posted September 02, 2009 10:04 AM            

There are other perspectives you can't see
and I can never show them to you

You live your life in your own little world
seeing only what you want to see

And judging others by a standard
of a stagnant morality

Sometimes I get through
briefly

And then you encompass my view
and forget it was me
who opened your eyes
to see

I am a failure
an embarrassment
a poet
not a worker bee

I will never be
what you want me
to be

You know that character
in Good Will Hunting?
He won that noble prize thing in math
Robin Williams called him an arrogant ****

I think of you every time I see that movie
and I want to tell you that I like me,
that my life has meaning
even though you see me as a failure who doesn't amount to much.

I will forever chase
after your approval
and if I fail
it will be your failure too
Because I can never succeed
when I am split in two

trying to be what you want me to be

but I will never be what you want me to be

posted September 02, 2009 01:28 PM            

Could be my own mother in your descriptions, Mel (who, btw, calls me a nymphomaniac because I've slept with men that I didn't marry )

posted September 02, 2009 08:58 PM            

My improv teacher and few others in class have similar stories.

posted September 10, 2009 06:16 AM            

First of all your Mother is a product of her own upbringing, so you have to factor that in. She might project onto you alot of what was thrown on her, whether she realizes she does it or not.

Secondly, my mother is the same way. For years she made me feel like total poo. She would come over and visit, and suddenly everything would turn to crap. She nitpicks me to death until I feel like I am 2 inches tall.
EX. The backhanded compliment/insult
"You would think with your pretty skin tone you would want to wear a color more flattering, I mean every time I see you, your wearing a version of that color."

WTF???

When I was in college, I got chosen by the english department as the student they pick once a year to do a "Poetry Performance Series." It was a huge deal to me, to read my poetry aloud to the English dept, my fellow students, my family and friends. I mean seriously, it was probably in the Top Ten Best Moments of my life.
I didn't think Mom would come.
She thought poetry was a waste of time, and who makes money writing poetry. And when I would try to read it to her, she would get frustrated, and say it made no sense.

What does she do? She shows up, cries through the whole thing, and afterwards, at the mixer, goes around to crowd proudly telling everyone that I am HER daughter, and blah, blah, blah. Honestly I was just dumbfounded.

After many years we finally talked. She just basically said that she wanted for me to have a better life and that is why she discouraged my artistic dreams, she thought they were not practical.
She said she always admired my talents, but she didn't know how to tell me. She just didn't have the words.
As far as the criticizing, she said she didn't even realize she was doing it. She thought she was helping!

I'm not saying it is really much different. Now that I am older, when I see her, if she starts in on my hair, shoes, whatever, I put my hand up. That is our signal. We don't have a close relationship, more like old friends.
She is getting older now, and mellowing, and she says that I should write and write and write some more. She says at least I will leave something behind.
So MM, you can't change her, but she can't change you either, and really you both probably wouldn't want to.

posted September 14, 2009 02:39 PM              

there have been times when she put herself in harm's way, abusive relationships, and i feel she is very hard on my grandson, trying to control his every move to protect him from harm...

but i know that my attempts to help only sound like criticism, in fact sometimes my attempts to have my own life are greeted as criticism!

it's a hard relationship which involves NECESSARY separation for individuation, a lot of projection too on both sides...i keep working on my own projections and trying to show i trust her and approve of her though i do sometimes wish she would not choose the hardest road!

i hope that one day you will bridge the gap, it is wonderful when you do. when my mother was deteriorating from a "terminal" disease she could be IMPOSSIBLE, her pain and frustration drove her batty! at one point i realized she was not going to be around much longer, and decided i was going to have a good relationship with her whether she wanted to, or helped, or NOT!

posted September 26, 2009 11:07 AM            

Many of these sucky mothers are narcissists - unfortunately you will NEVER change them and to be frank, it's not your job to do. It's not your responsibility. Let them go on being broken. They'll shoot themselves in their own feet more than you will ever know.

I don't understand my own mother and she doesn't understand me, and I am GLAD I am not like her, and try to be as unlike her as possible (she has always detested me because I was the reason my father had an affair after I was born, and because I look like him and have many of his personality traits - I.E. I am not her MINI-ME!! - all she ever wanted was a doll to dress up who wouldn't talk back, and didn't have a life of its own - HA!). She also saw me as rampant competition, and could not bear to see me happy in any way. I swear she is one of those people who are BORN evil.

Keep your chin up and keep smiling and keep being you and be proud of yourself, because that sense of being yourself, of having the RIGHT to be yourself, is all you've got at the end of the day.

Love to you,

posted September 26, 2009 11:42 AM            

Gypsee, my mom is a lot like yours, except the holding-up-the-hand signal to stop with the criticism doesn't work in my case. I know my mom wants the best for me, but that doesn't stop her haranguing me about my clothes, hair, and especially my work. She always wanted me to work in a bank (this was her idea of "security" ) and still tells me that I should quit my current job and go be a bank teller (ha! I make a lot more than a bank teller right now). She always wanted me to marry a nice doctor, and when I didn't, nothing I could do was ever good enough because I hadn't accomplished that one single sign of "success" (Mom is a Cappy), ie marrying "up." I wish I could resolve things with her now, but I just don't feel like I can -- she's not hearing me because she had a stroke years ago that took half of her mind, and plain old senility is setting in now, messing with what's left. So I just let it be and let her nasty comments about not coming to see her regularly because of that awful man slide off -- she envisions me spending all my time with a no-good boyfriend who is keeping me from visiting my mother every day like a proper daughter (WTF, I haven't had a bf in years!! ).....

Sadly, I hear my mother's voice in my own interactions with my son
I push him to do his best in whatever task he's doing and I wonder if I should even say anything because I know how I reacted to my mother when she did the same thing to me. But how else do I transmit expectations?? Should I even have expectations?? I don't push him to strive for employment at a bank -- whatever he wants to aim for is fine with me (as long as it's not just hanging around Mom's house forever playing video games, getting fed, and not doing any chores).
But I *do* have expectations -- I expect him to grow his character and increase in self-discipline and responsibility for self. I expect him to become more independent and not cling to me.
My parents were basically kind and thoughtful people, but I think they considered emotional support as a form of "coddling" and I left their house with a feeling of never being good enough or doing well enough because they never really recognized my accomplishments (or, at least, they didn't give me the atta-girls I thought I deserved).....

**sigh**

posted September 28, 2009 01:48 AM            

Sorry I missed your post, T.