posted November 23, 2023 05:22 PM            

When should one stop trying⁉️
When things are not ever going to really get better but one is still alive but death is always on their mind and the sense of impending doom is not emotional but pure logic of knowing time will run rapidly by and no matter how much one heals they will eventually disintegrate physically and even mentally lose themselves more each day and suffer pain and paralyzing immobility and the chances of being in a wonderful future and feeling great is just not ever going to happen.
My grandfather once told me that one can live too long.
Was he right⁉️
Yes they seem to be curing my cancers but at great injury to other aspects of my life and body.
There has not been a day in over 4 years that the thought and sense of dying has not gripped my mind for at least a few hours or more each day and night and in the past two years death thoughts have been plaguing my mind and the stress on my body and mind hours and even up to entire days and nights.
I cannot even have sexual intercourse. All my parts for doing so are no longer. Yes cancer took it all away and surgery finished the process. There is no fixing that.
My body hurts to be touched due to neuralogias
so that even the gentlest hug or lightest touch and even the pressure of my clothing or any furniture causes pain. Often nigh unto unbearable pain. Heavy pain meds do not help usually. I miss simple human touch. I miss walking. I miss my eyesight. I hate being super impoverished. I hate not being able to bathe and shower and needing help to dress myself and more.
Today is Thanksgiving Day and except for a few things to still be thankful for there are thousands of things to not be thankful for and countless things and abilities forever lost to me.
No I am not going to go all suicidal.
I just hate not knowing how much more time I have and if it will continue to keep getting worse and then I die nevertheless no matter what I do or do not do.

I wish I were younger again like 50 would be wonderful and not so physically wrecked and impoverished.

On that note am utterly exhausted even though mostly bed bound.
Sleep is even painful and nothing can help with that.
I doubt anyone here can help so just hear me and wish me some good luck.
There really is no advice that would help me.
Just have to keep on keeping on every moment and see what happens next.

Love and blessings to you all and value your health and the good things in your life.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

PS.
Hoping that when these new chemotherapy
gene therapy intrveinous infusions are finished in May 2024 that my body and life might get better.
I shall wait and see and not give up just yet.
Just so damn exhausted mentally and physically.
This quote is a great comfort to me and has gotten me through many a suicidal time past.

quote:

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The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night.”
― Nietzsche

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Take a look at my
LexIgramming/LexAgramming Biography
Nearly 2/3 of a century to date of
♥ LexAgramming
Lexperience!🔠✍️
~I remember, therefore I am immortal~LEXX
~The present time is theirs, but the future is mine.~Никола Тесла

posted November 23, 2023 05:33 PM            

I am still holding on with the help of the words of Nietzsche
Thank you Mr.
Nietzsche💙😎

posted November 25, 2023 09:40 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by teasel:
I'm sorry. I wish I could help.

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Knowing that you truly care does help😎❤️
So many people claim to care but sooner than later they stop communicating with me👽
I'd rather that they never were nice when they tire of me and go away.👽👽👽
Better to not experience kindness only to discover it may have been mostly lip service
or politically correct nicely nice but had no real depth.
So I wonder if they were really caring or not👽👽👽
Or just do not want to deal with me during my darker times.
I have begun to not trust most people or count on most people especially since the cancer battle began.
People are just too busy to truly care it seems.
I have been a real downer with my many ills so should not be surprised that folks rather avoid me.
That is okay and I am glad they have lives.and I hope they appreciate these lives.
Drives me crazy when people complain about things being horrible in their lives when seriously they should be counting their blessings.

So thank you teasel
even though we do not talk but rarely
you have always been there for nigh onto
19 years to date😎❤️

posted November 25, 2023 10:12 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Randall:
I think 2024 will be your year. Hang on.

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So I am indeed holding on as hard as possible.

posted December 06, 2023 12:27 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Randall:
If you hang on just a little longer, everything will be fine. After all you have been through, what is a few more months? Stay positive!

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Just so exhausted and sick not only because of my mostly bed bound days but worried about my husband and other issues👽😭.

I definitely am not giving up just yet 😎👍

Simply having a very difficult time with my issues and also with my husband sicker than me in ways due to the rare liver disease that is hereditary, and has no cure👽😭 things are beyond hard around here😭😭😭

Doing our best to hold on👍😎💙