posted November 11, 2014 06:42 AM            

You see that something happened in your thread. Eh... That probably won't have a solution so oh well. It is what it is. I don't see that ever going somewhere. I think peace is a lost cause. Well, maybe not peace but kind of like a cold war.

Here, well it's just fun to "meet new people". You know? It's fun.

So, I thought about the art that I posted (and yours). So... I never thought very much about it. I just thought it was some cool dark stuff. But looking at it. I guess it's like they say... Anger and depression are cousins. Or, come from the same place. That type of thing. If you look at things from a different angle, you can see the pain inside those who are angry. The same problem expressed two different ways. Anything like that.
Yours, I'm not sure but it's something like.... have a balance of introspection and eyes on the world. An imbalance is unhealthy. Or something like that. I don't know if that's anything like you intended or maybe you just went with it. That's just what came to me after I thought about it.

I thought about all my 12th house stuff too. I mean, with 1, 7, 8, and 9 all serving the 12th. Well, and even itself. Even with Virgo there. I might be way off base. Hahaha
But I was thinking...Maybe I'm supposed to dissect and make sense of the 12th. To be it, live it, and finally to bring it to the world around me. Maybe to present the world (if only my small world) thoughts, ideas, attitudes, outlooks, etc etc that are beyond what is etched into our brains from birth or what we see with our eyes.
I'm not sure. That's just some crap I thought of. Haha But the basic idea about the function of my chart made me think that... About bringing the 12th, out.

posted November 11, 2014 09:24 AM            

Firstly....

I find it strange, that if I say or do something.... extremely "plutonic" or.. maybe scorpio-like. Maybe it's not even that. Most people get extremely freaked out. I don't know if it's ME in particular that does this. As in, do I give off an aura or a vibe that is a bit scary. Or if it's THEM and they are already on edge. Perhaps a little of both. It's something that I feel like I want to probe into, but I can't. And I'm fully aware myself, that information that I share here, in this thread, is open for anyone worldwide to see. But, you've provided an envirnment that I feel safe and comfortable in.
Even if you disagree with me, I KNOW that you will almost certainly be respectful, at least. Good intent.

Now, to talk about something, pertaining to Christianity, and it's NOTHING of the sort of pushing it out onto you, or anything. You'll just have to trust me on that, before you start reading on. In fact, my only motivation for even writing ANY of this, is just to have you, (or anyone else who's spying) to have some understanding about my view. I think part of the reason that I am often so misunderstood, or that my actions are so misunderstood, is that the things that drive them are so much deeper than people realize. My mind ventures everywhere, all the time. It has multiple, very complex thoughts all running together simultaneously, in merely seconds. So even when big fights break out, I can't possibly explain everything. I have to just let it go, or continue the fight, and try to get by with tiny, half-assed explanations. I can't possibly run around spewing my lengthy thoughts all over the place. Who's going to read it all? How much time do I really have to be doing it all the time? And what other misunderstanding and fights would it cause? Bah...
Anyway, here's some thoughts of mine. That I'm just spewing out there. That some may strongly disagree with... rather that some WILL strongly disagree with. But I mean no harm whatsoever.
When it comes to religion. Well.... I have ALL KINDS of thoughts about death, and etc etc. Lots and lots of thoughts... more than humanly possible to begin to get out.
But here's why I get so worked up when I'm lumped in with so many radical, annoying Christians. They annoy me also, in fact.
IF.... one is to believe in Christianity.
I think one of the reasons people hate it so much is just because of pushy Christians..? No? People are all strung up so tightly it's sickening. Now, MY particular take on it. Is those "crazy" christians... it's not necessary for them to do that anyway. If they would stop and think. The whole idea, in my personal view, was to "spread the word of God". Because, back in it's beginings. It was the fact that people didn't even KNOW about it. If you don't know, you don't have that opportunity to accept it, or deny it. To me it was all about knowledge, and opportunity. Well as I see it, there's hardly a soul that doesn't know at least that it exists. Everyone has that opportunity. There's no reason to go around shoving it down peoples throats. If they don't want it, they don't want it. They've chose that. Further persistance only serves to annoy and push away. So I don't even believe in doing that. If someone wants to pursue it, they can. But I will not, and HAVE not pushed it onto anyone. I actually DISAGREE with that mindset, to push it out, and tell people that they're going to hell or whatever. Bah... I just don't like it. It's not even for me to determine. None of it is.
So the mere fact that anyone would lump me in together with those Christians that annoy even me, upsets me. And THAT'S why, I get annoyed. How does anyone know if I see myself as above others? No one knows, and I hate having my own feelings and thoughts pinned on my when they're in fact not even my own. I can think for myself. I absolutely HATE my thoughts, feelings, motivations, and beliefs to be assumed, decided for me. If asked, I reveal. I hide nothing, and I pull no punches. It's the same way I've approached my personal relationshps. Because if someone is going to like me or hate me, they are going to like me or hate me for ME, not who they think I might be, or could be, or whatever. At least then I know it's real, and love or hate, I can live with THAT. But being misunderstood, or words put in my mouth, and just all things related to that... I haaaaaate it. A viscious response is guaranteed.

You don't even have to respond to this. Don't feel like you need to. You CAN, certainly. The entire intent of me saying it is not even so that you personally understand where I'm coming from, but to just vent this out. To get it out, somewhere.... and perhaps that some who spy in, may actually understand me a little more. My whole intent of this was not to push relgion onto others. That's an individual decision, but to give understanding as to why I get upset and so defensive when I'm lumped in with the radicals. The same as Islamists (Did I spell that right?? LOL) must feel if the Western world lumps them in with the radicals over there.

And in that whole fiasco that occurred here... was I wrong for my initial attack? Yeah, sure. I can admit that, but I don't apologize. Sometimes I do wrong things with deliberate intent. It's what followed that I had such a problem with.
You know? That's all that I'm saying.
Anyway, feel free to say nothing, or just to say that it makes sense and you understand, or to write up a full reply. That's all up to you. I just feel better getting it out there.

I'll leave you be, to respond to whatever you feel like. What I wrote yesterday about my attitude towards life and death, what I wrote earlier this morning, or what I wrote here, or all three. Whatever...

To me, this has become a completely open conversation. The floor is yours to say anything that you want. The only rules are really to just be respectful. To talk to each other the way that you would a dear friend or something you know? Otherwise, you can reply to what you want, with what you want, or leave things alone.
If you want to throw astrology into it some more, great! Or to say, "I think you're wrong." Or "food for thought".
It's all yours. Respect and kindness... a willingness to understand, are the only "rules" that I really demand. But I think you knew that already.
(Can you intuit that I'm trying to make you comfortable?? LOL)

posted November 11, 2014 11:00 AM            

Interesting take on the drawing. Depression on one side and anger on the other. I would even say fear on one side and capacity to instill fear on the other. I love the metaphor of the hands aggressively coming out of the eyes. Very true of anger, because one does not "see" anything when they are angry. Their vision is veiled with a force that's ready to charge and explode.

My painting is an interpretation of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLckHHc25ww

Before you think it's a good idea to listen to it, it's about 54 minutes long. My mom was driven crazy by how many times I've played this on loop hahaha! Who listens to a 54 minute piece 4 times in a row?! (Me...Sigh...) It's too beautiful. The likes of Steve Reich and Philip Glass, minimalist composers, inspired EDM. The repetitiveness, the ostinatos, the feeling of *HIGH* you get when you listen to it. If you go back to my painting and cover one side of her face at a time, you'll notice that the side with her eye closed, she's smiling. And the one where her eye open, she's frowning and staring at you in disgust. The weirdly drawn circles are meant to represent the repetitive patterns of music in the piece, and how, although they sound similar, they are different. Black, white, yellow, and blue all contrast each other. That's why I used them. I painted the dot on her forehead to give her an identity. I wanted her to seem as though she was defined by her cultural environment. And that although reality might seem awful to her (eye open, frowning), no one can take away the happiness she might experience in her own mind and in her imagination (eye closed, smiling). So yeah... That was the intent. I actually really like your interpretation. Introspecting without losing sight of your material self. Nice...

If you ever wanna listen to the piece, I suggest you do it when you're in the mood to get lost. Or when you have time to invest into uninterrupted listening. Talking a walk and listening to this would be heavenly.

Take your time with the 12th house. It's the unconscious, the world of ancestry, the otherworldly and supernatural... I think so much about Buddhism and the 12th house are very similar.

Hmm, about your commentary on your religious views. I don't see what there is to disagree about, really... Well, I'm Muslim and Arab. What can be worse than that? There is just an insane amount of misconception about the two, it's unreal. If you were to meet me, my friends, see how I live my life, and what social and political justice issues I support and how I treat people, you'd understand a thing or two about what Muslims are all about. There is a saying by the prophet that says: "There is no compulsion in religion". To him, it is a sin to try and force people to convert. So many of the Muslim empires like the Abbasids and the Ottomans HAD Jews and Christians and non-believers living there. No one forced them to convert. I don't force anyone to convert.

I hate when religion and politics mix. I know what it's like because I'm f*cking Sudanese, that's how it is there... It takes one hour around Khartoum to see what I mean. I've gotten yelled at by police officers to put on the veil, I was the object of many belittling and rude gazes. In fact, I was forcedto wear the veil for my passport picture otherwise I wouldn't have a passport. The stares I get when people see a hijabi woman on my passport and a girl with curly hair and piercings before them is just... Priceless really. My mom's friend got slapped by an officer because she went off on him for questioning her about her whereabouts when he has NO RIGHT TO DO SO. My family received death threats from an Islamic group in Sudan because we hosted the first hip-hop concerts there as a peace movement to help reunite the Southern and the Northern Sudanese. WTF? Obviously, I am not extremist and from what you're saying, I know you aren't either. You're a white Christian man, trust me... Your opposing demographic is atheist American. Mine is, hmm, the entire Western world and maybe even some parts of the East! Not to make it a competition, but it's the truth. Go to any other part of the world, see if anyone talks sh*t about you. They won't. There are some parts of the world that will treat you like you're a king. I'm NOT even kidding.

Religion is a very spiritual and personal thing to me. And I believe it should be that way for everyone. God is verrrrry personal to me. I hate the projection of it onto the outside world. I hate proselytizing. I don't mind the hijab at all, actually because it's a personal choice that doesn't harm anyone. But I hate force. I loathe it, it makes my f*cking blood boil. I want to project an Islam unlike the one people see in the news or people think. As a Muslim, my faith amounts to nothing if I don't believe in Jesus or Moses and all the holy books. I am not Muslim if I do not acknowledge them. I am not Muslim if I discriminate and disrespect people for their beliefs. So this "we Muslims" hate "you Christians, Jews, Buddhists, Atheists" is not real.

So please, I get your point. It's honestly okay. There's nothing wrong about what you said. The drama starts when people bring religious logic into social/political issues. I have a problem with that too. Tony, you need to be VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY careful what ideas you associate yourself with. No matter what. It is the state of affairs in the world that religious people are put under a microscope, just like, once upon a time, was the case for atheists. Guess the tables have turned. Thank goodness, I don't project or enforce my beliefs onto anyone. If they ask, I state. But be careful with what side you take and how you do it. There are things I can never ever ever condone. I have gay friends and respect them like no other. I have friends who were hindu, atheists who were Muslim, atheists who were Christian, Buddhist friends, Christian friends, WHY WHY WHY DO WE HAVE TO SEPARATE AND MAKE DISTINCTIONS? As long as you're all for human rights, then what's the problem? You know? So just be careful what ideas you give out. I know I try to because I get really upset when someone spreads negative ideas and people associate it with Islam. That's not how it goes, that's not what Islam is about.

And about ISIS... I think I shouldn't even get into that because I don't wanna go on a vulgar cussing spree. All I can say is, I am so proud that the UAE, where I was BORN AND RAISED, initiated an attack on ISIS by a MUSLIM HIJABI WOMAN! And people say, Islam oppresses women... Nay, some filthy delusional Muslims falsely and mistakenly use Islam to oppress women. And no one is sleeping on that anymore.

LOL, guess I myself had a lot to let out...

posted November 11, 2014 11:05 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by DeepFreeze:

To me, this has become a completely open conversation. The floor is yours to say anything that you want. The only rules are really to just be respectful. To talk to each other the way that you would a dear friend or something you know? Otherwise, you can reply to what you want, with what you want, or leave things alone.
If you want to throw astrology into it some more, great! Or to say, "I think you're wrong." Or "food for thought".
It's all yours. Respect and kindness... a willingness to understand, are the only "rules" that I really demand. But I think you knew that already.
(Can you intuit that I'm trying to make you comfortable?? LOL)

---

I feel the same and I can certainly "intuit" that you're trying to make me comfortable. I assure you that I am and hope that you feel comfortable yourself. Of course, no disrespect at all. That's where I draw the line, always, no matter how much two people disagree...

posted November 11, 2014 11:19 AM            

I don't have the time at the moment, but, you can talk about anything. Whatever you're comfortable with. I understand your views. I don't go advertising, but my best friend of many many years is VERY VERY athiest, but we don't bother each other. I used to be... a very I-N-T-E-N-S-E athiest. No matter WHAT beliefs are, basic human needs will always be present. There's no reason that anyone shouldn't try to provide them. At least I think... maybe there are cases. LOL
Suicidal, in the the past. A few serious attempts, a few half-@ssed attempts, lots of thought, tiredness, etc etc.

posted November 11, 2014 11:22 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by DeepFreeze:

Suicidal, in the the past. A few serious attempts, a few half-@ssed attempts, lots of thought, tiredness, etc etc.

---

posted November 11, 2014 12:12 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by PisceanDream:
Btw, if I make a part two of the video thread, will you join?

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Uhhhh... will. But probably just post the video that I did before.

posted November 11, 2014 12:29 PM            

A lot of times, there was a trigger. A lot of times it was a woman. But sometimes, it didn't involve anything but me.

A lot of times, I just needed to escape my own mind. It was SOOOOO full of thought. Sometimes I was simply exhausted, from my own brain. I was tired of thinking all of the time. I was tired of breathing. I didn't want to think about what I was eating next, or I have to go to bed at this time, or get up... or anything. I was tired of just being awake and my mind going and going.
Sometimes I looked at the world, and wondered how I ended up in such a disgusting place. I mean, people just going about aimlessly, like slaves to a world of economy, and entertainment. It seemed so empty. Surely, I thought, there's more to this, but what? What is it? There HAS to be more to it than working, to get money, to live, to get things that we want. Is life really just a material world? It can't be, can it? There has to be greater meaning. These things I thought.
I also struggled with... well, I'd hang out with a gothic crowd, a hip-hop crowd, etc. They all accepted me, but I didn't quite fit in. I didn't even have it in me to pretend. They all seemed to have a place here, and way to express it. I did not. I couldn't even identify why I was so different. Why wasn't I able to do it? It wasn't true to my heart to be gothic, or hip-hop, or anything else. It drove me nuts! Where did I fit in? Why didn't I connect with these people on even deeper levels. They seemed to enjoy having me around, but something was missing.

Then, somehow, through time, trial and error, observation, thoughts, etc. I came to realize a few things. (these are just my thoughts)
Those very things, those differences in me, (and others!). Those things that I once felt isolated me, and made me feel alone. ACTUALLY, they are very beautiful things. They are wonderful gifts to give to the world. It's a refreshing difference that others can enjoy, if they take time the time to do it. If the make the effort to get to know me, or we take the time to get to know each other. Those unique things in all of us, is what make the world such a great place. I had to learn to accept them, embrace them, AND learn to express them. To feel comfortable doing so. If we all were only to follow each other, what progress would we make?
I may not be a great leader, or pushing for some great cause like some civil rights, or making a visible mark on the world. But what I do have to offer, for those that care to venture in, is to discover some of the beauties that life contains. That life has meaning, and it's not one meaning. There are many meanings, thousands of them possibly. Meanings that you give it yourself. You can choose to enjoy and appreciate just being here.
Learn to take your bad experiences and learn from them, laugh at them later. You're here now. You're alive and well.

Well I am getting lost now. LOL

posted November 11, 2014 12:41 PM            

So I was thinking... Maybe... A new video................................

posted November 11, 2014 01:02 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by PisceanDream:
Yeah, I definitely get it... Do you feel you recovered from that phase in your life? Do you feel that, when you find yourself amidst a "clique" let's say of people who identify with specific beliefs or a specific lifestyle, is it much easier for you to join that without feeling like you're maladjusted? I identify with some of the things you say. I think my misery has roots that are far deeper than I think, it's all part of the puzzle that I am trying to solve. So... Did you solve yours? These suicidal thoughts... Are they gone for good, would you say?

So I was thinking... Maybe... A new video................................

OH COME ON!!!!!!!!

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MAAAAAYBE... Small chance. Like this big (-)

Anyway, no, no more suicidal thoughts.
I don't feel any more able to blend in. As in, able to BE LIKE them. I just am not uncomfortable with it.
I accept them, they accept me. All good. I used to go to these gothic gatherings and I was anything BUT gothic. They welcomed me anyway and we all treated each other as equal human beings.

posted November 11, 2014 01:11 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by DeepFreeze:
MAAAAAYBE... Small chance. Like this big (-)

Anyway, no, no more suicidal thoughts.
I don't feel any more able to blend in. As in, able to BE LIKE them. I just am not uncomfortable with it.
I accept them, they accept me. All good. I used to go to these gothic gatherings and I was anything BUT gothic. They welcomed me anyway and we all treated each other as equal human beings.

So, nothing much has changed except for my outlook on it. I'm very proud to be different, quirky, eccentric... whatever.

---

I'm glad to hear that! It seems as though you feeling "different" as you said was something that you viewed as a flaw or a detriment to your social relationships but that, now, you changed your outlook and embrace that differentness without feeling the need to belong to something but to just accept it.

This "-" much is still a start... I'm hoping the video-recording loving side of you is enticed by the time that thread is opened

posted November 11, 2014 01:18 PM            

Right on!

The video thing... Yeah. Kind of! (about liking it)

posted November 11, 2014 01:27 PM            

We both know "kind of" is an understatement Well, perhaps I'll let you judge whether or not I'm a master of disguise after I make it. I have a few people I will request to post a video, don't be surprised if your name is on that list!