posted January 23, 2006 01:07 PM         

"The 'silent treatment' is another form of abuse. He waits, fishing for whatever will benefit him. Simply say "Let me know when you feel like talking". Say nothing else. Act like 'no big deal' and put a smile on your face. If you can't handle this get to a therpist right away.
Strategy - Know this is a typical childish 'bait and wait' of the mentally disordered."

That was a typical reaction I experienced with one person. Usually after I played prosecuter and captured him in multiple lies (yes, he would fly into a rage when I caught him in a lie).

Once the silent treatment was over (which could last up to a few days). He would just act as if nothing happened, therefore nothing would be addressed. If we did address it.. it would then become MY FAULT.. I should have known better.. or we would fall back into the "Questions.. manipulation... rage... silent.. " cycle again.

posted January 26, 2006 05:57 PM         

She would make we wait while she did whatever and it would drive me nuts!!!
Then of course you react and then the reply is instant - you are labelled with having the problem even though you have made it clear you are just trying to be fair.

I foolishly let her know early on this was a hot button and she pressed it with all her might. Then says angrily that I think she was cold. Yep, she was right. Horrible behaviour that makes everything they say or do in the heat of passion seem so superficial in retrospect.

I have learnt to react as you have for the future. Also makes me lookout for this behaviour early on now as well.

Swerve

posted February 05, 2006 12:18 AM         

I can't stress enough how one needs to follow the advice.. when you notice these signs in someone, RUN.. RUN fast and don't look back.

Don't let them use their lines again. Don't let them play on your sympathy. Do not believe when they say they have received therapy and will do anything to work with you to save the relationship.

Therapy takes a long time.. and most of them only try it for a few sessions and then think they are fixed.

I know.. because I started talking to the Ex Taurus again. He said he was getting help and becoming more emotionally open...blah blah blah...

As time went on, the same old patterns became to show through. The lies about dropping and losing his phone so he couldn't call for two days. Or his text messaging was broken for me but seemed to work with everyone else (how else did I not recieve his responses LOL). Or how he wanted to call but someone stole his phone at an event - yet he never complained about having to get it replaced (he always complains about things like that).

I sat back and watched... knowing I wouldn't get back together with him - no matter how hard he tried. I watched and waited for the patterns to emerge again..and they did.. they always DO.. that is one thing you can count on with people of this nature.

The last straw, the thing that made me stop and say NO WAY... was when he asked for an unreasonable request last week. He wanted my father to pick up a dreamcatcher so that I could sent it to him. When I first asked him if it was for him or his house he said.. "Oh hee hee.... well, not my house.. but "A" house. I asked "Who's House?"

"Oh hee hee.. well, for my ex-gf... "

Someone whom I have never met, someone who he told me I would never meet (even though they lost a daughter together) because she had nothing to do with my life...on and on... there is a story with the whole thing, but I still don't have all the evidence to prove the whole thing is a fabrication - the ex...etc.... funny how her name was never in his phone nor was her parents number, whom he professed to call on a daily basis.

So when he asked me this favor.. and HE always starts with "Can I ask you for a favor..hee hee". It is almost never a good thing and I have yet to hear a response from the one favor I asked of him. LOL.... I told him "Do you realize what you are asking me? This person was one of the reasons we broke up.. the whole secrecy and the lies surrounding this person are so immense that I cannot believe you would ask this of me".

His response? "WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU MEAN? DAMN IT, WHY ARE YOU GETTING DO G-DAMN UGLY WITH ME?!!!"

I said "Why are you yelling? Why are you making this about me? It would be like me asking you to have your dad pick up something for my ex-husband"

Now he is irate at being caught "WHAT DO YOU MEAN? IT IS NOT THE SAME NOT AT ALL... YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME"......

Nope.. guess I don't because I think he was being the most selfish jerk on the planet. But..that is how they are.. and in his mind we are at the point in the pattern where he feels he is in control and can start asking things that are out of this world and if I don't comply (this is another famous trick played by these people) this it is MY fault. I AM the ONE being unreasonable. LOL....

This time.. I recalled this thread... and how it made me feel when I read it and how horrible I had been feeling letting him back into my life - even if it was just talking -because it only took less that TWO months for him to reach this point again.

I told him to f-off. I said "You are right - I just don't understand you and I don't want to. I love my life and I am at a good place in my life. I don't need nor want this anymore. So I would appreciate if you no longer communicated with me. I don't want to talk. I just want to get on with my life here and you can get on with yours in Texas. Good luck and goodbye."

Since that day, I have felt 100 times better. My energy level is back, I am going out again. I have started attending the charity organization meetings that I belong to. My work outlook is also 100 times brighter...etc.. I didn't realize how just letting him back into my life - in a speaking capacity - was draining me, making me feel somewhat depressed because I knew even that small amount of contact is wrong.

So... don't think you can change them. Don't think they will change in 2 months, 6 months or even a couple of years.

It took them years and years to get this way and to perfect their personas, it aint gonna change in your (our) lifetime LOL...

posted February 06, 2006 12:26 PM         

I recommend it... it's pretty interesting.. and pretty humorous too.

posted February 06, 2006 12:42 PM         

"The favorite prey of an Emotional Vampire are people who believe they can have the speed and exhilaration of a Ferrari with the safety and stability of a Toyota".

posted February 06, 2006 01:32 PM         

The last one seemed to be together mentally... he had said he found his inner light while stationed overseas. Yeah, right... just a nice line. I see now how he drew out my weaknesses from my last relationship as a way to find a control measure.

The beautiful thing is that I no longer have to deal with it. I went out yesterday to meet with friends for the Superbowl and had a blast. I realized that I don't have to worry about his phone calls or what new crisis is going to spring up in his life. I am also around people that give because they enjoy it, not because it is to get something in return.

I even have a date coming up... LOL... He's a Cappy with a Leo moon.. guess I'll see how this goes..

posted February 06, 2006 11:10 PM         

Pidua, I am glad you told your ex to f... off, he deserved it for bringing up the ex g/f like that. He sounds immature and negative.

I swear negativity is like cold mud, it sticks to your shoes, weighing you down and you spend half your life chipping away at it. My Pisces friend is sort of negative that way sometimes, the other day he said women are cold, horrible creatures who never call you back. I said, that's not very positive, try remembering you have friends. Then he said what good things are happening with you? So I believe I need to take him out for some wine, or make some changes.

The Cancer ex b/f emailed me today to tell me he had a death in the family and misses me, would like to help me?? Also that he lost his phone, and he wants me *** down to see him because he's lonely.

Marriage and a relationship is a job, but there ought to be some benefits!

I was thinking today of leaving my house before it sells and offering to caretake for an older woman in NYC, that way I could move without risking much expense and I would be doing something I love, taking care of someone who appreciates me enough to pay me a salary and keep me from being lonely at the same time. I see no reason to rush into a new job either which or get a roomate. I would be making more money than I am now, I can go to school at night.

I certainly don't need to live my life around a boyfriend, since I only need one to go dancing and one is actually available, and I would save a ton of money. It's attractive to be treated as an equal because I am actually needed, sort of the way a marriage should be but never is.

These days marriage is no leap of faith, because people don't need each other. I know men don't need me unless it's to pay the bills OR to make time until something better comes along. While that is not nice, it's realistic.

I always getting stuck with vampires who break my spirit just because I hate being alone.

posted February 07, 2006 04:35 AM         

Exactly my Aries ex did with me. But after 3 years I understood his techinique and stopped playing to his tune and getting all the blame.
He was a real emotional vampire !!

when I left him, he asked angrily "Do you know how much I put up with you. Do you think anyone else will bear all these?"

posted February 08, 2006 05:21 PM         

I agree with the not needing anyone part. Sure I would like to find someone to spend my time with, but not at the expense of losing my soul. LOL... I used to tell my mother when she dated this real vampire we called FUGLY... "Lonliness is better than FUGLY..".

That is a rule I live by now. Why spend time and money in a relationship with someone that just sucks your soul dry or makes you feel depressed for just being with them.

I felt that all the time with the ex- even when we were "just talking" like some thick cold mud (as you so perfectly described negativity) covered me and began to suffocate me. To think that I considered going back (for like a nanosecond).

Sweet,

It is hard, at first, find the courage to walk away. I think the most difficult vampire to spot is that narcissistic one.. he / she knows how to use all the tricks and the silent treatment / cycles to get a person confused. My ex used to brag about having the ability to brainwash someone and the techniques he would employs. Part of that is to keep a person always guessing and in a state of chaos.

Basically it goes like this; shower them with love, then pull away - that makes the person question themselves. The mate then wonders what they did wrong to deserve getting the cold shoulder. That leads to the person then asking the Narcissist what is wrong.. that leads to the N denying anything is going on at all. Then there is the argument. The N pretends the person is being unreasonable or is acting "CRAZY". It leads to a bigger argument, the mate wonders if they are in fact, crazy for thinking such things. Then the N starts to get close again, loving.. but can turn it off in a second.. usually based on some slight from the mate that does not exist. Another argument, more crazy accusations and then the silent treatment..

Again, the only way to break it, is to leave. It is so incredibly sad that the N cannot love anyone- which leaves the mate wondering if they are so unlovable....

It is better to be alone, that to be drained of ones soul

posted February 09, 2006 08:53 AM         

Oh my God - Piduau - where were you 4 months ago?

Utterly brilliant post.

posted February 10, 2006 04:51 PM         

That has to be harsh to have a Narcissist as your first love... but, I will bet you are MUCH more tougher than most people realize ... experiences to that to us.

Swerve,

Ahhh.... 4 months ago I was just finding myself again. I had lost so much of me to him and trying to keep the peace. I had a unique situation in that he is in the military and had to leave for 3 months. It was during that time that I began to find myself again and realize that he was mental. I found documents that backed up my initial belief that he was lying to me - about some things that would make your toes curl.

I had resigned to leave, but I was also stuck in a town, without friends and thought.. nah.. if I leave, this sap will look at it as another crisis he can use to get someone else to feel sorry for him. SO I planned my exit... but, when he came back, it was all about how much he loved me and missed me...etc...

Then I found the phone records and text messages.. yep, he was back to his old games of flirting with any woman that would give him attention. Telling them he loved them, sending them poems..etc... but by then I got a job with the county and started saving money. I had already planned on leaving when I got back from a biz trip in July. THEN.. he grandfather passed away (another crisis.. but his papa was a damn good man... and I wanted to be there with his family).

Once we got back I started to get things in order to leave. Funny, he was also different when he came back (he found a friend in TX LOl).. All I could think of was GOOD RIDDANCE.. I was hoping she could keep him occupied until I could get the heck out (again.. I had already seen through the game and all I wanted to do was get out before he could try and talk me out of it. That poor girl will never know how important she was in getting me out of that sitauation without him even knowing).

I ended up getting out.. and hit him with the truths of his lies. He kept denying it... but the hardest lie was when he said he took a trip to San Antonio to attend that memorial for his deceased daughter.. come to find out he really went to party in Dallas with his friends and the other woman. I found out because we flew out on the same day and there were NO straight flights into SA - only Dallas... I knew.. and I laughed to myself. I even called him while I was standing in front of the monitor, at the other concourse and sarcastically said "Well.. you have a very safe trip to SA and please tell the family I said Hi.. I know it will be difficult for you to have to endure this memorial".

God.. he fell for it.. even went so far as to invent a lie where the ex-gf's parents were going to pick him up...etc...

When I confronted him, after I moved out he said "I had to face some demons in Dallas"...

Haa haa.. the only demon that idiot needs to face is himself. He still had no idea that I know about 80% more truths than I have said to him. I just kept letting him lie and lie... LOL...

For all I know he is reading this since he does know I post here.. but I don't give a crap. LOL....

Anyway.... it takes at least half of the time you spent together to get over that person.. or that is what they say. I think it is even longer when you are with an emotional vampire.

BUT.... what victims need to understand is that you MUST CONFRONT your feelings.

BE ANGRY
BE SAD
CRY, CRY, CRY.....

Write down all the lies, all the games... learn them inside out.. because you will end up getting those emotions balanced and you will learn never to fall into that trap again.

We all have our quirks, but it would break my heart to do to someone what my ex did to me.

The NS (or the victim) is usually a person that believes in the "do unto others" rule. So we cannot believe someone would seek to con us or hurt us. We just want to be apart of a team and help others... right?

Mama...

Normal people don't feel games are the way to live life. The N is not normal..hell they don't even realize they are playing the game. It is so ingrained in their personality that they have no idea what they doing until it starts to unfold.

My ex would lie at a moments notice. Even about stupid things like saying his got a flat while looking for land in our county. He would call his supervisor and say he was waiting for the tow-truck..yet he was right there next to me on the sofa.

I agree though. It takes too much energy to live that kind of life.

All I can say is THANK GOD HE IS GONE FOR GOOD!!!!

By the way... I got a job!!!!

Hee hee.. I absolutely cut him out of my life and within one week I became an officer of the organization where I do charity work and I was offered a county position in the superintendents office working on grants. That means travel AND I'll be putting on workshops for teachers / students.