posted June 02, 2020 01:36 PM            

I have anxiety (i haven't even stepped out of my house for 3 years now), i am body dysmorphic and I'm also clinically depressed. I used to be severely anorexic up until 4 years ago too and I'm only in my late teens. I nearly starved myself to death before i somehow managed to recover.

I would say that I'm overall a rational person but i have way too many irrational thoughts. Everyone praises my looks, my skills, my alleged intelligence but i don't get what people see in me. I am also very, very introverted and shy. For the longest time my shrink even thought i was schizoid although I'm not schizoid at all, i just like being on my own and I'm a very anxious person.

I've tried going to therapy, I've been previously medicated too but the psychiatric meds had way too many terrible side effects on me. Nothing seems to be working out for me and for the cherry on top i don't feel like i fit in anywhere. I've recently gotten into music and i feel like it's the only thing that helps me calm myself down by taking these dark thoughts and turning them into something artistic.

I can also be incredibly contradictory. It's not like i have multiple personality disorder or anything like that but i tend to have opposing thoughts and feelings all the time. I don't know whether i have a difficult natal chart or whatever because I'm new to astrology but i really hope that someone in here could point me to some aspects of my chart that could possibly help me understand why i am the way that i am.

P.S. i apologize for my terrible English, I'm Eastern European. I've been suicidal in the past too.

posted June 02, 2020 02:41 PM            

Your 3rd house ruler, Mercury (thinking, communication, writing) in Cap makes a yod to Saturn in Gemini in your 11th house (hopes and wishes, friends). This is natally or in your chart. Transiting Pluto has been making a conjunction to Mercury and a yod to your Saturn..to it for quite a while. With you picking up the music and I'm guessing you are writing the music/lyrics as well, that will really help you and is timely as the transiting conjunction from Pluto is really close by degree to your natal Mercury (which sits in your 6th house of health), but has started to pass your natal Saturn, most likely the release and now you are following more of a 3rd house communication path. You'll feel this off and on until early November 2021, but you should start making some breakthroughs further before that as you deal or learn through this energy.

With Saturn natally near your 7th house of partnerships, you'll want a more mature type partner or would want to associate with older, mature people. You may see some changes there before the transit is over as Pluto will transform things and leave you with something better and more suitable for you.

posted June 02, 2020 05:16 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Springtimeflower:
Hi Jennifer,

Your 3rd house ruler, Mercury (thinking, communication, writing) in Cap makes a yod to Saturn in Gemini in your 11th house (hopes and wishes, friends). This is natally or in your chart. Transiting Pluto has been making a conjunction to Mercury and a yod to your Saturn..to it for quite a while. With you picking up the music and I'm guessing you are writing the music/lyrics as well, that will really help you and is timely as the transiting conjunction from Pluto is really close by degree to your natal Mercury (which sits in your 6th house of health), but has started to pass your natal Saturn, most likely the release and now you are following more of a 3rd house communication path. You'll feel this off and on until early November 2021, but you should start making some breakthroughs further before that as you deal or learn through this energy.

With Saturn natally near your 7th house of partnerships, you'll want a more mature type partner or would want to associate with older, mature people. You may see some changes there before the transit is over as Pluto will transform things and leave you with something better and more suitable for you.

Hugs. Take care,
Spring

---

posted June 03, 2020 02:58 PM            

The first is your almost exact square between Moon and Neptune in the 10th and 7th respectively. This can cause a dissolution in our emotional life that can become like a void where we find ourselves mimicking or acting in a way as to create an identity that we feel the 'other' wants us to be, whether that be parents, guardians, friends, or society. Especially with the 10th house of external projection to the world and 7th house of partnerships/relationships - with your Sun there as well, your 'relationship' to others and the outer world can feel very intrusive to your Moon, which is why you want to retreat and be on your own.

Moon sq. Jupiter and close to squaring the Ascendant can also be a source of your anxiety as the Ascendant is our external image (different from external projection) of how others see us and Jupiter being the planet of expansion and growth can cause us to feel wary of this type of energy - we're not sure if the world will be a safe place for us physically, emotionally, etc.

I'm not sure if your therapists have recommended automatic writing, but I think it could help you, not to judge what you wrote and think how irrational it is, but to reread it and get try to find the feeling cause of the thought. Treat your irrational thoughts as nothing more then 'daydreams' - we're very accepting of 'night dreams' being nonsensical or abstract, but everybody is different. It just may be your brain's way of trying to 'get you to notice'.

posted June 04, 2020 12:37 PM            

a childhood-related issue in your 1st + 7th houses is adversely affecting your 2nd + 8th houses - in a way that, until resolved, will prevent you from making the most effective use of the positive qualities of Gemini, Sagittarius, Saturn, Mars and Pluto.

That 1st/7th house issue probably involves Sun, Jupiter and Neptune. ... However, with natal Chiron in Capricorn/6th, I wonder if you also found it hard to get yourself "heard" by others when you were a child/adolescent.

posted June 04, 2020 02:43 PM            

1. Moon very closely square Neptune. This is an aspect in which there is a strong tension between your sense of internal subjective balance and personal needs (Moon) and your idealism (Neptune in Aquarius): this works against intuition and spiritual insight about yourself, Neptune being in a social sign of Aquarius and also in the western part of your chart where it tends to get caught up in idealistic comparisons to others or co-dependent patterns of relating.

Understand that you'll need to effectively address this and boost your self-image or you will find yourself engaged in co-dependent relationships in which you don't believe the other person unless they denigrate you, but you'll be relying on them -- hoping they still boost your self-worth. That will not make you happy. You have to boost your own self-worth by changing the image you pattern yourself with from a material comparison and from its roots in negative feelings to one that is chosen consciously and committed to through positive affirmation.

2. Moon (12N47) nearly exactly contra-parallel Uranus (12S44). This aspect shows the planet of the higher mind (Uranus) needing balance and integration with your lunar instincts for peace, stability, etc. While these are at odds, you have a tendency to disrupt your own peace by the types of media input you take and what parts of the collective mind you link with. Some stimulations are upsetting to you and often can happen unexpectedly, but you also tend to seek them out for the excitement, and can be inconsistent in what and who you are receptive to internally. This means a tendency for mental-emotional instability, a whimsical nature that needs some discipline, healthy routines based on a conscious intention to separate yourself from what you know upsets you.

Tell yourself that your needs and internal state are compatible with the development of your higher mind and with society generally. However, you will likely have to zig when others zag. Don't try to fit in with what others are doing or the trends. Fit in with you. Know your needs and live by those.

3. Moon contra-parallel Pluto (13S46). This aspect shows your lunar instincts for peace, stability, and material ease needs balance and integration with your sense of empowerment (Pluto). You are acquainted with strong feelings and obsessiveness, but your feeling for what power or passion is pulls you out of steadiness and into turmoil.

All these aspects are both highly irrational and transpersonal. What you are reacting to within yourself relates to others not in this lifetime (upsets, trauma). I recommend exploring hypnosis as a tool for both uncovering what lies just beneath your conscious awareness that needs healing -- and as a tool for giving instructions to your mind/body while in a very calm, aware state so that you can get free of this self-damaging pattern. The second use of hypnosis may be the first one to try so that you can gain a sense of conscious empowerment in what you are doing rather than opening a pandora's box of pain before you are ready for it.

You can definitely begin now by consciously noticing what external inputs (media, circumstances, persons) trigger or upset you and start taking control of them, cutting them out of your life and replacing them with more positive, health affirming things.

It comes down to the quality of your thoughts -- and not believing your thoughts just because you have them. We all have told ourselves many lies, but none of us have to believe them.

YOU are a perfect piece of all that is (God, creation). YOU deserve peace and well being as much as ANYONE else! YOU have the power to create that! You are a creator.

Start by accepting yourself as you are.

-

Because of your sensitivity to Rx drugs, I recommend that you look into more body-friendly natural remedies starting with the Bach flower essences. You can combine 3-4 of them as needed. A flower essence remedy can be taken daily or multiple times daily until you find the right dosing that helps you get into better mental-emotional balance. They are chosen based on psychological pattern matched with each flower essence. I think you'll be interested in Crab Apple, White Chestnut, Mimulus, and Rock Rose, but do read through all the descriptions. I think White Chestnut will probably be a necessary component of any combination you create. http://www.bachcentre.com/new/en/remedies/the-38-remedies/quick-reference-guide/

There are other companies that have much more expansive remedies than the original 38 Bach essences.
- FES: http://www.fesflowers.com/product-info/alphabetical-list-of-all-flower-essences-with-indications/
- Blessed Flower Essences: http://www.blessedfloweressences.com

Each company usually has people who can help you decide what is most appropriate for you.

------------------
Soul Stars Astrology by The Declinations Guy
Expert birth chart rectification

posted June 04, 2020 03:07 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Graham:
In my opinion ... your intercepted signs and duplicated houses indicate that :-

[b]a childhood-related issue in your 1st + 7th houses is adversely affecting your 2nd + 8th houses - in a way that, until resolved, will prevent you from making the most effective use of the positive qualities of Gemini, Sagittarius, Saturn, Mars and Pluto.

That 1st/7th house issue probably involves Sun, Jupiter and Neptune. ... However, with natal Chiron in Capricorn/6th, I wonder if you also found it hard to get yourself "heard" by others when you were a child/adolescent.

What was your relationship with your father like, during childhood? ... Could the 1st/7th house issue involve feeling that you were "invisible" to him? [/B]

---

I've always been the family's "black sheep" so to speak despite the fact that the "worst" thing i've ever done growing up was smoke 3 cigarettes. I wasn't allowed to go out and was basically locked at home throughout my whole childhood for no explainable reason, none of my siblings were treated the same way i was. Literally all i did was study and go to school. I'm thankfully quite introverted and asocial anyways so it's not like i missed out on a lot.

My dad was shot when i was a young kid, i don't really have a lot of memories of him but i remember that he never got along with my mother, cheated on her all the time and was quite controlling himself. I also remember feeling invisible to an extent because he was working all the time and spent very little time at home.

A couple of years after he died my mom married another guy and he became my stepdad. She even insisted for me to be adopted by him. I have NEVER gotten along with him, ever. He was incredibly abusive to me, both emotionally and physically. I remember being beat up by him for stupid things like wanting to paint my nails in hot pink and not light pink when i was 13 because "that's what w****s do" (his words).

My mother has also always been really mentally unstable and volatile. She'd make up nasty rumors about me "f****ng old men in their cars" when i was THIRTEEN. She kept defending my stepfather's behavior towards me and keeps denying that she or him have ever treated me wrongly.

posted June 04, 2020 03:46 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Kannon McAfee:
Astrologically, the struggles you describe here are due primarily and overwhelmingly to three aspects involving the Moon, two of which are in declination:

1. Moon very closely square Neptune. This is an aspect in which there is a strong tension between your sense of internal subjective balance and personal needs (Moon) and your idealism (Neptune in Aquarius): this works against intuition and spiritual insight about yourself, Neptune being in a social sign of Aquarius and also in the western part of your chart where it tends to get caught up in idealistic comparisons to others or co-dependent patterns of relating.

Understand that you'll need to effectively address this and boost your self-image or you will find yourself engaged in co-dependent relationships in which you don't believe the other person unless they denigrate you, but you'll be relying on them -- hoping they still boost your self-worth. That will not make you happy. You have to boost your own self-worth by changing the image you pattern yourself with from a material comparison and from its roots in negative feelings to one that is chosen consciously and committed to through positive affirmation.

2. Moon (12N47) nearly exactly contra-parallel Uranus (12S44). This aspect shows the planet of the higher mind (Uranus) needing balance and integration with your lunar instincts for peace, stability, etc. While these are at odds, you have a tendency to disrupt your own peace by the types of media input you take and what parts of the collective mind you link with. Some stimulations are upsetting to you and often can happen unexpectedly, but you also tend to seek them out for the excitement, and can be inconsistent in what and who you are receptive to internally. This means a tendency for mental-emotional instability, a whimsical nature that needs some discipline, healthy routines based on a conscious intention to separate yourself from what you know upsets you.

Tell yourself that your needs and internal state are compatible with the development of your higher mind and with society generally. However, you will likely have to zig when others zag. Don't try to fit in with what others are doing or the trends. Fit in with you. Know your needs and live by those.

3. Moon contra-parallel Pluto (13S46). This aspect shows your lunar instincts for peace, stability, and material ease needs balance and integration with your sense of empowerment (Pluto). You are acquainted with strong feelings and obsessiveness, but your feeling for what power or passion is pulls you out of steadiness and into turmoil.

All these aspects are both highly irrational and transpersonal. What you are reacting to within yourself relates to others not in this lifetime (upsets, trauma). I recommend exploring hypnosis as a tool for both uncovering what lies just beneath your conscious awareness that needs healing -- and as a tool for giving instructions to your mind/body while in a very calm, aware state so that you can get free of this self-damaging pattern. The second use of hypnosis may be the first one to try so that you can gain a sense of conscious empowerment in what you are doing rather than opening a pandora's box of pain before you are ready for it.

You can definitely begin now by consciously noticing what external inputs (media, circumstances, persons) trigger or upset you and start taking control of them, cutting them out of your life and replacing them with more positive, health affirming things.

It comes down to the quality of your thoughts -- [b]and not believing your thoughts just because you have them. We all have told ourselves many lies, but none of us have to believe them.

YOU are a perfect piece of all that is (God, creation). YOU deserve peace and well being as much as ANYONE else! YOU have the power to create that! You are a creator.

Start by accepting yourself as you are.

-

Because of your sensitivity to Rx drugs, I recommend that you look into more body-friendly natural remedies starting with the Bach flower essences. You can combine 3-4 of them as needed. A flower essence remedy can be taken daily or multiple times daily until you find the right dosing that helps you get into better mental-emotional balance. They are chosen based on psychological pattern matched with each flower essence. I think you'll be interested in Crab Apple, White Chestnut, Mimulus, and Rock Rose, but do read through all the descriptions. I think White Chestnut will probably be a necessary component of any combination you create. http://www.bachcentre.com/new/en/remedies/the-38-remedies/quick-reference-guide/

There are other companies that have much more expansive remedies than the original 38 Bach essences.
- FES: http://www.fesflowers.com/product-info/alphabetical-list-of-all-flower-essenc es-with-indications/
- Blessed Flower Essences: http://www.blessedfloweressences.com

Each company usually has people who can help you decide what is most appropriate for you.

[/B]

---

Thank you a lot, all of this makes sense. I feel like the second aspect you described (the Moon and Uranus one) probably affects me the most.

I definitely resonate with the whole "you will likely have to zig when others zag" and I've thankfully never felt the need to method act and change my whole personality and/or follow mindless trends that i personally do not like for the sake of fitting in but at the same time i don't feel like I'll EVER be able to fit in anywhere.

There's only one person that i could call my "friend" and i consider her to be more of an acquaintance anyways because i met her at school (we didn't talk often back then too) and i live in a different country now so we rarely ever speak. I don't try to alienate people on purpose but i seem to really alienate and throw off people all the time.

Everyone considers me to be "very conventionally beautiful" despite the fact that i personally do not feel pretty. So everyone assumes that i must either be a complete bimbo or one of those cool, popular and extroverted party girls because i guess i look like one. But I'm none of those things.

And since I'm incredibly introverted and overall withdrawn, when people see me sitting at the corner of the room silent they automatically assume that I'm simply a mean girl that thinks that she's good talk to talk to other people since I'm not acting like a bimbo but I'm not acting like the typical cool, popular party girl either. In reality I'm simply not the type of person to start conversations and put on a phony, smiley faux girl next door persona because it's just not who i am. But that doesn't make me a bad person.

I am not saying that i would've been popular had i been, let's say a nerdy-looking guy but at least in most cases when people observe my behavior they'd come to the conclusion that I'm simply shy (which is definitely the case). But i guess the possibility of someone who looks like me being more "geeky" and shy and etc. doesn't even pass through 99% of people's minds.

So i pretty much feel incredibly misunderstood by everyone. Not only that these people don't ever bother to try to get to know me as opposed to jump to idiotic conclusions about me, but they also literally start gossiping behind my back and talk about how "rude" and "arrogant" i am when that's 100% not the case.

I mean.. how would you know what i am like as a person if you've never even tried talking to me? These people have never even said hi to me, not once. And when that happens i feel even more discouraged to attempt socializing. My terrible anxiety aside, if someone were to approach me I'd go out of my way to be nice and make them comfortable even if i feel like dying on the inside.

And the term "sl*t" seems to follow me around when it comes to illogical and unnecessary gossip and innuendo surrounding me too. I really have no idea why because i am almost in my 20s and I'm still a virgin and have never had a boyfriend. I already talked about my own mother spreading rumors about me "seducing" old men in this thread when i was 13-14 years old. Absolutely sick. Not only that my family is trashing me and calling me all kinds of names, it's random people that don't know me too.

The people that talk about me being a "mean girl" despite not knowing me are the ones who usually spread rumors about me "f*cking every guy from school" and being "a sl*t" too. I've read somewhere that this has something to do with my Lilith placement. I think that the asteroid Lilith is in my 10th house and women with this aspect seem to have a bad reputation when it comes to their sexuality even if it's not true too but i am not entirely sure about this so someone could let me know if I'm wrong.

I really apologize about this rant but you can now understand why i feel so broken and discouraged. I've never been the type of person that genuinely feels external validation and a lot of people liking them and being friends with them in order to be happy despite all of my severe insecurities. But at the same time being incredibly lonely at the literal sense of it feels terrible. I don't even have family members that i can interact with.

I don't want to be too cynical but the truth is that i am and have always been a complete social outcast and will probably remain one for the rest of my life. And when you combine this with all of my other problems the severity of my mental health issues becomes more understandable.

I know that there are people starving, people that live in countries that are being bombed and etc. I know that these are all 1st world problems and despite everything i am still grateful to the universe for having many privileges. But let's face it, 1st world problems are still problems.

posted June 04, 2020 04:02 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by SDragon:
I'm thinking that there are aspects and configurations that are influencing you without you realizing, ie. it's not something that you can 'mentally' relate to and say 'there's the cause!', especially because they are not related to the planet Mercury which we usually relate to intellect and communication.

The first is your almost exact square between Moon and Neptune in the 10th and 7th respectively. This can cause a dissolution in our emotional life that can become like a void where we find ourselves mimicking or acting in a way as to create an identity that we feel the 'other' wants us to be, whether that be parents, guardians, friends, or society. Especially with the 10th house of external projection to the world and 7th house of partnerships/relationships - with your Sun there as well, your 'relationship' to others and the outer world can feel very intrusive to your Moon, which is why you want to retreat and be on your own.

Moon sq. Jupiter and close to squaring the Ascendant can also be a source of your anxiety as the Ascendant is our external image (different from external projection) of how others see us and Jupiter being the planet of expansion and growth can cause us to feel wary of this type of energy - we're not sure if the world will be a safe place for us physically, emotionally, etc.

I'm not sure if your therapists have recommended automatic writing, but I think it could help you, not to judge what you wrote and think how irrational it is, but to reread it and get try to find the feeling cause of the thought. Treat your irrational thoughts as nothing more then 'daydreams' - we're very accepting of 'night dreams' being nonsensical or abstract, but everybody is different. It just may be your brain's way of trying to 'get you to notice'.

With peace, love and blessings.

---

So i keep being "identity-less", so to speak. At this point i don't even know who i am. I am so used to pleasing everyone and trying to be as non-threatening as possible (while still maintaining my personality), even if said people have treated me like trash and don't even deserve my respect.

And what happens is i keep striving to be who OTHERS want me to be, not sure about whether who i am is good enough or how people would react to me. I've built many walls around me in the process too. I don't feel like it's safe for me to not only be "me" but for me to also show any kind of vulnerability and imperfection despite the fact that i am incredibly messed up psychologically.

It's incredibly weird. I feel like 2 different people. I consider myself to be incredibly strong, resilient and opinionated, yet i feel neurotically insecure, worthless, unsure of myself and the way that i present myself at the same time. It's like a pseudo personality split.

posted June 04, 2020 05:03 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by jennifercheck:
And since I'm incredibly introverted and overall withdrawn ...

---

Yes, I could see that from your first comments about not going out at all. The reason I did not talk about houses and such is that I don't think the way you've described yourself lines up with what is typical of a personality with Asc in Leo conjunct Jupiter. Typically that personality does not withdraw but is optimistic and fights back. However, you can read my rising sign descriptions and maybe tell for yourself if you are Cancer rising or Leo: http://kannonmcafee.wordpress.com/rising-signs/

quote:

---

I must've been a terrible person in my past life or something because i don't feel like i am living my life, i feel like life is happening to me. I've went through so much sh***y things and so much trauma despite being so young, i am convinced that it's karmic. I'm really not trying to victimize myself but I'm sick of it and i find it really hard to keep on going.

---

I understand. And yes, it is karmic -- but karma is not punishment. It is the burden of unfinished business with others and the continuation of an unconscious pattern with them. So please don't let terms like past lives or karma add to any negative feelings about yourself.

Decide now that you can and will rise above this pattern and the way you have been treated. Decide that you are and will be a loving person -- no matter what others have done to you. You don't need to know how to accomplish that just yet. Just decide that you are rising above it. Then go about doing what you can one step at a time to heal. That is your decision and is totally within your hands. Once you decide and commit ... people, healers, resources, and tools to do it will start showing up.

------------------
Soul Stars Astrology by The Declinations Guy
Expert birth chart rectification

posted June 04, 2020 06:01 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by jennifercheck:
I often feel like i simply wasn't made for this planet. I apologize for the dramatics but I'm sick of pretending that I'm OK when I'm absolutely not despite my "tough" persona.

---

I have Moon sq. Neptune as well so I'm aware of the issues with it and there's no need to apologize. Sometimes we share our feelings with people we 'think' have our best interests at heart and instead of listening with empathy and care, they just gaslight us back into our own insecurities. Eventually we learn to put up our own boundaries and learn to emotionally place more importance on how we feel than on other people. No one said it would be easy though, it's taken me over 30 years to realize who I am and to accept myself without needing to 'accommodate' for others. It's a retraining about our own self-worth, but as we use the muscle more, it gets stronger and we learn to stand in our own truth. I believe that some of the most beautiful 'old souls' have terrible early lives as a way to quicken their evolutionary path in life - 1st world problems indeed, but early pain and suffering lead to some of the most compassionate and loving individuals the world has ever seen.

posted June 04, 2020 06:41 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by SDragon:
I have Moon sq. Neptune as well so I'm aware of the issues with it and there's no need to apologize. Sometimes we share our feelings with people we 'think' have our best interests at heart and instead of listening with empathy and care, they just gaslight us back into our own insecurities. Eventually we learn to put up our own boundaries and learn to emotionally place more importance on how we feel than on other people. No one said it would be easy though, it's taken me over 30 years to realize who I am and to accept myself without needing to 'accommodate' for others. It's a retraining about our own self-worth, but as we use the muscle more, it gets stronger and we learn to stand in our own truth. I believe that some of the most beautiful 'old souls' have terrible early lives as a way to quicken their evolutionary path in life - 1st world problems indeed, but early pain and suffering lead to some of the most compassionate and loving individuals the world has ever seen.

[edit] Oh, actually dissolution might not be the right word, now that I think about my own younger days before my boundaries. It's more like a hodgepodge of emotional openness to the point where I didn't know where my own feelings began and the other persons ended. So there's potential for a psychic ability there but we need to learn to differentiate between our own emotions and others and to learn to detach when we feel negative energies that others may have and not accept them.

---

posted June 05, 2020 06:48 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by jennifercheck:
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Graham:
[b]In my opinion ... your intercepted signs and duplicated houses indicate that :-

[b]a childhood-related issue in your 1st + 7th houses is adversely affecting your 2nd + 8th houses - in a way that, until resolved, will prevent you from making the most effective use of the positive qualities of Gemini, Sagittarius, Saturn, Mars and Pluto.

That 1st/7th house issue probably involves Sun, Jupiter and Neptune. ... However, with natal Chiron in Capricorn/6th, I wonder if you also found it hard to get yourself "heard" by others when you were a child/adolescent.

What was your relationship with your father like, during childhood? ... Could the 1st/7th house issue involve feeling that you were "invisible" to him? [/B]

---

I've always been the family's "black sheep" so to speak despite the fact that the "worst" thing i've ever done growing up was smoke 3 cigarettes. I wasn't allowed to go out and was basically locked at home throughout my whole childhood for no explainable reason, none of my siblings were treated the same way i was. Literally all i did was study and go to school. I'm thankfully quite introverted and asocial anyways so it's not like i missed out on a lot.

My dad was shot when i was a young kid, i don't really have a lot of memories of him but i remember that he never got along with my mother, cheated on her all the time and was quite controlling himself. I also remember feeling invisible to an extent because he was working all the time and spent very little time at home.

A couple of years after he died my mom married another guy and he became my stepdad. She even insisted for me to be adopted by him. I have NEVER gotten along with him, ever. He was incredibly abusive to me, both emotionally and physically. I remember being beat up by him for stupid things like wanting to paint my nails in hot pink and not light pink when i was 13 because "that's what w****s do" (his words).

My mother has also always been really mentally unstable and volatile. She'd make up nasty rumors about me "f****ng old men in their cars" when i was THIRTEEN. She kept defending my stepfather's behavior towards me and keeps denying that she or him have ever treated me wrongly.

I've never ONCE felt heard or safe around them. Even when i was severely anorexic (i was so thin that i looked like a walking skeleton and was warned by doctors that my organs were about to start failing) all they did to "help" me was beat me up, tell me that I'm an attention seeker and that i was starving myself to death because i wanted to "divide the family". And that's just the cherry on top. They've done many other terrible things to me throughout the years.[/B][/QUOTE]
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I am sorry (and saddened) to discover that your childhood/adolescence was so horrific, jennifer ... but pleased to note that you've opted to be a survivor rather than a victim of life.

I agree that you are dealing in this lifetime with karma from a past life. ... So, you need help to move from where you are now (surviving) to where you are striving to be (thriving).

The past has gone, and nothing can be done to change it. ... In the present, you have already recognised the psychological wound/scars created by those past events - so we do not need to do any explaining of them here.

posted June 05, 2020 04:12 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Graham:
[QUOTE]Originally posted by jennifercheck:
[b] [QUOTE]Originally posted by Graham:
[b]In my opinion ... your intercepted signs and duplicated houses indicate that :-

[b]a childhood-related issue in your 1st + 7th houses is adversely affecting your 2nd + 8th houses - in a way that, until resolved, will prevent you from making the most effective use of the positive qualities of Gemini, Sagittarius, Saturn, Mars and Pluto.

That 1st/7th house issue probably involves Sun, Jupiter and Neptune. ... However, with natal Chiron in Capricorn/6th, I wonder if you also found it hard to get yourself "heard" by others when you were a child/adolescent.

What was your relationship with your father like, during childhood? ... Could the 1st/7th house issue involve feeling that you were "invisible" to him? [/B]

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I've always been the family's "black sheep" so to speak despite the fact that the "worst" thing i've ever done growing up was smoke 3 cigarettes. I wasn't allowed to go out and was basically locked at home throughout my whole childhood for no explainable reason, none of my siblings were treated the same way i was. Literally all i did was study and go to school. I'm thankfully quite introverted and asocial anyways so it's not like i missed out on a lot.

My dad was shot when i was a young kid, i don't really have a lot of memories of him but i remember that he never got along with my mother, cheated on her all the time and was quite controlling himself. I also remember feeling invisible to an extent because he was working all the time and spent very little time at home.

A couple of years after he died my mom married another guy and he became my stepdad. She even insisted for me to be adopted by him. I have NEVER gotten along with him, ever. He was incredibly abusive to me, both emotionally and physically. I remember being beat up by him for stupid things like wanting to paint my nails in hot pink and not light pink when i was 13 because "that's what w****s do" (his words).

My mother has also always been really mentally unstable and volatile. She'd make up nasty rumors about me "f****ng old men in their cars" when i was THIRTEEN. She kept defending my stepfather's behavior towards me and keeps denying that she or him have ever treated me wrongly.

I've never ONCE felt heard or safe around them. Even when i was severely anorexic (i was so thin that i looked like a walking skeleton and was warned by doctors that my organs were about to start failing) all they did to "help" me was beat me up, tell me that I'm an attention seeker and that i was starving myself to death because i wanted to "divide the family". And that's just the cherry on top. They've done many other terrible things to me throughout the years.[/B][/QUOTE]
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I am sorry (and saddened) to discover that your childhood/adolescence was so horrific, jennifer ... but pleased to note that you've opted to be a survivor rather than a victim of life.

I agree that you are dealing in this lifetime with karma from a past life. ... So, you need help to move from where you are now (surviving) to where you are striving to be (thriving).

The past has gone, and nothing can be done to change it. ... In the present, you have already recognised the psychological wound/scars created by those past events - so we do not need to do any explaining of them here.

Hence, our focus in this thread should be upon the future. ... So, bearing in mind the remedial advice that has already been provided by the thread contributors, what do you now consider to be "the right way forward" (in order to deal with your issues)? [/B][/QUOTE]

posted June 05, 2020 06:24 PM            

Hypnosis (as suggested by Kannon)? More therapy? A natal chart analysis by a qualified Astrological Psychology counsellor?

posted June 06, 2020 04:02 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Graham:
How might you seek that help though, jennifer?

Hypnosis (as suggested by Kannon)? More therapy? A natal chart analysis by a qualified Astrological Psychology counsellor?

For example, do you think it would help to have a consultation with (perhaps) Milena Valkanova - the APA qualified Bulgarian astrologer (and jungian therapist) in the list at http://astrologicalpsychology.org/consultations/ ? ... Or are you already past the stage of identifying your natal "issues" - and ready to move onto the next stage (of dealing/"living" with them)?

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I'll probably start out with giving therapy a try one more time, as well as getting a natal chart reading by an astrological psychology therapist. I will definitely check out Milena Valkanova. If therapy doesn't work i might give hypnosis a try too.

posted June 07, 2020 01:10 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by jennifercheck:
I'll probably start out with giving therapy a try one more time, as well as getting a natal chart reading by an astrological psychology therapist. I will definitely check out Milena Valkanova. If therapy doesn't work i might give hypnosis a try too.

I'd like to once again thank You for Your kind words and help.

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You may also find it helpful to explore your chart via Karmic Astrology, jennifer.
http://www.karenmblack.com/free-karmic-astrology.html

posted June 07, 2020 05:59 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Graham:
You may also find it helpful to explore your chart via [b]Karmic Astrology, jennifer.
http://www.karenmblack.com/free-karmic-astrology.html

And to (also) join the Astrologer's Forum ... where karmic issues are regularly raised on the "personal chart queries" boards ... http://www.astrologersforum.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=6218 [/B]

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