posted February 23, 2014 12:31 PM            

I wasn`t trying the cutting-cord meditation, cause Inever really thought of him in spiritual terms. Neither in romance-terms.

I mean I notice that I had a very very very strong response to him, which was unbidden and even unwelcome to a degree, as itwas shaking me out of my comfort zone so much, and it did not feel like a cruh, it did not feel like the "lofty" idea I had of spiritualism (which entailed a certain detachment from the physical/ body).

I did not know what it was. I called it an "instinctual response", like an archaic program being activated everytime he was near, something that was too primal for my lofty mind to comprehend.

But since I did not really put him into the "spiritual-corner" I never tried that cutting cord meditation.

In fact I tried to cut him out of my life in very physical terms. lol

After our first meeting I planned to never ever show my face again, and I simply disappeared.
This disappearance lasted about 2 years, until I re-surfaced.

Unlike the first "hiatus" afer first sight of him in 2006, and then seeing him again 2 years later, I couldnīt quite ban him from my mind though.

Anyway and then on new year`s eve 2011, jeez, it was such a crappy night. I mean for real. Everything went to hell (at least in my mind - and very clearly for him, I suppose that is when his relationship REALLY showed deep rifts, that would lead to its total crumbling down - actually he dedicated the song Hallelujah to her that night, which I found outrageous and shocking. As much as I love the melody, I would be devastated if anyone dedicated THIS to me.).

But anyway everything just was awkward and totally off and wrong and I donīt know what. And I "realized" what a fool I was making of myself, how silly to feel like a schoolgirl around him, how ridiculous to think he could like me even a little bit (even if just as part of his audience).

It was a real crap-night, yes. And I decided. That`s it. I`ve had it. I am going to leave here and never ever coming back again. I will treasure the memory of it, but I will disappear.

Anyway, at the end of the concert, the light was on and the radio was playing, and while leaving I turned around one last time, to have a final glance on the (empty) stage as I thought.
However, it wsan`t quite as empty as expected. He was squatting there and putting his instruments away, and of course this moment hwen I turned he was looking up and looking at me. Just for a few moments. It was a "farewell forever" glance. At least I thought so. Well he was having questionmarks in his eyes as it seemed, but I couldnīt answer the question. I didn`t even dare to pose the question!

I had made up my mind. ONe final glance, then I turned around and left.

I even remember the song that played in the radio. By Sunrise Avenue. These lines here:

"No, I don't wanna go
I don't wanna go.

Bye, bye Hollywood Hills I'm gonna
miss you wherever I go"

I have no clue what he was thinking about my weird behaviour, if he was thinking about it at all. Maybe I wasn`t even that important that evening. lol

Funny coincidence - in the months after that desastrous night he started to sing this song on most of his solo concerts (I did not attend, cause I was staying away, right?)

I stayed away for almost the whole of 2012.
I was determined. That was it.
I would not see him again. I would not even go back to Tecklenburg to the open air I love so much, because he would be there. No sight of him. No. Cold turkey.
I would not keep on acting like a silly schoolgirl with a crush. i would not keep on deluding myself that any of it actually meant anything to him. How delusional of me!

Well, in the months I stayed away, his long term relationship broke apart completely and they split.
The other thing that happened was that he was writing a song, that cut through my heart like a dart.

Some of the lyrics:

"Why didn`t you talk to me?
I try to understand....

...

It feels like a dream without a sense
It`s torture to me.
Running a road that never ends...

...

I never realized that you would never
gonna be my friend
Somebody help me understand

....

For the very first time I saw your face
I couldn`t read your smile
But then you just left without a trace

...

For a good reason I could never
stop myself from passing by

..."

Anyway, maybe he has a myriads of girls in his life who act like this around him, talk to him, then disappear without a trace, resurface and acting like the first meeting neer happened at all.

(Did I mention my Neptune conjunct his mercury and squares his Mars?)

No, not saying I inspired him to write this song, but fact is I did NOT talk to him. Why?
Why was I acting like this?
Out of shyness? Misguided pride? Fear of embarassing myself? (seriously, if he noticed me, if he recognized me, if he remembered, THEN I made more a fool out of myself than I could imagine, add to that that I was being confused, confusing, evasive and plainly rude, you could say, right?)

But it was as it was. I stayed away. I went onto a trip somewhere else, not where the open air was.
I was sitting there and the pain, the numbness, the emptiness in my heart was so infinite, it swallowed every light.
And I knew I could not NOT go. Just go there, just one more time, right? Always just one more time, always the last time. I promised myself everytime, and everytime I could not keep my own promise.

So on 12th august 2012 Iwent there (miraculously I manaed to get a ticket for a seat in the 2nd row I believe, and a hotelroom, when actually everything was sold out, it was a miracle really).

I remember clearly the moment he spotted me, cause he did a double turn, swinging back his head to look at me, as if to be certain it was me. LOL
It was slapstick again. Of course I denied that it was true, maybe something else made him almost dislocate his neck.

Later on I got the feeling he was staring at me during singing the refrain of a song. Mayb just the movie in my mind, wishful thinking. However the old lady beside me suddenly started getting restless, looking at him, looking at me, looking back at him, at me, with this questioning expression

Actually this has happened more than once, other people in the audicenc suddenly start looking at me and at him and at me, as if they noticed him glancing at me. So if others react to it, maybe I am not totally delusional about it.

Anyway, there was yet one other occasion, 22nd june, I decided to - you probably guessed it - never see him again.

On that concert he was mentioning his future mother in law. I think it might have been the month before he got into a new relationship. And it hurt, God, it hurt so ******* much, when I knew how silly I was. I should not hurt about someone I do not ven really know. No expectations, right?

But it did, I was dying inside. And after the concert I had to leave very quickly. This mix of pain and rage (most of all directed at my own stupidity) was like poison, and I feared it might show on my face.
Ctually when leaving I spotted his mom. She was looking at me and actually took a step towards me; she looked like she wanted to say something (?).
I must be wrong about it. Why would she want to talk to me?

Well, actually I had seen her, or she me, on that day before the desastrous concert, I was walking into the town and had to pass a building, where she was standing on the stairs, and literally looking down on me. Gave me the asessing Scorpio-stare (no clue if she is a Scorpio), which reminded me so much of my own Mum. Very critical x-ray analysis right there. And I donīt think Ipassed the test. LOL

On that june concert however, she looked at me in aw ay that could be read as almost compassion, and it killed me, even more than him mentioning his future mother in law. I had that feeling this moment that she KNEW. She knew.
I hope I really realy hope I am wrong about that. I am not that obvious, am I?
Oh Gosh, I hope not. lol

Anyway, so this was it once again, I stayed away. I really meant it this time.
I was maybe for the first time REALLY seriousl about it.
It felt like I was dying.

Of course maybe the fact that my grandmother fell ill and actually died on 15th july, was even more reason for this.

But it was hell, this month thinking, believing I will never see him again.
And then I figured that it doesn`t matter. Much.

Even if he is in a relationship, even if he gets married and has a lot of little cute children, my life STILL is so much more enriched by him just brushing it at times, as it could ever be without him.

If me being a fan is all there can ever be, okay, then that is it, and I will make the most of it.

I realized I could not go on like this, running away the moment things got difficult. lol

Something had to change.

I asked myself what i really wanted. And I wanted him in my life. To what extent is up to him.

I returned for the open air concert on 20th july, the same I had originally first set eyes on him 7 years ago; the concert being just one day after my grandmother`s funeral.

I still went there, and it was surreal, such a beautiful day.

I had to line up for the seats an hour or two before the start, and had brought a book with me. Yes, I was lining up and reading, and talking and reading again.

Of course he had to cross the street and the line just a metre away from me, right?
He has been doing that so often.

And of course he ignored me while doing so, if not for the fact, that when he was several meteres away, almost at the castle, in the shadow of the trees he would turn around and cast a glance at the line of people. Which I only saw, because I had been looking after him of course. lol
Damn it, caught in looking again!

But maybe he had spotted someone else there. lol

But from this day on I just accepted that it was what it was, and that I feel happier with him in my life, even if there can only be these little moments, than without him.

I only realized that I would have to break my pattern of interacting with him, or not interacting, which then led to the last encounter.

Curiously the week after our encountr I saw that he had taken his realtionship st

atus off his facebook site.
He only put it on ther again last week or so. No clue why he did that. It seems strange. He practically lives on facebook (at least official part).

Of course I di not particularly like seeing that again there. *sighs* But it is as it is, and it is no reason for me anymore to decide to never see him again.

THIS has changed inside of me. I know it is just alright as it is. And I am content with it.

Besides the cutting-him-out-of-my-life did not work all that well either. lol

posted February 23, 2014 01:24 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by IndigoDirae:
Heh! I was thinking that, too. Which is why I say on Facebook, 'gimme a show of Likes.' Heh.

So, you did, Gabby? Oh, dear. I'm so sorry. That must be all the harder. I don't think we should ask you. Respect over curiosity.

---

iQ said he was likely my twin flame, but there was things that didn't make sense for him to be my twin flame! My Eros/Valentine/IC was exact on his Valentine, cap@9-10
His Saturn taurus@11, my Juno virgo@12, his NN/SN pisces/virgo@10
Sun/Moon exact and ton of soulmate couples exact including Osiris/Isis exact opposed Taurus/Scorp@15....seriously I think we had like 15 pairings of couples aspecting exact! His psyche on my Vertex my Alma on his Vertex, his vertex exact square my NN.
His Sun/Moon mid point was exact conjunct our composite Sun my Sun/Moon midpoint is exact on our comp Moon! His Draco angel is on my tropical Venus and my Draco angel is on Trop Venus.
BUT....this is HUGE.......his Nessus exact on my Psyche and square my Dejanira!
If that wasn't there I think it would have been a slam dunk that he was my twin flame! I hope he isn't because I got hardcore screwed!!

posted February 23, 2014 01:34 PM            

wow!

"His Sun/Moon mid point was exact conjunct our composite Sun my Sun/Moon midpoint is exact on our comp Moon!"
We have that, too!
though not exact in our case. But still comosite Sun on his Sun/Moon-mp and c Moon on my Sun/Mon-mp (same in Davison). And when we met Tr Juno exact on c-Sun and his Sun/Moon, Tr upiter exact on c-Moon and my Sun/Moon.

"I hope he isn't my twin flame!"
That was actually what I thought when seeing him for the very first time. No, no, no. Not him. Don`t let it be him. Because I guess on some level I KNEW. I just didn`t want to know. I still don`t. most of the time. lol

Or maybe I am simply delusional. But then again I could be delusional about being delusional.

Thank you for sharing your experience, includin the sexual part.

posted February 23, 2014 01:44 PM            

If it makes you feel any better, my guys Nessus is conjunct my ASC, Nessus, Valentine, jupiter and square my nodal axis.

My Nessus is opposite his mercury and mars...

That's why I have mixed feelings about Nessus in synastry and what it means. I feel it's more about obsession than it is about abuse.

posted February 23, 2014 02:27 PM            

Tell me, did you fall from a shooting star?
One without a permanent scar?
And did you miss me while you were lookin' for yourself out there?

😉

I know it well. Another intriguing point: Train's lead singer's given name is Patrick. Or, 'Pat' Monahan

I made some very mind-blowing discoveries today as well. Now that I finally got off my arse and am feeling mildly better.

One such, the Helio, actually had me shivering. Shivering! I didn't even really look at anything, and I got CHILLS. My husband asked what was up and I said, 'I honestly don't know - but something!' So, I'll be posting both.

The other is the author Michael Newton; I bought Journey of Souls today. Can't very well be the only one without it, right?

The strangest thing overcame me.

When I saw him, I felt such a warm, wonderful, grandfatherly, feeling. Just filled me with love. I felt like I knew him, I studied from him; that he's very important to me. I also noticed how he'd written it in 1994, and I feared he wasn't here anymore, and I began to cry! I mourned his potential loss!

Then I saw he's in LA and I decided, okay, I HAVE to talk with him. I have to. Before he does pass some day.

Isn't that strange?

posted February 23, 2014 02:49 PM            

"Tell me, Ceri, did you sail across the Sun?"
I think I did.

"One such, the Helio, actually had me shivering. Shivering"
Helio synastry, composite or DAvison?

"The other is the author Michael Newton; I bought Journey of Souls today. "
Good for you.

"When I saw him, I felt such a warm, wonderful, grandfatherly, feeling. "
Had the EXACT SAME feeling. Wow!
Also implicit trust.

posted February 23, 2014 02:55 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:
Gabby,

wow!

"His Sun/Moon mid point was exact conjunct our composite Sun my Sun/Moon midpoint is exact on our comp Moon!"
We have that, too!
though not exact in our case. But still comosite Sun on his Sun/Moon-mp and c Moon on my Sun/Mon-mp (same in Davison). And when we met Tr Juno exact on c-Sun and his Sun/Moon, Tr upiter exact on c-Moon and my Sun/Moon.

"I hope he isn't my twin flame!"
That was actually what I thought when seeing him for the very first time. No, no, no. Not him. Don`t let it be him. Because I guess on some level I KNEW. I just didn`t want to know. I still don`t. most of the time. lol

Or maybe I am simply delusional. But then again I could be delusional about being delusional.

Thank you for sharing your experience, includin the sexual part.

---

I don't know how you can stop the draw to be with the person....your so much stronger than I am!

posted February 23, 2014 03:04 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by tgem:
Oh Gabby, wow...that's quite moving to read...and it's that description I was looking for when I asked the "sex" question in the first place. I feel you, I really do.

If it makes you feel any better, my guys Nessus is conjunct my ASC, Nessus, Valentine, jupiter and square my nodal axis.

My Nessus is opposite his mercury and mars...

That's why I have mixed feelings about Nessus in synastry and what it means. I feel it's more about obsession than it is about abuse.

What's so crazy is in our tropical composite we have a Yod with Pyche sextile neptune with the apex at valentine all exact.

---

posted February 23, 2014 03:08 PM            

The funny thing is, before our first meeting, that night. Usually I always feel the urge to run away, with him I always just feel I want to run to him. And then I have to step onto the brake. LOL

Maybe it IS easier because there is no sex involved. Though I relate to the feelings you described, just being in his physical proximity does these same things to me.
Actually now and then he was turning around, throwing me a stare, so utterly baffled, almost startled. But maybe I read too much into it. I donīt know.

But I suppose there is a reason for this alternating of staring at me like I am literally the Sun, the centre of the universe, and totally ignoring me. But even in ignorance- mode, we coincidentally will end up in each other`s physical proximity (at least during solo concerts and especially in the intervals. Odd, right?)

You know HOW difficult it is to ignore someone when you are practically bumping into each other several times a night? LOL

posted February 23, 2014 03:17 PM            

The funny thing is, before our first meeting, that night. Usually I always feel the urge to run away, with him I always just feel I want to run to him. And then I have to step onto the brake. LOL

Maybe it IS easier because there is no sex involved. Though I relate to the feelings you described, just being in his physical proximity does these same things to me.
Actually now and then he was turning around, throwing me a stare, so utterly baffled, almost startled. But maybe I read too much into it. I donīt know.

But I suppose there is a reason for this alternating of staring at me like I am literally the Sun, the centre of the universe, and totally ignoring me. But even in ignorance- mode, we coincidentally will end up in each other`s physical proximity (at least during solo concerts and especially in the intervals. Odd, right?)

You know HOW difficult it is to ignore someone when you are practically bumping into each other several times a night? LOL

posted February 23, 2014 03:25 PM            

This man is positively freaking me out.

Just an hour ago he changed his profile image (though he has already rechanged it again. lol).

But that hour ago, he put an image on there from the open air concert 8 years ago. A photo from the very first moment I ever saw him in this life.

What.Is.going.on?

posted February 23, 2014 03:26 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:
I can`t stop the draw.
It`s always there.

The funny thing is, before our first meeting, that night. Usually I always feel the urge to run away, with him I always just feel I want to run to him. And then I have to step onto the brake. LOL

Maybe it IS easier because there is no sex involved. Though I relate to the feelings you described, just being in his physical proximity does these same things to me.
Actually now and then he was turning around, throwing me a stare, so utterly baffled, almost startled. But maybe I read too much into it. I donīt know.

But I suppose there is a reason for this alternating of staring at me like I am literally the Sun, the centre of the universe, and totally ignoring me. But even in ignorance- mode, we coincidentally will end up in each other`s physical proximity (at least during solo concerts and especially in the intervals. Odd, right?)

You know HOW difficult it is to ignore someone when you are practically bumping into each other several times a night? LOL

But I have no clue what to make of this. The draw is there. But would it be workable in some sort of relationship?
I honestly don`t know.

---

I've never been around this guy regularly enough to know what "real life" would be like! We talked night and day for years but I never got to stand next to him and see him daily and learn about all his annoying habits or his bad breath in the morning or anything else like that...but I wish I had!
We have a beautiful composite, several grand trines in our basic chart and Eros and psyche make a pretty lil earth cap/taurus trine!
The AC is on my NN and the IC is on his NN...it's sad really, what a waste!

posted February 23, 2014 03:30 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:

This man is positively freaking me out.

Just an hour ago he changed his profile image (though he has already rechanged it again. lol).

But that hour ago, he put an image on there from the open air concert 8 years ago. A photo from the very first moment I ever saw him in this life.

What.Is.going.on?

It`s just a coincidence, right? Another one of those myriads of coincidences.

---

Wow! You think he is feeling your thoughts as your thinking about those moments and he's thinking they are his?

posted February 23, 2014 04:00 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Gabby:
Wow! You think he is feeling your thoughts as your thinking about those moments and he's thinking they are his?

A few days ago I was in my bedroom and I heard my guys voice calling my name...I swear I almost ran down stairs but then I knew it wasn't real he doesn't even know where I live now! I wasn't even thinking about him?

---

Sometimes I swear he can hear my thoughts. LOL

He just, too often, his actions are so much like a response to my thoughts, my "dreams". But THIS, he never puts photos from the past on his site. There is no other man who is so much in the present.

Of course just minutes later he changed his profile image again, and put one online from his current engagement. The very role I am going to see him in coming weekend.

I must have been talking too much about him. ol probably his ears hav been ringing all weekend.

posted February 23, 2014 04:11 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:
Sometimes I swear he can hear my thoughts. LOL

He just, too often, his actions are so much like a response to my thoughts, my "dreams". But THIS, he never puts photos from the past on his site. There is no other man who is so much in the present.

Of course just minutes later he changed his profile image again, and put one online from his current engagement. The very role I am going to see him in coming weekend.

I must have been talking too much about him. ol probably his ears hav been ringing all weekend.

Well I suppose we do not have a DW Mercury-Neptune-conjunction and a Psyche/Pallas-Psyche conjunction for nothing. ROFL

---

Wow, we have mercury connections.... But yours are better!!
His mercury is exact on my SN and my mercury is conjunct my Sun and his Moon and his Neptune.
His Saturn is inconjunct my Neptune?

I think the Pallas connection would be very deep!! Hmmm, I can't remember where my guys Pallas is, I'll have to check it out!

Edit- his Pallas is exactly square our sun/moon conjunction

posted February 23, 2014 04:15 PM            

I have a Sun-Mercury-conjunction as well, and it conjuncts his Sun-Moon-MC.

Mercury is both our DESC-ruler.

actually my Neptune exactly on his Mercury, means our 3rd house rulers are exactly conjunct, and since Mercury rules his IC and DESC as well, it means my 3rd house ruler is also conjunct his 4th and 7t house ruler.

posted February 23, 2014 04:17 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Gabby:
If you ever get to be around him look for things on him that look like you/yours...like me n this guys hands look identical except his are bigger, same finger shape, skin color and tone, texture, nails...we even had scars in the same places on our hands! It's was eery how much they looked alike!

---

Well, does being chubby and deciding literlaly in the same month to lose weight and actally do it, count, too?

I noticed also once how similiar his gestures in trying to silence the audience (teacher-pose) was to me. It was like looking into a freaking mirror. lol

We also have the same difficulties to define our hair colour (he mentioned it in one of his interviews, and it was very familiart o me).
Every hairdstylist will say something different.

Darkblonde? Brown?

posted February 23, 2014 04:20 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:

Well, does being chubby and deciding literlaly in the same month to lose weight and actally do it, count, too?

I noticed also once how similiar his gestures in trying to silence the audience (teacher-pose) was to me. It was like looking into a freaking mirror. lol

---

posted February 23, 2014 04:29 PM            

But my helio Valentine conjuncts his tropical Valentine exactly.
(His helio VAlentine is also conjunct my helio Amor, on my tropical Mary/Jesse-conjunction which is conjunct either his Mary or his Maria. lol)

My SERENDIP conjuncts his Venus exact (and sextiles my Valentine)

his SERENDIP conjuncts my Chiron exact, on our composite SN (and quinkunx his Valentine)

In Davison Serendip trines Valentine exactly

posted February 23, 2014 04:29 PM            

But my helio Valentine conjuncts his tropical Valentine exactly.
(His helio VAlentine is also conjunct my helio Amor, on my tropical Mary/Jesse-conjunction which is conjunct either his Mary or his Maria. lol)

My SERENDIP conjuncts his Venus exact (and sextiles my Valentine)

his SERENDIP conjuncts my Chiron exact, on our composite SN (and quinkunx his Valentine)

In Davison Serendip trines Valentine exactly

posted February 23, 2014 04:32 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:

About the first part, well, ther was one open air he was singing this in 2010, he was creating magic that night. Not only for me. The whole audience was stunned.

For me personally somewhen during the first stanza my surroundings disappeared and I was back at the garden Gethsemane, I heard the laughter, the talks, the chirping, smelled the jasmine. It was a very strong feeling, yet at that point still, serene.

I shook it off then, just in time to see him on stage ending his song, and well shaking himself awake as it seemed, for a moment he seemed surprised as to where he was. Like he had been oblivious to it for a few moments, got really lost in the song.

Of course I am biased, but it was a very intense thing.
Come to mind, it was during THIS song exactly in one of his solo concerts, he wouldnīt leave my side for most of it, standing so closely beside/ behind me, that I couldnīt really tell where my aura ended and his began. lol

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIN0RAvtTn4

Let me know when you have seen it, so I can take it down again

---

Sorry, Ceri. I'm delayed today, so, 👍.

I get a major vibe off that guy, too. Major.

posted February 23, 2014 04:34 PM            

During our last speaking encounter Tr Serendip was conjunct composite NN-AMor-Cupido-Mars-Adonis. lol on his natal Pluto and my Sappho