posted February 28, 2010 05:11 PM
I am finally undertaking the painful, scary task of working through my paralyzing fears. It is based in my 3rd chakra - how I relate to myself, my sense of self. My birth chart has showed me this along, there is a Yod screaming at me "here, this is what you NEED to overcome". My north node resides where Saturn does in. The Yod pointing right at Saturn. I have had enough of the gnawing undertones of ego saying that I am not capable of managing myself in this life on my own.For G-d sakes, I have 2 kids. I know I have and will continue to make some mistakes with them. It is of the great import that I can guide them to trust in themselves. That relying on themselves is a HUGE source to have and with me not having had it, I am not being the example I want to be.
More though than it is for them, I NEED this for ME. It scares me to take the plunge and finish off my degree. I ahd only 15 credit hours left and I left school. The belief was I can't take care of myself.
I never went back to school, I stayed in an unhealthy relationship all due to fear. What bulls--t. There is a part of me that is such a coward. It is not a bad thing. I am learning to embrace that part of myself so that I can heal and work throught this fear. Again, I am scared but I am ready. I do not want to live with like this anymore. this is not living to me.
It is like a am trying to rebirth myself. There is pushing, yelling and breathing as I am trying to reenter. There is a period of rest and back to the grindstone of the work.
Effort, prayer and not giving up is what I remind myself of. I want that pit in my stomach to dissipate. I know as I continue it will get smaller and smaller. I am scared, though.
------------------
"Once in a while you can get shown the light in the strangest of places if you look at it right"
Robert Hunter