posted April 01, 2010 09:56 AM         

quote:

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Well, i do have to say that maturity and age do help. Immensely.

I was out of home and responsible for myself at 15 and was living the life of a 25yr old (the age i am now), having to think like an adult and being responsible for myself gave me skills that put me far ahead of my peers in terms of social development etc

On the other hand, the things that i know now that i gained from 10 years of hard, heartbreaking experiences...if i could go back to my 15yr old self and say, "Girl, no matter what DO NOT believe what any guy says, not all friends are true, that only person you need to love and trust is yourself, etc etc"...well my life would be a helluva lot different now.

This is why I'm going to be a good mother to my children and why I'm the best big sister to my 15yr old sister and everyone else in my life.

Wisdom comes with age and maturity cos that's when you look back at your life and go, "Ohhh right, NOW i see it for what it was"

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I admire you very much Diablo.

posted April 01, 2010 12:26 PM         

possible aspects that make me unable to be expressive,

virgo moon kinkunx saturn
moon in 8h
trine uranus
square mars

saturn in 1H.
stellium in the 10H.

aqua asc
sun/mars 11H.

posted April 01, 2010 12:35 PM         

Honestly, the comment of mine that you quoted on was exactly what you were trying to say after it:

My conclusion to intimacy is to try to know myself so I don't have hidden corners.
The road in ---is the hardest road,I think.
I have tried the road out--with relationships, possessions etc .
Who I am --has to be defined by me.
When it is, I can share it with another.
If not, it is neurosis conjunct Ascendent and square Midheaven

No, its definitely not neurosis lol. Far from it. You have your stuff together and you are RIGHT on the money on that one. That is exactly how i feel about my life experiences, all those roads i tried..boyfriends, sex, partying, clubbing, stripping, drugs etc etc. I've always said, my past has made me who i am but it does not define who i am today.

Whenever i'm seeing a guy and he says something like, "Oh, i don't care about your past, it doesn't matter now etc etc" like its a bad thing, I get offended and immediately am turned off. I am PROUD of what i have gone through and how its made me the person i am today and comments like that say to me, "You are only good enough now"..and that's not good enough for me. I am good before during and after, LOL.

posted April 01, 2010 01:44 PM         

quote:

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Ami, you are such a wise and old soul. You are so introspective, like Carl Jung and I learn a lot from your musings and intrapersonal reflections..it must be the Mars in Cancer we both have

Honestly, the comment of mine that you quoted on was exactly what you were trying to say after it:

My conclusion to intimacy is to try to know myself so I don't have hidden corners.
The road in ---is the hardest road,I think.
I have tried the road out--with relationships, possessions etc .
Who I am --has to be defined by me.
When it is, I can share it with another.
If not, it is neurosis conjunct Ascendent and square Midheaven

No, its definitely not neurosis lol. Far from it. You have your stuff together and you are RIGHT on the money on that one. That is exactly how i feel about my life experiences, all those roads i tried..boyfriends, sex, partying, clubbing, stripping, drugs etc etc. I've always said, my past has made me who i am but it does not define who i am today.

Whenever i'm seeing a guy and he says something like, "Oh, i don't care about your past, it doesn't matter now etc etc" like its a bad thing, I get offended and immediately am turned off. I am PROUD of what i have gone through and how its made me the person i am today and comments like that say to me, "You are only good enough now"..and that's not good enough for me. I am good before during and after, LOL.

I feel like i have finally defined who i am and now i am ready to share it with another.

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You made me cry,((Diablo)))
I want to share two things that happened.They are a compass for me.
I prayed ,fervently, to God to show me what to do in my life cuz I am at a crossroads.
I was asking WHAT to do in my outer circumstances.
I thought God was not there cuz I couldn't hear.
Then, I got an deep impression of the answer.
I saw a caterpillar in a cocoon.
If SOMEONE tries to cut it out--it will die. It has to EAT it's way out by itself.
*I* have to get rid of the distortions i.e that I am worthless, not important, not worth loving,not worth taking care of.
*I* have to eat my way out.

posted April 01, 2010 02:26 PM         

quote:

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BM--what I am getting at is "How does the Venus energy feel to you?"
I try to feel the energies. That is how Astrology seems to make sense to me.

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Its one of the few lighter placements of my chart (its in the 5th) so I don't think I can tell you how it feels, just how it works. The energy just doesn't come naturally since it isn't connected to anything else in my chart besides my Eros and Libra MC. I have to consciously use it everywhere else besides work.

Hah, another (trivial) example of my UnAspected Singleton Venus: I'm very unphotogenic. I hate being photographed because of that.

* All in all, it makes it bad/confusing for the initial stages of romance (attractng, wooing, whatever) for a number of reasons---especially since my Venus is already in the 5th house. It makes it bad/confusing for expressing love for a number of reasons. But for intimacy, I don't think it really matters.

I do believe its similar to a retrograde Venus, they're both introverted.

posted April 02, 2010 03:49 AM         

Thank you for sharing your most deepest, innermost feelings..its so hard to be so very vulnerable.

Trust me, God is listening..its just a trick of his. Sometimes i think its a test of faith and if we got some unmistakable sign from God every time we were rock bottom then we'd take comfort in that and not fight to rise above from the circumstances that are causing us pain.
There have been so many times where i've been weeping on my knees on the floor in the early hours of the morning, feeling so alone and cursing God for having forgotten me, the next day one of the first things i notice is a smile from a stranger or something random like that, its like God saying, "i heard you, don't worry"

The caterpillar in the cocoon is a perfect example of that, God was showing you the answer to your question. He really does work in mysterious ways, there is absolutely no doubt of that. Never let anyone cut out that beautiful heart, its yours and yours alone.

You have to eat your way out of the insecurities that you are drowning in before they eat you up to let the intense, volatile and self hurting emotions take over your soul (how Mars in Cancer is that? lol).

When you asked God when you'd be ready for a r/ship and you saw that picture, that was God's way of saying,
"Sweetie, stick to your morals and personal ethics, NEVER EVER let anyone compromise them or make you feel like you have to because in your gonna have to sift through a lot of crap and garbage and you critical eye and analytical thinking will be your personal soldier. Never for one minute doubt that you are wrong, always go for your gut instinct"

Through experiencing garbage and crap, you will naturally set up your boundaries and personal rules and relationship ethic to protect yourself from the crap whilst letting the good in
(the defensiveness of Mars in Cancer is very good in that respect. I know you hate that placement, as did I but these are the positive things about it. Cancer, very subtle and the influence is very under the surface)

Please dont think your going on and on..it is very important that you open up (only when you feel safe to) and express this..naturally you will come to your own conclusion and answer your own question, that is the power of God.

He created us in the likeness of his image so having said that, one would conclude that we ALL have the power of God within us. That is the strength of humankind and its taken us 1000s of years to finally realise that.

And for the record, I'm not religious. I was born into a Greek Orthodox family but was a self proclaimed atheist at 13 after spending my entire education in the Roman Catholic system. It wasn't till i was 17 and had to abort a child that i rediscovered TRUE spirituality and began to rebuild my relationship to God.

To me, God is the universe, he is everything..we are all made up from atoms, which makes up everything else in our world. That is true oneness.
You can't institutionalise spirituality, that's when it turns in religion and i want no part of a movement that has hurt millions of ppl and caused so many to suffer.