posted March 01, 2014 05:50 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by IndigoDirae:
I don't understand a God who would let us meet, if there's no way we could ever be together.'

That one.

I have no answer, but I think it. A LOT.

And drawing only minor satisfaction from 'well, in another eigenstate, we're achieving what it is we came here to do.'

... Yay?

---

posted March 01, 2014 09:13 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by IndigoDirae:

If that's the case, am I the close-but-no-cigar me?

Was Other-Me-There born a day later, with a SAG MOON that conjoins his SUN? Or on 26 October as I was expected, with a GEM MOON and early SCO SUN?

Is THAT me his Twinflame, and I'm some bizarre cosmic runoff which shouldn't have awakened?

Unfortunately, 'The Adjustment Bureau' lies. Pleading isn't going to change your destiny. Lovely notion, just love enough. I don't think it's true.

Is the eigenstate I'm living the product of a cosmic error?

Was I not supposed to feel this HERE? Am I simply too close to, to enthralled by, too longing to integrate 'all of me' across extradimensional spacetime that I manifested that which is only operational and plausible in another eigenstate?

ARE you married to Jude, Ceri? And Mr Sag in another?

ARE you with Jace now, Michelle?

ARE you and your Virgo presently creating art together, Lavender? And then you're to do so here, too? But why, I wonder ....

DID you and CUSP come together years ago, tgem?

Are we just not aware of the 'adjustments' made to the eigenstate we're observing, so that we're confusing ourselves?

It's scientifically plausible, you know.

Should this Me, LA-married-with-stepdaughter-Me have never awakened to this? Never contacted him in 2011? Never tried to reanimate LACHESIS?

But then I would've left my abusive ex and gotten with my husband in 2004. I'd have never met Fate.

But, if LACHESIS is part of what I'm here to do, I need him. He's essential. We do this together.

But what does that mean? Together?

Maybe the rest of it is satisfied in other eigenstates. Where we're just doing the awakened spiritual thing - IF that's what this is. Big if.

But why feel this way?

Why take both of us by storm? Uproot our foundations and shake up our lives like a demented child with a snow globe?

Ohhh, damn you, City of Angels. It's a line which comes to me sometimes. A lot lately. That film REALLY affected me. Oh, I was obsessed with it.

It's Ryan's character, the doctor, Maggie Rice, to Cage's, Seth.

'I don't understand a God who would let us meet, if there's no way we could ever be together.'

That one.

I have no answer, but I think it. A LOT.

And drawing only minor satisfaction from 'well, in another eigenstate, we're achieving what it is we came here to do.'

... Yay?

---

Indigo, oddly enough - or is it really all that odd? This day has already had its share of synchronicities - the same site where I found mention of Andromeda early this am also had a fairly complete explanation for a phenomenon called parallel lives. I never looked it up but I'm guessing this is what you mean by "eigenstates". (Aside from the point which I have come across time and time again (no pun intended), that time as we experience it here, doesn't exist; it is not linear, with "past" and "future" but is lived NOW. But apparently this information is hard for us humans to digest because of the way we're wired "here". However, for the sake of the rest of what I'll try to share, hold that thought.)

The example given was the same life with staggered entry points. In other words, my life that I'm living right now is being lived out on other levels, but my higher self (as Michelle) came in at different points. Other choices (Free Will) can shift the direction of where that life goes. What was explained is that "we" don't live past lives - our higher selves live those past lives. "We" have some "memories" of them, but those memories come from our higher selves. But "past lives" aren't really past lives anyway; they're parallel lives. They're being lived NOW. Destiny comes into play because parts of this story we're living were chosen by us. We've "contracted" with certain souls to do portions of our lives with them - as children, spouses, parents, friends, even enemies. (Here, that is. On the Other Side, there are no enemies. It is all about love and learning.) Free Will comes into play and can change how any one of these parallel lives unfolds. What makes this especially complex is that it isn't simply my Free Will that can shift this story; it is the Free Will of others that can shift it as well.

The higher self is all about learning. The soul is here to learn and grow. Period. So on that basis, it's fairly easy to see that the purpose of parallel lives is to see how they play out under the influence of Free Will - not just our own, but that of the others in our lives as well. Because we're ALL here doing exactly the same thing. Engaging in this gigantic stage play with one objective in mind. Soul growth.

Yes, Indigo, I could be with Jace RIGHT NOW. You could be with Fate. Each of us could already by with our Twin Flames.

But for me there is one huge question glaringly, screamingly jumping up and down. It comes out of my reading of "Journey of Souls". (Where, by the way, living more than one life at a time was mentioned. A different view came forth in that book. It was said that it is up to each individual soul to choose, but that living more than one life at a time is not generally encouraged because it is such a huge drain on the soul.) My question has to do with recognition signs.

We are given recognition signs just before we incarnate, ways to recognize people who are SIGNIFICANT in our lives. These are the most emphasized with soulmates. (Twin Flames/primary soulmates and other soulmates.) Sometimes they are really specific and detailed. Most close soulmates give us a sense of peace, of "home", of having known this person before, even if we've never met in this life.

In my case, I had a deja vu experience with Jace's name early on. Followed by inexplicable, nearly imperceptible reactions to his full name as it came up in conversations. And then there was the first visual/solar plexus whomp, the "soul soar"/choked up feeling when I heard his voice on the answering machine at home or saw his photo. Or the locked eyes when our eyes actually met for the first time. (Haven't gotten to that part of the story yet.) There's the fact that he can be in the next room (or miles away) and I know what he's feeling.

If our guides and teachers on the Other Side are sensitive enough to how difficult it is to be human to advise us not to live parallel lives and to limit the amount of soul memory we can access here to only recognition signs, if our higher selves are sensitive enough to speak to us only when we need to hear them, why would we be allowed to have access to these recognition signs and ALL of the upheaval that happens around them if there was no chance of Destiny playing out for us? That would be cruel. I don't believe Source is cruel.

I have mixed feelings about parallel lives. There are contradictions. It is entirely POSSIBLE. It's more difficult to discern what is real and what is not when the information one finds is contradictory. This one I'll have to take to meditation and then trust the answer that comes to me.

Because the brain, the mind, can deceive us. We were given intelligence because we need it. But it has its place. The mind is not the soul. The mind is limited and can only conceive in a limited way, no matter the scope of the intelligence of that person, even an Einstein.

Some of the human experience is beyond the scope of the mind. It is the territory of the soul and the soul lives in the heart.

My own journey in this life has led me to this place. This choice. To be willing to live in the heart.

I'm here on this forum with all of you and working with charts looking for "something" because, so far, everything my heart tells me seems to not be evidenced by what is happening in my reality. I'm looking for answers with my mind because my heart is stumbling over the dichotomy between what I "know" and what I "see". I suspect that is why we're all here.

This is my own blathering. My own wandering through verbal expression of something that I'm not so sure can actually be expressed at all. Maybe every single soul on this planet has soul questions that each is attempting to answer with the mind. And bottom-line, that's not why we're here.

The soul is here to learn. The soul lives in the heart, is accessed through the heart chakra. And that is the place where I keep hearing the word "Trust".

Maybe this won't work out. Maybe it already hasn't. But as much as I'd like the chance to be with my Twin Flame, *I'M* here with my own soul purpose, apart from him. I'm tied to him for all time but my soul purpose for this life is mine and mine alone.

The journey on which I embarked when Jace first awakened me through dreams is that of Trust. I have to say, things have worked out in an amazing way. Not easily, but amazingly. Trust isn't scientific. It isn't of the mind. It is of the heart.

For me, it is the only Way. And along this Way, if I choose to use my mind to explore the answers (and questions) available through astrology, then I'm using one of the gifts given to me as a human. But science doesn't have all the answers just as the mind cannot understand the heart. They don't speak the same language.

I have to Trust. It's the only way for me, the only way forward.

Forgive me if I've lost you in all of my words. This experience, the one we're all trying to make sense of, isn't easy. Neither is verbalizing it.

Namaste.

Michelle

posted March 01, 2014 10:31 PM            

Today, I met someone. They came right to my door, actually, at 16:49. (Something about that. :49. 4:49, then 3:49, and last night, 2:49. But always :49.) My husband said - erroneously - that it was the kiddo, presuming she'd just be coming back through the front door. So, I opened it without thought.

'It's an emergency!' A friend of my husband's, and later mine, had said. (He's from the same city as Fate, oddly.) Two people were standing beside him, an American man in town with his Chinese wife; schoolteachers in China. He's from Phoenix, she's from Shanghai.

Her name is Juni, which she pronounces 'Journey'.

A woman named Journey came to my door today at 16:49, on 1 March.

Huh.

We had a lovely conversation. It wasn't any actual emergency. Rather, her husband had been 'blessed' with a seagull's aerial 'gift', if you follow. This was a very fortunate omen, per Chinese superstition. So, as he went to remedy things in our restroom, 'Journey' and I began a wonderful, informative, enlightening chat.

I was further flabbergasted at the backwards ways in which women are STILL treated. I was respectful, but horrified - and in good company. She was fascinating. And so brave. She married an American and became a teacher.

The thought that was left with me was, 'a woman named Journey didn't like the hand she was dealt, the fate she was given, and so she flat-out changed her stars.'

And I thought: to what would I change mine? And would I? And how? Why?

To be honest, the reason I blathered on about eigenstates is because the concept of parallel lives was something that emerged from my understanding of time when I was still a fairly young girl. Maybe 8 or so. As I knew time was nonlinear, but I hadn't yet the mathematics to study quantum physics, I began to logically deduce that past lives mustn't be 'past' at all: merely in parallel.

My characters grasped this concept with unexpected abandon. By my second project (age 19), I was pioneering a new form of storytelling, and I had no idea I was doing it. I was simply trying to tell a story using time as I understood it. But, oh, filming it? That took another decade and then to sort out!

Mixing the notion of soul into it is an interesting direction. Making the Observer into a kind of higher self warrants further research. We already know, from a modern physics and hyperdimensional perspective, using special relativity and some of Heisenberg's best tricks, that time is a multidimensional construct. But applying the concept of soul to it CAN get unwieldy.

For me, I'm not sure it's as 'draining' as it is seemingly commonplace. Confusing, that I'll grant you. Draining, I'm not sure. But as my stories took on this multidimensional, parallel narrative across time sort of quantum structure, I couldn't help but see how my life had always been that way.

I'm completely undecided on all of it, as of today.

I'm not sure what I want. Should I 'conform' to what I have? It's a good situation. Really. I'm very fortunate. I could be a potter at the wheel about to make wonderful creations. It's ... malleable. I can make something of it. Mould it. Shape it.

Or should I 'change my stars' ? Should I determine what that might even mean? Is this solely about me - or someone else? Is it about several people? I don't know anything anymore. I'm so ... lost.

I'm not sure I can trust in answers from sources that aren't logical or rational. I want factual information. Hard things to which I can point and go, 'see?'. I have some of that, but right now, I want more - I need more.

I'm not sure where I'm going, so, all I feel I can do is keep going. I'll end up somewhere. Somewhere.

I've no doubt my higher self 'takes over', and has been doing so quite a lot. But where it's leaving me, I'm not so sure I understand.

I'm not very coherent right now.

Sigh.

What makes us a 'Twinflame' anyway? Completely removing anyone else from the equation, may be easier right now.

Maybe we can start exploring that. More natal, less synastry and composite.

Because ....

I don't know. Square One? Fear?

Who knows.

I've yet to hear from iQ, which isn't surprising. Yet as each day passes, the more nerve-wracked I become. Do I want to know?

Do I? One way or the other?

... Do I? Really?

posted March 01, 2014 11:29 PM            

I remember reading somewhere, long ago, that when one reaches the place where they admit that they know nothing, THAT is a place of great wisdom. Of awakening.

I think we're all simply seeking. Asking is seeking. I also think that in order to see the entire picture, we can use the mind but we need to rely on the soul.

Ceri said something several pages back when I was frustrated because I couldn't find "proof" of my Twin Flame in the charts, even though I had had the same experiences as those of you who ARE finding those aspects. She said something like (paraphrased), "Experience is the most important thing".

I find it serendipitous, a quite amazing series of synchronicities really, that immediately following your soul-deep searching for answers, a woman named Journey appeared on your doorstep because her husband had been singularly blessed. You had "journey" partnered with "blessing" appear right in front of you, in your world. If that isn't a sign, I don't know what is. And you invited them in and spent some time with Journey while you waited for the blessing.

I think this is one of the most wonderful - not to mention direct - messages I've ever heard. Or read.

Enjoy the journey. The blessing comes with it.

That's one I'll choose to keep my eyes on.

Hugs to you, Indigo. We're all going to get there, wherever "there" is. With whatever "this" is.

posted March 02, 2014 12:13 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by micole maree:
I'm dying to hear from Ceri...

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Me too...

Lovely posts, btw.

posted March 02, 2014 04:20 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by MorpHnStorM:
Me too...

Lovely posts, btw.

@ Indigo...**hugs**

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MorpHnStorM: Thanks. Just speaking my .

posted March 02, 2014 10:14 AM            

I must say I started questioning the idea of Cusp being my TF back in September. I've been told he is, I've been told he isn't...the last reading I had was about 2 weeks ago. Tarot (spirit guide energy) told me I really needed to stop worrying about whether he is a TF or not...almost like I just needed to release it...

Maybe we're not supposed to know for sure if they are our TF right now? Maybe, as said earlier, it's about Trust...which I know is hard for our scientific minds because we want an answer/proof for everything. Maybe us not being together with them, not knowing whether they are a TF, is our lesson...a lesson in trusting the universe...trusting God..trusting that there are other forces at play in our lives.

I compare to a favorite saying I've held in my heart since my son was miraculously healed. He was examined and treated by some of the world's most knowledgable/experienced researchers and physicians...yet they were not able to heal him or even correctly diagnose him. Doctors all over the witness "miracles" all the time that defies medical explanation. So no matter what knowledge/expertise/answers one thinks they may have, Doctors are not God. There are reasons, miracles happen everyday. Maybe our journey is not to know the answer, a definite "yes" or "no" but to trust in the journey and the Divine. When we trust and "let go" and try not to CONTROL the situation, that's when the reality of the situation/ the purpose of the situation will present itself.

Indigo, you mentioned something in your post that struck me right away as I was just thinking about this yesterday! Did you say you think you and Fate were on the Titanic together? And drown? How do you know? Are there any asteroids/ placements astrologically that has led you to this conclusion?

The reason I ask is that like Egypt and Atlantis, I have ALWAYS been intrigued with the story of Titanic. Interestingly, although I can swim, I have always had a big fear of drowning. Although it is said, it is one of the most peaceful ways to die...I'm really scared of drowning! Ironically Cusp can't swim...

I remember seeing James Cameron's Titanic for the first time when it hit theatres, I walked out of that movie sobbing (borderline) hysterical uncontrollably. It was so embarrassing, but I couldn't help it...I ended up with a massive headache...

I wonder if this might point to some kind of connection? What are your thoughts/experiences?

posted March 02, 2014 10:33 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ceridwen:
Has anyone ever made a composite of their natal chart and a very important event in their life, like when you met your tf? Or when something significant took place?

I find these very telling.

Last time I encountered Mr Sag and I was kind of surprised how calm and confident I was during that meeting.

The composite with that exact moment (from my perspective) had:

Close Moon conjunct Jupiter in Taurus in 7th house, making a GT with Venus in Cap in 3rd and SAturn in Virgo in 11th

That was pretty descriptive for me.

Sun was squaring Saturn by 3 degrees, but apparently not even that could prevent the chat from happening.

Pluto was conjunct NN exact, too

From his perspective (comp. of HIS natal and this moment)

Sun in Sag conjunct DESC exactly!
and also trine Leo-Jupiter in 2nd

LOL I was having Moon-Jupiter-conjunction in 7th; he was having Sun in 7th trine Jupiter;
my Moon was exalted, his Sun in mutual reception with Jupiter.

his Sun was also squrae Mars.

He had a Pluto-Vertex-conjunction in the 6th house, he must have met someone in his workenvironment around that time.

sextile Uranus in 8th - probably quite unexpectedly, but nevertheless not unpleasant - or something URanian

However the poor man also had a close Moon-Saturn-conjunction in Libra in 5th house squaring Cappy-Venus in 8th house.

Mutual reception of Venus-Saturn

Venus was also widely trine Mars, but with 5 degrees, I am not sure if it is still a valid orb for this kind of chart-casting

Interestngly this Moon-Saturn-conjunction he had in thatm oment, fell onto his natal Pluto in 7th house. (and my DNA. lol)

---

Can't remember the exact date I saw him (online), but I've noted the exact date when he saw me online (I've accidentally sent him a friend request on facebook, he kept the request pending but suddenly he changed his profile picture with the one with his mother-maybe because he thought I was her fan. But I've cancelled the friend request). So he only saw my profile picture. I was suprised with what I've seen (Half-wished I didn't cancel the friend request lol-I didn't know anything regarding twin flames back then)

Transits:
His Pluto conj. Venus (3 degrees) in Scorpio in 3rd house
His Venus conj. Sun (2 degrees) in Libra in 1st house
His North Node conj. Juno in Aquarius (1 degree) in 5th house
His Union conj. Venus in Scorpio (2 degrees) in 2nd house
His Union conj. Saturn exactly in Scorpio in 2nd house
His Union conj. North Node (1 degree) in Scorpio in 2nd house
His Angel conj. Sun (3 degrees) in Libra in 1st house
His Angel conj. Venus (2 degrees) in Libra in 1st house
His Angel conj. Angel (3 degrees) in Libra in 1st house

posted March 02, 2014 01:01 PM            

I was just using metaphors, to be honest. Regarding Fate, I joke that we're arranging deck chairs on the Titanic to watch the fireworks display of wires snapping, structures collapsing, and explosions all over.

On the other hand, I have always felt a very strong tie to large luxury liner shipwrecks, and so Titanic became a fascination in my adolescence with the JASON's first exploration in, I'm going to say, 1989? I was hooked.

I saw the film with my long-distance sweetheart who was blissfully in town for 2 weeks. A Scorpio I met in DC and with whom it was all instant everything. He proved quite the guardian angel years later, even if we lost touch. (He was also a bit of a sketch artist. We'll leave it at that!) 😜

So, while if I'm feeling it, it's almost too overwhelming; I was able to immerse myself in story and cinematography, and the 6'4' Adonis studying genetics at UC Berkeley in the seat next to me. 😉

But in 2012, when my husband had to research it for a particular gig he was doing, that was tricky. On the one hand, I kept my clinical stance. On the other, I was screaming inside. I'd often have to leave the room. Way too much emotion.

My boyfriend following that relationship and I curiously felt the same pull, but to the Lusitania, and then another unnamed ship during WW2, where he was SS and I, OSS.

Weirdest mood kill ever?

Sitting curled up watching a TV show with your beau, cosy and happy and calm, and you both start getting a weird, antsy feeling. You unconsciously begin physically distancing, but slightly.

You say, 'I just had the strangest feeling.'

He then looks equally uncomfortable as you wait to continue. 'Oh?'

'Yeah. I had the oddest feeling that ... that I've been executed by a high-level SS officer. Not during the normal 'course of business', either.

He pauses, swallows, and then says, 'That is odd.' I'm about to continue, but then he says, 'because I just had the most sickly feeling that I've executed someone.'

Then you just stare at each other for several seconds, thinking: well, THIS was unexpected.

So, large ocean liners: bad news in karmic terms for Indigo. Drowning, big, big fear. Excellent swimmer, though, thankfully. Several dreams in which I'd drowned, though.

The young girl who my parents cared for before I was born who drowned and I shared some strange connexion when I was young. My parents were so devastated, understandably. I came into this world, not hydrophobic, but with fears of drowning. So who can say?

I came into this life with a lot of bizarre memories and fears, though.

Just now, my stepdaughter is expressing her inability to emote in her work. That floors me. She can't fathom how to envision herself a young Jewish girl singing of her people's courage. How can't you? That period of history hums with such powerful energy, besides.

But I've never had this issue. I could play anything - and still can / do. My favourite song at four was 'Self Control' by Laura Branigan. I used to dash all over the house, performing in my own imaginary music video, or to an invisible audience.

It just surprised me that other little girls couldn't fancy themselves tortured Shakespearean type women, or Christine-like figures tormented by a dangerous forbidden love with a violent madman. (But then I also loved Wuthering Heights when I discovered it the following year; who knows!)

Is it really that odd? To 'pretend' in any role? I was frequently cast in the strangest things because I could be anyone. A suicidal mother who had recently murdered her child in a postpartum rage and was improvising a monologue for why she was going to pull the trigger. I think I was 8, if I recall correctly.

But my favourite roles were the daring, passionate heroines. The kick-ass revolutionaries and princesses who saved themselves, thank you. Heh. I wanted to play Ursula (at 10) but I got Ariel because of my voice type. But I still sing the chorus of 'Poor Unfortunate Souls' when my stepdaughter is whining about, well, tween issues. 😉 Then I give her a big hug and kiss on the head, because, that 10° Virgo Moon will drive her nuts if she lets it. 😉

Anyhow. Boy, this went somewhere odd. I must have an 'acting' asteroid activated by transit this week. I've been having to coach in this area for the past few days. Because I've always been able to pull whatever from my 'memory' bank. Be it Method, or English. Draw from experience (which is odd for me, as many 'experiences' I haven't actually had here!) or create the character from imagination.

posted March 02, 2014 05:10 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Astro keen:
Indigo, was that a rhetorical question? You must know that you're artistically gifted. Actors in the making might be endowed with the imagination to transpose themselves thru history, but, for the most part, people lack the imagination to do just that.

---

Really, it was a legitimate query. My husband's always rolling his eyes at my attempts to break into the industry. I'm just being juvenile; a dreamer. I haven't grown up yet, etc. It had been the cause of several fights, which unfortunately brought me closer to Fate, as he, too is both trying to establish himself in a solid line of work while breaking in.

It wasn't until my stepdaughter expressed a potent fear last night that she'll never 'make it' that I started thinking, what ARE you talking about? It's that Virgo Moon; it is. She's terrified of failure, she won't even try. She's very naturally gifted.

I spend a lot of time supporting, nurturing, training, casting, and coaching others to pursue their artistic dreams. It's true I'd spent so little on truly promoting myself until I hit my 30s.

An amusing bit is how I 'met Fate'.

Back in my teens, I started learning production, and began casting. Found I had a knack for it, but, OH, you wanna talk about a locked-down industry? Ohhh, man. Getting that CSA by your name takes your first born! By college, I found myself having amassed a very talented group that were also trying their hand at stand-up comedy, and I've always been a huge fan and follower of comedians. I'm told at least once a year I should go into the biz myself, but I know from Fate just how nuts that industry is.

Nonetheless, I found I knew so much from osmosis and consuming so much comedy, I started applying my natural ability / skill in directing to coach my comic friends.

By the time I had become aware of Fate's work, I was something of a 'retired' veteran in that regard. And, I admit it; I can be a terrible know-it-all when I KNOW what I'm doing, and I want to share my experience.

But Fate ... he doesn't take instruction well. He'll politely tell you thanks, and then do it his way. (Aquarian rising much?)

So, being me, I'd randomly offer critiques on his performance to 'his friend' whom was my writing partner. It'd be like advising Charles Dodgson how Lewis Carroll should adapt his Alice books for the theatre. But I wasn't about to blow anyone's cover and lose my writing partner - and best friend.

He must've had more respect for me than I ever realised, because I'd see his applying everything I'd told 'his friend' which he'd 'relayed to him'. Down to being the first Naughts comic to always do his set in either a suit or sportsjacket over some khakis. (But always Chucks. He hates dress shoes.)

I couldn't help but realise that, despite his never saying so, (because he wouldn't actually run material with me until he'd come clean years later) how much of my coaching he'd incorporated into his act. Wow.

I was SO deeply touched that this man who really doesn't listen to anyone would not just consider my opinions, but incorporate them. Heh. He said about a year ago on his status update he was tired of shaving, and maybe grow out a beard. Several people said to go for it. I said, 'No.' He's still clean-shaven. 😜

I admit. That will make me sad sometimes.

I'll think of how it'd be; running material (he actually got one of the best responses ever with the stuff we wrote together) and writing, creating, performing, together. I always wanted to be the one promoting, managing, and coaching a comic. It shocked me I could actually take the mike - if I wanted to.

But my husband hates it when I'm so impractical. One of our worst fights was simply because I'd proudly announced I had achieved the most coveted waist-to-hip ratio, possessed by most Playboy models. I've always had an hourglass figure and have done some side modelling, but it wasn't until I got to LA that I thought - I can do this, right?

I never felt pretty enough, or as desirable or sexy as one needs to be to be a leading lady. Thank you, Gillian Anderson! She's kind of my hero. We have the same measurements, too, so it gave me a nice push to go for it.

So I decided that when we started developing LACHESIS for TV, it only stands to reason we'd play our characters. Even if I cut my teeth in voice-acting in LA, it felt a natural transition. Not that I'm just dreaming, or being juvenile.

'Just be a writer,' he says. But 'writer' is more like my race than my job. Heh. I AM a writer. But I think I've also always been an actor. I just never approached it professionally here in LA. He takes that to mean I'd just be wasting my time.

I ... believed him. I hated fighting. And when Fate and I started falling out (because of my husband's demands on me) I just wanted to keep the peace. So, I dropped it. I'd continue doing things on certain websites, performing, karaoke, what-not, and collect the 'why aren't you?' statements.

But seeing that what I do is NOT something that's as ubiquitous as I thought (I have certainly coached a lot of actors, too) ... it's made me want to fight for it.

Heh. 'Defying Gravity' became my 'I WILL be a creative professional, damn it!' power anthem. 😜 But, hey. LEO NNODE. I'm supposed to be doing this. 😉

So ... we'll see. I'm not giving up my role in the project in working on, and I'm still cast as Harley Quinn / Dr Harleen Quinzel in a Batman-themed musical, so, I'm NOT declining that.

I just ... it REALLY hurt, you know? I hate thinking of these things. It reminds me of certain impasses I've been able to simply sidestep.

But at what cost to me?

posted March 02, 2014 08:34 PM            

So, okay. It's my turn.

I'm not sure what I'm feeling. Relief? Confusion? A little bit of rage? Sadness?

He didn't need to post a status update at 23:15 via Twitter last night commenting on how his mom still worries when he stays out too late. And, in his attempt to be funny, says 'don't worry, Mom. I'll be home tomorrow.'

He's always making an effort to crack a joke. Hello, comedian? I get that. That's harmless. And, honestly, he'll occasionally pull a gaming all-nighter if it's further out, and it's wiser to just come back in the morning. So I wasn't really thinking of anything.

Until she Liked it.

She, being his attractive young female coworker. Too young, maybe, at 22. For a 30 y/o introverted man. I've not decided.

I even took an excellent attitude towards his possibly dating her. She seems unbelievably spirited. But then, well, yes. 22. I wanted to take on the world at 22. I would even help - given his courting skills are more on the level of the boys in my stepdaughter's class.

H seemed a good match; kinda Saggy. Outgoing, seemed to travel a lot, etc. Until I saw that she's a double Cancer. Oof. No. She's all CAN / CAP. (Late, though. Not on Sirius or Vega; heh. I thought of that.)

They've got a MERC-MERC trine; that explains why they're able to have easy, light conversation. It's the MARS-PLUTO opp that'd turn things sexual. It'd fit his requirements of 'if love, no sex; if sex, then no love, friendship and sex okay.' His NEP is tightly opposite her VENUS, too.

Except she's no lightweight. Double Cancer with Cancer Venus and Taurus Mars? Whooo, buddy. No.

What I DO find intriguing is her exact conjunction of PSYCHE-EROS. His isn't actually conjunct; it's way too wide. Hers is 29° TAU. (And still too wide to aspect his.)

Only her MERC and SNODE are in his 7H, making no aspect to the cusp.

Wide DW VENUS-PLUTO, though. 5° for a trine, but 1° for a square.

Interestingly, her SUN is within orb to parallel his DSC, but not conjunct (in the 6H). So, that might be something.

KARMAS within orb of trine (2°) but making no aspects to luminaries or the like.

No soulmate pairings, though, I've got to say, some of these placements feel as if there's some karma there. Maybe nothing major.

It's been over a year. They became Facebook friends shortly after, maybe 3 months, but there'd been no mention of her or posting or anything until last November. To which - sigh - he'd responded snidely. Right. Like he didn't post a photo he took of the ducks they fed (though, JUST the ducks, not them) to goad me? I know him too well - and he's admitted to that in the past. The whole, 'if you ever answered the phone, then you'd know,' sort of thing.

In that case, it sounded strictly hanging-out-after-work, and not a bit date-like. And he was solo on Valentine's. He hasn't said they're not, but he hasn't said they are, either. And he was right back to calling me like he used to until I went dark. I think he gets that - at least he should've after I posted it on my FB a few times that week. He can't possibly feel avoided.

But that's not the point, is it?

The point is, it's gotta happen sometime, doesn't it? He's got to decide to date, or start casually seeing someone where it becomes semi regularly. And then ... there it is.

When I saw she Liked it, I felt dizzy.

I thought; okay; so, that's it. He stayed with her last night. He's done that before. It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't HAVE to. He's not in love. He'd be VERY different if he was. He'd be giddy. He'd be calling me with a song in his voice. They'd be posting on each other's pages. She'd be Friends with his mom.

Hey, if she can help him be less lonely, if he was actually lonesome, then I'm happy for that. Genuinely.

But in my bizarre panic attack this past Friday, I thought of lots of things. I thought of how I'd react if we were estranged for years and I later learnt he was married. I thought of how I'd be if he told me he wanted to marry someone.

First, I'd say, 'ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR BLOODY MIND?' But then, I'd dispense my 'wisdom' in these things.

Because I realised, feeling that knife in my heart, that, maybe, they were dating. Maybe, he was finally doing so, and conveniently, barely a week after my husband told him about the relationship I'm in.

I realised what I really, really, REALLY want.

I want to be it.

I want to be the only one he wants. I want no one to compare to me. I want him to decide that I'm the only one that's right for him, and, if nothing else, at the end of that day, to say it. To tell me.

My heart would be deeply broken, on an inexpressibly tendre level, to my very core, if he fell in love.

I know. I'm embarrassed. It upsets me. I wish I were braver, better, and more evolved than that. To just want him to be as happy and deeply in love as he could be.

But the truth is, I haven't let him go. I've loosened my grip out of necessity and understanding, but if someone took him from me - completely - forever - I couldn't quite handle that. Not yet. Perhaps, not ever.

But I've not let go of that day, that dream.

Our last coinciding marriage year, (they've all three coincided, but this is the last), 2024; I'm 44, and he's 40.

That some day, he might really come full circle. Back to me. Realising that, I was it.

No one's loved me like that - for me. No man has ever decided that I'm the only one for him. I'd always hoped he might.

I can stand back and watch the parade of women. I can. So long as he decides at the end of it, when he's tired of searching, and has had enough, that it's still me he's been looking for.

I'm not sure where to go from here, though. It seems we're past the days of being able to freely chat about the others in our lives. Too much jealousy. It's too hard.

Sigh. So complicated.

At least I've realised now what I was looking for. And there's no action step I can really take.

Her birthday is the day he first contacted me: 20 July. Isn't that wild?

posted March 03, 2014 12:54 AM            

I've spent the past two days wobbling from feeling somewhat balanced to low, low, low. For the past three hours, I have been on the verge of melting down into tears because the sadness I'm carrying deep in my heart and gut is so intense. And have been wondering why it is hitting me so hard NOW. It has to be revisiting all of this that is triggering it. I know it. So, on some level at least, I completely *get* what you're feeling, what you're going through.

Maybe this has evolved/devolved into an odd kind of support group. I'll tell you, truly, I was so relieved to find so many of you that had experienced the same off-the-wall strange and intense things that I had. I'm still interested in the astrology of it all. I get that you may not be. Speaking for myself, I honor where you are. I suspect your other friends here do too.

I came across this Sabian for the New Moon. I think this has a lot to do with what's going on for/with all of us right now, no?

Sabian Symbol 11º Pisces: Men travelling a narrow path, seeking illumination. Introduction of conscious mind to the intuitive soul-realms. Self dedication. Self-awakening or surrender to inner fears. ~ Cornerstone Astrology

For the heck of it last night, I ran Davisons on the first dream date and the first astral date. Pretty amazing stuff. I'm trying to find the journal entry for the day we locked eyes and I'll run that one too. I think that is the one I'd call the actual "meeting date" even though I'd been around him before, because he never met my eyes. I still find that telling in some way.

How do you find marriage dates? Is it too advanced for me? I've always wondered about that reading I had done when I was 18, mentioning love at 45, and wanted to know what to look for.

Take care of you.

***And by the way, I too, want to be IT for him. The last, the best, all he could conceive of wanting or having.

posted March 03, 2014 01:19 AM            

I'm with you on Trust in the Divine and in Destiny. And I'm with you, somewhat, on the letting go. I've heard those same words internally several times. At one point, I burned everything. At another, I stopped reading Tarot and oracle cards, at least connected with him. I had actually done that a few months before I came to this forum and discovered this thread. And here I go, awakening it all again, out of my relief at finding all of you who KNEW exactly what this experience is, because you too are living with the same questions.

Re: the Titanic. Interesting that both you and Indigo feel ties to that one. That movie TORE ME UP. The overwhelming sadness of it all utterly devastated me. I remember being hit so hard in the solar plexus with so much lingering nausea that I wondered if I was going to throw up. I know I can never watch it again. As beautiful as it was, as gorgeously filmed as it was, I can't revisit the emotions of it. I too have suspected that I was there. If not there, there had to have been a similar shipwreck and drowning in my past, somewhere.

I got some clear messages last night. I knew I was *connected* and so I asked. I was told "six years". Not earlier than six years, but possibly later. I was also told that I have pretty clean karma (the stuff with my ex was the biggie) but that Jace arrived with a fair bit to address, and his karma with her has to be completed before he can proceed.

So now I'm curious about these marriage aspects that Indigo mentioned...

posted March 03, 2014 01:33 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by tgem:
Well that's interesting: Cusp's natal chiron falls exactly on Andomeda @ 27Aries which conjuncts his First/last name asteroids conjunction in my natal!
In his natal my first name asteroid is conjunct his NN by 1 which happens to be opposite Andomeda by a wide 3.5.

Normally I would say this is too wide BUT as you can see Andromeda closely conjuncts his name asteroid in my natal and my name asteroid closely opposes his Andromeda in his natal! WOW!!!!

In our tropical composite, we have a venus/mars opposition with our venus conjunct Andromeda by 1.5.

---

Hmm. I'm curious. Do you show any conjunctions to other fixed stars between you?

posted March 03, 2014 02:02 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by felicity:

It began as I was a fan of my TF's mom work in culinary. She's a renowned chef/restaurateur here in our country, even my mom and I used to eat there frequently. Everyone says she's a genius. And she's charismatic as well (that's why I became an instant fan of hers). They also say she's very nice and down-to-earth, despite her family illustrious background. But I actually researched about her life story when I became attracted to her son (an attraction that begun only due to me following her mom on her FB page, as she frequently post pictures of him when he was young, etc.) This what I found out from the magazine I read when they interviewed her.

My TF was born as an illegitimate child. His dad was estranged from his 1st wife but they're not yet annulled (there's no divorce here in our country). So he was the youngest child of three, so he has a half-brother and a half-sister. My TF's parents met in Hong Kong at a banking firm (as his mom is also an accountant and his dad is an investment banker). As my TF's mom said in the interview, she had unwittingly fallen in love with one of her superiors, who's my TF's dad who is 15 years her senior. Then in 1990 my TF was born. His parents didn't end up together, her mom have another boyfriend (Who incidentally, is from the same province as ours. My grandfather used to work for them as their company doctor).

Like my TF, I was also born an illegitimate child (1990). My dad was estranged from his wife but they're not yet annulled. She has 2 daughters with her. Then in 1995 they were annulled, and my parents got married in 1996.

Another similarity I noticed is in 2005, which is the most erratic point in my adolescent. I rebelled by not going to school (partly because I was being bullied). I also found out that my twin also was kicked out of school because of drug addiction. So both of us didn't passed that school year and were delayed and both of us transferred schools. (Which later turned out to be a blessing in disguise for the both of us)

In 2006, my TF's mom was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. So she had to go to Singapore
& US for treatment, she survived. That same year, my dad was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease, unfortunately he died.

Aside from paralellism in timelines, I noticed some signs and connection that are related to my TF. Their home address is 155, ours is 154. I also found out that I share the same name as his nanny. The one who helped me get into the dental school, shares the same name as my TF. And our grandfathers were batchmates in the medical school. Even one of my friends revealed to me that their family doctor is my TF grandfather. One of our neighbors shares the name of my TF. In hindsight, I noticed that as time goes by, more and more connections are revealed and I see more signs related to him. Since I found out this TF connection, I see 11:11 rather frequently, almost everyday.

---

Felicity, I had a feeling I had missed a post of yours. I had.

I do remember reading somewhere ("Journey of Souls"? I'm not sure where...) that it isn't unusual at all for TFs to share similar childhoods/backgrounds. So what you shared fits with what I've read.

The 11:11 thing is something else. It's interesting to me that both my daughter and I notice this all the time and that when it began, was just prior to my "awakening" dreams of Jace. (And there are signs that she has also met her own TF; time will tell but she met him at fourteen and is still tied to him.) The 11:11s are still just as prominent.

As you've probably gathered if you read this whole thread, we've all been hit by the same or very similar experiences around one guy and those experiences point to TFs. Finding the common astrological markers is the challenge. (For me anyway!!!)

posted March 03, 2014 03:19 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by micole maree:
Felicity, I had a feeling I had missed a post of yours. I had.

I do remember reading somewhere ("Journey of Souls"? I'm not sure where...) that it isn't unusual at all for TFs to share similar childhoods/backgrounds. So what you shared fits with what I've read.

The 11:11 thing is something else. It's interesting to me that both my daughter and I notice this all the time and that when it began, was just prior to my "awakening" dreams of Jace. (And there are signs that she has also met her own TF; time will tell but she met him at fourteen and is still tied to him.) The 11:11s are still just as prominent.

As you've probably gathered if you read this whole thread, we've all been hit by the same or very similar experiences around one guy and those experiences point to TFs. Finding the common astrological markers is the challenge. (For me anyway!!!)

---

I'm pretty sure that this is the real thing (the synchronicities are too many to be ignored and I think coincidence is an understatement) I've seen a lot of guys whom I share some similarities but not like this. I think the synchronicities is like an ID card for you to be able to identify your TF. That's why I decided to share my experiences on this thread, and read as well as other's experiences who were/are in a TF connection. But right now I'm not doing anything drastic, as I've read that TF connections can turn disastrous and chaotic if the people involved are not spiritually mature. I want to nail this thing right on. So I'm entrusting everything to fate and thinking there must be a good reason we're not supposed to meet yet. But deep inside I feel that time will come when we will not be able to avoid this connection and finally meet. And I already met my near twin (which they say the one that 'grooms' you before you meet your twin flame, a college friend). I feel that the universe has an orchestrated plan to bring us together. As time passes by I can feel I'm slowly getting closer to him.

As for the astrological part, these are some of the things I've noticed in our charts (I think I've posted it previously):

*exact moon-saturn conjunction in synastry (I noticed he also has this natally) *exact jupiter-neptune opposition
*mars-venus opposition (synastry)
*moon-pluto opposition (synastry)
*DW 8th house overlays (synastry)
*DW contacts on the vertices (Asc-Vx, Venus-Vx, Eros-Vx, etc.)
*valentine, karma, union, juno, vega, pluto, saturn contacts
*full house 8th house in composite
*osiris-isis conjunction (natal-draconic)

posted March 03, 2014 06:08 AM              

quote:

---

Originally posted by micole maree:
I'm dying to hear from Ceri...

---

I`ve just arrived back at my appartment.

First thing I did was stepping onto my bathroomscale.
Always do, cause it amuses me, but whenever I have seen him (no matter how much junkfood I eat while being there), I seem to lose considerable weight.

But 2 kilos within 2 days? You`ve got to be kidding me!

Well, I suppose, if for nothing else, he has o be in my life for me to lose all the extra weight I don`t want anymore.

Of course I know the weigh will probably swing a bit higher again, as it always does.

But it`s relaly a routine. If I am somewhere off to see him, I lose a lot of weight. Like it is simply falling away.
On the other hand if I am not seeing him and something emotionally distressing happens, well ...

posted March 03, 2014 06:44 AM              

quote:

---

Originally posted by summerlite:
how did things go? Was getting worried for u.

---

Why were you being worried for me?

posted March 03, 2014 11:14 AM              

quote:

---

Originally posted by tgem:
Transits to our progressed composite on the day we met- 3/15/10 (orbs 3 and under):
Tr Jupiter conjunct tr Amor and sextile tr Juno
Tr Saturn @ 2Lib trine pVenus, square Pjuno and sextile pCeres
Tr Pluto conjunct pJuno
pJuno trine pChiron
Tr Chiron square pValentine
pUnion opposite pPsyche
TrVenus conjunct pUnion
TrNeptune trine pVesta and quincux Valentine
TrUranus opposite pVesta and sextile pValentine

Transits to my progressed natal:
TrSaturn conjunct pNN (pNN @ 2Lib exact!)
TrJupiter (conjunct trAmor and TrMoon) trine pJupiter
TrJupiter makes Tsquare with pSun/Eros/Union conjunction and pPallas/Vesta/Vertex conjunction
TrNN opposite pVenus/Valentine conjunction
PMoon conjunct pASC
PAmor square pJupiter
TrNeptune conjunct trChiron
pMC/IC axis making a Tsquare with pJupiter

Transits to his progressed natal:
TrSaturn sitting on 2Libra
TrNN conjunct Vega
TrVenus conjunct pVenus
TrNeptune conjunct trChiron - makes a Tsquare with pJuno and pAmor
TrJuno square pSaturn, sextile TrJupiter, trine pPsyche and opposite pUranus

---

That`s not what I meant.

Of course the transits to th composite are extremely important.

However what I was talking about was MAKING a composite of the transits that day and each persons natal.