posted October 29, 2014 01:53 PM            

Anyway, I've never had Venus/Pluto that I know of. Probably Pluto/asc, Pluto/Mars... Me not being Pluto.

Right now, I'm Pluto in (conjunctions)
Pluto/asc (maybe), Pluto sun, Pluto moon, Pluto mercury. Plus Mars sun and moon. Bunch of stuff.
Now, is it me or does it seem like its not always Pluto who is obsessed but the other person?
Kind of been my experience.

Anyway, you know, I often wondered if it was my Venus square Neptune that attracted others or something else. Probably a combo but I'm sure it plays a big role.

3 times here on LL I've attracted people without trying! My wife, which... Well that's debatable.
But one other that some may know of. It caused some drama.
Then another in there where someone got my email and contacted me out of the blue. That one no one knows about. It did cause drama but nothing obvious to others. They probably thought we just didn't like each other but they were in fact extremely jealous of me and Barbie.

posted November 08, 2014 05:28 PM            

"With loved ones, people that I care deeply for. If they upset me, I don't like to fight with them. I would rather disapper, which I do."

To me, this is very evocative of Venus in the 12th. Because there's a lot sensitivity there. You don't "invest" your Venus into the outside world. It's a very private Venus. You're quite selective about who you share it with. So when you do share it with someone else and that person upsets you, the best way to show them that you're upset is to retract and keep it to yourself. It's all too easy and impersonal for you to respond angrily when you have a Gem Moon square a Virgo Mars LOL. It's all too natural and primal to you, that its effect wouldn't be the same for the person you're directing it to and it won't make you feel good because when you love someone, you never want to hurt them. But you do try to show them what your loving them really means by "disappearing". It's classic 12th house stuff/Neptune stuff, especially that your Venus also squares Neptune. Your Venus spends it's whole life in hiding, to bring it back into hiding from someone you love is a very strong statement. Which is why I think you do what you do, bearing in mind that your Venus is in the house of its opposite.

So that's just my weird take on some bits of your chart.

About what you said in the polyamory thread, I can see that through your chart. I think, despite the seriousness and even austerity that you display here sometimes, you are quite a fun person and perhaps even veryyyy nice when dealt with on a one-to-one basis. Just reading your comments on the video thread, especially that it's an older thread, you seemed to express yourself more jovially and comfortably. I feel that you've grown to become extremely semantical and specific and somewhat cold due to some of the arguments you may have had with people on LL. Speaks quite a lot about what you said regarding feeling misunderstood often. I think there's a side to you that, though was once present, has erased itself from appearing on LL when that wasn't necessarily the case to begin with. Clearly, you owe no one anything but you did seem to present yourself differently and more openly. I think it would be nice to see you retain that quality. I know you don't forgive and forget as you remarked but I think it's a shame given the kind of person that I perceive you to be, as I've witnessed from my interactions with you. You and I went off on each other pretty badly and now we're kinda friends (?, if I may call myself that). If I took a similar stance as you did, that probably wouldn't have been the case. I guess, as someone endowed with a sign (Pisces) that opposes many of your planets, I just want to say that a good experience, however big or small, can definitely come out of a bad one. Whoever did you wrong, the best way to deal with it is to forgive but never forget. Move on and let live. There is so much more to you, as a person, than what you're giving off. And I believe you should share that and prove people wrong like you did me

Sorry for the super long post. You get a very pep-talky rant about compassion and forgiveness when you combine Pisces and and Aqua and shove Gemini in between, LOL. If any of what I said is personal to you or you'd rather have edited out. Let me know as soon as you read it. My intention is not at all to put you on the spot but just to give you some sound advice that I think could help resolve the Moon, Mercury, Mars tension (as a Moon trine Mars person).

posted November 09, 2014 10:00 AM            

Well first I guess I'll say thank you!
Just, for even taking all that effort to write such a response.

I'd say.... a small-ish percentage of people know that side of me. (Like in the video - and I actually get even crazier. LOL)
MOST just see a quiet figure gliding through life.
Although, Barbie says that everywhere I go that I carry myself as if I own the place. I had no idea. It's not even intentional. lol

The pluto. Yeah, I've gotten that. At least from people from LL who know Astrology. Through a screen too huh? That's pretty funny! I do definitely play with my words and voice a LOT. That's why here on LL... it just doesn't come out right sometimes. It has no where NEAR the same effect.
You are quite correct about if I'm truly angry.
I'm not a violent person. Only a couple of occasions and those were nothing bad. I didn't hit anyone in the face even. Usually, IF it gets to that, I'll only do what I feel is necessary to defuse whatever situation I'm in. It has to be a desperate decision.
But normally, if I'm REALLY angry and containing it is not an option. Yes, voice and presence. I yell, or at least get very loud I should say. I glare.... intense, very solid eye contact. It's almost like I'm trying to get into their skin, on the inside, and attack. As if I'm projecting this energy into them, not at them.
I try to hide how I'm feeling, but somehow, people seem to know. LOL
I know people like yourself though, who can use their voice to mask it.
Also, yes.... I'm very VERY pleasant to be around for most people. I always try to have fun at work. I like to make people laugh and relax. I'm generous, warm hearted, and I put people at ease. There's even a Sag/Leo moon woman that most people can't stand. But I've found the magic combination to make her a much more pleasant person to be around. I know how to respond to her. IRL... I'm quite a bit different. It's the nature of the beast. I have fun here, but it seems like it's almost a must to be a little cold and ready to fight. It's the key to survival here, it seems to me.

It makes a lot of sense now about what you said about Venus. That's very true. I take things away, I take my heart back, and that's how I speak. Sometimes people call it passive-aggressive. Maybe it technically is. But truth be told, sometimes my words can be extremely hurtful. Especially to those I care very much about. I've been surprised many times by the damage that they've caused and sometimes things just come out. So I really have to be careful there. I haven't yet mastered whether I'm dropping an atombomb or just firing a pistol.... that kind of thing.

Now, to get into the last part.... just about here on LL, myself, my true nature, how I behave here, etc. Having more compassion and forgivness.
It's a deeeeeep topic for me. Very deep. I could really just go on forever about it, honestly.
Where do I start with this....? Plus I'll try not to actually go on forever about it. Haha

LL - Well.... I feel like it's swimming with sharks. Another way to look at it is it feels like conversing with a bunch of anal Virgos. Every piece of everything that is said is analyzed, scrutinized, logged, remembered, brought back up later. Anything that is technically wrong with what is said, exmaple the exact definition of the words that we use. It's all examined closely, criticized, and etc. As a whole, I don't like Virgos. (Strange isn't it?) My very best friend however, is a Virgo, Aqua rising, Gemini Moon. I hate that though, about LL (or any forum, but LL actually seems to be worse IMO). It's just irritating. We don't need correction at every turn do we? Not if we understand each other. IDK... it depends on the specific situation I guess.
About us, you and I. Eh... it happens and I don't why I decided to just forget it and move on, which led to here. I guess I just saw it as kind of a spat and neither did anything TOO disrespectful that I recall. I just have certain lines drawn I guess and nothing you did really struck me as crossing a boundary. Must not have anyway! LOL
As for me, well, my P-moon just moved from Scorpio to Sag on Nov. 1st. That could account for some of my change in behavior perhaps?? How progressed technically works, I know, but how it's felt to the person who has it, still a mystery to me.
A lot of times, forgetting and forgivness. I just don't FEEL it in my heart. It's not there. I could try to pretend, but it would be fake. It's just not in me.
I hate being misunderstood. It happens a lot here. Every time it happens, I go back to read what I wrote. Once in a while, I'll read it and think, "oh, I see how that was misunderstood." I'll go back, apologize, and explain it how I meant it. Recently I explained myself and people did understand it. Then all was good.
What I really hate is if I felt that I was very clear to start with. Then, even after explaining AGAIN, I'm attacked for the same exact thing as the first time. Sometimes I think people just refuse to believe me. They often think that I have some other motive for saying what I say. What's ironic there is that I have this reputation for being aggressive and outspoken, confrontational, yet somehow at the same time I'm either PA and/or not meaning what I say. That just baffles me to no end. Someone who is anything but timid on here. I've actually gone rounds with Randall... am constantly accused of having different meanings that what I say. I don't get that. It seems like just the stupidest thing ever.
Then when I'm accused of those things and attacked. I can't forgive that.
My step-mom, back in May. There was some confusion about the wedding. So she didn't show along with two aunts. That's fine. I kind of didn't want her there to be honest, but I was being polite and trying to make her feel part of the family. She lives on the other side of the state. But to be spiteful, she "Checked in" to alllllll these places near us that day. I really didn't care, I don't. But just the fact that she would DO that. That she would try to, to a member of the family that she's known since I was 3 years old. She would DO that to someone like that? That's cold.
So I wrote a really nasty message to them and haven't had a single thing to do with them since. MY family doesn't do $hit like that. If she's willing to do that, then what kind of person is she? You know? I don't need someone like that to be close to me. She can go sit in her part of the world, and not near me. She sent me a birthday card and a text.... I never responded and I threw the card away. Usually we have a big Christmas together... I'm not going. I'm not even gonig to respond to anything she sends me. She will KNOW... that she screwed up. She will know that I don't play around and that if she EVER gets back into my life... she better cherish it and know not to do things like that. It's unacceptable behavior. No matter how upset I was with her, even now. If it was her wedding day, I wouldn't do that. It's just not right.
Well anyway.... I'm losing my thoughts now. They are mixing together. The biggest thing is when I explain myself and people are STILL unwilling to understand when it can't possibly get any clearer. If I attack someone, the motive is always clear. Like in your thread. I made no attempt to mask what it was about. So why on earth at other times am I accused to beating around the bush? Then I'm attacked for it.
I know what it is.... people voice something and then they are already cocked and loaded, ready to fiercely defend. So if I step in for ANY reason, and don't outright show support of it... BOOM.... I'm attacked for it. That's BS. If I had a problem with that specifically, certainly I would have said so.

posted November 09, 2014 12:50 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by PisceanDream:
I'm glad you let it out. Perhaps that's what you needed. I do have a few things to say but only if you'd like to hear them. After all, this is about you and only you! In any case, I'm happy to hear that you resonate with some of my analysis!

---

You can say whatever you'd like to.

Yourself, society, why the ocean is blue!
...... Polar Bears....
I can take things. I used to live with (not in a relationship with) a Libra with Leo moon. Man, she would flat out tell you anything!
She would tell me, "****, you're being such a ******* ."
I didn't mind it at all. She meant well.

posted November 09, 2014 01:15 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by DeepFreeze:
You can say whatever you'd like to.

Yourself, society, why the ocean is blue!
...... Polar Bears....
I can take things. I used to live with (not in a relationship with) a Libra with Leo moon. Man, she would flat out tell you anything!
She would tell me, "****, you're being such a ******* ."
I didn't mind it at all. She meant well.

So whatever you want to say, anything, let 'er rip! Not that it's going to be anything like what I just mentioned but you know. I just want you to feel comfortable. If it's with good intent, It goes a long way.

---

Great, I feel more comfortable already knowing that you're comfortable yourself with whatever I may say. I shall proceed...

posted November 09, 2014 04:34 PM            

First of all, the first thing I noticed about the way you express yourself is just how much you keep under wraps. You bottle up so much and it's evident in how much you let out. I feel like something that would be therapeutic for you is stream of consciousness writing. I think that would be an excellent method for you to flesh out how you truly feel in the most raw, natural way. This gave it away for me... "Well anyway.... I'm losing my thoughts now. They are mixing together." I guess I want to say that it's okay. Let them mix and muddle and even diffuse into incoherence. My gut tells me you need that. Especially with a Mercury as methodical and clinical as a Virgo one in the house of the unconscious. I think that's a blessing that you have yet to unravel. Perhaps try it out, see if it's your thing. My progressed (regressed actually since it retrograded into Aqua) Mercury is in the 12th and I can tell you I am taking so much advantage of it by probing into myself for hours on end. It's tiring but... Also a relief. Once you tap into your repressed unconscious (subconscious) or even just explore your mind in a meditative state. It's amazing what you can unleash. To give you a little example of this... I had a final where I had to produce a work of art that is an interpretation of another work of art. I was determined to either paint or draw, granted I knew neither. In fact, I was always made fun of (by my own self and others) for how crappy drawing is. I hadn't the skill for it, at all. So I challenged myself and I put my head to it. I tried and tried, I got the hang of drawing a little bit. But the true gem for me was the work of art I was interpreting... It was a minimalist piece by Steve Reich called Music for 18 Musicians. I OD'd on that song. It filled my lungs, my soul, my heart. I would hear it echo everywhere. I could feel it slithering in my veins. It took over me completely. And it inspired me. I have never felt as inspired in my life ever as I did drawing and painting to that piece. Well... I went from who drew like this:

to drawing/painting/using makeup to make this in 2 weeks:

I'm listening to the piece right now actually. I'm struggling to be present at the moment. Pisces drama... LOL.

SO, yes. Sift through the depths of your mind and lay it out. To yourself, to your wife, to a canvas, to a piece of paper, in a sensory deprivation tub... Stream of consciousness seems to fit most with the theme of your Mercury-Moon-Mars. Just as I suspected (I checked right after writing this I SWEAR), Arthur Miller, who shook so many people with Death of a Salesman, a great stream of consciousness piece... What does he have? Moon square Mercury and Mars by sign, and Mercury tightly sq Mars!

Now onto some other stuff...

I do believe you are a warm and friendly guy. Very easy to pick up on those vibes, especially through the video. It's something that you exude rather naturally. Which is why, that coldness, at least having seen you "in the flesh" seems so inauthentic to me. Why dull down when you are quite a bright and vibrant soul? I don't think any level of Virgoic anal retentiveness should have to take that away from you. I've experienced so many times here when people just either shut down my ideas or post some snarky, unfriendly comment either about my threads or something I say. Well, why? Why the f*ck do people do that? I ask myself this question quite often. Like what is up with people here? But I still stay true to myself. I am often way too nice for my own good but if I am who I am and think what I think why should I have to resort to any kind of hostility or defensiveness to teach people a lesson. I've learned that the best way to prove a point is not only to be consistent but to do so unapologetically.

Now *takes deep breath* in my 1st house stellium thread, Barbie did to me exactly what you complain other people have done to you. "Every piece of everything that is said is analyzed, scrutinized, logged, remembered, brought back up later. Anything that is technically wrong with what is said, exmaple the exact definition of the words that we use. It's all examined closely, criticized, and etc." This exactly. This is no jab at her or anything at all but I'm just bringing up the fact that sometimes a problem that seems to come from without is actually coming from within. Maybe she got defensive because of how other people treated her but I would understand if, for example, she did that to someone who went after her. But I'm still relatively new to LL, I had no history with her. You're a protector, no doubt about that. It's in you and obviously, you have no trouble doing that but I guess, please take none of this to heart or negatively, that when you go out to protect or defend someone, rather fiercely, who was wrong it'll backfire on you, even if you weren't a part of it. It becomes a burden you have to carry because you took the side of someone who made a mistake as opposed to trying to neutralize the situation in the fairest way possible. I think so many people here need some etiquette lessons, no doubt about that. But it's always most productive to start with oneself. I'd have to tie this all in to the Moon-Mars-Mercury tension that has so much to do also with your karmic balance. Now whether you're okay with carrying this burden is one thing but it's bound to instill within you negative feelings. It's not comfortable. It's not something anyone should have to deal with. The best thing to do is just stay out of drama when you see it because, when you don't, you feel like you said you do... As though you were in a shark tank.

The forgiveness issue doesn't always have to feel natural. Being forgiving is not an easy characteristic to cultivate. It requires time and patience and understanding and most importantly, good intent. If you want to forgive, don't let the idea of you not feeling it stop you or make you think that the attempt is futile. You have to try for a change. There's so much peace that comes with it and so much ease of mind. What your step-mom and aunts did was messed up. I would be so f*cking hurt if someone did that to me, I think you taught her a lesson she won't ever forget. But now what, just forever be mad at her? Be the bigger and better person. Forgive her. People are so relentless because they don't know forgiveness. I always say to myself, knowing how flawed I am, that I forgive not only for my own peace, but in the hopes that if I ever find myself so mistaken someone would have the kindness to forgive me. I am conscientious to the tee. The idea of being unforgiven jolts me and haunts me. The thought of having made a mistake or having hurt someone deeply is something I cannot handle. That might not be the case for you, but it might be the case for someone you choose not to forgive. It goes both ways, it really does. You have it in you, everyone does. You just haven't brought it to the forefront. You are too emotionally passionate to be unfeeling towards others, whether negatively or positively.

Always start the change with yourself, don't feed into anyone who goes after. Don't perpetuate any conflict that once existed between you and others in the past. And just be you. Just you! When I said you seemed different, I mean when I was looking at the comments on the video thread. The way you expressed yourself was different, it was filled with energy and life, quite true to the person I saw on the video... But you developed a coldness, as of late it seems, is what I meant to convey. I know LL is not that important that it requires some kind of attitude makeover LOL but it's still a start to your journey in reconciling the tension that you need to resolve within yourself. It's a good place because there's a wide audience and I'm sure that, despite the f*ckery sometimes, I know it's still a community you want to be a part of, otherwise you'd have left.

As for the being misunderstood thing, I feel that is also owing to a 12th house Mercury. To be honest, if you're saying things as clearly as possible and people still want to fault you, then just ignore. There's no more that you can do. Being misunderstood is the worst... It's one of the things that really get me bawling (as fierce as I may seem IRL, I am very delicately sensitive). It feels like absolute sh*t. I know that... But don't let people make of you someone you actually aren't just because you wanna get back at them for trolling you or for breathing down your neck like that. People adapt to changes and if they're mature, they acknowledge and praise them. If, even after you've stopped combating people, they still go on and do this stuff then you know it's alllll them. But so long as you still play their game, you're always gonna be their target. Tbh, it's just a sick game that needs to end.

posted November 10, 2014 09:14 AM            

Anyway, well let's see.
The stream of consciousness really makes sense. There's been a FEW times when that's happened. Once when my dad passed away and everyone was just blown away by my writing. It came from the heart without too much agenda other than to just let what's in... Out. I'm at my best then. The other problem is, there's parts of me that I don't let anyone into, not in depth.

Just use your imagination with mars and Mercury. Mars bring it's things to consciousness. Mercury being the parent of the two, keeping mars in check. I get "intrusive thought". Thoughts that I don't necessarily want. Things associated with mars, so you can imagine that one. lol
Technically, Venus is conjunct also. Very wide.
I have a love story idea or two, and another kind of war/sci-fi story.

I'm glad that you have been able to find that thing that you love, and that ability to get that part of yourself out, via drawing. It's really cool! I think if I were to, it would be highly abstract. (or violent) There's a part of me, very creative that I can't get out. Only through speech. With Gemini Moon, do you always feel like that you NEED stimulation to reach that deeper part of yourself? I do, but not the kind that makes me think, or requires concentration. But I need to drive, have music, walk... I need to be DOING. I need something going on. Meditation like breathing exercises just drive me nuts.

Now, all the other stuff.

First, don't worry about it. I know your intent and it is good.

I agree with you.

The funny thing is, what you see in the video is generally the person that I am. (Particularly to those close to me and/or feel very comfortable around. The me that exists here, almost never exists in real life. One of the reasons that I was so much different, and so much friendlier in that particular thread is the positive responses that I got. Not that I lack confidence, but I felt particularly confident that people understood who I REALLY am. The saw the actual me. It put me in a better light. Strange... I know. It doesn't make sense that a person just wouldn't be that way all the time (online). The fact is, and maybe it's the nature of squares, or just mine. It's EASIER for me to be cold and unforgiving. There's less resistance inside me. Maybe it's that way for everyone. The other thing is, I assign punishment, and then carry it out. It's not passion driven, it's decision driven. I think that's what gives me that coldness. Well, it's partly passion and partly decision. Strange that the two kind of go hand in hand for me. I really don't know how to explain it. As for my step-mom. I could, but not yet. Part of it is, I can further use Christmas to really drive home the severity of what she did. Part of it is, well... she has money, from my dad. My dad had money. We generally got what we asked for and he spent lots of money on us. (other times of the year he was very stingy though). One of my sisters has had a problem with greed. So, I don't want to make up just before Christmas either and make it look like I made up just in time to get some gifts. I really don't care. So, maybe I'll wait. But then, my dad died around Christmas last year, so maybe it'll be a really hard time for her. IDK... I get lost about what to do there. She has plenty of other support too. It's not like she needs ME to be there for her. She'll be alright. She has been so far. BTW, she's a Pisces. Aqua moon, Aries Venus, and Leo Mars.

Anyway, your thread, the 1st house.... I'm going to steer clear of that mostly, but I understand. I don't remember EXACTLY what transpired. I remember I said something that you said that you'll never forget. I couldn't remember what it was, so I did look, back then. But didn't read anything else there. It's not anything that I need reminded of, I mean details. I personally think the details can be just left alone. Sometimes it only serves to revive old tension. But I will say, that you are a sweet person, and a "big" person for letting go, forgiving, and offering to help. I'll just say that I fully understand where you are coming from, and that I am sorry for any hurt, disrespect, embarrassment, or anything that I've caused.

I understand very much the feeling of being the one not forgiven.

There is a Cancer sun, cancer moon... I forget her Venus. Leo Mars. (at work - I forgot that part) We used to be great friends. It fell apart mostly because I sensed that she wasn't the person that she portrayed. I sensed that she was very dodgy (crab moving sideways). She hid things that I thought was just... I didn't see the logic. But I don't like when people begin to come across as untrustworthy. So I let her know exactly how I felt. (As I was saying in other threads, most recently one of yours. I'm very direct.) Well, she was extremely hurt. I felt her response to me was unreasonable. So I kind of kept up my harassment. Then one day, I wrote quite a lengthy apology. I showed it to a couple of close female friends and they loved it. In it, I only asked for peace. I wasn't asking for her to be friend or anything else. Only for peace. Just to be able to be around each other - for work or other people's sake. However, she rejected it. After that point, I moved on. To this day, 2 1/2 years later, she still won't walk anywhere near me and won't look at me. She even doesn't associate with people that she knows that I associate with. It doesn't bother me. It used to, which is why I know the feeling, but it doesn't bother me any more. I wrote her up as a lost cause and unworthy to waste any time on, any thoughts even. She can sit and stew in her own filth. That's not my fault any more because I reached out as much as I could. My effort, was solid, and I did my part. So now, any of this crap, that's on her.

As for recent LL incidents. This is my view, digging deeply.

Can I change my behavior? Sure. It wouldn't be too much to change how I interact here on LL. There's a side of me just waiting really. But I tuck it into the corner and tell it to shut up. LOL So yes, I could. I'm not sure why I don't.

But, I can't bring myself to forgiving. Forgiving them is nearby, but I can't bring myself to do it. And apologizing to them for me is simply out of the question. I still feel that they were much more wrong than I was, and I still feel that they don't understand me - especially what my motives where. I really shouldn't even acknowledge that. Sorry for bringing that up.

You know Barbie has Mercury in 12th too. I know for a fact that people here also have a misconception of who she is. I mean, if we're both so horrible and aggressive, how the heck do we get along so well with each other? That kind of thing, you know? I always throw that out there as food for thought.

Another thing for me, is.... even my humor doesn't get understood here, so I leave it. Being cold or aggressive is the only thing people here DO understand about me. I feel....

IDK. I get confused, if not with my own thoughts then with how to express them, and IF I should express them. I keep a lot to myself.

Well I really liked your message and I will say... you are working on me. You are causing a shift, and inspiring thought. You are making headway, as I see your goal here is to release into LL, the person that you saw in the video, and in that thread. So it's not for nothing.

Anyway, I better get some work done!

posted November 10, 2014 10:34 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by DeepFreeze:
I get up at 5 am. Today I woke up around 4:30. Work at 6:45.
Early bed too! Around 8:30-9.

---

I must applaud you for that. Seriously... I don't wake up later than 9 (as of the past few months) but I can sleep anywhere from 11 - 3 am.

posted November 10, 2014 11:07 AM            

Well I'll let you get to responding whenever you get around to it.
You know, Secretly, I sometimes wonder if I talk about myself too much. Probably the Leo. But, if I do, no one has ever seemed to mind and it and have in fact, been drawn to it. Maybe it's a confidence thing.

posted November 10, 2014 11:24 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by DeepFreeze:
I'm honestly not sure where that came from. lol
It was just in there.

Well I'll let you get to responding whenever you get around to it.
You know, Secretly, I sometimes wonder if I talk about myself too much. Probably the Leo. But, if I do, no one has ever seemed to mind and it and have in fact, been drawn to it. Maybe it's a confidence thing.

I just thought I'd mention it because well... I just felt like it!

---

Well, look at you saying what you feel like that! I always love (and playfully hate) to hear Leos talk and just be. Maybe because my DSC is in Leo though but at the same time, that Aqua Mars is just so baffled by all that self-promoting sass LOL... Also, though I don't know you too well in person (obviously), I don't really think you initiate talk about yourself too much. But I definitely feel that you own the space to talk once you feel it has been safely set up. At least in this context.

posted November 10, 2014 02:44 PM            

To be honest, as someone who often hides so much and tries to be more shallow than I actually am, I think it's absolutely okay to keep some of your depth to yourself. Obviously within reason, and not like myself for example. I need to learn to balance that. But really, I think all that needs to come out will, it's just that the medium of manifestation differs... Whether you see it in one's art, or writing, or dancing or singing or, God forbid, in the form of suicide. Nothing really stays in. Everything reveals itself in one way or another, we just need to manage the how and the when. I'm sorry about your father's passing, it seems to have taken a great toll on you. I think you must have truly honored him by just let yourself speak as though you were entranced by the reverence and love you had for him. Really, that must have been something to remember for yourself and your entire family.

I'm glad that you see how this stream of consciousness style of writing and expression works for someone like you. I know how much Virgos love their reason. They wouldn't give it up for the world... But like I told someone whose Virgo Sun and Mercury is sandwiching a Moon in Pisces, when reason fails... Stop. Stop analyzing. Stop rationalizing. Just stop. And RUN to your Pisces Moon. Let your intuition take over, let it speak to you. He said he knows how to read people, I gave him the chance. At first he kept getting things wrong and I can tell he was thinking too hard about it. I stopped him and told him to try again except to just let it come t him. He did and well, he guessed very specific things about me. I applaud him for that.

You have a similar ability embedded within your energy. Your Virgo planets, while not equipped with the nature to be intuitive, are certainly provided the space to explore intuition and consciousness. And what a position, really! I looked at your chart once again, and well... Your 1st, 7th, 8th, and 9th houses serve the 12th and best of all... Your 12th house serves itself. Soak that in for a few days. Digest what that means to have the functions of all these houses serving the 12th and finally, the 12th doing what it does for its own sake. I take that to be an essential part of your calling. Explore it deeply! Doesn't matter if you get "intrusive thoughts", violent thoughts, dark thoughts. I have them too... (Pluto square Sun and Mercury) Sometimes, I'm ashamed of my mind and where it wanders. But then, at least the things that are not too bad, I write in the form of poetry or tiny short stories. But, yes, see what you have in there. I know you have a lot. I've met some people that have no opinions on anything, that, as much as you try to dig deep, there really isn't much depth. So yeah... What do you think?

Thanks!!! It's a good feeling when you locate a chunk of your soul and lay it out, be it about anything... A song, a person, your life's purpose. It's always rewarding. Hmm, abstract or violent art. I always thought it amazing how abstract art came about and what it means to turn art into abstraction. The object, of such an artistic pursuit, is no longer representation but dissociation. The removal of art from what it seeks to represent. An art in itself... At times, I think I get it and at other times it doesn't resonate with my view of the world. Tell me why you'd think your art would be abstract, what would motivate that (disregarding artistic skill)? Yes, as a Gem Moon, I do need stimulation. Especially with it being in the 5th. I can tolerate having my senses bombarded. You might know very well, that having a Moon this chaotic, we can handle that stimulation and even come to organize it in ways that other people couldn't simply because they aren't equipped with the mental faculty to deal with that kind of mess.

It's interesting that you say being cold and unforgiving comes easier to you. I don't think that's inherently bad, I think it's just one of those things that you can't analyze using a moral value system. So many conditions play into it that coming up with some universal ruling on it would be so unproductive and absurd. I guess I wanna push you to try, especially because you say that it is "nearby". It's not something you up and do, it's something you harvest after putting a f*ck ton of work into. Be at your own pace. You have a Mercurial mind, let it simmer in there. Tear it up, think about it. Pro and con it. Deconstruct it. And see how you feel about it. Go against the resistance, especially because it comes easy to you.

I know you care and whether your assignment of punishment ( you're too much) is passion-driven, decision-driver, or both. It comes from a part of you that cares to punish, that necessitates punishment, that seeks retribution. And to boil it down, that cares about how others view you. Being someone who cares a lot, isn't always meant in the sense that the person is caregiving or kind or whatever. Care, in its essence, is placing value or significance onto a concept. The way we choose to expand it from there on, is our choice... But really, be yourself. Spread your positivity and bear into account that there will always be people who just don't like you for a reason unbeknownst to you or them but that's fine. It's not about how they treat you, it's about how you treat them. There's this lovely quote that I try to live by: "How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours."

About your step-mom... She might not need you because she has a lot of support as you said, but it will definitely life a burden off her shoulders to know that her deceased husband's son cares about her or, at the very least, is on good terms with her. Maybe it matters to her that you're there or not, but there is no way in hell that once (or if) you do decide to make "peace" with her, that she wouldn't be moved by it. The Cancer chick, that right there is a perfect example of having done what you can and not being able to possibly do more. She may not have forgiven you, but you having sought forgiveness and apologized does say something about you. Her not forgiving also definitely says something about her. Analyze that... Really. Part of the reason I push you to forgive is because if you have it in you to seek it then there's no way you don't have it in you to give it.

Start small and take your time with it. As long as you start off with the intent to do so, you should be alright. The taunting thing that you were talking about, projecting your anger into people instead of at them is something that, while speaks of power, it also speaks of a power that is used rather negatively. You know your strength, use it to empower, to lead, to positively enforce things. Walk away from those who do you wrong, make your point and let it go. There are so many people that have done me wrong, that ruining their lives would seem to some people justifiable. But I never do it. Some come back to seek forgiveness, some do so twice! Some don't. And some I could care less if they did ask or did apologize, but I know that, in any case, I will not be unkind and use an opportunity to sabotage or punish them. Life is cruel enough. Everyone's karma is yet to deal with them.

To conclude... Well, thank you for your apology and your compliments. It means a lot, although I must let you know that in my mind I had already let it go and most certainly felt an apology. But still, I cherish hearing kind words. You know that, my Gem Moon buddy! You're right, no need to rehash at all. I have nothing against anyone to be honest. And consider the past buried!

posted November 10, 2014 03:16 PM            

The abstract art.
It MAY be a 12th house thing. The Venus.. and Neptune connection to it. Mercury... all of it. I'm not really sure. You must know more than I do about it.

I've done it before, when I was younger. I would draw evil demon type guys, or just some abstract stuff. I don't like it real messy looking though. I like it to look modern, and I also like eyes. (eyes are the speaker of the soul to me, they hide nothing and tell everything)
To me, it's about expression. I listen to all kinds of electronic music with no words, etc. Usually on the darker sounding spectrum. But I listen to a lot of kinds of music even with lyrics. What I like about the electronic music in particular is that it kind of sets up a mood. But then the rest is up to me. I can imagine whatever I want to. If it's a darker song, I can feel the darkness, but WHAT dark things I feel, or imagine, is totally up to me. I can be free, and let my mind roam. (Or happy songs, energetic songs - I can feel aggressive energy or energy to do good in the world)

With abstract art, that's what it is to me. I don't do it, but I feel that it would be putting a mood, onto canvas/paper. The rest is up to whoever views it. Even the mood doesn't have to be set in stone.
Like... when you draw a face - for example. (Nothing wrong with it! I would do drawings and things like that as well. I enjoy them.) You are confined to some of the general characteristics of what faces look like. Then you modify it's expression a bit, or what have you. I do enjoy that.
With abstract.... IDK. I guess I can't explain it very well. There are no boundaries. You can make shapes.... lines... whatever you want.
My imagination is a little crazy though. LOL I would enjoy making faces that look like they are melting, or lifting off. That sort of thing. Maybe sometime if I get on my own computer I'll show you something that I saw that I like. It's evil, but... awesome.
Anyway... I probably didn't make much sense. I don't know how to make sense of it! LOL

Just kind of that whole streaming consciousness thing I guess... But on 12th house drugs or something. Though I actually hate drugs and not fond of too much drinking... Alcohol once in a while.

Oooooooo....I got your name!

Mine is Tony.

posted November 10, 2014 03:48 PM            

Yes! You are so right. Neptune hitting Venus. Neptune being removed from the material world seeks to represent itself according to its own laws. Amazing! I was just looking at Malevich's chart, an abstract artist. Pisces Sun with Neptune trining the Moon and Venus conjunct Uranus! HOW WONDERFUL! Especially that he may be considered one of the pioneers of abstract art. Venus on Uranus explaining the novelty in art, Neptune and Moon suggesting an attunement outside of the tangible world. His most dominant plant is Neptune! So thrilled.

I can't believe you like EDM! You are talking to Queen EDM right here. I went to a 10 hour house concert once. It was the best f*cking thing I've ever done. I dissolve when it comes to EDM. I resonate perfectly with what you said about placing your own words and interpretation into sound. It's truly wonderful be a part of the art by having the space to fill it with what you feel and think.

I like your conception of art, you have clarified to me much more than you think you did. Yeah, definitely share some of those paintings/drawings. I appreciate dark art. And heavy trance as well.

YOU'RE MY HOMIE!

posted November 10, 2014 04:14 PM            

Yep! I listen to a great deal. Lately, it hasn't been EDM but if I had to pick one for the rest of my life, that's it. It speaks to my soul.

So like, my dad. Well, I do my best to not let death bother me. He fell, I think due to an unintentional abuse of his prescriptions. He was a bit careless with them. So he fell and hit his head. He was basically brain-dead from that point on. A week later, we pulled the life support. So, the day he fell, that sucked. Then I was alright. Then we did that, and he passed. That day sucked too. Then I was alright again. By alright, I mean... it doesn't haunt me. I miss him, and it hurts, but it's by no means overwhelming. It's strange sometimes to think that I can't pick up the phone and call him.
But you know, it's a part of life. For all of us. Regardless of anyone's religious beliefs, or lack of, time is limited. Even if reincarnation is to be believed, THIS life, is still limited all the same. The death of it yet to be faced.
The thing about my dad is, he didn't waste his life. He (a Sag with Cancer moon) was always on the go. He chased what he wanted to go after. Now, he had money and that helps. But still... he didn't waste away in his chair. Heck, he'd get out of the hospital after open heart surgery and take off. He wasn't wasting a moment. It's hard not to appreciate, and feel comfort that he didn't miss out on things.
Strangely, that's part of my own motivation for not sitting along the side of life, crying over anything, including his passing. I don't want to spend much time at all, in that state. I have my own life to live and it's not going to live itself. My dad was one to be that way actually. I found it strange that he seemed hardly upset at the passing of his own mother. But now it makes sense.
Don't spend so much time in the dark side of emotion. Just take advantage of that time that is available. You may have it for only a day longer, or 50 years. It's hard to say. But I hate to look back at last week, and have a regret about it. Or to think that I spent it, in a dark place. I've done that enough, being suicidal and stuff. There's no time for that now. There's no sense. Having lost relationships, and been cheated on. I realized, life stops for nothing, and no one. Being without someone, or if you lose your car in an accident. Tomorrow is still coming whether you're ready for it or not, so be ready.

Funny, that I can have that attitude, yet be a very unforgiving person. But it's like I said, it comes natural to me to be that way and doesn't bother me that much. Maybe that attitude assists with me being that way, thinking that my life is the one that matters to me. But then a life spent making other lives better, is not a wasted life now is it. So maybe I need to rethink that.

Anyway, time to really go!