posted April 09, 2014 06:30 AM            

I sat beside Granny wondering why he kept rudely glaring at me as he shouted about sinful kids when I was being on my best behavior all prettied up by Granny (including gingham dress Granny had me wear when I almost never wore dresses, and she'd brushed my hair and put it in pigtails herself). I was patient for awhile but as he continued glaring at me while spitting out his fiery sermon I became offended by his rudeness and so grabbed some gummi worms from Granny's purse to chew them up and then stick my tongue out with the chewed up candy worms on them thinking (with the logic of a 13-year-old) that he'd be so disgusted that he'd glare at someone else instead of me.

It didn't work. Instead he acted like he was about having a stroke as he ranted more, I saw people in pews ahead of me turn their head at me and then SMACK! Down came Granny's hand on my leg and I swallowed the gummi worms.

As service let out Granny hurried me to her car but the preacher (who must've taken another door and RAN to catch us) cut us off demanding to know who I was. Granny tried to appeal to his compassionate side by explaining the horrid divorce of my parents (both who grew up in that same town though currently living on the outskirts of Houston) and that I was staying with Granny while that sorted itself out. The preacher was mean to me saying the town didn't accept "punks from the big city" (and btw, not only was I in my Sunday best but I had delayed puberty so I looked like a little girl more than a teenager--and gingham and pigtails!) and how he wasn't going to let me "corrupt this town" with my "big city ways."

I interrupted his rant to ask him if he knew how boring he was which got him into acting like he was about to go into a seizure so Granny dragged me away and he let us go that time. In the car ride home Granny scolded me hard on my impudence and explained why church membership was important, though at one point she said, "But you're 13, what's his excuse? Man of God, my ass." I was very careful not to let her see me smile at that.

And it's true that my behavior cost me in that town, but it also impressed some kids who had to see the girl who talked back to the most popular preacher in town (and some would say most powerful man there) so that I ended up having plenty of friends. They were outcasts like me but they were also a lot more interesting, IMO, some of them idealists who were actually more spiritual and loving and Christian than the churches they despised (others just despised any and all religion). Meanwhile, those who fell in line with the churches (including some adults) spread horrible rumors about me including bearing of false witness (apparently their religion is okay with that) with absurd rumors of me being with devil worshipers (this was mid-90s with the Satanic Panics still lingering in the Bible Belt). One boy, a little older than me, asked me on the bus if I really worshiped the Devil and I said, "Yes, and I cast spells, so shut up." He did, never talking to me again, and he probably mistook my laughing at his reaction and gullibility as the laughter of the "wicked witch" and my cousin and friends thought it was hilarious, too, though older relatives told me to stop adding fuel to the fire.

posted April 09, 2014 11:11 AM            

Holy Spirit-My Teacher-My Guide
My visionary-My Strength-MyHealer

I confess in all honesty, i was filled with the holy spirit yet again and it reflects in my previous post...signs and wonders abound where there is the presence of gods essence-The Holy Ghost.
I reiterate and reinforce my purpose in life as directed by you to me...My curiosity sanctified by your spirit.

2 Listen, O heavens! Pay attention, earth!
This is what the Lord says:
“The children I raised and cared for
have rebelled against me.
3 Even an ox knows its owner,
and a donkey recognizes its master’s care—
but Israel doesn’t know its master.
My people don’t recognize my care for them.”
4 Oh, what a sinful nation they are—
loaded down with a burden of guilt.
They are evil people,
corrupt children who have rejected the Lord.
They have despised the Holy One of Israel
and turned their backs on him.

5 Why do you continue to invite punishment?
Must you rebel forever?
Your head is injured,
and your heart is sick.
6 You are battered from head to foot—
covered with bruises, welts, and infected wounds—
without any soothing ointments or bandages.
7 Your country lies in ruins,
and your towns are burned.
Foreigners plunder your fields before your eyes
and destroy everything they see.
8 Beautiful Jerusalem[b] stands abandoned
like a watchman’s shelter in a vineyard,
like a lean-to in a cucumber field after the harvest,
like a helpless city under siege.
9 If the Lord of Heaven’s Armies
had not spared a few of us,[c]
we would have been wiped out like Sodom,
destroyed like Gomorrah.

10Listen to the Lord, you leaders of “Sodom.”
Listen to the law of our God, people of “Gomorrah.”
11 “What makes you think I want all your sacrifices?”
says the Lord.
“I am sick of your burnt offerings of rams
and the fat of fattened cattle.
I get no pleasure from the blood
of bulls and lambs and goats.
12 When you come to worship me,
who asked you to parade through my courts with all your ceremony?
13 Stop bringing me your meaningless gifts;
the incense of your offerings disgusts me!
As for your celebrations of the new moon and the Sabbath
and your special days for fasting—
they are all sinful and false.
I want no more of your pious meetings.
14 I hate your new moon celebrations and your annual festivals.
They are a burden to me. I cannot stand them!
15 When you lift up your hands in prayer, I will not look.
Though you offer many prayers, I will not listen,
for your hands are covered with the blood of innocent victims.
16 Wash yourselves and be clean!
Get your sins out of my sight.
Give up your evil ways.
17 Learn to do good.
Seek justice.
Help the oppressed.
Defend the cause of orphans.
Fight for the rights of widows.

18 “Come now, let’s settle this,”
says the Lord.
“Though your sins are like scarlet,
I will make them as white as snow.
Though they are red like crimson,
I will make them as white as wool.
19 If you will only obey me,
you will have plenty to eat.
20 But if you turn away and refuse to listen,
you will be devoured by the sword of your enemies.
I, the Lord, have spoken!”

posted April 09, 2014 05:25 PM            

Personally, I love the Book of Isaiah, which is what you referenced above^ (ref, using the first few verses) http://biblehub.com/isaiah/1-2.ht

There are some 'religious' radicalized-political sects (cults) who love to "use" those particular passages in order to "put down" people. It is most non-compassionate, and UN-Christ-like choices in order to spread their messages on unsuspecting victims... "Hiding" behind 'holiness'....

It is the job of The Holy Spirit of God to convinct the Conscience, and not for flawed humans with shadows lurking.

Some individuals (mal-intended) "put on Christ" with the use of Beautiful "Holy" Scriptures (wherever they may be found). Then once they have made entry into the 'sacred' heart of others, they rip and shred. (Some ignorantly in the name of jesus, or whatever spirit they serve.)

It can be almost invisible how the Boundary lines of Ethics and morals can blur and change as personal identities dissolve and adapt to the character of whatever pac-mentality that polarizes or magnetizes them, or repels them, 'as a group'...

'Cheating, lies, and deceptions" will stun the 'prey' and suddenly destroy the sense of safety. It's their strategy, in order to "serve" the wills of unknown hidden 'real' people. Duped.

Personally (for me) I do not think that 'the ends' justifies 'the means'. I think that the means you 'choose' is "the REAL test".... What you think you can achieve through 'the means you choose' can surprise you-- (in good OR bad ways)-- once you've reached the particular horizon.

posted April 09, 2014 06:26 PM            

Loved your descriptions! You're such a good "describer"...

quote:

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I interrupted his rant to ask him if he knew how boring he was which got him into acting like he was about to go into a seizure so Granny dragged me away and he let us go that time.

In the car ride home Granny scolded me hard on my impudence and explained why church membership was important, though at one point she said, "But you're 13, what's his excuse? Man of God, my ass." I was very careful not to let her see me smile at that.

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OH! Right-On, Granny!! *rolling*

I felt angry inside when you told about the townspeople who grouped together to place that kind of burden on you. I like the way you told that boy off... hahahha, yeah like, *Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid*!! Excellent retort on peer one-to-one level with him....

But those batty folk sounded really dangerous, all kidding aside. You know the Things they said to you?, yeah well I was publically 'told off' the sameway, "in a church"-- The itinerate visiting 'man of God' pronouncing to all that I was a witch!!-- then proceeded to 'pray in tongues'! omg... So absurd, but those kinds of experiences can deeply wound.

I faced OPEN public persecution for being a 'white' person (I was new-in-town, yah) worshiping in an all-black church in Detroit! (oh gosh, went from churches that liked half-and-half populations to the discovery of the 'only us' type of church. And I saw the reverse in a rural midatlantic "Pentecostal" church (another new-in-town experience, ohno)... 'something' was bugging me, something wasn't 'right' about the atmosphere-- then I "figured it out".... there were NO blacks and it was a "Pentecostal" place. oh runnnnnn! There's "NO WAY".... the SEGREGATION of black churches versus white churches was A GREAT HUGE GRIEF feeling in my Soul!!! They were only separated locally a short distance away.... HOW???? can you 'separate' the HOLY Spirit of God like that???? To This Day! ----

A few years ago, some radicalized-Christian individuals stood SCREECHING at me, and trying to cast devils out, BECAUSE they "saw" me studying "astrology"[/i] at the city Library. (Was this an intervention? *sarcasm* They had already known me in town for a long time. Maybe it was the Moon, arrooooo! I was sooo grateful when roommate got a computer! I could study in safety... phew!)

(Their extreme behavior alerted the attention of a security guard who pulled up in his golf cart to check and ask me if I'd be okay; actually I was feeling profoundly peaceful and deeply calm.)

I've even been surrounded by a group of hexing wiccans who did the VERY same thing to me, that they were accusing Others of doing to themselves? just unbelievable!!, the devil's devil here. oy

P.J., SOME PEOPLE just need their "scapegoats"... Political, religious, racial, [et al.], or families. Families can hurt the worst of all.

Doesn't matter if they belong to covens, OR church congregations & prayer groups! OR, for that matter, how about even the P.T.A.! segue! *laughing & grinning*

posted April 10, 2014 02:52 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by mirage29:
even the P.T.A.! segue! *laughing & grinning*

(music) HarperValley P.T.A. (Jennie C. Riley) [3:08] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aOZPBUu7Fro

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My mom and granny both would love that. I believe they've both referred to the small town as a "Peyton Place," though I could only surmise what that meant.

quote:

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Originally posted by mirage29:
(clip) Let's Play Church! (Reba Rambo McGuire) sketch from The Bride [8:54] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fm31bFHfqqk

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posted April 10, 2014 03:56 AM            

Over the past hour I went to SweetPeas to read some posts. Every once in a while I'll pop into a single topic there just to make a presence (basically saying hi when I do). Wow there's been a lot going on... I had been posting in milder forums (life got too overwhelming, too hard to concentrate-- only making it through the process still ambulatory, that's it).

A few weeks ago(?) I posted something in a Dancing Maenad topic (about abusers)-- but later feared that my speech had been too strong. That this message was very 'different' from what the rest were posting. But it had been one of the clearest messages I'd ever made, coming forth with such exactness of how I felt about what had happened to me regarding context-issue. Couldn't believe that I'd narrowed it down like that! Shocking my own senses and reading the truth. Next day when others had talked around my post (like I wasn't there) I deleted it from their more uniform posts. My post was on-topic, it's just that others weren't matching the intensity of myself and the OP. Felt awkward, so I deleted. Feels sad to me because it was my 'strength'--- the Line that runs through the core of experiences in that part of life, affecting my conditions now.

I don't mind being teased. I mind being 'used'...

In the 1970s in California there was a 'trick' drivers used to play on hitchhikers. They'd see you and pull to the side of the road. You started to run (with happiness) to their car. Then SUDDENLY as you pull off your backpack they hit the gas and go tearing off, leaving you in their dust. Deliberate. Deliberate cruelty.

Recently I felt emotional shock like that in my life. Felt that someone had 'played' to my hopes. My life has been exceedingly dark and caught in a rut. I caught signs that help would be coming... Then like a filthy booger of the tip of their nail, they 'flicked' me. It's been DECADES since I was 'treated' like that. Boys, teens-- they used to do that.... Like I said, it's been a long time and I am aging, and feeling it smartly lately. LESSON that I won't forget... and I'm reminded of 'place'.

"This" was the 'plan' my parents had had for me.... to live in a tower then jump off and die, floating down the stream looking lovely but alas not-alive. Some others have seen my chart and wag their heads and say it's a bad chart, you may as well just 'give up' on any kind of dream. Foolish. I'm not set up for success. I fight the notion. I feel like a boat load of useless chaotic trash to them. And maybe I'm rotting and will 'not' have a chance... Some creatures are born to live but their baby inside can't make it through the process and life becomes still and rots out its mother.

posted April 10, 2014 04:27 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by mirage29:
PixieJane.... I'm sooo glad you liked the comedy excerpt "Let's Play Church"-- I find it ragingly funny. But it's sorta more an 'insiders' view. The performer just tears it up-- BRUTAL with honesty. Yep, what she and those dolls were acting was TRUTH about the churches (at least the groups I had given my heart to participate in). (1988 through 2011).

Saying good night...

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Thought I'd share this, the "pagan field guide":
http://www.witchvox.com/va/dt_va.html?a=usfl&c=wars&id=2099

posted April 10, 2014 03:32 PM            

...especially liked the one that reads... Knows every note of "Carmina Burana" I experienced a brief stay at a local women's shelter about twelve years ago. In order to deal with the constant bullshoot + strong bullying there, I immersed myself in Carmina Burana (CD player + earbuds). I guess parts of it get 'loud' and they could hear faint muted melodies at those sections. Well! Somebody started a rumor that spread throughout the dorm that I was the devil (of course!? 'because' I was listening to 'devilish' music!? okay, makes sense, huh?). You know, I enjoyed a few days of peace because they ALLLLL just 'left me be'... Gave me all the privacy I needed trying to adjust to my surroundings. They didn't want to get 'whammied', oh-BOOO! *Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid* LOL!!!

(clip) Wednesday Addams' creepy smile [:20] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=buZZyUBwymA

(music) O Fortuna, CARMINA BURANA (Carl Orff) [2:34] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5pjUcyF9nM

posted April 10, 2014 10:53 PM            

quote:

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life got too overwhelming, too hard to concentrate-- only making it through the process still ambulatory, that's it

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Being Ambulatory sounds good to me.

quote:

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Recently I felt emotional edit....

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Don't give yourself away to emotions!
Don't let emotions overwhelm you.
Don't let emotions control your life.
Keep emotions under check and in your grip!

Surviving Abuse
This is the game. Learn it, know it, understand it. -Jarryd

"In order to escape accountability for his crimes, the perpetrator does everything in his power to promote forgetting. Secrecy and silence are the perpetrator's first line of defense. If secrecy fails, the perpetrator attacks the credibility of his victim. If he cannot silence her absolutely, he tries to make sure that no one listens. To this end, he marshals an impressive array of arguments, from the most blatant denial to the most sophisticated and elegant rationalization. After every atrocity one can expect to hear the same predictable apologies: it never happened; the victim lies; the victim exaggerates; the victim brought it upon herself; and in any case it is time to forget the past and move on. The more powerful the perpetrator, the greater his prerogative to name and define reality, and the more completely his arguments prevail."

posted April 10, 2014 11:27 PM            

quote:

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I don't mind being teased. I mind being 'EDIT'...

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posted April 11, 2014 04:18 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by rajji:
Dint you read my thread-why Reincarnation is a lie? May be it can give you some clues:

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I haven't read it yet...{EDIT 4/11} I will read it through soon, when I'm more refreshed. (I should be in bed for the night right now.)

I am indeed familiar with Judith Herman's work. But it's been a handful of years since I read it. I have an impression that I had liked her book. (I dislike the fluffier self-help type books.) I know I had that book in my small library collection, but since I had to give away 90% of my books, I don't if hers got tossed or saved. I'll have to go through my storage boxes again anyways, so I'll see if I find it. Throughout times of my life I've owned a rich number of high-quality wonderful collections of research. It's been a heart-wrenching disappointment to give these up. I hope I'm not going to have to purge and 'slaughter' more off my tinier more condensed selections.

I want to think some more about what you're saying above, so we can discuss it better later.

Till the next time, good night.

posted April 11, 2014 07:08 PM            

Again, I'm making it clear that I am NOT a radicalized extremist "Fundi" (now that I learned what that term means!) .... disclaimer! disclaimer!

I feel that it's so nice to find and connect with a fellow traveler on this Interkosmic Bridge.

What Joy!

posted April 13, 2014 05:22 AM            

You mentioned April Child Abuse Awareness month. Perhaps I was wrong when I assumed you were outside the USA. You 'act' like a foreigner, have eastern-like name, but then smack of radical extremist political (Newtown Shooting) philosophies. AS I mentioned before, I don't like it when I feel like I'm being toyed with or "used."

I've been "told" and witnessed some really wild philosophies and beliefs before, and I'm usually willing to LISTEN for a suspended amount of time--

I DO look at the INSTRUMENT as well as effect... The ends do NOT justify means here for me. I don't like that, please.

posted April 13, 2014 05:34 AM            

Please pray protection blessings here, okay? AND for my physical health-- this is hard on my body.... (if you remember how badly the 'vibrations' of equipment affect me... some of you have been with me on this a while..... THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH.)

please, and strength for my body.

posted April 16, 2014 08:08 AM            

Come back home...keep the candle of Faith Burning.Everything else will get settled.

“God will not look you over for medals, degrees or diplomas but for scars.”
― Elbert Hubbard

posted April 17, 2014 10:56 PM            

Can't adequately describe the flurry of reactions I feel-- I'm very deeply proud at what crime-fighting teams accomplish 'suddenly' here. It's slow, but/AND it's happening. Please continue prayers for me?

posted April 18, 2014 06:00 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by mirage29:

Please pray protection blessings here, okay? AND for my physical health-- this is hard on my body....

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