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posted September 12, 2020 11:21 PM            

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Okay. Getting there. Finally.
So what I did next was just write. Compulsively, for hours a day, only stopping when my hand started cramping up. It started with a letter, then just kind of flowed right into ‘what just happened and how?’ followed by a deep dive into my own past, all the significant people I’ve encountered over the years, looking with fresh eyes at the patterns, the lessons learned, the way I would go from receiving those lessons in one context to passing them on in another. Part of what I was trying to figure out is, why did I say what I said to S about anything more being too hard to let go of? Because actually, it’s not something that I have often had trouble with in the past, it’s just what I have become accustomed to more recently. There have been plenty of times that I was perfectly content to enjoy whatever situation I was in, knowing and accepting that it is what and when it is. Why would I assume myself incapable of doing so now? And really, why would I even regard physical intimacy as some sort of clearly defined boundary? Because it turned out that the sense of mental withdrawal was far more painful than I had expected: I really did think that we could keep that part at least, and I still don’t really understand what’s behind the silence, but I just have to let it go.
At some point during all this cathartic journaling, I was inspired to dig out another book I had barely opened in years— Chakras: Energy Centers of Transformation, by Harish Johari. Many years ago I had been taking Kundalini yoga classes; this book was given to me by my teacher when she moved to the West coast. One of her more advanced students took over teaching the class after she left, and I just couldn’t bring myself to continue— something about the sound of this woman’s voice just grated on my nerves, and I could never seem to get into the right way of being there anymore. So I’ve had this book on my shelf for over 12 years, and I’ve taken it out and looked at it from time to time, but it never really ‘spoke’ to me the way it did this time. A few things I came across immediately clicked into place with the current scenario, so as I was going farther back into my past I was looking at these patterns of relationships in terms of the dominant energy expressed through them, the different forms of expression of love as they relate to energy centers over the course of a person’s evolution.
Oh my goodness, I almost forgot! I made it sound like the letter to S just kind of naturally segued into the journaling, but that’s not quite right. They did flow together to some extent; at certain points I’d find myself saying “I already told you this story; here’s the context for it” or “Okay, this next part has nothing to do with you; you can go back to being a framing device.” But actually, I wrote the letter and set it aside, intending to give it to him when he came to get his stuff. A few days later, I woke up at 2 am with this intense feeling of... pressure, impending danger, free-floating anxiety verging on panic... which I immediately latched onto interpreting as worry about S. In trying to tease this apart and make sense of it, the phrase “Armed with full knowledge” came into my head, along with an intense but fleeting sense of deja vu. That’s what inspired me to start writing: “Okay, I don’t know what I know, so I guess there’s only one way to find out.”

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posted September 13, 2020 12:21 AM            

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Does starting with a digression make it any less of a digression? And what is it with me and that word, anyway? I have long believed that deja vu is the shadow of a memory of a precognitive dream. The only evidence I have for that is the fact that it accompanied the only true memory of a precognitive dream I’ve ever had. I’m starting to think that I have misinterpreted this, but I am nonetheless fully convinced that deja vu is a special momentary state of mind outside of linear time, a way of telling yourself to pay attention.
So I wrote, and wrote, and wrote, 65 pages in less than a week, more than I’ve written in the whole past decade. I was thinking about chakras and energy flow in the context of emotional growth, and I kind of got stuck with the third chakra. Authority, power, control, status, wealth— none of the values associated with the third chakra in my readings really held much resonance for me. Then all of a sudden it occurred to me to ask: “What’s the difference between AUTONOMY and AUTHORITY?” At that moment it was like my brain kicked into a higher gear, and... my pen ran out of ink. Just as I was circling page number 66.
Again, that same sense of pressure, urgency, impending catastrophe, but this time all my own, not felt as directed at or about S. It really seemed as if there was some external force trying to prevent me from following these thoughts to their logical conclusion. I knew I was bound to lose some of it if I tried to keep it only in my mind, and since I couldn’t keep writing my immediate instinct was to call S and tell him everything that was going through my mind. After all, the writing had started out as a substitute for talking to him!
Unfortunately, a strange quirk of geography means I have to drive several miles to get cell reception. Unfortunately, the power company had scheduled a 6-hour outage to work on their infrastructure the night before, and when the power came back on there was constant static coming through our landline. I was thinking about going out to make a call, checked the clock and saw it was just a couple of minutes before midnight, and all of a sudden making that call felt more urgent than ever. So I grabbed my cell phone; the battery was dead, so I grabbed a charger too and hopped in the car. It’s about a quarter-mile from the house to the mailbox; by the time I got there I realized that the charger cord wasn’t working and the gas tank was on empty, so I just gave up and turned around. But I was still on the verge of panicking, because it really seemed as if something was actively working to prevent me from communicating.

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posted September 13, 2020 02:52 AM            

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hi. I briefly skimmed through, and was pleased at some of the points you were asking yourself, the fervor called to cohabit the present. Seems as if your Kundalini energy is active and has been moving through your chakras for repair and intense healing, releasing buildup, reprogramming the vessel to host more and more light... Chance you ever notice energy loosely buzzing (would feel like wave of pricks) within your body, perhaps in a particular area?

felt called to make a comment 👋🏽 when I was reminded, there was a “power outage” in my dream last night (also a ‘linga’ but that's fairly common these days) 🙏🏽

in the midst of brilliance, find/invoke/consume water. ☯️ great writing and godspeed

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posted September 13, 2020 10:30 AM            

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Thanks, Vansio! Yes, that’s exactly it... Kundalini awakening and Akashic records are the concepts that resonate with what’s been happening. Not sure if/how the two are connected, though. I haven’t quite gotten to the main point of all this yet, but there’s more to come involving power outages and electrical storms. Yes definitely to the feeling energy— sometimes spontaneously, almost always within a few seconds if I deliberately focus attention on my spine, crown or 3rd eye. Bringing it into my hands takes a lot more concentration. Thanks for the tip about water — it’s definitely something I’ve been seeking out without really thinking about it. I’ve found a lovely power spot, 3 tiers of waterfall with little bathing pools in between and old stone foundations from probably a hundred years ago; I go there alone or with my kids every chance I get!

Edit/update: about a month after writing this, it’s not true at all... not that I’ve been trying. To clarify, the hands part was with help of guided meditation (10 min/morning). Other than that, it was kind of like how sometimes you can’t help but poke a bruise or run your fingers across some scar tissue, just to check in and see what it feels like. Then I started getting headaches, so I left it alone. ‘Checked in’ with 3rd eye spot once while driving— Bad Idea! Also bad: alcohol as sleep aide. 4-6 hours a night, physical exercise a must if I want to eat & sleep plenty (which I do). Other physical symptoms worth mentioning: brief, intense cravings for seaweed, miso, fish, flax oil. Excema/psoriasis/rash of some sort; stye in left eye. Foot cramps started up again shortly before, one of 2 flare-ups after happened today (10/8). Also coldness in fingers, ringing in ears ( all on left side) have had occasional flare-ups but decreased from pre ‘peak’. These are all things I have seen mentioned on various threads that I never really paid attention to before. If anyone has suggestions on what specifically these symptoms correlate to, I would love to know. Others: what I mentioned with ‘checking in’ while driving: a feeling I have felt before, and someone else mentioned it recently — not carsick, just a little out of sync with your body... anyone? That’s something that used to happen pretty often before. Also occasional twitches in left eye.

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posted September 13, 2020 01:08 PM            

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Stay Safe!
Agree with Vansio about your writing.
Marvelous story ..

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posted September 14, 2020 04:03 PM            

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quote:

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Originally posted by mirage29:
Stay Safe!
Agree with Vansio about your writing.
Marvelous story ..

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posted September 15, 2020 01:51 PM            

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Very expressive writing.

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posted September 16, 2020 06:23 AM            

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Expressive, expulsive, compulsive... Thanks for bearing with me, y’all.

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posted September 16, 2020 05:34 PM            

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Ouch. Just re-reading and realizing how I already said what I should have known all along, with the snakebite thing, about my own need to feel needed and take care of people. It absolutely comes from genuine love, it’s just way too easy to let that Venus-south node energy bleed over in the wrong context. I was thinking about the parallels between the only two long-term relationships I’ve been in, and now I’m thinking that in both cases there must have been a mutual confusion of romance and healing impulses. Not a fun combo. I REALLY need to remember the mushroom burn.

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posted September 16, 2020 05:34 PM            

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🍄🔥🍄🔥🍄

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posted September 16, 2020 11:48 PM            

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Okay. So. I’m tearing down the driveway, gravel flying everywhere and practically hyperventilating, and all of a sudden it’s just like the drive to the hospital: S saying “Slow down, you’re scaring me! It hurts like hell, but I’m not gonna die unless we crash.” So I slowed right down with my breathing and took my foot off the gas pedal, then reached out my hand and I swear I felt a presence there! Visualization has never come easily to me in the sense of “seeing” a picture in my mind; I guess I’ve never tried that hard to be honest, but for a few minutes it really felt like there was someone there.

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posted September 17, 2020 12:36 AM            

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As soon as I got home, I kicked my boots off and plunked down in the yard— still feeling like I was holding the hand of this presence which I envisioned as S— and settled in and started chanting. It didn’t feel like long at all before I was clear-headed enough to wonder, “Why am I focusing all of this on *you* right now? This is for everybody!” So I put out this mental call to B —because I knew how much he must be hurting, and I do love him even if I can barely stand to be around him sometimes— and then I ‘saw’ a line from one of my old poems: “All things take with one hand and give with the other, like the Earth our mother.” I remembered that it’s supposed to be that way in Reiki, so as I called all of our families into the circle I just kind of arranged everyone in the way that felt right. Then, of course, since I had been so recently and thoroughly rummaging through my own past in search of everyone I’ve ever loved, it was suddenly so easy to envision them all just ever so slightly present...
This is where I find myself laughing hysterically, kicking my feet and digging my toes in the mud and waving my arms in this big gathering gesture, going “Everybody, everybody, come on, get in the circle! Oh, this is gonna be so much fun!” I’m laughing now as I type; I fell flat on my face dancing in the dark and almost broke the monkey swing...

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posted September 17, 2020 12:36 AM            

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🌘🌑🌒🌓🌔🌕🌖🌗

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posted September 17, 2020 12:40 AM            

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What’s with the doubling? My bad I guess...

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posted September 17, 2020 07:59 AM            

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It's one of the charming little glitchy things that happens around here.

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posted September 17, 2020 08:56 AM            

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Charming and glitchy... a match made in heaven!

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posted September 17, 2020 01:35 PM            

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If you don't see your post, refresh the page. It's there. The server isn't glitchy, as far as I know. It's probably the local WiFi and internet. More people are at home with home schooling and lock-downs, so it stresses the networks.

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posted September 17, 2020 01:58 PM            

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I’m Glitchy — pleased to meet you!

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posted September 18, 2020 03:28 AM              

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Welcome Chanterelle,

Don't have much to say, but thought it interesting the Monroe Institute mention as I attended the Gateway Voyage a number of years ago. Interesting place for sure.

(I also briefly lived with an intentional community not far from same, but don't want to mention the name in public).

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posted September 18, 2020 07:46 AM            

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Ugh. Doubt sucks. Compassion sucks too almost. How do you know when it’s appropriate to put your own needs first, and when it isn’t. B is finally ready for the one-on-one, in-person conversation I was asking for 3 weeks ago, but now I’m not ready. I can’t even think about him without crying right now. And it’s not because I miss him.

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posted September 19, 2020 11:52 AM            

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Chanterelle,

Wow! You are a wonderful writer, and
I think we're all waiting for more...

Doubt, yup, it sucks!
It keeps miracles from manifesting...

You're on a magical trip right now,
which shall lead you to the knowing
you so much desire!

------------------
All my love, with all my Heart
lotusheartone/Emeraldopal

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posted September 27, 2020 01:16 AM            

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Thank you, lotusheartone, your voice makes me smile even when I don’t get it because I think of the song ‘Scarlet Begonias’. (I’m very new to this site, barely lurked for a moment before I started brain-dumping, but I have been doing a fair amount of digging through old posts). I think I’m remembering that it was multiple posts using the word ‘filter’ that caught my attention.
I feel like... not Scarlett O’Hara, that other character— Stella, from A Streetcar Named Desire. “I have always depended upon the kindness of strangers.”
I got such good medicine last weekend, literally howling in the woods with a beautiful gathering of strangers! But my head has been spinning in so many directions ever since, and I must admit that there are things I’ve been neglecting. Lots of them. And never the time, it seems, to focus on any one of them long enough to pick up momentum.

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posted September 27, 2020 02:13 AM            

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A while back I found a set of Green Man Tree Oracle cards in the re-use shed at the recycling center. I’ve only opened the box twice; the first time I read through the introductory portion of the accompanying book, then drew three cards without a specific question in mind. I drew Oak, Apple, and Gooseberry— all of which have varying connections with fate and ancestral wisdom. This was the week before the thing with scattering ashes. Last weekend, after my ‘doubt sucks’ post, I failed to get in touch with B and thus ended up postponing the meeting I wasn’t ready for. I went camping over the weekend, brought the cards and pulled one for the first time with a question in mind: “Should B and I try to live together under the same roof again?” I kept shuffling until a card stuck, literally, and it was the Alder, Fearn. It represents protection and defense, in a feminine mode: the tree from which the first man came, as opposed to the more masculine protective energy of the Rowan (from whence came the first woman, they say.) It said something along the lines of, “To let down one’s defenses is to dishonor one’s own power.” It’s funny, I said in a different post that I was trying to cultivate the image of a firm but gracious mental doorkeeper: I wasn’t feeling good about my walls. I clearly need them, though.
I’ve been feeling guilty about the fact that I kicked him out and he’s literally left with nothing. But I’m also resentful of the fact that I’m left holding the bag with everything in it: I’m homeschooling 4 kids, trying to work 2 days a week if the weather happens to align with my mom’s schedule, I just had to pay $14 of my last $60 to get a replacement title for ‘his’ car and cancel the insurance so I can sell it for scrap for barely enough to cover the parking tickets it accrued after he left it broke down by the side of the road. And he tells me I’m ‘not a nice girl.’ No **** !

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posted September 27, 2020 11:47 AM            

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It is truly astounding to me the depth of misunderstanding and contrary memories there are to unearth. Little things that made a huge impact on me that he literally does not remember, and conversations in which I thought I was being perfectly clear, which he saw as cryptic and incomplete. Or just one phrase that stands out in memory, with no clear context. It really feels pointless to even try to communicate.

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posted September 28, 2020 11:09 PM            

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Apologies in my late response..
life=file had me very busy...

I think you are at a point in your life?,
where you are truly trying to find
yourself..your true Self..to know what
you truly need..and what you should do..
Life gives us all a lot of tests..your
desire to know shall bring you the
answers you so much need...

Chanterelle, you're a beautiful Soul..
Love and Magic is all around you...
Enjoy, see and here the signs, they are
truly coming...

P.S. Any news of S?

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All my love, with all my Heart
lotusheartone/Emeraldopal

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