posted February 26, 2011 09:31 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Mblake81:
Thats a good one.

Hey this clip has no relevance to the thread, But I wanted to share a favorite clip of mine, Donnie yen movies are usually good quality.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=buITXcldEcY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jM_FXMGo9EU

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posted February 26, 2011 09:39 PM            

Apologies
This is a post about mental health.

I want to first take the opportunity to apologize to anyone worried about me. The possibility hadn't even come to my mind until a close friend phoned last night to check up on me. I lied at first, because I wasn't sure what he was calling about, but his "Are you sure you're okay?" response told me otherwise. Guys, when I get like this, I don't care about other people. Every one of my friends could call me and say that they didn't want to associate with me anymore, that they hated me, and it wouldn't even ping on my radar. It's still not quite pinging, because the psychological whiplash doesn't go away overnight, but at least I'm reacting to it now. It's going to be at least another week before my emotions stop flat-lining.

On Saturday, I had the worst psychiatric breakdown I've had since... well, the last one that compares was about a year ago, and you could say that one was just as bad, albeit for different reasons. What happens during a breakdown features mostly my bipolar symptoms with a helping of psychosis -- of course, it's a breakdown, so everything is taken to the extreme. I can't control my reactions to odd things, or what I say. (Normally, minor bipolar attacks make me say things I wouldn't say without extreme provocation, but it is me saying them; major attacks, it's a whole 'nother kettle of fish. I don't expect everyone to forgive me for the things I say during major attacks, but it's easier to deal with me if you know that.) I get very angry and very emotional, but remember, this is bipolar disorder, so there are uncomfortable manic leaps in which everything is hilarious and beautiful for ten minutes, after which it plunges back down. The psychosis doesn't bother me that much after so many years of dealing with it, but it's just an extra annoyance on top of the manic see-saw. It makes me angrier when I can't tell what's real and what isn't.

This is why I get so angry at people who try to "top" anyone who has real mental health problems. I don't know who the hell these kids (and even adults, who should know better) think they're kidding when they imply that mental disorders are easy and fun, but I can tell you, they're not fooling me.

The treatment of teenagers in our society has deteriorated so badly that often the only way many young people can get help for any degree of problem is to attempt suicide, fake or create a mental disorder, or attack someone. I pity them, a little, because I was there -- I know what it's like to be struggling, to be useless, to need help and be turned aside. It's the worst feeling in the world. And even knowing all that, I still get angry when some swaggering kid comes up to me after hearing that I have psychosis and starts bragging about their hallucinations. Who knows if most of these teenagers who try to "top" us really have mental health issues -- I can't tell. Maybe they do, and to the ones who aren't fabricating their symptoms, I wish them the best. But the one thing I know is that the real sufferers aren't proud of their inadequacies. They aren't proud of how many medications they're on, or the side effects of the same. They aren't proud that some days, they have to hide in their rooms in the dark with a stuffed animal and burst into tears if someone talks to them. They aren't proud. That's the thing about folks like me. Most of us know we're damaged goods. Most of us are far too aware that we're broken people. We've been chewed up and spat out by the system, and the ones who survived are full of impotent rage.

It's been a bad couple of days, in short. I've spent most of my energy trying not to freak out, trying not to snap at the people I live with, trying not to leave the house. I dragged blankets and comfort food into my room every morning, took comfort from the dark weather (sun makes things worse, for several reasons) and tried to wait myself out. Today I'm feeling almost back to normal. Three days don't sound like a lot, but that's the thing bipolar does. It comes, it smacks you down, and leaves just as quickly -- even if the symptoms last for a lot longer than the attack. Like I said earlier, I'll still be walking on eggshells for a while. This is a warning as much as an apology, partially because I know I'll seem like a bad person while I ride the last of it out, and partially because I should have seen it coming and prepared for it, which meant people like Sister got the cold shoulder before the attack even happened, for absolutely no reason at all.

Few things are of any comfort. The most awful thing is needing physical affection and being unable to touch anyone -- if someone had touched me, I probably would have lunged for the nearest sharp object. The last time I had an attack and was out of the house, a couple of friends knew how to handle the situation and one of them quickly removed me from the rest of them, but the others kept too close and put their hands on me. I can't blame them, because I don't expect them to be mind readers, and it's really difficult for me to admit that I'm having an attack in the first place -- it embarrasses me, plain and simple -- but it still sucks.

It's in that spirit of embarrassment that I make this post -- to reiterate that I can't handle the medications that normally treat these disorders, and only take them during major attacks. (And I've had so many terrible experiences with psychiatrists over the last ten years that the only route for me, barring miracles, is self-improvement... which is a long and winding road.) It's also to apologize -- to anyone whom I made worry, to anyone I was cruel to, to anyone who has to deal with me. If you ask to hang out with me and I say no, please, please remember that it's not about you. It's about my inability to handle social situations of any sort before, during, and after this happens. And especially remember that my anger isn't directed at you if it emerges -- it's directed towards myself. One of the most frustrating parts about my attacks is that for days afterward, I can't concentrate on things like schoolwork or books, so the anger doesn't get better for a while. Single-minded competency is one thing -- I'm not a multi-tasker by any stretch of the imagination. Single-minded incompetency is my default setting during an attack and makes me angry beyond belief.

posted February 26, 2011 10:00 PM            

Sometimes those with whom we interact can be narrow minded and cutting. And for every person who says something deliberately hurtful to a person with mental illness, there are a dozen who say things thoughtlessly or out of ignorance. Unfortunately, regardless of intent, words wound, fester and scar.

The following is a short list of things people say that are often intended to be helpful, but are actually tactless. Perhaps these will better equip you to respond to the thoughtless comments and to illustrate the need for each of us to better think through our word choices.

What was said: It's all in your head. You are a hypochondriac.
What may have been perceived: You are either completely deluded or making an excuse for poor behavior in order to get my sympathy. I don't believe in that psychiatric mumbo jumbo. I don’t believe that you actually have a real illness.
The Fallacy: Mental health problems are the result of a character flaw or weak personality. Mental illnesses are not real diseases.
The Facts: Bipolar Disorder is a medical illness with a physical cause probably rooted in structural or biochemical abnormalities in the brain. In short, it is very real, just like diabetes or heart disease.

What was said: We all go through times like this.
What was perceived: You are overreacting. Stop making mountains out of molehills. You can't handle life as well as I can.
The Fallacy: Everyone has the symptoms of Bipolar Disorder.
The Facts: An article by David A. Kahn, M.D., and colleagues entitled Treatment of Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for Patients and Families offers an excellent perspective for addressing this fallacy. "We all experience a variety of moods -- happiness, sadness, anger, to name a few. Unpleasant moods and changes in mood are normal reactions to everyday life, and we can often identify events that caused our mood to change. However, when we experience mood changes or extremes that are out of proportion to events or come 'out of the blue' and make it hard to function, these changes may be due to a mood disorder."

What was said: Just shake it off.
What was perceived: You've created this problem for yourself, so just get over it and move on. I am out of patience with you. Don't bother me with this again.
The Fallacy: Everyone can and should control their emotions.
The Facts: Bipolar disorder is a medical condition. Those with this disorder can no more snap out of it or shake it off then those with a broken leg.

posted February 28, 2011 12:45 PM            

Explicit language.

Favorite scene starts @ 1:16

"Wipe that stupid looking grin off your face!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EgFgEqm3o60

So much black and white in that clip, yin and yang.

Godsmack, I am.

I am your spoken truth
I am the lies in you
I'm gonna make you shine in everything you do
I am your lighted way
And I'm your darkest day
I'm here to help you see you can rely on me

posted February 28, 2011 10:29 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by mochai:
It's really refreshing to see a post get this deep on lindaland without descending into some sort of fluffy aversion tactic or trying to say mental illness isn't real in a way that blames it back on the individual. Sorry to put it that way but that's how this forum feels sometimes. Sometimes we need to feel what we need to feel without a distraction.

I was looking at that about article, and the replies are just so sad to read. Having had experiences with a seriously bipolar soulmate, the illness does scare me more than it does most (most don't understand it), but I still feel horrible for the people that endure it.

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posted March 01, 2011 08:53 AM            

In a past life, probably the previous one, your birth energies and circumstances allowed you to be in a position of power, but you misued it in the sense that you made others suffer by interfering in their life that so they were unable to make decisions for themselves. You created a Karmic Debt for yourself for which you have a chance to compensate it in this life.
The energy of this debt manifests in basically two alternative ways.
The one is that you are completely absorbed in your own life: your desires, your plans, your envisaged achievements, your talents and gifts.
Although you are not setting out to do harm, you act as if the world would only exist to satisfy your self and were there for the taking. Expectedly, you intervene, step in, intercede, intrude, most of the time without even realizing it.
The reaction of your environment is in accordance with the degree of your disturbance and the exposure of your self-centered nature. While this baffles and perplexes you, it also frustrates you as it 'interferes' with your agility and thwarts (in your eyes) your ambitions.

From previous incarnations you have carried over into this life some unfinished business. Negative karma.
It means that this time you have to experience the effects of the pain you inflicted upon others in your former embodiments.

It may come to this that others realize you being so concerned with the details that they take advantage of you and try to take away the organizationally leading position that you have

When you realize this, you may become frustrated, seeing yourself sandwiched between too much necessary attention

The godsmack song that I linked earlier, would apply here.

posted March 01, 2011 10:32 AM            

My first lucid dream I went to go see him and while I wasn't expecting anything related to me, he said he was working on it. He was handling baggage at an airplane terminal for check in. Not surprising. All of my dreams show him getting stronger. I've only gotten through psychics that it was a test or I was supposed to leave him, it's usually very vague. They say I'm supposed to be with someone else, and his soul has issues with control which is maybe why we've worked together. He knows I would do anything for him. When I met him it scared me to death to meet someone that I would ruin my life for and not even care. I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship that he knew about, and that made it all the more scarier. I'm fairly certain he's got a strong scorpio/aries combo, so he started testing me and I started trying to protect myself by pushing him away so I could be 'safe'. I think he's trying to protect me on one level.

Anyway, rambling. I've been told there is someone else I'm supposed to be with, and I wish I cared more about that. The funny thing is the soulmate above is the antithesis of my type short of the mood swings and his extreme attention to detail in touch and interaction. It's like the world stops and every milisecond builds upon the last.

Oh yeah, and I was an atheist the whole time, so imagine how crazy I thought I was during all this. Was totally inexplicable. I'd have downed a bunch of pills and commited myself, that's how much it scared me.

I also wanted to say, I don't have a problem with humor to heal etc, it's just certain times it's used excessively. Like, you wouldn't start blasting out jokes on a friend who's dog just died. I feel like it sometimes communicates that it's not okay to express or convey those feelings when done at/in a certain time/way. I totally believe too in the power of humor to heal.

posted March 01, 2011 11:50 AM            

Yes I know I am seen as insensitive, But if that is a persons true judge of me, I would kindly ask them to reconsider.

I laugh and make fun because I have to. It is a way to cope with very harsh realities. Unless a person has experienced them as well, They do not deserve to judge, even though they will. I, myself included.

That is not directed at anyone.

Here, I have this in spades.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gallows_humor

The ego refuses to be distressed by the provocations of reality, to let itself be compelled to suffer. It insists that it cannot be affected by the traumas of the external world; it shows, in fact, that such traumas are no more than occasions for it to gain pleasure".

Yes, But it is not pleasure. Just base coping, Survival.

Personal Experience rules this area.

I have a hard time dealing with it, So I laugh, but that does not mean that it leaves my thoughts or knowledge.

You look it in the face, and smile right back.

Sometimes you have to be more aggressive than the illness that is trying to claim you.

Nature only lets the strong, live.

That is why so many hospitals exist, People trying to cheat nature, to live longer lives.

*I go to the doctor too, But I am not ignorant of why I am there.

To Live Longer.

I just hope they have something to live for, That can make a difference.

You have to have a hope, or something to get out of bed everyday for.

I will only listen to those that have been there before, after, or are currently going through it.

Anything else is just repeated from a text book, from long dead psychologists.

Please Update this area.

It is not the late 19th or early 20th centuries anymore.

Update your methods.

-------------

Side note.

I watched my mother take many pills over the years to keep her body working. She has many health problems.

Now, she has come to learn that most of the pills did not help the problem she had.

They gave her new problems, which doctors were quick to give new types of --PILLS-- to help fix the problems the original pills gave.

Look, this is not penicillin.

Have you seen the horrible side effects most TV commercials list?

People will readily maim themselves to stay alive one day longer.

God, please never put me in this position as there is no one to really trust.

Money is involved, so people only want what you can give them.

Time is Money.

I have a deep seated repulsion to this particular existence.

I find being human, limiting and fragile.

This is no state of joy or happiness.

I have a repulsion towards humanity in general.

It does not mean I am crazy, Or that I am going to do something crazy.

It simply mean this.

I am repulsed by it.

posted March 01, 2011 03:30 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Mblake81:
No that was my numerology reading, Apologies as I should have stated that.

Yes I know I am seen as insensitive, But if that is a persons true judge of me, I would kindly ask them to reconsider.

I laugh and make fun because I have to. It is a way to cope with very harsh realities. Unless a person has experienced them as well, They do not deserve to judge, even though they will. I, myself included.

That is not directed at anyone.

Here, I have this in spades.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gallows_humor

The ego refuses to be distressed by the provocations of reality, to let itself be compelled to suffer. It insists that it cannot be affected by the traumas of the external world; it shows, in fact, that such traumas are no more than occasions for it to gain pleasure".

Yes, But it is not pleasure. Just base coping, Survival.

Personal Experience rules this area.

I have a hard time dealing with it, So I laugh, but that does not mean that it leaves my thoughts or knowledge.

You look it in the face, and smile right back.

Sometimes you have to be more aggressive than the illness that is trying to claim you.

Nature only lets the strong, live.

That is why so many hospitals exist, People trying to cheat nature, to live longer lives.

*I go to the doctor too, But I am not ignorant of why I am there.

To Live Longer.

I just hope they have something to live for, That can make a difference.

You have to have a hope, or something to get out of bed everyday for.

I will only listen to those that have been there before, after, or are currently going through it.

Anything else is just repeated from a text book, from long dead psychologists.

Please Update this area.

It is not the late 19th or early 20th centuries anymore.

Update your methods.

-------------

Side note.

I watched my mother take many pills over the years to keep her body working. She has many health problems.

Now, she has come to learn that most of the pills did not help the problem she had.

They gave her new problems, which doctors were quick to give new types of --PILLS-- to help fix the problems the original pills gave.

Look, this is not penicillin.

Have you seen the horrible side effects most TV commercials list?

People will readily maim themselves to stay alive one day longer.

God, please never put me in this position as there is no one to really trust.

Money is involved, so people only want what you can give them.

Time is Money.

I have a deep seated repulsion to this particular existence.

I find being human, limiting and fragile.

This is no state of joy or happiness.

I have a repulsion towards humanity in general.

It does not mean I am crazy, Or that I am going to do something crazy.

It simply mean this.

I am repulsed by it.

That is all.

---

I used to feel this way - disgusted by humanity. But, now I believe in the reality of "grace" for all people, and "forgiveness" for all who ask for it.

I need human interaction to be healthy, to grow, to love, to live and survive.

posted March 01, 2011 04:04 PM            

I used to keep it all inside, and only talk about things once I was well over them. I made sure to talk about it, and get it out, when I've been feeling it over the past months, because the feelings were so strong, and I literally felt as though I was coming apart. Some days or weeks would be fine - I'd feel happy, with normal concerns hanging around, without my circling the drain.

posted March 01, 2011 04:38 PM            

I honestly don't even like the medications shoved down the throat of bipolars, and their diagnosis scares me like no other, however I'm not convinced that isn't some expression of kundalini as I've found too many strong correlations there. I've now met 9 bipolars since august of '09 having never been told someone was bipolar before than. My hopefully ex-boyfriend has it although I've felt his kundalini to be very strong, the soulmate I mentioned is very psychic and extremely charismatic, then my best friend for many years had very strong kriyas (a kundalini symptom) along with genius abilities and is bipolar II.

Strangely last night I woke up from three dreams on the verge of crying. One was about my dad, and the other was about Anchorage and the military (I was never there then).

posted March 01, 2011 04:42 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by PlutoSquared:
I used to feel this way - disgusted by humanity. But, now I believe in the reality of "grace" for all people, and "forgiveness" for all who ask for it.

I need human interaction to be healthy, to grow, to love, to live and survive.

As long as I set good boundaries, I avoid the pitfalls that really set me back.

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posted March 01, 2011 04:50 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by PlutoSquared:
I used to feel this way - disgusted by humanity. But, now I believe in the reality of "grace" for all people, and "forgiveness" for all who ask for it.

I need human interaction to be healthy, to grow, to love, to live and survive.

As long as I set good boundaries, I avoid the pitfalls that really set me back.

---

posted March 01, 2011 06:06 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by mochai:

One time I begged for angels to help me feel less suicidal to get through the day and I ended up taking a bath and was just overcome with sorrow. I cried for an hour and a half and just couldn't stop, which was refreshing because I've never been able to cry like that. I spent most of the day on the verge of tears. I felt a lot better afterwards. I wish I could cry like that again, but I always stop.

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I go to water too

posted March 02, 2011 10:07 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Mblake81:
I go to water too

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posted March 02, 2011 01:29 PM            

Thanks, I'm going to create some sort of fake facebook in the next few weeks just so I can keep in better contact with some of the people that I meet.

posted March 05, 2011 08:36 AM            

My name means

"He who is like god, who is the black(dark) son of mayor"

What does your full name mean Plutosquared?

I am interested to see if we have something in common.

posted March 05, 2011 11:14 AM            

The other two fit the aries nature, Imho

posted March 05, 2011 11:20 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Mblake81:
We may be from the same high tower, from some other time.

The other two fit the aries nature, Imho

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