posted March 07, 2005 08:45 AM         

I didn't think of the gifts as such an issue cause I got them because of Christmas and my birthday. The watch, yes I wanted it because the ex broke my Tag during our marriage and never replaced it, so I felt entitled to it and it was Christmas... the ipod... well, he bought it and it was engraved and I can't really send it back, it would be small of me, he's at war and trying to be nice and I'm going to send things back to him that he can't return?

And G needs to talk to me about this stuff... you know I still don't know for a fact that the gifts were an issue. He still claims he was never mad at me or trying to blow me off, just busy. That's our only (rather large) problem. He doesn't like confrontation and won't express any grievances. I've been through a marriage and divorce, I know how that stuff builds up and destroys things if you don't express it. If he had asked me to send either item back, I would have, but because it was Christmas I didn't think it was a big deal. Outside the context of Christmas, of course the gifts would be kind of strange to recieve and accept.

I don't tell the ex that we can get back together, but I just don't want to have him involved in my life, which is why I don't tell him about G. After I left him, I went through a lot of crap, I basically had a breakdown and he was only person there for me... So I want to be there for him too while he needs me, but I'm afriad that if I tell him about G he will cause such a fuss that I will have to cut him off completely. And I know that will be devastating to him. The guys over there really rely on having a support system back home and having someone to email and call when they get a chance. He'll open his big fat mouth and start a massive fight with me and nitpicking and being annoying and then I'll have to cut him off. Which would upset me to have to do while he's at war. I would feel like a total piece of sh*t.

Soooo... that's why I do what I do. I'm afriad for some reason that if I cut him off, even if I'm justified by his rotten behaviour, that I'll be punished somehow. I just feel really guilty. It's not rational, I know that writing it out here... but that's how I feel.

He has this way of acting like a wounded puppy, and even though you feel like punching him in the face because he's so ridiculous and annoying and exasperating, you just can't and you end up feeling sorry for him. He is the consummate victim. Always. I hate that about him.

posted March 07, 2005 11:09 AM         

Okay taken like this, it seems that you need your ex, that's why you keep in contact, it's not really for him, it's for you. Once you see that I can see why G would be upset. Of course he's not going to say it's the gifts, but you know it is, why figure it out? Feelings can't be rationalized and if G got expensive gifts from an ex you would feel the same way. As for sending them back? Why does your ex feel the need to express his love with expensive things? Can't he send cards? and why do you feel entitled? Doesn't G give you things?

The truth is you can't have two men in your life, who are equally important, unless one is your father, and neither is. Your ex is trying to be like a Daddy, and you are letting him do this because, you needed him once? The past is the past and that is where most relationships break up, not because of the unexpressed feelings, but the unexpressed feelings about the partners past, especially if it's in the now, and sitting in the living room. Every gift you accept hangs around reminding G.

I see this so much with Aquas, emotional triangulation, and every single time, there is an ex involved in the day to day life, the current love interest gets distant, causing the Aqua to hang on to the ex even more. That's fear, and you have to lean on someone, and open up to really get support back. Why would G lean on you, if you do not lean on him? He needs to be needed too, anyway, relationships don't work when two people don't need to be open, and share their vulnerabilities.

it seems that you have no vulnerabilities, even though you know that's not true, it suddenly becomes true around G, you are afraid to let G into your life like your ex because you need your ex more, and the fact that he is at war, and saying so over and over again to G, isn't going to help G's self esteem anymore, after all he's not at war!

So people are basically selfish, and we are all people, I still think an object is not worth choosing over someone's feelings, when they could be hurt forever and never mend. it's easy to say forgive and forget but you know that doesn't really happen, the wounds stay underneath and never go away no matter what.

Your ex sounds like a class A manipulator war or no war, and he could consult with you first before deciding on a gift for you, if you stand up for yourself you can decide what he gets you, and it should have nothing to do with past actions in your relationship because then that dredges up the past, for all to see, including G. Why would G want to hear all about those petty problems?

I have a close Aqua/Pisces Venus male friend and he is soooo sweet to all his ex's, he can't understand why his Scorpio lady love, stays away, and won't see him anymore. he really doesn't know why?? He talks to two ex's every single day, and me! I asked him if he ever cheated on his ex and you know what he said? He said no but i did talk to another girl a lot at work..and my ex wanted relationships with others, obviously. I said why obviously, maybe she was sick of waiting for you to come home late?

he said, I never thought of it like that, it wasn't physical!
(it boggles the mind!)

posted March 07, 2005 11:28 AM         

I can't help feeling the way I do about being there for him. I was suicidal and I really feel that if not for my ex who called me daily to check on me and talked me through all my demons tirelessly, I might not be here. I don't feel like I have to justify that further. I'm not trying to have my cake and eat it too. I honestly feel indebted because of that.

G understands, I have explained WHY I feel I need to support the ex. He doesn't care that I'm in contact with the ex. If he really does care, he needs to tell me. He needs to tell me if something is bothering him, I'm not a mind reader. My contact with the ex isn't such a big deal in real life anyway, but somehow it's become the central issue in this thread. We live separately and see each other several times a week. I don't rub things in his face or bring up my ex or anything, unless he specifically asks something. Which is hardly ever.

posted March 07, 2005 01:09 PM         

The conversations I have with him are very superficial anyway. I just tell him what is going on with work and my friendsfamily and any gossip... and that everyone asks about him and is thinking of him. I don't delve too much deeper than that. He can't talk for more than about 20 minutes at a time usually cause other people want to use the phone.