Posts: 187
From: South Korea
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posted January 11, 2011 12:06 AM            

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I'm :

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be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter!

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posted January 11, 2011 12:08 AM            

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There. I'm a serious softy.

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be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter!

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From: Pluto, next to Ami Ann
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posted January 11, 2011 12:09 AM            

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omg!!!!! cute kitty!!!!! i luv icanhascheezburger!!!

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put your foot down once, not stomp it over and over

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posted January 11, 2011 12:10 AM            

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Thank you Ami and Nicki ... I don't know his time of birth and I put it at Aries to be neutral ... I don't know how to guess ascendants from faces but he looks kinda like Prince Charles, if that helps.

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be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter!

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posted January 11, 2011 12:27 AM            

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Tink

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From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
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posted January 11, 2011 08:34 AM            

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Dear Fatinkerbel
When I saw your picture,you went in to my heart.
I want to share my intuition for the path of your healing.
Please,share,always,if something I say does not fit.
You will not hurt my feelings.I want to bring all that I am and all that I have to the table for you.
If it is not serving you,PLEASE tell me.

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me

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From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
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posted January 11, 2011 08:37 AM            

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When you wrote about your fantasy about being killed,that showed me the depth to which you have suffered.
That is a clue to the degree to which you HAD to fracture your self in order to survive.
God does this to us so we can go on.We go on as robots but we do go on.
This is the purpose of defense mechanisms.
Without them,we would die of a broken heart,right then and there.

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me

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From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
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posted January 11, 2011 08:38 AM            

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I will write what my mother did to me, on THIS thread so you will know I am a soul sister.
I don't talk from just the head but from the heart.

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me

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From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
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posted January 11, 2011 08:42 AM            

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*I* see the path of your healing as this.
First,I think you need to let secrets go.
It is not enough to let them go in a shrinks office.
We must reveal ourselves in public.
Here is the reason.
We are ONLY as sick as the secrets we keep.
The secrets are like demons.
They whisper that we are bad.
They whisper that no one will like us is they KNOW us.
They make us hide in shame.
Then ,they have us.
Then,we go down .
We could go down in the ultimate way--suicide.
However,there are many forms of suicide such as self destructive behaviors.
We,all have done them.
However, the root is shame i.e.that WE are bad,way down deep,in the CORE.

Telling your secrets exorcises the shame.
It brings light to the darkness.

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me

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From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
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posted January 11, 2011 08:44 AM            

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I see other steps along the way--ordered steps.
There IS a logic to HOW you come out of this.
You have been in a horrible dungeon for a long time
You must allow simple time to have it's way.
You will not come out,overnight.

We can't cuz the shock would be too great.
God ,always,provides ways out.
Trust that AS you come out.

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me

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From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010

posted January 11, 2011 08:47 AM            

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For my next step,I am gonna study you and your fathers charts.
Would it be hard for you to add asteroids?
If you could,add Nessus,Deja,Eros and Lucifer.
It will take me time to meditate on the charts.
It will be a long term project.I will ask you things ,little by little.
My FIRST step out from my abuse was when IQ did my synastry with my mother.
He was the first person to call it like it was.
You may want to ask him to do yours.
In the meantime,I will try to help you like he helped me.
Of course,I am not in any sense in his league lol
However,I can give insights which,hopefully,will help you in the same way that he helped me.

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me

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From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
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posted January 11, 2011 08:50 AM            

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One of the first steps to real and deep healing is SEEING our abuse in the charts.
IQ opened that door for me.
IQ confirmed what my heart knew.
No one ever had the courage to tell me what my heart knew.
Hence, I thought *I* was bad as all abuse victims do.
The chart WILL tell your story.
It will be the first step to detaching from your abuser.
Trust me and have hope.
Even a LITTLE hope is huge.

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me

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Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010

posted January 11, 2011 08:52 AM            

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In the meantime, just keep writing.
I will write ,too.
I am meditating on the charts and on you,too.
I will write,as things hit me
You write about ANYTHING that hits you.
We don't have to have a linear thread.
To me, The Creator is behind your healing,not me and not even you

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me

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From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
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posted January 11, 2011 12:19 PM            

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Dear Fatinkerbel
I am advising courage to you and NOT having the courage to tell my story.
I feel I need to tell you my story.
Some people know it cuz it was on a thread that disappeared lol
I was NOT sorry to see the thread disappear

However, here is my story.

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me

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From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010

posted January 11, 2011 12:23 PM            

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I am just gonna share the one memory that came out from being repressed.
As you can imagine ,this was not an isolated incident as far as the emotional climate in which I lived.
I have ONE memory only like this.
Perhaps, there are more.

This came out as a movie in my head,every detail totally clear.
I could hear my thoughts as a child I could see every detail down to my mother's hairstyle.
When I checked a pix of me and her when I was about that age, she had the same hairstyle
gggrrrrr

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me

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From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010

posted January 11, 2011 12:26 PM            

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I was at an age when I could not talk/express myself in a clear way especially not for complicated situations
I am not sure what age,perhaps 3 or 4.

My mother put me down on the floor between her legs.
I was about at the position of her ankles or a little farther away.
Her back was against a wall.
She masturbated in front of me and LAUGHED at me.

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me

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From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010

posted January 11, 2011 12:28 PM            

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These were the thoughts in my head "I want to die. I want to die.I want to die"

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me

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From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010

posted January 11, 2011 03:21 PM            

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I had a huge epiphany ,Fatinkerbel.
Was not sure where to write it. I will write it here cuz it is a step on the path OUT of this Hell of abuse we have been in.

This is it. I realized my mother's patterns with me.
She undermines me.THEN, tells me her "advice" is for MY OWN GOOD.

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me

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Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010

posted January 11, 2011 03:23 PM            

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Prior to SEEING this a few days ,ago, I believed her over my own gut.
My own gut was telling me WHAT she was doing.
She was lying to save her own face i.e. false face/self.
One road out of abuse is TRUST our feelings above all else, always, always, always to the millionth degree.

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me

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Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010

posted January 11, 2011 03:43 PM            

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This is what I think happened to us but you have to feel it and know it with your gut for it to do any good.
The hate we felt toward them, we put on ourselves.

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me

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Posts: 187
From: South Korea
Registered: Nov 2010

posted January 11, 2011 06:37 PM            

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Hey Ami ... well you said to let go of my secrets so I'll try ... actually I have many more details that I hate to remember and yet they do plague me, so I tell you what I will tell of something that your story reminded me of ... let's do this quickly YUCK!! So anyway I was giving my father a blowjob and he came in my mouth without warning me and he laughed! That's what I remember the most ... The laughter. Not even hysterical laughter, just sort of an off-hand funny chuckle. Horrible, isn't it. Amy you needn't share if you don't want to but thank you for doing it because it does help me to share. My problem is I guess that I'm in no hurry to get healed fully since I've been living with this so long, so I don't feel any urgency. However I will work on this as much as I can ... please forgive me if I go slowly or skip days or weeks ... It's really difficult for me to retain my bouncy energy that I need for my job as a teacher when remembering these things that have been in the dark for so long. I'll add the asteroids to my father's chart later today in the afternoon. I'll also try and figure out synastry. How do you make a synastry chart on astro.com? I haven't made one before I don't think ... It would be cool if IQ could do some asteroid readings and stuff for me ... if he doesn't mind. Amy anyway I was thinking that your username means "a friend" because "ami" is "friend" in short form in Italian and Latinized languages ... and "an ami" would be an English Latin mix for "a friend". So I trust you and really thank you for doing this for me.
Love

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be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter!

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From: Pluto, next to Ami Ann
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posted January 11, 2011 07:25 PM            

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you know tink, this is a secret i havent really told anyone but i will share it with you....i have had an incest fantasy before but the thought of actually doing it has always gave me a sick feeling to my stomach...but if it were role playing i would love it...so when you said you were giving your father a blow job, UGH, thats all i will say...i am so sorry you had to go through that, i feel you even though my molester wasnt related to me

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put your foot down once, not stomp it over and over

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From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
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posted January 11, 2011 07:26 PM            

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It is SO much my pleasure, Fatinkerbel.
God told me to share my memories and I will continue to.
This is a marathon, not a sprint.It WILL take time for you to heal and for me to,also.
God put us together for this time in the journey.
He is so wonderful.Isn't he?

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me

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From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010

posted January 11, 2011 08:12 PM            

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Tomorrow ,I will recount some things with my mother.
You know ,Tink,when I heard of your father's injury,I thought of God.
Once,someone was trying to break down my door,A Voice told me,"I will not let this go on,forever".
I love to think of how He protects us.
God is so awesome.
I found him through PURE pain.
I am a Jewish believer in Jesus.
Right there, it was a LOOOONG journey,home, Girlfriend

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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me

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Posts: 187
From: South Korea
Registered: Nov 2010

posted January 11, 2011 10:11 PM            

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Thank you guys : )
I was thinking I should write a little bit more, because of course I've been thinking now while teaching ... That's one of the bad things ... is how your thoughts continue working on a topic while you have to do something else. I always feel like I get quite a lot insights, and then of course I forget them again. So what I was thinking was this:
The bad thing about abuse is because the social structures for enabling it are already there. Now I am an adult myself ... I am 38, and I'm teaching children. Basically a lot of the techniques I use on them is a lot like the techniques my father used on me ... Let me give you an example ... Just now I was giving the students a choice between what is for them a boring listening exercize and what is for them a boring reading exercize, so they can choose the least of two boring things. The reason why I do this is because things only become interesting once you've started working on it, so to speak ... I mean at first when I started watching Korean movies with subtitles it seemed boring but then I became engrossed ... Anyways, the point is, I'm coercing them into doing something they don't like! But that's my job and I have to do it! I have to teach them English. Just in this way there are zillions of ways adults get kids or younger people or sometimes even older people who are their employees or something to do something. A lot of what we do in life is against our will, but that's life, and sexual abuse is so similar to this. So the incident I recounted above happened months after the first time my father had sex with me as I related in the book extract, and in fact by that time I was having sex with him voluntarily. In fact, I wanted to have sex and he didn't! That's why I tried the bj ... (I'd read about it). The point is, he was dating the other chickie and I was feeling so f * c k i n g alone and depressed and I missed him when he wasn't there ... Usually he slept over at the chickie's house and I was left all by myself in his big house day after day, like a freaking housewife! So I mean, he didn't even suggest it, but the point is I was trying anything to get some time with him. This was during the time when I was really in love with him. It was like he was my boyfriend, exactly like that. I didn't think of him as my father. However, he acted like a father to me by giving me all kinds of rules I had to keep like curfew and when I wanted to get a tattoo he freaked out and said "no daughter of mine will ever get her body tattoo - ed!" etc. So the irony was that he was OK with f * cking me but not with me staying out after midnight. Fortunately it was this idiotic and inconsistent attitude he adopted that snapped me out of it ... but there was this overlapping time when I was both daughter and "stalker" ... if you know what I mean. He didn't want me anymore but I wanted him and went to any lengths to keep him interested. D a m n.
Anyways gotta go eat lunch now ... I'll be back tomorrow (this afternoon I'm not gonna think about this ...)

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be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter!

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