posted November 23, 2019 11:57 PM            

The one person, and only person that I have, is my grandma. The closest person to me. And yet still I don't tell her everything. I love my grandma. I really do. When I was younger she was the one that took care of me and raised me. She sacrificed a lot for me. And I care and love her, when I was younger I wanted to be just like her. She was like my role model. My mom never cared for me like a mom, and quite frankly I feel uncomfortable being around her, for she has always been judgmental and harsh towards me. Naturally I felt more comfortable around my grandma. Ive called her mom since I was probably 5. Ever since I was little I have been terribly introverted. So much to the point I felt like I was the most closed off person I knew, simply because I was so shy. I keep a lot to myself. Even things I felt and thought, because I was too shy to express myself. That lead to so many misunderstandings of my personality to people. The person I showed the most of myself to was my grandma. I have always been more expressive and talkative with her than other people.

But the older I get the more I feel like I can't share with her. Although I love my grandma and know she cares for me, I feel like she really doesn't get me. And the more personality crashes I have with her. We are so different. We see things very differently, and when I express how I feel or feel emotional around her she thinks Im only tired or Im PMSing or that I am missing dosages of my anti depressants.
What I feel is complicated, and any attempt I make to express myself or open up I feel regret. Even to others. I recoginize that I probably think different from others, and it's not everyone else, but me who has the issues. But I can't help but feel bitter and upset at people, who I feel can be so mean. But it is me, not everyone else yet I still can't help the way I feel.

Nowadays Im realizing that the only person I had to talk to, just makes me feel worse when I talk to her. If I express how Im feeling somehow it turns into a fight. Because I get frustrated because my grandma isn't understanding me or just says something that makes me feel worse, and I end up feeling worse. We fight then I feel worse for fighting with her. And it goes in a circle. I feel like my grandma is so stubborn. I can try to explain something, literally crying from frustration form trying to explain myself, and she will still not listen. It feels like Im talking to a brick wall.

So I've concluded finally, I won't put myself through that any longer. It's pointless. I have to learn, that at the end of the day Im better off keeping things to myself. I'd rather not fight. But I realize it's not healthy for me to hold everything in. No matter how introverted I may be, and how natural it is I keep to myself, it can't always be healthy.
Lately Ive been keeping things in from my grandma, even things she says that bothers me, because I don't feel like fighting with her. But I feel it bothers me. I don't know what to do. If I do tell her how I feel she will somehow make me feel like the bad person. So here I am my attempt to maybe let things out. I have a lot more I want to say. I don't expect anyone to understand where Im coming from. I am difficult to understand, I know. So I won't hold anyone accountable for not understanding. Even though sometimes I want to. I must realize that it can't be everyone else but myself.
I already feel awful about myself in many ways I don't want the extra drama and conflict. So I thought maybe writing my feelings out may help a little, since I can't really express them any other way.
Not to mention when I do express myself, I am the absolute worst at vocalizing my feelings. It's like I fumble with my words. I can express myself perfectly in my head, or on paper, but vocalizing myself to others is so bad.

posted December 14, 2019 08:07 PM            

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Originally posted by Ayelet:
Hi SoulOfABird, yes, I understand. You can't share personal stuff with your grandma anymore, it hurts, but maybe that's just how it is. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you, or love you less. Sometimes we grow, we change. I wish you'd find someone else with whom to share your inner world. It's no one's fault, really. She is she, you are you, and this is what happens for you two right now. However big the current misunderstanding, it does not lessen from the great love you will always share, and from your loving memories together. Maybe it's time to find new connections.
It can get lonely in life. It's so strange, so many people on the planet, yet so much loneliness... Everyone is a world, revolving around itself. I feel alone sometimes. Sometimes the loneliness is greater among other people than when you're by yourself. If you want to rant here, I'd be reading and relating as much as I can.

It's not an easy world. Your grandma loves you. Maybe it's hard for her to know it's hard for you, so she's blaming you as a way of coping with this. Sometimes the people who were responsible for us while growing up feel guilty when we, as adults, suffer. They may feel helpless in face of certain sufferings, guilty when it's emotional suffering. Maybe your grandma blames you because it's easier for her than to blame herself. Of course it's not her fault, but it could be hard to explain this to her. So perhaps you do need to avoid sharing these emotions with her, at least for the time being.

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posted December 15, 2019 04:16 PM            

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Originally posted by Randall:
Hope you feel happier soon.

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posted January 21, 2021 07:12 PM            

I like your name, I like birds very much, sometimes dreamt about them and that I could fly...🕊️

What you are writing about, gives me the idea that it might be something that I could help you with, in case the underlying problem is one of the possibilities which came to my mind (my English is not great), I do have a bit of knowledge in that area.
In case you like, could you tell me, what exactly you mean when you say you 'think different', and could write down one or two specific conversations with your grandmother and at least one other person.
Doesn't have to be long, but in as much details as you remember.
Every sentence, if possible, with tone of the voice, face expression, all what is relevant.
But try be be objective and use the exact words, if you remember.

Your approximate age and/or position of planets and houses could be helpful (I can see some things in a helpful way, but not on a professional level)

All together it could be worth the time.
Otherwise I would always recommend a friendly therapist to anybody who is so depressed and lonely.
Like so many of us, I was not at all always a happy person in all phases of my life when I was young, but because of a lot of self experience, and also some help from people, I really found myself and my overall inner happiness.
So maybe you can, too !
You are certainly worth it, everybody is.

Your words made me feel a lot of compassion, I hope you will find some nice people who can help you, where ever you are.
I will pray for you, maybe others here could too, it can help, if it's God's will. 🕊️

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As for me, all I know is I know nothing.

In every person there is a sun, just let them shine. 🌄