posted August 25, 2012 12:33 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Hera:
Hehe U're my dream sweetheart u know that

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mcdreamy?

posted August 25, 2012 01:00 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by sand:

mcdreamy?

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posted September 25, 2012 04:11 PM            

Wow, Hera. This is powerful, helpful stuff you are sharing--from the personal emotions you have been going through, in real time...to the asteroid astrology, that brought me to this post in a search. I was trying to find relevant sex abuse threads to address a post someone made in Asteroids. I was also sharing there about my ex-GF that continues to deal with her past.

...So glad to see such potent, helpful threads hidden around here (...as you know is my preference, per my recent rant in 2.0!)

Incidentally, also seeing how you and others with Cap Asc and Aries placements deal with things is helping me understand another friend (okay--she's more like someone I'm obsessed with), who is also Cap Asc, with conjunct Aries Sun/Moon.

posted September 25, 2012 06:43 PM            

This is the thread I posted it into:

"Asteroids who indicate sexual abuse"
http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum28/HTML/001390.html

That was great info you referenced.

posted September 27, 2012 05:10 PM            

The hard lesson for people like us, Jovian, is to give people the space to heal themselves, in their own time.. Being very Neptunian myself, with a touch of Chiron in the love department, I could say the heal through love thingie is my biggest fetish. But at the end of the day, everyone is responsible to fight their own battles with their monsters. All we can do is hold their hand while they do. (and hope someone would do the same for us..)

posted September 28, 2012 06:08 PM            

Something further regarding what I shared. ...Emm..since this is the Sweet Peas forum and all.. I have recently had the urge to...em...be penetrated? And when I finally did this--by myself--yesterday, touching some spot deep inside was hitting on some deep, deep emotions. I couldn't quite grasp the source of them. In the past, something like this has been about healing my own apparent past-life issues in that area, that led to sexual blocks in this life. But this time, it didn't feel that personal. Yet, I was sobbing---deep, howling, moaning sobs, and I had a headache. On and on...it was so hard. It seemed something I needed to do, yet it was so hard. I was thinking, "God, I can't do it--it's too much! I took on too much." ...It dawned on me that I felt like I had indeed taken on her pain in some way...unconsciously, but perhaps consciously on a soul level? That I was purging all that I'd absorbed of her own experience. Anyway, that intellectual understanding of it made it only slightly more bearable.

...After a second, if less intense, session, I feel somewhat better. I do wonder if I am indeed helping her in some way? Did I indeed take on some of that, for her? ...Or am I just learning something myself, through identifying with her? IDK. Strange tale, but I feel the need to share it, somehow!

In the past, I would sometimes be drawn to massage her back, and even her head, being drawn to certain spots especially...and I would end up crying as I was doing it. I assumed that I was releasing some of her own buried pains.

...Yes, I identify with the 'heal through love' theme. Venus square Chiron here. I don't know that I can really feel at peace, that I am doing all I can for someone, that I am giving enough of myself. This is really making me think more seriously about getting into relationships, if I am so affected. Though, I believe there are a few special people I am meant to have such deep involvement with, this time around.

...But yes--we push each other's buttons, as well!

posted September 29, 2012 12:09 PM            

May I see your chart, please? Sorry, maybe you have posted it, maybe I have even seen it. But I forgot. Suffering people are self absorbed, so I heard.

posted September 30, 2012 08:13 PM            

...I was just reading over your earlier comments in this thread, where you fear the reaction of partners, when you bring up your past abuse. ...But as a few others have said, it would only be insecure or unevolved people who wouldn't be able to handle it. I think a big part of success with partners would be you yourself being okay with it...being simply, "well, this is what it is...I went through it, and I can't hide it's effects right now." You have to acknowledge that you are a mortal! ...who has perfectly human reactions! ...A human, who was once a tender child--a child who must be acknowledged, regardless of when in life it finally happens. And cripes--you are so young! So many people don't really deal with this stuff until much later, if ever.

I certainly have had only sympathy for the partners I've had who've gone through it. They obviously suffered some genuine effects from it...but don't we ALL have issues of some sort or another? None of us is fully "self-actualized!" We are all a work-in-progress. ..Mostly, I just wished I could have done something devious to the pieces of sh!!t in their lives who abused them.

So many people have gone through abuse, Hera. ...Any half-way conscious person can probably recognize those "off" behaviors that would suggest past abuse in an intimate partner. It is a sad part of the human condition, at this point in our evolution. Though, that is not to say I expect people to "be" victims forever. I admire people who are brave enough to acknowledge their issues and attempt to deal with them, whatever they are.

...I would tend to think that those who would act stand-offish would do so because of their own unresolved--perhaps even unconscious--issues with abuse, as victims or perpetrators; or, types who want to continue to look like they have all their sh!!t together, and deny any sense of the frailty and mystery of being human. And perhaps many of us are like that in our younger years...perhaps those with any Cap influence, anyway! Consciously or not, we perhaps see such illogical, emotional responses as weakness in ourselves. I am more vulnerable and open these days about my own innards, my own "weirdness." Yes--it is a risk, to be open to either rejection...or to new friends who truly care about you, just as you are.

...Perhaps the biggest hurdle is accepting ourselves just as we are, accepting the parts of ourselves we can't understand right now. ...What is sticking in my mind is your comment about being "damaged goods." To the contrary, processing and integrating this can lead to a more wise, accepting, and self-expressive being. As you process your responses to all this, you are being forced to enlarge your picture of yourself...to eventually realize a new depth to your being.

...I have met older women who have that "The past is the past, get over it" attitude--about whatever hardship they've endured early in life--and I know their life has been less rich for it...for overriding their deeper emotional needs, the need to heal and acknowledge that hurt child. They lack a certain empathy--for both themselves and others. They are not able to have deep relationships. In the past, I'd say our culture has generally assumed that kind of "buck up and get on with it" attitude.

Healing something of that magnitude will take time, for anyone having gone through it. For capable, competent people, used to knowing how to "handle" life--which it sounds like you are--it may be hard to acknowledge these more intangible emotional needs, which all humans share, and certainly if you come from a family or culture where emotions don't seem to get acknowledged. To suddenly be at the mercy of such internal drama that you can't easily understand and "solve" may feel challenging. You are just beginning all this, and really need to give yourself a break! You are going through such an onslaught of perfectly reasonable reactions to this realization. You can't "make" it unfold within yourself any other way. Try to be kind with yourself. I really admire how vulnerably you are sharing what you are going through. I don't know that I could do it. It sounds like you are doing great work.

posted October 01, 2012 09:53 AM            

There are days like today when nothing makes sense, it all seems pointless, senseless suffering. I lost a patient to cancer, in his early 40s.. I was very attached emotionally to him and his mother. I cried this morning, it messed me up completely. I cannot get over the injustice of life.. I really can't. It makes me so angry. I have relapsed, again. Back into anxiety, desperation and depression. It feels like it never ends. A couple of good days and then back in the dungeon of nothingness.. This is why I said "damaged goods".. it never ends. It's a constant battle.

Today I would have wanted to curl in someone's arms. Instead I offered someone a shoulder. Sometimes it feels hard to give when you feel empty yourself..

posted October 01, 2012 11:02 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Hera:
Yeah..

It's just that sometimes I feel like I'm running out of time. I can't keep stagnating like this, I'd like to push forward already. I'm not getting any younger and I cannot keep on passing opportunities in this life. I lost a TA job, travel opportunities and god knows how many relationship offers..
It just.. it has to stop. NOW. I have to stop from pulling my own leg. That's what irks me the most, that no matter how badly they hurt me, the biggest damage was done by me..

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I suspect you are pushing forward Hera, perhaps not at the pace you'd prefer, but that is the nature of life.

To me, also suspect your underlying reason for that reaction, you are running short of time, is fear based.

Don't fear, it makes for bad decisions, rather ***** what went wrong, and more importantly, what went right. And extract lessons from both sides, then make a decision and go with it.

Day to day stuff will always happen, in the larger picture though it is unimportant as long as fundamentally you are heading on a path you are happy with, deviate from that path recognize why, change that behavior and step back onto that path.

Strictly my .02 Hera, let me just say I've made spectacular mistakes in my life, I now know why I made them (fear, procrastination, self indulgence mostly, coupled with over loyalty to the wrong people or things) and now I no longer make those errors because I see them coming.

posted October 01, 2012 03:27 PM            

It's your perception of life, of yourself, that will get better in time.

Have you looked at what one's Saturn Return might have in store for you? ...I'm feeling some of this "running out of time" anxiety is related. Ooh...and Saturn has been conjunct your Pluto...and is hitting that Grand Cross that is evident in your chart you posted here! That's a lot for you to bear at this time.

...Your best years are yet to come, Hera. I know this to be true for you!

You are beautiful.

posted October 06, 2012 02:12 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Hera:
Life is a constant ebb and flow. Especially for me. I want to stop thinking in terms of forward/backwards. I would like to think that I am evolving at my own rhythm. It might not be as fast as I'd like sometimes, but it's what my psyche is comfortable with at the moment.
There are always compensations. The trick is to learn how to appreciate them. On that day when I wrote those depressing lines, I had one of the most spontaneous, loveliest encounters I had in a long while. Things got better. Then got worse LOL. Now they're okay again. I have to learn to go with this flow. I would like to control things but I can't. I can't even control my emotions which are almost primal. But it's a lesson.

Thank you for the encouragement, you guys! Yes. I'm getting there.

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