posted October 23, 2015 07:58 PM            

I've been going through a hard time myself.

The disappointments I have faced have been exquisite... The kind that makes everything you've ever thought you knew about life and being/becoming a success feel like the pinned, capsuled and paralyzed state inbetween waking and dreaming, and you hold in an un-reconciled hover-stuckness there.

What I'm feeling right now is similar to the 'sense' in this dream I had long ago.

quote:

---

excerpt from my dream, The Hell Hole http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum15/HTML/003118.html
...
this 'hell hole' centrifuge-ride got started.

the ride spinned faster and faster... until suddenly by surprise the floor drops out from under you!
you're caught in position... sticking to the walls, even slipping down a bit towards the bottom of a pit....
and you feel pinned, paralyzed, shocked, and powerless to have any effect except to 'breathe' for your own self and safety, and to only be and stay-alive 'for yourself' and your own sake....

in the dream i kept trying to help others be comfortable when the spin started... before the floor dropped out. then it got gruesome.

the only thing left for me to do for others was to look at my neighbor by my side going through these same things and to LOOK very deeply into their EYES and TRY to anchor their consciousness and to encourage them with my eyes to be brave....
But it was all about Endurance now
.......... and seemed like it was eternal.

as the dream continued,
this 'ride' morphed and turned into the 'space shuttle'.... we were blasting into space (while i and others were still pinned to the walls of this centrifuge-ride).
i looked up...... and i saw the deep calm and vastness of a black universe, with the stars like flecks of diamonds...
we were in a tube, pinned... but the nose (window, cockpit) door was 'open'... and you could 'see' the night...

it was like the movie with Jodie Foster....
/(end of dream)

---

And after seeing your comment, all I have to offer is what I did in this dream-- and that is, to be Brave and Courageous.

posted October 23, 2015 10:23 PM            

*hug*

Sounds totally wretched!

Is it because of transits or something happening in your life? Both I guess?

I need to catch up with you here...I was out most of the day. Will pray for you. Maybe God is there listening. *wink*

Much love & see you tomorrow. Hang in there! The transiting Pisces moon doesn't last forever (I swear this is the suckiest moon ever, sometimes...I swear....)

PS Editing as I'm scatterbrained...

posted October 26, 2015 02:56 PM            

Which is actually a pretty wonderful thing for me because I'm not used to people being really truly interested in how *I* feel... or maybe I just 'feel' like that because it's so hard for me to let another human being INTO the realms of my ordinary "personal-life" emotions.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE 'being there' for others, but can't seem to allow others to be there for me 'in the way that I need a little help in a personal touch.'

Do you follow any of Debra Silverman's 'tubes? Love her frankness and her sense of humor. She did a good one for Scorpio Sun Moon in Aries for past two days. She goes, CALL me! And I think yes, I'd like to, but I can't 'afford' you. LOL... Yep, I talk right out loud at them, sometimes. I'm sure she's attracting much business right now-- and she deserves to... Love her approach.

The kind of "love" I generally perceive that's 'out there' is usually extremely critical of me and HARD. And that's how the relationship between my mother and I was. Our Venus Taurus's were conjunct one other's... strange.

Her Mars conjunct my unaspected Sun (with squishysquare to Neptune 10th ~~ which would represent my Dad, in that house).

She was a scary woman, who would slap and hit out-of-the-blue, "just in case" is what she'd say (like, she could read you were having a bad thought about her. I remember her doing that to my brother at the dinner table once, and my father continually did nothing to reprimand her).

Her Sun was Gemini around 22+ degrees (fascinating how the fixed star there and some of my asteroids describe the despair and rejection I went through with her). Not to mention my squares with Mars Cancer to my IC, and my Moon.
Her moon was first part of (for her, a spoiled and narcissistic) Leo (putting her in my 8th).

Her asteroid 10895 AynRand was ON my Moon Virgo. She was sooo completely aloof and 'available' to me, plus made certain that my own father would NOT be able to have a caring relationship to me. It was like a barbed-wire fence, and SHE would need to be present there, to monitor it (I think she was afraid I'd 'complain' about her, LOL). (He DID stop her physically abusing me around age 13, but "other" things got REALLY worse. She allowed my brothers to attack me instead, and she would stand there arms crossed and leer. Thing is that ALL THREE wound up being wife-beaters, no duh???? One became an inspirational speaker and admitted to it in public. Well, maybe duh as in dysfunctional??)
... Any talks that she would 'caught' my father and I having, meant punishing-behaviors from her to him. Yes, I'll call him a wimp~~ but I KNOW he wasn't!

My dad had a Sun-Jupiter PARTILE conjunction at 3+ degrees of Scorpio, and ADD to that combination a Venus Libra 27+ ... So he had a "Sun Jupiter Venus conjunction" .... Pretty amazing to find all this out now.
... I have Neptune in Libra 10th?... and they say that a person with this placement had a charming charismatic father-----
... See how that "fits?" in the natal astrology?! Even the aviation-connection is in there. Cool... So, it's his birthday anniversary date tomorrow. (I found out he had passed a handful of years ago. Even though I hadn't contacted him in a decade, it still profoundly impacted me. Loss of a Father... even though his care was amiss, I do actually know he loved me--- just didn't know "how" to love a Daughter whose mother had terrible jealousies against.)

She was tittytough HARD and could NOT give me the emotional-connection I needed in life. She would grab the phone from me when friends DARED to call, and she'd tell them that 'I don't deserve friends', and then HUNG UP (not particularly helpful for my popularity just beginning high school, then-- word got out, and I was ostracized instead of pitied and defended).

No hugs, no affection--- and I'm soooooo sensitive. I'd read how a Venus Taurus child NEEDS the tangible hugs and touches and care in order to thrive. I might have had some of that initially in my life through grands and aunts, but then when my mom 'saw' that I preferred them to her, she stopped them. Then, there was a HUGE extended family fight, and my father relocated us 400 miles south of where I was born. (This 'shifted' my IC/MC axis to Pisces/Virgo. One with Pisces on IC 'belongs to the Universe'.) And I mention all this astrology because it's whelming HOW TRUE some of the writings are about Sag Asc children. (I'm floored how right they were.)

My own mother literally told me I was an unattractive person, and in my teen years told me that I was ugly (Mommy Dearest-- Much-later in life, she said her reasoning for that was so I wouldn't grow up to be 'vain'.... Well yeah~mom?, thanks, that everyday I look in the mirror, I'm seeing what is ugly and imperfect about me, rather than the things attractive. ~~
... Especially now, while I'm looking more worn, and definitely starting-in with the body-changes that happen when you get inevitably-older, no matter 'how youthful' and buoyant my Gemmy-Sag, Mercury Gem in the 7th, and Jupiter-Uranus Cancer Sextile the Moon energies are.

I adored my mother, even though she factually DID NOT like me and made sure I knew that. When I watched the movie A.I. and got to the part of David's Perfect Day towards the end, it was a surreal depiction of part of the emotional-experience I'd had with my own mother. She was cold, uncaring, unresponsive, yet very beautiful to me-- and I was her 'servant' no, 'slave' in that house, who worked hard for little reward... (Except the rewards I gave MY own SELF for doing a good job around the house, and making super-good grades in school... till my Senior year-- went from straight-A's to D's and F's. Almost dropped out, if it wasn't for "music" choir every day, I WOULD have, easily.) -- I enjoyed being of service, I'm a naturally hard-working person, not lazy).

I mean, I can keep lying to myself and say that I'm okay--- and on one hand I REALLY AM okay, yet deep inside my emotional-being I have been languishing. I feel deserted, and slashed-brutalized emotionally by some exquisite and undeserved mean treatments (not LL) this past year. I always chose the 'Higher road'....

I'm trying to hurry this post because our washer broke down, and the repair-guy is due at the door in the hour.

My rm has been especially-cold to me recently, and does these little passive-aggressive things to ~like-punish me for things that I am not responsible for. I'd brought that up to him once, and he openly admitted he does that TO me, but that it's MY responsibility not to take his behavior 'personally' when he does it... *eek*

Now, I can do that when my emotional-shields are strong and up-- but I've been depleted right now.

And it's so interesting to me that he is a 'touch-phobic' type of person (avoids accidental touching in small kitchen we maneuver; and he sleeps in the nude because he doesn't even like the feeling of cloth against his body-- in the winter he only uses a sheet for cover).

I as you know, I *deal* with SOOOOO much here, physically with the sonics (not just woofers, but ancient refrige compressors, etc).
... And it's worn me out right now.
... I give myself high credits for being a pretty-tough cookie, and tolerant of soooo much; but sometimes, those tolerance abilities get EXTRA-stressed when I am emotionally having extra-sensitive times.

Another video person I watch is Kaypacha... He talked recently about people whose soul decides that it's time to check-out of the body, through developing a fatal physical disease.... I DO NOT WANT that happening to me, but sometimes feel in SUCH woes that I've caught myself trying to have a convo with God to ask for way out now. Of course, AFTERWARDS, I have the discussion, O hey-God? If you have anything GOOD LINED UP for me, then PLEASE CANCEL that desire-prayer.

(humorously):
Someone else talked about Gemini's keeping people on a *shift*-List? Well omg!!! I don't think I've had a 'conscious' experience of doing that? But what a scathingly delicious idea that is for me, right now! Yes, I think I'll start one of those! LOL LMAO ... Dear God-Santa, I have a few people right now who rightly-deserve a dump a Coal into their stocking-wishes this winter?!.... LMAO,
... nah!!! I'm too nice for that.... But karma's a great bieatch, so be warned~~~ *Alien, Santa* (pssst, I've got in's with this reindeer-guy named asteroid Rudolph!!! Yes, very close to my Magnanimity asteroid and a few from the southnode H7!!! *he's in my partner-house, and we watch each other's back* LOL)

I started typing this "around" little rainbows from a visual-migraine I had this morning. hmmmmm, repair guy is late!!! almost mid-afternoon now.

I got a phone call from the new doctor's office about blood tests, and they want to lower my Synthroid because they said another part of my brain is overworking to produce hormone for it, and that the thyroid needs to produce 'for itself'....
... Well duh?? My body ALSO produces self-attack-substances AGAINST the thyroid organ (Did you know that Mercury rules the thyroid gland). My body is trying to reject it as a foreign object in the body that must be killed (like organ-rejection).
... These people are NOT thyroid experts, and the thyroid expert I had had died after he had straitened me out back in early 2000s (He had written the books doctors study-- Had a wonderful touch. He was very old).
... But I am *at the mercy of* these medical newbies now, who "think" they know, but don't. These new so-called "doctors"?... are actually a group of nurses that are referred to "as doctors" not because of a degree they hold, but using the 'language' that they "doctor" people... without an MD or DO license.
... This is a US state you don't want to have anything 'wrong' or to be a 'complicated' (sensitive) person to treat. They just do NOT draw in the talent, nor have the expertise in their medical school trainings here yet (even though they sorely wish for that to happen).
... They have a crop of newbies now-- people with (the pride and superiority arrogance of?) head-knowledge without benefit of good-tutored experience.
... Maybe this is VERY good for the wave of 'regular' people, especially since this new place I go to 'specializes' in treating the new immigrants to the country and people without insurance coverage--- They were the only medical place accepting Medicare patients when I NEEDED to have a physician's script for Synthroid-- nurses are "allowed" to write prescriptions now. So, I was caught with 'nothing'
but "having" to accept these as my medical-treaters.

... So...... Here I go doing the thyroid-levels going up-down-ohno dance, ONE MORE TIME. I'm just sooooooo tired.

Oh, and would you believe that this teat-hard nurse I talked to today was sorta-accusing me of being a "closet-alcoholic?"... JAWDROP--Yes, I'm NOT kidding you!!!!

Apparently my liver enzymes are very elevated (hey~~~ I'm taking a lot of tielonols trying to 'deal' with my environmental issues???, and I TOLD them that???), indicating TO THEM that of course I MUST BE overdosing on 'alcohol' -----

Well, maybe THEY dooo get a lot of alcholics/drugaddicts in this clinic??? But I am NOT one of those, but being suspected as one. Dang, I wish I COULD drink right now, because I could use that kind of escape and relaxations from stress....

(humor) Yeah, like I'm desperate!!? (well, actually, it IS actually life-death hormone replacement, but forgo that).
... So! ~Ya gonna take Synthroid and Nexium away from me because you think I'm Addicted it???? o my freaking g!
... Synthroid is a freakin' HORMONE and not a "Classified drug," you inept clinic-people!! *slaps forehead* And the REASON I need the stomach-acid reducers?? IS because I gotta deal with people like them, and my 'hood AS WELL!! C'mon now.....
... It's not good to be upset chronically every single day you open your eyes to live another day. And I'm constantly trying to 'suppress' my reactions to things because there's NOTHING ELSE I CAN freakin' DO except 'suppress'-things, okay??? (Not yelling at you, Faith, but to the Air-beings!! LOL)
... I have NO ABILITY to escape this environment that would not be, to me (in hard-reality), the equivalent of jumping out of the frying-pan INTO the fire--- again, for the last time in my life. omg, that would literally kill me. I mean sheesh---- I've been here a screwin' almost NINE freakin' years, WITH NO visible progress nor tangible hopeful signs that anything is happening to-that-end for me now....

*honk*--- **o would ya pass me that towel again* wringing it! I can be sooo pathetic!! (yet funny).

Typing at the keyboard here with an extended-arms length so tears don't short out my ONLY means of communicating with someone that 'Cares about me' -----

oooooo, Thank you soooo much Faith. I HATE to be a downer to you? But God, I could use a REAL friend, and some real tangible hugs right now, and it's just soooo far from me getting it. It's like that Hermit-Song by Samuel Barber---- Alone, I came into this world; alone, I shall go from it. (I'm at least VERY glad I have a semi-tangible friend on the ethers!!! You ACTUALLY respond to me, Faith! And I appreciate that sooo much! LOL)

Some people GO to a monastery to live a lonely life... And I LIVE one at all times in my Being, while out smiling at people, and giving THEM hugs and encouragements. And with me, I direly remain with such anguish-- a world where I am 'not' touched at all. A Giver, not receiving....

(music) The Desire For Hermitage (Samuel Barber, Hermit Songs, Op.29 No.10; Barbara Bonney) [3:37] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ucQ1Pfg_VVs

So, THIS POST will PROBABLY look like a huge back-n-forth mess??? ... I'm emotionally venting.

But I will leave this without too much proofreading.... Just typing away ferociously, until the repair guy gets here. (He's LATE!!~~ am I surprised?..hmmmm)

So, I've been very reminded about my being cut-away from those I love with my emotional and romantic-psychebeing... (this has been 'the transit energies' in the past month... and now, here we are in the dark Scorpio-zones once more).

I'm OKAY, Faith... I just want to say I'm Okay, and that GOD will take care of things, I know this. Yet at the HUMAN relationships realms, I am as far away as the outer-planets can be. Tiny, invisible to the naked-eyes, but soooo strong a presence.

Your universal-Love Pisces Moon (in MY interc natal 3rd), opposite from mine in Virgo, drawns me down into the feelings of my real and actual local earthlife. The cusp there for me is in Aquarius 25+, which enables me to USE my Neptune Libra 10th and my Mercury-SN Gemini. Your Capricorn Sun is EXACTLY on the cusp of my 2nd House, where I have asteroids Manwe, Chariklo, Amarevella, Hermes and a host of other Destinn'y places in the Spirit-realms.

I hope that you are doing okay....

Moving?... arrgh. That must be sooo hard, psychologically right now. I hope you'll be able to create MUCH happiness for your upcoming holidays? Will you be relocated for your Christmas?... What a way to 'begin' again, just before your birthday, and during a really sacred and warm and loving time of year.

I HATE feeling as though I've laid some emotional burdens on you here---- because I KNOW THAT things are tough for YOU right now too. I would want to be the one comforting YOU, instead of you to me.... So in one way, I apologize so much, and I really do want to thank you for being 'a friend' to me right now. I hate stressing people out. I've always felt like it's MY joy and job to help others de-stress.

So! ~~ I'll close this post with a Christmas Song. Christmas was so special when I was younger... You KNOW I love those lights, the glitter and wonder. It's soooo Beautiful. Sacred to me, and esthetically so rich. It's what I have now, to be able to remind me what Love is capable of doing... Even for Dicken's Scrooge!

Turn-arounds ARE possible. Let's hope that in this season they will be GOOD ones for us, Faith. Whether your poor or your rich, Christmas is a Common Meeting-Place in the Heart of people with Love.

posted October 26, 2015 08:24 PM            

Thanks mirage! I'm glad you are okay. Maybe not feeling wonderful, but...okay is...okay!

Please never apologize for telling me how your life is, I'm always honored when anyone opens up to me, and it's a real gift to see what people are actually going through. It's a "reality check" and helps my own sense of reality. Too often people just try to live an illusion and pay lip service to that? Plus, it's true, you are always the one helping people, and I think most of us who know your kindness are always eager to return the favor, when possible.

The only bad thing is, I'm soooo sad that you experienced that with your mother. Heartbreaking, really.

Please leave your post up, at least for a while. I want to respond more in depth when I get time.

I've been praying for you (really! getting into prayer again) and hope it helps.

See you soon, be good to yourself.

posted October 26, 2015 09:13 PM            

I appreciate your prayers, Faith, so much! Maybe it's one of the reasons I'm able to begin to emotionally safely get down to what's REALLY there to unthaw and look at.

I won't change or delete my post... (unless it's to ADD, or use a better word choice-- but for now, leaving it as-is).

Dealing a lot with the nurturing energies. I like to listen to Terrence Guadiarmo [astro-counselor](I think that's how it's spelled? I'll check it tomorrow maybe.) His 'tube for Capricorn month of November helped me a LOT!... Helped me get in touch with some of these things I'm dealing with right now.

(Capricorns are my "houses" right now... yours would be the Leo houses, of course. Have you settled on a natal Time yet?... I'm still looking at you having 10 Leo Rising.)

And with you being a Cappy Sun, I can feel lucky that I'm listening for the BOTH of us... Just like rm is late Gemini-ASC, with sometimes Cancer-asc for his chart. When I listen to Gemini Solar, I'm listening to HIS 'scope as well. (I'm the Capricorn rising houses, until next month where I'll have to toggle back and forth between Sagittarius and Capricorn, then some just plain have to figure it out for myself.)

The repair guy came, and he fixed the problem pretty fast. I did his chart, and OMG!!! I'll talk about him and his story later, if there's time or energy for it. We have soooo much we like to discuss between each other's interests!! No time for the 29+ Scorpio Sun-Moon House 9, and Saturn-Mercury 14+ Sag h10... Today the t Sun was ON his Neptune Scorpio 8th.... Told me some pretty amazing stories of unheard-Lucky fortunes in his life. Been happily married to another Scorpio for decades... -- he's got Quintiles! *eek*

And, I circled 13 Quintiles and biQuintiles in his Natal-Transits while he fixed my washer today. He told me he's been even~spooky fortunate in his lifetime. Has won BIG lottery prizes ($50,000 once, 10,000 another, and recently 1,000). He's had accidents that he's walked away unscathed with-- like unbelievable miracles. He said, it was like there was somebody watching over his life!... Well, he's got his P.o.Fortune ON his Ascendant 11.42' Aquarius. He'll be coming up on his Jupiter return at 21.58' Libra h8.

And he's telling me all this being so direct (not dramatized) and not revealing emotions... This guy is buttoned-down. Progressed he's got it going on in Capricorn. His luck has been outstanding (I won't talk about them here).

He said he thinks the key to his luck has been that he is a Giver-- he and his wife have donated moneys to families who never knew who blessed them.

I gave him a copy of his chart and transits. he was very interested to hear, and said he's never heard anyone being so thorough as I had been. (Other's had done his chart for him in the past.) I LOVED doing it.

I told him that I was giving him his chart as MY way of Giving, too... That maybe I'd win a scholarship to get my Certification some day~~ That felt good.

Yes, see you soon~~ God willin' and the woofers stay moderated.

posted October 27, 2015 05:49 AM            

quote:

---

Some people GO to a monastery to live a lonely life... And I LIVE one at all times in my Being, while out smiling at people, and giving THEM hugs and encouragements. And with me, I direly remain with such anguish-- a world where I am 'not' touched at all. A Giver, not receiving....

---

^^A world I have known far too often over many lives... and I have certainly been no stranger to that even in this life.

...Well that's a Capricorn moon for yea, back to work for me I suppose...

Extends prodigious claw...(Scissor hand)

[Hugs]

::Returns to sculpting Ice::
http://youtu.be/64IwbhFYuUM?list=PLZbXA4lyCtqpGLynU_482rqcd3bfDBlL1

For his Ice Queen...

(sry for dropping in unannounced btw)

posted October 27, 2015 12:10 PM            

Sometimes the 'rest of the world' just don't "get" what people who have experienced prolonged and MASSIVE Pain in their lives 'feel'....

Thank you so much for the [hug]...

You know, I thought it was interesting how his fingerblades had cut a swath across her palm which bled. Marriage is just a contract. But making a Covenant with someone involves sacrifice and the shedding and merging of Blood and WHOLE lives-- not just tiny pieces and loopholes where people can easily bale at the first signs of Mercury gone retrograde.

I think that there are Soul Covenants-- some people make Contracts, and others are Covenant-Keepers, staying in through thick and thin.... and supported and upheld by their Community.

... I feel massively-alone today, and so filled with pain. (It's pain anniversary times on me again, every time the year changes to Scorpio. I 'feel' that I just can't win... Feelings can be deceptive. It's soooooooooooo nice to be in a small group of people and to TRUST that not everyone in this world is OUT on the TAKE from me. I've dealt with MANY dangerously-jealous female-energies in this lifetime, who will work overtime to MAKE SURE that NOTHING I do will come to fruition for me.... The 'feminine' in my life has been out to secretly destroy ANY HAPPINESS I could find-- and it brought 'her' pleasure to watch me dying.

I don't know what plans God has for me right now. I KNOW that God loves me. I know that there are a couple people who stick by my soul, but the MASSIVE MASSIVE HURTS that been assailed by hidden enemies of my life I just cannot figure in a world that for me should comprise of mercy, grace, and compassionate caring.

(Today is the birth anniversary of the father who 'allowed' my mother to abuse his kids--- Today, I DARE to say to his memory that HE couldn't Man-up to protect what was innocent. You HUGE ~wimp! You sorry loser!! You won that beatch, but caused massive failures--- I WAS the innocent who was Sacrificed for the appeasing of the Dark-woman who called herself my mother...... --------{please don't whole-quote this particular paragraph} )

It's times like this, where I learned from the Eclipse at 29 Pisces last spring, that I have a Heavenly Woman in the atmosphere... Who experienced grave hurt and sorrows in her own life---- shaking my head, not fully understanding what the Will of God is for real. All I know is how abandoned I've been, how abandoned I 'feel' right now, and how MASSIVELY TRAGIC my ENTIRE Life has been...

Every day, I do to this church, where there's a GIANT crucifix that so-totally reminds me of the astrological symbol for Neptune--- it's just the perfect shape, with the body of a dying savior there. His mother is depicted in a statue below, with a knife stuck into her chest... St John the Beloved, the Revelator, the author of Book of the Apocalyptic Vision, has his scroll and plume in hand, with an eagle with wings spread at his feet.

For the Visitation of Mercury ON my asteroid having to do with being in-and-out of sorrows, approaching my Urania then Neptune 10th, ON my Father's Birthday.......

His Sun is degree before my Juno. But I never realized until today how his Sun squared my Chiron...

posted October 27, 2015 12:30 PM            

And being present with you...

Egads I'm a little choked up and don't know how to write....!

This is just say I'm listening ~ I need to clear my physical and emotional space before I reply more fully. Kids running around making noise and I can't really think straight.

Hugs from me, too.

And that was so sweet of you, LK.

All are welcome to join this conversation, if they like. It's a free-for-all.

posted October 27, 2015 12:44 PM            

quote:

---

Synthroid is a freakin' HORMONE and not a "Classified drug," you inept clinic-people!! *slaps forehead* And the REASON I need the stomach-acid reducers?? IS because I gotta deal with people like them, and my 'hood AS WELL!! C'mon now.....

---

"C'mon now..."

So freaking hilarious.

Though I'm sorry about the Synthroid, I didn't know you were on that. My brother takes it, life-or-death for him too.

posted October 28, 2015 05:23 AM            

The smallest gestures can mean a world of difference at times, and one aspect of knowing more sorrow than happiness can be a deep appreciation and true understanding of the simplest joys that so many people take for granted...

I tend to focus alot on my own creativity to get by, like Edward... very little else works for me. For the snow in my world has never melted... but that just means an unlimited pile of Ice to sculpt...

Not sure if you would like this but you might enjoy it...

Hp Lovecraft's (The Outsider) (18mins long) http://youtu.be/vnZeCXQ0jNE

^^Short story read as an audio book...!

I love it!

posted October 28, 2015 08:40 AM            

Reading you again, mirage...so much richness and variety and uninhibited expression (!)...I wish I knew where to begin.

Well first off with another thing that cracked me up:

"Someone else talked about Gemini's keeping people on a *shift*-List? Well omg!!! I don't think I've had a 'conscious' experience of doing that? But what a scathingly delicious idea that is for me, right now! Yes, I think I'll start one of those! LOL LMAO ... Dear God-Santa, I have a few people right now who rightly-deserve a dump a Coal into their stocking-wishes this winter?!.... LMAO"

Though I am so terribly sorry that you have had to deal with some of the worst forms of incompetence (doctors and "caregivers") and cruelty (within your family.) I was on the verge of crying reading about it...went for a long walk up and down our long country road to process out some of the despair I felt...I just hate for any children to be treated that way, and especially the sensitive ones! (Your Taurus Venus.)

Another odd thing? The birthdays in your family are mirroring the ones in mine...as you know, your sun is conjunct my grandmother's (though she was May 30)...HER father was an early Scorpio, and such an influential one, he had a huge impact on my life, because of the long fallout of his decisions. Even though he died 50 years before I was born.

Then, your mother's birthday is near my maternal grandmother's, she was a third decan Gemini. I don't know what happened between her and my mother, but let's just say, my mother harbored a great deal of pain from that relationship.

Oh and you being hurt by your three brothers, and me being hurt by my older brothers...though we are completely at peace now and I feel bad for mentioning it...truth is this was a terrible ordeal for me when I was little. And my mother always took their side............uhhhhh I forgive you, Mom.....

Forgiveness is like the multi-tool you need to get through life, I'm thinking...

I'm just so sorry you feel so much at the end of your rope, wanting to just get this whole earth shtick out of the way...but on the other hand, I'm honestly exactly like you...it seems. Well I'm heading into my 40's now and looking at what I've got going for me and seeing the very tiny supply of freedom at the bottom of my barrel, and getting pretty discouraged about that. I'd love to have big hopes and aspirations and roar into this decade flying high but....nah.

Just finished the book Proof of Heaven and that is putting a little fairy dust in my brain and making me think better things are possible. I highly recommend that book if you can get your hands on it. My copy's from the library.

One thing that intrigues me there is, he describes the hellish realm as having coarse, metallic, incessant beats that physically grate up against you...reminds me of your hood, you know? And you fight back in your own way with more heavenly-type music...seems a battle of song.

Speaking of that...thank you for this beautiful Samuel Barber song. Not my usual style...but I like adjusting my preferences and feeling what other preferences feel like...because I can.

Thinking of you ~ sorry for not being able to keep up more thoroughly ~ though I've read your posts a few times and savored and sympathize.

Be safe, & hope you can be happy today, too.

posted October 29, 2015 12:55 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Lei_Kuei:
The smallest gestures can mean a world of difference at times, and one aspect of knowing more sorrow than happiness can be a deep appreciation and true understanding of the simplest joys that so many people take for granted...

I tend to focus alot on my own creativity to get by, like Edward... very little else works for me.

For the snow in my world has never melted... but that just means an unlimited pile of Ice to sculpt... *bounce*

Not sure if you would like this but you might enjoy it...
Hp Lovecraft's (The Outsider)

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You are sooo indeed Kind to me, LK. And I did enjoy that audio book-- thanks so much!

In fact, I dug up his bio on astrodienst, and with understanding 'his past' I listened to the story a second time, putting what I knew of his historical past WITHIN the metaphorical understanding of this, his story.

He was a person who created metaphors that matched his sensory experience with a poetic sense, describing all the things that had happened to him (and which STILL redounded without extinguishment).

Different 'events' are folded (like in cooking) into the batter, and battering of soul, he endured.

It's senseless tragedy when any outside-people Will to hurt the-inside-man of any human living on this earth. Everyone has an equal right and deserve to live happy.... It is most-unfortunate when a human being is cruelly denied their rights because of usurping by insensitive and CRUEL Other humans....

{{{ }}} And yes, a gifted Scissorhands (from the single clip I saw-- I'll have to see the whole movie)-- but any soul hurt so massively that they weren't even deemed worth of being called "human" is tragedy. Blessings occur when the special eyes of someone who can See and appreciated his art, danced and had joy as his magical ability to take all the cuttings in his soul were able to craft awe and massive Beauty, as a partaker-and-recipient in the shared-moment.

Thank you, for being Who you are... You brought me moments of Caring and Joy. It mattered to me sooo much that I mattered to you.

Here's the Lovecraft short bio... http://www.astro.com/astro-databank/Lovecraft,_H.P.

posted October 29, 2015 04:23 PM            

And I recall now something you had shared about your brothers... So devastating that your co-female in the house, your mother, betrayed you so. AND, I'm glad for you that your reconciliations happened. Your Life will turn out healthier in the long run.

And about that 'bottom of the barrel' you feel?... In a few years from now, that may change for you.

Borrow the book by Barbara Hand Clow, Liquid Light of Sex, and study what she says about mid-life transits, and the Uranus Opp Uranus... This may REALLY help you manage some things, even right now.

posted October 30, 2015 12:19 AM            

^^Clearly I read and enjoy far too much of his New England prose.

And You are quite Welcome Mirage, glad that I could share something however small… that even if only for a while, brightened up your day to let the Sun shine through… <3

For much like the character in the Story, sometimes that’s all a person wants… just to atleast know that there is warmth in the world… and not be crippled by the maddening notion that all Light and Life has faded from view.

Though even in Horror, and our darkest days… Beauty lingers just the same, and when I think of Lovecraft… I feel his name alone says it all, we can craft the light of our own souls no matter how much darkness surrounds us, and such shines Immortal and Evermore <3

It’s almost Samhain / Halloween… Since I could be busy tomorrow, let me greet both Faith and yourself with my warmest regards this Hallow’s Eve!

Btw Mirage - IIRC… you liked Fiddler on the Roof the musical….?
Well here is a Lovecraft rendition of “If I were a Rich man…”

(If I were a Deep One…!) So funny! http://youtu.be/nFzdIaBnckg

posted October 30, 2015 11:28 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Lei_Kuei:
It’s almost Samhain / Halloween… Since I could be busy tomorrow, let me greet both Faith and yourself with my warmest regards this Hallow’s Eve!

---

Thank you, and likewise, LK.

Be back soon, mirage.

Hope you both are well.

posted October 30, 2015 04:38 PM            

Speaking of Halloween, does it creep you out that I have Uranus-Hekate at 6 Scorpio, right near Halloween's degrees, apex of yod with Gemini Psyche and Aries Black Moon Lilith?

If you ever thought of me and saw that ^^^ welllll...Uranus-Hekate yods have to mean something....

quote:

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Originally posted by mirage29:
AND, I'm glad for you that your reconciliations happened. Your Life will turn out healthier in the long run.

---

Thank you...yes...it helps, maybe, to not live anywhere near most of my family? Absence makes the heart grow fonder, that kinda thing?

You know it's just weird how family can be toxic and how we may need our space from them to heal....you know.

But we are all just people, so it's like the same rules apply with family as with others: if we don't connect healthfully, or well, but can only aggravate each other, what's the sense in keeping it up, for ages?

quote:

---

Originally posted by mirage29:
Borrow the book by Barbara Hand Clow, Liquid Light of Sex, and study what she says about mid-life transits, and the Uranus Opp Uranus... This may REALLY help you manage some things, even right now.

---

Whoa with a title like that? Yes I would love to read it! Not sure where I can find it but...will try and keep a "sticky" note in my brain.

quote:

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Originally posted by mirage29:
Don't know if you've seen this other website--
I like Celestia's work on Saturn, and the Nodes.

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Oh wow....immediately saw this...

quote:

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When God created recess he made the Saturn in Leo kids stay in and write “I am the loving child of a Harsh Dictator God” 20 times on the blackboard.

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...and had myself a good laugh!!! TRUE.

Oh but yikes, it makes us sound like bad parents....and very loaded down with serious issues...and Stephen King-like...and and and...hey did I mention my Saturn is only at 0 Leo, and Rx, kinda shy and hiding out in the 12H, barely there?

quote:

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With Saturn in Leo, father is everything and the father must be redeemed. This is a tremendous task of the will, a solar journey to the outer edges of the universe, a heroic venture of mythic proportions. What does this really mean … to redeem something?

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Hmm! So much to think about there, I really appreciate the link...makes me sad...but I don't run away from things just because they make me sad...I just need to re-visit them in a more robust mood.

So, are you okay, today?

Which transits are affecting you most strongly now, do you think? Tr NN is ambling towards your moon, I would imagine that's Something? Maybe that's one reason you have femininity in your mind and mention this often lately...hmmm...

I have more to post here later, religious music and pictures, in keeping with the OP. Not sure if anyone's interested but it's a way of thinking out loud.

Happy All Saints Day...

posted October 30, 2015 10:45 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Faith:
How's everything lately, mirage?

Speaking of Halloween, does it creep you out that I have Uranus-Hekate at 6 Scorpio, right near Halloween's degrees, apex of yod with Gemini Psyche and Aries Black Moon Lilith?

If you ever thought of me and saw that ^^^ welllll...Uranus-Hekate yods have to mean something....

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Just makes you MORE Cool! *thumbsup*

quote:

---

I have more to post here later, religious music and pictures, in keeping with the OP. Not sure if anyone's interested but it's a way of thinking out loud.

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YES!! Please do. Very sorry for derailing your thread...

Lei_Kuei *GIANT HUG*!!!
The Cthuthulu video is a RIOT! ... "Gets to eat the tourists!!" hahahah

posted October 31, 2015 08:08 PM            

Thank you so much, mirage! Phenomenal reading!! I've been kinda short on time today, not to mention slightly crazy (tr Cancer moon blazing through my 12H, trying to unravel me)... but I can't wait to dive in when I get more time, and feel less pathetic.

Stay safe! No ghouls, no goblins, just candy and more candy...

posted November 01, 2015 09:47 AM            

Now I'm mystified because I said I couldn't wait to talk about it more...why remove it?

Trying to push boulders uphill all my life...

Forget it.

It was nice talking with you.