posted March 03, 2014 11:48 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by micole maree:
Hmm. I'm curious. Do you show any conjunctions to other fixed stars between you?

---

Yes, a lot actually...
Helio composite:
Karma conjunct Altair
Boda conjunct Aldebaran
Venus conjunct Betelgeuse
Tyche conjunct Sirius
Juno conjunct Anteres
Angel conjunct Rigel

posted March 03, 2014 11:56 AM            

"But that's not the point, is it?

The point is, it's gotta happen sometime, doesn't it? He's got to decide to date, or start casually seeing someone where it becomes semi regularly. And then ... there it is.

When I saw she Liked it, I felt dizzy.

I thought; okay; so, that's it. He stayed with her last night. He's done that before. It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't HAVE to. He's not in love. He'd be VERY different if he was. He'd be giddy. He'd be calling me with a song in his voice. They'd be posting on each other's pages. She'd be Friends with his mom.

Hey, if she can help him be less lonely, if he was actually lonesome, then I'm happy for that. Genuinely.

But in my bizarre panic attack this past Friday, I thought of lots of things. I thought of how I'd react if we were estranged for years and I later learnt he was married. I thought of how I'd be if he told me he wanted to marry someone.

First, I'd say, 'ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR BLOODY MIND?' But then, I'd dispense my 'wisdom' in these things.

Because I realised, feeling that knife in my heart, that, maybe, they were dating. Maybe, he was finally doing so, and conveniently, barely a week after my husband told him about the relationship I'm in.

I realised what I really, really, REALLY want.

I want to be it.

I want to be the only one he wants. I want no one to compare to me. I want him to decide that I'm the only one that's right for him, and, if nothing else, at the end of that day, to say it. To tell me.

My heart would be deeply broken, on an inexpressibly tendre level, to my very core, if he fell in love.

I know. I'm embarrassed. It upsets me. I wish I were braver, better, and more evolved than that. To just want him to be as happy and deeply in love as he could be.

But the truth is, I haven't let him go. I've loosened my grip out of necessity and understanding, but if someone took him from me - completely - forever - I couldn't quite handle that. Not yet. Perhaps, not ever.

But I've not let go of that day, that dream."

I exactly know how you feel.

posted March 03, 2014 11:59 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by tgem:
Well that's interesting: Cusp's natal chiron falls exactly on Andomeda @ 27Aries which conjuncts his First/last name asteroids conjunction in my natal!
In his natal my first name asteroid is conjunct his NN by 1 which happens to be opposite Andomeda by a wide 3.5.

Normally I would say this is too wide BUT as you can see Andromeda closely conjuncts his name asteroid in my natal and my name asteroid closely opposes his Andromeda in his natal! WOW!!!!

In our tropical composite, we have a venus/mars opposition with our venus conjunct Andromeda by 1.5.

---

posted March 03, 2014 12:13 PM            

about your last post,

posted March 03, 2014 12:27 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by tgem:
[B] Really hope something positive happens between you guys .B]

---

Nope, not really. But then I didn`t expect it, too.

posted March 03, 2014 12:44 PM            

About an hour or two before the musical I started feeling very unwell. Not quite sick, but totally dizzy, a little nauseous, and like it sometimes happens when I feel dizzy, close to a panic attack, that familiar feeling of needing to run out, run away, no matter where to, just running, running, running. But it has to do with these bouts of dizziness startling me I guess.

I used to always book tickets for seats at the aisle, so I can leave unnoticed and quickly if I want to, as I always dread the feeling I might have to disturb other people, even in some sort of emergency.
For the last years though this selfimposed "back-plan", this urge for having a "way-out" at each moment, has lessened, which is why I had booked a seat a little more to the centre, though still on the right side.

Of course the dreaded embarassing situation, I have always feard and which never before happened, had to happen on saturday, right?

In the first act, quite at the end, but still 10-15 minutes from the interval, and I HAD to leave the auditorium.
For different reasons actually, one of them being that I was fearing I might pee in my pants if I Didn`t leave, but also the air was stuffy, and I was still feeling so dizzy. I had to get a sniff of fresh air outside.

So, no choice, really. It was clear such an embarassing situation would happen sooner or later in my life, but did it really have to be while sitting in 2nd row?

I had been thinking (out of my memory of the musical) I had been picking a moment when he was actually off stage, but I misremembered. Of course I did. *sighs*

So I managed to jump up, force four other people to get up, too, and pretty much hasten out of the auditorium, while he was just coming back on stage, and was pretty much very close to the edge of stage (and as I realized on sunday), right in front of the spot I had been sitting just moments ago. LOL
I suppose he must have noticed that. At least that someone was leaving. Ouch, that was so embarassing, not to mention I felt like the rudest person on earth, and i really did not want this to happen.
Anyway, after that I stayed out there, until the interval, which was maybe 10-15 minutes away, cause I wouldn`t be interrupting the show AGAIN by forcing my way back into the audience like that.

so yeah, not my day, apparently.

I got back to my seat after the interval though, and could enjoy the rest of the performance (the second half is the better one anyway).
Interestingly as soon as he came back on stage, and was close to the closer part of stage, he was looking right at the seat that I had left before.
And then a few moments later he didn`t ahve anything to do but just leaning against a wall on the other side of stage, while the heroine was singing her big song. And I suddenly felt like he was looking at me, so to make sure I turned my head to the left, and he WAS looking at me.

And I could see how he started to smile. It felt like observing the birth of a smile. I don`t know whre that comparision came from, but let me tell you I was kinda relieved, He would have had every right to be totally annoyed with me, for making such a disturbance in the audience (probably not that bad, but embarassing to me it was). Actually it was me who first had to look away, but instead of looking directly to the singing actress again, I actually cast my eyes downwards. lol But I had a reason for that, cause I suddenly felt like I was starting to tremble, I mean physically trembling (and the woman beside me hated me already anyway), like some sort of vibration was running all through my being, and suddenly the dizziness was gone (it came back a little bit at night, but even then just for a minute or o, until it was totally gone) and I felt energized again.
I actually felt like HE had given me energy. Like he sort of healed me, my dizziness???
Thats not possible, right?

When I felt I was in control of my bodily reactions again, I looked back at him, but he wasn`t quite looking at me anymore, though his face was still angled into my direction. In fact he had lowered his head a little and put it into his hands.
He actually looked like I often do (this gesture) when I am desparately trying to figure out what to do about something and am completely at my wits ends.
Not sure what he has been thinking of that moment.

And yes, I spotted him on both nights, when leaving the theatre (and was surprised, usually he takes more time to come out, if I remember it right). iT was hard not to spot him. He was the tall one, surrounded by a crowd. LOL
I donīt think he has seen me though (not sure about sunday, though), and probably didn`t remember or recognize me anyway, as he was in talk with people.

Well, I could have walked over there. But really what would I have had to say?
What cuold I have said or done, that would not make me look just like any fan?

The weird thing is though, that when I had passed the theatre and him, around a curve, I stood there and looked up into the star-shuddered sky, and I saw, that right beside the theatre (and over the theatre as well), and just the spot where he was standing and that I had just passed, ORION was rising.

Can`t escape Orion as it seems.

posted March 03, 2014 01:35 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by tgem:
Oh, my bad..how would one do that Ceri?

In regards to the transits/natal you were referring to..

---

You make a birthchart, taking the date you are interested in. (for example 22nd may 2008; 9:48 p.m. - which was our first meeting date. lol).

And then you can make a composite with each natal.

posted March 03, 2014 01:39 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:
Nope, not really. But then I didn`t expect it, too.

Right now it feels kinda difficult to adapt to the "here", which is not where he is. LOL

---

Man I was soooo hoping you were going to talk to him! Don't you just want to talk to him??!!! About anything! It doesn't matter! How else are you going to know if these feelings/occurrences are mutual if you never TALK to him??!!

Have you ever heard the saying, "rewards in love come with risk?" Maybe the universe is telling you to take a risk and see what happens?

posted March 03, 2014 01:58 PM            

Well, maybe the universe is telling me to just let it go.

Besides I am not getting in line just to talk to someone.

Also, he will always be kind and friendly, if I approach him to talk to him. That`s part of his professional persona.
How much of it is actually "personal", who knows?

WEll, I almost turned round, walked right up to him and asked him straight away if he recognized me. LOL
Luckily I could control myself this time though.

posted March 03, 2014 02:15 PM            

It doesn't play as much anymore. But today, it was the first song I heard, and those haunt me for the day.
http://youtu.be/o0qmMmwO7Ws

Baby, be the class clown;
I'll be the beauty queen in tears.
It's a new art form,
Showing people how little we care.
We're so happy;
Even when we're smiling out of fear.
Let's go down to the tennis court,
Talk it up like, yeah.

I fall apart, with all my heart.
And you can watch from your window.

The original does nothing for me. This strikes me in the heart.

I talked with my husband last night, about everything. My head was mired in it. It still is. He said, plainly the post was 'announcing to the world he's getting laid.' Great. So, no misinterpretations there. Is what it is. I suppose.

I don't know, obviously. I'm not going to enquire. He'll pull the 'none of your business' in some clever enough way to not be cruel, citing his reasons with 'I didn't answer.'

Of course, had that happened, I expected a very different Sunday. AND Monday morning. Facebook postings of random crap back and forth. Stuff on hers - silly, 'code' stuff. Something. Anything.

But there's nothing.

And a part of me thought back to why we approached a sexual relationship back in April 2012 at all. We were dissatisfied with the experiences we had. We wanted more. He seemed to be less than done up with the technical aspects of it, and was craving some other type of experience. I wanted so much to give that to him then. When he destroyed me the following January, it was the worst feeling I'd had of its kind.

Oh, and he'd be blowing up my phone with ideas for the project, and a 'wake-up call' ('because I know you like them') in which he's about to burst into song.

There was none of this.

Bad sex is a curious thing. If you've been seeking a physical connexion for a lengthy time, and the union is less than memorable, or not a match to your expectations, if there's a close friendship, the two of you might go at it again. But if there isn't ....

And, again, it doesn't change the reality that glared yesterday.

I'm terrified - TERRIFIED - of losing my best friend.

Of someone taking my place. Of losing the rare importance I have. I'm too scared to move. I want to run far and fast - AGAIN, but then I ask: what the hell has that gotten me?

What do I WANT?

Mars retro, especially this one, is about reevaluating what we WANT. And it specifically is keyed into 2012, so, stay tuned there.

In the meanwhile, do I assume they did? Do I use that to distance myself? Do I realise we crossed the point of no return that September 2012? That our mutual jealousies are too strong to allow us a conventional friendship? That everything - EVERYTHING - must be on the table for us, or we can't even play?

posted March 03, 2014 02:33 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:
Ah you`re too romantic.

Well, maybe the universe is telling me to just let it go.

Besides I am not getting in line just to talk to someone.

Also, he will always be kind and friendly, if I approach him to talk to him. That`s part of his professional persona.
How much of it is actually "personal", who knows?

WEll, I almost turned round, walked right up to him and asked him straight away if he recognized me. LOL
Luckily I could control myself this time though.

---

posted March 03, 2014 02:37 PM            

that is so unbelievably hard. I find it interesting though that this "hit" us at approximately the same time.

Maybe it DOES have something to do with Mars retro.

Actually just like Venus has been moving forth and back over our composit Venus on 16 Cap, now Mars seems to do the same (our c-Mars is at 23 Libra). *sighs*

posted March 03, 2014 02:41 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by tgem:
Ugh...I'm going to keep working on you LOL 😜

---

LOL
Yeah, please. I welcome that.

Thing is that I DO think there is intrigue on his side, and maybe even attraction, but apparently it is not strong enough, or HE would have approached me.
Though of course having said that MY attraction to him is very strong, and I still didn`t approach him.
On the other hand, I did so three months ago, so I showed some kind of interest, didn`t I?
At least interest in his profession.

posted March 03, 2014 04:29 PM            

I also realised, today, how much this song still means to me; I've a feeling it resonates with you guys as well.

posted March 03, 2014 04:40 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:
Ah you`re too romantic.

Well, maybe the universe is telling me to just let it go.

---

It does need to make up its bloody mind, though.

First THAT, then my good 5-minute cry in my husband's friends' bathroom (augh; embarrassing) THEN my resolution that I'm done now. I'm letting him go. I'm making myself move on. I'm done. THEN, five minutes later, my mom's email about the Mars Retro being about doing something you didn't do - in 2012. Something so majorly impacting to your karma and spiritual destiny, you're getting a friggin' 'do over'.

REALLY? ARE YOU EFFING ... ?

I'm losing my mind.

OH. And I awoke at - wait for it - 04:49? Yes! 04:49. My heart was RACING. And this time? All I remember was tapping my husband on the shoulder and saying, 'I can't breathe!'

Because I couldn't.

He holds me and tells me he loves me more than he's ever loved anyone and is so grateful for me.

WTF?

I curl closer to him and think, I wish I knew what that felt like ....

I love that side of him. The Jekyll. He says those sorts of things, and truly believes them, I think. Then the Hyde comes in and tells me how disappointed he is and how I've failed him in so many ways. Augh! Can't keep up. But it's getting much better. More Jekyll than Hyde. Much more.

I don't know what I'm doing. Where I'm going. What anything is or means anymore.

posted March 03, 2014 04:45 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by IndigoDirae:
I'd also decided yesterday I was tired of hiding.

I also realised, today, how much this song still means to me; I've a feeling it resonates with you guys as well.

Since this Mars retro is kicking me back to 2012, it's apt. The first was 23 November 2011; just after I'd reconnected with him to develop LACHESIS. I was trying it out. The second, straight audio, was 08 September 2012; before the 'emotional wrecking ball' but several months after his confession. In any case, as I was actively working on LTS, and things were good.
http://www.singsnap.com/karaoke/r/be81900f4
http://www.singsnap.com/karaoke/r/c4b3ffe44

---

Beautifully sung!

It resonated with me, yes, though more in terms of a "blast of the past"

you know what`S funny?
Do yuo remember how I was telling you about that guy I thought to be the ONE when I was so much younger, and then got a nervous breakdown or something like that?

Well, his husband (but without him) was apparently at the show yesterday, and sitting a row behind me. LOL

posted March 03, 2014 05:09 PM            

just have faith.
This is all part of the path, and noone said it would be an easy one.

As for letting it go, only the rational side of my SElf was saying that.
The other side knows that it can`t be done. Not now. I just can`t, no matter how pathetic that makes me look like.

I am fully aware that this will mybe never be more than what it is now. But keeping me forcefully away from him, even though I can only see him on stage?
I tried that, I REALLY did, repeatedly. And it felt like I was ripping out my freaking heart.
That`s not worth it. Not even my dignity and pride is worth THAT kind of pain.
And despite everything I am happier than I have ever been in my life.
Isn`t that weird? Silly? Pathetic maybe?

Yes, probably, but that`s just like it is.
It`s difficult to let go of the expectations, but maybe THAT can be done, somehow, someday. But letting go of the happiness that it is seeing him, breathing in his energy?

yeah, as I said, I tried to. I can`t do it. Maybe I am simply too weak.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JzOoIn57EUI

I LOVE Jekyll and Hyde, I love Wildhorn`s music. And yet I never saw it on stage, not even when HE played Jekyll/ Hyde.
lol
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2RSil5Vmrg

posted March 03, 2014 05:14 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by tgem:
Man I was soooo hoping you were going to talk to him! Don't you just want to talk to him??!!! About anything! It doesn't matter! How else are you going to know if these feelings/occurrences are mutual if you never TALK to him??!!

Have you ever heard the saying, "rewards in love come with risk?" Maybe the universe is telling you to take a risk and see what happens?

I have nominated myself as your new TF cheerleader LOL!!!

---

Me too.

Come on, Ceri, you know you're not "just another fan"...

posted March 03, 2014 05:22 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by MorpHnStorM:
Me too.

Come on, Ceri, you know you're not "just another fan"...

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LOL
Thanks, yes I hope I am not just another fan. But you never know what he thinks, right?

posted March 03, 2014 06:00 PM            

quote:

---

In the meanwhile, do I assume they did? Do I use that to distance myself?

---

@ Indigo and anyone else suffering right now...

The words "letting go" have been coming up again and again in the last couple of pages, and this really is what needs to happen. It needs to happen, and it will happen...Reaching that state of surrender; releasing those attachments and the expectations, having Faith, Trusting (the other word that's been mentioned, letting go and letting that love flow. You let go of those attachments, those ideas/expectations you have, and you let go of the pain/the emotions. When you do this, the love can flow freely and you'll get the peace and clarity (spiritual and otherwise) you're so desperately seeking...And, you can effectively heal and continue your spiritual growth...Again, you cannot have affective communication with spirit as long as you've got all these emotions blocking you. It's good for you to get these emotions out, to move through them; it is a sort of grieving process. But, you cannot get stuck...You can't continue to wallow in them...

I want to add, that "Letting go" (and moving on) does not mean "giving up" and "forgetting about", or "cutting off", when it comes to the love/bond/union you share with the other, particularly if the reason for doing so is because you can't have the other the way you want them (because that's not truly letting go, unless it's an unhealthy/toxic connection we're talking about...then it's a bit different...). That energy/connection will always be there no matter what, and is entirely separate from any ideas/expectations you may have with regards to relationships (or whatever)...It's not going anywhere...It truly is unbreakable...

Easier said than done, I know, but it will happen...You'll get there. You have so much more to live for, and so much more to share with this world...

With Love...

<Edit>
I just saw the last couple of posts, and it seems Indigo and Ceridwen have already (basically_ said this

posted March 03, 2014 06:22 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:
LOL
Thanks, yes I hope I am not just another fan. But you never know what he thinks, right?

---

Yeah, hopefully he wouldn't be so shut off in those moments that he couldn't see/sense you...but you can't worry about that. Just be free and be you

Again, easier said than done, I know (lol).

You did say he was smiling at you this last time...

posted March 03, 2014 06:38 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by IndigoDirae:
I'd also decided yesterday I was tired of hiding.

I also realised, today, how much this song still means to me; I've a feeling it resonates with you guys as well.

Since this Mars retro is kicking me back to 2012, it's apt. The first was 23 November 2011; just after I'd reconnected with him to develop LACHESIS. I was trying it out. The second, straight audio, was 08 September 2012; before the 'emotional wrecking ball' but several months after his confession. In any case, as I was actively working on LTS, and things were good.
http://www.singsnap.com/karaoke/r/be81900f4
http://www.singsnap.com/karaoke/r/c4b3ffe44

---

I'm sorry, but I didn't realize that was actually you singing in that last youtube video I clicked on (many pages ago)! What a lovely voice! It immediately reminded me of Sarah Brightman...

Deliver Me

and...

Loreena McKennitt

The Mummers Dance

the original