posted May 08, 2012 09:25 AM            

I was just looking at some charts and coincidentally had Jude Law`s on, simply "getting a first impression" visually, when I felt like some kind of bolt hit me, an idea I think. PRobably a stupid one. lol

Anyway, I was thinking how we are doing antiscia (and these definitely work), by mirroring them across the 00 Aries - 00 Libra axis (or sometimes 00 Cap - 00 Cancer), and I was dreamily staring unfocused onto the chart and suddenly saw the horizon-line, ASC-DESC, which separates light from dark, the I-half from the You-half, of a chart, and suddenly I was thinking, what if instead of taking the general collective Aries-Libra-line, we take the INDIVIDUAL Aries-Libra-line, which is the ASC-DESC, and mirror / reflect planets through it?

I think I had dthat idea because if you look at his chart, there is a clear mirroring from planets in 1st an 12th house.

His Venus is within one degree of mirroring Neptune through the ASC (both are roughly 3 or 4 degrees off the ASC-line, just in different directions).

His Mercury is roughly mirroring Mars.

Of course his Mercury/Mars-mp is conjunct his ASC, and his Veus/Neptune-mp is conjunct his ASC.

I think these mirrorings/ reflectings through the ASC-DESC-lines might correlate with the ASC falling onto the midpoints of these planets. Well, that of course means that the usual Antiscion, mirrored through 00 Aries, is really the midpoint of two planets to the Aries-point. (though it might fall onto any cardinal point, it does not have to be 00 Aries I guess).

So you can see for yourself here is Jude Law`s chart.

And here is mine:

As you can see in my case Mars and Neptune mirror each other through the ASC, so I have ASC conjunct Mars/Neptune-mp.

So I think t probably is just midpoints. lol

posted May 08, 2012 09:29 AM            

thank you for sharing this.
It`s interesting on the one hand it is breathtaking to read those, and on the other hands at several sentences I nodded and said to myself: Yes, exactly like that.
LOL

posted May 09, 2012 11:52 AM            

I was remembering that some astrologers pay attention to the prenatal solar or lunar ecclipse.
Since the solar ecclipse is a Sun-Moon-conjunction, would it make sense to check it? And the lunar one?

Of course several people close in age would share the same prenatal solar ecclipse, but I was thinking that maybe the aspects to individual points in eacch other`s chart might be relevant like to the luminaries, nodal axis, angles and Atlantis?

Here`s a table,
http://www.cafeastrology.com/eclipsessolarlunar.html
http://serennu.com/astrology/eclipseoccultation.php?insyear=1877&ineyear=1878&insort=revodate&se=y&le=y

My own prenatal solar ecclipse falls onto:
21°17 Sagittarius just five days before my birthday.
My lunar ecclipse is on 7°03 Gemini conjunct my DESC on 7°01! (it also was a total one).

I`ve run a check of some celebrity couples:

Newmans
---------
his Solar Ecclipse: 4 Aquarius (he`s been born close to an ecclipse).
his lunar ecclipse: 21 Aquarius

her SE: 8 Scorpio
her LE: 24 Taurus

his SE square her NN exact (thus being on its midpoint)
her SE square his Sun (2)
her SE conjunct his MC exact

his LE conjunct her Moon (3)
her LE sextile his Atlantis (2)

Carter - Cash
--------------
his SE: 17 Libra
her SE: 18 Taurus

his SE possibly square her Moon
her SE conjunct his Atlantis (!)

his LE: 2 Aries
her LE: 1 Sagittarius

his LE trine her LE
his LE square her Sun exact
his LE trine her Atlantis exact

my parents
------------
his SE: 28 Libra
her SE: 8 Virgo

his SE conjunct her Sun (5)

his LE: 13 ARies
her LE: 21 Virgo

his LE square her ASC (2)
his LE square her Atlantis (0)
her LE conjunct his ASC (3)

Edgar Cayce and his proclaimed twinsoul
----------------------------------------
his SE: 24 Pisces
(he was born close to it)
his LE: 9 Virgo

her SE: 16 Virgo
her LE: 1 Aries

his SE trine her ASC exact
his SE conjunct her Venus
his LE square her Moon exact
his LE quinkunx her Sun exact
his LE conjunct her NN on 9 Virgo EXACT!

his ecclipses set off her ASC, Sun, Moon AND nodal axis. Jeez!

her SE opposite his Venus exact
(her SE close to his SN with 6 degrees)
her LE conjunct his Sun (2-3)

Pretty amazing, this one!

Sri Aurobindo and "the mother"
------------------------------
his SE: 15 Gemini
his LE: 30 Sagittarius

her SE: 13 Aquarius
her LE: 28 Leo
(she has been born close to it)

his LE sextile her Moon (2)
her SE square his MC (2)
her SE conjunct his DESC on 13 Leo exact!
her LE widely conjunct his Sun (6)
her LE trine his Moon exact

posted May 09, 2012 07:57 PM            

As for how to make it work, I'll leave ya'll to work out the details and I will happily follow

I'm aware of Sri Aurobindo and his prominent status among Indians. He was a deeply spiritual man, visionary, philosopher, writer, mystic, scholar, and political activist, who fought tirelessly for the independence of his country from the British, for which he was jailed for treason and kept in solitary confinement for a year. During his imprisonment he had several spiritual experiences.

His teachings can be summarized as follows:
http://www.infobuddhism.com/infobuddhism/institute%20for%20wholistic%20education/design/teaching.htm

"The teaching of Sri Aurobindo starts from that of the ancient sages of India that behind the appearances of the universe there is the Reality of a Being and Consciousness, a Self of all things, one and eternal. All beings are united in that One Self and Spirit but divided by a certain separativity of consciousness, an ignorance of their true Self and Reality in the mind, life and body. It is possible by a certain psychological discipline to remove this veil of separative consciousness and become aware of the true Self, the Divinity within us and all. "

The psychological discipline referenced here of course is the practice of Yoga.

"The Mother" as she was called, was born Mirra Alfassa in Paris to an Egyptian mother and Turkish father. She had dreams and visions from childhood and when, at age 36, she met Sri Aurobindo in India, she immediately recognized him as a mentor she had encountered in earlier visions, and knew that her future work was at his side. At age 40 she moved to India and never left.

In her own words- http://www.miraura.org/bio/herself.html

"from Volume 13, Words of the Mother, p.38 (1920)

When and how did I become conscious of a mission which I was to fulfill on earth? And when and how I met Sri Aurobindo?

These two questions you have asked me and I promised a short reply.

For the knowledge of the mission, it is difficult to say when it came to me. It is as though I were born with it, and following the growth of the mind and brain, the precision and completeness of this consciousness grew also.

Between 11 and 13 a series of psychic and spiritual experiences revealed to me not only the existence of God but man's possibility of uniting with Him, of realising Him integrally in consciousness and action, of manifesting Him upon earth in a life divine. This, along with a practical discipline for its fulfillment, was given to me during my body's sleep by several teachers, some of whom I met afterwards on the physical plane.

Later on, as the interior and exterior development proceeded, the spiritual and psychic relation with one of these beings became more and more clear and frequent; and although I knew little of the Indian philosophies and religions at that time I was led to call him Krishna, and henceforth I was aware that it was with him (whom I knew I should meet on earth one day) that the divine work was to be done.

In the year 1910 my husband came alone to Pondicherry where, under very interesting and peculiar circumstances, he made the acquaintance of Sri Aurobindo. Since then we both strongly wished to return to India -- the country which I had always cherished as my true mother-country. And in 1914 this joy was granted to us.

As soon as I saw Sri Aurobindo I recognised in him the well-known being whom I used to call Krishna... And this is enough to explain why I am fully convinced that my place and my work are near him, in India."

She was given the title the "Mother" which is also used for the Indian Goddess Parvati or "Divine Shakti." "Sri Aurobindo recognised in her an embodiment of the dynamic expressive aspect of evolutionary, creative Force, in India traditionally known and approached as the 'Supreme Mother'." (http://www.auroville.org/vision/ma.htm)

posted May 11, 2012 03:25 AM            

yes, I was thinking along the lines of your explanation.
I think I am going to include the prenatal ecclipse and maybe also the Venus Star point on an observational basis at least.

posted May 11, 2012 03:27 AM            

actually I thought the Edgar Cayce connections were even more jawdropping. lol

posted May 12, 2012 06:31 PM            

"actually I thought the Edgar Cayce connections were even more jawdropping. lol"

Yes, yes I just saw that and completely agree. Earlier, I mistook the Edgar Cayce ones for Sri Aurobindo's. And yes both are very interesting cases showing that TF's don't have to be romantically involved.
________________________

Just for fun (no intent to derail the thread), guess what I did! Earlier on in the thread, I'd mentioned that I should look for connections bet. you, Taineberry and me because of how much I'm learning from you both. Well I just took a cursory look-

Ceridwen, my Merc. is in your 7H exactly conjunct your SN, conj. your Desc. (3 deg), and exactly opposite your 1H Neptune. Your 12H Mars trines my 12H Mars (4 deg), your Pluto exactly sextiles my Mars, your Saturn sextiles my Moon (2 deg), your Uranus is exactly conj. my Desc. (geographical distance?), your Vertex-AntiVertex axis is conjunct my IC/MC axis (1 deg)! Plus my Asc., Moon, and a bunch of my loaded 1H stuff falls in your 5H.

Some of the placements I share with Taineberry are an exact Asc/Desc. conjunction! Also, Sun/Merc. conjunction (3 deg), Jupiter/Mars conjunction (4 deg), exact Jupiter (hers) conjunction with my Anti-Vertex at 13 Aries, and Moon/Neptune opposition.

posted May 13, 2012 05:00 PM            

My TF and I each have Isis conj. Osiris in our natals, and, naturally, Isis conj. Osiris in our composite, exact.

I'm definitely up for researching more into it. There's an amusing sychronicity with how we met - writing a collaborative storyline in which our characters were respectively reacting to news of the others' death in different versions of a timeline.

When he disappeared inexplicably, and the search concluded with them giving him up for dead, she, for the first time, trusted her instincts - thinking she'd heard him, or had seen him - and placed herself under so that she could go to the astral plane and search for him. Pretty gutsy ... for a physicist.

When they meet in the other plane, a cataclysm strikes, and they lose each other. He finds himself back in the physical plane, but won't rest until he's found and brought her back.

He does find her, at last, and ... yet again, the unanticipated (this time, stemming from the secrets he's kept from her about who he really is, and how he knows how to navigate these extra-dimensional realms) hits, and she doesn't survive it.

Given the physics of the other plane, he considers remaining there until all memory of his former self fades from existence, and he's taken by the arriving void which will destroy everything.

So, he takes her hand, and is just about to go under, when suddenly, he's reminded of something that happened in the physical plane - innocuous then, but here, the possible means to save her. If it doesn't kill him in the process.

I was ... really astounded. All of this ... profound, soulful, powerful drama that emerged in this storyline. How the prevailing theme was very clear: these two souls were NOT going to exist without the other - period, paragraph. Which would be easily expressed if they were lovers, but they aren't. Their mutual feelings for each other are way too powerful, and both hide conveniently behind their ascribed roles, allowing them to sublimate or deny their true feelings.

And then ... it's all too late.

Anyhow, in a composite which is almost ALL Scorpio - with lots of Karma, Valentine, and so-on influencing - and then that Isis-Osiris conjunction - it was easy to see why we started writing these characters this way without ANY preamble. Just - bam - there it was.

It remains a fan favourite, too.

------------------
Stargazing in Hollyweird,

-AMP

--

Karma's a b*tch.

posted May 13, 2012 05:22 PM            

My husband and I DO have a conjunction, synastrically - of Isis and Osiris. It's HIS Isis to MY Osiris, though. It's conjunct in the composite as well, but weakly.

As much as I love my husband, and he IS 'home' to me, it's been an incredibly painful revelation to understand that he isn't my twin.

And, as for the HG goes ... we had a very active sexual relationship which was varied and fulfilling, until I discovered how it wasn't fulfilling for me as I needed it to be. (Curiously, his Psyche is conjunct my Eros, as well). I started seeking a deeper, more profound spiritual connection. I found it to a great extent with someone, but he was too scared of the depth we could explore, and I grew tired of feeling emotionally abandoned.

The longest-standing, most powerful sexual chemistry and, to be honest, absolute longing, I've ever felt with anyone has been for my TF. But it's becoming evident to me as to why this is.

It's interesting, I think, how my husband and I 'fooled' each other by playing the roles which made us each madly in love. Then, once we were married, it's as if an obligation had been met - some sort of duty fulfilled. And when my relationship with my TF reached a new honesty, everything in my being switched gears, and I've not been able to switch it back - even as my husband is Home, and my TF and I are not meant to build a 'home' in this lifetime. But we ARE to do some very important, very powerful things together, and the tension between us has always been palpable. Storm-bringing. Seismic-event causing. Powerful stuff.

Oh, it's all so complicated.

------------------
Stargazing in Hollyweird,

-AMP

--

Karma's a b*tch.

posted May 14, 2012 09:53 AM            

I have often been troubled by the question of why certain twinflames meet each other in circumstances that prevent them from being together. For example (hypothetical) let us say we have two individuals in a twinflame pairing called A and B. They both grow up and get married. A has children, lots of responsibilities and commitments. B gets married, but has no children and enjoys the DINK lifestyle and freedom that comes with it. Then, somewhere down the line A meets B and … BAM… the attunement between them is electric, impossible to ignore – even though neither of them were “looking” for any kind of liaison. It is like the air between them ignites in each other’s presence, but it goes beyond normal attraction because suddenly they are with someone who “gets” them at a deep level. Their secret/suppressed selves that ordinarily never see the light of day starts to emerge naturally when they are together – there is a sense of total freedom with each other, nothing is taboo. But they are both married. And the reality is that while A finds himself falling in truly in love with B, there is a part of him that resists or even denies this because he feels a huge obligation to his wife and family who have done “nothing wrong” to deserve their lives being destroyed. Likewise, B falls in love with A, but also holds back as she is also bound by her marriage and her love for her husband, as well as the realization that her comfort zone is so different to his lifestyle. Despite this, she knows deep down that he is something special and with the best will in the world, she can’t let him go, and vice versa. So they become friends that light up like candles when they see each other, with a tension between them that is characterized by unfulfilled longing. They might talk about it, they might not … but either way it hurts constantly because they both feel the magnetic pull of the other, and they spend countless hours justifying to themselves why they cannot just submit to that pressure. They might even try to break contact with each other, because it is just too intense see each other. But even if they do, they will NEVER ever forget each other.

Why does this happen? It seems so cruel. Why did fate wait till they were both married before they crossed each other’s paths? Why did fate make them meet each other AT ALL? They would have been happier if they had never met. It makes no sense from the point of view of the individuals concerned, but the logic of the soul operates in a completely different way.

It is my belief that A and B chose to incarnate knowing that they would have to face this pain, because they needed this experience in order to learn something that was important to their soul development. Because .. in order to truly appreciate one thing, you need to have experienced its opposite. This pair may have needed to know what it is like be out of reach for each other (this life), in order to fully appreciate what their togetherness (in a future life) really means. Or they may have (in a previous incarnation) become too insular as a couple in their functioning – so focused on their own bond that they forgot that there is a bigger whole to consider. Now they needed to go a step further and learn what it means to sacrafice their own interests in order to do the right thing for an “outsider” who also needs their love - this is an extremely difficult thing to do in circumstances where the true mate is nearby. Or there might be some karma that has to be worked through before they are ready to be with one another – karma that they both need to experience with their respective spouses before they can be together. The tantalizing presence of the true mate and the delay while they refine aspects of their individual selves will strengthen their character and make their next reunion so much sweeter. There might even be some karma hanging between the twinflames themselves – this would especially be the case if one of the pair was wanted to reunite, whilst the other resisted.

All these experiences can only take place on the physical plane and are scripted in to the blueprint of one’s lifeplan purposefully by ones own soul prior to birth. We do our best learning and developing (whether it be as individuals, as twinflames, as soulgroups or as “the whole”) on the physical plane because this is the only plane where duality and resistance is experienced. In spirit there is only light and togetherness, … but on earth we get to understand and know light because we understand and know darkness. This is why some of the things that make no sense on earth make perfect sense to our souls.

posted May 14, 2012 01:20 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:
All these experiences can only take place on the physical plane and are scripted in to the blueprint of one’s lifeplan purposefully by ones own soul prior to birth. We do our best learning and developing (whether it be as individuals, as twinflames, as soulgroups or as “the whole”) on the physical plane because this is the only plane where duality and resistance is experienced. In spirit there is only light and togetherness, … but on earth we get to understand and know light because we understand and know darkness. This is why some of the things that make no sense on earth make perfect sense to our souls.

---

This is absolutely my understanding also. That the souls in agreement with what needs to be done, decide before birth, with infinite wisdom and kindness, to undergo certain experiences as humans for their growth. And that duality on the physical plane exists so that the opposite can be appreciated. Therefore "bad" exists so that "good" can be valued, etc.

posted May 14, 2012 02:17 PM            

I did wonder lol about the writing style which seemed more like Taineberry's. Also when I read Indigo's post yesterday, I had a strong feeling that Taineberry would respond to it.

posted May 14, 2012 02:25 PM            

it is fascinating to read about your experiences, and also the series sounds amazing. I would love watching it!

I often wondered how it is to love someone (like you love oyur husband) and then realize that he is NOT the twinflame, and then even meeting the twinflame.
It sounds very exhausting and painful.

On the other hand maybe these scenarios happen so we understand that love is not being bound to social insititutions and conceptions about love, but extends beyond it all.

posted May 14, 2012 04:18 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:

On the other hand maybe these scenarios happen so we understand that love is not being bound to social insititutions and conceptions about love, but extends beyond it all.

---

Yes, exactly. To find alternative ways of experiencing twinflame love that is not necessarily sexual and can also be expandrd to include others. However, (dare I say it) ...the very bravest twinflames out there may also be able to pioneer new and ethical paradigms for sexual relationships that are more encompassing than what is currently considered acceptable in our society where a lot of our insistence on monagomy is based on fear of loss under the guise of love. Ok, I am going off on a controversial tangent here, but I do think that relationships a few hundred years from now could operate according to vastly different rules.

But back to the subject of HG theory - I will try to post a new summary with the latest revised astrological indicators soon, for comment and scrutiny.

posted May 14, 2012 05:48 PM            

Wow - such wonderful responses. Taineberry, I'm going to have to grok yours a bit further as my brain is on autopilot from an especially difficult weekend of medium work. But it stuck in places which made total sense, so I'm grateful for the holistic comprehension. But once my words are fully back, I'll be able to answer you properly.

You were clearly brought into the mix Ceridwen, and not by accident. Heh.

It IS curious, how we met. When I'd had the dream, I logically brought in one of my older creative partners, who was developing a project which stemmed from the same inspiration. (We'd been doing that for years, so it was unsurprising.) But everything kept him from becoming involved, and when I met my to-be-co-creator, I just ... knew.

I'd like to say our eyes locked and time stood still and all that rot. In truth, it was very simple.

He sent me an IM.

We both were writers in another project. (It was so God awful ridiculous, we both concede that it was temporary insanity, and given the whole thing went kaput RIGHT after we'd finished our first scene together, pretty obvious as to why we'd signed on to it at all.)

It went like this.

'Aubianne?' (I'd used my actual name - which was a first.)
'Hi. That's me.'
'I know. Hi. It's nice to meet you.'

And that's it. Yet, somehow, I knew. That nagging voice in the back of my brain was going, 'it's him! He's the one! He's got the rest of the story! The missing piece!' Which, granted, seemed crazy. I knew of his existence for less than 48 hours, this was the first time we'd ever spoken, he's an AOL handle, and I want to put my burgeoning masterpiece in his hands by giving him carte-blanche in writing and developing the main character who'll spearhead everything? Me? Super-cautious? One, dare say, super-paranoid? It made no sense, and so ... I had to do it.

I gave him a background sketch, and he launched a character who we'd find eerily reminiscent of Tony Stark per the Iron Man films. Larger-than-life personality who unwittingly hijacked most of the scenes by just being that charismatic and brilliant.

I was more ecstatic than I'd been in a long time, and having suffered a recent string of tragedies, it was the first time I felt hopeful and truly motivated again. This was important, and now it was in existence, and my co-writer had somehow taken unspoken thoughts, quirks, desires, and conflicts out of my brain and into reality. It was a heady experience, and I couldn't quite grasp the magnitude.

The REAL feeling, the moment that things would swirl and click and leave me practically breathless was when we began our individual storyline.

I'm actually happy to go into that, but I don't want to bore everyone to tears. It's ... absolutely eerie how so much of it actually parallels not only our experiences in the here-and-now, (or our recent past) but how much indication there is that it's actually a part of our karmic past, too.

Man. So much stuff.

------------------
Stargazing in Hollyweird,

-AMP

--
Everything you know is wrong.

posted May 14, 2012 10:16 PM            

Thank you for sharing your story which underscores once again that nothing is by accident. All is by design.

I remember reading your post a while back on some other forum (can't remember which one) 'cause I remember your mention of the creative co-writer.

That you hold it together so strongly in the face of your current reality is actually quite inspiring.

posted May 15, 2012 12:38 AM            

You ever have one of those moments where you don't realise something hurts until someone says, 'Wow, I bet that really smarts' ? And, as much as it just occurred to me how snide that seems, I'm saying so with total, humble honesty. One of my biggest failings this time around, has been my inability to acknowledge emotional or psychological pain. I almost wonder if that's why I became sick (fibromyalgia) in my mid-twenties. Who can say?

The truth is, I wasn't sure how to respond to your post. My initial feeling was, -blinkblink- 'Wha? I'M the one who's in the wrong for causing so much upheaval and calamity. Why would I deserve love, happiness and warm fuzzies?' So, I had to grok it. Seriously grok it. Not least of all because I realised it DOES hurt.

I've probably been in denial about my CP for ... going on 7 years. There's a part of me that's deliriously ecstatic about the fact we have a real relationship now, and are a very active, daily part of each other's lives. That's the incredible part to me, and I gave it up as a total impossibility about 2 years ago.

As the karmic script would have it, we didn't MEET, face-to-face until after I was engaged. And even THEN, as much as I was itching in my seat to, I couldn't risk the chance of the wax falling and him flying off and far away, sticking me with the daunting task of finding my way back to him - if I ever could. So. He (obviously) knew who he was, I knew who he was, he suspected I knew who he was, but we couldn't dare acknowledge that we knew. He couldn't be my best friend and former writing partner, and the one I'd fallen so bloody hard for, and given up on ever truly KNOWING, here, honestly. Oh, no, no. Unacceptable.

So, he wasn't. He was an acquaintance of mine, who I'd met through him - wonder of wonders, mystery of mysteries, having been born the same day in the same hospital, with similar quirks, and an explanation that my best friend was never a very active part of his life because he was 'obviously not playing with a full deck, and well-meaning, but clearly a weirdo'. (That wouldn't be the last of his first-person-third admonishments of himself, either.)

As he was in for the weekend to do a local show, he came by, and since my now-husband and I had houseguests that week, it was a very active engagement. Mercifully so, as it never allowed us that moment to deal with the elephant in the room, taking up most of the space. Oddly enough, he asked me to coffee the following day. And, then the other shoe. Had another show get booked by his manager at the last minute, and texted me ... I think it was 1AM. The following day. On the road. Saying to text him anytime. To keep in touch.

He tried. But in the end, we both knew - and he even said it: who was he kidding? No way I could build a relationship with this man I was supposed to barely know, with no slip-ups. And the fact that he'd JUST lied TO MY FACE for the past ... four hours ... and disappearing before he could do it again .... It was a pattern I knew well with his alter-ego; when his character would find a convenient-enough exit - and quickly - when my character begun to seriously home in on the truth, demanding answers, because the depth of the lies were hurting too great.

I did the only logical thing I felt I could do. Just as our failure to meet 2 years prior (and mutual inability to REALLY say how MUCH and deeply it hurt) led me to begin exclusively dating my now-husband, I started taking an engagement (which had mostly been in-name, and for the purpose of building a stronger rapport with my now-stepdaughter) very seriously. That night, in fact, I started perusing rings. (He'd proposed the prior December; it was March.)

I decided that I needed to get my head back in the game and out of the clouds. I castigated and criticised myself for being oh-such a fool; how it was obviously so much more meaningful to me than it had ever been to him - despite his protestations to the contrary, and a few magical months leading up to our planned meeting - which now not only seemed like a lifetime ago, but quite literally in some other dimensional space.

He didn't exist, frankly. This man I probably loved more than anyone in a particular way which sent my whole being into some kind of glorious freefall that I DIDN'T fear - was some mask or guise of a man who I now know made me FEEL just as equally beside myself, which had been completely discarded. And I cared not to chase after impossible dreams, and so the whole thing became a distant memory. He'd still come on. I'd say nothing. Then it became more and more infrequent, until years had passed, and it was still my turn to contribute to the scene we were writing.

I didn't believe in the notion my husband espouses, that we choose with whom we fall in love. That love is a choice - especially the kind that makes you giddy and elevates you to some other frequency of being. Ironically, though, in my denial, my taking every single solitary desire or emotion I had and transmuting them into what was befitting of the person I was becoming, to THIS man, who makes me feel like home, and his daughter, who feels like my own somehow.

I didn't really recognise myself anymore. My beliefs, my goals and aspirations. Who I was becoming. But I fit perfectly into that matrix - the one I'd chosen, and I gave my all to it, and everything I used to be, that I'd been in the process of being or becoming for three decades, was shed and discarded, and the dream of any of it fading from my existence and dropping off the radar.

Then, right when I felt like I had everything sussed out, I had a total nervous breakdown and came apart in ways I didn't previously think possible.

-A.

------------------
Stargazing in Hollyweird,

-AMP

--
Everything you know is wrong.

posted May 15, 2012 01:19 AM            

I think I can answer you now. To be honest, due to various experiences over my twenties, I jokingly started being referred to by my closest friends as Jedi, because I could switch off my emotions like -snap-. A trait I've apparently inherited from my mother (who's really more Bene Gesserit, but I'll drop the sci-fi references now). Pluto-Moon = Scorpio Moon / Sun-Pluto; it all evens out. It saved me from absolutely going off the deep end, I fully believe, several times. So, by the time I'm nearing thirty, it's quite developed, and there when I need it. 100%, Grade A, fully pasteurised denial.

The soulmate I THOUGHT was supposed to be my future husband was born into a family that wanted to kill me. Literally. His mother's a paranoid-schizophrenic, and when she tried to (forgive my sarcastic, bitter tone - I've never wished the woman harm - ever) off herself, so that she could regain control of her son, her husband, the ex-special ops officer began constructing a rifle. He would then take that rifle, and, if my boyfriend did not sever all ties to me, would take me out as I was leaving a class, oh-so-ironically called 'Ghostly Meanings in Literature'. (An elective). He called me, wouldn't explain, just said that he'd never meant to hurt me, and that he could not have any further contact with me. Got my voicemail. I got it around 10PM that night. Tax Day. I called him right back. He didn't answer. He wouldn't answer for almost two years. Valentine's Day. (We spoke for about two weeks online as total strangers on accounts neither would recognise. But, oh, we knew. Just wouldn't say. It would become an odd dress rehearsal for much, much later.)

That which does not kill us.

And so begun the bizarre parade of soulmates, leading to the identification of a few individual soul-groups of which I'm part, from karma amassed over several lifetimes. It was always the same, too. Meet. OMFG. Considerably long friendship. 'What are we?' Smitten. Unexplainable reason as to why relationship cannot continue + Outside Forces. End. Heartbroken. Rinse, repeat.

I had mostly groomsmaids at my wedding. 3 of the 4 were my exes. One will always stand out amongst the crowd - ridiculously old soul, unfathomably wise beyond his years. Felt like my twin, (because I was COMPLETELY unwilling, under ANY circumstances to EVER admit who REALLY was my twin - too damned painful) and proved the catalyst to help me change my life and get back to ME. So, as we loved each other were dearly, he stayed a cherished creative partner and co-star, and I'll always admire his ability to look ahead and see that we would just continue the pattern, and we should just enjoy the fact that we've had the chance to revel in some reward karma, and not overcomplicate our lives by missing the boat when it came to those with whom we still had outstanding karma to sort through. He was also ... 19. Yes. 19. But you can see why age was clearly a number to me there.

Of course, he was right. I still had major, arguably life-long karma to sort through with my husband, and ... of course ... muttergrumblepunch ... my twin. And, little did I know, both of them were going to come back into my life, rather close together, giving me the chance to do just that.

The confusing part (as if it isn't ALL in some way) is how my husband is from the soul-group I met during my twenties. One very specific set of karma ... that's not relevant anymore. Because my twin is from another soul-group - the one which became identified in my latter twenties, and has taken the spotlight (so far) in my thirties.

So, the whole thing kind of drives me crazy. While my husband isn't possessive, and we've always been in an open relationship (we tried to have a ... erm, 'closed' ? marriage last fall, and ... that's when the bulk of me fell apart) we're also living very separate lives, and come together under one roof, our home base, and try to keep telling ourselves that this is worth it. For her, and for us. Our jobs are solitary (he's a poker player, I'm a writer) and often see us doing our own thing for several hour stretches. Our sexual relationship ended dramatically and with traumatic pangs nearly two years ago when I suddenly started having flashbacks that he was REALLY hurting me, and his mere touch made me hyperventilate.

Of course, NOW, once we're MARRIED, is when I have to come to terms with the fact that HE's the one that betrayed me so horribly in the past, and destroyed me in every way a person can be destroyed. OF COURSE.

What the hell do you do with that? We're home together. We have a home together. To NOT have a home with HIM is unthinkable to me. Our families are ALL so in-sync, and I have so much of what I've always wanted. So long as he didn't try and touch me, and I pretended like the loss of that relationship didn't matter, and, heaven forbid, nothing made me think of HIM.

Yep. It's a recipe for disaster. (Is it any wonder I'm a writer?)

-A.

posted May 15, 2012 01:49 AM            

My husband, stepdaughter, and I are travelling by car from DFW to LA, and making a stop in Phoenix so that we can have dinner. (Fastest running two hours of my life.) I uncharacteristically didn't wait for everything to spontaneously naturally unfold, and wanted a damned photo, damn it. It was a monumental, momentous event! I still think I managed it smoothly enough.

As we ate at an Indian restaurant, and it was late, we went back inside to snap the photo. And my husband, because he's JUST that kinda guy, positioned us directly beneath what I swear was a larger lithograph of something from the Kama Sutra. Not kidding. And, of course, he thought this was HILARIOUS. So did my CP. !@#$%s . Both of them. This is one of the weird upside-downsides of not having any secrets from your spouse. Not that he wasn't already (as he'd later said 'astonishingly aware' of the tension between us, just from his side of things alone) and completely clued into the whole situation, he just HAD to make us both horrifically uneasy by sticking us where he did. And done with zero malice, either. (Saggy Moons don't really do malice without help from some nastier configurations.) So, he knew what he was doing. And while he's deeply and truly sympathetic - he can't help but act like a twelve-year-old sometimes.

My husband then had a very easy job. Take the picture. But he couldn't quite seem to complete it, due to a number of reasons which are all very legitimate. But, as usual, my CP and I took matters into our own hands, and started having a very quick, in parts, surreptitious, dialogue which, verbatim, went like this.

'Oh, God.'
'What?'
'I'm ... hang on, I've got to - let's switch.'
'Why? What's wrong?'
'I'm totally nipping out - God, this is embarrassing, I can't -'
'Do I dare ask why?'
' ... Because it's cold?'
'It's 76 in here.'
'Yeah, and that's your phone.'
'That IS my phone.'
'You left your phone on the table.'
'It's a little cold.'
'I'm glad you agree.'
'When is your mantoy going to take the picture?'
'Mantoy? I got an upgrade.'
'Boytoys don't marry you.'
'Boytoys. Like plural?'
'There's still time.'

Then he called out to my husband: 'It's a little cold in here, how're we coming on the kinky photo op?'

'Oh, my God. It's not kinky.'
'It's practically the Kama Sutra!'

Then my husband said: 'It's not cold in here. It's like 76.'

Crickets.

And then, 'Oh, now I got it.'

We both sighed in relief, and contorted in the most (now, obviously) comical way possible AWAY from each other. It's a little obvious, and sort of embarrassing, and we've decided the photo only exists for those who care to view it. Otherwise, it doesn't.

Which is fine, since we'll be getting more than our share of photos done for the series promo shoots this summer.

Anyway. I had to share that. I STILL laugh at it. We talked about it last night, actually. First time since it happened (early January). He attested: 'Yeah, I realised later, that was my wallet.' As he uses that lying-through-his-teeth timbre of voice.

... Sure it was.

But it being at a slightly higher octave also clued me into the unasked question of whether or not we really can talk about this yet - as it's bound to reopen the can of worms so nicely ... sealed back, though not bolted down. We keep waiting for when we start shooting ... and the day draws nearer. But until he actually forms the words - neither in the form of innuendo, entendre, or otherwise - I'm going to be equally cagey.

Which is why I responded: 'I get cold easily.'

... No, I don't.

Did I mention our composite is almost entirely in Scorpio?

posted May 15, 2012 04:13 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by IndigoDirae:

I'm actually happy to go into that, but I don't want to bore everyone to tears.

---

posted May 15, 2012 05:24 AM            

"because I could switch off my emotions like -snap-. ... all evens out. It saved me from absolutely going off the deep end, I fully believe, several times."
Same here.

Though over time I realized that the emotions are still there and have to be processed later on. Switching them off doesn`t make them disappear, just neutralizing them so far, that I can function in the current situation.

Moon in Aquarius with dispositor in Scorpio; Moon parallel/contraparallel Uranus AND Pluto.
The tightest midpoint in my chart is:
Moon=Mercury/Pluto
followed by
Moon=Sun/Pluto.
lol

Oh and a Scorpio-Mother and Aquarius-Father definitely helped with developing that.

"The soulmate I THOUGHT was supposed to be my future husband was born into a family that wanted to kill me. Literally."
Jeez, that is so horrible

I found it interesting that you mentioned that you THOUGHT he was supposed to be your future husband and sort of started your journey.

Cause a lifetime ago or so (I guess it was more like 22 years. lol) I as well was suddenly struck with a lightening upon seeing just the photo of someone and as crazy and impossible that seems, I DID think he was my soulmate back then (and probably he was from my closer soulgroup), it was through him that I was being brought to the edge of the emotionally bearable (even though it all was just in my mind, it didn`t seem to matter for the reality or intensity of experience) and I only half joke when I said that at that turning point, this night I remember I "died". It sure felt lik
e I did, and I would have physically died back then I thought, had I not consciously chosen life, no matter what...
I guess I was having some kind of nervous breakdown, though it never has been diagnosed.

But anyway it was through the awareness about that guy that my spiritual path really started (my Moon is on his SN, his Neptune is on the exact antiscion of my Moon; his Moon squares my Moon, and during that time Tr Pluto was squaring my MOon on his SN, widely conjnct his Neptune and name i his chart and opposite his Moon and my name in my chart - it was perfect timing so to speak).

And like in your case a "parade" of members of my soulgroup or people I have karma with began (or I had grown consciously aware of them).
Often it was not even physical presence was aquired; and the past life recalls started to come (unbidden, I didn`t even really want them. lol).

He was not my Twinsoul, of course not, not my soulmate, and I certainly am not meant to marry him, but he was the beginning of everything. Like a starting signal.

"COMPLETELY unwilling, under ANY circumstances to EVER admit who REALLY was my twin - too damned painful"
That sounds TOTALLY like me. Absolutely.

". Our sexual relationship ended dramatically and with traumatic pangs nearly two years ago when I suddenly started having flashbacks that he was REALLY hurting me, and his mere touch made me hyperventilate. "
It sounds like very harsh karma there.
Also from what you are describing your marriage seems more like a partnership of friends or even siblings, or do I get that wrong?

"Yep. It's a recipe for disaster. (Is it any wonder I'm a writer?)"
No. Writing was the only thing that kept ME sane and ensured my emotional survival in that "long dark night of the soul".
I always found it interesting, later on, when I moved from poetry to stories, where these scenes came from, why I could talk to my figures like they were alive, how it was more like I was watching a play unfold and just pinning it down, instead of actively creating something.
And of course I also wondered why my stories would often feature vampires (long before anyone even know of the Twilight series, which personally I find to be bad writing style, except for the 2nd book, where she describes the stages of the loss of love.).

Well, vampires have always been a big motif for me, I gues, starting with my dreams. Though after I realized what their personal meaning as a symbol was for me, these dreams stopped once and for all.
But maybe it is just simply that asteroid TRANSYLVANIA is conjunct my Pluto and MC, squares my Venus and sextiles my ASC. lol
And the great Roman poet OVIDIUS is conjunct that Mc-Pluto-Transylvania in Libra and 10th house as well.

Sorry for the disgression.