posted January 20, 2011 07:04 AM            

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – Calls for a reduction in violent political rhetoric have plunged the Fox News Channel into chaos, with a Fox spokesperson warning today that such a move “would leave us with 24 hours to fill.”

“Let’s not underestimate the giant hole this would create,” said spokesperson Carol Foyler. “Fox without violent rhetoric would be like The Weather Channel without maps.”

Ms. Foyler said Fox was preparing for a “worst-case scenario” in which it was pressured to air responsible statements in place of its current programming: “If it comes to that, God forbid, we’ll just air 24 hours of ‘24’.”

In contrast with Ms. Foyler’s alarmed comments, Fox host Glenn Beck took the news of a possible programming change in stride: “If I’m kicked off the air, I’ll return to my first love: standing in the back of crowded theaters and yelling, ‘Fire.’”

But Fox commentator Sarah Palin was less enthusiastic about the new call for tempered rhetoric: “For the first time in my life I don’t have anything to write on my hand.”

In other cable news developments, CNN confirmed that it was considering dropping Kathleen Parker from its “Parker Spitzer” program, but said it had balked at Elliot Spitzer’s suggestion of “a different woman every night.”

posted January 20, 2011 10:25 AM            

Queens, NY

A tip from a hospital employee led to the Queens Aairy hospital in Queens this morning when it was reported that an A. Borowitz had been checked into the Psychiatric ward.

The hospital spokeswoman declined to provide any information either in the positive or negative citing Hospital Privacy Policy.

Later in the morning this reporter confirmed an A. Borowitz has been checked in as a patient but the hospital employee declined to state the nature of Mr. Borowitz's medical problem or whether he was checked into the Psychiatric ward citing Hospital Privacy Policy. He did however confirm that he recognized Mr. Borowitz.

Stay tuned for updates as more information becomes available.