posted April 06, 2014 03:37 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by tgem:
You're right LeeLoo, the story is confusing as I have left so many of the details out. This is really going to get into the nitty gritty so please bear with the details.

Bottom line...I was friends with his wife first..when he and I starting playing on a volleyball team together we became good friends as well. Eventually him and I learned we had much more in common with each other than we did with own spouses...classic scenario for an affair, looking back but even at the time, I considered myself a loyal, loving spouse that would NEVER cross that line. Eventually instead of calling my husband to set up get togethers and hang out Cusp started calling/texting/FB'ing me all the time. Eventually the body language between us was undeniable..as a grown woman you're just programmed to know when a man is interested/shows interest toward you. He made it so blatantly obvious over time...but our friendship was so natural..that it was like we could talk about anything...however I always tried to respect his wife and back down from scenarios that he would propose knowing it could progressively send us down that slippery slope. He's a venus in Pisces...would make me song playlists (which had some pretty romantic/sexual content in them.). I've posted some of those in past pages on this thread. He even told me he loved me once...playfully, of course in front of a bunch of people and even kissed me on the cheek one New Year's. The reality is he wasn't happy in his marriage..I was being emotionally neglected and suffering from a very controlling spouse so I wasn't happy either.....he picked up on it and chose to pursue the areas where the holes were...maybe thinking it was all innocent....at first. There is no doubt in my mind that he fell for me EVENTUALLY as i did him...even though I was in denial about it for months. However I did something foolish. By that time, the insecurities, game playing with him (typical ego intervention you hear about in the TF stages) had gotten full force and after receiving one too many threatening/passive aggressive comments from his wife, I had a talk with her and told her "if she considers me to be a threat to her marriage, she has nothing to worry about". Part of it was true..I would never actively engage in actions that I believed to be an affair on my own accord- and I knew on my end at least it was going that direction. I knew I had to stop it...but because of the Intense fear I had of being utterly rejected for coming clean with my emotions toward him, I took the easy/cowardly way out. I knew the only way to get him to stop calling/texting me was to tell her I had no intentions of anything with him....plus he had just gotten done saying something that totally hurt me and gave me the fear be was playing with my emotions several days prior so i was mad as hell. I did elude to the fact that he called/texted me frequently but she, of course, defended his actions. And, of course, my plan worked. He never called or texted me again. However instead of approaching me and laying the cards on the table whether it was to blatantly clear up any misunderstandings there were toward the nature of our relationship or just to tell me what a sh***y move I made..he never did. And of course so much of this was me being so terrified of being rejected by him so I lied, partially lied, to his wife about my intent. Of course I DID NOT want an affair... But how do you say to someone's wife ,"oh and by the way i'm completely head over heals in love with your husband but let's all go on and continue all being friends and hanging out!!! UH....no. However, regardless of whatever good intentions I (maybe him) had of nothing happening...it did. I remember one more instance of the four of us in a social situation that finally put me over the top and i knew from that point on i could not socially engage with either of them anymore. That was in May of 2012.. The last time I ever spoke to him or her. He proceeded to relentlessly hound my husband for months asking why I wouldn't speak to him or his wife anymore..yet with our friendship as close as it was, he never pursued ME privately to confront the issue. Nor did he ever contact me to address the fact that I was getting divorced. Mind you we had been best friends with this couple for two years!!

My communication with him sucked! It was all non-verbal.."the stare"...the chemistry. Just look at our synastry and composite! The chemistry was so extreme (again regardless of birth time...) it was virtually impossible to fight it...LeeLoo...think bulletproof relationship??!!! It was IQ who told me months later that him and I were married in another life and had several sexual relationships over several lifetimes....

Anyway..so that the details. Is there a chance Cusp's wife tapped into his email, found the letter and forwarded it herself? Absolutely...many people wonder if that's in fact what happened...especially since a neighbor told me they were "both" furious about the situation. Why would he be furious about something like that unless he got caught??!!!

And here's the kicker. Cusp and my husband were good friends at the time. Why would Cusp have sent that email knowing how it would affect my husband..(or maybe not.).

OR did he send it to him to show him how much I believed to have been emotionally neglected in the marriage...but walked away in order to save the marriage...yet my husband still filed for divorce!

I don't know....it's sooooo messed up. KARMA ...ya think??!!

So to re-iterate, the empath yesterday told me Cusp sent the email with the intent that it would cause so much havoc between my husband and I (which it did) that I would totally move on from him since he couldn't deal with the messy emotions.

Was that Cusp's thinking?......or was that HIS WIFE'S thinking??!!!

Well no need to catch up on your daily fix of "Days of our Lives" LOL 😒

Thanks for listening..hoped this cleared some things up.

---

Tgem, thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm gonna tell you my honest opinion, since you brought it up, of course it's just a subjective opinion.

Firstly, I find it very weird that these people made the letter "public" and sent it to your husband. It lacks sense of humor and common sense to me. Of course, I don't know how these people are, what kind of community is there, what was in the letter. But, no matter what was in letter, the man received a love letter. So what? He should have been at least flattered, if let's say, he didn't have other feelings for you. And as his wife, yeah, my husband received a love letter, I treat it with humor, I can even feel flattered myself. Showing it around shows a lot of insecurity and many other things, which I honestly don't understand, probably because I don't know these people. It's totally weird for me what they did.

On another note, I have a few golden rules based on my personal experience (but, of course, I might be totally wrong):

1. When a man is interested in a woman and wants to have a relationship with her, he ALWAYS acts. One way or another, he will show her his intentions. Men are action. This is something I've learned since kindergarten. When a boy was interested in me, he found a way to show it. The ones who were practically autistic, who never said a word, left a note in my desk or something. And this has continued throughout my life.

2. Us girls sometimes fall for guys who are unavailable to us (otherwise engaged, or not having real intentions with us, or just flirting, or simply not interested). When it happens, we ALWAYS over-analyze all the details between us, we interpret and mis-interpret. And we always ignore the first rule and find excuses for why it doesn't seem to apply in this case (I'm not saying this is the case between you, just that all of us have gone through this, I think).

3. When two people are meant to be together, they will be. We don't have to humiliate ourselves or act out of character, we just have to be ourselves, the best we can be. If you believe this man is your TF, be the best you can be, always do what you know is right (we always know what is right or wrong in our hearts) and you will be reunited.

posted April 06, 2014 03:51 PM            

For the last two days I was feeling like my head was made of cotton, really bad headache, and there was no reason why. I was drinking enough, I was not having a cold, though I almost felt like it, though the other symptoms were missing, no real reason to feel like that. Well,lucily my head is feeling a lot better now.

Anyway, I just read that Mr Sag apparently had been sick this weekend (and still went to work.).

And this hasn`t happened the first time. Me having a "phantom-cold", when he apparently was really having something.

Maybe that is just a coincidence, but it seems to happen almost regularly now.

posted April 06, 2014 04:34 PM            

It all becomes suddenly clear.

Allow me to share last night's experience, as there's SO much going on here - and now - that it's overwhelming. I'm trying to sift, and sort, and catch up. It's like I've been mute and I'm getting my voice back. Hard to explain. I'm just going to take it piecemeal.

First of all - don't apologise for your emotions. Ever. I've been likened to a lot of things, several Trek characters, and, actually, quite often, Holmes. Heh. Of the Trek characters, usually Vulcan. But since my husband and I began watching Voyager on Netflix, (aren't we behind? My costar is actually on throughout it in various roles, so that's always a trip,) it's Seven of Nine, the former Borg drone to which everyone is relating me.

When everyone starts saying you remind them of a well-meaning psychopath - that's a wake-up call. Of some sort. Especially when they're not wrong.

See, perhaps what linked Fate and I most was this odd trait we share. But I think the similarity goes beyond her striving for perfectionism, low-capacity for BS, tendency to social ineptness, and having to consciously 'be' emotional - while also being secretly wracked by some bizarre anxiety.

We lack true individuality. We have no clue what to do with our humanity, outside of ... here we are.

Curiously, the one he gets (outside of our both being Sherlockian) is the Ninth Doctor. The witty, edgy, tactless, incredibly snarky and inscrutable one.

I remember watching the entire pilot episode of the Dr Who reboot (as it's done by one of my favourite creators) thinking of how much it reminded me of him. (My costar, incidentally, is all Tenth. He even finds the Ninth 'terribly rude, boorish, and a selfish cad.' Well, okay then!)

Well, today such a quiz is passing about, and I took it. Ninth Doctor. I could've even gotten a Companion result, honestly. And I shook my head and said, 'but, wait, no, HE's the Ninth Doctor!' (It's even what prompted me to contact him again. Really. His Doctor Who costume. It all clicked for me that, NOW was the time. Odd, no?)

And the little voice in my head (never audible, of course, but you get what I mean - I think) utters, 'you, he, what's the difference? It's all the same.'

And I'm reminded of this episode I saw just recently, written by Ron Moore (the new Battlestar Galactica creator with David Eick. I linked you guys to a silly compilation of all of their 'writers room squabbles' taken to its humourous animated conclusion) ... Seeing a theme, yet? It's all over his work).

After Seven and three of her fellow drones become separated from the Borg on a planet, their individuality starts resurfacing. She's terrified, as she's not ready to face it. They're longing to return to who they were before assimilation - but she knows nothing but her time with the Borg. In her terror, she creates a new link, of the three of them - which surpasses the initial link to the Borg.

Needless to say, they're a perfect, eerie representation of a soul unit. Like a smaller 'faction' or off-shoot. (This really, really does appear throughout all of his work somewhere.) They're stuck in each other's heads, unable to break free of each other's thoughts, desires, wants, fears, so on. They're like - a Triple Flame. Heh.

(Remind me to tell you all about the 'Twice Flame' dream. Still no clue on what THAT means.)

So the gist is that they find her again, playing upon the memories of their having once been of a single 'unimatrix', as they called it; a cell within the greater whole. Despite her having a dodgy concept of 'family' and feeling an inconsistent connexion to anyone or anything, more driven by a desire TO connect, because THAT's what humans do, she can't abandon them.

Janeway, the captain, brilliantly portrayed by Kate Mulgrew - just a sensational actress, and a very compelling character overall - has her considering the concept of family, and what that means, and she realises what she's feeling to these three disenfranchised drones - who no longer belong to the Collective, but cannot be individuals because of the link she created in haste between the three of them - ARE her family.

Though it doesn't seem like it, it perfectly encapsulated how I've been feeling about everything here. It could always be a bit hormonal, heh, but I don't think so. Not this; not right now.

I was hit by your words, tgem, because I knew they were right, BUT, I knew your pain. My husband, who's become a bit more understanding throughout everything, asked what I was thinking. Because it's CRAZY. It's madness.

I said I wasn't sure, but I was very upset - deeply. I wanted to cry, and I wanted answers. And I felt SO ... SO responsible.

Yes. I felt responsible. That's the part which grabbed me most about that episode. Her accountability. The fact she didn't even remember until that moment what she'd done - and how she regretted the decision made in such haste. 'Survival Instinct', it was called, and aptly named.

I think it's one thing to find yourself in the midst of soul-family, and quite another to find yourself thrust into a position of leadership. One you shirked out of fear, lacking confidence in yourself and your abilities. And then the world really does end.

I couldn't sleep a few nights ago; bizarre for me. Sure, I may find myself up later than I like, but simply never feeling the pull to sleep, as the sun's now rising ... odd.

In my insomniac episode, I found myself listening to the first blogtalkradio podcast Mel and Nicole ever made.

The scientist in me scoffed at the whole notion of 'if you wanna know, ask another Twin Flame'. What a perfect cop-out, I thought. How totally immeasurable. Unquantifiable.

And iQ isn't even ... well, who knows WHAT iQ is? It takes a lot - A LOT - for me to invest in something. Intangible? Ohh, that's nearly impossible. But I value his support and trust in his insight. I simply do. I find myself hanging on his words; studying them as if they're holy writ.

And yet, it's Mel with whom I nod, shake my head, roll my eyes, and sigh. He's an old, old colleague. Across the aisle, as they say in the House of Reps, or Senate. Opposing side, and yet, part of a complex system of checks and balances (which I won't get into - as the system is SO flawed. Heh). A greater whole.

iQ is on my side of the aisle. He utters disapproval or agreement, and I'm sworn to a kind of allegiance. I can't quite explain it. I KNOW it's truth. Some kind of absolute truth.

Mel ... no. He has insight, and I appreciate them. He and Nicole are a crucial factor in all of 'this'. But he's not my 'higher command'. I don't look to him for guidance. I respectfully acknowledge his statements, opinions, and 'facts'.

But this Graduate Theory ... apparently someone even wrote a book last year, and published it speedily - upon meeting and becoming united with his Twin Flame in 2012. During, 'the rush', so to speak.

So I ask myself then, was that a sort of Twin Flame Rapture? Were we, 'the unfaithful', left behind? What of us was 'unfaithful'?

So many questions.

BUT. My POINT was this - however circuitous it may be.

I KNEW Cusp was not your Twin Flame. Knew it. It's the foolishness of that 'knowing' which prompted me to duck and dodge, apparently. But then circumstances would intervene, too. I remember once I sat down to read your story - and my browser crashed.

Just - bam. Crashed.

No, it never does that on my phone. Ever.

It was 11:10 turning 11:11.

I threw up my hands and said, 'okay! I'll wait!' I'm not sure when that was. It was earlier on, though.

That YOU are a Twin Flame would not surprise me.

The connexion, the sadness, the rage, and frustration I felt last night, the tears I inexplicably shed, were in regards to YOU, tgem.

I feel as if a part of me has been trying to shepherd you 'away' from that. From him. Like, 'Come HERE. No. YOU come here. NOT you.' I know. Madness, like I said. I had no justification for it.

Until last night. Well, yesterday.

Reading your story ...

I heard SUCH hope. I felt you were intoxicated. Swirling in a cloud of smoke. And my inner voice sighed, and said, 'this is her way. This is her path. Just as we let our children stumble and fall so that they will one day slow their pace, so must you let her stumble, and fall.'

And I cried. I just lie there in my husband's arms, as he tried to make sense of it.

'I don't know what I'm doing,' I said, at some point between the tears. He gave me a kiss and told me he loves me - because what else is he really going to do?

I went to respond to a text that my niece had left, seeking advice a couple of days ago, but an old email from my mother, about two weeks ago, popped up instead, (I have no idea how) which read that she has total confidence in me and is so proud of what I'm becoming; to remember that I'm the cornerstone, and not to be afraid of it, but embrace it. The one right before that was from iQ, basically saying the same thing: that I have big things to do, and I have to prepare.

What happened NEXT ... I'll put in another post.

Suffice it to say, I had faith. I trusted. I heeded the inner voice, and I tried to put forth love and assurance that - overall - it WILL be okay.

But this is a learning process. For ALL of us.

And, Ceri, you're next - because this morning, when I read your post regarding Jude, I felt the floor come out from under me, and my head spin.

That's going to take a little more explanation and processing, though.

Tgem -

You're special, and you're loved. For NOW, take comfort in that. I know it's SO much easier said than done. But as Ceri's said - it's about faith.

First thing they don't tell you, apparently, it's that's faith in YOURSELF.

posted April 06, 2014 05:05 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by tgem:
I agree LeeLoo. As my last post stated, he never responded to me directly when I expressed my feelings to him. That was almost a year ago. Instead I've been de-friended and blocked on FB, and completely ignored.

When I say we are friends I say that with the belief he had forgiven me for hurting him and walking away. As I had forgiven him for sending the letter to my husband and this making the last year of my divorce a living hell.

But here's the reality...I don't KNOW anything. We have not spoken..we have not communicated verbally to eachother at all in Two years. Doesn't matter how many tarot readings, psychic readings, astrological synastry/transits, heart chakra activations, soul/dream experiences I have...the REALITY I have no concrete answers...he has chosen not to give me any.

---

That's the key.

By the way, I'm trying to remain calm and objective after your clarifying in regards to 21 June 2013.

His behaviour ... is stunning. Yes, there's been time, but - for pity's sake. The absolute violation of your trust. The sheer Betrayal (with a capital B). Fate may've played the cruelty card when his back was to the wall - but not when I wrote my such email to him, (03 July 2013; odd; just realised it was 5 years to the day from when we were intending to meet). Even I'd not realised how much I'd proclaimed 'don't write back' - until my mother stated it. He 'respected my wishes'. That was when my voicemail became his running audio diary. (Long story.)

It helped me examine how much I'D been the one running. That for his moments of biting cruelty borne of fear, he only refused me in that one paramount way. He didn't want to lose me - and we struggle against this every day.

tgem, my heart and head would be in a VERY different place now if he had done ANYTHING of THAT nature to me. That's a LOT to forgive! You're not a saint.

We're on this lovely third rock from the Sun to gain the human experience in all its glorious and gory detail.

Be mad. Mourn. Shout at the top of your lungs. Get it all out. FEEL.

Ask Ceri; she's well aware of this whole 'not feeling' thing.

It IS a new day.

This man doesn't deserve your forgiveness yet. He doesn't deserve your unconditional love. Allow yourself to be an individual. Revel in your being YOU for awhile.

I feel beholden to Fate for other reasons. It's like he placed a knife in my hands and then stabbed himself with it - but they were still my hands. If that makes sense.

He left me no choice - and suffers because of it. And I see it. I feel it. Every. Damned. Day.

To be frank, I'm floored we're where we are - after all I've said. It's not often that you can just pick back up where you left off after declarations of love. Even if he successfully denied his - I haven't. I won't. And for me - that's phenomenal.

He didn't respond because I apparently told him - in more ways than one - not to. And he certainly didn't betray my trust. His actions in those following months, while we never really acknowledged it, the fact he continued to pursue this connexion, in any feeble way I'd allow, however fleeting, is what spoke volumes.

I gave him the chance to run permanently in the other direction. Instead, we have an unacknowledged declaration of love and one that remains tacit, active, unspoken but unchallenged.

You DID your part. HE betrayed you. And I am SO sorry for that.

HE ended what's between you by his following actions that day. But I understand why you felt you must hold on.

Now, I hope you can slowly, firmly, completely, let go, and allow what's right to come.

I let go, too, actually. I've let go many, many, many times. He just never really leaves. And despite my greatest efforts to deny it - I'm grateful for that. I'm also letting him do as he needs to, while I do the same.

posted April 06, 2014 05:14 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by IndigoDirae:
That's the key.

By the way, I'm trying to remain calm and objective after your clarifying in regards to 21 June 2013.

---

posted April 06, 2014 05:29 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by IndigoDirae:

And what that is ... has a LOT to do with what you said, Ceri, a few posts ago. I'll get into that ... soon.

---

What did I say?

I vaguely remember I was writing in a frenzy, only semi-conscious. But then that happens a lot when it comes to Jude.

9 years - and I still do not have a good grasp on this.

I still remember though the first time I stumbled across his name (in an online astro-article) and actually bits of his horoscope.
And it made me stop and freeze in my tracks, cause I was just taken aback how much his natal chart seemed to reflect mine, just from the other side of the Yin-Yang-pool.

To be honest, I thought it was his horoscope that I first noticed about him, and then decided to have a look at him ("Closer", I SHOULD have left at that moment, just like my inner voice was whispering to me. "Get up and go. Don`t wait. Don`t walk. RUN. NOW." I didn`t. LOL=)

It was just much later that I noticed that this had NOT been the first time I had seen him in a film. There was one in 1998 I think. or was it 1997? or 1999?

posted April 06, 2014 06:01 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ceridwen:
Actually I think I should go for it REGARDLESS Of what we are.

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posted April 06, 2014 06:16 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ceridwen:
For me it was the 22nd june 2013. Broke my freaking heart.
But amazingly, miraculously I am here still.

---

I wrote it on 03 July. Wonder where my head was the week of 20 June ....

18 June 2013

JUST A JOKE

Something you should know,
Before I go away.
I did all I could,
But I've still got a lot to say.

Did you think that it was funny,
The way you ripped me apart?
May be hilarious to you.
But it's not to my heart.

Was I just a gag you had to run through?
Say it,
I can take the hit.
Am I really nothing to you?

I know you said you can't,
That I shouldn't even try.
It's me who must be crazy,
But it's you who loves to lie.

And still, I can't bring myself to say goodbye.

Oh, damn your smile!
Your eyes,
Your laugh.
Yet it's me who committed this horrible gaffe.

Damn everything that's you!
It's pathetic!
It's true!

See?
What you've done to me?

Even though you've never cared.
I'm just a routine you prepared.
I should've seen it from the start,
You tricked my heart.
I should've known before I ever spoke,
In the end,
Your love is just a joke.

Oh, but I loved you madly;
I loved you true.
But treated oh, so badly,
Is all I ever got from you.

So here's what I've gotta do.

I'm gonna run so fast I cannot stop.
If I do, I'll just give in.
I'll pray and hope you're just a flop.
Maybe then,
Your love ... I could win.

Of course ... again ....

I knew it from the start,
You tricked my heart.
And I'm sure you're doing fine,
But you're not turning any water to wine,
And I'm done being your punchline.

And I should've known before I ever spoke,
In the end,
Your love is just a joke.

And I tried - oh, God! I tried! -
Just to make it seem worthwhile.
And you lied - oh, God! You lied!
Making me feel like I'm on trial.

Would it be so bad,
If I'm the best thing you'd ever had?

Would it kill you to admit,
I'm more than just a bit?

That maybe you love me, too,
The way that I love you?

Or is it just a ruse?
Nothing more than someone you use?

Whatever the truth,
I'm done playing sleuth.
Find someone else to applaud -
I'm calling you out, you fraud.
I'm through with your act.
Try learning some tact!

I'm gonna try,
Even if I can't say goodbye ....

You can call,
I won't say hello.

I'll just wait ... until you ... go.

And ... so ....

You never deserved me,
But that didn't make me see.
So now all I can do,
Is try to stay away from you.

And while you're doing fine,
I'm done being anybody's punchline.
I loved you more than you ever could,
So I'm going.
For good.

I'm sure it's a laugh,
That now I'm just a half -
Of something that was you.

It's my heart that you broke,
And in the end,
Your love -
And all that you are,
And all that you do,
Is just a joke -

To you.

I was just a joke -

To you.

Oh. THAT's where it was.

I'd just gotten the Harley role, and was inspired to write some of her songs. That came out.

... It's about her relationship with the Joker. Honest!

posted April 06, 2014 06:19 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by LeeLoo2014:
Tgem, thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm gonna tell you my honest opinion, since you brought it up, of course it's just a subjective opinion.

Firstly, I find it very weird that these people made the letter "public" and sent it to your husband. It lacks sense of humor and common sense to me. Of course, I don't know how these people are, what kind of community is there, what was in the letter. But, no matter what was in letter, the man received a love letter. So what? He should have been at least flattered, if let's say, he didn't have other feelings for you. And as his wife, yeah, my husband received a love letter, I treat it with humor, I can even feel flattered myself. Showing it around shows a lot of insecurity and many other things, which I honestly don't understand, probably because I don't know these people. It's totally weird for me what they did.

On another note, I have a few golden rules based on my personal experience (but, of course, I might be totally wrong):

1. When a man is interested in a woman and wants to have a relationship with her, he ALWAYS acts. One way or another, he will show her his intentions. Men are action. This is something I've learned since kindergarten. When a boy was interested in me, he found a way to show it. The ones who were practically autistic, who never said a word, left a note in my desk or something. And this has continued throughout my life.

2. Us girls sometimes fall for guys who are unavailable to us (otherwise engaged, or not having real intentions with us, or just flirting, or simply not interested). When it happens, we ALWAYS over-analyze all the details between us, we interpret and mis-interpret. And we always ignore the first rule and find excuses for why it doesn't seem to apply in this case (I'm not saying this is the case between you, just that all of us have gone through this, I think).

3. When two people are meant to be together, they will be. We don't have to humiliate ourselves or act out of character, we just have to be ourselves, the best we can be. If you believe this man is your TF, be the best you can be, always do what you know is right (we always know what is right or wrong in our hearts) and you will be reunited.

This is just my subjective opinion, I hope I didn't offend you in any way, but I just thought it's important to be honest.

---

LeeLoo, you are so right. As a psychologist's point of view and I would like to hope a new friend on this forum, I respect all the opinion you have given me. And trust me, I've spent AlOT of hours in counseling over this.

1. The letter going public. Yes. Very strange. 8 months after I cut myself off from those people, and saw the astrology between Cusp and I, I was consumed by this feeling that maybe I had been wrong about his intentions. You see putting all the astrology and other spiritual stuff aside, if you look at my situation from an outsiders point of view, it looks like I was probably played and fell in love with a man, who probably, if anything wanted a secret affair because of the thrill, but would never leave his wife and family. So he innocently played with my emotions and eventually broke my heart. That's what everyone told me...so I believed them...took it that Cusp was a player and went back to trying to salvage my marriage. But as the months went on, the synchronicities became regular and I began to doubt that what everyone had really told me was true. By January 2013 I contacted my 1st psychic who had been found on this forum to be very accurate. My only intent was to know 1 thing: did Cusp ever love me or did he play me? That's all I wanted to know. It was he who confirmed that in fact Cusp had fallen in love with me..but was very hurt and he was the type of person that when he leaves a relationship whether mentally/emotionally he closes the door, locks it and never looks back...that's what eventually led me to believe he's a sag moon as that's classic for them...when they're done...they're done. Both my husband and my own mother have Saggie moons and both acted that way.

That was the same psychic who told me "something of mine was going to be published" in the next year!!! And that this was about "unconditional love and embracing what's already there." Of course, at the time I thought I was to embrace the love of my husband...not true. He also told me the reason why Cusp kept in touch with my husband was not only because he respected their friendship but it was his way of justifying to himself a way to find out if I had moved on or not. The psychic said I blamed myself too much for what happened and that it wasn't my fault.

5 months later divorce papers were filed, I sent the letter and it "got published" to many people, including the lawyers involved in my divorce...it was pretty humiliating actually. I'm saying this because I live in a small town where gossip rages.... To be brutally honest about the nature of Cusp's wife, she was a very insecure, negative, prideful person. Leo sun/libra stellium who was scared to death her husband wouldl leave her eventually and she didn't have enough self-confidence to be on her own with two young children (Cusp even told that to my husband.). So she ridiculed him, and tore down his confidence and manipulated him (moon conjunct Pluto) into staying with her. I saw it so many times and was so saddened by it. She knew I was the biggest threat that had come into her marriage and she also probably knew deep inside his feelings for me so when the s**t hit the fan, in order to save her marriage and small town reputation, she put the blame on me and told everyone her and Cusp were completely innocent in the whole ordeal. So yes, it is strange it was publicized like it was. In a secure marriage, it would have been laughed off, deleted and never spoke of again. But this was not a secure marriage- two years of a close friendship with this couple proved that to me. To me this was an act of desperation and fear to make me the scapegoat in order to camaflauge a crumbling marriage. So yes....I wore the Scarlett Letter.

2. About me over-analyzing: yes...everyone tried convincing me I had over analyzed his intentions...I even tried to tell myself that..which was why I contacted the psychic. Two additional psychic readings and multiple tarot readings always came to same conclusion. I had not over analyzed his intentions.

3. Yes..if we're meant to be together, we'll be together...I guess. So yeah you can say he was a soulmate and catalyst..you are very right also in that through all of this I have tried my best to take the high road. I have been snubbed, friendships have dissolved..my reputation has been drug through the MUDD..but each time I've been approached about it, I say the same thing, "yes, I had a very close friendship with these people and I was forced to step away from the friendship.. I have no ill intent or feelings toward Cusp or his wife and for the the record there was no affair. If anyone chooses to believe otherwise then they really didnt know the kind of person I really am and that's their loss." That usually shuts them up and the subject is dropped..although I have had some people ask why I haven't come out with guns blazing to tell my side of the story..but the reality is I live in a town where that would have only fueled the drama...which is what people wanted...and it really didnt matter what I said, because they were going to believe what they wanted to believe.

posted April 06, 2014 06:28 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:
For me it was the 22nd june 2013. Broke my freaking heart.
But amazingly, miraculously I am here still.

---

Hmmmm, apparently June and July of 2013 were not good months for us??!!! LOL.

posted April 06, 2014 06:34 PM            

Until last night. Well, yesterday.

Reading your story ...

I heard SUCH hope. I felt you were intoxicated. Swirling in a cloud of smoke. And my inner voice sighed, and said, 'this is her way. This is her path. Just as we let our children stumble and fall so that they will one day slow their pace, so must you let her stumble, and fall.'

And I cried. I just lie there in my husband's arms, as he tried to make sense of it."

Thank you Indigo for your heartfelt words and thoughts... I am humbled by your reaction to my story...the empath even confessed crying significantly while writing me yesterday having to break the news and stated how much it "stinks" to be the messenger sometimes, but it is what God has tasked them to do.

posted April 07, 2014 01:55 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by IndigoDirae:
I wrote it on 03 July. Wonder where my head was the week of 20 June ....

18 June 2013

JUST A JOKE

Something you should know,
Before I go away.
I did all I could,
But I've still got a lot to say.

Did you think that it was funny,
The way you ripped me apart?
May be hilarious to you.
But it's not to my heart.

Was I just a gag you had to run through?
Say it,
I can take the hit.
Am I really nothing to you?

I know you said you can't,
That I shouldn't even try.
It's me who must be crazy,
But it's you who loves to lie.

And still, I can't bring myself to say goodbye.

Oh, damn your smile!
Your eyes,
Your laugh.
Yet it's me who committed this horrible gaffe.

Damn everything that's you!
It's pathetic!
It's true!

See?
What you've done to me?

Even though you've never cared.
I'm just a routine you prepared.
I should've seen it from the start,
You tricked my heart.
I should've known before I ever spoke,
In the end,
Your love is just a joke.

Oh, but I loved you madly;
I loved you true.
But treated oh, so badly,
Is all I ever got from you.

So here's what I've gotta do.

I'm gonna run so fast I cannot stop.
If I do, I'll just give in.
I'll pray and hope you're just a flop.
Maybe then,
Your love ... I could win.

Of course ... again ....

I knew it from the start,
You tricked my heart.
And I'm sure you're doing fine,
But you're not turning any water to wine,
And I'm done being your punchline.

And I should've known before I ever spoke,
In the end,
Your love is just a joke.

And I tried - oh, God! I tried! -
Just to make it seem worthwhile.
And you lied - oh, God! You lied!
Making me feel like I'm on trial.

Would it be so bad,
If I'm the best thing you'd ever had?

Would it kill you to admit,
I'm more than just a bit?

That maybe you love me, too,
The way that I love you?

Or is it just a ruse?
Nothing more than someone you use?

Whatever the truth,
I'm done playing sleuth.
Find someone else to applaud -
I'm calling you out, you fraud.
I'm through with your act.
Try learning some tact!

I'm gonna try,
Even if I can't say goodbye ....

You can call,
I won't say hello.

I'll just wait ... until you ... go.

And ... so ....

You never deserved me,
But that didn't make me see.
So now all I can do,
Is try to stay away from you.

And while you're doing fine,
I'm done being anybody's punchline.
I loved you more than you ever could,
So I'm going.
For good.

I'm sure it's a laugh,
That now I'm just a half -
Of something that was you.

It's my heart that you broke,
And in the end,
Your love -
And all that you are,
And all that you do,
Is just a joke -

To you.

I was just a joke -

To you.

Oh. THAT's where it was.

I'd just gotten the Harley role, and was inspired to write some of her songs. That came out.

... It's about her relationship with the Joker. Honest!

... Ohhh, who'm I kidding? I was a shell.

---

Beautiful.
Sad, angry, loving, beautiful.

well, I remember sitting in my hotelroom, having the strange thought of: "What sound does a breaking heart make?"
And a heartbeat later: "None. A heart breaks in silence."

That kind of thinking was surreal, even for me. lol

posted April 07, 2014 02:07 AM            

Hah. Greetings, fellow head-shrinker.

I'm especially curious about how you've come to terms with your own spiritual awakening. What, with, everything from the DSM to ICD telling us we're DD NOS - at least; early-stage schizo - at most.

I like to think being on the spectrum already has 'awarded' me enough negative symptomology to where there's no room for any of the positive ones.

posted April 07, 2014 06:08 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by IndigoDirae:
LeeLoo, you're a psychologist?

Hah. Greetings, fellow head-shrinker.

I'm especially curious about how you've come to terms with your own spiritual awakening. What, with, everything from the DSM to ICD telling us we're DD NOS - at least; early-stage schizo - at most.

I like to think being on the spectrum already has 'awarded' me enough negative symptomology to where there's no room for any of the positive ones.

But I AM curious. How did you ... cope?

---

Greetings, Indigo

To tell you the truth, I have two clues on which I base my hunch I'm not a nutcase after all:

1. prophetic dreams (since they come true, my mind must be linked to reality, invisible or not)
2. the joy connected with my spiritual experiences (there's no real joy in madness)

posted April 07, 2014 07:19 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by IndigoDirae:
Also, tgem, I'd like to look at some different things in your charts without having to trouble you with it every time.

Would you mind giving me your data?

---

Of course

posted April 07, 2014 07:21 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by LeeLoo2014:
Tgem, thank you for your kind words, you are a very sensitive and smart person and I wish you all the best!

---

posted April 07, 2014 07:25 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by MorpHnStorM:
@ tgem, thinking of you and sending loads of love your way

---

posted April 07, 2014 07:58 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by IndigoDirae:
I wrote it on 03 July. Wonder where my head was the week of 20 June ....

18 June 2013

JUST A JOKE

Something you should know,
Before I go away.
I did all I could,
But I've still got a lot to say.

Did you think that it was funny,
The way you ripped me apart?
May be hilarious to you.
But it's not to my heart.

Was I just a gag you had to run through?
Say it,
I can take the hit.
Am I really nothing to you?

I know you said you can't,
That I shouldn't even try.
It's me who must be crazy,
But it's you who loves to lie.

And still, I can't bring myself to say goodbye.

Oh, damn your smile!
Your eyes,
Your laugh.
Yet it's me who committed this horrible gaffe.

Damn everything that's you!
It's pathetic!
It's true!

See?
What you've done to me?

Even though you've never cared.
I'm just a routine you prepared.
I should've seen it from the start,
You tricked my heart.
I should've known before I ever spoke,
In the end,
Your love is just a joke.

Oh, but I loved you madly;
I loved you true.
But treated oh, so badly,
Is all I ever got from you.

So here's what I've gotta do.

I'm gonna run so fast I cannot stop.
If I do, I'll just give in.
I'll pray and hope you're just a flop.
Maybe then,
Your love ... I could win.

Of course ... again ....

I knew it from the start,
You tricked my heart.
And I'm sure you're doing fine,
But you're not turning any water to wine,
And I'm done being your punchline.

And I should've known before I ever spoke,
In the end,
Your love is just a joke.

And I tried - oh, God! I tried! -
Just to make it seem worthwhile.
And you lied - oh, God! You lied!
Making me feel like I'm on trial.

Would it be so bad,
If I'm the best thing you'd ever had?

Would it kill you to admit,
I'm more than just a bit?

That maybe you love me, too,
The way that I love you?

Or is it just a ruse?
Nothing more than someone you use?

Whatever the truth,
I'm done playing sleuth.
Find someone else to applaud -
I'm calling you out, you fraud.
I'm through with your act.
Try learning some tact!

I'm gonna try,
Even if I can't say goodbye ....

You can call,
I won't say hello.

I'll just wait ... until you ... go.

And ... so ....

You never deserved me,
But that didn't make me see.
So now all I can do,
Is try to stay away from you.

And while you're doing fine,
I'm done being anybody's punchline.
I loved you more than you ever could,
So I'm going.
For good.

I'm sure it's a laugh,
That now I'm just a half -
Of something that was you.

It's my heart that you broke,
And in the end,
Your love -
And all that you are,
And all that you do,
Is just a joke -

To you.

I was just a joke -

To you.

Oh. THAT's where it was.

I'd just gotten the Harley role, and was inspired to write some of her songs. That came out.

... It's about her relationship with the Joker. Honest!

... Ohhh, who'm I kidding? I was a shell.

---

posted April 07, 2014 09:02 AM            

If these people made it public and tried to use it to humiliate you, neither of them deserves you.

I'm sure everybody who read the letter believes what they did was wrong, either they acknowledged it or not.

I suspect it's the wife's move (sometimes couples know the passwords for each other), but if he indeed concurred to that, he does not deserve you, I'm sorry to be so blunt.

Thank you for sharing