posted August 09, 2022 08:36 AM            

Good article on a nightmarish way
of being abused and used and manipulated
and worse👽😢🤬

I have been in that situation too
many times before I finally got a
grip on my worth after nearly dying
and gained some self respect
for me and learned to love and
trust in myself.
I wasted over 1/2 my adult life on
people who used me and abused me and
took but never gave🤬
My teens and childhood were horrific
for the most part with only
a few exceptions.😢👽
It is no wonder that I tried
to end myself so many times
from about
age 5 to age 42😢🖤
Betwixt childhood emotional and
sexual abuse by many
I should have
been able to trust,
and being born with multiple
deformaties and often agonizing
medical conditions and more kinds
of miseries
too long a list to post here at
this time😢👽

The following article
is one that I feel sadly about because
many here I sadly suspect
can identify with having and
or are still experiencing
these kind of
intense and heart wrenching torments😢👽🖤

quote:

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‘Hoovering’ Is Emotional Blackmail That Makes Gaslighting Look Like Childs Play
By Sydney Meister | Aug. 8, 2022
‘Hoovering’ Is Emotional Blackmail That Makes Gaslighting Look Like Childs Play

You and your fiancé just got in the car after (yet another) disastrous evening with friends. Like always, he had one too many to drink and made a fool of himself (and, by proxy, you). From his sexual innuendos about your BFF’s low-cut dress to telling everyone your mother’s a ‘piece of work,’ one thing’s clear: You deserve better. So, you finally say it: “I can’t do this anymore.” At first, your fiancé’s apologetic. He admits that he crossed the line and begs for a second chance. “I promise, next time will be different—just let me prove it to you,” he snivels. So, you decide to give him a second (or fifth…) chance. But then, three weeks later, you’re in the same position: Wanting out of the relationship and not knowing how to leave.
This, friends, is an example of “Hoovering.”

Indeed, Hoovering is an emotional form of manipulation that ‘sucks’ someone back into a relationship. What’s more, it’s a behavior that’s specific to narcissistic personalities (as if dealing with a narcissist wasn’t hard enough). So, we called on the experts to help break down Hoovering—from signs to look out for and exactly how it differs from gaslighting—plus advice on where to go from there.

What is Hoovering?
Hoovering is a behavioral term used to describe a narcissist (or someone with narcissistic tendencies) who uses emotional manipulation to lure their partner back into a toxic relationship. “The term comes from the concept of a Hoover vacuum, [where a narcissist] will ‘suck up’ the happiness from their previous partner in order to get them to return to them,” Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick, a licensed psychologist specializing in relationships and trauma, tells us. Usually, this behavior comes on the heels of a separation. One partner attempts to remove themselves from the relationship, while the other does everything in their power to regain control.

Why would someone Hoover?
The short answer? Control. “Hoovering behaviors are meant to pull their previous partner back in so they can go back to feeling a sense of control and boosted ego,” says Dr. Fedrick. In theory, Hoovering is a last-ditch effort for someone—with a distorted worldview, we might add—to regain control. In reality, it’s a masked manipulation tactic that, if successful, leaves the other person feeling trapped, confused and unable to see the situation clearly.

What types of people typically Hoover?
While anyone can technically engage in Hoovering behaviors, Dr. Fedrick says it’s generally more specific to narcissistic relationships. “What is important to note here, is that there are a very large number of individuals who display narcissistic tendencies, despite not fully falling into the diagnostic category of a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). So while it’s accurate to say that ‘anyone can engage in Hoovering,’ it’s generally individuals with multiple narcissistic tendencies who will be most likely to demonstrate this type of dysfunctional behavior.”

What does Hoovering look like when it’s happening?
Case Kenny, relationship expert and host of the New Mindset Who Dis podcast, tells us: “Someone who knows their partner is trying to leave (and knows how to manipulate them) will pull anything out of their toolbox that can tug at their partner’s heartstrings.” On one hand, this can involve elaborate gift giving or love bombing, where the person will make too-big-to-be-true promises to distract from the reality of the relationship. Yet, on the other, Hoovering can manifest in psychological forms of blackmail that sow doubt and insecurity. “If you're married or you've been dating for a long time, the longevity of your relationship is something that's going to be thrown around a lot. Plus, if there are kids involved, there’s another level of guilt associated with ‘breaking up the family’ that someone can throw on you,” Kenny adds.

10 Signs of Hoovering
Per Dr. Fedrick, here are ten specific signs to look out for when it comes to Hoovering.

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having to leave and go to work😢👽😀
Okay not going to add examples for every point but that kind of thing was how it was before internet, cellphones, and texting and all at such near instantaneous speed of action when compared to the "old"
slowmo days without tech it makes my mind spin👽😳

Back to the article✍️
Please pardon any typos.
Morphine by prescription must be now maxed
by order of oncologist and neurologist due to extreme pain from the cancers and more😢
So not seeing very clearly.
Brain still working despite all that but
fingers and eyesight wonking out on and off ugh👽

Okay back to the article😢👽

quote:

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1. Sending lovey-dovey texts after a breakup

Receiving text messages that say things like, “I am thinking about you” or “I miss you.”

2. Coming up with random reasons to see you

Reaching out for random reasons, such as needing help with something or ‘remembering’ that they left something at your house.

3. Threatening you with self-harm

Making threats of self-harming behaviors if they are unable to see you or talk to you.

4. Love-bombing you with over-the-top gestures

Over-complimenting or showering you with praise, sending elaborate gifts or other unnecessary surprises.

5. Giving long-overdue apologies

Apologizing for prior abusive behaviors and promising to be different and to make changes.

6. Making empty promises

Making promises that they have engaged in self-improvement attempts and are a ‘different’ person.

7. Offering to ‘keep things casual’

Pretending as though nothing has happened and attempting to re-engage in a casual manner.

8. Trying to reach you through your friends or family

Having friends or family members reach out to you on their behalf. This is a great way to not only muddle the situation, but frame you as ‘the bad guy’ to the people you care about most.

9. Reaching out on holidays or special occasions

Using special occasions (i.e., Christmas, New Years, birthdays, etc.) as a reason to text or call you.

10. ‘Accidentally’ contacting you to strike up a conversation

Sending ‘accidental’ calls or texts in order to get you to answer or return their attempt.

What should someone do if they’re being hoovered?
According to Dr. Fedrick, “Awareness is key when it comes to preventing or stopping the cycles of a toxic relationship.” It’s kind of like AA: the first step to healing is recognizing—and admitting—that there’s a problem in the relationship. “You shouldn't be trying to find a reason to stay in response to the fear of starting over,” Kenny adds. “I spend a lot of time talking to older generations for observation, and I've never heard someone say, ‘I regret being single.’ I know—especially as we get older—we have a real aversion to starting over and being single. But if you look in the grand scheme of things, the thing you’ll regret is most is sticking it out in a relationship that doesn't serve you. I think starting over is less about what you're leaving behind, and more about the self-work you’ve done, and what you're bringing with you into the future.”

7 ways to set boundaries when you’re being Hoovered
Dr. Fedrick suggests doing some research into common narcissistic behaviors, so you have a deeper understanding of what’s happening with your partner. “Once you recognize that you are being Hoovered, your absolute best bet is to clearly set and hold boundaries with this individual, so you don’t fall prey to these behaviors.” How might you set these boundaries, you ask? Here are seven things you can do right now, according to Dr. Fedrick:

Request, or even demand, for them to stop contacting you.
Don’t respond when they do contact you.
Contact the police department or crisis line if they are threatening to harm themselves.
Block their contact information and social media accounts.
Refrain from talking about them to mutual friends or acquaintances. If mutual friends bring them up in conversation, simply tell them that you’d prefer to talk about something else.
Find ways to stay busy or distracted and prevent yourself from being tempted to engage in conversation.
Seek out professional help in order to heal from the abuse of this relationship. Receiving the necessary support and tools to set boundaries is the key to permanently leaving this relationship.

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The next post is about suffering
these kinds of manipulative psychological abuse
whilst in a relationship of any duration,
and in some of my situations,
such as a long marriages of 1 or 2
decades more or less adding in dating not just marriages etcetera 👽😢

posted August 09, 2022 09:43 AM            

quote:

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What Does Gaslighting in Relationships Actually Look Like?
By Sarah Stiefvater | Aug. 1, 2020
Over the past few years, you’ve likely come across the term gaslighting (in fact, it was one of Oxford Dictionary’s most popular buzzwords of 2018). ,And while this toxic behavior can occur in workplaces or friendships or political systems, bigaslighting in relationships is also rather common. Here’s what you need to know about how to spot it and how to stop it.

[B][i]What Does Gaslighting in Relationships Actually Look Like ?[/b/][i]
ILLUSTRATION BY SOFIA KRAUSHAAR
What Is Gaslighting?
Though it can take many different forms, at its core, gaslighting is a communication technique in which someone causes you to question your own version of past events. Most times, it’s meant to make you feel like you’re losing your grip on reality. In its milder forms, gaslighting creates an unequal power dynamic in a relationship and at its worst, gaslighting can actually be considered a form of mind-control and psychological abuse.

The phrase originated from a 1938 mystery thriller, Gas Light, written by British playwright Patrick Hamilton. The play was later made into a popular movie starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer. In the film, husband Gregory manipulates his adoring wife Paula into believing she can no longer trust her own perceptions of reality.

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, there are five distinct gaslighting techniques:

Withholding: The abusive partner pretends not to understand or refuses to listen. Ex. “I don’t want to hear this again,” or “You’re trying to confuse me.”
Countering: The abusive partner questions the victim’s memory of events, even when the victim remembers them accurately. Ex. “You’re wrong, you never remember things correctly.”
Blocking/Diverting: The abusive partner changes the subject and/or questions the victim’s thoughts. Ex. “Is that another crazy idea you got from [friend/family member]?” or “You’re imagining things.”
Trivializing: The abusive partner makes the victim’s needs or feelings seem unimportant. Ex. “You’re going to get angry over a little thing like that?” or “You’re too sensitive.”
Forgetting/Denial: The abusive partner pretends to have forgotten what actually occurred or denies things like promises made to the victim. Ex. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” or “You’re just making stuff up.”
What Are Some Signs Your Partner Is Gaslighting You?
As psychoanalyst and author Robin Stern, Ph.D. writes in Psychology Today, there are lots of warning signs this is happening in your relationship. These include:

You’re constantly second-guessing yourself.
You ask yourself, "Am I too sensitive?" a dozen times a day.
You often feel confused and even crazy.
You're always apologizing to your mother, father, partner, boss.
You can't understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren't happier.
You frequently make excuses for your partner's behavior to friends and family.
You find yourself withholding information from friends and family, so you don't have to explain or make excuses.
You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
You have trouble making simple decisions.
You have the sense that you used to be a very different person—more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
You feel hopeless and joyless.
You feel as though you can't do anything right.
You wonder if you are a "good enough" partner/wife/employee/friend/daughter.
How Can You Spot Gaslighting in a Relationship?
One early indicator that a relationship could be headed toward gaslighting is the occurrence of love bombing—and it can appear to be similar to the honeymoon phase. You know, where you can’t stop calling and thinking about one another, you start dreaming about a future together and while you’re usually really cynical, you find yourself writing poetry for the first time in your life. But love bombing is different—mostly because it’s one-sided and feels a little cringey. “It’s flowers delivered at work with hearts dotting the i’s in your name,” counselor and professor Suzanne Degges-White, Ph.D offers as one example. “It’s texts that increase in frequency as they increase in romantic fervor. It’s surprise appearances designed to manipulate you into spending more time with the bomber—and, not coincidentally, less time with others, or on your own.” If you’re caught off-guard by the sudden onslaught of romantic gestures, chances are, you’re being love bombed.

In the textbook What Is Psychology?: Social Psychology, Hal Belch identifies love bombing as a tactic that cult leaders use: “To attract potential members, cultists use a variety of self-esteem building techniques collectively known as ‘Love Bombing,’ in which they shower recruits with continual love and praise.” It’s also a well-known strategy that sex traffickers use to gain control, according to the book Gangs and Girls.

Love bombing is effective because it creates the illusion that the love bomber is being vulnerable with you. This, in turn, causes you to open up to them more than you usually would feel comfortable doing, leaving the door wide open to be manipulated and controlled.

What Can You Do If You’re Being Gaslighted?
Compile Proof

Because the main goal of gaslighting is to make you feel like you’ve lost touch with reality, it’s important to keep a record of things as they happen, to return to as proof when you start to doubt your own memory. When it comes to proof, the National Domestic Violence Hotline recommends keeping a journal with dates, times and as many details as possible, in addition to confiding in a trusted family member or friend.

Lean on Your Friends and Family

Though it’s often the goal of a gaslighter to isolate you from the people who care about you, having people other than your partner that you can confide in is crucial if at all possible. In addition to acting as a sounding board, a friend or family member is an unbiased third party who can reality check the situation and remind you that what you’re feeling isn’t “crazy” or “exaggerated.”

Seek Professional Help

If you suspect there’s gaslighting going on in your relationship, seek out the help of a licensed therapist—specifically someone who specializes in relationship therapy—who can help you define what you’re going through and help you get past it. Depending on the severity of your situation, you can also call the National Abuse Hotline at 800-799-7233 for urgent help.

What Are Some Other Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship?
1. You Feel Anxious When You Aren’t Together

When you’ve spent a few hours away from your partner, you find yourself checking your phone, having trouble making decisions on your own and worrying that something’s going to go wrong. While you might have initially thought that this is a reason you should be together (everything’s so much better when it’s just the two of you, cuddling on the couch), this isn’t the case, says Jill P. Weber, Ph.D. If you’re constantly second-guessing yourself, it could be a sign that your partner has a hold on your life—and the decisions you make—in a toxic way.

2. You Don’t Feel Like Yourself

A healthy relationship should bring out the very best in you. When you and your partner go out dancing, you should feel like your confident, gorgeous and carefree self, not jealous, insecure or ignored. If you’ve been feeling worse off since you’ve been hanging out with your significant other, there may be some toxic stuff going on.

3. You’re Giving Way More Than You’re Taking

We don’t mean material stuff and grand gestures, like roses and truffles. It’s more about the thoughtful little things, like rubbing your back without being asked, taking the time to ask about your day or picking up your favorite ice cream at the grocery store—just because. If you’re the only one going out of your way to do these special things for your partner and they never reciprocate or return the gesture (especially if you’ve already communicated that this is something you’d like), it might be time to give the relationship a closer look.

4. You and Your Partner Keep Score

“The ‘keeping score’ phenomenon is when someone you’re dating continues to blame you for past mistakes you made in the relationship,” explains Mark Manson, author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. Once you’ve resolved an issue, it’s an extremely toxic habit to unearth the same argument again and again, with the intention of one-upping (or worse, embarrassing) your spouse. For example, let’s say you went out with your friends last summer, had three too many Aperol spritzes and accidentally broke a lamp. If you’ve already talked it out and apologized, there’s no reason for your spouse to continually bring it up every time you and your friends have a drinks date.

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