posted January 29, 2005 01:12 PM         

Iīm really confused now... Iīm getting to a point where I donīt wanīt to believe what I somehow know...

Itīs all about this guy... He is important for my future... Maybe itīs just that I donīt want him to be... Maybe there is some karma involved...

I met him 17 years ago. I was 10 years old and when I first saw him in the class (he was a new pupil), I knew straight away... He was meant for me... I somehow recognised him from somewhere...

I was still a child, I didnīt know much of feelings... And I called that strong link love... I loved him for 9 years since then... My feelings evolved over the years through my teens... And I waited and waited while my heart was battered by his indiference... I waited for him to wake up... To see what I saw...

Those years were a painful trial... He became a very popular boy being around 14 and it was torture to see how the other girls got his favours while I was forgotten. All my friends turned women much earlier than me... Going back and remembering those days still brings tears to my eyes and clutches my heart.

He never paid much attention to me until we were 16... And even then everything turned to be a cruel game. At the end of the course I discovered he had had a girlfriend for 8 months, while pretending he was interested in me...

Things didnīt work out with that girl. She was unfaithful, the same as all the previous ones... He, as an Aries, was looking for the perfect princess, and kept finding wenches... very hot girlies, but still wenches... Then he turned his eyes to the old forgotten and patient maiden, me... He even asked me out half joking... But the whole thing had turned out to be too much for me... I didnīt believe in him anymore... I even thought that his proposition was another joke, just to make fun of my poor broken heart, so I rejected him... Thinking of it now, maybe he truly wanted me then... Maybe he had awaken after all at that point in time...

He suddenly started to change... To become a more human creature... Less of a cocky and self-confident guy... More compasionate and sensitive... He had always been noble, but the sefish and blind Arian attitude overshadowed that... I realise now he had been deeply hurt at some point, struck by some truth... And he started sinking...

First his grades starting going down dramatically and his flashy and fiery personality toned down... By then I had decided to get out of the hole... There had been years of praying to a silent God to set me free from him, trying to cope with that pain, with that indiference, years of sour tears, years of a pointless game to never be chosen... I decided to become a warrior, to let that angel within me die to survive from him...

Next year we started University... And the quiet and modest girl started to climb out of his reach... He continued spiraling down, very slowly still... We still knew about each other through my best friend, who was studying with him. They became good friends as he helped her a lot in there... I think he somehow took care of her as the only link with me... Sometimes, Iīd go and visit and he treated me like a princess, with a kind of respect and adoration I never understood... I tended to think that was the old cruel game that tried desperately to keep the maiden locked in the tower just in case...

But then, one night my group of friends and his met accidentally. We were 19 at that time. He was a bit tipsy... and ended up confessing his love. He said weīd have been together for years by now if it wasnīt because I was studying Physics... Because heīd never be able to offer me what I needed. That declaration stirred up the feelings I still had for him and the following weekend, I worked up the nerve to call him...

We met but he was a complete different man. I was going to declare but never did. He made very clear he didnīt want to do anything with me. He lied to drive me away. He said he was drunk and didnīt know what he was saying, that he was lying basically... But he did say I deserved better, that he would watch over me until I found someone worthy... That he made a terrible mistake a few years ago by choosing the wrong woman, that he lost his opportunity with the woman of his dreams.

I got so hurt after that that I stopped talking to him. I completely cut him off, ruled him out of my life. I even asked my best friend never to talk about him or talk about me with him. He was dead for me and I was dead for him. I was adamant to get rid of him forever, to get over it and survive.

I did pretty well. For the first time in many years I was free from that strangling cord, from that ungrateful and cruel man who made my life a misery for years. It was hard to recover... I kept crying for a while... But I took control. I stopped praying and turned my back to that silent God that never helped me and learnt to smile again looking for the light within.

He didnīt do that well. He fell into depression and stopped eating well. He lost lots of weight. He became a shadow of who he was.The popular high-school boy started avoiding everybody. The once sports-freak started to smoke heavily and drink with no restrain. He abandoned his studies after being kicked out once because he kept failing. And he never stopped asking about me.

After a year and a half I fell in love again with who I believe is my Twin Flame. That story was shorter but hurt me even deeper. After then, forgiveness towards this guy came naturally.

We saw each other after three years... By then he had recovered a little bit... Everything was so different... Our eyes locked in a way they never did... And I saw the depth of his wound... He was torn, bleeding, weak... On the contrary, I was strong and confident, I irradiated some kind of energy... That day I felt that he loved me, that he missed me so much... When it had been years since last time I had thought of him that way...

I havenīt seen him since then. That was more than 5 years ago... A year later I went abroad. I stayed there for 4 years. He never stopped asking about me, especially wanting to know if I was with someone... He even rang me while I was living abroad. It had been almost 3 years since we had seen each other, and he still gathered the strength to ring me there, to a complete stranger, with a complete new life, to tell me that he had been re-reading my letters (those I wrote to him in high-school) and wondering how I was.

He still asks about to me... I donīt know if he knows Iīm back... But if he doesnīt he will as soon as he meets one of my friends.

I wasnīt going to come back. I had gone abroad forever, partly to escape from that sordid and painful past. But circumstances pushed me back. I believe the Universe bounced me back... I always felt I had something pending here... And Iīm back for that debt to be fulfilled.

I always knew this moment would come... I have been dreaming with him for a year or so... What itīs weird because I believe itīs the second one who is my Twin Soul... Maybe not... I canīt believe this guy is the one... But why do I keep dreaming of him? These dreams are more frequent every time... Now it happens every 10 days, maybe every week... We will be reunited soon... I can feel that cord now and I donīt know if I like it... Is he calling me in dreams? Is he coming to visit me when Iīm asleep? Did he drag me back from abroad, is Karma pushing us together?

posted January 30, 2005 08:18 AM         

Navia, I read your story in another thread... Thatīs what encouraged me to tell mine... I have been meaning to for a while, as I said these dreams have been happening for about a year now... And when I read about you I thought maybe my case was similar... I do believe he is calling me... He must be visiting me in my dreams...

Our desires can alter things... I believe it was my strong desire what tied him... I spent 8 or 9 years praying... Maybe his desire is also altering things... Thatīs what worries me... If it was karma, if it was a superior force, if it was because we are Twins and are meant to reunite, thatīs fine... I wouldnīt want to resist to that...

But maybe, I just provoked all this by desiring him too much for too long... Maybe I created that magnetic field and now we are trapped in it... But maybe I was too ignorant and chose the wrong man...

Because Iīm so confused now... He never behaved as my Twin... My second love did... Maybe this one was just a teenagerīs obsession... But if it wasnīt true, why is it so powerful? I do believe he loves me as he wonīt be able to love anyone else... But after so many years of torture, I wonder if he only adores and worships an ideal, the image of a princess that he never had and can dream of... He never took the trouble to know me, not in this life at least... He may know me from a past lifetime... Because, how can he love me if he doesnīt know me?

He hurt me too much and I donīt want to go through it again. I donīt think I can just give it a go to find out if he truly loves me, if things change when he gets to know the real me... I need to be sure itīs real before hand... Otherwise, I prefer not to have him. I wonīt risk my heart again with him, Iīd do it with any other, but never again with him.

posted January 30, 2005 12:47 PM         

I too dream of my true love and he dreams of me. I miss him even when I sleep...

May I ask-when are both of your birthdates?

My gut feeling with this situation is that you are strong enough to handle anything and strong enough to seek the truth once and for all...so go there...seek the truth-and know that you have the strength to handle all that comes your way from this journey...gotta seek the true love baby!

It would be nice to put it to rest one way or another wouldn't it? Find out...and be open to his soul. These ties are rare and I feel they should always be explored...even if it means your heart may hurt...it is usually worth your time! (And will often surprise you!

posted January 30, 2005 02:54 PM         

I agree with everyone else and feel you should try and contact him. The reason you give him for contacting him doesn't have to be " I feel we are twin souls", but could instead be "I'm back, how are you? I appreciated you calling while I was gone. Just wanted to say hi, maybe we can meet up for coffee, etc."

Don't be scared. I think you have much to gain by meeting up with him and talking. You may one day get the chance to explain your feelings from youth onward...how liberating would that be?

Take care, and good luck.

posted January 31, 2005 08:20 AM         

But then, this is starting to go out of hand... Iīm starting to feel chased, I even go to bed feeling a bit anxious, fearing to meet him again... Because Iīm not sure of what I want or feel... Because I donīt want to be hurt again... And because something tells me that this is a sign, that we are inevitably getting closer to that date that is set for us in the physical plane... And Iīm so scared...

Iīm scared of not being the kind of woman he has dreamed of over the years. Iīm scared of disappointing him... I never was good enough for him, not on his eyes, and now that Iīm, I donīt want to spoil it... That rejection is too painful, that is my wound from the past... I think I prefer to renounce to him and have that artificial adoration forever... I donīt know... Other men have chased me, adored me as a godess, and then reject me when they got me... I donīt think I canīt cope with that again, especially coming from him. Not from him.

Sassy, I like that idea of asking him during the dream... If I can take control and remember, I will ask him next time...

Silvana, I thought of calling him and go for a coffee millions of times... But something tells me to wait... Itīll come to me... This time has to be natural... Iīve done it before, with him and other men, but this time is different... If he wants something, heīll have to come for it... I wonīt force it... If it happens, if he contacts me or we meet accidentally, Iīll try my best to not run away, to hold on and open my heart... That is all I can offer right now...

GemStar, thanks for the compliment I do think Iīm strong, Iīve done quite well considering how much pain I had to deal with... Now Iīm going through a very rough patch, existencially and emotionally (Sassy knows... What Pluto has been doing to us...), and I think things are slowly going back to track... I know it will get better, something tells me... And Iīm sure he is part of my rebirth somehow...

Our birthdates:

Me => 19 September 1977, Madrid (Spain), around 3pm
Him => 10 April 1977, Madrid (Spain), no idea about his birth time

posted January 31, 2005 08:58 AM         

There are a few bumps here and there...seems primarily around the sexual issues...definitely has the 'flucuating relationship' markers...ie-'on again-off again' type of connection...which tells me that timing has been an issue.

Personally, I wouldn't worry about YOU disappointing him...it sounds like it is more the opposite...he may be worried that you will be disappointed in HIM! (Probably true-BTW)...

So....why not be the 'worldly' person and ask to meet him for coffee...just a 'Hey, I'm back in town etc...' Therefore, YOU are in control and prepared...and you are just meeting as 'friends'....old buddies getting together as you settle down back home...I bet you will feel good for reaching out to his soul...and who knows...his lonely soul may want/need your warm, friendly contact.

Why waste your energy waiting to cross paths...you seem to want to make that connection again...then, after coffee, leave it up to him to choose to re-discover more about you! He'll come around...

Just re-connect the friendship part again and let time take care of the rest...and trust that you have grown into an interesting and wonderful young woman of the world...he WILL notice!!!

GemStar

posted January 31, 2005 09:24 AM         

Really?! Iīm very excited!!! How did you do that? The Magi thing, I mean... Cinderella aspects!!! That sounds really good!!! What are they exactly?

Well... I do think he may be scared of disappointing me... That was the reason of not trying 8 years ago... But I donīt think Iīm as wonderful as he thinks I am... And yes, we do have a problem with timing... I has been really akward, when I wanted him he didnīt see me, when then he asked me out I didnīt believe him, then I wanted to confess my feelings after he declared and he didnīt want anything to do with me... Really hard on each other hearts...

posted January 31, 2005 12:51 PM         

I realize the sexual part of your relationship has not come about...just listed it as an area that had a few clashes (ie-too much emphasis on sex too soon kind of thing...when you do finally get on the same page)...and then fading out possibly...

So that being said...get the other factors up and running before the sex enters...(LOL)...oops! Get it???? Ha,ha....I crack myself up sometimes!! Ha,ha...)

Not everyone follows Magi and I know just a bit...I have found it to be very accurate in general with relationships(direction, etc...marriage, endings...).

My friend has the software and she is kindly letting me use her laptop these days...I just wanted to let you know the relationship had good potential and to move forward towards this Fella of yours.

Traditional astrology will show more and there are a lot of people here who are EXCELLENT sources for aspect information. (I am sure you knew that though.... ).

Have some fun and just be Yourself!! Just be cool and relaxed...Life is fun when you live it! (As opposed to waiting for it!)

When are you making the coffee call darling?

posted January 31, 2005 02:37 PM         

I see what you mean about sex I think I have done pretty well holding him there without even a kiss for so many years But it does worries me...

Can I ask you a favour? Feel free to say no... I wouldnīt ask you if it was really important... Can you check my compatibility with this other guy (my second one) => 1 November 1977 (Madrid) and tell what you think? Which one has a stronger chance? My heart is actually debating between the two of them...

A gut feeling tells me that this second one was the one. Am I more compatible with him than with the 1st guy? Thatīs why I donīt understand why I keep dreaming with the 1st one...

I always knew that I will reunite with one of the two... The second one “feels” mor right, more compatible, but at the same time more impossible... The 1st one feels less compatible, but somehow I have the feeling of having something pending with him...

I donīt want to feed empty hopes, start dreaming with the wrong man... Maybe a new insight would help me to set aside the second one... Itīs hard to give the 1st one a chance when Iīm unconsciously comparing him with the 2nd one... The 2nd one felt like my Twin Flame but maybe Iīm wrong...

posted January 31, 2005 03:06 PM         

I have to return a few calls first.
My man is calling me a serious amount lately...what is with that? (These Gem Sun-Pisces ASC/moon men are something else!)

posted January 31, 2005 03:13 PM         

Second guy:
No Cinderella (Super-Romantic linkages) marriage links and too many Saturn clashes...no marriage there whatsoever...he was meant to be in your life for that time but not as your husband...(so it appears).

Whew...that was an easy one to see...I will look closer at the First one later...the second just didn't seem to have enough 'juice' to sustain much excitement.

Catch up with you later!

GemStar

posted January 31, 2005 04:46 PM         

Sorry for the choppiness....my man was in a talking mood!!! NEarly two hours just now in-between his rounds....good grief! (In a good way though!! Nothing like two Air signs-Gem Suns with water ASC to keep things flowing...in ALL directions!)

OK-Back to my point...I think I saw the Magi aspect that gives the feeling of having met before/strong ties destined etc...but once again...only for that period I imagine...no long term links with this 2nd one. I could see why you felt compelled and getting along was easier...but somehow was missing some of the dynamics of a more exciting partnership!

Wheeee.....I am always in a energetic mood after conversing with my love....

posted January 31, 2005 06:20 PM         

Iīm so grateful, GemStar, so grateful... Because Iīve been confused for months now... I know the 1st one (the Aries) is important, I recognised him when I was just 10 years old... But then, after feeling that psichic connection with the 2nd one (the Scorp) I thought I had been only obsessed with the 1st one, but nothing else...

The Aries never gave me anything... He never loved me... I felt used and played with... Maybe he woke up too late...

Then the Scorp waited for me for 6 years... And everything was so magical, we could communicate without words. For the first time I felt loved... But then he spoilt it all and never wanted to have anything to do with me... The story is somewhere else in this web site... Maybe it was all those Saturn clashes... I think I still love him deeply...

posted January 31, 2005 08:46 PM         

It appears that the relationship has never really had an opportunity as of yet...

posted February 01, 2005 07:59 AM         

Last night I dreamt with him again... It was back at high school. I was 15 again... I didnt have the opportunity to talk to him; I remember being scared of rejection, I felt so small and stupid... He kept looking at me, with that clean stare, intense, as if he was trying to tell me something... Then the class started. He was still loking at me, with that sad and deep gaze. I was so lost in my thoughts that when the teacher asked me a question a couldnīt find an answer. Everybody looked at me. But I couldnīt find the answer, I didnīt know the answer... And I woke up...

Neptune Lady, Iīm so sad about you. I know what it feels being ready and then pushed away. Thatīs why Iīm so confused now... So, you communicate with his higher self, donīt you? How do you know he is aware? I think that thatīs is exactly what he is doing with me... Sometimes I donīt want to believe, it must be that adolescent unresolved obsession... But somehow I know itīs not... You started loving him when you where 6, so it must be possible... Some people think 10 is too young to consider that as romantic love... Thanks so much for your story... I hope everything goes well between you two, I hope he gets ready for you soon...

posted February 01, 2005 08:48 AM         

In the meantime, study your synastry charts astrologically. AND, maybe spend some personal time building up your own self-esteem. It sounds like you are having a rough time in life these days...I am sorry. I know things will improve-just hang in there!!

As far as the Aries guy...I am sure nothing hurtful was intentional so try and release the pain that you have held onto for so long...it is not serving you to carry this weight from the past. Let it go.

Find your strength inside of yourself and feel confident that life leads us and our thoughts where we need to walk. (Even if it is difficult). Be more gentle with yourself as well and remember you are worth any man you desire...(even the Aries guy-whose immaturity of younger days should be forgiven).

So-go digging on www.astro.com and find some strong aspects that you want to explore and ask the board their thoughts. In the meantime, I will get you more info when my friend returns...take good care!

GemStar

posted February 01, 2005 01:07 PM         

Thanks for your encouragement... This building- self-steem process is slow... Iīve doing that since the definite goodbye 8 years ago... The other guys didnīt help either, but they did make me understand this guy wasnīt that cruel after all, at least not intentionally. I believe more than ever that he is a noble soul. Going abroad was a tough test and was geared to build up my confidence. It made even stronger than I thought... Now I just need to put myself together and face my new life, stand up with pride, because somehow I found the woman I am in the process.

Itīs not easy to let that pain go... Itīs what keeps me safe from him. It has been clearing up slowly along the years, but I still hold on to some... Torture is not so easy to forget...Maybe I just need a last push to trust him again. Little by little...

Thanks Neptune Lady!
Do I have to repeat this to myself mentally or do I have to pronounce the words aloud?
How does it manifest? I s all this to get barriers down? Because I may be the barrier here, I donīt really know... Iīm not sure if this guy Iīm talking about is my Twin...

posted February 01, 2005 01:43 PM         

NeptuneLady has a great idea!! Personally, I take the Twin flame to mean 'whoever it is that I am destined to be with'. (Not meaning your 2nd guy who is no longer). BTW-there may be more than one twin flame on this earth during our lifetime!

I guess it is just a way of reminding yourself that destiny is doing it's part and that you are supposed to be open and unafraid...and believe that you are being prepared for him just as he is being prepared for you (ie-Life's experiences shaping and molding us).

Moving internationally takes a lot of strength-I hope you give yourself immense credit for such an undertaking...there is something about the experience of seeing the world from different countries that opens us wide to life's mysteries...very cool!

I went to Spain by myself after my divorce for three weeks and really loved the experience...it forced me to speak a different language (one that I had not studied in school-I knew French, not Castillian Spanish!:laughing and push through my fears and inadequacies of the moment.

Being afraid is understandable....however, when you get to the place of understanding who you are and having found your peace, reaching out to someone you once feared becomes easier. It has been said that Fear is one of Life's challenges that we are here to master...it certainly is an ongoing process for us all in many different ways....

Yes-ask questions in the Forum...about your own chart aspects as well as synastry or his chart aspects. It is a great way to learn and maybe you will find out where you may be limiting you own thoughts!!

It is always interesting to hear different takes and ideas on aspects...I have learned so much by just reading the comments each knowflake writes...

Hang in there and take your time...GemStar

posted February 01, 2005 07:03 PM         

Someone in the Astrology forum directed me to an article... And see what I found about Venus retograde... Scary or what?

quote:

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He can be deeply in love and not know it until years after ending the relationship(by Bil Terney)

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quote:

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...he has difficulties expressing his true emotions consistently. Thus, he would show happiness much before or later than the actualization of the situation. This delayed response or inappropriate expression appears quite different to others. As a result, their opinions about this individual will vary substantially. To some, he would be appearing insensitive, stuffed, egocentric, self-passioned or snobbish. The unusual mannerism or treating surrounding people the way he does may not be done intentionally (by Mohan Koparkar)

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quote:

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When wounded, defeated or profoundly rejected in love, Venus retrograde people often seek the solace of Aphrodite Urania, the purifying goddess of ideal love (by Erin Sullivan)

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I bet Iīm his Aphrodite... But Iīm a real woman! Iīm bound to have imperfections and flaws... My God, I knew this... Any clue of how to deal with a Venus retrograde...