posted September 08, 2004 09:50 PM         

Love, AngelDust

posted September 10, 2004 01:09 AM         

I don't think her life is secretly awful, nor do I wish it to be, but I do think she feels omnipotent, and that galls me that she would have the God-like nerve to talk about what karma I deserve, to judge me and call me a wretched person... honestly, I would be afriad to say those things about someone else who has been through so much. I'd be afriad of bringing down the universe's karmic wrath upon myself!

In high school, yeah we were competitive about looks and boyfriends and such. I secretly knew she relished in my misfortune, but I had no idea how much until I read that email... Or why she is even so angry! It doesn't make any sense. If my life was so great, I wouldn't have so much poison to spit out like that about people worse off than myself. Honestly, I think she just feels like she is living a perfect life, she's young, good looking, married into the right family and has lots of money... and she feels totally omnipotent. Somehow her perfect life makes her qualified to judge me deserving of everything I get.

Well, just like she knows too much about me because we were so close, I know too much about her as well, and I know all her crap, how shallow she is, how she is such a turn-coat without principles and the real reason she married her husband. I'm not saying she deserves horrible things to happen to her, I don't know what the plan is for her in this universe. But she is not a perfect person like she obviously thinks she is. For his sake, I hope he always stays rich, he's had some horrible experiences with "friends" who only associated with him because of his money. This would kill him and he truly is a nice guy.

Off I go! Busy rebuilding my life and being positive!

posted September 10, 2004 01:32 AM         

Forgive... Move on. Forgive her for being shallow. It pi$$es you off... but that's it. Not this chick. She doesn't care if you're ****** off about her being shallow. It probably makes her think you're ****** off because you're jealous of her.

Or, maybe you should consider... Are you jealous of her? Really?

I'm not suggesting I know how you feel, because I don't. Only you know what's in your mind and in your heart.

You talk a lot about her thoughts and what she thinks of herself and you in your post. You really can't say what she's thinking to herself. You could totally be right about her... but inside, she's got issues just like everyone else. We all have 'em. No one is normal or perfect. Some people can't handle not living up to societies ideals of "perfect". That's fine. *shrug* I, personally, just don't keep friends like that.

I REALLY hope this doesn't come across as harsh or unfeeling for you. I really do empathize completely with how it feels to have a friend F you over. I really really do. I know it hurts, and feeling betrayed.

You can't change your feelings, but you can change your thoughts and behavior... which will eventually affect your feelings.

When you catch yourself having these feelings, think something positive. I forgive her. I am detatched. I have let go of my anger toward her.

A truly evolved spirit knows how to love thier enemy.

Love you. Love her. Let go.

posted September 10, 2004 03:03 AM         

Really, I honestly don't see what is so mean spirited or negative about my last post, as far as me saying she's a turn-coat with no principles, I said that because things she's done to me. She's the greatest friend in the world when she needs me, but as soon as she feels that she has the upperhand, she sh*ts on me. She likes making people painfully aware of the hierarchy if/when she feels she's above you, and always has (frienship has never been about this to me). She does this to people all the time. If she needs you, then she is the greatest person you ever met, so sweet, understanding, accomodating, supportive. As soon as she feels you need her more than she needs you, she starts with the mind games. The only reason I posted about her at all is because Angeldust revived the thread.

Hey, someone asked me about her, about jealousies and competitiveness and I answered. You didn't imagine that I'd have lovely things to say about her, did you?

I try to be a good person, but unfortunately, I'm not that good a person. Not yet anyway.

Let's see... what nice things can I say about her... She's attractive, she can be a lot of fun (this why the friendship lasted much longer than it ever should have... we have lots of fun together, I can't think of a female friend I have more fun with), she has a great sense of style (she's always dressed immaculately). I'm trying to find something nice I can say about her character other than her being great fun but I honestly can't think of anything.

I dont care about her "great life" cause honestly she might love it, but to me it's empty and boring. My life is so far from perfect, but hers is not what I aspire to at all. I only posted about it to point out that she doesn't seem to have any reason to be jealous of me at all, or to be so angry or relishing in my misfortune. Because Angeldust asked.

I don't even like thinking about it. I just get so angry thinking about what she said. I don't think about it too much for this reason. It's probably as personal and nasty as you can possibly get. I'm not going to apologize for feeling wounded and bitter about it.

I've talked to our mutual friend and asked her why she is so angry at me. What did I do to her? Why does she say I'm such a terrible person and terrible friend? (cause you see she dumps on our mutual friend so much about me and what a horrible person I am to this day, mutual friend doesn't sign onto AIM anymore because she doesn't want to hear it -- she says it makes her literally nauseous and thinks what she says is evil) Well, apparently the only thing she can come up with is how years ago we were out at a party and had a "fight" and she stormed off and caught a cab home. I put "fight" in quotes because our group of friends always had these muckaround fights where we'd call each other names and out do each other with insults, and she got all butthurt and stormed off and caught a cab home! We drove around for two hours looking for her! And she brings this up as evidence of me being a bad friend. Our mutual friend says she goes on and on and on about this episode, and my mutual friend was there that day, she knows exactly what I'm talking about and thought it was crazy on the day it happened and a laughable piece of "evidence" of what a bad friend I apparently am.

Let's not forget that, again, I didn't stop talking to her for a small reason. My reason for ending our friendship is not petty. I told her in my response email to her (yes, I did respond) that since she thinks she is such a great friend, I hope she has friends exactly like herself in her darkest hours. She kicked me when I was down in my darkest hours. Honestly, I don't know how I got out of the month of June alive, cause I wanted to die. And she was a total b*tch to me that whole time. It was like an adult "Mean Girls" -- and who needs that sh*t when their life is falling apart? So I stopped talking to her and this email was her response. Yeah, she's a really great person. Positive, positive, positive.

This is why I took it so personally that she she says I deserve everything I get. So I deserve to feel like dying, do I? You don't know how many curse words I wrote in a rage just now that I deleted.

posted September 17, 2004 11:49 PM         

Scientifically there does not exists a perfect circle.

So what goes around may really not come around

posted September 21, 2004 09:36 AM         

Well, I know exactly what you are talking about... I have had a bit of forgiving in my lifetime - at least in this one... . At the beginning I was very unforgiving, especially when it really hurt deeply inside... I'm a sensitive soul, you know? (Moon in conjunction with my ascendant). I remember it used to take me several years when the damage was serious...

I didn't really understand the value of forgiving. I wanted revenge or at least forget about it...It wasn't until a few years ago when I came to realise how healing forgiveness is...

A friend of mine had been deeply in love with me for several years but I wasn't aware of it. I just couldn't see him, so entranced I was with someone else... Everybody in my group of friends knew except of me... I could sense it, I don't deny it but I couldn't truly believe it...

This girl in my group of friends tried to get us together for a while but then started to date him... I admit I felt a bit jealous but it was just because he was such a close friend and I got less attention now that he had a girlfriend... But it was fine with me, I wished them luck and felt happy that they were together...

But things started to go wrong between them... He was still mad about me... I always though he was my twin soul... We had a special connection as if we had know each other forever... They started to have more and more arguments... Every time he had any kind of contact with me she made a scene... A suppose it was difficult for a Leo to swallow that he loved someone else…

At that time I went through a bad patch... I was heart broken for 2 years... He was always there, with his adoring gaze, so sweet... And I saw the light at the end of the tunnel when I realised I was in love with him...

But he was still with her and I didn't want to break a relationship... If he loved me he would have to do it... I wouldn't cheat on her... I slowly started to let him now that things had changed, that for the first time he has a chance with me...

I knew she only started with him because he asked her out and she wanted a boyfriend. I knew she didn't love him but I still felt bad about trying to get him for me...

That summer she went to another city for a work placement and with her out of the equation, it was easier for us to get closer to each other. It was spiritually mind-blowing… Nothing physical happened between us because there was a tacit agreement between us of not being together cheating… Our love deserved respect.

Then she came back and she noticed a change… Being in a noisy bar, all sitting around a table, I overheard a conversation between them. They obviously didn’t know I was listening but the temptation was too strong to avoid it…

She asked him what was going on because since she was back she had noticed a change… He said things like “You know I love her, I always have and always will. You knew before we started together… But no, we haven’t done anything; she is too good for that. She deserves better. I have tried to split up with you several times but you have never let me go… I know you love me and I respect that, I won’t leave you… She is too good for me anyway, even achieving my best she will always be above that. She is bound to find someone better than me and I won’t be able to resist it if she leaves me”.

I always suspected he somehow felt inferior… I never treated him different from anyone else but I suppose it was circumstantial. My grades at school were always too high, I was studying Physics, and I come from an academically achieving middle-class family… And he came from a working-class family and never went to University…

I thought at the end he would be brave enough, that he would overcome his fears if he loved me so much… He always said I was special, that he didn’t know anyone like me, who he would feel so at home with…

And then, after a couple of weeks, they split up… I couldn’t believe it, at the end he left her… I waited cautiously; it wasn’t the first time they went back together after a big row… But this time it was serious… A month passed and they weren’t back… So I gathered strength and wrote a poem confessing my feelings as a birthday present…

He got it and the first time I saw him after it he was glowing with joy. He just said “Wait… Give me a bit of time…”. I understood. He didn’t want to hurt her. It was respect towards her. It was fine with me. I would wait whatever necessary…

But the week after all had changed. He was wearing a mask, if you know what I mean… They appeared to be back together. He asked to talk to me and I agreed. I never thought he would backstab me in such a way. He did it just there, with all my friends at less than a few meters from me, with her looking at me.

Cold and calculating, he lied. Brutally and cruelly. He said I had misinterpreted, that he didn’t feel anything for me. He treated me as a cheap and dirty wench, trying to steal good girls boyfriends. He blamed me of treating her badly (which was the other way around). I didn’t say a thing, just apologised for having upset him. It took me several hours to take it in and be able to cry.

From that day onwards, he started to pretend he was very happy with her and being very explicit kissing and touching. It was excruciating just to see him after what he said but seeing that was even worse. Especially because I knew it was a mockery. I hoped he would realise what he had done and try to amend it. I was desperate to forgive him, to forget about it. But he showed no remorse. It was like seeing him die in front of my eyes.

She felt triumphant and did all she could to ensure I suffered it but I didn’t stop being nice to her. In my eyes it was his fault. Even if she manipulated him to do it, he should have been on my side. If he loved me so much… I stopped believing in it…

They were trying to kick me out of the group, to disappear from their lives… So not only I was going to lose my twin soul but also my friends. And I wasn’t going to tolerate it. So I put a brave face and continued going out with the group… It was torture… Because when she realised it wasn’t working, she went nastier.

She spreaded lies against me and at one point the whole group turned their back to me. I couldn’t believe, after how much I had helped them in the past, after having been so nice to everybody, they just believed that bunch of lies… But I didn’t bite back, I just smiled… Time would prove me right and I wouldn’t waste my energy in that. I kept being nice to her and that made her more and more angry with me.

Things were different with him. I was so hurt that I stopped seeing him, literally. I just didn’t acknowledge him, look through him as he didn’t exist. For me, he was dead. It was the only way I could cope with the pain.

He slowly started to change… He was very hurt with my attitude, I knew he was sorry but he wouldn’t come back and talk to me. He started to defend me with her and the arguments slowly came back, creeping up in their pantomime. But I just wasn’t interested anymore. I just wanted to learn my lesson, heal and go after having proven they weren’t going to make me go. I would go when I wanted. And not because they were mean.

After a year of endurance, my anger turned into sadness and acceptance. I proved my point and I was ready to go. I cried as I never have before and I healed, a little bit… My character matured and hardened, I grew stronger and wiser. I learnt to feel compassion for her because she had a man who didn’t love her, because she had been and was being very unhappy and would have to live with the conscience (if she ever had one) of having broken true love. And prayed for him to find someone who loved him, to be free from this person who didn’t love him enough to want him to be happy. As it would never be me, I wished he could find someone to love, to escape from that misery.

By then I had a new group of friends, and one day without warning I disappeared. A year later I went abroad. Being there, a common friend, told me she had left him for someone else and in less than a month after it, was planning to get married the year after. I felt mortified for him… After all he did for her… But at the same time, I felt happier than ever… Now he had a chance, he was at last free…

One and a half years after that, being back at Christmas to visit my family (I got a job abroad and I was permanently living there), someone suggested why I didn’t meet him and sort out our differences… I had forgiven him already but I was terrified of being mistreated again. I didn’t want him to think I was still after him after what had happened. I didn’t want to be rejected again… I thought it was better just to let it go… But I knew I had something pending… I had to forgive him, to let him know that…

And I contacted him. And we met for a coffee. At first he didn’t believe it… but was so happy… so happy to be accepted again… I am so proud of having given him that gift, I felt so powerful, so great…

We talked about many things. At the beginning he tried to avoid talking about her. But I insisted. We had to clean the wounds once and for all. And then forget about it. He explained many things but we never said anything about our feelings in the open. All we needed to know, we already knew. He just thought it was the best for me even when the way wasn’t the best. At that point in time he didn’t want any relationship. After her, he didn’t have any female friend left either, he just didn’t want to treat or trust women. But he did want to try to be friends with me again…

He gave me his e-mail address and I e-mailed him but he never replied. Time later I found out that, after a few months, he started going out with someone and they seemed to be very happy together. Maybe he only needed my forgiveness to come to terms with the situation or to give women a chance again. I am happy for him. But I don’t deny I’m sad because it could have been me. And I don’t deserve what happened.

She is happily married and expecting a baby. I am glad she is happy away from him. I wish her well but I hope I will never cross paths with her again. I must admit I shiver every time I imagine bumping into her on the street. She took my love away from me, she destroyed our chance in this life and made my life hell. Maybe I did the same to her in other life but I know I wouldn’t do it again. To her or anyone.

Talking about what Aquarian Girl said, I may well have been someone important in a previous life… There is something royal about me… My dad always called me Miss Marquise and said that I hold myself like Ava Gadner when I walk on the street, with that air of self-importance and elegance that only film stars or aristocrats have… In todays society our differences are peanuts. We could have perfectly been together. I know several couples like that… But maybe he is carrying a memory from the past, when I let him down and abandoned him because we didn’t belong to the same social level. Maybe I didn’t fight for him then and that’s why he is not fighting for me now… Maybe I married someone else because it was supposed to be that way, betraying his love… I don’t know…

Any idea of how to break the vicious cycle, how to compensate that karma? Maybe not in this life but we may have an opportunity in another life…

posted September 21, 2004 08:47 PM         

Dean.

posted September 22, 2004 09:32 AM         

the one thing that troubles me about the responses here is a feeling that I get that you all might think I have been sitting here counting my blessings and counting hers and then being all bitter and resentful because hers seem so much higher... NO. NO.NO. NO. NO. Not at all.

My initial question about karma and why she seems to get all the breaks stems from her condemning email, saying I deserve all the bad karma I get and how horrible I am and I brought everything onto myself because I am a horrible person... I felt incredulous! Initially I just felt like "this bloody flippin' vile c___ with no values is going to sit on her high horse and lecture me about what karma I deserve... If I deserve it, what about her??? AAAARRGGHHHH." It made me crazy. I felt so burnt by it. Especially after all the pain I have gone through, to be told I deserve every bit from this caricature, this twat of a human being... ugh. Thats where my question basically came from... Not like "oh poor me, my life is so horrible and I'm this great person, why does this witch have a great life, I deserve her life, poor me, woe is me".... NO... thats not where I was coming from at all... Just to clarify... cause, although I re-read all my responses and I don't get that from what I said... I think maybe some of you interpreted what I have said in that way.

My life is getting back on track. I wish I could respond to everyone, but I really must go to sleep and I work like 10-hr days and it's flat out, non-stop... and definitely no internet time which is why I've been absent from these boards!!!