posted March 09, 2014 06:39 PM            

GHOST OF YOU

Oh, I can't think.
Ghost of you's got me right on the brink.
No, I can't feel.
Nothin' about this seems real.

And I don't know why.
I even try.

'Cause no matter what I say,
Oh, I'm haunted anyway.
No matter what I do,
I can't escape the ghost of you.
Oh, the ghost of you.

And I can't go.
Though I know,
Yes, I know.
And I ain't gonna break through.
Though, everything's tellin' me to.

But I can't say,
Everything I want to,
All that I need to,
All I'm holding back anyway.
Anyway.
Oh, anyway.

No matter what I say,
It's in my way.
No matter what I do,
Thoughts of you,
These damned thoughts of you.
Why can't you see?

I'm haunted by your ghost,
Haunted by,
The ghost of you and me.
Yeah, the ghost of you and me.

And even if I wanted to -
No, I can't escape from you.
And even if I told you how,
I'd rather be anywhere else right now.
You know it's a lie,
You know it's a game,
You know it's a shame,
And there's no one to blame but you.
And me.

So why can't you see?

Oh, no matter where it is I go.
You're still with me, and so.
No matter who I try to find,
I'm still the woman you left behind.

And no matter what sh*t you put me through,
I still can't escape the ghost of you.
Oh, no, no.
Still can't escape the ghost of you.

Why is it that you can't see?
I'm haunted by your ghost,
Yeah, 'cause it's what I wanted most,
Now I'm haunted by the ghost,
Of you, and, me.

posted March 09, 2014 06:53 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by tgem:
^^ you hit the nail on the head..."the stare" has now officially been dubbed "x-ray vision"!!!

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posted March 09, 2014 07:00 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by tgem:
That hit a chord....💙

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Thanks. I had this Vonda Shepherd style with Pink edginess in mind for it. Bits of desperation mixed with the anger.

It was 3AM, during the month we would've been shooting, May, 2013. I'd officially detached from him two months prior, and everything hurt. Insomnia, rage ....

I was goofing around with a new photo editing app. God knows why, but, our photo. The only one with us together in existence, in front of the Shiva/Shakti panel at the restaurant we ate at 3 Jan 2012.

I started making it black and white, and blurry, and cooling the tone, and misty. Before I knew it, it was just this ghostly, faded, almost vintage-looking thing. Like an old, discarded photograph excavated from someone's past. It just happened to be my own.

And 'Ghost of You' was born. I felt absolutely haunted and lost.

posted March 09, 2014 07:18 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by tgem:
That's why I will always tell people, "he's the one and only person that scares the s**t out of me."

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I think it's context. More I've been thinking about it, really, yes, I panic when he calls. I tend to stare at my phone like it's suddenly radioactive and I can't decide if I should drop it and run or not.

But once, he loved me.

I could hear it in his voice. It was there in his words. Once, he wanted this realised; he was just too afraid then to make it happen.

So he kept lying. But then, one day, when he did so to my face - something in me snapped.

I told myself there was no way he felt for me the way I did him; not if he could lie to me, deceive me, directly to my face. I was already engaged, just a few months prior. It was the smart thing to do. But after THAT ... I made myself forget. I forced myself to move on.

Since then, it's still in his voice. EVERY time. But it's like some secret. Like some tacit understanding we don't discuss. Like something that can't go away, just as much as it can never be anything beyond it, either.

I think that hurts too much, that realisation hitting me in the face EVERY time he talks to me. The way he can't seem to speak to me in a tone he does with everyone else. How it's always strangely intimate, even flirtatious.

It's the fact it's meaningless that wrecks me. He doesn't get that, and I'm not sure if I should say it. We've already mercifully managed to seal one can of worms; that one would just lead to a greater mess. Again.

I think if it were different, or, the way it was, he wouldn't frighten me at all. He'd just be the guy I could say ANYTHING to, despite my being SUCH a private, introverted person, who also happened to find me the embodiment of his ideal woman. I would have zero fear, and be a portrait of patience, companionship and hope.

But that shattred - completely - 10 January 2013. It doesn't matter how it's like no time ever passes when we speak, and how no argument seems to have a lasting effect to where we can't carry on as if it never happened.

For me, it happened. Neither of us just want to discuss it. Ever.

So, I think, we pretend. And I find myself staring at the phone when he calls, my heart skipping a beat and stock-still. And I just watch it ring, staring at this shot of him I use for his avatar, from a show he did in 2012.

And then I hate everything for awhile, because I avoided him, AGAIN, but I feel entirely stuck because I can't fathom what else I can possibly do.

posted March 09, 2014 07:22 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ceridwen:

This repeated a few times, all the time the energetic shift getting more and more dense.
Naturally I KNEW he couldn`t be standing behind me, looking over my shoulder and distracting me from my work, but it was his energy pattern that I sensed. Right out of the nothing. I hadn`t even really been thinking of him before.

Well, eventually I realized that I wouldn´t be able to concentrate on my work anymore, until I figured out what this was about.

So I walked over to my couch to meditate (sometimes if htere is a shift like this in the air, my subconsciousness wants to remind me that I need to meditate. If I am stubbornly refraining from listening, I sometimes will get so tired, that I almost have to lie down, so usually I listen more carefully nowadays).
I did not lie down though, but just sat there and closed my eyes, and found myself like being zapped into a dream. LOL
Just like that. One second here, the other somewhere else.
That somewhere was a rather small appartment in a wooden house, in the midst of some hills, very sunny and warm, and just extraordinarily beautiful. Though I don`t know why the TV was on. lol
I didn`t pay attention to this though, but was actually finding myself standing in front of him, or him in front of me, and with a slightly puzzled frown looking up at him, and he smiled slightly embarassed, shrugged his shoulders and said: "I am sorry. I`ve just been thinking of you."

And there was this feeling of chakra-aligning as well, which I sometimes have when falling asleep, but not during broad daylight, usually.

Well, that was a weird fantasy, right?
Or was it more? It felt very real. But then again some fantasies might feel real, too.
But even if it was not more than some strange daydream, on behalf of my subconsciousness, it left me with this wonderful feeling of golden light again.
Why is there always this serene warm golden light permeating "dreams" of him?
maybe I should ask my subconsciousness what it wants to tell me by bathing us constantly in this goldenness. lol

Anyway I thought that was a fitting thing to share, on my 11111th post. lol

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I could have written this myself...And that warm golden/glowing light you speak of...it's been my experience too, and only with him...It's not a fantasy, it's happening.

So much shared experience in that post you made in response to Delilah as well... That one really touched me...

posted March 09, 2014 07:28 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by tgem:
Man I have been really off my rocker this last week...I don't know WHAT is going on with me...at first I thought I was hormonal but now...I don't know. So much sadness this past week. So much longing...I'm really ready for it to go dormant again..just numb. That's much better.

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Oh, I've been the same way entirely. It's ALWAYS hormones for me. Or, well, him. Usually hormones. 😉 I was thinking this is all that friggin' Pisces.

The Sun keeps flirting with Chiron, which I'm sure isn't helping. Is 11°-16° Pisces significant for you, tgem?

posted March 09, 2014 07:32 PM            

I apparently could emanate golden light soon after I was born. I wish I could now! 😉

That's beautiful, Ceri, and on the 11111th post, indeed!

posted March 09, 2014 07:41 PM            

I lied to Cusp indirectly about my feelings. Mainly through his wife. He would call me all the time and I would just stare at the phone completely paralyzed...then hate myself for not picking up.

I asked his wife why he calls me all the time and that if she considers me a threat to her marriage, she has nothing to worry about.

posted March 09, 2014 07:43 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ceridwen:
Besides as much as I admire and respect IQ and it always leads me to new insights, reading something of him, noone, not even him, can confirm my TF, except myself.

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YES! This is a message right here people...

quote:

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Actually before Mr Sag he also had confirmed Jude as my twinflame, and another guy. Probably some sort of very close soulcluster going on there. lol

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Soul group yes, most likely.

quote:

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However, as crazy as some of my experiences have been with others, too, noone beats Mr Sag in terms of crazy experiences. lol

"1. The state"
What do you mean by that?

"2. Chakras opening"
Yes. KUNDALINI RISING in capital letters.
After we first met I thought I was literally going crazy or dying. lol

Curiously, though by now of course I have gotten a little adapted to this, and it hasn`t been THAT strong like the first time aruond, last saturday though even though we did NOT talk to each other, I was experiencing this kind of electricity, almost as strong like after our first meeting, which I thought was a little weird. Why would it be that strong again after so many years?

"3. Multi-demensional awakening"
Avid visitor of the hypagnogic state now. Well always been, but I am more consciously doing it nowadays. Maybe it`S just fantasy though. lol

"4. Mole or spot on a finger? (That's kind of funny- like your branded to each "other)"

not that I know of.

"5. Falling ill after separating"
True for me.

Just after seeing him initially (and did not even become conscious of what was going on), I was falling ill but more so falling into deep depression, and suddenly frantically starting to wrap up all emotional residues from the past that were still blockin me (Tr Pluto was on my Sun as well).

I saw him 2 years later coincidentally, and the night after that, well, I suddenly was having a blind spot in my right eye, blood on my retina, which sounds worse than it is, it healted itself. But I jokingly was wondering: "What am I turning a blind eye to?"

After the real first meeting then, a few months later, I would suddenly have several bouts of Eye Migraine, which startled me quite a bit, but were harmless actually (however esoterically these are sometimes seen as symptoms of Kundalini Rising as well as opening of the chakras, especially third eye and crown-chakra, while your Ego is clinging to keep things closed - too much tension).

Over the next months, when I tried to turn back time, to return to how it was before, and stubbornly denying the impact he had on me, I would develop serious and persistent problems with my digestive system.

These only disappeared when I surrendered to the fact that there is no turning back this time.

And just last month I was suddenly feeling sick, without BEING sick; turned out that very day HE was being sick with a cold and needed to gather all the energy he could get to see through the show (of course he was working nevertheless, workaholic!).

Last saturday I was quite sick, as I mentioned, with dizziness and what else, and there was this moment when he was staring at me, and I am sure I got a little lsot in this moment, so canot really say for how long, but during it I felt like every cell of my being was being energized, and the dizziness just vaporized into nothing, and I have never felt stronger and more energizd before. It was almost like he had shared some of his energy with me.
Though maybe that, too, was just fantasy. LOL

No matter what it was, it felt pretty awesome. [/B]

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Again, much of this is echoed in my experience, and it's weird to be thinking of that now...the weight loss, the (sever) digestive issues....all of that. I never attributed it to this experience though...It did all happen when we (re)united though. I had also been infected with Lyme disease right before that, and he was the one to tell me, to insist that I go to hospital for that...He was the one to care for me (and he truly did take care of me...), the only one who was truly there for me...Saved my life, He did...And, it's interesting to note that one of the instances where his presence is most intense is whenever I am sick. Very intense.

posted March 09, 2014 07:51 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by IndigoDirae:
Oh, I've been the same way entirely. It's ALWAYS hormones for me. Or, well, him. Usually hormones. 😉 I was thinking this is all that friggin' Pisces.

The Sun keeps flirting with Chiron, which I'm sure isn't helping. Is 11°-16° Pisces significant for you, tgem?

:hugs:

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posted March 09, 2014 07:52 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by MorpHnStorM:
I could have written this myself...And that warm golden/glowing light you speak of...it's been my experience too, and only with him...It's not a fantasy, it's happening.

So much shared experience in that post you made in response to Delilah as well... That one really touched me...

BTW, Delilah, that was a lovely post you made too.

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posted March 09, 2014 08:00 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by MorpHnStorM:
Again, much of this is echoed in my experience, and it's weird to be thinking of that now...the weight loss, the (sever) digestive issues....all of that. I never attributed it to this experience though...It did all happen when we (re)united though. I had also been infected with Lyme disease right before that, and he was the one to tell me, to insist that I go to hospital for that...He was the one to care for me (and he truly did take care of me...), the only one who was truly there for me...Saved my life, He did...And, it's interesting to note that one of the instances where his presence is most intense is whenever I am sick. Very intense.

Astrologically, it makes me think of that exact t-Moon-Ceres conjunction, d-Moon-Pluto, and d-Sun-Ceres, among other things...

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@ Morph this is soooo weird!!! I just realized the connection as well! After I severed the relationship I feel extremely ill..feel into a deep deep depression. No amount of therapy or drugs or whatever was helping. Over that next two years my weight dramatically plummeted and I think I lost over 10 lbs. Coincidentally (or not so much) I had a feeling he was dealing with a significant amount of depression as well. I saw a recent picture of him on FB that he has lost AT LEAST 15 lbs.
wow! Yes, the digestive issues were huge...I couldn't eat for the longest time.

posted March 09, 2014 08:02 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ceridwen:
Morph,

thanks. I am glad what I wrote resonated.

Playing around with asteroids too:

We both have natally a conjunction of SAMADHI-ALFREDA; mine is on 6 and 8 Virgo, falling right onto my own asteroid LILTIH (6 Virgo) and HEKATE and RUDRA (8 Virgo).

It is sort of interestng, as Samadhi describes the state of true Yoga, that level of union and superconsciousness you can reach within deep meditation, and Hekate again is one who guides between the different dimensions/ realms. It seems to fit rather well.

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Exactly. I haven't gone back over the Vedic themes with other similar themes yet, but that Samadhi-Kama aspect just jumped out at me, because of Our experience with Hieros Gamos...and it's yet another link with this theme. There's more, but I haven't gone back to it log it all just yet.

quote:

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For him SAMADHI and ALFREDA are both on 8 Sagittarius,c onjunct his KAALI on 6 Sag -

So for me it is connected to RUDRA, for him to KAALI - and ONCE again this pairing comes up AGAIN in our synastry.

Not only is his KAALI apparently square my RUDRA, but in helio composite there is a conjunction of RUDRA at 7 Virgo and KAALI at 8 Virgo, and thus falling right onto my Samadhi/Alfreda/Hekate/Rudra - so I suppose it is me who - in a state of meditation or hanging around between dimensions (Samadhi and Hekate)- easily connects with this helio pairing of ours, actually with the connection there, I probably do not have a choice but to experience this, if the portal is open, it is open and things get through. lol

However, my SAMHADI/Alfreda/RUDRA also conjuncts his AMOR on 9 Virgo; Jupiter and Mars are on 10 and 11 Virgo, a little far away,

BUT it is compelting a pretty close Grand trine of his AMOR (9 Virgo) and CHIRON (9 Taurus) and my ISIS/OSIRIS (8 CApricorn)

It is of course also conjunct his name in his chart and opposite his EROS on 8 Pisces and my name in his chart on 9 Pisces.

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His SAMADHI/ALFREDA/KAALI on 8 and 6 Sagittarius are conjunct my ASC, ANGEL and LUST on 7 Sag and my ATLANTIS on 8 Sag, and using 2 degree orb conjunct my Neptune/NN on 10 Sag.

It is also opposite his own SOMA on 7 Gemini, which naturally is very exactly conjunct my DESC.

my SOMA on the other hand is on 24 Scorpio, widely conjunct my own VALENTINE on 27 Scorpio in my 12th house, and conjuncts HIS 12th house ruler Uranus at 23 SCorpio.
Apart from that it is trine his ASC,
so we have a DW of SOMA-ASC.

While I know that Soma of course has its meaning in Vedic mythology, for me Soma is mainly connected with being the complement of Aura, like in the sense of "somatic", it is what you feel inside your body, if you listen deep.
In this context it is probably no surprise that I feel him so strongly, he always triggers a somatic response it seems. But of course it could also be due to his Kaali on my ASC, who knows?

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my ALMA on 6 ARies is conjunct my IC and AURA on 4 Aries and CHARIKLO and MAGION on 6 Aries.

It is part of a Grand trine with my ASC-Mars-Lust from 5-7 Sag and HYPNOS on 6 Leo, no surprise that so much happens during my sleep I suppose. lol

Actualy my Draco HYPNOS is conjunct my Valentine, figures I think.

Obviously that means that my ALMA (as well as my HYPNOS) are both trine his SAMADHI/ALFREDA/KAALI-conjunction, while inconjunct my own SAMHADI/ALFREDA/RUDRA-conjunction.

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my KAMA falls onto a significant point, 16 Libra, as it is trine my Moon on 17 Aqua, trine my KARMA On 16 Gemini, and squaring my Saturn on almost 17 Cancer. So it is configured with a lot of karmic objects. Oh and quinkunx my JUNO on 16 Pisces.

BTW my YESHUA is on 16 Libra as well.

Mr SAg doesn`t really resonate to these degrees too much; however he has got a KAMA-AURA-conjunction on 14 and 15 Pisces in hisc hart, which very obviously is conjunct my JUNO and inconjunct my KAMA.

More importantly, it ties into my Grand Trine in Water:

his AURA and KAMA on 14 and 15 Pisces.
my JUNO on 16 Pisces
my 3rd/ his 12th house

my Saturn on 16 Cancer
my 8th / his 5th house

my MOIRA and SIVA on 14 Scorpio
my LANCELOT on 16 Scorpio
my 11th / his 8th house (right on his cusp actually!)

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I also checked NADA, representing "flow" and "sound"

my NADA Is on 28 Leo exactly conjunct PARVATI natally - and falling right onto his true LILITH on 28 Leo, opposing my true LILITH (and conjunct my true PRIAPUS obviously) on 28 Aquarius/Leo, being generous with orb you could say it is also conjunct his NN on 1 Virgo (and it is not even overly generous I think ).

My Nada is also exactly trine his Moon and MC on 28 Sag and closely trines his Sun on 27 Sag

his NADA is on 10 Libra and conjunct my Pluto on 9 Libra and a bit more widely conjunct my APHRODITE on 13 Libra and loosely trine my KAALI on 12 Gemini. (but the orb is 2,5 degrees, which I usually would not count for a trine between asteroids - in this case however I found it interesting that:

1. natally he has Parvati conjunct his SN and I put my Parvati synastrically at his NN.

2. natally I have Kaali conjunct my SN and he puts his KAALi near my NN synastrically.

In both cases, my natal KAALI and his natal PARVATI are retrograde, I interprete that that even though we encountered these energies in the past already, we obviously have missed a part of the lesson, and so we gotta refresh it, learn it again, and somehow he presents an opportunity for me to learn about KAALI, while I apparently present an opportunity for him to learn about PARVATI.

3. and now, NADA is configured with these, my KAALI and his PARVATI synastrically?
It is probably not a coincidence. And NADA representing sound, and obviously he is a singer, I mean, it seems to be a vehicle to transfer the message almost, doesn`t it?

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Yep, again, there is a correlation here

I'm glad you brought up Nada, because we have a DW Nada-Kaali aspect in our t-synastry that I'd asked about when I first got into this forum. It 's My Kaali- His Nada conj. exact (with my Chiron <2 degrees away) one way, and Nada-Kaali opp. exact (with his Pholus <2 degrees way) the other...

posted March 09, 2014 08:11 PM              

quote:

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Originally posted by tgem:
This is soooo interesting!!! So I wonder if it's true that once you come together with your TF that you actually start to "morph" to look similar to each other...kind of like having the parallel lives thing?

I have a picture of me and Cusp together about 6 months after we met...you can just see the physical similarities between us. Wish I could post it but due to privacy laws...oh well.

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Haha

Yeah, we already look pretty similar, facial features and bone structure wise lolol. Especially our eyes.
They say the eyes are the windows to the soul afterall )

Do you guys have similar body frames also?

I know,
It would be neat if we all could post our pics with them and see the similarities. hehe

posted March 09, 2014 08:22 PM            

It still floors me how much we're like these two. Oh, so much of it just cut me like a knife. Apparently, Sorkin was supposed to unintentionally expy Lane and Fiona while giving them an eerily familiar background to our own.

While it was our favourite show, damned hard to watch.

http://youtu.be/1qnZPXBOWU0

For the record, being unfaithful isn't in my nature. However, he feels horrendously betrayed, as, like the character in the series, he didn't make it clear to her that he was taking the relationship seriously. When she had an opportunity to be 'unrejected', she took it. And that's where they end up.

There's a great clip explaining that portion of it, too. But, really.

posted March 09, 2014 08:22 PM              

quote:

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Originally posted by tgem:
That's why I will always tell people, "he's the one and only person that scares the s**t out of me."

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posted March 09, 2014 08:25 PM              

quote:

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Originally posted by tgem:
@ Morph this is soooo weird!!! I just realized the connection as well! After I severed the relationship I feel extremely ill..feel into a deep deep depression. No amount of therapy or drugs or whatever was helping. Over that next two years my weight dramatically plummeted and I think I lost over 10 lbs. Coincidentally (or not so much) I had a feeling he was dealing with a significant amount of depression as well. I saw a recent picture of him on FB that he has lost AT LEAST 15 lbs.
wow! Yes, the digestive issues were huge...I couldn't eat for the longest time.

Tropical synastry:
His Ceres conjunct my IC and NN
My Ceres conjunct his sun

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I notice this a common theme with most of us, including myself...

posted March 09, 2014 08:32 PM            

Tropical composite:
Kaali semi-sextile Samadhi (0)
Nada square Kama (2)

posted March 09, 2014 08:36 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by IndigoDirae:
That show we used to watch together (yep, across the miles, we'd manage it), pretty much sums up why talking about it ... ehhh ... no.

It still floors me how much we're like these two. Oh, so much of it just cut me like a knife. Apparently, Sorkin was supposed to unintentionally expy Lane and Fiona while giving them an eerily familiar background to our own.

While it was our favourite show, damned hard to watch.

http://youtu.be/1qnZPXBOWU0

For the record, being unfaithful isn't in my nature. However, he feels horrendously betrayed, as, like the character in the series, he didn't make it clear to her that he was taking the relationship seriously. When she had an opportunity to be 'unrejected', she took it. And that's where they end up.

There's a great clip explaining that portion of it, too. But, really.

That's why we don't talk about it.

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posted March 09, 2014 08:40 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Lavender CrystalSwan:
Haha

Yeah, we already look pretty similar, facial features and bone structure wise lolol. Especially our eyes.
They say the eyes are the windows to the soul afterall )

Do you guys have similar body frames also?

I know,
It would be neat if we all could post our pics with them and see the similarities. hehe

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