posted February 22, 2014 08:58 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ceridwen:
Can you hear him talking in your mind, too?
I mean like really physically hear?

So far this has been most intense (but with regularity) after I have seen him somewhere, the night following, I am in that strange weird state. Not really sleeping, not really awake, though a lot of tossing and turning tends to happen, because the energy is just so strong.

And usually I will hear his voice in my head, shreds of words, fragments, sometimes just distant murmuring, like overhearing, or hearing through his ears. and he will just not shut up and let me go to sleep. LOL

---

Ummm, not sure about that one. Can't say if it's him really trying to reach me or me just daydreaming about him talking to me. The other thing I have also noticed ( I would be interested if others have noticed it). Is the ringing in m ears. Both left and right. It's not constant but I've heard this happens when they are thinking of you. Here was a period of time, the ringing was so constant I thought I was going to have to see a doctor and get my ears checked.

posted February 22, 2014 09:08 AM              

quote:

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Originally posted by Gabby:
I appreciate what you say...but I hope we can agree to disagree!? This particular theory leaves me feeling flat and disconnected, not uplifted....i have to go with my intuition! Hope you understand, not meaning to be disagreeable!
But your experiences and thoughts regarding them I find very uplifting!! thank you for sharing them!!

---

Gabby,

I totally agree with you here.

I have read all possible theories on that, from tf never incarnating together to them incarnating quite often together.

This not-incarnating-together-until-last-lifetime is in absolute dissonance with what I feel inside.

However, I also start blieving like you proposed thta it might be different for different soulgroups or even pairings.

For example my friend sais she has never had a past life with her twin (at least as far as she remembers) and I have no reason to disbelieve her.

as for the astrology KARMA asteroid does not necessarily only mean past lives, but it is just cause-and-effect and translating it means "work", so it could very well be a job two people have to do, so to speak.

In the case of my friend nad her twin they have no direct overlays to the 12th house synastrically, thogh her Psyche is conjunct his 12th house cusp. But then again the 12th house means more than just past lives.

I still think the SN might be the most telling positions to describe past life stuff.

They do not share even a SINGLE ONE conjunction to each other`s SN.

The only aspect they share to their nodes is his Neptune square her nodal axis,

The only placement they have in 12th house inc omposite is Chiron on 29 Aquarius. Since that is the "sacrifice degree" I suppose that IF they had a past life, she might not remember it due to the immense pain they had to endure.

There is no conjunction to their SN in composite either, which falls into the 12th house btw. 12 Pisces.

However, their NN in composite has a conjunction to JUno trine Sun.

Interestingly she has a Valentine-NN-conjunction natally, so that is part of her present parcel.

But as I said it might be different. I definitely resonate with something different.

Also, I find the the term splitting of twinsouls to be misleading, as it implies that you are only half of something.

No.
Everyone is complete, whole. Still there is another soul that matches your frequency so much.

Also often I think there is a misconception or mistaking, mixing up of "soul" and "Personality", which might be based on our limited language and limited capacity to express it with words.

We, as individuals, breathing, living, loving humans on earth, are actually personalities, and as such we are complete, whole in ourselves.

We also are participating in soul, or even soulgroup, or oversoul. Yes, we are this soul, but in our human experience this soul is filtered through our personality.
damn, I can`t really explain it well, I fear.

Ah yes I know. Star Trek Deep Space 9. Someone seen it?
When Odo goes back to his origins, which is actually looking like soup.

There is this soul-soup. And we are part of it, so in this way the soul(soup) is us.
Yet we are just one drop of soul-soup, that if temporarily taking solid form gets an own personality and body and mind and whatever. Still every drop of the ocean (soulsoup) carries the whole within.

And yet it is a perfectly uniquely shaped drop.

posted February 22, 2014 09:13 AM              

"m curious though, does he tend to make you sleepy as well? "
Yes. Definitely.

Remember that concert, a room full of people, and I was feeling like I had been drugged, but perfectly at easy, sleepy, drowsy, in a semi-trance. It was a bit weird.

posted February 22, 2014 09:45 AM              

quote:

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Originally posted by Lavender CrystalSwan:

It just feels so liberating doesn't it, to surrender, accept and embrace your feelings... 😊

---

Yes, it also lost this compulsive feel.

It is just. Alright. Whatever it is.

And I am actually curious and intrigued to see how it might develop (even if it means that he wil disappear from my life agian, though I do not hope so. I like him touching my life now and then. I have never felt happier and more energized).

posted February 22, 2014 10:25 AM              

quote:

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Originally posted by IndigoDirae:
👍
In regards to so much of this, it's been rather hodgepodge, and, strangely originating from that which came to me that September 2005.

---

Curiously, it was in january 2005 that Jude came to my attention, because I was being forced watching "Closer". lol

Same year I developed that weird fascination for the musical "Aida" though it had nothing to do with Jude.

Went through an emotionally nightmarish summer in 2005, for what reason ever. Up and down. Manic-depressive almost.

September marked my first "surrendering" (though Mr Sag was not yet in thepicture, or maye he was I just did not know yet).

Dreams. So many dreams. But I hae always been dreaming an awful lot.

And then with the beginning of 2006, the homesickness, the pulling on my heartstrings getting so so so so so so strong, I could not ignore anymore. Out of nothing the pull got so intense, tears would shoot into my eyes, literally. I missed. I craved. I longed.
I misssed.

Whom?
I did not know.

Maybe a part of myself. I think that might not be so far off the truth.

Was reading "tulip fever" that autumn / winter. Such a bittersweet read. Now when I think of it. Lancelot and Guinevere come to mind.

And spent a lot of time meditating, intense things happening in meditations, and I remember coming out of meditation, in my old flat, the sunlight streaming into the room, and the whole room being illuminated in golden light and warmth (in late autumn, it was not even warm here. lol), and I sensed. Something. Someone.

A presence. A mystery guy. Sensed him so vividly. His energy. What I most sensed about him was his smile. He WAS his smile. I can`t explain it.
I did not quite see him, though I knew him, I could not put my finger on his identiy, could not identify him. And he wouldn`t tell me his name. Well two names floating around in my mind all at once. ONe being Thomas (no clue why). The other being Patrick. Patrick being a vague memory from autumn 2003.

I was at the ocean. I was witnessing the darkness break ove the ocean, the sun setting, darkness surrounding me. The most beautiful colours, swirling, and darker and darker. The black sea all at once, and the tension rising. Inside of me. I held still. I just stood there, calming myself that I was a rational being, the days of fantasy were put far behind me, but I sensed something, and like a stirring of sound, and the electrical frequency, getting so so so so so intense. I tried to keep my ground I tried to rationalize it away, looking out onto the sea. Nothing in there to pull me into it, to pull me down. Nothing in there. No...
I saw him. A shadow. Fleeting. Flowing. Floating. gliding over the waves.
Nothing to be seen, no. NO. But there he was. saw a fleeting movement, out of the corner of my eyes, but though I couldnīt quite LOOK at him, my senses suddenly felt like electrocuted, every fibre of my being on edge.
No I cold not keep my ground anylonger, I turned around and fled. I literally ran away, far away from the beach and did not slow down until I reached my hotel. Like being haunted, chased.

There I sat in my room under the earth (what an irony!) waiting for my druming heartbeat to slow down my breath to normalize again, still sensing, sensing something someone in the ether.

And knowing how crazy that was, my mouth formed the words: "Who are you?"

Like an echo through the ether, through my mind, a sound of a name. Patrick. Patrick. Patrick.

I was bloody SCARED. This was not normal. This was crazy. Was I losing my mind? And if not, was this dangerous?

Eventually the electricity subsided, as did my fear and the sense of this.
What was left was the writing of the story. "My Secret love".
I wrote it and I shuddered reading what I had been writing. composing different elements, some true, some fiction. But the feelings underneath, true.

But I was so scared after this. So scared. I could not understand. I could not even admit it happened for a long time (hence I wrote a story about it. lol)

he was doing his first big big musical in that year, not far from where I was on holiday. "Titanic". Of all musicals. LOL

Though if I got a sense a spiritual sniff of him?
I am not sure. What I sensed was darker, deeper, than I pegged him to be.
But the eyes. Those set of eyes.

But those years later, this sense of a Mystery guy. Different. That smile I sensed. It fulfilled every cell of what I was.
Never told me his name. I only sensed tall, blonde, the sparkliest silvery blue-grey eyes I was even able to imagine.

I was then pleading for understanding, for seeing who he was, not just in terms of his name, but who he was to me. Why he was there. What did he want from me. What did I want from him.

All I heard/ sensed was: "You just have to open up your eyes to see."

But my eyes are open.

No they`re not. And they won`t be for quite some time. But one day they will.

Several visitations like this.

The the dream of Druids times.

ANd then just weeks after, Mr Sag crossed my path, saw him for the first time.
All that happening in only may and beginning of june 2005. NOt even within six weeks.

No I did not understand.
But I noticed the visitations of that Mystery guy stopped.

And I was undertaking the first steps onto a journey back to my self.
He did not play a role - consciously- in that journey at that time, except for maybe triggering it somehow. Though I did not know. My eyes were very closed.

Too startled that first look into his face, when he suddenly raced up the stairs and stood in front of me, with these sparkling silvery eyes, and this shocked thought racing through my mind, the first thing I thought when seeing him: "Oh my God, this can`t be. Him. Not him. Not now. Please, no. I am so not ready for this. I donīt want to know. I just don`t want to know."

I was shellshocked, startled and literally retreated into my shell, trying to hide away, literally actually, behind my friend`s backs, but that was really because he threatened to shove a microphone into my face. LOL

I nearly stumbled, so great was the impact, but I brushed it off afterwards. It wasn`t the time.

Now is.

posted February 22, 2014 11:44 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by tgem:
I have definitely felt the charkra activivation. The whole pulling on your heart strings when they come into your mind? Oh yes. Also, the last time we met face to face the butterflies in my stomach and energy was so intense I thought I was having an anxiety attack and going to hyperventilate. Also my experience with clairaudience that has been activated since I met him, I believe is due to the opening of a chakra (can't remember at the moment which one it is.)

---

posted February 22, 2014 01:08 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by tgem:
Ummm, not sure about that one. Can't say if it's him really trying to reach me or me just daydreaming about him talking to me. The other thing I have also noticed ( I would be interested if others have noticed it). Is the ringing in m ears. Both left and right. It's not constant but I've heard this happens when they are thinking of you. Here was a period of time, the ringing was so constant I thought I was going to have to see a doctor and get my ears checked.

My clairaudience has been with other spiritual beings, not him I would say...

---

I guess I'd have to check into that, but tinnitus is something I live with regularly during the cold season. I know how to stop it by popping my ears with a certain interval - unless it's THAT kind, which is going to fade, return, stay low level for hours, then fade.

Interestingly enough, it's almost always at an F6, which is linked to the pyramids. Part of a major chord favoured by the pharaohs. I'll typically sing an F6, lightly, which will have some effect on the tone, breaking the intensity.

So, perhaps for those who don't suffer regular tinnitus from cochlear pressure would attribute a spiritual meaning to its cause. I however can't. It's too rationally explained.

Perhaps I'll pay closer attention to those times that I don't have the pressure or sinus issues that cause it, and it occurs. You may have a case there.

Oh, boy. Clairaudience.

I take issue with the whole business of it.

Have I heard things? Yes. Do I hear him calling my name at random points in my head? Yes. Has it been proven that my mother's done the same throughout my life? Yes. Proven. Verified, many witnesses, and so on.

Do I know it can happen? Yes.

But Fate and I are both on the schizophrenic spectrum.

Something you may not know, and has been extremely useful information to me, is how one who's on the spectrum can learn how to never develop the positive symptoms of schizophrenia (being hallucinations, namely) and can minimise the impact of the negative ones (such as flattened affect, lacking empathy, being intensely introverted, jumbled thoughts and eccentric cognition).

The best way is to be very cautious regarding exposure to 'weird stuff'. Maybe that's why I became a sceptic at such a young age?

Like me, he's schizotypal. We shouldn't develop any sort of psychosis, but he already has an interesting, colourful, shall we say, relationship with reality.

A few past butt-dialling instances had me thinking he had someone else in the car, but I couldn't hear them. (The song that played on the radio in the background was also the one that popped into my head an hour before. He started singing to it, too.)

But it turned out, there was no one in the car. He was simply talking to himself. Kind of.

Anyone who's watched Dexter gets the concept.

The way he describes it as, he knows no one is there, but it helps him to have conversations with these people from either his life or fiction, at certain times. Ranging from others' creations - to his own. He'll discuss, argue, or contemplate just as if they were actually there.

And from the way he sounded, it DID seem like I simply couldn't hear the other person.

I do something similar, but purely in my head. My husband will mouth conversations to himself, imagining the person. Running through scenarios. He gets what Fate does, and assures me, 'it's very common.'

Except it isn't. Perhaps if you're on the spectrum. My husband's Aspie, actually. There are similarities, with an entirely different mechanism.

So, when it comes to anything that might be a little too close to positive schizophrenia, I pull back. I feel I should. For my own literal sanity. This is why I measure my reality so closely, and seek proof. I NEED that proof.

I'll have conversations on occasion in my head per creative visualisation. The day following Valentine's in which I felt so lost and overwhelmed, seeking guidance, it was as if my inner voice had taken on his actual voice.

I recall:

'I know I'm not actually talking to you.'
'But how can you know anything?'
'Stop that. You're me, or maybe - MAYBE 'her' - maybe the mode I use when I'm 'going Indigo'. MAYBE.'
'But now it's in my voice. Okay, his voice. Do you think that's coincidental? Meaningless?'
'I don't know what to think.'
'Good answer.'

Did it sound like the way that conversation would happen? Absolutely. But there's a danger in that.

When I write for my actors, they're flabbergasted how much it sounds exactly like them. I get their phrasing, timbre, elocution, diction, idiolect - all of it. They're always floored. 'That's just like me!'

The fact it's just like Fate is rather expected then, no? Besides, I can hear anyone in my head sing or say anything. ANYTHING.

Thom Yorke's cover of 'Nobody Does It Better', for example. Had that in my head some time in college. On a whim, mentioned it to him, since we were in correspondence to license use of Radiohead songs. He did it at a concert a year later, and it was bang on how it sounded in my head. LOVE that.

Anyway. Clairaudience. Tricky stuff there. I'm always demanding proof.

Hm.

Two artists I know, who I believe to be Twinflames, one Clarence, the other Clare. His professional DBA Clarevoyance (photographer). Hers should be Clareaudience. She's a model, dancer, cosmetics and body mechanics kinda girl.

She's rather lost right now. They both are. But she came to me over a year ago in a very potent dream, before he and I met, and I knew their connexion. I knew she had things to do but was waiting for him. Ultimately.

He and I would share our experiences back and forth in regards to what was going on with Fate and I, and he and Clare.

But I loved that. Clarence L. Clare L.

Not kidding. Both L. Both 'Clare'. Super tight condensed composite in Cap. Resembling mine and Fate's.

posted February 22, 2014 01:45 PM              

quote:

---

Originally posted by tgem:
The biggest problem I have is the waiting....

---

Don`t wait.

Waiting means stagnation. Believe me I wasted a lot of time waiting in my life (not for him though).

Live your life, to the fullest. Take what nourishes you from the experience but do not expect, do not wait. At least for me I feel liek that is counter-effective, and not good for me.

I am not waiting for him. I am developing and growing and following my path, and curiously he seems to cross it once in a while (usually every few weeks. lol)

I have detachd from the notion this has to lead into aromantic relationship. Maybe it will - someday. Maybe it won`t.

This is not what it is about though. Not for me at least.

My happiness, my fulfilled life is not dependent on him. I am whole on my own.

Though having said that I am also filled with tremendous love through his existence alone. Love that spreads to other areas of my life as well. So I am not talking sexual or romantic love here.

Of course going beyond (or beneath) that, Is uppose I DO Have a HUGE major crush on him as well.

But I donīt wait. No. NOt anymore.

I mean seriously, if we are meant to connect at a certain point of our lifepaths, how would we able to do that, if I stood still and waited at this point I am at right now and refusing to flow and move along the path, where I eventually will cross the point we agreed on before this life to connect in a closer sense?
It would not happen. And It would not hapen because I stood still and hemmed the development, waiting for him, when our meeting point was never in the past, but always in the present future.

Of course there is a possibility that a closer connection was never in the cards - wel if that is what it is, then I am grateful for what was and move on as well. To my destination.

Though we know the path itself is destiny.

At least that is my perspective now, after i spent so many years waiting fro a dream that would not come true, because it was never meant to, I just did not understand.

posted February 22, 2014 01:49 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Lavender CrystalSwan:
Just thought I'd share something...

This is another couple whom I have been in correspondence with through facebook, whos experiences strongly resonate with mine.
They also talk about soul extentions, parallel lives, multidimensionslity, etc.

http://youtu.be/XZM3sSSOfC0

The only thing that didn't fit for me was feeling the connection only in the solar plexus.... I feel it both in the heart chakra and the solar plexus, it tends to jump from one to the other, but I mostly feel it in the heart, then it spreads out to the rest of the chakras.
But overall this video really spoke to me and got me very emotional...
Especially when he mentioned the initial familiarity bit, like you've known them for a long time, recognizing yourself in their eyes, and the metaphysical connection starting from the higher chakras and coming down—it made me giggle when he said that lol, because of how much it really fit, and then I just got really teary...
Something just clicked for me and I realized that HE (Virgo guy) really is it, he is the one, without a single doubt!
It was a very strong inner knowing I felt.

I should also mention this.
I recently had a reading done by iq.
In short, he mentioned we have a very strong soulful connection, along with some of the major clues of being TwinFlames, in our charts.
He said it was pretty much fated for us to meet and marry; that Virgo guy was meant to take care of me. I did not expect that last bit lol.

---

posted February 22, 2014 01:54 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:
Lavender,

"m curious though, does he tend to make you sleepy as well? "
Yes. Definitely.

Remember that concert, a room full of people, and I was feeling like I had been drugged, but perfectly at easy, sleepy, drowsy, in a semi-trance. It was a bit weird.

Though after I have seen him, the night after this, the electricity usually is a bit too much.

---

I don't get sleepy. At all. I become completely energised and motivated.

Now, if I'm NOT interacting with him, but 'spectating', as Ceri has expressed via seeing him perform, I can feel very relaxed. I'm not sedated. It's not a dizzying, disorienting thing (THAT only happens when something is very wrong; usually the fear I'm losing him somehow, he's pushing me away, trying to distance). It's a soothing thing, like a fresh cup of chamomile tea. I sometimes find myself smiling and closing my eyes, breathing in the moment and just enjoying it. I could certainly drift for a short period.

But when we're interacting? Total energy. It's like a jolt. A buzz. I can be absolutely euphoric during and afterward. For hours. It's like I've had a few cups of coffee and am PUMPED. He's the same way, too.

posted February 22, 2014 02:02 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:
Don`t wait.

Waiting means stagnation. Believe me I wasted a lot of time waiting in my life (not for him though).

Live your life, to the fullest. Take what nourishes you from the experience but do not expect, do not wait. At least for me I feel liek that is counter-effective, and not good for me.

I am not waiting for him. I am developing and growing and following my path, and curiously he seems to cross it once in a while (usually every few weeks. lol)

I have detachd from the notion this has to lead into aromantic relationship. Maybe it will - someday. Maybe it won`t.

This is not what it is about though. Not for me at least.

My happiness, my fulfilled life is not dependent on him. I am whole on my own.

Though having said that I am also filled with tremendous love through his existence alone. Love that spreads to other areas of my life as well. So I am not talking sexual or romantic love here.

Of course going beyond (or beneath) that, Is uppose I DO Have a HUGE major crush on him as well.

But I donīt wait. No. NOt anymore.

I mean seriously, if we are meant to connect at a certain point of our lifepaths, how would we able to do that, if I stood still and waited at this point I am at right now and refusing to flow and move along the path, where I eventually will cross the point we agreed on before this life to connect in a closer sense?
It would not happen. And It would not hapen because I stood still and hemmed the development, waiting for him, when our meeting point was never in the past, but always in the present future.

Of course there is a possibility that a closer connection was never in the cards - wel if that is what it is, then I am grateful for what was and move on as well. To my destination.

Though we know the path itself is destiny.

At least that is my perspective now, after i spent so many years waiting fro a dream that would not come true, because it was never meant to, I just did not understand.

But then again maybe even waiting is part of the path for some of us. Who am I to tell?

---

posted February 22, 2014 02:28 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:
Yes, it also lost this compulsive feel.

It is just. Alright. Whatever it is.

And I am actually curious and intrigued to see how it might develop (even if it means that he wil disappear from my life agian, though I do not hope so. I like him touching my life now and then. I have never felt happier and more energized).

---

Energised! Yes. THAT's what I feel. Unless it's from a distance. A passive interaction.

I'm thinking that may change for you, Lavender. It'll be interesting to see how the dynamics change once you're interacting.

Oh. As to the more unusual experiences ...

Lemme say this.

When I was younger, I can't say how much, though; just that I was in my parents house, and it was post-fire, so post-1994, I'd be anywhere from 14 to 18, or maybe 20-25, or 27; as those are the years I'd either be living there, or, if 19-22, on weekends, during holidays, etc.

Now, I'm not a sexual person. I'm honest about that. It's something with which I have a lot of difficulty.

'But aren't you a sex therapist?'

I am. Among other things. I'm also a practising dominatrix. So, there's that.

I challenge myself. Actively. Sex scared me, so I learnt about it. Well, I was in an abusive / molestation relationship from age 7 to 12, so, part of the sexual anorexia comes from that, and my parents trying to deal with the onslaught (as it was an older cousin; VERY affluent family.)

Funny story: I realised it at 13 when flipping through Cunningham's Moon Signs with my friend who did tarot. I did astrology, she did the tarot. I proudly (?) stated that, the reason I never suffred sexual abuse like many lunar Scorps was because of the late degree of the sign, being more in Sag. That my mother, in fact, is like both descriptions of the two.

But that's when I realised - the moment I knew - I was wrong. Wild, no?

Anyhow.

I didn't punch my V-card until age 21. It was with my best friend (who basically threw all he had into my 8H, and vice versa; 😜 in a super-tight bonded, but yet casual thing for about 2 years. I decided I was old enough and knew enough and it happened very naturally. It just wasn't technically my 'first' because I'm a bit locked down there like Fort Knox. So my actual first time of THAT nature (not for lack of trying) either occurred (briefly) when my ex-fiancé assaulted me for, I guess, some good ol' fashioned hate sex for which I did not at all sign up, or the psychopath with whom I lived for 4 years (LONG story) who just didn't stop when it hurt.

But I knew the sensation long before it, because of some rather curious things happening which I STILL don't get.

Several times, during those years I'd listed, my adolescence and early twenties, then once or twice in '07, (age 27), I'd have the most intense sex dreams. Some, recall, when I was a virgin; some after. But always the same thing.

Quite different from the intimate dream I'd have preceding a new relationship. Every time. I could predict what was going to happen by those dreams, even though they were symbolic.

In these, I'd have the most wonderful lucid sexual experience. I'd FEEL everything. And have that dizzying feeling of being lucid, and vacillating between consciousness and dreamstate. Like my Delta waves are being challenged by an Alpha state trying to reemerge.

But then ... I would wake up.

I'd lie there for a few seconds, awake, but the sensation not ending. Hypnagogia. Full-on, physical, tactile experience. I'd expect it to end after the usual several seconds reported on average for such incidents.

But it wouldn't.

I remember once, (man, I feel lightheaded; that's odd; very suddenly lightheaded; huh,) that I opened my eyes and looked at my body. The space directly above me. Of COURSE, nothing was there. Even if my fiancé was sleeping beside me, he wasn't doing anything. Most of the time, I'd be completely alone.

Yeah, sometimes the dream would feel like Fate, but never actually BE him, in my recollection.

But the way it would continue ... wow.

So, I'd just ( ... I feel sedated, very sedated; I may have to end this soon and return later; this is strange) lie there, staring at the nothing on top of me, FEELING every sensation. As if it were still happening.

This would go on for minutes.

Sometimes, I'd close my eyes back and just enjoy it. I figured it was someone who's very close to me, but doesn't have physical access or means via circumstance or what have you, and this is the only way. I know. Nutty. And, yes, I'd think - wonder - about him.

So it became just 'a thing that occasionally happens'.

The lightheadedness is there, but giving way to ...

:facepalm:

... He's high.

Oh, sh ....

Thought I'd get through an entire trip with his friend from Colorado. He's leaving today. No smoking, but edibles. He'll do edibles.

Oh, hell.

I'm gonna lay down. Talk to my friend about 'lessening the empathy' as she calls it. She's a soul sister on 'the network'.

And there's tinnitus, too. Boy, it's a party over here. Okay. Mild. I popped my ears. I DO have a cold. We're good.

posted February 22, 2014 02:48 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ceridwen:
... And then with the beginning of 2006, the homesickness, the pulling on my heartstrings getting so so so so so so strong, I could not ignore anymore. Out of nothing the pull got so intense, tears would shoot into my eyes, literally. I missed. I craved. I longed.
I missed.

Whom?

I did not know.

Maybe a part of myself. I think that might not be so far off the truth ...

... And knowing how crazy that was, my mouth formed the words: "Who are you?" ...

... I was bloody SCARED. This was not normal. This was crazy. Was I losing my mind? And if not, was this dangerous? ...

... Eventually the electricity subsided, as did my fear and the sense of this. What was left was the writing of the story.

... I wrote it and I shuddered reading what I had been writing. composing different elements, some true, some fiction. But the feelings underneath, true.

But I was so scared after this. So scared. I could not understand. I could not even admit it happened for a long time (hence I wrote a story about it. lol)

... the first thing I thought when seeing him: "Oh my God, this can`t be. Him. Not him. Not now. Please, no. I am so not ready for this. I donīt want to know. I just don`t want to know."

I was shellshocked, startled and literally retreated into my shell, trying to hide away, literally actually, behind my friend`s backs, but that was really because he threatened to shove a microphone into my face. LOL

I nearly stumbled, so great was the impact, but I brushed it off afterwards. It wasn`t the time.

Now is.

---

I echo this SO much, I can't begin to articulate it. That's basically how it was for me in a nutshell. Felt crazy. Didn't get this intense obsession, which was SO uncharacteristic. Fought it. For years.

Then, suddenly, it was the right time. For the first step. It's a long process, though.

I'm a bit better now. I kept shouting, 'I'm not high!' like a crazy person. Heh. Then finally went - hell. Why not. Now I'm cosied up in bed and just riding whatever the hell this is. Doesn't feel half bad now.

I somehow know it's not me. Not a medical thing. I don't sense anything 'wrong'. It's just there.

Maybe 'proof' I was needing.

posted February 22, 2014 03:09 PM            

'There's a definite irony to the song; a sense of strange doom, despite the inclusion of 'love'. While this was clearly never intended, it's often struck me as reminiscent of a failed friendship, rather than a romance. For whatever reason (other partners, obligations, so forth) they can't have a romantic relationship, and there's too much intensity for the dynamic to remain platonic. And thus, 'love' will 'tear them apart'. Why again? Meh. Maybe this isn't the first time. They could've been battling it awhile. At first, the more intimate lyrics seemed irreconcilable for such an interpretation, until I presumed, as friends in an 'it's complicated' sort of situation tend to do, some form of sexual relationship of a casual nature emerges - and that won't do, either. The feelings run too deep, and there's really no middle road. Damned if you do - and if you don't. In the end, irony of ironies, it was love that tore them apart. Again. Any fellow fans of BSG (Battlestar Galactica) would see this sort of thing playing out pretty clearly between Kara 'Starbuck' Thrace and Lee 'Apollo' Adama. A great, close friendship torn apart by the intensity introduced by love that neither could ever seem to handle at the same time. ('Is my timing that flawed?') Alas, only my musings on one of the quirkier songs of the era.'

A few covers of it would haunt me in 2012, heh, 'the year of Fate' thus far. Though it was only an initial step.

But sometimes I felt it was love that tore us apart.

Like your situation, tgem, he knew that if we were even to attempt anything, it'd never be casual. He ran from me so violently that year because of how he couldn't deal with the intensity. Destroying me seemed his only option. I forgave him, too. That was a very important part that I needed, which resulted in a lot of growth.

But the realisation you can't be unless you're free to fulfill some sort of great potential ... it's painful. We all deal with that differently.

For us, LACHESIS is the key to remaining close without the needing to explain, or having to feel strange or awkward because we just NEED to be close. It gives us justification and an excuse - even if those in the know, KNOW.

I remember how much Lee and Kara (Apollo and Starbuck)'s volatile relationship resonated with me. How I saw SO much of us in it. One or the other always running, both finding any way they could to deal with the intense emotion.

When they both find themselves in the cobbled together fight club, because Starbuck put in her tags and challenged him, that fight is SO powerful. The same way in which Fate and I have too much between us that, with no outlet, becomes rage.

MOTHEREFFING CLIMBING UP THE WALLS!

It has played EVERY TIME I've posted that it has! WHAT. THE. ... AUGH!

I am the key to the lock in your house,
That keeps your toys in the basement.
And if you get too far inside,
You'll only see my reflection.

Do not cry out or hit the alarm,
You know we're friends 'til we die.

And either way you turn,
I'll be there.
Open up your skull,
I'll be there ...
Climbing up the walls ....

Anyway. Good God.

I was searching for this when it started playing:

http://youtu.be/LezWI_RTaH8

For those unfamiliar with the series, (which was incredible, by the way), the two standing outside the ring they cut to are the spouses of the fighters. Yeeeeeaaahh.

Where was I going with this? Oh. Right.

Sharing the comment. Then my thoughts on your situation, tgem.

I know that Fate and I are very much like those two characters in that scene. Too much intensity to be contained, so it gets ignored, or becomes rage. So we sublimate it into our work - and hope.

If you both know it can't be casual, then waiting's all you got. Just to play devil's advocate.

posted February 22, 2014 03:12 PM              

"don't get sleepy. At all. I become completely energised and motivated."
It`s both for me.

Well not sleepy at all when he is around, but so much at ease.

"It's not a dizzying, disorienting thing "
No I did not mean it like that.

"I sometimes find myself smiling and closing my eyes, breathing in the moment and just enjoying it. I could certainly drift for a short period."
Yes.

I remember this one concert this happened, and Ifell into that state, and I realized to my utmost surprise. I was. Happy.
Nothing more to wish for. Because this moment was perfect. I was where I was meant to be.
I do not have many moents like this. lol

But this was it. Deepest contentment.

"I can be absolutely euphoric during and afterward. For hours. "
Yes, even for days at times.

Though last time we spoke, it was different. Of course the energy was there, the buzz and all, but in a very very grounded almost playful, completely effortless and natural way.

That was new. lol

Usually I am feeling like a chicken wanting to run into the next car. lol

But I was feeling so confident that evening, so much "Me". In fact we had been ignoring each other in the backstage-meeting-room. Well I was VERY aware of when he arrived (last minute so to speak, I think he did not plan to be there at all, as he hadn`t the evening before as I read, and had a lot on his plate, too).

I for some reason had been talking to a mother and her daughter (who was the same age as me). Complete strangers, but I asked if I might join their table (not many table around, and I was totaly alone again). The thing is I am usually so reserved, holding back, shy, not wanting to get too much attention, just in case I might bore people or get onto their nerves.
For some reason though I must have been having some entertaining-vibes that evening,
a nice chat. Actually some of the actors and actresses joined our table, too. Cause of course I managed - typical Sagittarian - to let my jacket fall onto the ground (and a nice young actor, very handsome, black hair, blue eyes - he had been circling us anyway before as it seemed. lol, was so nice to get it from the floor for me, cause I did not even notice), and then I managed to pour some of my coins over the table, becase of course I carry them around in the pockets of my jacket, which triggered some jokes there. lol
Also been talking to some of the lead actress about the problems with the musical (an organisational nightmare!). It just flowed effortlessly for me this night, when usually I am much too selfconscious to want to attract attention or even being seen.

And he? Well, of course he avoided this table like the plague. LOL (actually the girl had been running over to himw hen he entered the room and got her autograph right away, and me? I am not doing autographs, I mean, I do`t understand why you would want an autograph or a fake photo with someone who couldnīt care less).

So no reason to come to our table I guess. Or he didn`t want to. Or he just didn`t.

Instead he chose to pass us and stand with the back leaning against the bar, barely a metre away from us (in my back, of course he was standing in my back so I could not see him) and entertaining some of his female fans, as I noticed when I turned around, and helped myself to a cocktail, placed on the bar (and stole a sideway glance on him, of course, couldnīt help it).
It was different behaviour for me already, because this movement back, as short as it might have been, I would not have done it the year before, I would have pretended he did not even exist.
But I am not going to hide anymore, not from the world, not from him.

I just had that "I am there/ here" feeling, and felt good aboutha myself and confident.

I then some minutes later saw that he was preparing to leave, but hadn`t quite left yet. He was standing outside in the foyer, having a smoke, and maybe waiting for someone, a colleague I think.

It was in this instant that I felt with clarity: "I cannot let you go without at least saying Hello. Not tonight."
Like it was clear to me, that if I did, if I backed out of this again, avoiding even just a simple Hello, this would be it. Last straw. Last chance to change something. to break my pattern.
Yes it was very much about MY wrong pattern about acting, or non-acting.

A Hello is not much. That night for me it meant the difference between clinging to old comfortable outworn silent mode and taking a step into the future, into what I am becoming.

So I did talk to him, quickly.

maybe I had to prove to myself that I could change my pattern, and that was all.

However he made it so easy, just so very easy. And I suppose that is why it felt so natural, without any kind of anxiety on my part.

posted February 22, 2014 03:24 PM            

I had so many times where a thought of him would fly through my mind and that was simply that. A thought. Other times that thought would fly through but there was - *something* - different. And I KNEW. KNEW he was thinking of me right at that moment. This didn't happen often. He doesn't know what to think about me. I scare him. He simply has no clue what's going on and I scare him.

He met someone on the very day I had the oddest synchronicities with him. I still find that so ironic. THE SAME DAY. And he romanced her and married her about a year and a half later. The entire time he was courting this woman, I was still being awakened by his strong emotions. I would awaken knowing he was making love to her. (PAIN in the heart chakra.) I would awaken when I felt his fear about me. He just doesn't know how to categorize me or these experiences. They're too weird.

I was so tired of feeling this connection to a man who was out doing his own life, involved with someone else. I started petitioning the Universe to kill the link. I didn't want to feel "him" anymore. I wanted out.

And somewhere along the line, the Universe listened. I can't even purposely "tune in' anymore. I do sometimes get hazy impressions of his emotional state, but it isn't clear anymore. No more direct link.

I never thought I'd say this, but I miss it. And I realized last night while reading this thread that when I was in such agony and asking for the link to be closed, my heart chakra was open. In order to close down the link, I shut down my heart.

And so now I'm praying for it to be opened again. It was opened for a reason - I'm the one who shut it down. Destiny has its own game going here. Who do I think I am to fight it?

Regarding the butterflies and the heart chakra and the solar plexus. (Shoot. I need to tell this story. I'm all over the place again.) More synchronicities. A couple of weeks ago, I was running errands. Two unexpected sightings of his name. HIS name. Because of his business. And then I, who seldom plays the radio in the car because I'm weird and like silence (so I can think) turned on the radio. And not one minute later, heard "him" on a commercial for his business. Butterflies. In the heart and that grab in the solar plexus.

I'm never, ever prepared for this. It hits me every time like it is the first. Well, not nearly as intensely as the first time, but it HITS.

Bottom-line, I'd like my link back, my direct channel. It was gifted to me for a reason.

I can't tell you how at home I feel with all of you, reading all of your posts. Finally, FINALLY, some kindred souls who get this. Whatever "this" is.

posted February 22, 2014 03:43 PM            

For me, it was my mother pointing out how much sadness he was holding back, though it was clear in his voice. Sure, his words bit me. Everything a barb. But, she said, 'he needs you. He's not going to say it. YOU have to just be in the background for when he needs you. He needs to KNOW it.'

Right. ME taking initiative?

Well, my Hatter's forced me to have to do that. And that sort of dry run helped ease the anxiety since I KNEW I was going to have to play the Mac to his Will. I was going to have to get in his face, metaphorically speaking, and shout, 'I love you, damn it! It's not going to change, and there's nothing I expect nor you can do about it. It just IS. Deal with it!'

And that became my attitude.

I sent him the email in which I came clean, telling him that I love him, but also expressing that I can't deal with any of it. And so began the estrangement, in which I never answered, but he called as frequently, finding innovative excuses to do so. Despite himself.

He accused me of saving every one of those voicemails. I used to hate that. Deny it. Call him egotistical. But it was true, all the same. They brought me such joy, of course I kept them. Then, one day, I admitted it: yeah, I do. Duh. I love you. What do you expect?

I'd stay in the background. But the message I sent would be clear: I love you. I don't expect anything from you. This is just how it is. Deal with it.

As he'd once said, I have my own category. There's his family, his friends, and then there's me. I defy categorisation. What we have is undefinable, and simply what it is.

But that's not EASY to accept.

Still? I accept it. I've made myself do so.

I used to feel horrible at his spewing in some cynical diatribe at me, denying how he's ever shown any interest or care. If YOU show him anything, you're a crazy stalker. Really.

But I finally saw, or maybe trusted that weird instinct that's always been able to cut through the smoke and mirrors to the heart of his actions. That part which always knew the truth. I guess I started trusting that and NOT the appearances.

And I saw the root of it being so much self-loathing, so much fear. So much, 'how can you love me? You must be crazy.' So much desperation that he has to attack someone with such force so that they'll either stop - or keep going.

And everyone with sense stops. Everyone with reason and an ounce of self-esteem quits.

Sigh. Not me. Not when it comes to him.

But rather than continue the cycle of abuse, as I knew it was, I distanced, disconnected, and started approaching it with love - from that safe distance.

He's not the way he used to be. He's appreciative now. He's genuinely apologetic for his past treatment of me. He's even expressed how he was SO angry. How I 'drove him crazy, and I still do, and yet, that doesn't mean he wants me to go away - just that I drive him crazy. Though, maybe not as much'.

Oh. Thanks. Not as much.

From an insult comic, that's pretty complimentary.

But taking the love approach has proven slowly worthwhile. He doesn't throw as many punches. I always step aside, patting him on the shoulder and saying I love him. But I still step aside. I get out of the way. But I continue letting him know I love him.

Eventually, the anger lessened. He discovered that it wasn't worth it being mean, distant, and sarcastic. To attack when I was supportive. To deny he missed me. Even if he'd be the one to say it first - and always 'I missed you, too.' Even though I hadn't said it. 😉

See, neither wanted to be the one more in love than the other. Neither could be the one to say 'I love you' or 'I miss you'. And never first. THAT was crazy talk.

So I broke the pattern. I said it. And I stayed consistent.

posted February 22, 2014 03:59 PM              

quote:

---

Originally posted by summerlite:
Do you use your NAME asteroids?

Have you tried it on your progressive composite charts on meeting dates to see if the NAME asteroids cross anything? i thought that'll be interesting if it does.

---

Yup!
They are very significant.

posted February 22, 2014 04:13 PM            

I'm so sorry to hear about the current state of things for you. (God, it makes me wonder just to what extent he was enduring so much.)

I can echo completely your petitioning the Universe, so to speak. It became a scene I wrote, actually, (as he and I met in order to write a story). I was trying to deal with the most incredible pain of his sudden rejection and denial of ever having felt anything at all. After years, refusing to be accountable for the fact he'd had to stay so consistent and make it SO clear what he wanted, that despite my life going as it had, I STILL wanted our relationship to meet its potential; to fulfill some destiny we both wanted.

Anyway.

That day, 10 January 2013, lives in infamy. Infamy. I was in mourning. I was crying for days, straight, and then weeks sporadically. It didn't begin to subside until 20 March; three years after the day we technically met face to face. A soulmate with whom I had something very much outstanding, and a project that originally was developed first, made a very clear statement that he wanted to try again.

I'd realised that, due to my burying my feelings for Fate, that I also had done the same with him. I wanted to clear them and deal with them. Nothing unresolved and outstanding.

That's when I wrote him how I loved him, and that's why things were so volatile. (My mother called it 'maybe the best letter of its kind', heh, for the way it was so well composed and genuine.) Of course, I'd later admit I still loved him, and still do - and always will.

I shelved our project, and pled with the Universe to free me, as I'd had Fiona beg in order to be liberated from Lane. In the story, they only THOUGHT it was broken. But it's later revealed that no one has control over that.

You're stuck with it. You do the best you can.

I knew that, after I'd been with the soulmate, when I laughed and caught myself in the mirror, that as I'd a fleeting thought that maybe I was wrong, maybe THIS is right - I knew when I saw his smile. His expression. His eyes. HE was ... THERE ... in MY reflection! I don't know how else to describe it.

But I just signed, and smiled, and cried, and thought: well, damn. And here I thought I'd gotten out of that one.

No.

He'd mysteriously stop calling - almost as if to grant me a strange tacit wish of, letting me fall in love with this man the way I was meant to? To be liberated just long enough to allow this connexion to run its course and be what it should be? Learn what we're meant to?

I'd heard a song playing which (not that one - the one that haunted me before and made me realise I DID love him - Delerium's 'Innocente') almost seemed as if he was saying 'I'm still here; just letting you do what you need to.'

Oh, such madness. But oh, how I cried.

I remember afterward, as I meditated, prayed, during the song, I then said, 'thank you,' and 'I love you.'

I said it aloud. My husband, who had been asleep, far as I could tell, said, 'he knows.'

And I thought: what? Did he mean 'I know'? But he wouldn't say that. He says it back. So I asked him, just in case he was awake. Just to repeat what he'd said. He was out.

It lasted 2 weeks. They seemed long. Nothing I'd said or done had made him distance - he just had. One day, going into 3 weeks, I'd said in my head that this was BS. He didn't need to go away. I miss him! I miss my best friend! This is silly.

He called that day, but I missed it. He left a voicemail instead, as usual saying, 'I just realised it's been almost 3 weeks since I talked to you. This is BS. I mean, it's not intentional, it just happened. But that's long enough.'

I was pretty floored.

Has it changed the way I feel about my 'new' relationship? Sometimes. But my feelings for Fate never go away. Never fade. They just settle more peacefully at times.

But, like you, I shut my heart down. Completely. My soulmate has helped that, which in turn has helped my husband, too. But now he seems more inclined towards my relationship with Fate, rather than my soulmate - but that's for another day.

Telling him I love him, sticking with it, has been crucial for me. It's kept my heart open. I was miserable otherwise. I was the same shut off, emotional void I'd been before him. It made no sense to revert to it after.

posted February 22, 2014 04:18 PM              

quote:

---

Originally posted by IndigoDirae:
I don't get sleepy. At all. I become completely energised and motivated.

Now, if I'm NOT interacting with him, but 'spectating', as Ceri has expressed via seeing him perform, I can feel very relaxed. I'm not sedated. It's not a dizzying, disorienting thing (THAT only happens when something is very wrong; usually the fear I'm losing him somehow, he's pushing me away, trying to distance). It's a soothing thing, like a fresh cup of chamomile tea. I sometimes find myself smiling and closing my eyes, breathing in the moment and just enjoying it. I could certainly drift for a short period.

But when we're interacting? Total energy. It's like a jolt. A buzz. I can be absolutely euphoric during and afterward. For hours. It's like I've had a few cups of coffee and am PUMPED. He's the same way, too.

So, that's my experience.

---

OMG Indigo,
I am having Chamomile tea just now for breakfast as I'm reading your post LOOOL

posted February 22, 2014 04:23 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by tgem:
Yeah, well whatever "this" is I'm not so sure I should have signed up for it....way too painful. Please please universe...no more pain! 😕

---

Hang in there, ... sister? :blink: Huh. Well, okay, then. I wasn't expecting that. Not that I completely reject the notion, either, it's just ... I was typing 'tgem', as I usually do, but that's what I heard myself saying / typing. Hang in there, sister.