posted August 07, 2005 09:20 AM            

I met him almost 18 years ago. I was just 10 and I felt an instanct connection. I knew he was for me, my mate for this lifetime. Don’t ask me why, I was such a young kid that I hardly understood that revelation, I didn’t know anything about romantic love yet… He appeared not to notice me for years while I waited… Something told me that it was written… even when I progresively started to lose my faith. I tried to get rid of him many times… But I couldn’t… I’ve never been obsessive but that tie seemed to be strangling me… When he decided to step forward it was too late for my wounded heart… For a couple of years we were on and off around each other but never getting to be together. I spent many years praying to sever the cord. I just wanted to stop longing for him. When I was 19 I decided to do it myself after another blow to my bashed heart.

And I completely cut him off. I stopped talking about him and I forbid my friends doing it in my presence. I vanished from his life. Living in the same city we never saw each other in 3 years. I buried him alive. He died within me, it felt like a real death. I mourned him for another yearbut then I came back from hell… From that hell that had lasted 10 years. Even when he kept asking about me all these years…

And suddenly I saw this other man, someone very special that had been waiting for me for almost 6 years. And it stroke me so hard that left me breathless. A amazingly powerful third eye connection. He was a soulmate. That beautiful awakening ended up as the worst nightmare. Another trial. After that I though I’d never love again. He, the one I though was my Twin, kicked me out of his life, humiliated me and never wanted to know anymore about me. It took me 6 years to overcome that story. I felt dead. Cursed. I had lost my Twin without doing anything wrong. I only loved him. The connection was as intense as anything I ever felt. But ended… I only understood he wasn’t my Twin 6 months ago. Now I have forgiven him. He was here to teach me something. And he did. Now he is gone and I am OK. He was a soulmate, probably a brother. We have loved each other from lifetime to lifetime. Somehow I still care for him, but I only want him to stay away. We have a karmic debt, I used to feel its weight… Now I only hope my forgiveness has compensated it and next lifetime I won’t hurt him again in revenge for the pain in this one. I don’t want to hate him.

And then my third man. He was so dragged to me that it was unbelievable. I kept running away from him as if I had a bad memory of him. A memory of pain from another lifetime. But he was so desperate to reach me that at the end I couldn’t go on hiding. Even when I secretly I still longed for my second man. I reluctantly went into a relationship with him, almost engulfed by him… and I started to love him slowly, as if I was remembering… It lasted a year and a half. Things started to turn into a nightmare after 3 months but we somehow were powerfully tied. I prayed for months to scape from that trap. I was alone in a foreign country… I felt I had to teach him something, I couldn’t go… because even when he was pushing me away, hurting me every day, the lesson wasn’t over. We did deeply hurt each other… It’s the first time in my life that I hurt someone, almost furiously, irrationally, like a wild animal… Heavy karma I believe. But even so, he wants to keep me there as a friend. I know he can’t afford to lose me completely. He respects my rules, clutching at straws, as long as I don’t completley vanish… Even when I once and again bite… I struggle to understand why I can’t just abandon him, sometimes I have the heartbreaking feeling of him being my child… maybe in another lifetime… Our relationship was always unbalanced… I was the wise soul, the balanced and strong one even when he was 14 years older than me. I can’t abandon him even when the tie only hurts me, I know it’d be worse if I cut the tie. I may have abandoned him before… That may be the pending karma…

I came back Spain now. Dragged by my first man… When I was still mourning for the second one and wrestling with my sinking relationship with the third one, I started to dream with him… He has been calling me… It was funny at first but then… It started to happen more and more often…

I contacted him a few months ago… And for a while he was thrilled but then he slowed down and went back into silence… My best friend, who know him, says that he has been so hurt that he is not willing to risk an inch for anyone. He’d rather die alone with his dull existence than having the chance of getting heartbroken again. Especially by me, his fairytale princess.

It’s weird because somehow I know the nature of this cord is different. It’s not like with the other two. It’s not just about a debt, not just about knowing each other… It’s a weird sense of belonging. I think he is my Twin… Knowing other soulmates now, it appears clear… It’s awesome because we don’t know each other,but we do… We only flirted being kids, we cannot know each other, especially after having no contact for 8 years, but our souls are so similar, I’m scared to say equal…

I never severed the cord even when I thought I did... That cord cannot be severed and we keep being pushed back over the years...

posted August 07, 2005 12:18 PM              

I too am here if you need an ear.

I may be stating the obvious, but if it is meant to be it will all work out.

I wish you the best and deep peace.

posted August 08, 2005 04:13 PM            

I’m not doing great these days. I suppose that awful Saturn Heartbreak clash just fading plus my Chriron retro sitting on transiting Mars and squaring Saturn are not doing me any good.

Last night I couldn’t sleep. I’ve been so sad recently… I kept having those nasty dreams… Of being trapped, of growing old unable to reach him. I don’t wanna be 60 and still haunted by him. I cannot wait that long. I don’t care if we never get together if I have to wait that long. This is torture. I don’t want to waste my life waiting. It’s not fair. I’d love to know what I did in pastlives, what I did to him, to deserve this.

This morning I broke into tears. I felt like abandoning him forever. I don’t deserve this after 18 years. I simply don’t. Maybe he is right. Maybe it’d be mad to get together. Our lives are too different. I tried to adapt to my third man and it backfired on me. If I have to sacrifice too much it won’t work. He may be right not wanting to try. I maybe should disappear and don’t bother him again. I won’t be able to take another rejection… I prefer just vanish. Even when it breaks my heart, I maybe should just renounce forever.

There is nothing I can do. I can’t move him. I can’t push him forward. No matter what, he won’t give me a chance. There is nothing I can do. He won’t risk his heart. I’ve been there before, being a loser even before I started playing, fated to lose, no matter how hard I tried.

posted August 09, 2005 09:48 PM            

just know we are all here...not long ago, I suffered a horrible night due to a confession from a former love of mine that I have considered to be my soulmate...and I honestly thought I'd have a heartattack. Thank God I came here and posted and asked for love and light and so many people came forward to help me...else I may not have made it.

posted August 10, 2005 04:16 PM            

I’m really grateful for your encouraging words…

JustAmanda, like you, I truly find solace in this place… When I came back from the UK last November, after having left my boyfriend there (the third man) to start a new life and never go back, I reached rock bottom. I had sank before… In fact I had been sinking since as long as I can remember with little and short trips to the surface… But it never was as dark and silent as then, the abyss of my own soul.

The calls from my first man in dreams didn’t keep me afloat. I was spiritually dead for months. Completely numb. I stopped feeling that breathtaking pain that had been deepening for over a year. I did not want to breathe and I was so close to madness that it was scary… I started fantasising about stopping to exist, about disappearing. My life was over.

And you, people, brought me back to life. And that’s why I keep coming back. This is one of the few places where I feel real comfort and relief. I feel understood somehow.

Today I’m feeling better. Maybe because I’m so busy during the week that I have no time to think about anything. Just get up and furiously start the rat race for the day to come back extenuated in the evening and go back sleep for not enough hours… My dreams are unsettling but I’m so tired that I fall in a heavy sleep.

I think I’m gonna let it go… I was gonna text him to wish him a good holiday as I will be going away for 2 weeks this weekend (and he will do as well). But I won’t. I’m tired. Exhausted of juggling with fireballs. For nothing. I think I’m too scared of rejection. He will reject me if I keep chasing him… Otherwise, he’d be giving signs… Last contact was almost 2 months ago. 2 months of silence.

My natal Chiron is squaring Saturn and conjuncting Mars at the moment. It will be for a while. Then his Saturn return will come. Then another Heartbreak clash. It’s quite discouraging. It appears to be written in the stars that now is not the right time. But it also looks like if we let this window of time go by, there will be no excuses to see each other again.

posted August 11, 2005 09:26 AM              

Love him in a way that enables you to let him go - but don't not talk to him, because that will make him feel unwelcome. Let him know you feel this connection, that you are more mature, and would be happy to have him in your life again, accentuate everything positive about yourself - but don't put pressure on him. Find out how he feels. That is the best starting point.

I don't know. It can be healthy to chase, depending on how you're wired. It p*sses me off a bit how books like "The Rules" have etched it into people's minds that it's not okay for women to chase. Quite frankly, some women (including myself) actually feel more comfortable doing the chasing, and some men are quite happy for it to be so. And if you chase him, you have a much better idea of finding out how he feels!!

If you rejected him at one time, maybe you may have a lot of chasing to do in order to expect reciprocation. It depends how persistent you want to be, and how comfortable you feel around each other. How happy do you make each other? What positive things do you have that you could bring to each other?

I can understand how you feel as I was crazy abt. a Virgo guy for YEARS but he never reciprocated...but then I didn't make things any easier, because I was immature at the time. Now, I email him perhaps once a year, or once every two years. Sometimes life moves on...and brings you a better soulmate. Don't feel that you necessarily have to put all your eggs in one basket.

posted August 20, 2005 11:26 AM            

Well, I just came back from a week holiday in the Balearics… WOW, that was refreshing!!! I really switched off from the big capital city, work and my daily worries… Including his apparent lack of interest.

Tomorrow I’m off again to my granny’s apartment in the Mediterranean coast. Lovely. No time for missing him… I’ll get on with my life in the time being…

I was tempted last week to text him… He’d probably had rung me… But then I didn’t… I was secretly forcing myself without really wanting to talk to him. Because it was the perfect timing to text, because he may be thinking I don’t care if I don’t persevere… bla, bla, bla… No way. I need him to ring me without me having to provoke it. I need to know he wants to contact me. In his own timing. Otherwise, it has no value.

I know what you are saying. I don’t think it’s wrong to chase a man. But I’m not the right woman to do so. I need them chasing me. I need that for a relationship to work for me… I have chased in the past but it never fullfils me even if I win… I’m a Virgo, the image of a high-priced maiden conquered by a knight after a difficult trial really turns me on… I’m not done for chasing men… I’m a conquest.

posted September 27, 2005 03:08 PM            

Well, I thought of coming back here because suddenly I dreamed with him again last night… Out of the blue…

There has been no contact at all since June… Three months in silence. I have stopped thinking of him. And dreaming of him. Especially after my ex (the third man) has completely disappeared from my horizon. After I have come to the conclusion that we won’t be friends. That I’ll never contact him again. After I know now that it’s over forever. Accepting that has been excruciatingly painful. For the first time, I feel that the lesson is finished and we have nothing to do together.

Also, I had come to terms with the fact that the 1st man was not contacting me and he may not do it again. Until last night.

After that dream, I know this first story is not over. He is still there. He came to visit me… He had been months without coming… But he did last night. And it was sweet. Very sweet. I only remember him embracing me from behind. I tried to resist at first, I was hurt by his absence… But he held me there, firm and tender. He did not say a word but I could feel his warmth, which calmed me… It was a wordless “I’m sorry, darling…I love you”. I gave in, my resistence disappeared…

And then we kissed… It was long and sweet, sensual and slow, as if we were savouring it. I remember, as in all our romantic encounters in the astral plane, he was more steady than I was… I was thirsty, much more compulsive, impatient… while he slowed me down.

I know this sounds crazy but I know it was him, his soul was there… It wasn’t just my mind making images. It doesn’t happen this way with anyone else. But he comes to visit.

posted September 27, 2005 03:44 PM              

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Gemini sun, Cancer rising, mercury in Gemini, moon in Taurus *29, venus in Taurus, mars in Libra

posted October 01, 2005 12:36 PM              

Great to read about your dream!!
Of course he is near you and remember that you can contact him anytime you wish.

Call him if you like...it is not giving up control of any sort...it is taking control. You want to talk with him...so do so!!

No reason to wait for him when you are so solid in your being...you are! Why not spread some sunshine towards him...we know his delicate flower petals surely enjoy and miss your 'steelrose love'!

Just a few thoughts my Dear Friend!!
Hope you are having a great weekend!!

posted October 02, 2005 09:49 AM            

Hi Gem!!! It’s been a long time without knowing anything from you… How are you doing, girl?

Well, I’m not doing great right now. I went to a wedding yesterday evening. I thought I was fine. I tried to ignore the fact that everyone else there had their partners. That everyone there had a life going somewhere. I suppose I didn’t manage because tonight I couldn’t sleep normally. I felt very tense, as I always feel when I feel vulnerable and heartbroken. I woke up in the very early morning and spent hours in a half-conscious restless sleep. I spent more than 10 hours in bed and I feel exhausted and emotionally weak.

It’s always the same… Those wonderful dreams light me up for a couple of days… But their influence fades away leaving me again in the darkness. No, I can’t contact him whenever I want. He comes to visit as he pleases. I have no control over that. No matter how strongly I wish to go and visit him in dreams, it never works.

posted October 02, 2005 01:24 PM              

You know how you want it and that is OK. Sometimes that is exactly what you need to think. It all depends on what you want the outcome to be...how you get there may not be so easy to draw up. There are many, many ways we can connect with someone...and stubbornness can either work for you or against you. Every situation is different.

If you are not wanting to make contact, does this mean you are willing to let him go? Really let him go? Because living in the middle must feel like Hell!!

I would really be sad to think your strength was wasted by not going after what you want....yet, I DO understand where you are in your thinking!! I do. It appears to be a struggle between desiring a man but also wanting it to take a certain path...I used to be like that until I realized that Life is not always so simple and clear cut. Sometimes my idealism stood in the way of my success...as has my stubborn nature at times...these traits can be great in certain instances and not so super in others.

Knowing WHAT you want is the most important thing to stay focused on...consider HOW you can make it happen....or....Let him go. You seem to cycle through this every month or so and it makes me sad when I read of your torment. Just because it doesn't unfold as you would like it to does not mean you should stop trying....unless you have reached the place of moving on.

He may never be in the right place to give to you...and holding onto the past does not serve you well. (With any of your ex's.)

I certainly understand going to weddings and parties where everyone is paired...it all looks pretty on the outside and you could ask yourself how many of those couples are really fulfilled? 80%? 50%? 25%? 10%? Hold your head up high and your bar set higher!! Things will happen for you...please have Faith my Friend.

You may make whatever decisions you choose, just remember that it may not get you closer to your goal...consider all your options...and reconsider your thoughts and actions if you are still wondering about him. Just consider what you can do to get you to your end goal with him...HOW you do it may ultimately be less important than reaching the end result!! Si??

You deserve to be happy...and I know Happiness and Love will find you!!

GemStar

posted October 02, 2005 03:02 PM            

The most important thing for me it’s not the end result but the process of getting it. I need that effort. Not only I need it, I deserve it. It’s worth nothing if after all I have endured I have to chase it this way. He deserves nothing of this. And I suppose I’m mad at him for leaving me in the dark. As in the dream. I don’t care if he loves me or not. If he doesn’t come for me it’s worth nothing. Can’t you see it?

I was willing to let him go… But then he comes back in a dream and all my conviction is shattered. Back to square one. Because after days of floating around fantasising with that certainty, I’m back to the harsh reality. He may love me till extenuation but I can’t see it. So what if he does? If I’m thirsty here and draught is killing my fields here, there’s no use in knowing that is pouring down in the other side of the Atlantic.

I may be stubborn. I don’t deny it. But I’ve given him all the chances that I could. So, why is he not ringing then? What is his excuse if I’m so important? He needs me to ring him 100 times before he can ring me once? Well, I also have my needs. I don’t think it’s so inconsiderate to want some feedback. My pride has been also trampled on, I have been also badly wounded, I have also been abandoned and heartbroken… And let’s not forget that he was the popular guy who ignored this plain girl for years… What in this Earth makes him more deserving than I am? I also need chasing and conquering.

Well, yes, I’m angry. The same as in the dream. Because he is a coward and it still seems to be my fault because I decided to not want it at any price. I also have a price. And I felt so cheap while I was chasing him in spite of his inmobility.

In Spain we say “Two don’t argue if one of them doesn’t want to”. It’s the same with relationships.

My energy IS being wasted, it has been wasted all my life. And yes, it does feel like hell. It doesn’t matter how much I fight for someone… Because I never learn… I struggle, I tend to struggle, with understanding a simple concept: You don’t get people to love you just by wanting them to. This time I won’t make that same mistake.

This is not about idealism, believe me. Is it really idealistic to expect that someone that is interested in you to show a bit of interest? Why can’t he just leave me alone and stop coming if he is not going to do anything about it in real life? This is so unfair. I was fine for God’s sake! Why did he have to come back? What for?

I can’t ring him… It’s not only that I don’t want… I can’t. I hardly manage to breathe through week after week. I’m still trying to take the blow of my ex abandoning me. I can’t afford another blow.

I’m sick of being told that things will happen for me. I can’t feel it. I can’t believe it anymore. I can only cry, I have no energy for anything else. And dangerous ideas cross my mind sometimes. It’s hard enough to keep me in one piece. I have lost my faith. I simply can’t trust my future after so many years of emptiness. I’m trying to survive becoming numb. It’s not just him. It’s the whole story. I’m tired. I can’t even rest at night. And my mood is getting oversensitive and angry.

I don’t think I’m waiting for him. I’m just breathing because I have nothing else to do. I’m waiting for him to die within me. I think that’s all. Because I prefer that to chasing him without any interest on his side. Can’t you see how small and ridiculous I used to feel when he wouldn’t ring and I ended up doing it all the time? It felt as if he was being compasionate and well-mannered not wanting to reject me up-front.

posted October 02, 2005 04:01 PM              

I can feel your pain very much today...Sundays are always hard on you...take some deep breaths...it is great that you can let this all out!! Excellent!

Certainly I understand where you are and how you are feeling. How frustrated you feel and that you want to find the answers. I wish it could be easier. You are a strong woman and you do not have to chase anyone...you deserve to be chased too!!

When I wrote about idealism, I hope you understood it as being about the things we want--sometimes are not always delivered as we had envisioned. That's all...Life has an interesting way of changing our ideas and it is up to us to flow with or against those changes. It was just a thought to consider...that's all.

He may have come back to you in your dreams because you are still open to him...if you shut the door for good, he will not come. He will not be welcomed...maybe he visited in your dream to say hello...just to touch base and continue on with his life. Nothing more than that perhaps. Enjoy the warmth you felt from him...because it came from him as a gift to you. You know he has many difficulties and is not able to give you what you deserve. He just is not in that place. Forgive him for his weaknesses....and remember your own compassion for yourself.

Release the frustration you feel because it drains your beautiful energy. Let go of the past thoughts of lovers gone by...lessons were learned through each of them. Feel Blessed by the experience of Love.

Maybe your task now is to find your own balance and live it for a time. Releasing all the tension and anger resulting from those in your life who have hurt you.

Have compassion for your Spirit which has been so wounded. It will take some time to heal...so try and be more gentle with yourself...easy does it my Friend.

Take Care steel....Big Hugs!!

GemStar

posted October 03, 2005 04:17 AM            

i am really curious..........is the man u r talking about a scorpio.........cause this always seems to be the case with them........they can really make ur heart yearn and burn.

lots n lots of love and hugs!
diya