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Author
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Topic: silence rhymes with violence
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Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 13, 2011 06:00 PM
  
I think it is the difference between BEING a mistake and making a mistake.
I feel I AM a mistake.
I feel very insecure when feelings overwhelm me.
I feel like I am bad and it is bursting out from the seams.
I feel as I am on a boat and it is rocking and I can't make it stop.
I can't find the center.
"Bad" is just spilling out all over the place,over and over and over until it washes me away in a tidal wave.------------------
Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 13, 2011 06:02 PM
I think when I stand up for myself OR make a mistake, I get that voice"WHO do you think you are " in my head.
It makes me want to pull out my hair to make it stop.
I want to get on the floor and roll in a ball.I want to run until I can't run ,any more.
I want it to go away and let me be "me".It is my tormentor, my mother's voice in my head.
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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 13, 2011 06:07 PM
I believe it.
It tells me "No one wants to bother with Yoou
You need too much.You take too much .You are too much.You are a problem.You are a burden"
All these things come pouring out when I make a mistake.
They come down on my head like water ,a wave,on and on and on,endless water.
The voice goes on and on ,tormenting me,with all my evils,all the things I do and am that make me bad.
It is my mother living in my head.
I can't evict her ,it seems, cuz she has lived there for so long.
Who *I* am and who she is have gotten so entwined that I don't know one from the other.
It is a soup that is too dense and too rich and makes you gag when you eat it------------------
Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me IP: Logged |
fatinkerbel
Knowflake Posts: 187
From: South Korea
Registered: Nov 2010
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posted January 13, 2011 06:42 PM
That's what sucks about having your parent abuse you ... I mean, you're their clone, you have their DNA. I wish I could get my father's DNA out of me! Anyways Amy ... man you are being so hard on yourself it's painful to watch. Please ease up. You are more right than you think you are. You're following true instincts from inside your heart and soul and there is a lot of resistance to such purity because it is vulnerable like Bambi. You're doing something wonderful for me, I can tell you that. I love you Ami just the way you are and I wish more people were as sensitive and careful as you are. You say that you're healing fast, I know what you mean. Ami, in my eyes you are in the right because you are unafraid ... even though you fear making a mistake you keep on doing what you're doing. You know, I have many many times in my life felt that I wouldn't share my story easily because I know people would be like a crowd walking past someone who's got stuck with a knife and is bleeding on the pavement... Rather than get involved they'd go by and say, sheesh that's awful but hell I don't know first aid so I'll keep walking I'm sure someone will help. You on the other hand Amy are trying to help me with such a great urgency ... Where I already feel, oh well, I'll just bleed to death I don't mind, you are rushing to my aid and trying to staunch the bleeding and in the provess you're worrying that you don't know what to do and that you'll make a mistake but all that counts is that you're trying to do something. It's bringing me out of MY numbness so that's quite something.
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be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter! IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 13, 2011 09:25 PM
Thank you ((((Fatinkerbel)))
That means SO much!
I feel better.
I guess we get so hard on ourselves cuz of our abuse.
Lord help us.It is so hard but we are not alone.
"He is an ever present help in times of trouble"
Love you, Fatinkerbel!!!------------------
Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 13, 2011 09:34 PM
Fatinkerbel
I don't even SEE how I am hard on myself?
I know this sounds crazy but could you explain,in words??? grrrrrrr------------------
Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me IP: Logged |
fatinkerbel
Knowflake Posts: 187
From: South Korea
Registered: Nov 2010
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posted January 13, 2011 10:01 PM
Let's see if I can explain ... OK this is gonna seem complicated but bear with me. The things is, everybody has a view on the world, an opinion I mean. And all of our opinions are just that ... opinions ... we have opinions about how to behave, about what is true, etc. I feel as if you have so much doubt in your own opinion that it's impossible for you to make up your mind about when you are right and when you are wrong. If your opinion is challenged, if your words are questioned, if your view is countered by another view what do you do? As for me, I solve this little problem by not talking to people mostly, because I have put enough effort into my own opinions and I would stand by them if need be, but as you know that takes a lot of energy and a lot of explaining. So I don't voice my thoughts or my judgements quickly or easily. Actually this is also a form of hiding, but ... It's working for me for now. How YOU deal with this is by attempting to adjust your opinion even while you are exercizing it ... so you come up with an idea, for example: 'fatinkerbell, what you should do is be honest ... that will be your path to healing', and because I trust you I try to do that. Other people however might say "yes, but ..." and THAT is when you're hard on yourself ... Trust your FIRST instinct. If someone says "yes, but ... ", don't imagine then that your words were the wrong ones. Stand behind your words like Joan of Arc! I trust your words, and those that don't, well, they're just missing out on something that's all. You can do no wrong.------------------
be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter! IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 14, 2011 02:57 AM
Fatinkerbel
 Sis------------------
Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 14, 2011 09:44 AM
Want to hear something really horrible?I know I can tell you .
After you wrote about stalking your father,I knew I could tell you anything.
How topsy turvey is that lolWell, it is about as topsy turvey as my life where I go back to abusers cuz I have no one else. I DO have other people BUT my family members ARE abusers with the exception of my son and extended family. The key members of my family,I shall say,are abusers.
Who do I call when I need help?
One of the abusers.
I could not have seen that,exactly,if you had not shared about your father.
THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU SHARE. I thought *I* had courage but it is nothing next to you ------------------
Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 14, 2011 10:10 AM
One of my abusers is dying. He was responsible for my losing my son.
Am I BAD to be happy?
In my heart,I feel I will be set free.------------------
Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me IP: Logged |
NickiG
Knowflake Posts: 5821
From: Pluto, next to Ami Ann
Registered: Jul 2010
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posted January 14, 2011 10:47 PM
you know, i also have a rape fantasy and i just realized that the higher the risk of being raped if i was doing this or apart of that the more i want to do this or be apart of that....very weird and quite sick...not that i would ever actually do this or be apart of that------------------
put your foot down once, not stomp it over and over IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Moderator Posts: 70229
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted January 16, 2011 08:27 AM
Dear Fatinkerbel
I have not heard from you for a while.ARE YOU OK?
Please, just write and tell me
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Jesus never put his trust in man cuz he knew what was in man.
You must face the dregs of Nessus to touch the love and beauty of Neptune.
Me IP: Logged |
NickiG
Knowflake Posts: 5821
From: Pluto, next to Ami Ann
Registered: Jul 2010
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posted January 16, 2011 04:59 PM
aw man..i'm watching TV right now on a local channel and the show i'm watching was filmed locally about our ferries and i couldnt help but think of The Candy Man because we had rode the ferries often.....we would go up to the closest base and board the ferry and i would be at the railing breathing in the sea breeze and watching the birds and looking out for dolphins as we were going to an island....i remembered the restaurant he took me to...the outside had a giant crab in the front and it was right on the beach...and the trip back was later in the evening and even more breath taking....such bitter sweet memories------------------
put your foot down once, not stomp it over and over IP: Logged |
Randall
Webmaster Posts: 73964
From: From a galaxy, far, far away...
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted January 16, 2011 05:13 PM
No, Ami, you won't be set free. You will never be free until you forgive. I know it must be the toughest thing anyone could ever do in your particular circumstance, but it is the only way you can truly sever it.  ------------------
"Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all." Harriet Van Horne IP: Logged |
fatinkerbel
Knowflake Posts: 187
From: South Korea
Registered: Nov 2010
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posted January 16, 2011 05:34 PM
Hey Ami thanks for worrying! I don't have internet on weekends cos I don't have a computer at home! So no worries!! Now reading posts : D
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be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter! IP: Logged |
fatinkerbel
Knowflake Posts: 187
From: South Korea
Registered: Nov 2010
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posted January 16, 2011 05:40 PM
Aw man there is so much I wanna say all my words are fighting for the front spot to come out first. So let's give some order to it all ... First Nicki I'll respond to your fantasy and the bittersweet memories and then I'll talk about family OK Ami because I SOOOOOOOO know what you mean ... Forgiveness is really very difficult for me too. I would say actually that's it's impossible. But more on that later ... Em I'm gonna do this Ami style ... one paragraph at a time! ------------------
be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter! IP: Logged |
fatinkerbel
Knowflake Posts: 187
From: South Korea
Registered: Nov 2010
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posted January 16, 2011 05:46 PM
Uhm ... first I'm gonna do something totally self-indulgent though ... So I'm a karaoke nut and I got invited to a Rolling Stones vs Beatles competition last week and got through to round two, which for me feels like world fame. I visited my mom on Saturday and made the recording with her Mac which has a built - in cam ... Maybe I should have checked my Lindaland posts too but I was only there a short while sooo ... Anyways I'm posting the entry here because a) I am shamelessly in love with my own voice even though it's not perfect ... anyway the point of karaoke is to sing a little badly so that's perfect ... b) actually the song expresses the sentiments of this thread's intention: You can bleed on me : D (Well, lean on me, but I like the metaphot bleed on me, it's so ... colorful http://www.singsnap.com/snap/watchandlisten/play/b760316de ------------------
be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter! IP: Logged |
fatinkerbel
Knowflake Posts: 187
From: South Korea
Registered: Nov 2010
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posted January 16, 2011 05:51 PM
OK anyways Nicki I also have a very intense rape fantasy ... I just cannot get aroused in any other way than by thinking of a helpless victim in the hands of a cruel and unfeeling agressor. I've read that fear and sexual arousal are quite close to each other literally in a physical sense, both being anyway related to the root chakra. Any form of fantasy in which I imagine myself willing just totally turns me off because the only way my sexual feelings can keep flowing is if I imagine myself to have no part in what is happening at all. It's as if only by imagining myself to be left with no choice and no power that I can remain turned on. As far as I can guess this is typical for many people, not only those who have been abused, because of the guilt that we are induced into feeling over sex. Anyway ... that's my opinion on that ...------------------
be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter! IP: Logged |
fatinkerbel
Knowflake Posts: 187
From: South Korea
Registered: Nov 2010
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posted January 16, 2011 05:59 PM
Now Ami ... Well you know my family is worse than the mafia because they are basically all Christian racists. I'm from South Africa remember? Well my family ALL support apartheid and miss the Old South Africa intensely. Some parts of the family are almost Ku Klux Klan if you know what I mean. They hate, in no particular order, blacks, Jews, Catholics, communists and Satanists. In fact they were convinced at one point that I was a Satanist and there was a lot of praying for my soul I can tell you that. Why did they think I was a Satanist. Because I was in love with the movie Interview with the Vampire and I had pictures of Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt as Vampires all over my wall. My grandparents came to visit unexpectedly one day and my grandfather perused every picture intensely and then starting shouting at me that there was nothing beautiful or good here, only dark, evil horros, and I should start praying for God to save me from this dark path. Oh they also think astrology is demonic of course, not to mention Tarot cards. My one aunt's husband has forbidden all books with fairies in ... I could go on ... But I won't. You get the picture. In short, my family are a bunch of Nazi's. Honestly. So the bad thing is that for years and years I was dependent on them in so many ways .... I mean it's only recently that I've come to see the part they played in setting the stage for my abuse. ------------------
be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter! IP: Logged |
fatinkerbel
Knowflake Posts: 187
From: South Korea
Registered: Nov 2010
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posted January 16, 2011 06:02 PM
My mother told me recently that when she and Theo had sex, it was only the one time by the way, (talk about either being a big accident or totally destined to be born!) he did really force himself on her a little. She gave in because she was angry at her parents. Then when she was pregnant with me she couldn't tell them for the longest time and when she told them it was like the worst thing ever. Unmarried and pregnant. My father offered to marry her but thank God she said no. However my grandparents, her parents, tried their best into bullying her into letting me be adopted. Well she fought back and her entire life has been a fight against them ever since. Think Gilmore Girls meets Carrie.------------------
be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter! IP: Logged |
fatinkerbel
Knowflake Posts: 187
From: South Korea
Registered: Nov 2010
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posted January 16, 2011 06:09 PM
Unfortunately by the time the truth about me and Theo came out Theo had decided to become a born again Christian and of course he was in a wheelchair by then and so he got enormous sympathy. He said he was so sorry etc. etc. and basically my family (except my mother) wanted me to reconcile with him.
My therapist said that is a secondary trauma. When you tell the people who were supposed to care for you about what happened and their reaction is inappropriate, such as dibelieving or taking the side of the abuser or blaming you for what happened, that leads to the secondary trauma, which really leaves you feeling like scum, because you tend to agree with the views of the people who "raised" you ... When I was a child I loved my grandparents and my family and now I would happily murder each and every one of them. Honestly. When I first heard about my father being shot and realized he'd be paralyzed my heart went out to him. But it didn't take long for me to realize that nothing had changed. In fact somehow he became even more sinister. Similarly my grandparents are now going through tough times in terms of their health and finances and part of me sympathizes but another part of me knows that they are sowing what they reaped...------------------
be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter! IP: Logged |
fatinkerbel
Knowflake Posts: 187
From: South Korea
Registered: Nov 2010
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posted January 16, 2011 06:12 PM
Anyway, some last comments about forgiveness. I think I shall only ever be able to forgive if I become enlightened because I think forgiveness is divine... the catch 22 is that I should probably forgive before I can become enlightened. Mmm ... I'm damned either way ... know what I mean? So here's my secret ... the misery of my enemies makes me happy. But an even deeper secret, the misery of my enemies makes me miserable because I am chained to them by a lifetime of memories.------------------
be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter! IP: Logged |
fatinkerbel
Knowflake Posts: 187
From: South Korea
Registered: Nov 2010
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posted January 17, 2011 01:03 AM
This is what my family makes me feel inside and these are the sentiments I could echo exactly ... warning, disturbing images http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_TuctvWUXk&feature=related ------------------
be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter! IP: Logged |
Randall
Webmaster Posts: 73964
From: From a galaxy, far, far away...
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted January 17, 2011 01:47 AM
I can't even fathom Ami's loss. It is a pain beyond my imagination. And having never experienced such loss, I really should not be giving any advice. But unforgiveness does tie you to that person. ------------------
"Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all." Harriet Van Horne IP: Logged |
fatinkerbel
Knowflake Posts: 187
From: South Korea
Registered: Nov 2010
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posted January 17, 2011 02:21 AM
Man Randall I REALLY know what you mean .... I was telling myself when I was thinking about putting this thread out there that someone somewhere is going to mention it ... The forgiveness thing. Well, when I was still a drug addict I tried all sorts of weird stuff ... Like amanita muscaria, which is technically a poisonous mushroom with trippy qualities used by shamans, so they say ... It's the fairy tale mushroom that's red with white spots .... Anyways, when I was tripping on that stuff I looked into the mirror and I saw my father standing there and I knew the message from that trip was that someday I will have to forgive him. But it's impossible, literally for me as I feel now to do that ... It's hard to describe, but it's like, if I make myself even a little soft everything will come tumbling down on me. So I have to make myself like a fist ... I can never relax. Well I'm speaking for myself of course ... maybe Amy will find it easier to forgive than me...------------------
be who you are and say what you feel cos those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter! IP: Logged |
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