posted January 19, 2013 08:18 PM            

Here's the one I'm starting off with (that I meant to add to the MIA thread):

A man goes to Heaven with two friends. When they get there they see ducks everywhere. St. Peter informs them that they can do whatever they want but don't step on the ducks.

A week goes by and one man steps on a duck. St. Peter comes out with an ugly woman and says, "This is who you will spend eternity with."

A month later the second man steps on a duck. St. Peter shows up with a hideous woman and again says, "This is who you will spend eternity with."

After a year the third man hadn't stepped on a duck and St. Peter shows up with a gorgeous woman. The man can't believe it and asks, "What could I have done to deserve such a beautiful woman?"

posted January 20, 2013 12:09 PM            

During a religious meeting an attractive young widow leaned too far over the balcony and fell, buther dress caught on a chandelier and held her impended in mid-air. The preacher, of course,immediately noticed the woman’s predicament and called out to his congregation: ”The first person who looks up there is in danger of being punished with blindness.”Mulla Nasrudin, who was in the congregation whispered to the man next to him, ”I THINK I WILL RISK ONE EYE.”

and Osho:

A minister, a priest and a rabbi were discussing how they "divined" what part of the collection money each retained for personal needs and what part was turned in to their respective institutions.

"I draw a line," said the minister, "on the floor. All the money I toss in the air -- what lands to the right of the line I keep, to the left of the line is the Lord's."
The priest nodded, saying, "My system is essentially the same, only I use a circle. What lands inside is mine, outside is his." The rabbi smiled and said, "I do the same thing. I toss all the money into the air and whatever God grabs is his!"

posted January 22, 2013 12:16 AM            

Osho - It happened: Mulla Nasruddin walked into the office of a cemetery and complained to the manager: "I know well that my wife is buried here in your cemetery but I can't find her grave." The manager checked in his register and asked, "What is her name?"
So Mulla said, "Mistress Mulla Nasruddin."

He looked again and he said, "There is no Mistress Mulla Nasruddin, but there is a Mulla Nasruddin." So he said, "We are sorry, it seems something has gone wrong in the register." Nasruddin said, "Nothing is wrong. Where is the grave of Mulla Nasruddin? -- because everything is in my name." Even the grave of his wife!

Possession... everybody goes on trying to possess: the beloved, the lover. This is no longer love. In fact when you possess a person, you hate, you destroy, you kill; you are a murderer. Love should give freedom; love IS freedom. Love will make the beloved more and more free, love will give wings, and love will open the vast sky. It cannot become a prison, an enclosure. But that love you don't know because that happens only when you are aware; that quality of love comes only when there is awareness. You know a love which is a sin, because it comes out of sleep.

posted January 25, 2013 09:36 PM            

If you think you'd like to see this (be warned, South Park tends to have vulgar & crude humor in it) before I share some major spoilers then here it is:
http://www.southparkstudios.com/full-episodes/s01e08-damien

posted January 31, 2013 10:32 AM            

When does a Jewish Fetus become a person?

When he graduates from medical school.

------------------
Passion, Lust, Desire. Check out my journal

posted February 08, 2013 04:52 PM            

Jesus wanted to know what his destiny was, so he went to a palm reader.

posted February 09, 2013 12:12 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by PixieJane:
Someone said he saw this on Facebook:

Jesus wanted to know what his destiny was, so he went to a palm reader.

She nailed it.

---

posted May 18, 2013 05:46 PM            

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through The Afghan desert, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack selling ties.

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!"

"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5."

"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but I must conserve my energy and find water!"

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you don't want to buy a tie from me or threaten my life. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go In Peace."

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.

posted July 10, 2013 04:50 PM            

The doctor says, "Bert, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Bert replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof, the light goes on. When I am done, poof, the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Bert's wife. "Ethel," he says, "Bert's doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof the light goes off?"

posted September 15, 2013 07:13 PM            

When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

posted October 15, 2013 07:14 PM            

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down...

The song leader stood very cautiously, coughed nervously, and squeaked, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'"

posted October 15, 2013 11:44 PM              

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Why do Mormon women stop having kids at 29? Because 30 is too many!

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin'! There's no paper on this side either!"

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband. "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Two nuns were riding their bicycles down the street. The first nun says, "I've never came this way before." The second nun says, "Yeah, it's the cobblestones!"

An Agnostic and an Atheist were married and had a real moral problem on their hands. You see, they couldn't decide which religion not to raise their children in.

A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Two elders were tracting in deepest Africa when they came across a large lion. The elders began to run. The slower of the two realized that he would not be able to out run the lion, he droped to his knees and prayed for heavenly father to convert the lion. When he open his eyes he saw the lion on his knees also and heard him say Father in heaven please bless this food I am about to consume.

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Little Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Jesus walks into a hotel tosses a box of nails on the front desk and says,"Can you put me up for the night?"

At the Last Super, Jesus stands and declares he'll turn the water into wine."No you don't," shouts Judas."Put in 20 shekels like everyone else,"

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ', 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'.
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women giver her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say, "Oh my God...."

A nun says to the Mother Superior,"There's a case of Syphillis in the convent !" Mother Superior says "Thank goodness.I was getting tired of the Chablis."

A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly
across the street from a ***** house.
They witnessed a Protestant Minister lurking about, then ducking into the
house.
"Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those
Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!". They
both shook their heads and continued working.
A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously
and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one was looking.
"Did ya see that, Darby?" Pat asked in shock and disbelief, "Is nothing
holy to those Jewish Rabbis? I just can't understand what the world is
coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the
flesh. 'Tis a shame, I tell ya!".
Not much later a third man, a Catholic Priest, was lurking about the
house, looking around to see if any one was watching, then quietly
sneaking in.
"Oh no, Darby, look!" said Pat, removing his cap, "One of the poor girls
musta died."

A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors.
Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you
have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is
that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."
So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people,
standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.
Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their
heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the
last door.
Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing
waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee.
"Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get
something to drink while Satan closed the door.
A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said,
"Ok, coffee break`s over, back on your heads!"

Sister Mary Katherine walks into Jack's liquor store and says, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."
"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaims Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"
"Oh Jack," she responds, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice drops. "It helps her constipation, you know."
So, Jack sells her the brandy. Later that night as Jack walks home, he passes the convent. Sister Mary Katherine is singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird. A crowd gathers, so Jack pushes through and exclaims, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me the brandy was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"
Sister Mary Katherine replies, "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to sh*t!"

A man walked into a doctors waiting room and saw a nun sitting there crying her eyes out, obviously very upset. When he went into the doctor he asked the good physician why the nun was crying so much. the doctor replied, "I told her she was pregnant." "Good grief," said the guy, "How can that be, since she is a nun?" "She isn't really," said the good doctor, "but it cured her hiccups."

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns. After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him. The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

One day in Sunday school, the teacher was talking about Jesus is to the kids, "Bobby, where is Jesus?" asked the teacher. "Jesus is in heaven." replied Bobby. "Very good!", said the teacher. The teacher then asked a little girl," Where is Jesus, Emily?". Emily said innocently, "Jesus is in my heart!". The teacher beamed at little Emily and said, "How very sweet!!!". The teacher now asked Timmy, "Timmy, where is Jesus?". "Jesus is in my bathroom." he said assuredly. "Please elaborate, Timmy.", the teacher said. Timmy then replied, "Well, every morning my dad gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells. Jesus Christ, are you still in there!!!"

God said to Adam, "I've got some good news and some bad news. First the good news. I have given you a brain and a penis. The bad news... I've only given you enough blood to work one of them at a time!"

Maria is a devout Catholic. (No condoms for her!) She gets married and has 17 children...and then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later...and has 22 children by her second husband. She dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens, and says, "At last...they're finally together." A man standing next to him asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?"
"No," the priest says politely, "I mean her LEGS."

Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.
"I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self-righteously, "Did you?"
"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.
'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'
'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'

Three nuns are talking .The first nun says,"I was cleaning the Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines! I threw them straight In the rubbish."The second nun says,"Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a packet of condoms!" "Oh my!"gasps the first nun."So what did you do?" "I poked holes in them,"replies the second nun."Oh s**t !" says the third nun.

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that ********* thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.

posted November 20, 2013 06:18 PM            

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all ******** ."