posted September 05, 2007 01:22 AM            

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BY HELEN KENNEDY
DAILY NEWS STAFF WRITER

Friday, August 24th 2007, 4:00 AM

Mother Teresa, a globally beloved symbol of saintly devotion to the poor, spent her last 50 years secretly struggling with doubts about her faith, her newly published letters show.

"If there be God - please forgive me. When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven, there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives and hurt my very soul," she wrote.

"How painful is this unknown pain - I have no Faith."

The letters paint an astonishing alternate portrait of the nun revered for her selflessness and serenity. In reality, she was tortured for decades by her inability to feel even the smallest glimmer of the Lord's presence.

She felt abandoned by Christ, referred to Jesus as "the Absent One," and called her own smile "a mask."

In the 1960s, after receiving an important prize, she wrote, "This means nothing to me, because I don't have Him."

Sixty-six years worth of her deeply personal letters to superiors and confessors - preserved by the Catholic Church despite her dying wish that they be destroyed - are published in a new book, "Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light," excerpted in Time magazine.

The book is by the Rev. Brian Kolodiejchuk, director of the Mother Teresa Center and the driving force behind efforts to canonize her.

She has already been beatified, the step before formally being declared a saint.

"I've never read a saint's life where the saint has such an intense spiritual darkness. No one knew she was that tormented," Kolodiejchuk said. "It will give a whole new dimension to the way people understand her."

He argues that the depth of her spiritual suffering increases her saintliness.

Most believers suffer from crises of faith, but the duration of Teresa's alienation from Christ seems extreme.

It began, she said, soon after she set up her Missionaries of Charity in Calcutta in the late 1940s to succor India's poor. And it lasted, with only a joyous five-week respite in 1959 when she refound God, until her death at age 87, a decade ago.

"There is such terrible darkness within me, as if everything was dead. It has been like this more or less from the time I started 'the work,'" she wrote in 1953.

After Pope Pius XII died in October 1958, Teresa prayed to him for proof that God was pleased with her work. "Then and there," she rejoiced, "disappeared the long darkness ... that strange suffering of 10 years."

But five weeks later she reported being "in the tunnel" again, and her dark night of the soul never lifted.

The nun, born Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu to ethnic Albanian parents in what is now Macedonia, coped with what she termed her "spiritual dryness" by likening it to Christ's doubt on the cross.

"I have come to love the darkness for I believe now that it is part of a very, very small part of Jesus' darkness & pain on earth," she wrote in 1961.

Teresa was a 36-year-old convent teacher riding on a train in India on Sept. 10, 1946, when she said Christ spoke to her directly, telling her to become a missionary in the slums to help the poorest of the poor.

"Come be My light," is what she heard.

Back then, she felt a deeply personal bond with Jesus, recounting conversations and visions. It was that loss that she mourned the rest of her life, although she never abandoned her work.

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Words of Agony
Excerpts from Mother Teresa's letters: Lord, my God, who am I that You should forsake me? The Child of your Love, and now become as the most hated one, the one You have thrown away as unwanted, unloved. I call, I cling, I want, and there is no One to answer, no One on Whom I can cling, no, No One. Alone. Where is my Faith - even deep down right in there is nothing, but emptiness & darkness. My God, how painful is this unknown pain. I have no Faith. I dare not utter the words & thoughts that crowd in my heart & make me suffer untold agony.

I am told God loves me and yet the reality of darkness & coldness & emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul. Did I make a mistake in surrendering blindly to the Call of the Sacred Heart? - Undated, addressed to Jesus

Please pray specially for me that I may not spoil His work and that Our Lord may show Himself - for there is such terrible darkness within me, as if everything was dead. It has been like this more or less from the time I started "the work." - 1953, to Archbishop Ferdinand Perier

Such deep longing for God - and . . . repulsed - empty - no faith - no love - no zeal. [The saving of] Souls holds no attraction. Heaven means nothing. Pray for me please that I keep smiling at Him in spite of everything.

- 1956, to Perier Jesus has a very special love for you . . . [but] as for me, the silence and the emptiness is so great that I look and do not see, listen and do not hear. The tongue moves [in prayer] but does not speak. - 1979, to the Rev. Michael Van der Peet

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posted September 05, 2007 01:41 AM            

Just because some one wears white sari and remains unmarried and serves the many destitutes does not mean that she is untouched by temptation or feelings of abandonment. It has been very enlightening for me to study these candid letters of the Mother. I am more strong now reading her words. God bless her!!!

posted September 05, 2007 03:31 AM              

I had a powerful spiritual experience as a child, and in prayers generally it was easier to feel 'the Spirit' back then. I think I must have become more 'hard-headed' as I grew older (Linda writes about the pineal gland getting harder with age in Gooberz).. In any case, the powerful feeling I had once or twice wasn't something I could make happen at will. It may be similar to what people feel when they experience 'transcendental meditation'. I don't know.

I experienced that 'tunnel' quite a bit through my teens when I went through something of a religious crisis.

I feel it's all a case of tuning in. You have to tune in with your heart empathically to feel it. Words actually block this 'tuning in'. It's a lot easier if you can remember how to communicate without words.

posted September 05, 2007 06:30 AM              

All you need is love, love

posted September 05, 2007 07:31 AM              

Unless you are a bit more lazy, like me......

posted September 05, 2007 10:37 AM            

I felt what you wrote there very deepy:

Just because some one wears white sari and remains unmarried and serves the many destitutes does not mean that she is untouched by temptation or feelings of abandonment. It has been very enlightening for me to study these candid letters of the Mother. I am more strong now reading her words. God bless her!!!

Thanks!!

Bless You Too, Wise Soul!!!

posted September 05, 2007 12:29 PM              

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Lord, my God, who am I that You should forsake me? The Child of your Love — and now become as the most hated one — the one — You have thrown away as unwanted — unloved. I call, I cling, I want — and there is no One to answer — no One on Whom I can cling — no, No One. — Alone ... Where is my Faith — even deep down right in there is nothing, but emptiness & darkness — My God — how painful is this unknown pain — I have no Faith — I dare not utter the words & thoughts that crowd in my heart — & make me suffer untold agony.

So many unanswered questions live within me afraid to uncover them — because of the blasphemy — If there be God — please forgive me — When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven — there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives & hurt my very soul. — I am told God loves me — and yet the reality of darkness & coldness & emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul. Did I make a mistake in surrendering blindly to the Call of the Sacred Heart?
— addressed to Jesus, at the suggestion of a confessor, undated

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posted September 05, 2007 03:06 PM            

This post Mannu was excellent.

posted September 05, 2007 04:29 PM            

Does it not take a little less pressure off a person?

posted September 05, 2007 08:17 PM              

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Also I think it makes what Mother Teresa did even more impressive - self sacrifice without the reassurance that she is doing it for any personal edification/glory.

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posted September 05, 2007 11:01 PM            

Solane star and Fayte

Heres some famous quotes of the Mother.

Mother Teresa Quotes

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Abortion
The greatest destroyer of peace is abortion because if a mother can kill
her own child, what is left for me to kill you and you to kill me? There
is nothing between.

Actions
It is not the magnitude of our actions but the amount of love that is
put into them that matters.

Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do... but how much
love we put in that action.

Difficult
I think I'm more difficult than critical.

Drop
We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But
the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.

Faith
Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.

Faithfulness
I do not pray for success, I ask for faithfulness.

Forgotten
Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think
that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person
who has nothing to eat.

God's Trust
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish
that He didn't trust me so much.

Hunger
The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.

There is more hunger in the world for love and appreciation in this world than for bread.

Jesus
Each one of them is Jesus in disguise.

Jesus said love one another. He didn't say love the whole world.

Many people mistake our work for our vocation. Our vocation is the love of Jesus.

Joy
Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls.

Judging
If you judge people, you have no time to love them.

Just One
If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one.

Kind Words
Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are
truly endless.

Kingdom of God
Let us more and more insist on raising funds of love, of kindness,
of understanding, of peace. Money will come if we seek first the
Kingdom of God - the rest will be given.

Kingly Act
It is a kingly act to assist the fallen.

Loneliness
Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.

Loneliness is the most terrible poverty.

Love
Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary.
What we need is to love without getting tired.

Good works are links that form a chain of love.

I am not sure exactly what heaven will be like, but I don't know
that when we die and it comes time for God to judge us, he will NOT ask, How many good things have you done in your life?,
rather he will ask, How much LOVE did you put into what you did?

I try to give to the poor people for love what the rich could get for
money. No, I wouldn't touch a leper for a thousand pounds; yet I
willingly cure him for the love of God.

If we want a love message to be heard, it has got to be sent out. To
keep a lamp burning, we have to keep putting oil in it.

Intense love does not measure, it just gives.

Love begins by taking care of the closest ones - the ones at home.

Love is a fruit in season at all times, and within reach of every hand.

Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you
without leaving happier.

The success of love is in the loving - it is not in the result of loving. Of
course it is natural in love to want the best for the other person, but
whether it turns out that way or not does not determine the value of
what we have done.

Miracle
The miracle is not that we do this work, but that we are happy to do it.

Money
Let us not be satisfied with just giving money. Money is not enough,
money can be got, but they need your hearts to love them. So,
spread your love everywhere you go.

Moving
It is impossible to walk rapidly and be unhappy.

Neighbor
I want you to be concerned about your next door neighbor. Do you
know your next door neighbor?

Nobody
One of the greatest diseases is to be nobody to anybody.

Paradox
I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can
be no more hurt, only more love.

Peace
If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong
to each other.

Pencil
We are all pencils in the hand of God.

I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a
love letter to the world.

Person to Person
Do not wait for leaders; do it alone, person to person.

Poverty
It is a poverty to decide that a child must die so that you may live as you wish.
Mother Teresa

Our life of poverty is as necessary as the work itself. Only in heaven
will we see how much we owe to the poor for helping us to love
God better because of them.

We think sometimes that poverty is only being hungry, naked and homeless.
The poverty of being unwanted, unloved and uncared for is the greatest
poverty. We must start in our own homes to remedy this kind of poverty.

Prayer
Sweetest Lord, make me appreciative of the dignity of my high
vocation, and its many responsibilities. Never permit me to disgrace
it by giving way to coldness, unkindness, or impatience.

Rushing
Everybody today seems to be in such a terrible rush, anxious for
greater developments and greater riches and so on, so that children
have very little time for their parents. Parents have very little time for
each other, and in the home begins the disruption of peace of the world.

Silence
We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness.
God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows
in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence...
We need silence to be able to touch souls.

Small Things
We are all pencils in the hand of God.

Smile
Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to
that person, a beautiful thing.

Peace begins with a smile.

Let us always meet each other with a smile, for the smile is the
beginning of love.

We shall never know all the good that a simple smile can do.

Talk
There should be less talk; a preaching point is not a meeting point.
What do you do then? Take a broom and clean someone's house.
That says enough.

Things
There are no great things, only small things with great love. Happy are those.

Touch
Let us touch the dying, the poor, the lonely and the unwanted according
to the graces we have received and let us not be ashamed or slow to
do the humble work.

Unloved
It is easy to love the people far away. It is not always easy to
love those close to us. It is easier to give a cup of rice to relieve
hunger than to relieve the loneliness and pain of someone unloved
in our own home. Bring love into your home for this is where our
love for each other must start.

Unwanted
The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis, but rather the feeling of being unwanted.

Waste
There must be a reason why some people can afford to live well.
They must have worked for it. I only feel angry when I see waste.
When I see people throwing away things that we could use.

We
We, the unwilling,led by the unknowing,are doing the impossible for the
ungrateful. We have done so much,for so long,with so little,we are now
qualified to do anything with nothing.

Words
Words which do not give the light of Christ increase the darkness.

Work
There is always the danger that we may just do the work for the
sake of the work. This is where the respect and the love and the
devotion come in - that we do it to God, to Christ, and that's why
we try to do it as beautifully as possible.

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Mother Teresa 'Do It Anyway'
Sign In Mother Teresa's Office

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People are unreasonable,
illogical, and self-centered,

LOVE THEM ANYWAY

If you do good, people will
accuse you of selfish,
ulterior motives,

DO GOOD ANYWAY

If you are successful, you win
false friends and true enemies,

SUCCEED ANYWAY

The good you do will
be forgotten tomorrow,

DO GOOD ANYWAY

Honesty and frankness
make you vulnerable,

BE HONEST AND FRANK ANYWAY

What you spent years building
may be destroyed overnight,

BUILD ANYWAY

People really need help but
may attack you if you help them,

HELP PEOPLE ANYWAY

Give the world the best you
have and you'll get kicked
in the teeth,

GIVE THE WORLD THE BEST YOU'VE GOT ANYWAY.

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posted September 06, 2007 03:50 AM            

I don't know where it started, but apparently if you are a "good person" you can't be angry or uncertain...?

Aren't all emotions natural, no matter how unsavoury they may be? Is it not ignoring part of yourself if you repress that part of you that wants to throw toys, cry, complain, be envious, fearful, etc.? Of course, it feels better to be happy than too be sad, but if anger has arrived, express it and move on.

Wouldn't a natural person be both yin and yang, a balance of all parts that make up the being, not just the 'approved of' side, i.e. the side that society approves of?

Personally, I am not perfect, and I can live with that. But, the constant "you have to smile and float on a feathery cloud" mentality, in order to be deemed a good person, doesn't ring true to me.

Anger motivates us to stop abuse. Grief motivates us to let go. Envy motivates us to do better, and so on... so...