Posts: 187
From: South Korea
Registered: Nov 2010

posted January 19, 2011 06:12 PM            

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What you're saying about always looking around outside myself for clues as to how I should feel and act is spot on. That's why I prefer to be alone. When I'm with people I am a total actress, carefully reading what I think they want from me and giving it to them. The consequences of making a mistake in this is fatal. Fatal! That's usually why I isloate myself. When I'm alone I trust myself completely. When I'm with others that trust disappears completely and instantly. It drives me nuts! I'm like, can't you hold onto your real self for only a couple of seconds??? But I dread the werid looks and reactions I'd get ... How often I say something or do something and someone else totally doesn't get it or misinterprets it and I'm like, well, I wish YOU would work harder to get ME! It's so exhausting to communicate with people when you're like this, especially when there are several different people together. I can handle one person at a time but when two or more are together I get so confused and I just shut down.

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be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter!

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posted January 19, 2011 06:16 PM            

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In fact I gotta take a break a bit cos I gotta get ready for the day bbl to read more ... Thank you Ami your are amazing. This morning I feel as if your words are exactly like golden arrows of healing light hitting my heart and each one feels wonderful!

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be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter!

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From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
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posted January 19, 2011 06:44 PM            

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I am so glad you understand ,Fatinkerbel.
I think that there are processes for getting sick and processes for healing.
God MADE the body to be self healing---body and mind.
The keys are not easy to find.However,when you do,they work.
Thank you for taking this journey with me.
I appreciate,also, the other people on this thread who have embarked on this journey with us.
We did not want to have to take it. However, we were propelled down in such a way that the climb up MUST be taken if our life is to have the meaning and fufillment God meant for us.
We,as humans, were made to have an abundant life.
I think we can get there !!!!!!!
I have hope ,today.
When I don't ,I will come to you,guys,for a hand.
When YOU don't,please come to me,likewise

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face,touch and feel the dregs of Nessus before you can grasp the pristine beauty of Neptune.
Me

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posted January 19, 2011 07:02 PM            

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This journey is too hard to take ,alone. I am glad we all have each other!

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face,touch and feel the dregs of Nessus before you can grasp the pristine beauty of Neptune.
Me

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From: South Korea
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posted January 19, 2011 10:26 PM            

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Gypsee I'm reading the article about Betsy Lerner carefully! Thanks for the link! I'll also look for the vid later ... I know I sound ignorant but it rings a bell but I dunno if it's a song or a book ... or ... So... uhm... what is 'How to save a life'?
: D

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be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter!

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posted January 19, 2011 10:36 PM            

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Thank you motyogo ...
Thank you Amy for responding to my responses. I'm a teensy bit distracted now because why I'm learning a song for a karaoke challenge that has a deadline not so many hours from now ... Buuuut, I'll be ... back : )

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be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter!

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posted January 20, 2011 09:27 AM            

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Thank you for all you share,Fatinkerbel.
It propels me on cuz I know I am not alone.
Not being alone is a wonderful thing.
My writing here was based on the premise that we are all alike,basically.
If *I* have been hurt in a certain way,other people will have,also.
If I was abused in a certain way,other people will have,also.
Now,if I heal in a certain way,other people will ,also.
We,all,have differences,of course,but many ,many similarities.
I am gifted in that I will speak out when I need to.
I think it is Pluto conjunct the MC.
As much as I have lost my confidence,I,always retained a part of me that was strong.
It was a strange paradox to have great insecurity but ,also, a part that KNEW I was worth something.
My grandmother's love put that part in,I think.
That part allows me to express myself.

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face,touch and feel the dregs of Nessus before you can grasp the pristine beauty of Neptune.
Me

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posted January 20, 2011 09:31 AM            

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I am learning now is that we must get back to our feelings.
Our feelings ARE us.
A child "feels"
Feelings just are.
This is very hard for me.Do you feel the same?
It is VERY hard when you were told you were bad and you feel it with every bone in your body and to your very core.

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face,touch and feel the dregs of Nessus before you can grasp the pristine beauty of Neptune.
Me

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From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
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posted January 20, 2011 09:36 AM            

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Horrible sensations will fall on us as we ATTEMPT to feel our feelings.
Horrible condemnation,shame, grief and sadness come like tidal waves.
We think we will be washed away.
The trick is to hold on and just FEEL the buried feelings.
They are energy.
They are what we felt at the TIME we threw ourselves away,as kids.
They are coming out so we can heal.
Anyone who needs help can always contact me.
If you need a buddy going through this,contact me,please.
I have buddies --both online and in my 3D
or on FB
Check out Randall's FB account and you will see my name-- Ami
Invite me to be a friend

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face,touch and feel the dregs of Nessus before you can grasp the pristine beauty of Neptune.
Me

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posted January 20, 2011 09:57 AM            

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One of the hardest feelings is anger/hatred.
Kids feel these.
Feelings are OK.
I am trying to deal with GREAT hatred I have toward someone.
Last night,God touched me with the answer.
I am Jewish.I reached out to an Arab who had hurt me, badly.
It was God who did it,not me.
No way was it me, never.
I could never have done it.
It showed me the power of God's love.
That power is the only thing that can forgive the type of hatred I have for someone who was responsible for my son's death.
My hatred is sooo deep that only a Divine intervention such as God's love can touch it.
God brought the situation between myself and the Arab to my mind.
I did nothing but move aside and let God's love flow.
It was nothing "special" about me .I,simply,had the wisdom to step aside.

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face,touch and feel the dregs of Nessus before you can grasp the pristine beauty of Neptune.
Me

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posted January 20, 2011 12:32 PM            

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I am having the most scary,feelings of sadness and grief,today.
If anyone is a praying person,please pray for me.
I am gonna let them ride out but ,man, they are bad.

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face,touch and feel the dregs of Nessus before you can grasp the pristine beauty of Neptune.
Me

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From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
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posted January 20, 2011 02:20 PM            

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OK
I figured out something important.
If you let the feelings flow over you, they will leave and you will feel more and more healthy.
It is super slow,though lol

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face,touch and feel the dregs of Nessus before you can grasp the pristine beauty of Neptune.
Me

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posted January 20, 2011 02:23 PM            

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quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
I am having the most scary,feelings of sadness and grief,today.
If anyone is a praying person,please pray for me.
I am gonna let them ride out but ,man, they are bad.

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I'm sorry Ami and I feel for you. Those kind of days are very hard to deal with and can really take a toll on a person. Sometimes, when I get to feeling like that (which happened about two weeks ago), I tend to take a break and watch lame TV shows to take my mind off of things (unless I am being a total jerk and post things I should not post).

Take care and I wish the best for you.

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posted January 20, 2011 02:37 PM            

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I think I am realizing some really big things.
This may be hard to get as things are before we experience them lol

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posted January 20, 2011 02:39 PM            

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I realized this last night.
*I* became numb when I was 14 so I was a "normal"kid before that.
The thing that kept me normal was realizing my mother was an idiot.
I never listened to her or trusted her.
I was wary of her and she hurt me but I KNEW she was an idiot.
Who would listen to an idiot?

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face,touch and feel the dregs of Nessus before you can grasp the pristine beauty of Neptune.
Me

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posted January 20, 2011 02:41 PM            

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I was a very perceptive kid(Scorp ASC,8th house stellium, Pluto conj MC)
I knew things in the lightning fast way Scorpio's do.
I read all the time.I read a book a day ,sometimes lol

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face,touch and feel the dregs of Nessus before you can grasp the pristine beauty of Neptune.
Me

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posted January 20, 2011 02:45 PM            

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So, the more I read ,the more I realized my mother was an idiot cuz the people in books were sane,often lol

I repeated this mantra,over and over. "My mother is an idiot and I am smart"
It kept me sane until events overwhelmed my reality and I gave my reality up i.e became numb

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posted January 20, 2011 02:48 PM            

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I have a point in explaining this background.
When I became numb,I became enmeshed with my mother's reality.
I became HER in a way.
She became a permanent leech on me,one of the parasitic organisms you study in biology which are so gross you want to throw up

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face,touch and feel the dregs of Nessus before you can grasp the pristine beauty of Neptune.
Me

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From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010

posted January 20, 2011 02:52 PM            

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Well, as I heal I feel the leech getting pulled off me,slowly, as slow as can be.
I can SEE her for what she is and ,more importantly, that she is NOT me or part of me.
Fatinkerbel, this is a CRUCIAL step.

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face,touch and feel the dregs of Nessus before you can grasp the pristine beauty of Neptune.
Me

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posted January 20, 2011 08:36 PM            

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if you ever wondered, this is how my home town looks...this isnt my home town, but it was filmed in the ghettos of NC
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tHnA94-hTC8&ob=av2el

you know, i have no idea why i posted this, lol

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put your foot down once, not stomp it over and over

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posted January 20, 2011 11:39 PM            

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Gypsee I searched for your video and found it and it's really cool and it's first time I've seen so that's like so awesome ... NickiG now YouTube is giving me the same message as it did when I tried to look at Gypsee's vid and that is Sorry blocked in your country on copyright grounds! So gimme some search-words and I'll look it up.

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be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter!

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posted January 20, 2011 11:40 PM            

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petey pablo-raise up

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put your foot down once, not stomp it over and over

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posted January 20, 2011 11:44 PM            

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Ami your insight about how we gotta reverse the way abusers made us act really helped with a situation that's now only concluded today ... I said to myself, OK what is it I did or didn't do before in reaction to a traumatic situation ... and I made myself do like the reverse and actually it was so hard at first but it totally worked out!
Anyways, so there's a backstory between you and an Arab, wow ... Stuff like that is so complex because it's impossible to see through it .. it's like an evil spell ... If you're overwhelmed by feelings you should convert them into something you can access again through use of a symbol or a mantra or something and then save the feelings under that 'file' and then wait for the affect to die down like ripples in a pond. Just keep still until it's gone and you have clarity again. That way you can return to analyze your feelings when it is safe to do so .... Does that make any sense?

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be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter!

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posted January 20, 2011 11:46 PM            

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My vacation is finally here ... today's my last schoolday of the year of the tiger and I'll be back again in the year of the rabbit ... I'll try to get to a computer between now and then but if you don't hear from me no worries I'm SMAO (sleeping my you-know-what off)

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be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter!

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posted January 20, 2011 11:54 PM            

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I'm watching your home town vid NickiG ... nice blue sky ... : )

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be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter!

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