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Author
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Topic: Can huge age differences work out?
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Gooberzlostlovefound
Knowflake Posts: 595
From: and the embers never fade in your city by the lake
Registered: Jan 2002
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posted December 08, 2005 12:26 AM
 
(I am referring to individuals who are both over 18)Does this ever work in a romantic relationship? Can two people who have *vastly* different ages stay together or is it doomed from the start? If you have any personal experiences to share, or just thoughts/opinions, I would be totally interested to hear. Thanks!
 GLLF ------------------
There are some days when no matter what I say it feels like I'm far away in another country & whoever is doing the translating has had far too much to drink. IP: Logged |
peajie
Knowflake Posts: 240
From: Australia
Registered: Aug 2005
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posted December 08, 2005 02:23 AM
There comes a time.
After 11 years with a partner 16 years younger, she woke up one day and saw a grey haired old men next to her, and suddenly it mattered. And who is the guy who really wants to find himself with an overweight toothless woman with bladder probles and dementia. IP: Logged |
Johnny
Knowflake Posts: 834
From: Colorado, USA
Registered: Nov 2004
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posted December 08, 2005 04:09 AM
I don't think they really matter at all, in the long run. People are more than just their bodies. Someday, I think we're all going to remember that.  IP: Logged |
SunChild
Moderator Posts: 2635
From: Australia
Registered: Jan 2004
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posted December 08, 2005 04:50 AM
YES!!! Of course it can...age is merely an illusion. I've been in a long term relationship for 5 years, my partner and I are 14 years apart!
We both forget our ages, I keep him young, and he as strengthened my maturity! It's perfect actually.
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cathy1111100xxx
Knowflake Posts: 117
From: australia
Registered: Jul 2005
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posted December 08, 2005 08:08 AM
I think it matters what the intentions are. Sometimes older people are more financially stable or even wealthy. I am always suspicious of relationships where the older one is wealthyCathy IP: Logged |
proxieme
Knowflake Posts: 5456
From: Southern 'Bama
Registered: Aug 2002
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posted December 08, 2005 09:23 AM
How do you define "vast"?My Granparents were nearly 20 years apart in age, and they were married for over 45 years (ending only when he recently died). IP: Logged |
Randall
Webmaster Posts: 22800
From: Columbus, GA USA
Registered: Nov 2000
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posted December 08, 2005 01:13 PM
Age means nothing. Love is all. ------------------
"There is no use trying," said Alice; "one can't believe impossible things." "I dare say you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." Lewis Carroll IP: Logged |
Mystic Gemini
Knowflake Posts: 1387
From: New York City
Registered: Jul 2005
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posted December 08, 2005 01:22 PM
Like Aaliyah use to sing:
"Age Ain't Nothing But A Number"
------------------
Gemini sun, Cancer rising, mercury in Gemini, moon in Taurus *29, venus in Taurus, mars in Libra *´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ * Lost in the peace of serenity
Blind my eyes I cannot see
Lost my soul but found my heart
Again a time, when I shall start IP: Logged |
Isolaede
Knowflake Posts: 185
From: Studio City, CA
Registered: Aug 2005
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posted December 08, 2005 02:15 PM
Sadly I have to say that age does matter especially in the first 2-3 decades of life. I dated a fellow five years younger than I for about a year and a half. That seems like such a small age different but it caused big issues. I was 26 when we met and he was 21. I had a career, an apartment, and a car I’d already paid off. He was in school and had just left his mother’s house. None of that mattered to me at the time, but in retrospect I must acknowledge his lack of maturity and life experience was an issue. He saw the world through the eyes of a young man that had never truly experienced it. He had yet to learn all of the lessons adults have to learn. His lack of maturity forced me into the roll of the guide, the mother. Again, this wasn’t a deal breaker for me. I love taking care of people – it’s part of my nature, but it did make it hard for me to respect him as an equal. Two things broke us apart – first was his inability to cope with how challenging and difficult relationships can be at times. He was too young to bear through the storms. Second, he was young enough that he hadn’t fully developed. People change drastically in their early 20s. In the short span of time I knew him Nico reassessed every aspect of his values, and life purpose. In the end, I realized that the person he was becoming might not be someone that could love me in the same way he had in the past. To summarize, I think the biggest things couples with vast age differences struggle with is lack of respect, maturity differences, and developmental changes causing them to drift apart. It doesn’t mean it can’t work, but I think it’s difficult. I think in general it would be MUCH easier if both parties in the relationship were over 25 (or even 30), and I tend to think it might be a bit easier if the man is older than the woman because respect is such a HUGE factor for men in general.
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Randall
Webmaster Posts: 22800
From: Columbus, GA USA
Registered: Nov 2000
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posted December 08, 2005 04:19 PM
Respect and maturity are not always related to chronological age. ------------------
"There is no use trying," said Alice; "one can't believe impossible things." "I dare say you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." Lewis Carroll IP: Logged |
Gooberzlostlovefound
Knowflake Posts: 595
From: and the embers never fade in your city by the lake
Registered: Jan 2002
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posted December 08, 2005 09:24 PM
Hi everyone, thanks so much for all your replies proxieme, I guess "vast" can be defined differently...I was sort of thinking along the lines of 20 yrs +. Has anyone seen the VH1 show "My Fair Brady"? It's basically about the relationship between Christopher Knight, 48, (who formerly played "Peter" on the Brady Bunch) and Adrienne Curry, who's about 23. (yeah it's probably not 4 star quality tv, but, anyhow..just using it as an example). By the end of the show they end up getting engaged. But can it *last*?  I so badly want to believe that love can overcome everything, including age. But does maturity make up for lack of life experience? Can it? I'm sure it can to some extent, but I just don't know if it's enough. And what happens a few years down the road? Say 15, 20 years? Will Adrienne end up taking care of her husband who is now becoming an "old man"? Is it unfair to her? Just some thoughts that came to mind... Hmmmm... ------------------
There are some days when no matter what I say it feels like I'm far away in another country & whoever is doing the translating has had far too much to drink. IP: Logged |
MAGUS of MUSIC
Knowflake Posts: 1368
From: The Highlands,NY,usa
Registered: Jun 2002
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posted December 08, 2005 09:45 PM
If its not an age difference that becmes a problem down the road in a relationship,,, wouldnt it just be one or more other issues that surface ? IP: Logged |
lllog
Moderator Posts: 1065
From: Springfield MO
Registered: Jun 2002
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posted December 08, 2005 09:51 PM
Age does matter, and I can attest to that from personal experience. First there is sex, and that can't be ignored. I was 15 years older than my wife, I was 62 and she was 48, when I started to loose interest in sex and she didn't, it caused problems. Secondly, she couldn't relate to things that happen before she was born or old enough to understand. Anyway, our marriage didn't work out (lasted 12 years), and I think that our wide age difference had a negative affect on it. Just my 2 cents Lanny IP: Logged |
Gooberzlostlovefound
Knowflake Posts: 595
From: and the embers never fade in your city by the lake
Registered: Jan 2002
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posted December 08, 2005 10:59 PM
Lanny...can you tell me more about your experience? The good, the bad..anything you might want to share. I really want to hear a lot from someone who has experienced it firsthand. And sorry to hear that it didn't work out...I hope you did manage to have some good years together, though.------------------
There are some days when no matter what I say it feels like I'm far away in another country & whoever is doing the translating has had far too much to drink. IP: Logged |
fayte.m
Knowflake Posts: 2974
From:
Registered: Mar 2005
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posted December 09, 2005 09:06 AM
It all depends on the people involved. If one or both of them have the idea that they will never get old or sickly or fat or disabled or grey, bladder troubles..and more..
Well these kind of things do happen to us all
in time.I know many age different couples..straight and gay. One couple is gay. They are 23 and 44 years old. The 44 year old is in pretty good health but the 23 year old has many health problems.
It seems to be working for them. If the older one were to start having health problems the 23 year old would understand.
My Grandmother was 18 when she married Grandfather who was 73 years old. They had 6 children before he died 11 years later. I have copies of some of the courtship letters he wrote her. Lovely!
She remarried 5 more times. Every new husband was 5 to 15 years younger, but she outlived them all.
Great Grandmother gave birth to my grandfather at age 51 and her husband my great grandfather was 8 years younger I believe ...and in fit condition.
My brothers are all married to women 20 or more years younger, My father-in-law who is 71 is married to a woman 52.
Another lady I know was married to a man 30+ years younger. He died in his 30s...she is still going strong.
With my second husband I was 33 to his 18. It worked and sex was not a problem or how I looked to him even when I gained 200pounds after becoming disabled. There were no age related things that caused problems. His mother said to him.."she is going to get old on you"...he said...Mom....the age gap will never change. There will always be 15 years between us. When she gets older..I will be older too". That shut her up! The marriage broke up not because of age differences but because of his drinking and temper.
I am now married to another man...who is 15 years younger than my 51 years. He met me when I was 43 and nearly 400pounds. No problems with us! I have lost 100 some pounds. But I am getting old and hair getting whiter. I ave many age related and disability related health troubles. He is wise enough to realize that this is life. Does he want a wild young fit thing...who needs constant entertainment... or security and deep love and friendship from one as me? Me of course! Like the other day he was lamenting the greying of his hair and beard. He was lamenting the loss of more hair at his temples and having more aches and pains than he used to. I told him ..."you are young and beautiful to me".....But I am getting old he replied...and I said...so am I! And then did a granny face at him and said...come on you sexy young thing...and he laughed and called me an old letch...and we trotted of for some very nice lovemaking.
He loves how I will always see him as younger and very handsome! He knows guys his age with younger wives who expect their older husbands to keep up with them and never get old. They are unhappy with their trophy wives.
He will never have to worry about seeming old to me....
I also love how he is not hung up on my being older and with so many health issues.
We enjoy greatly the company of each other.
He loves how I take pleasure in the little joys of life and take things one day at a time. He loves how I take care of him when he had surgery...and then a seizure. How these things do not freak me out. I just do what I need to do. He knows that a younger spouse would not do that for him. He has taken care of me also and sees the trials in living I go through each day. But he he happy with me and he knows that I have and will take care of him when he is not feeling well.
Age differences can have some things that make it necessary to give space to each other. Like he loves to play video games. I hate them. He hates tinkering. So if I am not having a bad body day...while he plays games...I go to the basement and tinker on rewiring something or playing with my electric experiments. In a little while he will tire of the games..and come see what I am up to. He never knows if he will find me in a Faraday cage or playing with a Tesla coil...or simlpy repairing a lamp or tearing apart some motor for the copper and magnets.I may look to many as like an old fat lady...
And I am indeed one.
But I do not ACT like one
So my body is old.
But I am not old in mind or interests or stuck in a rut like lots of folks my age.
And my husband is young of body but not young of mind. I actually am teaching him how to be young as he ages! To appreciate and enjoy all the little things! To realize and accept that changes wil happen....so why fight them. Just enjoy life!
If a couple is truly ready to settle down...there should not be any problems unless unrealistic ideas are kept.
This can happen in any relationship! Like the guy who leaves his wife because she is getting hippy or wrinkled. Well dude..look in the mirror mr buttcrack cleavage and beer gut! You are not anything great to look at either! Oh..but he has a fancy car and motorcycle. In his mind she is now an old fat wife and he is a studmuffin! Then when he does find some younger one...and marries her...then either she gets bored with him when he gets tired of playing studmuffin...and goes to find herself another guy. There he is all depressed. Tries to go back to the old wife but she has herself a much younger man who appreciated older women rather than the golddiggers of his age.
I guess the point I am trying to make is; wether close in age or far apart...both persons must be over sowing their wild oats.
They must have realistic concepts about health and aging. If sex is the main glue that binds them...the relationship will fail in time. If it is about looks first..same thing..for looks do change with time no matter the ages involved.
Get over that you will stay the same and they will to.
I laugh every time I remember hearing that silliness..said to my younger husband(s) by their mothers...
"when you wake up besides her and shes in her 80s ..what will you do?".....replies/paraphrased..."I will wake up and be 65 years old not 18(2nd.husband)or 28(third husband). Age is a state of mind...change your mind!
Summer is pleasant...but winter can be beautiful too!
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fayte.m
Knowflake Posts: 2974
From:
Registered: Mar 2005
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posted December 09, 2005 09:26 AM
Quote:
And who is the guy who really wants to find himself with an overweight toothless woman with bladder probles and dementia.
My husband! Would he lke me thinner...younger looking...to not need to get my teeth fixed often...would he like it better if I had not scared him with having a stroke last year? Would he like it if I could be more spontaneous and not tied to the
problems that intermittant semi paralysis causes..like loss of bladder and bowel control or feeling...would he like it if I were ready for sex everytime he is? But cannot because some part of my body is not functioning at that moment.
Of course he would prefer I am not a mess sometimes. But that is the stuff of life..and he does not hold that against me. And when he gets older his agings will not bother me in the least bit.
He can see my youth and enthusiam inside! He often comments how I am so easy to love and are so very undemanding and always find him beautiful. How I amaze him with my lust and zeal for life!
He can see me...not my body troubles...not my body age. He sees my youthfulness come thru and finds it endearing and loves me for me. And again that quote:
And who is the guy who really wants to find himself with an overweight toothless woman with bladder probles and dementia. Switch that to:
And who is the gal who really wants to find herself with an overweight toothless man with prostate leakage and dementia. Well..it doesn't happen overnight!
You do not suddenly wake up with this old person! It happens gradually even with vast age differences! So any fool who missed that their older partner seems "suddenly" OLD...was not paying attention! And needs to go take a long look in the mirror! Because odds are father time has done some alterations to them also!
Time stands still for no one. That goes for the young and the old.
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Lialei
Knowflake Posts: 268
From:
Registered: Jul 2005
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posted December 09, 2005 02:27 PM
L VE
...so does this mean I finally give in to the irrestible charming sexiness of the 18 year old Jim Morrison look-alike at work?
He asked me to join him under the mistle-toe the other day.   (mental mantra: be good, be good, be good, be good....  ) IP: Logged |
fayte.m
Knowflake Posts: 2974
From:
Registered: Mar 2005
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posted December 09, 2005 02:49 PM
Lia!
Is there any harm in getting to know the charming young man?  
Could be fun! And I do not just mean sexually! Or even sexually! Gads I am friends with young guys and no sex...just good times! Get to know him! Who knows what might happen in a few years when he is older!IP: Logged |
Aphrodite
Knowflake Posts: 4429
From:
Registered: Feb 2002
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posted December 09, 2005 04:30 PM
Oh Fayte, I read your posts and am touched with how much you put yourself into them. I was able to feel the love you are speaking of with your husband. Thank you for sharing this. It made my afternoon. Happy Holidays to you. Love & Light, AphroditeIP: Logged |
Lindaland
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