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Author
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Topic: silence rhymes with violence
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fatinkerbel
Knowflake Posts: 187
From: South Korea
Registered: Nov 2010
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posted January 02, 2011 06:04 PM
  
Ami Ann, I've read the bell jar too. I couldn't bring myself to read it more than once though. I know what you mean though about wanting stories to end differently ... Anyway if I remember correctly the character receives electro-shock therapy and I found that soooo scary. I have this problem of admiring and envying people who have committed suicide, like Sylvia Plath. To be honest I have for years, untill recently, been planning to kill myself on my 40th birthday. Strangely enough it was astrology that made me change my mind. The thing is it's kinda weird to plan for the future if for so long you saw yourself as exempt from the future. What changed my mind was learning about the South Node North Node karmic thing ... of how your south node is your comfort zone but the thing you have to break free from, sort of like your karmic duty, and that it's really really difficult seeming but it's what you must do. So my Cancer south node was for me like: o I can't live this life, I need someone to help me and there's no one I'm all alone ... this was specifically in relation to feeling like I don't have a partner and feeling that I've never been loved for who I am really all the way through and through ... so this deep romantic yearning ... So I said to myself, unless I marry my soulmate before forty I'm gonna kill myself! Mature huh? Then I realized the Capricorn north node means that even though I feel helpless I am actually able to survive and that I must continue trying to do so and if I try things will go my way. It's been working so far. However, now I seem to cut off a lot from my feelings. Difficult to find balance.------------------
be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter! IP: Logged |
fatinkerbel
Knowflake Posts: 187
From: South Korea
Registered: Nov 2010
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posted January 02, 2011 06:07 PM
Yup I know about Chiron on my Asc ... not that I like it very much ... being perpetually wounded is NOT fun!!! I've often felt in the past that I can help other people easily but I find it hard to be helped. I think you're a first Amy : )------------------
be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter! IP: Logged |
fatinkerbel
Knowflake Posts: 187
From: South Korea
Registered: Nov 2010
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posted January 02, 2011 06:09 PM
Want to hear something weird, Fatinkerbel
Your Nessus is conjunct my Mercury.
_____________________
I'm always ready to hear more weird things. My Nessus conjunct your Mercury means I guess I can communicate with you about what happened, right?------------------
be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter! IP: Logged |
fatinkerbel
Knowflake Posts: 187
From: South Korea
Registered: Nov 2010
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posted January 02, 2011 06:19 PM
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Did you leave your Christian beliefs, Fatinkerbel?
I am gonna write about my mother,on your thread.
I wrote about her on a 500 post thread.I don't mind hijacks .However , it hijacked in to "Your Favorite Astrological Music"thread which was a bit weird lol.One day,I looked at it and wished it were gone.
The next day,it dissappeare
-----------------No in fact I found my Christian beliefs again strangely enough but they're much more broad now as you can imagine. I've also done yoga and meditation and read about many other religions and of course I'm a new age girl now or else I wouldn't be on this forum! I don't attend churches but I am sympathetic to people with all kinds of beliefs. However the feeling that I'm "saved" has sort of persisted through-out my life. Actually I sometimes want to cancel that you know, and like go, no thanks, I'd rather go to HELL! Well heaven and hell are both right here and I've been up and I've been down. I guess I've become more old testament though because I really can't do the forgiveness thing any more and I'm no longer that good at turning the other cheek : ) I do however trust that Higher Power sees me through all possible problems I might have. Actually there's this prayer I have about putting things into the Something For Jesus To Do Box .... and my SFJTD box is always overflowing. So I guess yeah I've kept my Christian beliefs but now I tend to be a dark kinda Christian you know? I'm mean I'm just not that into being loving. I think it's OK to hate sometimes. I'm a BIG Marilyn Manson fan. Marilyn Manson expresses almost all the kind of sentiments I have .... for example "I never really hated the one true God, but the God of the people I hated."
Anyways please write on this thread Ami ... it's good for me to hear that I'm not alone. I gotta go now cos my students are showing up (yes I'm working, can you believe it????) ------------------
be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter! IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 02, 2011 07:31 PM
I came to write ,Fatinkerbel,but my connection to you is making me cry so I am gonna come back later  ------------------
Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
Pluto conjunct Deja ,Bruh. IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 02, 2011 07:42 PM
I am so touched by some things you wrote .
I am a Christian.Dark Christian, that is funny.
I guess I am ,too. I do Kundalini Yoga,have Out of Body experiences,am crazy about astrology and eat a raw food diet.
That should qualify me as dark  ------------------
Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
Pluto conjunct Deja ,Bruh. IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 02, 2011 07:42 PM
dpIP: Logged |
fatinkerbel
Knowflake Posts: 187
From: South Korea
Registered: Nov 2010
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posted January 02, 2011 10:31 PM
I also feel a strong connection to you Ami Ann. Don't cry!! Anyway, I used to be a vegetarian so I applaud you for sticking to a raw food diet. Wow that's really hard actually. For health reasons I can't be a vegetarian so I just say thank you to all the animals I eat. Here, I'll post a short video about crying that will make you cry about something else ... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95jXJAe-t0k&NR=1 ------------------
be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter! IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 03, 2011 08:28 AM
Dear Fatinkerbel
I will write about my mother ,later.
I started a "program" to come out of numb at the time I got on LL.
I compiled a variety of ideas from different sources.
I will detail it in coming posts. We can talk about it  ------------------
Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
Pluto conjunct Deja ,Bruh. IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 03, 2011 10:52 AM
Dear Fatinkerbel,
I am coming out of numb from my own program I devised a year ago.
It is a work in progress which I modify,constantly.
I will share some things for your consideration.
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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
Pluto conjunct Deja ,Bruh. IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 03, 2011 10:53 AM
dpIP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 03, 2011 10:55 AM
When we have been abused,I think our problem is simple, in a way.
We have layers of distortions about ourselves which we believe are true.
The PROBLEM is that these distortions will not go away with left brain methods.
That is why I think people never heal in a real way.
Most healing modalities ARE for the left brain .------------------
Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
Pluto conjunct Deja ,Bruh. IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 03, 2011 10:58 AM
A left brain method would be anything that is rational/intellectual.
That is why all the reasoning in the world never helps such as "You have everything, be happy"
IMO and IME,Therapy ,if it appeals to the rational side, will not help.
Also , in the category of left brain methods would be the "self help" books.------------------
Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
Pluto conjunct Deja ,Bruh. IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 03, 2011 11:03 AM
My chosen modality for healing would be "The Primal Scream" by Janov.
The problem with it is that the layers/defenses come off too fast.
Also, you must go for 3 weeks to his clinic.In those 3 weeks, your defenses get peeled off in a "violent" way.
I would consider this if I lived closer but it feels too intense and too traumatic.
However,I think the theory behind it is the only way to heal i.e.you must leave your old ideas about yourself/layers/defenses behind.THESE are the problem.These are what are making us miserable and dysfunctional.
If a magic wand could strip off these defenses and take us back to our pre-defenses days, we would be emotionally healthy. ------------------
Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
Pluto conjunct Deja ,Bruh. IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 03, 2011 11:04 AM
I will leave this here,for now,and come back ,later.
Maybe,someone will want to comment on it or ask a question.------------------
Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
Pluto conjunct Deja ,Bruh. IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 03, 2011 11:43 AM
I am gonna add things as they hit me. One of the biggest parts to this kind of healing is to accept ALL your feelings as legitimate.
You must feel them,embrace them and know that they are all there for a reason.
They are not bad or "abnormal"
If they hurt really badly,keep feeling them.
Eventually,the hurt will transmute to understanding.
In time, the layers will burn off and the pure, pristine and true you,will be underneath.------------------
Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
Pluto conjunct Deja ,Bruh. IP: Logged |
fatinkerbel
Knowflake Posts: 187
From: South Korea
Registered: Nov 2010
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posted January 03, 2011 05:33 PM
What you say about distortions and defenses makes sense to me. I have like not only outer defenses but inner defenses and they are enormously difficult to maintain. So I guess I'm like a person living in a castle that is surrounded by fortifications and the fortifications are surrounded by a moat and the moat is surrounded by a dense jungle and the dense jungle is surrounded by a desert and so on and so on. Actually these aren't good examples because they make my defenses seem impenetrable but in fact it feels to me my defenses are very easily broken through. So I have to keep checking every day that all my defenses are in place. Really exhausting. However, if I don't do it, the consequences are disasterous. Well, they have been so in the past.
As for distortions about myself ... that's interesting I never thought of that word before but it's really an excellent word because I feel like every way in which I can possibly see myself is like a crazy mirror that plays tricks on your vision. Sometimes I see myself as super duper invincible super girl, sometimes I see myself as this helpless squishy snail who'se shell has been removed. It's really difficult to form a clear opinion of myself. Of course the other thing is I hide in intellectualizations which are NOT helpful because like you say that is all logic left brain stuff. I got in tarot cards for the symbolism of the images and I use a lot of visualization and imagination ... Still I don't know if that's really helping to actually attack the basic trauma. I agree with you about how certain wounds are never healed ... it's not like getting wounded and then forming scar tissue, it's more like being dismembered and put back together again the wrong way. Or like being disfigured. Anyways ... I'm at work now and not feeling very enthusiastic about it, but I guess my enthusiasm will come to me as the day goes on. At least work keeps my mind off things it doesn't wanna think about. If that's a good thing or a bad thing I dunno, but it is good to have an anchor in 'reality' haha : )
------------------
be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter! IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 03, 2011 08:35 PM
Well,I think wounds CAN heal by this right brain method.
I think God made us self healing creatures.
Read what A_L_F_ wrote on my thread about co-dependency.
He had the answer to the dilemma.The answer is that we must get in touch with our hearts,as children are.
Children who are not interfered with are healthy.
------------------
Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
Pluto conjunct Deja ,Bruh. IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 03, 2011 08:37 PM
This brings me to FEELING your emotions, whatever they are,no matter what they are.
In our emotions is the healing.
Inherent in them are the seeds to take us from emotional/mental illness to health.------------------
Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
Pluto conjunct Deja ,Bruh. IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 03, 2011 08:38 PM
Janov pulled people's defenses off in a violent way.
He would not let them sleep or have any distractions such as TV,radio, etc.
Then,he taunted them with the VERY thing they tried to defend against.
If a person was afraid he was a homosexual,Janov taunted him with this.------------------
Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
Pluto conjunct Deja ,Bruh. IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 03, 2011 08:40 PM
People build up defenses against wounds. Wounds are deep pain we sustained,usually as children.
We NEVER want to hurt that way,again,so we deform so we will never have to feel those painful ,horrible feelings,again.
We twist in some way and at the same time, we believe a false belief like "I am not worth anything unless I perform"------------------
Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
Pluto conjunct Deja ,Bruh. IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 03, 2011 08:42 PM
Each time , we build up a defense against pain, we deform in some way and build a layer of a false belief.
In time, we are very deformed.
These layers are the things we must let go to reclaim our true self lying beneath them.------------------
Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
Pluto conjunct Deja ,Bruh. IP: Logged |
fatinkerbel
Knowflake Posts: 187
From: South Korea
Registered: Nov 2010
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posted January 04, 2011 12:13 AM
The Janov method seems almost like science fiction, doesn't it?------------------
be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter! IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 04, 2011 04:50 AM
To me, the Janov method is the only way to undo the deformity.
It untwists you .It reverses the original twisting.deforming.
How ELSE could you get better ?You must reverse what happened?
Right?
If you apply some method like talk therapy which has no power to reverse the original process whereby you threw yourself away i.e `deformed,HOW can you you get better?------------------
Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
Pluto conjunct Deja ,Bruh. IP: Logged |
fatinkerbel
Knowflake Posts: 187
From: South Korea
Registered: Nov 2010
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posted January 04, 2011 05:41 PM
Can you do it by yourself?------------------
be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter! IP: Logged |
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