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Author
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Topic: silence rhymes with violence
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Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 12, 2011 03:00 AM
  
Dear Fatinkerbel
You are such a beautiful writer.I have a Gem Sun,Merc and Venus.
I LOVE writing.
Your writing satisfies my Gem and it is not easily satisfied lol
You seem to be able to go in and "get yourself".
I bet you know what I mean.Plath does that in "The Bell Jar"
When I see her or you "get yourselves",it helps me do the same.
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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 12, 2011 03:12 AM
It is so hard to share things.I want to listen to you but nor share about my "ouchies".
One thing is true,I think.
God will lead each of us in this process.
If a memory comes up to be shared,share it.
That is what I am going to do.This one is sooo embarrassing.It is not a huge moment but a little one but it says so much. ------------------
Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 12, 2011 03:15 AM
This was 4 years ago,I think.
I was walking,in the mall, with someone.
I thought, "You don't deserve even to be walking.You should be walking for someone else"
IOW,I don't deserve to even walk with my OWN feet. Isn't that horrible? I have had that ,too, with eating and breathing.
I have the sense that I am sooo bad I do not deserve to eat or breathe. I feel sooo embarrassed leaving this here but I will force myself lol ------------------
Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me IP: Logged |
SunChild
unregistered
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posted January 12, 2011 06:41 AM
I wanted to comment but didn't know what to say... um *gasp*The stories here... fatinkerbell thanks for being so open and with your healing *hugs* Ami, gosh ! I heard you mention things on here but didn't know what exactly, ohmy, that is some twisted perversion (what your mum did), being a parent I can't think of anything more sad... It makes me squeemish. I never once considered that mothers (I have heard more father-step father stories, but hardly hear of mothers doing things like that), and the thought of it makes my face twist in horror.
I want to understand but what is wrong with a parent to do that kind of weird crap?
Makes me want to shake a woman and ask what is wrong with her! WTF!
Ami, your wounded child, omg, I feel for you, but I have no idea what you would have felt, gosh I'm in total shock.
I'm sorry if I didn't respond properly, I guess I have no idea how to react. ------------------
“It’s an interesting thing. Seeing Kuan Yin relating to a flower so intently. She's not just looking at it; she's interacting with it…I’m seeing how the act of relating to a flower appears to be so simple. Yet, it takes a tremendous amount of courage to make such a “simple” act important. Now, the lotus is floating away.” IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 12, 2011 07:31 AM
(((((((Sun Child))))
A person can hear and feel a heart.
I hear yours.
When someone offers her heart as you did, the words are ALWAYS right 
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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 12, 2011 07:37 AM
Dear Fatinkerbel
I hope it is OK to share random things about how God is healing me.
I am having so many things happen.
I know it it.I just wanted to ask.
I think you are like me in that wonderful people and situations get sent to you.
I am a very blessed person in that way.
I have so many things to tell you and anyone who cares to listen and share their own stories
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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 12, 2011 08:13 AM
I am at a good place ,now.I want to cast off the chains my mother bound me in and GROW.
It would be nice if platitudes could do that.
*I* learned big that platitudes will NOT heal you by my son's death.
He has it all. He DID it all,too.
He volunteered at the soup kitchen. He tutored inner city kids.
He loved kids.
People told him platitudes such as "You have it all .Be happy.Some people have no food, no home ,no etc etc etc etc.
He killed himself so don't EVER tell me platitudes work.------------------
Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 12, 2011 08:16 AM
Healing is like fighting in the trenches.It is dirty and ugly.
You are not gonna save your face and your rear end at the same time.
You need people who can go there with you.
Cast off the ones who won't.
Cast off anyone who makes you deny who you are.
God will bring people who will love YOU.
They will be your gifts more precious that diamonds.
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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 12, 2011 08:23 AM
I SEE something really big.This may sound dumb but it is not dumb to anyone who has been there.
All people are NOT the same.
You need to discern who to let in to your life.
This is SUPER important especially if you have been abused.
People are very,very different.
They fall across the spectrum in basic traits.
Some people have no character. If you hook up with them ,you will regret it,badly.
Let people SHOW you who they are.
Believe it.
Choose the winners,always.
They are there.
Don't try to make a loser a winner.It will NEVER work, ever.
This is my most recent lesson,one of them, anyway.
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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me
IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 12, 2011 08:33 AM
Don't anyone feel "sorry" for me.I am not saying anyone on this thread is.
I feel a sense that God is picking me up,dusting me off and making something beautiful of a ravaged life.
I have unique gifts, as we all do.
God never wanted me or anyone to fall so low as to think s/he was worthless.
That is SO outside of God's plan for any of us.
All the things of the world such as other human beings ego's, hurt us. They pushed us down so far we regreted ever being able to stand ,again.
I believe in miracles or else I would never try.
A healed life is a miracle ------------------
Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me IP: Logged |
fatinkerbel
Knowflake Posts: 187
From: South Korea
Registered: Nov 2010
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posted January 12, 2011 05:49 PM
quickly posting this then going back to read posts ...
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be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter! IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 12, 2011 05:57 PM
MAN
HE has Lucifer conjunct the ASC
I have NEVER seen that?
I have to ask IQ about that?------------------
Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me IP: Logged |
fatinkerbel
Knowflake Posts: 187
From: South Korea
Registered: Nov 2010
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posted January 12, 2011 06:01 PM
Urgh ... I had a horrible day after last post. That's the problem with letting thoughts out ... they go running around by themselves outside and it's really hard to get them to heal. The problem with words is the same problem with thoughts ... If you've been over something a million times and still it goes nowhere you gotta conclude that there's nowhere for it to go. Anyway, every honesty seems to cost me quite a bit so be patient.
Ami everything you are doing is OK. I trust you completely. I'm not commenting on your words so much but you can be sure I'm taking them all in. I do feel a little better but I also am feeling kinda out of focus ... Actually I mean it's hard for me to focus on work. I need to snap back into "coping" mode, as limited as it might be. I've so much more that I want to say ... things I've thought about, conclusions I've reached, conclusions I haven't reached, but it's really like doing that drains me of ALL my energy and I have to take a weekend off to recover from it if you mean. It's weird. In the past it really freaked me out ... like, hey, where did all my energy go? Now I manage it a little better.
Little chunks ...
Thanks for reading and writing on this thread, as always ...------------------
be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter! IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 12, 2011 08:24 PM
Fatinkerbel
Trust God
I love you 
Take your own time.I will keep writing.
You come back WHENEVER you want.
I feel my next step is to do your charts--you and your father's .
I will do them ,slowly.
The charts yield the answers of our lives.
God made the charts.
In your deepest hours of sorrow, remember God made you and it will be all right.------------------
Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 12, 2011 08:27 PM
Tomorrow, I will link some video's of people who went to the other side----NDE's.
They will help.
They help me in my deepest hours of trials.
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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 12, 2011 08:55 PM
I wrote down all yours and your father 's placements.
I am gonna meditate on them.
I wish I was better but that only comes with time.
You can trust me,Fatinkerbel. I TRY to honor God with my life.
I fail ,miserably,but I do have that value as my goal.
That is the most one can aspire to attain.
I know you get that
Be safe in that,Friend ------------------
Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me IP: Logged |
fatinkerbel
Knowflake Posts: 187
From: South Korea
Registered: Nov 2010
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posted January 13, 2011 02:04 AM
Ami, a stray thought has just occured to me ... I don't what kind of effect music has on you but it has an enormous effect on me. I associate memories and times of my life with certain music. Anyway there's this one song that I HATE to listen to even though I like the song, because it's my father's favorite song: It's by The Eagles - The Wheel In The Sky. What I also associate with this memory is an acquaintance I had with a woman my father's age while I was living with him during 1991 - I'll give her the name Diana. That's obviously not her real name. Anyway, she was the woman my father had left his wife for. It was one of those soap opera situations ... Theo's wife was having an affair with Diana's husband and Theo was having an affair with Diana. Anyway when I met him for the first time when I was 16 he was already going out with Diana and in the process of leaving his wife. However by the time I went to live there two years later he had (of course) akready become tired of ... Oh wait .. I mention her name in the book so I might as well use it here ... Julia. Anyway I've forgotten her surname so .... I was going to say that Theo was already tired of Julia by the time I got to stay with him in Margate. He used to gossip about her and she about him. Anyway Julia was another victim of his bizarre charm ... She had totally fallen in love with him and she used to talk to me a lot about him because my half brother and her son were best friends and we often went there to visit. This was before ... you know. After .... you know ... she was the only one who suspected something. But anyway, it was from her that I remember hearing how Theo's favorite song was Wheel in the Sky. He's a very one dimensional kind of being because he would have like one defining one-liner and one defining song and so on ... So anyway, Julia used to get very upset I think thinking about Wheel in the Sky ... I guess for her it was a defining song for their relationship. Ever since I connected this song with my father I can't bear to listen to it. Really, even though I love the music of Eagles and that particular song I Just Can't Stand It. Anyway, Theo identifies with it very much and it sort of captures something about him. I mean, basically you should consider that since I was born in 1972 my father is what one might call a hippie. But not really. I mean, he matured into the most conservative, racist bigot you can possibly imagine, but I think he's one of those people who appropriated for himself the idea and feeling of "freedom" and "I can do anything I want". Anyway so that song, for me at least, holds an aspect of my father's personality. Since I can't listen to it, you might want to give it a try as I'm sure you'll pick up something of his vibe from it. Anyways, thank you again for doing this Amy ... Oh by the way remember that I guessed the Ascendent because I don't know my father's birth time, only the date ... I juggled it on astro.com to be Aries Asc because 1) Aries is related to the first house so that's what I do for people who's birth-times I don't know or don't intuit ... 2) Asc is physically appearance and since I look like my father a lot and since my Asc is Aries I put his Asc at Aries 3) I sort of "felt" it would be right. Anyway, I'm not 100% that asteroid Lucifer actually does conjunct his Asc since the Asc I posted here is kinda pulled out of the air, but anyway even if it's not the right Asc it certainly is weird synchronocity. Anyways, point is, I'm glad you're thinking about him so I don't have to ... I mean I'm really stomping down on these d a m n memories for now ... just thought I'd leave you with that little bit of info.
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be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter! IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 13, 2011 02:42 AM
Sweetie
I am gonna study every word in your post in the morning.
I am up in the middle of the night.
I wanted to share some things.
*I* am healing.
THAT means it CAN be done.
The only problem was in finding the road.I,with God's help and the help of people God has sent to me, AM finding it.
What that means for you is that there IS a road.
The price of the ticket is pain. The pain of coming out of these distortions is great.
However,I feel you can do it cuz you have an inner strength as I do.
More importantly, you have God. He is the one I leaned on in the months I sobbed for 2 hours every night.
Tears are God's way out.Welcome the tears.
God will hold you.
He will do supernatural things to comfort you.
He will send you people to love you when you do not deserve it.
I don't know if Randall is reading this but he was one.
I did not deserve him to stand by me when I was melting down on here.
Most people would have thrown me away.
I,like you, are used to being thrown away.
Other wonderful people were sent to me like beautiful angels ,to love me.
In real life, an angel was sent to me in my guitar teacher.
He brought music back to me. He is getting me to a professional level where I can play with other people.
He loves me so much .
Why? It is God,not him and not me.
That is how *I* love you.It is not from me.
That way ,you can count on it more,not that I will not make mistakes and disappoint cuz I will just that my motives are pure ------------------
Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 13, 2011 02:45 AM
Do you want to talk about totally funky Christian or dark Christian ,as you call it.
I had known my guitar teacher for a year when he told me that he had something to tell me.
I sat down in the living room and he told me he was a medium.
I was a traditional enough Christian to freak inside, a bit.
However,my heart told me it was OK.
He is just like us.There is a picture of him in my FB.He has the orange shirt in my set of pictures with my son in it  ------------------
Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 13, 2011 08:06 AM
Dear Fatinkerbel
I have the chart placements on a piece of paper on my desk.
I feel certain the charts will yield answers.
This will be the FIRST step in walking away from your father and all he did to you.
This was the case for me,anyway.
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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 13, 2011 08:10 AM
I could hardly sleep last night cuz I am healing so fast.
I am SEEING the roots of the abuse and the way out.
We have to undo what was done to us. That is the road map.
The travel down the road is the hard part.
Under EACH distortion is the ORIGINAL pain that made it necessary for us to get the distortion,in the first place.
We must feel that pain. The right side of the brain will release it through tears or just feelings of sadness or grief.
It can feel like a horrible depression that wants to throw you to the floor in pain.
It will pass.The feelings are just releasing.
The next day,you will feel better.Each day,you will feel a little better.
It takes time so do not despair if it seems VERY slow.
It is little by little ------------------
Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me IP: Logged |
fatinkerbel
Knowflake Posts: 187
From: South Korea
Registered: Nov 2010
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posted January 13, 2011 05:34 PM
Hey Ami ... thanks for all the wonderful words ...
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be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter! IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 13, 2011 05:53 PM
I am having a really hard day.
Why?
I think I am FEELING.
I have great anger to people who hurt me.
I feel rage and don't know what to do with it.
I am afraid of it.I made a mistake ,today,which was rectified.
However, the degree to which I got upset bothers me a great deal.
I felt like I would be shunned as my mother shunned me for not being perfect.
Fear overtook me.
I could not shake it.
I felt like my insides were coming out cuz I was less than controlled.
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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 13, 2011 05:56 PM
I could not have a hair out of place without incurring total rejection.
If I made a mistake, I felt as if I was bad to the depths of my insides.
I avoid all mistakes like the plague for fear that this feeling will come over me.
Hence,I avoid many other things as well.
Can I make mistakes and not BE a mistake?It feels as if I AM a mistake when I err.
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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 13, 2011 05:57 PM
I have ridiculous standards to which I must live or I excoriate myself.
I do what my mother did,I guess.
I feel like other people will do it to me,also,if I err.
I know people must understand this cuz there is not one thing I have shared that someone did NOT understand.------------------
Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me IP: Logged |
Lindaland
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