posted July 16, 2013 11:38 PM            

I don't think she would have died if we'd had the money to take her in to the vet. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think so. And I screwed up when I relaxed a bit, after getting the pills, because she seemed to be doing SO well. She was getting them once a day, mostly, instead of twice, and then she started refusing the others in her food, but I should have kept going. The one infuriating thing - well, more than one: I was going by a specific thing with flax oil, cottage cheese, garlic, flax seeds and cayenne, but the book insisted that it be organic. Tonight, I'm on the internet seeing testimonials, of how these people just gave their dogs flax oil and cottage cheese, and they immediately improved! no special recipe, no nothing.And essiac tea, which the "dog cancer vet" whose book I received for my birthday, said he didn't recommend. Well, it's kept several dogs alive, and one woman said it's kept her dad going for five years, much to the surprise of his doctors. here I am, stupid idiot, making it NOW. It's on the stove, steeping until 8am. I guess I'll drink it myself, or give it to the remaining (two ) dogs in their food.

We *finally* got her the modified citrus pectin last week, when it was supposed to have been ordered in time to be here the week before (my fault, partially). that's also supposed to shrink tumours.

posted July 16, 2013 11:40 PM            

That wasn't supposed to be a smile in my first post header.

posted July 17, 2013 12:51 AM            

As hard as it might be, try to let go of the 'what if's' or 'if only's'. I do believe that when it's a person or animal's time to go, nothing can stop them ... that time never comes too early or late, no matter what we might or might not do for them, it happens when it's supposed to. We are powerless to it and it's not up to us to decide or feel guilty about. You gave her a great life filled with a lot of love...and it was her time to go.

I have an odd suggestion.... find some meditative music, even on youtube, lay down (w/ headphones preferably) and imagine Emily crossing over into a beautiful place, a place that you will meet up with her in some day.. ...even imagine you with her right now and do some creative visualization and letting her know how loved she is, then send her off with love, knowing you will connect again at some point in the future...and that you are never even really apart.

Taking that time to reflect and send her love on her new journey might be best for both of you right now. Don't think of what you didnt do, but everything you did do and how much love was shared between you. I'm sure that's the only thing she will remember anyway - the love from you all.