posted October 03, 2005 05:14 PM            

I suppose work does me good. It’s the only thing that keep me busy and proud of myself. It let me forgot for a while… That’s why I fear so much to become a workaholic… Because it seems to be the only thing to satisfy me… I suppose that’s why Sundays are hard on me. Because I have time to think.

Thank you. I feel better now that I know that you understand my need of being conquered. Modern society seems to condemn it and us, modern women, are expected to chase men to be acceptable and successful. I suppose that is fine for a Leo or an Aries woman… I’m just a Virgo Maiden…

Yes, I know what you mean about life changing our ideas of what we want. But this is not the case… At least not at the moment.

I suppose I’m still open to him… I’m desperate to get a response to my interest. But sometimes I wish I could shut the door for good. Because this is torture. I wonder why he can come when he pleases and I cannot. I don’t understand… I know he is touching base, it’s all he can give me right now… but I struggle to understand why. I just wish he’d set me free if this is all he’ll ever offer. I have no control over anything…

I actually don’t feel blessed at all. This seems to be a purposeless torture, a sadistic way of bending a soul until it’s completely deformed and useless. I’ve been trying to let go for as far as I remember. Three men, all the same story. I’ve had the same lesson many times. I don’t understand the point of it. I released the tension caused by my second man and I let him go. Now I’m in the process of releasing the third man… So this appears to be somewhat excesive, to be forced into such painful trial with the first of them too. I can’t cope.

posted October 03, 2005 05:39 PM            

I can relate to your experience, sweetie… The man I’m talking about is an Arian… But the other two (the second and third) are Scorps. I know what you mean. I have endured that twice.

This Arian has 5 retrogrades, which I think is what makes him behave the way he does. Even being dishearteningly silent and apparently uninterested he’s not even close to the cruelty of a Scorpio oblivion. This pain is not comparable to a Scorpio venom and cruelty, to the abstinence syndrome they cause.

I know the Arian does not want to hurt me. He does not wish my suffering. He is not torturing me deliberately. He loves me. Scorpio love is of a different nature. It’s born from obssesion and pasion, instead of romanticism and warmth. The Arian silence is so painful because of that silver cord, because I feel he is my other half… because I can’t do anything… It’s so sweet… I’ve never had anything so sweet in my life. I’ve had it more exciting and intense, but not so fairytale-like, if you know what I mean…

I feel like Juliet, condemned to lose before having a chance… Seeing every second of my life drop without him. And I only want to die… Because I’m being forced to live his loss day after day while the final day comes closer.

I yearned for years for my first Scorpio and then for my second Scorpio. Only pain remained at the end. Wasted time. Every day I’m more convinced that Scorpio men can’t love, they don’t know how to do it, they are made for passion not for love. They only destroy what they touch. It’s like a curse.

“…dumping me like a hot brick and not giving me any explanation whatsoever” Yeah, girl, spot on, that’s what they do. That’s what my ex has just done and had been doing time after time for months. Now it’s definitive. This time he has gone too far. There’s no going back. That’s worsening my situation these days. Because I also have to cope with his rejection and disdain, to his disrespect after how much and hard I worked for him.

If you ask me, I wouldn’t even consider the Scorp. Stick to your boyfriend. I know it’s easy to say but hard to do… But you know deep down that I’m right, don’t you?

Hugs,

posted October 04, 2005 08:09 AM            

hey steelrose
im desperate to write top u n this is the 4th time.........i hope this reaches.............
everytime i read ur posts i am moved to tears..........i really wish i cud do somethin fr u...........but the only thing i can do now is pray that ur aries man comes back to u.......fr good......n not jus another short trip.........

"I feel like Juliet, condemned to lose before having a chance… Seeing every second of my life drop without him. And I only want to die… Because I’m being forced to live his loss day after day while the final day comes closer."

please don say things like that.........i know u have really suffered......but ther has to be an end.........and the darkest hour of the day is just before DAWN.....and i really hope that daybreak fr u comes SOON.
please dont give up.

"It’s so sweet… I’ve never had anything so sweet in my life. I’ve had it more exciting and intense, but not so fairytale-like, if you know what I mean…"
my sis is seein an aries guy and it is lik that(fairytale-like) fr her ...........atleast fr most of the time.

love and hugs

diya

posted October 04, 2005 02:51 PM            

Thanks God you reached!!! I’m sorry to make you sad with my words but I actually feel that way… Wasting my time, second after second… And that gets me so frustrated… I’m going back and forward, never getting anything definitive or progressing in my life path. I can’t understand the purpose of all this pain. What it once made me grow (I admit you need a small dose of pain now and again to grow, learn and evolve…) now it’s destroying me. I can’t see the point of all this. I’ve been dying for many years but the process stopped almost a year ago when I lost purpose. Since then, I’m living a life that I don’t own… and everyday that goes by I’m more lost.

I’ve been waiting for dawn for years. But it appears that, when it seems that it can’t go darker, it does… I just get up to breathe through the day, and wish for the next night to go and sleep. It’s actually not that bad when I don’t think about it.

If that Scorp has mistreated you in the past, he’ll do it again. It’s not about being sensible, it’s about loving yourself and recognising love. They trap you when you believe they love you because then you melt… It’s not until you realise they don’t, you stop falling down the dangerous spiral of destruction. They don’t love you, they desire you, they want you… It’s not the same thing…

Try to see him as a spoilt child who fancies that toy behind the shop window. You are that toy. As soon as he gets it, he’ll get fascinated with something else and you will be discarded or even worse, savaged. That’s not love.

posted October 06, 2005 05:36 PM            

Sorry to take so long… I’m usually quite busy during the week… From Wednesdays until the weekend is virtually impossible for me to reply (I should be in bed by now…). But I couldn’t wait…

You are a sweet girl, I tend to see myself in you a few years ago when you talk about that Scorpio who is engulfing you… I wish I could make you feel what I feel know, to see what I saw, before it’s so late and you get slaughtered… But I also know it’s a vain attempt. Because you need to feel it and see it yourself. You just can’t help it, no matter what I say… Just be careful, right? Keep in mind what I say even if you surrender… Don’t forget that little voice in the back of your head… It’ll help you to stay on your feet, to not sink…

There must be some worthy men. Men who deserve a woman’s love. Sometimes I think I only live for that reason… So there must be…

That story of yours stinks… He is most likely using you, maybe to get back that girl… Because he was rejected so he’s gonna teach her a lesson. You are being his tool. He is having fun, because I’m sure he senses that you melt.

These two last days have been better. I’m sure it’s this frentic activity. I need to burn my energy in something constructive… That’s why his inmobility, that utter waste of time and illusions, make me so ill… Work is healing. I feel useful, I feel powerful and purposeful. I’m really busy so I can’t think much of my true situation and loneliness, I have no time to think of him and miss him. That’s why Sundays are so hard on me.

Yes, we live in the same area… We are going to live even closer when I move to my new place… But it’s virtually impossible that we bump into each other… He works in the neighbourhood from 8 to 8 and I work in the outskirts on the other side of the city. Even when we go out in the same areas, Madrid is so big that is highly unlikely. It has never happened before. I don’t want to bump into him… I want him to call me. I need a positive effort, not coincidences or compromises out of pity or good manners. But something tells me that he may not have the courage or the energy to do it… I’m the enthusiastic-powerful-brave-driving force in the tandem… He is just slower, unconfident, static…

I think the eclipse has done me good… It was full here in Madrid, a perfect ring of fire around the Moon… Changes, beginnings, dreams in your doorstep… We’ll see…

posted October 07, 2005 06:31 AM            

its perfectly alright fr u to take ur time....and im really sorry u had to stay up to reply....please don spoil ur schedule fr me......its good that u r busy....

*edited*

'That story of yours stinks… He is most likely using you, maybe to get back that girl… Because he was rejected so he’s gonna teach her a lesson. You are being his tool. He is having fun, because I’m sure he senses that you melt.'

posted October 07, 2005 06:33 AM            

its not that i thnk he really loves me, b'coz frankly i dont u/s how sumone cud suddenly start likin an old flame after 8 yrs. im really curious as to wat made him think that................i dunno, im confused.............sorry fr rantin.........u have enuff to thnk abt widout me dumpin my probs on u.........ju that i dunno........i can some how identify wid u

"I want him to call me. I need a positive effort, not coincidences or compromises out of pity or good manners"

i totally agree.........that one reason why i doubt all this........i mean if it really was that u cant stay widout me why not call me/ talk to me....

enuff ranting!!!!!!!!

sorry
n u don have to answer immediately or at all

n thanks fr listenin

love
diya

posted October 07, 2005 04:12 PM            

It’s all right, don’t worry I stayed late because I fancied writing to you…

After reading your story (the new info you gave me), I don’t know what to say… I still think he is playing with you.

quote:

---

when scorps around i dunno wat happens to me........my heart thuds lik its never even thuded fr my own guy!!!!!!!!!!!!the attraction is lik omg!!!!!!!!

---

I know what you mean… You can’t fight it… But at least it’s good to know that and understand the power that they exert on you.

And yes, what you say about him feeling the same unconfortable, I believe it too… It’s not your imagination. It’s not him interpreting… He is very likely being dragged by his own tricks, dominated by his irrational self… But he won’t back his initial burning desires with endurance.

I believe that Scorpio love is powerful and true but extremely rare. When it’s true love it borders obsession, he’d have sticked to you like glue forever… But he is behaving as the vast majority of Scorps… he is not sure so he abandons you.

It doesn’t matter that his ex left him 3 years ago. He still remembers. He won’t forget in a million years. Even less if he liked her, even less if she dared to leave him. He won’t rest until he can rub in her face that she meant nothing for him… And what a better way than marrying the girl he dated before her? That shows that she meant nothing because he came back to you…

He has probably even get spiritually drunk with the idea of you being the only woman who loved him… Scorps usually feel forsaken, misunderstood, like traumatised small children with unloving parents… He left you, not the other way round… So you may still love him and take him back…

But if you respond… He’ll get scared. As a wild beast, he will attack you if you get too close because he’ll feel exposed and vulnerable… He probably feels safer because he doesn’t love you and he feels in control because he thinks you do love him. And the closer you get to his heart, the more cruel he will be.

So run, girl. Run if you can… If you don’t, grit your teeth and face it. You’ll learn a huge lesson…

posted December 23, 2005 09:02 PM              

I don't know what the situation is like now, cause it's been a couple of monthes. But I read your posts and felt really connected to the situation. I understand the pain and seemingly endless suffering, as I feel I have gone through something similiar. It takes a lot of guts to write your feelings in public, and not many people can do that.
As I have said, I also have gone through an extremely hard karmic relationship. It was with this man who was my first real love. We were really in love at first, but we fought so much. IT was really hard for us to break karmic ties, but finally he did. That broke my heart. He was living in another country, and I had gotten an opportunity to go there, since I had applied for a job there when we were still together. When I got there, we got together again, but he broke up with me again after a couple of months. He broke my heart again, and it was very hard for me. I was in a foreign country, with no family or old friends. We ended up still seeing each other, but there was no commitment. It was very hard for me, because he made it very clear that he didn't see me in his future at times. Then at times, he was confused as to whether I might be the one for him.

I was in such turmoil and pain, that I finally, concluded on my own, that I didn't deserve this. I was sick of this yo-yo relationship. I deserved better, I deserved a guy that actually wants to be with me. I realized that you can never force anyone to love you, no matter how much you want them to, or how much you love them. If a guy doesn't want to be with me, then I don't want to force it, cause it's a waste of my time. It's too hard, prodding someone to continually love me. So I let go, and we just saw each other casually. I made up my mind, that at the end of the contract job, we will go our seperate ways.

We had gone our seperate ways, and a couple of monthes afterwards, he started wanting to get back together. He realized that he was wrong. But I am very reluctant to do so. I have had my heart broken twice by the same man. I don't think I can take anymore.

I bring up this story, to tell you how, in the time when we were in the yo-yo period, I was able to become stronger and get over him. I started reading this book called "Power of the Subconscious Mind". They had affirmations, visualization techniques. The basis of the theory, is that we create our own reality by our thoughts. If we are able to consciously program our thoughts to bring in more things we want, then we are able to manifest our dream world. I started doing the techniques and using affirmations such as : I am letting XXX go. My heart is healing.My inner strength is growing. I embraces changes that are happening in my life. I have a lot of self confidence. I invite supportive people into my life.. etc..

I did these affirmations for awhile, but I felt the changes almost immediately. I felt stronger and my heart healed a lot faster. I was more centered, and not so bothered by him anymore. I think without those affirmations and self-help, I would have gone bonkers. Basically, I just got over him.

I suggest, if you are still not over him, to try these techniques. It will help build your self-esteem, cause these situations really do damage to our self-esteem and our emotions. They are not good situations to keep in our lives, because it's just too much heartache. Ask yourself if you want to have so much heartache. If you don't, then ask God to help you let go of the past. Let go of the hurt. re-program your being into one that wants happiness and a man who loves you truly. I know it's all easier said than done. But it all starts with intention. with that, the rest will follow.

best of luck
spicyleo

posted December 24, 2005 11:12 AM            

Well, the situation now is still the same. I still don’t know anything from the first man, no contact or whatsoever. And I won’t make a move. He may not be for me after all. Something as strong as twin-self love cannot be avoided that way, no matter how hard you try or how scared you are… Life keeps facing you with it, there’s no point in running… And he’s managing quite well to keep away from me, so…

I’m still trying to come to terms with what happened with my third man. It’s painfully slow but I think I’ll get there one day. I’ll heal. Last couple of months have been a tough trial regarding him. I was adamant to cut him off completely. To abandon him once and for all. But I have reconsidered. It’d be easier but not better. I need to be fair. I need to detatch without hating him or demonising him. And I’m trying again. I don’t know if I will be able to…

I’m starting to believe that I’m here to reunite with two souls, my twin and a brother soul. My cousin pointed it out to me the other day when I was telling her those strange dreams I have that appear to be past life recalls… “Have you noticed that there are always three of you?”. Two men and myself. One of them is my twin, my lover from lifetime to lifetime… A wild idea crossed my mind… My first and second men could be them… They were enemies competing for me once but now they are friends… And I’m their connection… What if the three of us need to be reunited?

There was a time when I thought of choosing between them two… I wanted them both but as a lover, I’d choose the second one first. My connection with him was even more spooky… I don’t know, I’m really confused… I also know my time is coming; he, however he is, will be with me in the physical plane.

posted December 26, 2005 10:44 PM              

Yes, it was very hard to let go. But with positive affirmations, it really worked well. But right now, it's still hard to let him go completely. I just don't necessarily want to be with him at the moment. Even though he has made a full circle, by saying that he wants to be with me forever and all that. I don't know what to do with this situation, except to pray to God to give me the right answer. It was a powerful karmic tie and relationship. I just hope that we have finished our chapter of learning from each other.

The right one will come to you eventually. If he is having an easy time of staying away from you, then maybe it's just not the right time, or he is not the right man. It's hard to accept, but the world works in mysterious ways.. Or we don't know, maybe will be the one ,, but it just takes time.. It's hard to predict our lives.

I have dreams of that guy sometimes, and it makes me wonder if he is the one for me. It's really powerful that it makes you think that the dream is literally about that person. But I have been doing some dream interpretation, and usually when a lover appears in your dreams, it reflects your relationship with the person. So if you are angry in the dream, then maybe you are really angry with them in reality. It can also reflect a part of yourself that you need to integrate into your being.
I don't know if dreams are literal. Sometimes they are, but sometimes it takes a little interpretation. I personally like doing it. It's like a puzzle that you solve to learn more about yourself. You can google dream dictionaries. The one I used is called Dream Moods dictionary for dream interpretation. It's a pretty good one, and has given me much insight.

posted December 29, 2005 05:39 PM            

Yes, it must be even harder if they beg you to stay... That hasn’t happened to me yey and I don’t think it will. This one only begged for my friendship but was very sure that I had to go and start a new life without him. He didn’t want to share his future ,relationship-wise, with me.

He is not the right man, I can tell you that already. I knew before starting the relationship. But I wanted to believe that my intuition was wrong. I wanted to believe that the Universe would give me a chance at last.

These dreams I talk about are not common dreams. They don’t feel the same. Its more like memories. In some cases they are astral travels. Some others feel like past life recalls. I call them “dreams” because they happen while my concious mind is at rest, because they happen at night. But they are not the same thing.

posted January 21, 2006 12:13 PM            

I instintively know
our paths have crossed
though tension and hurt
may be the sole base

Sensing this time
we must make it known
and never pass by
a chance to reconsile

This lifetime's for healing
though now's not quite right
we'll meet again when we're ready
to change and forgive

***************
Maybe I do,
And maybe I don’t
I hope you are not just an illusion...

I think I love you,
But I don’t know what that is
In it’s utter and full completeness

Why does this hurt,
Why must I ‘white lie’,
As I cry here in the dark…

Have you forgotten me,
Many miles away,
Can you still remember my face?

I see yours in every window,
All around my room,
Every fated step I take.

Do I love a dream,
Did that dream hug me firmly,
To soothe me when I felt alone…?

With whom did I share my sweetest lyrics,
Fight hardest,
And quickly forgive…

I don’t even know what,
I dream of nightly,
Do you want me to seek you out?

I thought we had,
This karmic-strung bond,
So why do you stretch it so thin

I dearly need to know,
How much I mean to you,
Before I sob myself into the floor…

posted January 23, 2006 04:32 PM            

I should be fumant after what happened in New Year. I actually felt very hurt and insulted… but now it’s like I know he didn’t mean to come across that way, he didn’t mean to say what I understood… So I’m patiently (or impatiently) waiting for him to come back to me… He will.

He texted me! Out of the blue after 6 months of silence… It’s not so simple to sever the cord. I can’t do it… but he can’t either. It’s not as easy as hiding…He is tied to me… Somehow…
http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum10/HTML/001941.html

Virgo-Aries… That’s a lovely poem… I also used to write poems… They were so powerful… Written in Spanish, of course… I only can do it when I am in love. And I have been out of love for too long… The last poem I wrote is now 6 years old… I’m too tired and hurt now to even try…

posted January 24, 2006 04:48 PM            

I'm glad you liked my words... Yes, I suppose, like him, I'm a born romantic too. If I completely lose my faith in love, that day I'll be dead within. I'm working hard to keep breathing, struggling to survive...