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Author
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Topic: Anger
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Padre35
Knowflake Posts: 514
From: charlotte, NC, US
Registered: Jul 2012
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posted August 16, 2012 12:56 PM
  
Hope all is going well Hera, have not heard anything in a couple of days.IP: Logged |
Hera
Moderator Posts: 4393
From: the OR
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 16, 2012 01:10 PM
It's not.. It is worse. I had a panic attack today. I might need to get back on the meds for a while.  Thank you for asking! In times like these it moves me very much. IP: Logged |
Padre35
Knowflake Posts: 514
From: charlotte, NC, US
Registered: Jul 2012
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posted August 17, 2012 03:27 AM
Sorry to hear that your tough times are continuing Hera, just know you are very much cared about by those one may not have met in person as of yet.((hug)) for you IP: Logged |
Hera
Moderator Posts: 4393
From: the OR
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 17, 2012 08:41 AM
Thanks.. I managed to schedule therapy in today, much needed. "As of yet"?  lol IP: Logged |
Padre35
Knowflake Posts: 514
From: charlotte, NC, US
Registered: Jul 2012
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posted August 17, 2012 01:46 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Hera:
Thanks.. I managed to schedule therapy in today, much needed. "As of yet"? lol
Good! And it's a funny old world Hera, ya neverknow. IP: Logged |
Hera
Moderator Posts: 4393
From: the OR
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 18, 2012 12:12 AM
Thanks, Jan! And indeed, it's a small world afterall.  I hate the idea of going back to meds coz it seems like whenever I hit a rough patch I go back to them. But they do make me feel better. Took them yesterday after therapy. I slept like a baby all night. Insomnia was getting to me, I was so tired all the time. And whoa Coaxil is amazing. Can you imagine a drug that has as side-effects "euphoria"? lol I remember from when I was taking it, I was laughing and feeling good all the time lol. But I do hate the fact that I'm not yet strong enough to have all this come from the inside. I hate it that I am still so self-destructive. I guess old habits die hard.. IP: Logged |
Padre35
Knowflake Posts: 514
From: charlotte, NC, US
Registered: Jul 2012
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posted August 18, 2012 03:21 AM
quote:
Originally posted by Hera:
Thanks, Jan! And indeed, it's a small world afterall. I hate the idea of going back to meds coz it seems like whenever I hit a rough patch I go back to them. But they do make me feel better. Took them yesterday after therapy. I slept like a baby all night. Insomnia was getting to me, I was so tired all the time. And whoa Coaxil is amazing. Can you imagine a drug that has as side-effects "euphoria"? lol I remember from when I was taking it, I was laughing and feeling good all the time lol. But I do hate the fact that I'm not yet strong enough to have all this come from the inside. I hate it that I am still so self-destructive. I guess old habits die hard..
Indeed old habits do die hard, however a sign of maturity is putting those habits away..the really scary thing is..will people still like you? IP: Logged |
Hera
Moderator Posts: 4393
From: the OR
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 18, 2012 03:49 AM
quote:
Originally posted by Padre35:
Indeed old habits do die hard, however a sign of maturity is putting those habits away..the really scary thing is..will people still like you?
What people? lol I am a hermit. Now I can't even count on my family. I don't have friends, I have acquaintances and it's fine. They were all friends as long as it suited them, once I start having troubles they find other interests. I don't need people like that. The only person I need to like me is myself. THAT is the true challenge. IP: Logged |
Hera
Moderator Posts: 4393
From: the OR
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 18, 2012 03:51 AM
I got back to taking meds again. I need to face up to the truth, at this time I am just weakened by everything to fight alone. At least I will be able to sleep at night and manage the anxiety. Anxiety is probably the worst thing for me. Makes me a loose cannon. IP: Logged |
Padre35
Knowflake Posts: 514
From: charlotte, NC, US
Registered: Jul 2012
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posted August 18, 2012 04:02 AM
quote:
Originally posted by Hera:
What people? lol I am a hermit. Now I can't even count on my family. I don't have friends, I have acquaintances and it's fine. They were all friends as long as it suited them, once I start having troubles they find other interests. I don't need people like that. The only person I need to like me is myself. THAT is the true challenge.
Eremitike? In Greek that means hermit or monk I've been there Hera..thought I was happy with it..I was quite wrong. The scary part of all of this is showing your "real" (or perhaps new) self to other people. IP: Logged |
Hera
Moderator Posts: 4393
From: the OR
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 23, 2012 06:15 PM
That I don't really have a problem with.. it's the old ones that still get to me sometimes..Seems like there is some progress. It was another hiccup, nothing major. Guess anger exhausted me. I am starting to get back on my psychological feet, trying to make changes in my life. I think I've lost some weight and I think I might be warming up to the idea of dating again, though not in the near future. I am trying to seize opportunities, am thinking of submitting for a PhD.. I want to stop wasting time, especially on people who are draining me of my energy.. which might be selfish because they might need me.. but it's self defense at the moment.
Funny thing.. the 2 big loves of my life returned. Bull contacted me on his own, I contacted the Sag yesterday. I am skimming through 50 shades of Grey and suddenly was reminded of him. Me and Sag have a rather complicated psychologically abusive relationship. I suspect he was physically if not sexually abused as a child, as well. I think we mirrored the abuse in one another. It was probably one of his purposes in my life.. he brought awareness in this matter like nobody before.. made me confront my own darkness and my own limitations until I stood up and said enough. I think it's important to know one's limits.. I feel in a way compelled to explore this further, maybe thinking I am safe now since I know what to expect and definitely more assertive as to stand up for myself. Sag was def a Dominant but I don't think I was or am the submissive type, not really. It is something I need to clear for myself. There is some sort of conflict there regarding that.. between being a good little girl and defending myself from potential incest. I took the second path, more than once.. but for some reason this still puzzles me. I rarely dream/remember my dreams.. but started dreaming about this just like I dreamed of the abuse. So there's smth there though don't know what yet. That's not to say I am going to jump back into an abusive relationship with my ex. I am not that crazy, I think. Though maybe a tad naive.. a part of me still wants to fix him.. I don't think he is a psychopath. I have trouble believing anyone with a Moon-Neptune aspect can be a psychopath.. coz I know how empathic they can be so I just don't think he is one. A liar, yes. Control freak and domineering, of course. But I don't think he is.. evil. And above everything else I can sense his pain like it was my own. That is I think the dangerous path with him.. I do not worry about the rest, I am perfectly capable of defending myself and I know I don't take offenses lightly, I fight back. But the empathy is really my downfall with him. Damn both our neptunian sides. In a weird way, I missed him. Despite a lot of things, Sag is quite a character. A very intriguing powerful guy. Though I don't think his Scorpio Asc still has the same hold on me as it did. Oh, he really pushed me on the verge of oblivion. Which is why I don't fully understand why I contacted him again after 6 months. What is it that I feel is left unfinished between us?? I have a feeling I will not be getting my closure this time either. He hasn't evolved much, he is still very much ego driven and blinded by his anger. I think I am past that, mostly. Really hope he will not damp me again. Well it's really up to me.
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Padre35
Knowflake Posts: 514
From: charlotte, NC, US
Registered: Jul 2012
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posted August 23, 2012 08:18 PM
IDK Hera, to me, if a opportunity for a clean slate presents itself, then one go back to a past path?I am glad to hear you are getting your bearings back, it can take some time to discover what was lost and should be refound, and what should be jettisoned, but that is half of the battle. Most things are neither all bad, or all good, and imo, that makes the past very seductive. IP: Logged |
Hera
Moderator Posts: 4393
From: the OR
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 23, 2012 10:41 PM
I am not going back on that past path, I do not want a relationship with him, not in the romantic sense. He is bad for me from many points of view. He indirectly shown light on these issues, this is why I thought he might enlighten me further. But I have no interest in getting back to what it was, that was not a healthy relationship. IP: Logged |
Hera
Moderator Posts: 4393
From: the OR
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 24, 2012 03:37 PM
And so, I had my revelation.  Sag was just a tool. He is as smitten as before but he's a coward. He was so convinced I am still in love with him lol. Ohhh.. like I could find it in me to be in love with anyone lmao, at this time in my life. Too funny. So I had an audit today, it ended at almost 9 pm, came home soo friggin exhausted. And was driving home.. and I thought.. I wanna celebrate, get wasted, I wanna go out dancing, I wanna flirt, be wild lol, I wanna be an Aries. Not think, just do. I DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING LEFT TO LOSE Whoa, liberating. And suddenly felt so bold and daring, I felt like I could move mountains if I wanted to. I felt like if I wanted to go out and sleep with the Sag, I could friggin do it because I wanted to, simple as that. I don't wanna sleep with him, that is not my point lol. So funny thing when I asked him to go out celebrating with me.. he made up some plans with friends, bogus.. Sag is a liar, this I know for a fact. You'd think it would bother me. I am finding it oddly not a deal breaker, and it's not because I am an abuse magnet lol, I just don't friggin care anymore! And sure as hell am not in love with him  Yeah I am attracted to him, he has a way of luring me in, but that's just because he's so sexual and I have been anything BUT lol. He used to fascinate me how free he was in his sexual expression. Now I find him redundant and boring and limited! Hahaha. I think my wild side could easily top his game if I were ever to become my wild side.. The revelation was that I can and now I know how to do the switch! And it's not about looks, it's about attitude. And I am growing into it somehow. Not only it is not taboo anymore, but it feels so friggin good! To be unrestrained and free. And Sag has gotten dull! Lol we totally switched roles here. He was always preaching about catching the moment, being impulsive and wild. Now that I offered that, he backed out lol. The revelation, I guess, was that confronting your most uncomfortable emotions is one of the most liberating experiences one can have. Do the thing you dread the most. Fear, like pain, is only in the mind. Once you look it in the eye, there is nothing you can't do because it no longer has a hold on you. It's a truism but it finally clicked in my head, it was a very whoa moment So I guess Sag did have one more thing to teach me. I just find it so funny how clueless he is about it even though he was the vessel of my revelation. IP: Logged |
Padre35
Knowflake Posts: 514
From: charlotte, NC, US
Registered: Jul 2012
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posted August 24, 2012 04:27 PM
Hera had a self happiness epiphany!IP: Logged |
Hera
Moderator Posts: 4393
From: the OR
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 24, 2012 04:43 PM
Yes! I'm going to be alright, afterall!  IP: Logged |
Padre35
Knowflake Posts: 514
From: charlotte, NC, US
Registered: Jul 2012
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posted August 24, 2012 04:52 PM
It's a trite saying, ultimately true:"Life does go on" IP: Logged |
Hera
Moderator Posts: 4393
From: the OR
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 24, 2012 05:01 PM
Ugh.. took me 6 years of stagnation though! I lost a lot in these 6 years. I could even say I lost everything, but I would rather think I changed smth for another. I really hope I won't relapse again now. This place feels so good! So empowering.. IP: Logged |
Padre35
Knowflake Posts: 514
From: charlotte, NC, US
Registered: Jul 2012
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posted August 24, 2012 05:12 PM
You'll find your own equilibrium Hera, balance when called for and all of that, just be willing to try is all.IP: Logged |
sand
Knowflake Posts: 6883
From:
Registered: May 2011
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posted August 24, 2012 08:49 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Hera:
And so, I had my revelation. Sag was just a tool. He is as smitten as before but he's a coward. He was so convinced I am still in love with him lol. Ohhh.. like I could find it in me to be in love with anyone lmao, at this time in my life. Too funny. So I had an audit today, it ended at almost 9 pm, came home soo friggin exhausted. And was driving home.. and I thought.. I wanna celebrate, get wasted, I wanna go out dancing, I wanna flirt, be wild lol, I wanna be an Aries. Not think, just do. [b]I DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING LEFT TO LOSE Whoa, liberating. And suddenly felt so bold and daring, I felt like I could move mountains if I wanted to. I felt like if I wanted to go out and sleep with the Sag, I could friggin do it because I wanted to, simple as that. I don't wanna sleep with him, that is not my point lol. So funny thing when I asked him to go out celebrating with me.. he made up some plans with friends, bogus.. Sag is a liar, this I know for a fact. You'd think it would bother me. I am finding it oddly not a deal breaker, and it's not because I am an abuse magnet lol, I just don't friggin care anymore! And sure as hell am not in love with him Yeah I am attracted to him, he has a way of luring me in, but that's just because he's so sexual and I have been anything BUT lol. He used to fascinate me how free he was in his sexual expression. Now I find him redundant and boring and limited! Hahaha. I think my wild side could easily top his game if I were ever to become my wild side.. The revelation was that I can and now I know how to do the switch! And it's not about looks, it's about attitude. And I am growing into it somehow. Not only it is not taboo anymore, but it feels so friggin good! To be unrestrained and free. And Sag has gotten dull! Lol we totally switched roles here. He was always preaching about catching the moment, being impulsive and wild. Now that I offered that, he backed out lol. The revelation, I guess, was that confronting your most uncomfortable emotions is one of the most liberating experiences one can have. Do the thing you dread the most. Fear, like pain, is only in the mind. Once you look it in the eye, there is nothing you can't do because it no longer has a hold on you. It's a truism but it finally clicked in my head, it was a very whoa moment So I guess Sag did have one more thing to teach me. I just find it so funny how clueless he is about it even though he was the vessel of my revelation. [/B]
IP: Logged |
sand
Knowflake Posts: 6883
From:
Registered: May 2011
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posted August 24, 2012 08:52 PM
dpIP: Logged |
Hera
Moderator Posts: 4393
From: the OR
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 25, 2012 12:29 AM
quote:
Originally posted by Padre35:
You'll find your own equilibrium Hera, balance when called for and all of that, just be willing to try is all.
Willingness to try is indeed the moment when the switch happens. It wasn't that I wasn't willing before, but had mental barriers. I always thought there will be things I will never do, couldn't do, felt inappropriate doing them and excessively self-conscious. Now, like magic, they're all gone. Well not all. But the most restrictive ones. Idk exactly what happened in my brain. Last week I was crashing, I wanted to drive home 2 hours and ask my mom to hug me for 2 minutes, then drive back to my place. Felt terribly alone and hopeless, powerless to change anything. I wasn't willing to try because I didn't think I have the option anymore. And now it feels like there's nothing I couldn't do if I wanted to. I finally understand what it's like for those carefree people that go all out. Well it's still just in my head at the moment, I haven't actually experienced going all out. But it is not forbidden to me anymore because the limitations in my head are gone. IP: Logged |
Hera
Moderator Posts: 4393
From: the OR
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 25, 2012 12:33 AM
quote:
Originally posted by sand:
dp
Lol why so silent Sandie? IP: Logged |
sand
Knowflake Posts: 6883
From:
Registered: May 2011
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posted August 25, 2012 02:44 AM
Oh u know just letting u know I am reading seeing what up..IP: Logged |
Hera
Moderator Posts: 4393
From: the OR
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted August 25, 2012 11:31 AM
quote:
Originally posted by sand:
Oh u know just letting u know I am reading seeing what up..
Hehe U're my dream sweetheart u know that IP: Logged | |
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