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Author
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Topic: ~Getting off the Karmic "Payback Wheel"~.
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fayte.m
unregistered
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posted July 11, 2006 09:07 AM
 
~SUFFERING~No I do not believe it is always related to what one gives or causes suffering wise; but perhaps more to "what does not give". And that means even to one's self.  I lived hard and fast and fully before becoming disabled. I have packed perhaps 3 lifetimes into this one to date. Born a natural psychic/medium/trancer etcetera, I did not try to improve on them.
I still helped folks and endeavored to show compassion and all. But I was first and foremost interested in material aquisitions and physical strength, agility, and prowess. I could lift massive weights, have trophies for it too. I even to my horror broke another person's arm in a professional arm wrestling match. That was my last match, by my choice.
I was fit and strong with muscles that obeyed my every command. I could do flips and backflips and put both feet behind my neck. Much more. I was buff and very strong and flexible. No yoga position was beyond me.
But I was neglecting my spiritual/psychic self, going on with only my natural born skills and knowlege. But something was missing. I was not happy.
I wanted more time to devote to that aspect of my being. And I wanted to understand humanity in all its diversity.
I made a serious pact with God.
I heard these words..."It will be the hardest thing you have ever done. You could die. Are you ready?"
I said Yes. 
Three days later I went from athletic, energetic, physically fit.....to suddenly sometimes bedridden and wearing diapers with episodes of paralysis and black blindness. I had left my husband #1. I was living in a trailer with a hole 10 inches by 5 inches near one wall at the ceiling. I had no heat or electricity. I had a mattress on the floor. No fridge or much of anything. Suddenly all I had was my psychic/spiritual world to keep me sane. It was February and very cold. I lived by kerosine lantern and bundled up breathing into my sleeping bag to stay warm. Then my toilet died.(fortunately it was late Spring then) It took me five weeks to dig a new line for the septic tank whilst laying on the ground digging and resting and even sleeping on the ground(too much effort to get up so I slept there) as I slowly dug with a little trowel that trench for a new pipe. Something that in my fit days would have taken only an hour or so took then about 5 weeks on and off. It is strange the meditations one enters during such times, face in the dirt, arm dangling into a trench, utterly broken and exhausted.
Often having to crawl back inside at night as I could not walk. The insights into many things accelerated. Later on with therapy I improved a little physically but was still disabled. I would go to the grocery store after hours and a bar, to dumpster dig. One evening I met another dumpster diver. We divvied up the vegetables and other salvagible eats. She had been a physicist who had had a breakdown and a stroke. Soon the bar owner and grocer begain leaving us stuff in boxes and crates that was not just salvage but honest real non garbage eats. I am still poor but much better off now. I buy people in need a meal when I encounter them in my times I can get out and about.
I cannot save them but I can listen and try to alieviate their suffering even for a moment. I have been suicidal. I can now understand that deep abysmal feeling too. I know what it is like to have much and lose it. Including one's health.
But the treasures I have discovered since are the most valuable of all things. More value than what I perceived as valuable and ultra important before becoming disabled.
So what I am saying is that suffering is not always about having made others to suffer. It may be one has neglected their spiritual life and not helped alieviate suffering in others enough. It also may be a concious pact made with God to facilitate learning and spiritual growth and a wider understanding of the diversities of the human condition.
I do not feel cursed or punished, but blessed. Sure I want my fit body back again. Who knows? Perhaps in time I will.
But I know my priorities now. I treasure life and the little things, the simple pleasures as never before. Just waking up and being able to walk and see is an exquisite joy. I take nothing for granted any longer.
IP: Logged |
Mannu
Knowflake Posts: 45
From: always here and no where
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted July 11, 2006 11:13 AM
Aww Fayte!!! Thanks for pouring out. You expressed your pain so well that I cud feel it too. I will have to stop writing for the moment and sink in that pain for a while  IP: Logged |
salome
unregistered
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posted July 11, 2006 11:32 AM
quote:
Just waking up and being able to walk and see is an exquisite joy.
IP: Logged |
sue g
unregistered
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posted July 11, 2006 12:07 PM
I understand that!After giving birth to our son and being very near to death makes me feel very lucky to be alive now.....it would have been so easy to have slipped away and not had the experience of being his mother.... I thank God for that every day..... IP: Logged |
fayte.m
unregistered
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posted July 11, 2006 12:28 PM
dpIP: Logged |
fayte.m
unregistered
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posted July 11, 2006 12:31 PM
Yes what may appear to be a curse is often a blessing in disguise.
Do we not learn by way of adversity and the trials of living as well as the great (and small) happinessess?
As it is said every cloud has a silver lining.
I suppose I am more a pessimistic optimist than a optimist but I try.
There are times still where it takes every erg of will power to not give up.
I feel as if I cannot go on another moment.
Then blessedly some little thing, a gift comes into my life to remind me how precious life still is for me. One morning recently I awoke but hurt so badly I could barely stand it. My husband had to go to work. I felt so alone there in my bed. I pulled back the curtains and there on a branch outside my window were a pair of mourning doves. They were huddled together in the rain. The male dove flew away and the female dove moved to his spot and buried her head in her wing.
Soon the male came back. He sat with her again. The rain stopped. The sun came out. Their wings dried and I saw then how she could not fly in the rain because her wing was damaged a bit. They flew off together slowly, him not going fast as usual, but slowly along with her.  I struggled up then and got my hot packs and took my anti spasm meds and the phone rang. My beloved was calling from work to see how I was feeling and to tell me he loves me. He asked if I needed him to come home early and take care of me. I said no, you will be home in a few hours. I feel better now. I love you!
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sue g
unregistered
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posted July 11, 2006 12:40 PM
Lovely uplifting story....I love doves.... And to hear people tell each other "I love you" Moving...thankyou....
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Lialei
unregistered
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posted July 11, 2006 10:05 PM
Fayte, you are always my inspiration
and always my hope. thank you for the reminders
I needed to hear on this fateful eve.  cooo  ~Lady Dove IP: Logged |
fayte.m
unregistered
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posted July 12, 2006 12:39 AM
Lady Dove
Milady fair, I salute thee and your amazing strength in times of adversity. You are a survivor.
I admire you muchly.
Love to thee dear one.
Fayte
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~I intend to continue learning forever~"Fayte"
~I am still learning~ Michangelo
The Door to Gnosis is never permanently locked...one only needs the correct keys and passwords.
The pious man with closed eyes can often hold more ego than a proud man with open eyes.
Out of the mouth of babes commeth wisdom that can rival that of sages.
In the rough, or cut and polished..a diamond is still a precious gem.
-NEXUS- IP: Logged |
D for Defiant
Knowflake Posts: 590
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted July 13, 2006 02:11 AM
fayte,   Thanks for sharing your life with us- and the path you've walked on. I'm not even sure if this is appropriate- but this has reminded me of Chrsitopher Reeve, who aspired so much to be able to walk again. I think I would have taken my being able to walk for granted; I think many of us would. It wouldn't make one feel good if s/he became disable, whether physically or mentally. But should one can conquer the trials, turn his/her afflictions into miracles, and perhaps save others, then it is indeed a blessing in disguise. My salute and good wishes to you, fayte  ------------------
May not be able to get back to you...appreciate your say nevertheless...D IP: Logged |
fayte.m
unregistered
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posted July 13, 2006 08:57 AM
Yes I greatly admire Christopher Reeve Another I admire greatly is Stephen Hawking.   For videos and audio downloads and more pictures, see: http://www.psyclops.com/hawking/media/main.shtml  IP: Logged |
Lialei
unregistered
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posted July 14, 2006 12:22 AM
Inspiring indeed. fayte, funny...you've probably seen me in my weakest times, yet regardless you recognize my strength.
Others I've barely shown my weakness, yet seem to define me for whatever weakness I've shown.
thank you. Can't tell you how meaningful that is to me (right now). HSC,
I don't remember mentioning purity here (?)
Although, yes, I do refer to it often I guess. For it being so divine in its vulnerable simplicity.
Innocence that defies all temptation of succumbing to the complexities of the hardening world. I meant storms as a metaphor for Saturn.
Neptune's serene, romantic, ethereal and hopeful beauty, could not exist for Saturn's storms (life's hard, shocking, painful lessons--discord, disruption, etc.) Each in turn, becomes the other and follows the other. Neither will remain. Together are a balance that blossoms expansion onwards.
Each need each other, equally to balance and grow, otherwise there is stagnation. Relationships for example. Storms experienced between people, I've always found more helpful in the end than not. It brings hidden things to light between people. From that there can be understanding and growth. Otherwise feelings are suppressed which leads to stagnancy, which kills the flow of potential. How dull would the spirit be without Fire. (Fire meaning that spark that inspires life force to create and move.
Beauty, Love, Light, yes, surely. But Passion ignites Beauty from the spirit. Sometimes the Passion of Storms. Sometimes the passion of the heartbreaking repressions of Saturn. The cosmic dance of the elements spurring each other into new creation. I know I write in a simple way, and sometimes obscurely. I don't always take (or have) time to explain thoroughly. I don't think about trying to be clever. I suppose I inwardly (perhaps more subconsciously) hope that the obscurity spurs the reader to intuit themselves, from their own heart and perspective. It will be understood or it won't. But this doesn't mean I don't speculate into further ideas or more abstract thought. (Sagiattarius; my head had been spinning, spinning, asking the Universe what it's up to since I was born). My expression doesn't always reveal the more intricate movements of my mind.
...thank you for the kind way you perceived devoutness. It was a nice way to think of it. IP: Logged |
Lialei
unregistered
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posted July 14, 2006 12:38 AM
Stephen Hawking is an amazing and brilliant cat. 
Love his books--The Universe in a Nutshell and a Brief History of Time.
He has that gift, like Carl Sagan had , of making complex astrophysics fascinating and comprehensive for the layman.
IP: Logged |
D for Defiant
Knowflake Posts: 590
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted July 14, 2006 03:46 AM
Lailei I was just going to post a message to you about having tried the whole afternoon in the library, with three different computers, printing out this thread so I could read all your previous posts more conveniently and learn more about what you have shared with us, but something was apparently wrong with the computers, so next time *sigh* I like the way you put your thoughts and feelings into words- I personally don't find it too simple or anything like that. I like the way you share with us and you do have strength. Peace of mind and comforting love ------------------
May not be able to get back to you...appreciate your say nevertheless...D IP: Logged |
D for Defiant
Knowflake Posts: 590
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted July 14, 2006 03:54 AM
fayte Thanks for the link- I've just logged onto it, and will view the videos and listen to the audio later ASAP when I've got more time, coz I have to go offline in a bit for studying depression and basic psychoanalytic theories- big events organized by Taiwan Center for Development of Psychoanalysis (TCDP) coming up at the end of this month. I wrote a poem in rememberance of Christopher Reeve when he had just passed away- perhaps it can still be found at FYWATA. BTW I'm not a pure newbie...I've used three pseudonyms here at LL ages ago, but I was really a pain in the neck back then...anyway, I just want to say that I see beauty in a person's soul, not merely in his/her appearance. True disability, to my mind, is prejudice and intentional malice, blind faith that causes tremendous suffering etc. ------------------
May not be able to get back to you...appreciate your say nevertheless...D IP: Logged |
fayte.m
unregistered
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posted July 14, 2006 06:04 PM
Not ignoring anyone, just not up to posting much today; so I am just chilling out lexigramming instead.
Keep talking!
------------------
~I intend to continue learning forever~Enigma
~I am still learning~ Michangelo
The Door to Gnosis is never permanently locked...one only needs the correct keys and passwords.~Enigma
The pious man with closed eyes can often hold more ego than a proud man with open eyes.~NEXUS
Out of the mouth of babes commeth wisdom that can rival that of sages.~Enigma
In the rough, or cut and polished..a diamond is still a precious gem.
-NEXUS- IP: Logged |
Lialei
unregistered
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posted July 18, 2006 10:52 AM
Thank you, D. IP: Logged |
fayte.m
unregistered
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posted July 18, 2006 01:35 PM
Thank you Lia
Thank you DFD
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~I intend to continue learning forever~Enigma
~I am still learning~ Michangelo
The Door to Gnosis is never permanently locked...one only needs the correct keys and passwords.~Enigma
The pious man with closed eyes can often hold more ego than a proud man with open eyes.~NEXUS
Out of the mouth of babes commeth wisdom that can rival that of sages.~Enigma
In the rough, or cut and polished..a diamond is still a precious gem.
-NEXUS- IP: Logged |
D for Defiant
Knowflake Posts: 590
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted August 03, 2006 12:00 PM
I saw the movie "Lucky Number Sleven" yesterday, although it was released in 2005 in the US, I supposed; but it came out late here. Anyway, I don't mean to be a spoiler, if some of you haven't seen this film...and I was rather startled to realize that I had such "cliched" reaction with a certain sense of "moral superiority" which I usually do not like. It's about the revelations of the story- toward the end, I watch Morgan Freeman's and Sir Ben Kingsley's characters suffer almost exactly the same as the hero's (played by Josh Harnett) father's death, inflicted by the two characters played by Freeman and Kingsley respectively. I watched them struggle til the end of their lives, and I watched that scene with a heavy heart. I thought this was the Karmic Law, the Karmic payback wheel...they did this to Sleven's dad some 20 years before, and now the son of the slain had come back to make them go through exactly what they made his father experience...now it was their turn. I had this heavy feeling as I watched them die. I knew my reaction was strangely cliched, conventional and too morality-oriented...but I could not help thinking "this is about Karma"...and I know it's difficult not to take my own turn when I can demand the one who made me suffer once suffer now, but I should ask myself to think about the consequences- what I inflict upon another will eventually come back to me, and it will double, or triple, or even quadruple...  ------------------
May not be able to get back to you...appreciate your say nevertheless...D IP: Logged |
D for Defiant
Knowflake Posts: 590
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted August 30, 2006 01:48 AM
fayte Lia , Mannu, silverstone, Mirandee, sue g & all you folks,G'day. I've been reading through all your posts and am about to complete my reading "homework" (it's been a pleasure to view the contents of your posts more closely- there's some really good stuff in them)...I will do my best to reply as soon as I can, but the past and the next several days, I may be a bit behind, since school commences tomorrow night, and I've begun looking for a place of my own to live...kind of "busy", I think.But being "busy" is NOT an excuse! I hope I'll be back later, and let you all know what I think about the notions, the ideologies or beliefs, and the experiences you have shared- they are things to be cherished I wish you all more and more peace of mind, and whatever solace you have been seeking ------------------
May not be able to get back to you...appreciate your say nevertheless...D IP: Logged |
fayte.m
unregistered
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posted August 30, 2006 10:33 AM
------------------
Age is a State of Mind. Change Your Mind!
~I intend to continue learning forever~Enigma
~I am still learning~ Michangelo
The Door to Gnosis is never permanently locked...one only needs the correct keys and passwords.~Enigma
The pious man with closed eyes can often hold more ego than a proud man with open eyes.~NEXUS
Out of the mouth of babes commeth wisdom that can rival that of sages.~Enigma
In the rough, or cut and polished..a diamond is still a precious gem.
-NEXUS- IP: Logged |
hippichick
Moderator Posts: 2477
From:
Registered: May 2009
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posted August 30, 2006 11:39 AM
I have enjoyed taking the time out to read this thread and will re-read when I have more patience to sit at the computer and stare at the everglowing monitor (or maybe when I go back to work, I will print it out!)I have been pondering lately if one could "resolve" karma just by letting go, turning the other cheek, etc. As I have posted in a few other threads, I have been trying to correct karma with an angry, hateful ex (Cancer man), but the same stuff keeps happening and he brings me down, oh my, way down!!!!!! So I have had to make the decision to jump off the wheel, as you all speak of, turn the other cheek, forgive and quit doing this to myself and my kids! I have had a problem with knowing when to stop and wondering if the lesson/s have been learned yet, but maybe this is all a lesson in itself. Maybe all can not be resolved in this lifetime (although that is the point, I do not want to do this with him again in another lifetime) but I do feel that I am creating more negative karma by letting him get to me and starting the stuff all over again. Anyway, thank you all for your wise words of wisdom, I have taken to heart, and pray for the strength to keep off of this wheel from which I have lept most recently! IP: Logged |
teaselbaby
Newflake Posts: 5
From: Ohio
Registered: Jul 2009
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posted August 30, 2006 01:59 PM
quote:
Respect is meant as a Mutual exchange.With a special kind of respect for those who are True to the principles they espouse. Who don't attempt to humiliate others to higher themselves. Or mask their vindictiveness with sugary words. Those, who under the most challenging of situations, don't resort to meeting spite with spite, nor ignorance with ignorance.
IP: Logged |
Mannu
Knowflake Posts: 45
From: always here and no where
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted August 30, 2006 02:12 PM
Aww hippichick, Sorry to hear that.
Most American males just give everything to their wife before moving on. Like house, car,etc. That is knowing that they cud always rebuild. I Wonder whats going on with him. Does he think that he is right and you are wrong? And he is not able to let go of that.
D for defiant, Wud love to read ur thoughts as well. Regards, IP: Logged |
hippichick
Moderator Posts: 2477
From:
Registered: May 2009
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posted August 30, 2006 02:36 PM
MannuThank you for your kind words. I think the lesson herein is to let go. Enough is enough. After an awful relationship with him (he is very jealous, suspiscious, emotionally immature, controlling, etc) we attempted a series of friendships. I think that our greatest teachers are those who push our biggest buttons so I was willing time and time again to explore why he was able to furiate a generally peaceful individual. So, then I began to explore the possibility of just letting it all go, but was concerned about leaving unaddressed karma. After recovering from a PTSD flareup, in which I let him trigger in me (spent almost an entire night looking out of my windows because his hateful,venemous verbal declarations left me very scared) I began to search for an answer and that is when I stumbeled upon this thread. I had seen it before, but never read it until today when it jumped right off of the monitor at me, and I read all 170 posts! From the wisdom of all that contributed I am more at ease in letting it all go and not creating more negative karma. Not to mention what the negative energy is doing to my physical and mental health!!! And, yes his ego is hugely involved. He thinks he is this warm, fuzzy Cancer man who wants to take care of everything. What I see is that his ego is satiated from thinking that he is this loving creature when his heart is far away from all of it! My gosh, if love involves emotional terrorism, I want no part of it (that is how I ended up with PTSD in the first place!) Anyway, enough is enough and I am free. Terri IP: Logged | |
Lindaland
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