posted June 01, 2023 09:33 PM            

(And I just realized this happened on the night of 1st of June. Last year on 1st of June I cut off my connection with my father completely through a long letter. Just checked, he also sent me a picture today to wish me happy kid day but I have not said a word since the cut off.)

The dream; it was incredibly lucid. I was hyper aware and conscious and honestly did not know what to do. I was scared of people realizing that I am aware for some reason. It was winter and I was walking through some kind of park with activities: people were ice skating, playing in the snow, riding snow mobiles, eating etc. I thought about enjoying sone time having fun but when I approached a place… people were looking suuuper weird at me. Staring. I was literally thinking that being lucid sucks, I dont know what to do and I look different than the others. Anyway, I get caught up in a crowd of people and I see two blonde girls. I started talking with them and they seemed nice. They told me that I can stay at the hotel here to rest. I was happy about it since I didnt like being exposed to so many people, so I started walking to the hotel. I arrive and decide to enter room 17, I close the door lock and finally relax. But then I hear somebody trying to enter and I see a manly hand under the door reaching inside the room. I go take a knife and then sit down at the door: the door had a small space below so you could reach under it. I just put my hand with the knife oriented towards the stalker under the door and I could see: every time he tried to reach to me he would get cut. But he did not stop. He started trying to fit in below the door with his full body but my knife hurt him.

posted June 04, 2023 07:15 AM            

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Ayelet

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Thank you so much as always <3

I could not wake myself up, I was stuck. That is why I kept walking and trying to find a place to be alone, so that maybe I can wake up safely.

It is incredible you mentioned winter=later phase in life. Recently I've been saying that I am in a holiday phase of my life... I am free of most struggles right now. My life until 19 years old has been marked by all types of abuse, losing everything (home, money, stability, faith), constant struggle and stress. Now I have no real struggles, I can afford anything I want, I have an amazing partner, I took care of my health on all sides (including psychology/therapy sessions) etc.

But for some reason I do not know how to have fun or enjoy things in this holiday part of my life, because I never really had a childhood where I did that...(Laughing in 8th house Leo North node, saturn in 5th house/capricorn ascendant, and sun in 12th house)

So yes, just like in my dream "I cannot unwind", I have access to all kinds of fun things, any type of food, any type of activity, but yet I do not know how to have fun, how to enjoy the moment, how to be a kid, I take it very rationally. I do have better boundaries now though, but even so there could always be a small space where something/someone can try to get a hold of me? I also gave it more thought and the attack is similar to my allergies. I have allergies starting from the end of May to middle of June. My attack in the dream, maybe an overreaction to a foreign substance, just like my allergies. "Allergy is a reaction of the body’s immune system to a substance that has been declared “enemy,” and since then, it symbolizes an aspect of the individual that has been rejected or repressed:. Maybe I could have just opened the door and asked the person who it was? They had no knife, they just wanted to enter the room... I do not know

posted June 14, 2023 10:45 AM            

One time I saw an upside down cross at 3am(don't remember the exact time) but it freaked me out even though I was very removed from the Christiaan faith for a few years. It spooked me a lot.

posted August 31, 2023 08:31 AM            

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Originally posted by teasel:
I've just read that cortisol is high around 3am. That could wake you up.

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posted November 29, 2023 09:37 AM            

Long story short, I found out that my father wrote about my last letter to him in his book, and I read what he said today. The day when he started writing about me is the day when I had this dream. The man in the dream trying to reach under the door to me no matter what I am doing maybe?

If you are curious, horrified is a small word for my reaction. He wrote about me before I was born, to the moment in which I was born and then my last letter. He took each sentence from my last letter, and wrote grotesque replies to it. Yes he wrote my words word by word and then responded. If you are curious about grotesque? For example, I told him in my letter that “you never had the time to discover who i really am, what ive lost and suffered”. His reply: - you were under mother's care - you could communicate at any time - you blame me for not knowing everything - although you chose to suffer in silence in a room at your grandparents - you swallowed everything that happened - like a weak person - you didn't say anything - although I paid for your phone - computer - that's all I know - I was waiting to help you more - life took us to different islands.

In a book, one which will soon be published, he wrote 8 full pages.

posted March 03, 2024 08:58 AM            

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Originally posted by Randall:
With me lately, it's 4:44!

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