posted April 20, 2013 07:15 AM            

" I'm just grateful it 'made it here at all', y'know? And typically honoured it 'came' through me. (Whatever that REALLY means.)"
Yes, I get that. I think I do. Sometimes I feel like a filter or channel or portal, just voicing something, that doesn`t even really comes from me, but from, oh I don`t really know. I donīt even believe in channelling. LOL
I believe in the unchartered places inside the human mind though, that which we have no conscious control of.

"
That's where I learnt about them! "

You mean you learnt about them through my post? I feel honoured.

"is 3š Sag Sun with 20š Cancer Moon. I've always been fascinated by the fact she typifies this contradiction."
There is a deep, internal/subconscious, need for a home and security within any Sag, though it does not look like it on the surface. But I have met quite a few, am one myself of course, and once you scratch the surface, you`ll find things you have never expected. Same with Aquarius. Scratch the surface, get below it to the antiscon.
In my case the antiscion of my Moon is 12 Scorpio.
Ever wondered why so many Aquarius-Scorpio relationships do seem to work after all? (my parents being an example of this)
Or at least are so attracted to each other? (they do not always work for 40 years like my parents, up to now and going on).

There is real passion underneath the detached analytical Aquraius exterior; I suspect us Aquarians NEED to analyze things so we can cling to the illusion we are not being shaken by emotions like lost ships in a storm. Which we really are.
Whereas water signs might be able to deal with their emotional storms, we try to control them, direct them, but we are JUST as deeply hit, maybe even more defenceless under the surface, because unlike most watersigns we do not want to accept that we canNOT detach from them or rationalize it all away. We try to, but we fail. It is the Scorpio underneath that is stinging us from the inside, trying to shatter the facade.

"Absolutely. It's almost like a matrix: a three-dimensional space comprised of vectors going across that third-dimensional plane. It connects ALL of the planes together. (I'm studying quantum mechanics now, actually.)"
I have no idea of quantum mechanics (fascinating subjec though, making mental note to look into it).
But yes, that is the image I had in mind. Another strange thought flashed through my mind: the antiscion pierces right through the heart.

Whatever that means.
But it feels like that.
I am also meaning the contrascion btw, it is always an axis.

posted April 20, 2013 07:16 AM            

"
Oh, point of clarity: I was told (by ... KT? I think?) that the tradition for determining declination is 1š '30."
You mean the orb?
I have only ever heard of 1 degree orb, and even of a sliding scale only alloing minutes of orb for the high declinations. However I stick to the one degree orb.

No what I meant is that the waveband of the eccliptic (which determines declination) is only about 23 degree to the NOrth and 23 degrees ot the South.
Since there are only 46 possible degrees from North to South, it is more likely two planets will be parallel each other, than conjunct (as the longitudeds span 360 degrees). Of course e use a smaller orb with declinations anyway.

BTW did you try out the longitudinal equivalent charts, which convertes the declination into longitudinal degrees?

"THAT is actually what I love about them. The ACTUAL visibility of the conjunction - or what we know as a conjunction."
Yes.
It seems to me in the age of computerized calculation we forgot how astrology originally was born. From observation of the sky above our heads.

" A synergy, actually."
TZhat as the word I was looking for. Thank you.

"C'mon, Venus! Pick yourself up out of that 12H shadow and ... and ... oh, forget it. She'd rather read. In the dark. -shaking head-"

It`s not really easy having a Northern Saturn in Cancer in the 8th house either.
he`s frightened of his own damned shadow (being Saturn he of course has damned good reasons and is just reasonable about it, of course.)

"Yeah, the last thing you need with a quindecile is Pluto. That's just like ... anybody got some petrol? I'd like to put this fire out ...."
LOL Yes.
Though I do not want to put the fire out. Most of the time.
In this case he shakes me out of my comfort zone, he challenges me in ways I`ve never experienced before (or allowed anyone to do), and yes it is uncomfortable at times, but at the same time I know deep inside that this is EXACTLY what I need.
Transformation doesn`t happen because you feel so comfortable in your skin and everything is going smoothly.
It`s a kick in the gut actualy. A shot of adrenaline. You need a lot of energy to get it kickstarted, to change the old ways, a change of perception.
Exhausting? Sure. But so deeply fascinating, fulfilling and worthwile, too.
As I said I need my catharsis on a regular basis. All internal, true to my below horizon and Southern declination chart. (double blow I guess).

"wondering if she should refrain from mentioning something about an axe, a vibrator, and tranquilisers."
LOL

Funnily his Venus is on the antiscion of my Mars natally (his Mars trines my Venus, but it is so wide, almost 5 degrees).

His Venus is probably too wide to be parallel my Mars though; orb is 1°26, I am never sure about declinational orbs though.

posted April 20, 2013 07:35 AM            

quote:

---

Funnily his Venus is on the antiscion of my Mars natally (his Mars trines my Venus, but it is so wide, almost 5 degrees).

His Venus is probably too wide to be parallel my Mars though; orb is 1°26, I am never sure about declinational orbs though.

---

We got the same, although me Venus.

My Venus on the antiscian of his Mars - but it's an orb of 1,50 AND out-of-sign (if that counts)
- a sextile between them is already there btw.

Plus his Mars parallel my Venus (orb 1,01)

Your dec-orb would count mostly if another planet is linked with it.

posted April 20, 2013 08:58 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by mir:
Your dec-orb would count mostly if another planet is linked with it.

---

My Mars is: 21°13 S

his Venus is: 22°39 S
his Neptune: 21°45 S

(well, my Saturn is 21°56 N)

posted April 20, 2013 09:00 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by beijing07:
@ Ceridwen Wow, I did not know astrology was so complex. I have never heard of parells or planetary eclipses but then again I'm just a novice. I was wondering if you could take a look at our synastry and composite and provide some insight please. You obviously have a lot of experience and I definitley would like to hear your feedback. Here is the link http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum11/HTML/006814.html

---

Thanks.
I fear I am not in the right state of mind to delve into your synastry or composite right now.
I will keep it in mind though, and if I feel more "freeminded" I will have a look.

posted April 20, 2013 09:21 AM            

quote:

---

My Mars is: 21°13 S

his Venus is: 22°39 S
his Neptune: 21°45 S

(well, my Saturn is 21°56 N)

What post disapeared?

---

Definitely counts!

(my mars is at 21'14 S lol)

But interesting.. I spent pretty some time recently to natal Saturn/Mars hard aspects connected to planets of the other, as I heard pretty bad stories about it. *Cruelty* and all that stuff from the S/M person to the planet-person. I didn't want to believe that as *his* S/M contra-parallel is also strongly connected to my venus/moon/mars in the declinations ... but I'm glad to see it's there with you also!

posted April 20, 2013 09:32 AM            

"(my mars is at 21'14 S lol)"
LOL So our marses are parallel each other real tightly.

"But interesting.. I spent pretty some time recently to natal Saturn/Mars hard aspects connected to planets of the other, as I heard pretty bad stories about it. *Cruelty* and all that stuff from the S/M person to the planet-person."
Yes, read that, too. I think it depends on the person in question though. It *can* be cruel, though more in the longitudinal aspects. Somehow the declinational ones feel different.
However, I also must say my parents have a DW of Mars-SAturn conjunction in thehir synastry.

Also her Mars is parallel his Saturn with an orb of 1°19.
her Saturn is parallel his Mars even more closely.

Of course it is a parallel and conjunction, however they make a very constructive team.

" I didn't want to believe that as *his* S/M contra-parallel is also strongly connected to my venus/moon/mars in the declinations ... but I'm glad to see it's there with you also!"
I am not totally sure what it really means.
My Saturn contraparallel probably puts a damper on my Mars-energy, but also makes it more focused. I donīt really know.
maybe in a way I am blocking a bit of this intensity, trying to keep it in check, but I hope I am not cruel.

posted April 20, 2013 12:47 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by mir:
Thank you Indigo. A pretty exceptional case

Btw, yess to the quindecile!

Our close Composite Sun/Venus/Juno/Pluto stellium is *quindecile* Composite MARS!

And not only that, the midpoint of that quindecile is our Composite MOON!

Lol, becoming familiar with those quindeciles opened a whole new world.
To not even talk about them in synastry, as if all pieces of the puzzle fell at its place suddenly.

Him;
Venus quindecile SN

Me;
Venus quindecile NN

Us;
- Venus quindecile Venus
- NN quindecile SN (and vice versa ofcourse)

(all within 1 degr.)

To name a remarkable part of the puzzle

---

Wow, mir! I would love to see your composite! Have you got it linked up anywhere?

posted April 22, 2013 10:53 AM            

quote:

---

(all within 1 degr.)

---

It could be less spectacular than I may have shown, the orb was only meant for the natal/synastry quindeciles

posted April 22, 2013 11:23 AM            

Recently when I was on a trip and looking at my surroundings and the people (keeping my energy directed externally, instead like usually internally), I was seeing all these people cross my way and thought with that sense of childlike wonder: "Wow! So many unwritten stories waiting to be told!"
LOL

posted April 24, 2013 01:57 AM            

And, Ceri, I'm so grateful for -your- mental scrawlings. At times, it gets me out of my own head, and at others, puts me back into it - right in touch with my heart. You can't imagine how grateful I am for that. And! Yes. My SNode is less than a degree within exact of your Moon, if my calc is correct. Who's surprised? Not me. It makes a lovely Grand Trine with my Sun and Psyche, too. Also - not surprised!

And, for a full update ... there's been a lot of changes. Ones that I made. He did call, I ... didn't answer. He called again today, too. Less than a week. I ... didn't answer.

In part, it frustrates my husband. He's a Cancer Venus-Merc (with a Gemini Sun only to keep you guessing - honestly!) trine a Scorpio Psyche square Leo Eros. His Psyche is - of course - on my Eros. So, he's very attention-starved and emotionally needy. It can be wonderful ... on those occasions I'm feeling expressive. Otherwise, he just needs me ... ALL the time. He's a pragmatist, too. He's known how complicated and stupid everything got, and he doesn't like to see me waste my time. So there's also that.

So, on top of my not knowing how the hell to deal with it - I just don't answer. I'm taking some time.

I've also got some 'new' synastry / composite to look into. I've been curious about this one for awhile. It's still one of those very clearly karmic things (down to powerful ethereal experiences and psychic bonding, shared dreaming, all that) but exactly what has always gotten me.

I think what actually gets me most is how logical it would be that he's my twin soul. SO logical. Like how logical it was for me to marry my husband. But the reality is, I've always felt he's a companion, and specifically here now, so that we can tell -our- story ... before too much time gets away from us.

I, too, feel that life is unfolding stories, and I love being in a position to tell so many.

posted April 24, 2013 03:07 PM            

". My SNode is less than a degree within exact of your Moon, if my calc is correct."
Wow,t hat is close.
I once had that with a guy, and even though he was 12 years older, I always had a bit of a motherly feeling for him. Or at least that of a family connection.
You will very familiar as well.

" Less than a week. I ... didn't answer."
Why didnīt you?

"His Psyche is - of course - on my Eros."
Do you relate to it?

"I think what actually gets me most is how logical it would be that he's my twin soul. "
Forget logic.
Your soul knows.

however, as I have found, your soul will only let your mind know about it, if you are really ready for the realization.

posted April 25, 2013 05:06 PM            

Why didnīt you [answer]?

At this point, I could teach a course on the subject. It's many things: too hard, still sad, still angry, so much we're not saying which makes any kind of communication that isn't solely work-related actually very difficult. We've gone from being unable to stop communicating until we're falling asleep, batteries are dying, or destinations are reached when en route - to uncomfortable bleeding silences. You know the kind; it pours forth from an open wound.

The worst thing of all is ... how little I feel about it now. I panic to lose him, but I'm bound to avoid him. It's a horrible place of which nothing good can come - and I'm stuck here. For now.

Do you relate to [your husband's Psyche on your Eros]?

That's really complicated. Short answer, no, long answer, yes. It may've seemed I married whimsically, but I actually did so very pragmatically. We share a deep and profound love. He craves to surrender to strong female power, and, so long as I'm square with my own, it's a very engaging experience.

Of course, despite this being my usual tone, you'll notice I'm not waxing poetic about waltz rhythms and crackling fires and dancing on air. That appears to be more of his experience. In the proper circumstances, it's an extremely heady and even cathartic experience.

I'm ... envious. I try very, very hard not to be - yet, I am.

His last girlfriend (with whom I'm good friends) has expressed this sentiment powerfully, and not just in regards to her surmising as to why their relationship failed. She bemoans that she was never really given the chance to 'be the girl'. As he so deeply longs to surrender to his lover, a complication I often see in dominant-submissive relationships emerges. Should all stay just those dynamics - all is well. But the very nature of the word belies change.

So, most submissive men, like my husband, tend to find dominant women - as I was - who are so inclined out of fear and unresolved anger. When I healed my rage and insecurity ... I wanted to be the girl again. And he wasn't looking to surrender his position as receptive partner ANY time soon.

Enter Jack.

To be honest, he took me by total storm. It was rather daunting. I began to question who I was, what I wanted - if I really was this purely dominant figure ... because I WANTED, for perhaps the first time since Fate, to really surrender. To be taken over, swept up into something over which I had no control. That's CRAZY for me. (And this was before a performance where we played the Phantom and Christine. Good, God.)

The long story short ... discovering Eros and Psyche really made a lot click. That square / parallel between his Eros and my Psyche gave me an understanding of what my husband (then fiancé) must feel. And, WOW. At that point - it changed everything. I discovered a side of myself that just hadn't existed prior outside of fits and starts. I finally came to understand what had been missing from my character, too. (I was playing Riley in the audio drama series which we're now adapting to TV.) That's the kind of overwhelming, yet so understated - Stokerian - seduction she's experiencing on a constant basis with Fauste. I'd no idea it was a part of me, too. Up to that point, I thought I was just somehow different from everyone else.

Didn't exactly end well, though. Not at all. Now I think I access those feelings through her in order to deepen and texture my performance and her characterisation. But I can't access them directly anymore. It was just too overwhelming.

See, I never push when it comes to these things. EVER. I don't chase - I am pursued. This way, there's zero room for error. (Least then I know they're lying - like Fate, as a prime example. Lying, in denial, hatefully rejecting.) I don't stick around after rejection. If it's circumstantial, I'll try to salvage what can remain. (Jack and I had tried that with very little success.) But if it's a blatant, cruel, spiteful rejection - I can't remain. That's why it's been SO impossible with Fate. I wanted to maintain a civil professionalism for the sake of the show - but it hurt too damned much.

I actually did stick around after Jack expressed his inability to continue a relationship. (Long story there, too.) I'd seen it coming, though. The following weeks were like pages torn right from the script: civility disintegrating into angry emotional displays and resentful arguing. Rinse, repeat.

I blame the fact he touched such a deep, hidden, vulnerable part of my psyche and soul for the fact I behaved so uncharacteristically. Raging against his decision. Actual, literal pleading that he reconsider. Things I just DON'T do.

It wasn't to any avail, and things wouldn't change until almost 6 months later (it'd always been intermittent for me: passion flaring to just quiet contentment - and back again) when I gave the simple ultimatum - not out of spite, either - that I would not be able to have any contact with him further if we were to continue at this civil distance. He responded that from that point onward, the subject would only be reopened upon his decision to marry (not date, mind, but marry - if that gives any indication). Otherwise, the decision of what nature our relationship took would remain in my hands. And that's where it's stayed.

I didn't even consider 'going back there' until a few weeks ago, during that read-through. (Arguably, a week before that, on a purely social visit.) But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I can't access those feelings, though. Not THOSE feelings. Not the swept away, surrendering, taken over blissful seduction experience. It's like that part of me just died during the moment I realised that this depression would be second only to losing Fate. (And that's an accurate assessment.) I didn't have the time for that kind of spacey, dead-eyed, joyless, 'not really here' melancholia. So, I severed whatever tie I had to that part of me, and ... it's been that way since.

posted April 26, 2013 01:39 PM            

"(for which I often feel I'm on a scavenger hunt!)"
Me, too. Even IQ once commented on it, that it looks like I am gathering up all my soulfamily members together. lol

"It's a horrible place of which nothing good can come - and I'm stuck here. For now."

it is a bad place to be at, but well you will feel when it is time to leave that place again.
(I spent too long in that cave. or a similiar cave, but that is just how it was. and obviously I needed 20 frigging years to arriver at where I am now. lol)

"I'm ... envious. I try very, very hard not"
Envious that he gets this serenade-feeling around you and you don`t share it?

"I wanted to be the girl again. And he wasn't looking to surrender his position as receptive partner ANY time soon."
Yes, that is a problem. It doesn`t fit. It fits as long as both are satisfied with the role reversal, but then if you change into Yin mode, you suddenly have Yin-Yin, and whil this can be very emotional and close, it is simply not the magnetism of Yin-Yang.

"To be honest, he took me by total storm. "

Like a hurricane sweeping over your life and then nothing is where or how it used to be?Everything turned on its head?

" because I WANTED, for perhaps the first time since Fate, to really surrender. To be taken over, swept up into something over which I had no control. That's CRAZY for me. "
Yes, for me, too.
I don`t consider myself dominant, but mainly mentally oriented and definitely not your typcial feminine. I guess it comes from having so many planets in masculine sign. As amatter of fact only my Venus is in a Yin sign and well, Capricorn, is not typical feminine either. And my chartruler is in Pisces.
But Sun, Mercury, Mars, aSC in Sag and Moon in Aquarius.

("And this was before a performance where we played the Phantom and Christine. Good, God.)"
You performed "the point of no return" with him?
There can be no going back from that one anymore. Just kidding, well, semi-kidding at least.
But seriously, this song is so, so, intense, seductive, compelling.

"And, WOW. At that point - it changed everything. I discovered a side of myself that just hadn't existed prior outside of fits and starts. "
Ys, I can understand that.

I think I must be experiencing something similiar, when I had that sudden realization and identification with being a woman, just because of the way he looked at me. It was a bit startling actually.

And yet, it doesn`t seem to make astrological sense.
After all it is his Moon conjunct my Sun, and his Venus on the antiscion of my Mars, and his Psyche contraparallel my Cupido.
Why do I see him in such a masculine way?

Well, as Mir once pointed out his helio Mars is very tightly contralatitude my helio Venus.

As I just checked, hsi helio Mars is also quindecile my helio Venus (orb is just under one degree).
and of course his helio Pluto is square my helio Venus exact as well.

his helio Eros is contrascion my helio Psyche.

Also his natal Mars is opposite my Duad Venus, and his Duad Mars is in the same sign as my natal Venus.

Howevr, these are not the things astrologers would check for first.
Can they really be that strong? That obvious?
It does seem like the helios are really to be taken into serious consideration (I am still in the trial phase).

As a matter of fact, our Psyches are also conjunct in helio, which makes helio composite Psyche fall onto 13°38 Pisces.
Last time I saw him, and I can say I felt a definite shift in the spiritual, at least in MY perspective, clarity and awareness, transiting helio EROS was on 15.11 Pisces, conjunct both our PSYCHES (closer to his as a matter of fact) and of course the composite Psyche.

It is almost eery, but it seemed to reflect the time we first met.
On the same degree, from 12-14 Pisces, back then there was a transiting Siva-Parvati-conjunction, and our progressed composite ASC and Kaali fell there. Along with his own pr PARVATI on 13 Pisces.

Additionally and that is the mirroring effect, Tr PSYCHE on 15 Scorpio was opposite composite EROS on 14 Taurus.
And now it was Tr helio EROS conjunct helio composite PSYCHE.

We also are just approaching an exact sextile of pr Psyche and pr Eros in the helio composite.

Just makes me wonder how far reaching ARE The connections in helio really?

" Up to that point, I thought I was just somehow different from everyone else. "
That was what I thought as well about myself.

But more so, just a few weeks prior to meeting him, I had practically given up on love, relationships, whatever. I figured it was just not for me in this life. Didn`t mean my life was empty, I can play the role of sister, daughter, friend, teacher, whatever.
Just, falling in love and experiencing attraction on a level as I would need to, was just something that wouldnīt happen, for all sort of reasons, it just wouldn`t be a part of my life and it was time I realized that. Which I did, and closed the book so to speak.

And then I met him. *shaking head* NOTHING in the world could ever have prepared me to that kind of impact.
To that hurricane.

Though even years after that I would go on telling people that it was just a gentle breeze, when I could hardly stand upright in the wind. LOL

It seemed safer to pretend it was just a gentle breeze, easy to control. But somehow it didnīt make the storm less raging. lol

"I actually did stick around after Jack expressed his inability to continue a relationship."
It must have been so painful. I can understand why you can`t access these feelings anymore.
I guess it is a bit of an inbuilt selfdefense system, maybe not even conscious, but as I said, if something goes wrong with an IC-soulmate, they might feel as they have the key to your utter destruction, and the soulīs survival instinct kicks in and does what it can to, well, survive.
In my case it meant I put myself into a cryogenic sleep emotionally many many moons and suns ago.

"It's like that part of me just died during the moment I realised that this depression would be second only to losing Fate"
It didn`t die. It hid away, licking the wounds, looking for a survival kit.
But you have accessed these feelings once, it may take some time to heal, and maybe it will not be with Jack or Fata, but one day they will burst open again. As I am learning, some things just cannot be contained forever.

posted April 27, 2013 11:33 PM            

Yin-Yin can be very emotional and close, it is simply not the magnetism of Yin-Yang.

Bang. On. It breaks my heart, too. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to get from this. The circumstances were never right to be with Fate in any traditional sense - neither of us are going to take apart our lives for what we both feel is a selfish, emotional venture. Neither of us really pride emotion very much ... or at all. I've been called Ms Spock for this reason more than once. We're essentially in the game of who can appear to care less - which I think I've said before, but no matter. As my husband puts it - what's the prize for that? To you get to the after-life - or what have you (as he's atheist, we're agnostic) and get something for going through your life so logically and never taking a chance? I can't say it's particularly motivating, though. What we don't say just continues to trounce what we do to where it feels like we can't say anything. I've been about as honest with him as I can: I care, he's important to me, and I think I've said I miss him a few times in email during moments of utter desperation after months of holding it in. It's possible I could be more honest about my actual feelings to him directly in person, but that feels very limited to when he'd be here for shooting, which is postponed indefinitely.

******* IT WHY ARE WE ON THAT SUBJECT AGAIN? How does that HAPPEN?

Augh. Anyhow. Fate had felt like everything I wanted. Somehow, ticked all the boxes. I didn't think that were possible, and I wasn't sure how to handle it, so, I made him make it abundantly clear to me how he felt. And he did. And so I was receptive. And then the deception ruined any chance of anything real, and by the time it was cleared, I was married. Though he claims that has nothing to do with it. Just that we're too close and it would never be casual, and the option isn't available to us.

I want someone else to make me feel like that. It comes close with J. It gets dreamy-feeling, and I'm beside myself, and I can FEEL the balance. The Yang. I'm hoping I'm just hurt from the last go-round (really, the first time we were involved) and have suppressed my emotions. It seems, from what I'd written during that period, it was intense, and I was discovering a whole other side of myself. But the fact I can discuss it so clinically, except for moments I go suddenly poetic, is ... jarring to me. Thoughts of Fate simply saying he misses me - reaching a point of such desperation that he can't hold it back any longer, regardless of pride or fear or anger with me - brings me absolutely to tears. Any piece of such honesty from him - hearing his soul speak again - suddenly breaks apart everything I have holding whatever in me, and I just can't - there's no physical act that could make me feel as if I'm close enough to him.

I've never felt that before or since him. With anyone else. Period.

But it's not to be, so I remind myself I'm wasting my time and not letting my heart heal by holding on to something I shouldn't. So, I don't answer. I don't write. I desperately try not to think of him. And I force myself to let it go.

I believe things have changed with J because he listened. He stuck around. He's trying. He's been patient in the background. I have a genuine love for him, great respect, and I trust him explicitly. With my life, in fact. The thought of him lying to or betraying me is somehow unimaginable. He's proven himself thrice over.

In the past, before we came to the understanding, he was hiding, withdrawing, and holding himself back, too. But he was never cruel; never hateful. He was sad, doing all he could, and his best to justify his decision. But things didn't improve - they only worsened - and when I re-approached him with the ultimatum - that was the end of it. I believe him, too. It's a large part of why I trust him so completely.

He makes me feel wonderful about himself. There are moments of pure bliss and headiness. I can lose myself in it. But it isn't unbidden or constant. It's a kind of choice - from which the rest takes hold. With Fate, it feels I have no choice. My emotions take over before I know what to do, and I must stop them.

While J's withdrawing hurt me VERY deeply, I also feel most of it was due to how he changed because of it. Slowly, over time, his 'returning to himself', really expressing his emotions and being transparent with me - has brought back the man I not only loved, but felt a powerful attraction to. He has certain facets of his nature which are just so composed, eloquent and unbelievably sexy.

... mainly mentally oriented and definitely not your typcial feminine.

Exactly. I am exactly the same way. Hence, the 'Spockness' of which I'm 'accused'. Heh.

You performed "the point of no return" with him?
There can be no going back from that one anymore. Just kidding, well, semi-kidding at least.
But seriously, this song is so, so, intense, seductive, compelling.

In more ways than one. Heh. No, I agree with you entirely. It IS. The whole role is. So many of those elements are in Fauste, so Erik is naturally fun to play around with. We've done the theme, and the scene before it, ('The Mirror') and 'PONR', two separate occasions. He can slip into that role like a glove. What REALLY got me was how easily I could find myself in Christine. She'd always struck me as SO over-emotional and this über dramatic damsel in distress. Augh! No thank you. But the whole story recaptured my attention when we started running through scenes in HA to record a demo. (The musical number we perform as part of the series is 'Possession' by Sarah McLachlan - a rearranged duet. THAT is powerful. He's a baritone and I'm colouratura soprano, so, it works oddly well.) So, we started working with scenes from Phantom on a lark ... and found we were surprisingly good at them.

I think I must be experiencing something similiar, when I had that sudden realization and identification with being a woman, just because of the way he looked at me. It was a bit startling actually.

Yes! Exactly! Augh, I used to leave the room (when we were in a group, of course!) and berate myself in the bathroom, demanding my reflection get it together! I was just SO unprepared for that. With Fate, it was so split due to the feeling of having two different relationships with practically two different people. One was my writing partner and best friend, the other this sexy comedian I had a minor celebrity crush on. (Oh, how the tables have turned now that I'M the one in Hollywood.) With J, it was constant. He has this strange way of saying absolutely nothing, and just his stare says EVERYTHING. Fate is more casual and subtle with sporadic ardent flirtatious. J is just ... it's THERE. Right under the surface. Constantly. He can regulate it, though. And, man, when it's ON, it is ON.

And yet, it doesn`t seem to make astrological sense.
After all it is his Moon conjunct my Sun, and his Venus on the antiscion of my Mars, and his Psyche contraparallel my Cupido. Why do I see him in such a masculine way?

I completely get that. On the one hand, J is positively but quietly adoring of me. It's the fact his adoration has this absolutely smouldering eroticism to it. (Aries Moon-Eros much?) I've noticed Aries Eros is NOT subtle. So, combined with his Cancer Sun, and jovial Sag rising - it's like you'd miss it entirely. But it's like a laser when you're the target. You can't miss that. And the whole nature of it is provocative and projective. Very masculine.

It's very strange. With Fate, I loved how fast he would come at me, with rapid fire witty innuendo and my inability to feel like anything but an actively pursued woman. It's very Mars-Venus. She knows what's up, and she's eagerly playing the game, fully invested but coy and seductive.

With J it's more Pluto ... something. Maybe Pluto and my Venus, because SHE's content to quietly read by herself in my dark, otherwise empty 12H. She's Riley, I'll fully admit. I guess it's not surprising that J had such an effect upon me, much like Fauste startled the hell out of her - because she got SO deeply to him, and NOBODY DOES THAT. It's much the same with J. HE's been equally taken by storm, floored at how anyone could have this effect upon him. So, it feels like Pluto something.

Well, as Mir once pointed out his helio Mars is very tightly contralatitude my helio Venus.

Contrawhatsit? You're making up words, woman.

As I just checked, hsi helio Mars is also quindecile my helio Venus (orb is just under one degree).
and of course his helio Pluto is square my helio Venus exact as well.

Now THAT'll do it. I've only ever had that with one man - Fate - and, good God. You already know.

his helio Eros is contrascion my helio Psyche.

I'd imagine that'd do it, too. Since you're dealing with shadow selves and the like? Wouldn't it be very soulful and transformative?

Also his natal Mars is opposite my Duad Venus, and his Duad Mars is in the same sign as my natal Venus.

Okay, point of clarification. When I use dwads, they're simply signs of degrees. For example, Fate's Psyche is in the Scorpio dwad; my Psyche dwad AND decanate - is Aquarius. Which made TOTAL sense to me, of course.

But what do you mean planet opposite dwad-planet? How does that work out? Is it like, for example, his Mars is in Virgo - which is opposite your Venus in Capricorn dwad of Pisces? If so, I'd only thought conjunctions really mattered - i.e., his Psyche-dwad conjunct my Eros; my Psyche conjunct his Eros-dwad; my Psyche conjunct his Eros-dwad, his Eros conjunct my Psyche-dwad. Like a powerful affinity which belies a pattern.

However, these are not the things astrologers would check for first. Can they really be that strong? That obvious? It does seem like the helios are really to be taken into serious consideration (I am still in the trial phase).

As a matter of fact, our Psyches are also conjunct in helio, which makes helio composite Psyche fall onto 13°38 Pisces. Last time I saw him, and I can say I felt a definite shift in the spiritual, at least in MY perspective, clarity and awareness, transiting helio EROS was on 15.11 Pisces, conjunct both our PSYCHES (closer to his as a matter of fact) and of course the composite Psyche.

It is almost eery, but it seemed to reflect the time we first met.
On the same degree, from 12-14 Pisces, back then there was a transiting Siva-Parvati-conjunction, and our progressed composite ASC and Kaali fell there. Along with his own pr PARVATI on 13 Pisces.

Additionally and that is the mirroring effect, Tr PSYCHE on 15 Scorpio was opposite composite EROS on 14 Taurus.
And now it was Tr helio EROS conjunct helio composite PSYCHE.

We also are just approaching an exact sextile of pr Psyche and pr Eros in the helio composite.

Just makes me wonder how far reaching ARE The connections in helio really?

I need to look into helio charts more. But I already do a lot with affinities. I believe they can be very felt, depending. You've intrigued me to the point where helio is worth more study.

But more so, just a few weeks prior to meeting him, I had practically given up on love, relationships, whatever. I figured it was just not for me in this life. Didn`t mean my life was empty, I can play the role of sister, daughter, friend, teacher, whatever.
Just, falling in love and experiencing attraction on a level as I would need to, was just something that wouldnīt happen, for all sort of reasons, it just wouldn`t be a part of my life and it was time I realized that. Which I did, and closed the book so to speak.

I feel like I'm there now. I KNOW I wasn't when I met J. Fate came out of absolute NOWHERE. I just had the dream and stumbled upon him the next week. And KNEW. I had no idea WHAT I knew - but I just knew. I knew that if I ever lost him, I'd never be whole. Always searching.

Recently, I've come to accept it. I try not to hold out unnecessary hope. I feel myself retreating back into my intellectual shell - the one I've helped J out of. That I'll be fine, I just won't experience that all-encompassing love. Not without really fooling myself, or doing all I can to think I'm feeling it. If that makes sense. I'm an actress, after all. I know when something's real, and I can fake it.

And then I met him. *shaking head* NOTHING in the world could ever have prepared me to that kind of impact. To that hurricane.

Though even years after that I would go on telling people that it was just a gentle breeze, when I could hardly stand upright in the wind. LOL

Yeah. I get that. Oh, do I get that. I'll never be the same. That much I know. I'll try, I'll pretend - for others' sake, likely. But I'll never be the same.

I guess it is a bit of an inbuilt self defense system, maybe not even conscious, but as I said, if something goes wrong with an IC-soulmate, they might feel as they have the key to your utter destruction, and the soulīs survival instinct kicks in and does what it can to, well, survive.

I can see that. What's strange is what I went through. Oh, it was deep. But the lasting feeling has been ... was it me? I don't think so. Yes, my soul went through something; his did, too. When we were asked about our relationship - when costars get involved, there's always a question of impetus - and these roles are so deeply personal to us - he was absolutely flabbergasted at how I'd captured him so completely a decade before we'd ever met - what was really going on? Was it me and him? Penderan and Riley? Something else? He'd responded that it was all of the above. Somehow, he fully acknowledged that these roles were an intrinsic, karmic part of us.

I'm sure that's why when I felt as if my life was finally seeing balance, and he couldn't continue, something in me must have snapped. That's the key, though: something IN me.

What gets me about J and myself is that we easily play roles. This is why I call us 'karmic costars'. Whether it's Fiona and Valden, Riley and Fauste, or even The Joker and Harley Quinn, the predominant theme is blatant: woman overtaken by sudden attraction is confronted with difficult parts of herself, integrating elements crucial for development. Not so much in HQ and Joker (though the ones in this project are much darker and more thought-provoking - more akin to Chris Nolan's work) but front and centre in Fiona and Valden - the antagonist in LACHESIS - and, of course, Riley and Fauste - the contagonist and protagonist in HA. A Phantom/Christine meets Lecter/Starling with Alice/Hatter flavour. Quite the psychological cocktail.

Maybe my soul wasn't ready then. Maybe it is now - and that's why I found the original Valden material and rediscovered they had this powerful sexual entanglement which made so much click. And ... then the project fell through.

What gets me is how J changes me. He doesn't do it intentionally - it just HAPPENS. I take greater care in the details of my appearance - though he argues it completely unnecessary; that I'm somehow always 'together' (WHY, I'll never know). I sit up a bit straighter. I don't end my sentences with prepositions. I strive for more elegance in my manner. My natural, but far less expressed, propriety is in overdrive. I'm SO much more ... her. He just brings out the 'Riley' in me.

But with my husband and Fate - I'm just me. With a key difference: with my husband, I'm the dominant me. Independent, take-charge, more masculine - and, I guess - aloof.

And with Fate? Let me illustrate.

We easily slip into our own roles, given the fact we created them - organically. My character suddenly became the assistant to his CEO, and behind the scenes - guess who was doing all the work while he swooped in, ran amazing scenes, and then vanished again - while I handled the details? Ee-yup.

Much like LACHESIS, I technically ran everything, while he was the star. A very wise-cracking, difficult to keep track of, stupidly talented, but very sarcastic and abrasive - star. Finally got to a point last year when I said, 'I'm not really your assistant, you know. I just play one on TV.' He'd said something like, 'uh-huh, sure,' but there was a huge grin in his voice. That's just how we were.

But here's what got me. The man could convince me that he was perfectly entitled to call me to ask what he should order from a new restaurant - because he was in the road, and couldn't 'get to a menu'.

And I DID IT.

Yes! I friggin' did it! Even though I was actually ill that day, damn if I didn't get up, download the menu and Google what the top sites had stated were the best dishes there. Why? Because HE decided to try a new cuisine that day.

What sucks most of all? I loved the fact that he did. That, lame excuse though it may be (and he always had many) he wanted to involve me somehow, and that's how it came about. Hardly an isolated incident, either. He was always contacting me for everything from research to my opinion on something to random observations in his environment.

The dynamic actually reminded me of two other characters - that aren't ours. The reimagining of Tony Stark and Pepper Pots. Likely because their personalities and interpersonal dynamics smack so heavily of Lane and Fiona. So obvious how much they both mean to the other - and neither will say it. Oh, do I know that feeling well.

Point being, nobody had made me feel like that. Even with J, it's a choice. I can be seduced and, oh, man, it's all onward from there. With Fate, it's like there's no choice. The man can make me feel it's a GOOD idea that I'm perpetually 'on call' for him. HOW that's possible - I'll never know.

I just felt so wanted. In his way, yes, but I still felt wanted. Needed. Really needed. In JUST the way I like.

Rather than the way my husband needs me - in this very sexual, very submissive and craving sort of way. I SHOULD like that, and I do - sometimes - but not ALL the time. I never get the chance to be Yin. And his Yang is SO sexual it's overpowering. I'm not even given the choice. The choice matters to me.

J will casually remark, 'I often wonder how you would look serving me tea wearing nothing but a smile.' My husband will just ACT. There are no words - his hands are just suddenly all over me, and as much as I can't get why - I don't like that. It's not enticing to me. Fate, on the other hand ... I can't speak to how I'd react, because he's played it like J, and I used to think I wouldn't mind it if he approached me like my husband does - acting on it in the moment. Maybe because it'd be less frequent? Augh. Hell if I know.

So what gets me about all of it is that I feel I'm playing a role - MY role, an important part of me - with J, and I'm myself with my husband. But with Fate, I get the magnetic pull I have with J - AND I'm me, while also able to slip in and out of roles he brings out in me - which are just facets of me.

With Fate, I'm not pretending. I'm just me. I can do or be or say anything. He gets it. J, I sense is offended by my less proper side. He's relaxing a bit, but I still feel that there are lines I don't cross - and I'm all right with that. He makes me feel like such a triumphant lady. But with Fate - I'm anything. But most of all, me. The fact I've felt the same overpowering attraction - minus the feeling I have a choice in the matter ... just drew me more.

In my case it meant I put myself into a cryogenic sleep emotionally many many moons and suns ago.

Ironically, I feel I might cry. Maybe because I feel your pain (somehow!) and I also feel that's exactly where I'm at now.

It didn`t die. It hid away, licking the wounds, looking for a survival kit. But you have accessed these feelings once, it may take some time to heal, and maybe it will not be with Jack or Fata, but one day they will burst open again. As I am learning, some things just cannot be contained forever.

Fata, huh? Well, damn. Guess you cracked my oh-so-difficult code. And, yes. I think that's why I'm deciding - slowly - that if he should invite it, I'll be receptive. Considering I HAD felt these things before. I can play that role again. I'd even like to.

I think I've given up on ever feeling it as myself, though. The mere thought of it was so intoxicating - the knowledge it would happen - I felt so guilty and ran away from everything. And now it's destroyed.