posted July 31, 2015 02:24 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ceridwen:

You dreaming?

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posted July 31, 2015 02:42 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Orange:

It sets the difference between "acting despite" vs "acting because" . Huge difference.

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Not REALLY sure I understand what you mean.

But the question is a real important one.

Am I acting like I do DESPITE him being married or BECAUSE? BECAUSE deep inside I know it cannot lead to anything.

And I suspect I might do it BECAUSE. I mean up to a bit before, whenever he came "too" close (granted usually having a micro in his hand. lol), my instinct was taking a step backwards. Keep the distance intact, you know?
He sort of sometimes sneaks up on me nevertheless though.

It makes it so easy to be like I am online, too, because online means distance, physical distance, while when you do these things in physical proximity of someone, the risk is they might reach out to you and grab hold of you, if you do this.

And even when in the audience, I had this instinct to take a step backwards (even though I did not even REALLY want to, just a conditioned response of many many years) even with the chair in my back.

It was just last week, that this automatic response failed me. Donīt get me wrong I still felt very awkward about him being so close to me (of course I knew that he could not do anything really, being on stage and all though this does not always keep him away), and worse, gazing at me, and with the lights on even (darkness is good, then I can at least pretend he does not really see me, but he usually manages to have the lights switched on so he can SEE his audience. He repeatedly said this even literally. lol)

But despite that weird feeling inside and despite feeling literally like being made to walk through fire, for the first time I did not feel that urge to take a step back or avoid too long eyecontact or to pretend I could NOT read the expression in his gaze.

Just a moment (okay several moments). But it changed something. For me at least. Of course it does not change the social restraints, the reality of the underlying situation, but it changed something in sofar that I have the feeling that the option of retreating back into the dark and hide away has been quite shattered.
No I donīt think that this result in any kind of ACTION (and should not) but it`s like the realization is there (and yes, I mean, on his part as well), there`s clarity at least about my feelings (big word, maybe substitute it for appreciation, admiration, sympathy? ); and since I canīt take it back, I will have to find a way to deal with it having leaked out somehow.

It`s part of MY learning process.

Part of me wants to recoil, and scurry back into the dark and hide in some corner far away from the centre.

And the other part?
The other part goes and posts on his facebook page that I am addicted to his (bands`s) concerts.

The one part I know, the one who hides from the light.
The other part?
SCares me because of the impulsivity and spontaneity and NOT-thinking-before-acting (my draco Venus in ARies taking over`?) , and for some reason he has a way to activating this part in me.

I guess that must be the part who was, after being afraid of water for a long time, taking a sudden plunge into the water and nearly drowned, when my Dad had not been pulling me out in time (I was about 2 years old).
Or the part that while being under observation by teachers, did not risk a little misstep on ski, totally frozen with fear, but who then when they were not looking thought it was a good idea to go up the steep hill and just see if I can make it down in one piece (and without the unnecesarry things you learn to apply so you will not get too fast. Just forget about that. Skis parallel and slide downards. MAkes you reach the end more quickly too.) my teacher said he was nearly having a heartattack when he saw that.

Well anyway I am not really impulsive or taking risk or spontaneous.

And here in this regard the acting BECAUSE he is married and in a distance and detached and far away and unreachable and unavailable to secure my own safe distance, it did not work out quite as I had thought it would.

And everytime I build a wall I think is highly effective (and to everyone else it is), he does something sudden, surprising, unpredictable (for me), and it comes crashing down, and I am standing in the middle of the stones coming down around me, dazed and shocked and just stuttering: "My beautiful ivory tower"! What have you done to my tower?"

sorry, it is the blue or not blue moon I guess.

posted July 31, 2015 03:07 PM            

I feel it is an intriguing question, and has many sides to it.

Acting despite ... him being married, can actually be seen as pretty sluttish, nasty, trying to meddle in where one has no business to.

Why do you think it is being aware? Aware of what?

Though I can see how acting BECAUSE is really the one in the dark, staying in the dark, shying away from the light (of being seen), a safe place. seemingly.

and then acting DESPITE
can also be stepping out of the dark, even despite all that, despite knowing there is no chance, stepping into the light and saying: Here I am. That is how I feel. I know that it can`t lead to anything. But you deserve to know.

posted July 31, 2015 05:10 PM            

Acting because, i meant as - you are oblivious to the aforementioned, believe all is just a matter of time, start planning the future for when it happens and act all crazy, a bunny boiler like attitude, because you believe you are meant to be.

posted July 31, 2015 06:09 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by LeeLoo2014:
Orange, you've been very deep lately
I mean you always are, of course, but somehow....deeper

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The Blue Moon is in my 12th house today.
Also, I am in the mid of my period ( ovu) and horny :-D That must explain the depth, ah mmm.

posted July 31, 2015 07:28 PM            

yes, I understand that now.

I find it intriguing, that this sentence, can be turned and interpreted in so many directions.

But I agree with you there.
I would never plan a future.
I mean seriously, Mars-Neptune or not, I am not THAT naive.

It seems however that things are not always black or white, surprisingly. and for me personally I think I am simply exploring some shades-of-grey, emotionally speaking.

I KNOW that the situation is impossible in the respect, that it can`t lead into a romantic relationship.
Yet, it fascinates me, that the connection that is there (or awareness or however you want to call it, I do not have a term for it really), still feels valuable and worth exploring (internally for me) to me, and feels like it is ADDING to my life instead of taking away from it.
Why is that so?
Shouldn`t I just feel resginated, depressed and that`s it?
Instead I feel as if I have been blessed with a gift, and sure maybe just living in a dreamworld, but I am not even sure what dreamworld that would be (it surely does not contain a white dress. ).
a love of life, maybe that describes it best for me.
I remember this one moment at a concert some years ago, and I admit it, I might have not be totally sober (not that I had been drinking, it was just too much music, too little oxygene. lol) and I remember standing totally in the back, or sitting on a barstool, slightly higher than the rest of the audience, and looking over the heads of the others at the stage, looking at him (he was playing: MOre than words - and it was during the very strange concert, when he would even appear beside me while I was standing in line for the toilet. lol)

And I was thinking, or no sensing: "This is where I am supposed to be. At this moment, there`s no other place, no other time I`d rather be. That is right."

Even when I was thinking that I knew how weird that was. But that is what I felt, totally one with that moment, being present in the Here and Now.

Now that might sound silly to many people, but I have never been really present, never been really IN the moment. No matter where or when I was, waht I was experiencing, a part of me has always been somewhere else, being in the present seemed impossible to me, I have always really felt through situations only after they happened, thinking them through a while after.

Since that day, since meeting him however, I haven`t been anything but present.

Why does it feel so right, being there? I donīt know. I just know it does.
And maybe I donīt need to know why. Maybe it`s just enough as it is.

When I am not starting to overanalyze, but just surrender to the experience (and he usually does not leave me much choice in that regard), I have gained something that I never had before. Peace of mind. The restlessness fades, and I can just be.
Not who or what. Just be.

Yes I know it sounds very silly, and I can`t describe it, but it feels good. Most of the time, unless I get trapped in conventional expectations.
But ultimatively it enhances my life, or the experience of life and giving me a chance to explore and develop emotions I seriously have not known (or allowed) before.

posted July 31, 2015 07:30 PM            

For me this Blue Moon is the reflection of my progressed Fullmoon just in the reverse order

Tr Sun conjunct pr Moon in n 8th/ pr 7th
Tr Moon conjunct pr Sun in n2nd/ pr 1st

posted August 01, 2015 03:32 AM            

Fool - Ace of Swords - King of Cups

Brand new day, hu?

EDIT
Also pulled this morning for the question what I am heading into.

6 of swords - Ace of Wands - King of Pentacles