posted March 11, 2017 05:55 PM
Thanks CC and Teasel. 
I feel really calm and clear because I KNOW on so many levels, through experience and observation, what I'm talking about. I've seen it, and lived it, survived it, first-hand.
{I grew up in a dysfunctional and abusive home; narcissist mother, mostly absent-father.} (Fits my chart dynamics so well!)
STORY---
In my early 50s (age), I had finally divorced and run away successfully from a domestic-abuse situation with PTSD from it (in the mid to later 1990s). He later stalked me, psychologically and physically-- which was scary.
When things had finalized, I did my final relo-move here, in order to start over again from scratch. Build my foundation, become economically self-sufficient-- at last! Life recovery was in my sights.
But ex2 discovered me 'on camera' in the congregation of a televised (televangelist's) church service...
.. He began (from out of state, long distance) to influence and ply my pastor with GENEROUS continuing donations, with that pastor KNOWING 'who' I was IN his church. 'Money' talks? and so had my ex through personal correspondence? (Maybe trying to 'lure' me back to a relationship with him?)
(I will skip the rest of that).
I had tried to 'start over' in life finally, then suddenly{!} lost 2/3rds of my income (due to no fault of my own). 9-11 tragedy hit very hard. Weather events of Katrina displaced people to this area (bumping me from the housing voucher list). Apartments went 'condo' which also further restricted available suitable low income housing.
In the mean time,
Within a month of my relo here, I had (voluntarily) approached to enlist help from social agencies in order to find a job-counselor for me.
I was placed in the cue waiting on appointments that weren't going to be available (to me) for several months (due to their limited-funding?). I tried to 'learn' the geography of my locale in the mean time, scouting things out, learning about the industries here and where and how I could fit in, interest-wise.
I was trying to find suitable supportive employment environment for myself (supported by small disability check, and dwindling savings) in order to re-enter the job market (which seemed to confuse them??? because in their eyes, I didn't "need" to?).
With the sudden loss of 2/3rds of my income, savings used to finish out my lease on apartment, I wound up 'homeless' within two months. I was very 'proud' that I had fulfilled my lease to the end, without default. (Having good credit is very important in the housing markets here.)
HOMELESS...
I actually "lived" the absolute abject terror (to me) experience of being homeless and living in the sheltered-systems.
I witnessed terrible abuse of people there; and living in shelters is VERY expensive. (I wouldn't be able to 'afford' that at all now.)
I've experienced being surprise-pinned into a tight corner by a small aggressive female group, who threatened and TOLD me that Entitlements are NOT for whites.
I was informed that I was 'taking the place of deserving-minorities' as long as I stayed there.
The staff would always look the other way, even when bullies shoved, scratched, and threatened further bodycontact.
I was lewdly gawked-at by a certain lesbian there, who would follow me to the showers and stand to 'watch'-- When I reported it, the staff casually laughed and said 'oh, we know who that is. That's so-n-so, and LOL, that's what she does! 'tee-hee, tee-hee'!!' (She had permission.)
That was triggering to me at the time, because I had a history of having been personally sexually 'taken advantage of' BY a lesbian social worker in the 'help' systems, (late'60s,early1970s).
.. It had taken me two years, but I had 'finally' leaped and took the risk to expose abuse, and violence in home in my earlymid-teens-- She had seen the bruising I had, and knew it was a bad situation. She came to get me personally. My mom threatened to call the police, and she said DO that, and I'll show them her bruises.
.. However, unknown to anyone else, during that time, she had made me an offer I couldn't refuse-- Be returned to my mother's home (and she would fix the records so that I would NEVER be believed), I could 'take my own life', OR cooperate with her sexually.
In my life I paid a terrifying penalty, and self-integrity violations, in order to "just" keep staying alive-- 'jumping from the frying pan INTO the fire'.
Back to the sheltered experience,
The staff always looked the 'other way' when these aggressives acted-out on me and other people there.
The bullies were mostly fresh out of jail. Many in the shelter system use this as a step-down after jail. They knew each other, and had their power-grid dynamicas already established from jail-culture. This was the 'invisible' government of power IN the shelter, unbeknownst to unjailed persons needing assistance. The bullies had little to no consequences for their not following rules.
They'd give me dirty towels for shower. (Once, my towel was smelly and full of dog-hairs from off the shelter's director's floor--- the persons after me received fresh ones).
When the cook quit for a week, 'they' took over, and knowing I had foods I couldn't eat, they deliberately served this for that week. (I lost a dramatic amount of weight, and becoming 'too thin' at that time.)
One girl who received 'special' privileges, was actually an emancipated-minor, involved in a (known) lesbian relationship with the shelter director. She used to set an alarm clock go off every hour, "just" to disturb my sleep on purpose... for weeks. They let her stay inside the shelter all day long, when the others were forced outside.
The staff decided they wanted new shirts that matched. For two weeks, they purchased these with the money that was "supposed to" go to pay the bill for industrial disinfectant-detergents delivered to the shelter. (This was used by residents to clean the shelter daily, at chore-time). Some of the more well-off residents scrambled to scrape up funds for buying gallons of bleach to disinfect what we could.) But a skin disease ensued. Huge sores puss and scabs, started to make its rounds among some of the residents there.
The 'gangs' within the shelters would also get-together and fabricate stories against people they didn't like. They'd report these tales to 'certain' ones on the shelter's staff, who then would "write them up" with 'punishments' or even ousting people (unfairly).
One of the TRULY HEARTLESS abuses that I directly-observed and witnessed, was that certain staff were denying access to medication for medically-balanced schizophrenics in the shelter. (They did not like people with MH labels.)
They were set-up by being given a slim 'window' of time, ONLY open for a small unpredictable few minutes-- and IF, for any reason, that person wasn't there, they didn't get to access their meds for the day.
.. (Each resident was frisked daily, and prescription medications found on their persons were confiscated. ... with ~most people.)
.. These meds were kept locked behind the shelter's counter.
My HEART just ached for a certain Beautiful (Caucasian) person, because after about a week of off-on being denied meds, this person went into a full-blown 'episode.'
.. I had made a GOOD Connection to her, and helped her feel safe. I was good at interpreting what she tried to say with her crazed-speech, that would intermittently clear when she knew she was safe with me. I KNOW she appreciated it. Thing is, her episodes (trying to communicate) would 'upset' the other residents. She heartlessly was cast back out into the streets (which WAS their agenda).
She had made good progress, and they caused her episode-regression back into madness... by denying her medication. She wasn't the only one I watched being 'baited' like that.
Even through the abuses there, I had made a Good reputation for myself.
I was a role model for good behaviors, and known as a respected Christian girl who tried to walk her talk.
The bullies eventually came to a certain level of respect for me. I had some fairly balanced relationships there with some others. I lasted a long time. I faired better than others who had passed thru their midsts.
Years later... I was approached by a girl who had BEEN at that shelter same time as me. She praised me.
.. She said one of the things she marveled and admired most is that I knew how to 'mind my own business' when I needed to. I was a peacemaker among the 40 women. And remembered for some of my more-humorous antics.
They tried to put me into a tech school for education, but I was so harassed and environmentally sensitive (in terror) at the shelter that I couldn't concentrate well, and was (medically) put on leave, without being able to complete the coursework.
I eventually then, had to leave the shelter-system, under threats. And I wound up living in 'unsheltered homelessness' for a few years.
UNSHELTERED....
I lived the EXHAUSTION of trying every single day to survive-- trying to find adequate food during the day (that I could actually eat), and the terror of darkness coming each day and needing to find a 'safe' place to lay my body and try to sleep. Did that for a number of years?
(And I'm shaking as I recall the trauma of those years to you.)
I almost died--- literally coming within a matter of perhaps 20 minutes to death, DUE to prejudice and discrimination at a local hospital emergency room that REFUSED to see me.
I had tried to be seen for all day. Gave up, got on the bus, and went back to the spot I normally (found covering) and slept.
.. I was in pain while I went to the convenience store where I 'usually' went to get some hot-liquid before retiring.
.. The manager, an Egyptian, heard my story for that day, and he INSISTED to drive me to a different emergency room.
.. Those people DID look at me, and IMMEDIATELY admitted me for surgery and a course of strong antibiotics to be administered through a catheter TO my heart chambers.
.. I was diagnosed with FOUR lethal blood infections that had hit my body 'all at once'... any ONE of which could have taken my life. 'But, GOD!...'
.. I am alive and typing this right now, thanks to the interest and Kindness of the foreigner, an immigrated Egyptian man, who insisted on taking me to get the help I needed;
.. and Thanks to GOD for giving me a miraculous healing. My blood shows NO sign of that disease now. GOD Healed me, and it was recorded as an anomalous Healing by the disease-control people.
I lived 'on the streets' unsheltered (with NO CAR to sleep in, or be able to drive myself to places (like a job).
.. People who can afford running a car, can access work MUCH easier.
I lived that nightmare for a chunk of years.
Being 'cold' and out in the elements, HURTS--
For me, I have a delicate body and constitution, and suffered greatly and muchly indeed.
.. I think I may still have PTSD for 'that' experience now? There is extraordinary suffering to go through that experience, having a delicate body and senses,
.. And with owning a deeply tender Heart that was SENSITIVE to 'watching' others suffer abuses too. (via other humans, OR, the exposure to weather-elements).
For me, (reading this thread, and) watching stories on the news, is like going though the suffering again.
That's one of the reasons I found the ref to "mirror neurons" intriguing. This COULD play a part in some people experiencing news-fatigue? or secondary-ptsd symptoms. Fascinating!
To SUM ....
I remember how deeply deeply terrifying that was to live "unsheltered" and in homelessness.
I was in my 50s, a female (white) who had had a lifetime dealing with abuse already; who owns a very empathetic and sensitive soul, living with a delicate body-system...
I hid in plain sight, cleverly.
I did my utter-best to stay clean, and tried not to smell. I never EVER wanted to be 'visually' identified AS an unsheltered homeless person, or even give the indication that I was homeless at all.
Sometimes I'd be sitting on a bus or on a bench, and people struck up a conversation about the homeless, and their complaints about them (which, honestly, I could agree with concerning some stereotypes).
But they never knew (or could 'tell' from the outside that I was one.
<<<Cropping a group of long paragraphs>>>
Several months ago, I'd heard TD Jakes tell his theory of how to REALLY help people. (I hope this can do his idea justice.)
(I think) he says that 'successful' folks in life ought really to 'adopt' (take under their wings) persons who sincerely DO wish to be helped.
Rather than keep throwing ALL the money into batch-charities, that individual's and families, or groups of professional people, or folks in the same industry, ought really to surround some of these individuals needing assistance, and adopt them into (a different) family, (if that's the support needed, for example, for a teen who needs to run away from abuse or dysfunction, to finish the schooling they need).
People could be adopted by groups of professionals, in order that these disadvantaged individuals get the 'holistic' mentoring environment they need, not only to survive it, but to thrive.
He says that some things are not just 'taught' (in the educational system), but there are missing survival-skills needed, and professional skills, that can be 'CAUGHT' when recipients are placed in corrective-environments.
We can absorb life's educational things in a more holistic way, by merely steeping, living with and associating, with other successful individuals.
Whenever you batch (for very general example) a group of 'victims' together, then this has the danger of creating (unconscious) reinforcement of the identity and 'mindset' of these individuals that unconsciously limits them?
It's VERY subtle, and subconsciously picked up.
And in no way, should any of those individuals be blamed.
There are Beautiful Charity orgs who put MUCH effort into helping to solve the problem of 'suffering' and losses, and act as angels of mercy in helping others to STEP UP to another level in their life-- these offer the Gift of Life, the chances of Hope and a 2nd lease on living.
(My Heart is so moved at times. I cry thinking about how GOOD some people ACTUALLY are.)
While there is great evil going on at this time in Society, there are ALSO industrious ANGELS of great Mercy trying to fill in those 'holes of care', daily pouring out their Compassions on others.
(I ask Heaven's Abundance to pour EXTRA HEAVILY into their budgets at this time. More than ever, with changes right now.)
So! I hope this all made sense?
I'm going to post without *proofreading* for right now?
*PLEASE Honor my request not to whole quote right now. I may need to 'adjust' parts of this--
for my own privacy, and, so I can clarify sentences*
THANK YOU AGAIN, Teasel, CC.
*No whole quoting*
Topic Closed
Lindaland
posted March 11, 2017 03:57 PM
posted March 11, 2017 04:51 PM
posted March 11, 2017 05:55 PM
posted March 11, 2017 06:48 PM
