posted September 23, 2015 07:54 PM            

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Originally posted by Dancing Maenad:
Yup, I feel like he's my best friend. I always thought that's something good to have in a relationship. Apparently, not always.

I have not checked midpoints. I think this is the first time since we've been together that I am really looking at the charts. There was never any time. Sounds serious, the Saturn on MP.

I treasure the good things. They are so, so very precious to me. I love what we have. But we also have to improve certain things (among others, that), or I'm just not sure if this has a future. It's great for growth, great for healing, but not sure it can be sustained for a long period of time.

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posted September 23, 2015 09:33 PM            

Its interesting that he has 7th house in Scorpio as that tends to attract a partner with a higher sex drive than your own and its interesting that I have Saturn in Scorpio, what a combo we have there!.

posted September 23, 2015 11:59 PM            

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Originally posted by Aubyanne:
Yep. Just racking up the weeks over here.

Last one was 3 months. Hope we're not looking to break our record this time.

It gets ... old.

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posted September 24, 2015 12:05 AM            

I have Saturn in Scorpio too, he has it in Capricorn (yes, a bit of an age gap there). It has limited sex for me, because of my fear of losing control. It's a constant battle but I learned to float on my back (literally; couldn't do it before because of aforementioned issue), so that's some bit of progress. Even though we are both abuse victims, my previous sexual partners are a 1 digit number, his are a 3 digit number. Very different approaches to the issue, but now it seems we're both frozen in this state. It's funny that neither even considers other people or even self pleasure. Talk about abstinence!! Technically, you could say he has the bigger sex drive (I even consider myself Gray-A), but lately it's been the opposite! The only constant seems to be that we're rarely on the same wavelength about this. No Venus-Mars in synastry for us, sadly, but a Moon-Mars trine from the top of my head.

posted September 24, 2015 02:00 AM            

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Originally posted by Dancing Maenad:
You too, Auby? I didn't know that.

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Technically, it's his SATURN in my 8H, but we've had sexual issues galore since the beginning. Luckily, rather than collapse beneath their weight, we got hardcore scientific about it. Then, after two years of that, suffered the consequences of 'sex in a controlled environment', then broke out of that, finally, genuinely making love, and experiencing such a passionate (two!) encounters, that he detached just slightly emotionally, as it was too ego dystonic for him to truly accept it.

Now, I'm not sure where we are. Schedules blew up (mostly on my end) and then the timing monster devoured us whole. We won't even be able to attempt again until this weekend -- oh, thank you, temps du mois! But it's already been three weeks, and before that it was three months.

I shouldn't care. Hell, I'm asexual. I just know what's really going on here, and it's hardly about sex. It's about the profound level of relationship -- of true intimacy -- that we're able to experience in that moment of total freedom, abandoning all logic and the inhibitions that bind us to these roles we play, almost constantly.

But I miss it sometimes. And I worry if we never clear this hurdle more consistently than months in between ... we never will. It's the oldest and worst karma we have; the root of everything that propels the cycle of violence -- or, in the case of here, detachment, due to the fear of being overtaken by it.

I know, I know. It just sounds dramatic. It probably is. I never felt that way before. I'd had plenty of sexual experiences -- including with him. But something happened late last month, and early this month. Something changed. Something became so powerfully real about us, and ... now all we do is run from it.

He runs just enough for it to matter, and I don't chase. I never do that. No matter who, or what; I don't chase. I stay exactly where I am -- no more, no less.

I just wish that ... he thought of it. Even a little bit. He once thought enough of it that he desired it so deeply, as to be fetishistic. But, I'll confess -- so did I. We both wanted it so much, and were so disappointed that we weren't able to manifest it together. That's why it finally happened. And it really was wonderful -- too wonderful. Too intense. Too powerful.

Don't mind me; ugh. I'm just emoting.

In short, I hear you, Mae. I relate. I empathise. Deeply. It's not the sex. It's the intimacy. That's the only way our intimacy is ever truly real. Otherwise, it's propriety and a wonderful, genuine friendliness. But that's the only time that I truly feel connected to him. And that ... that is such a phenomenal feeling.

I know the way it can leave you feeling so trapped. Even confused. And ... sad.

Maybe I just need to get it out. Let myself cry a little. Remind myself that it's okay to be sad when this happens.

I finally learnt how to lose control. And so did he. But only I've slowly taught myself to be able to accept it. He clearly hasn't.

I love that he's my best friend -- I absolutely do. But, if I'm going to be really honest with myself, I was so stunned when he made me his girlfriend that I couldn't allow myself to truly feel it for a long while. But then, one day ... I finally did. And I loved the feeling. Well, I loved the thought of it.

Years ago, he gave me a bouquet of white roses, during a very dark time for the two of us. When it came up again much later, he'd commented that 'the next ones would be red.' It was such a beautiful, powerful sentiment. The statement itself spoke volumes,

But I don't think they're coming. Ever. I don't know what this is anymore. I know that our purpose for being together is so much greater than these 'small things', but a big part of healing our karma is finally, finally loving each other -- really, truly loving each other.

I feel like glorified friends-with-benefits; that we're really just in a de facto relationship. And I know he isn't looking for anyone else; he's as in love with me as he's always been. So, I know it's not me, per se. I think it's him. I think this is just the way he is. It doesn't fit my schema of boyfriend. I feel a bit ... disappointed.

posted September 24, 2015 02:58 AM            

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Originally posted by Dancing Maenad:
Sometimes I feel like there's no more fight left in me. My mom died, I lost my job, tomorrow I will find out if my aunt has breast cancer (my mom's sister). I guess I feel like I'd like at least something to work without so much godamn effort. I'm mad at Saturn. But maybe we'll get a break during composite Saturn return. Or doesn't it work that way? With my luck lately..

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Oh, sweetie! SATURN has just seriously been kicking your ass six ways. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this!

posted September 25, 2015 03:53 PM            

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Originally posted by Ceridwen:
DM,

just stopping by to say I wish I could give you a big bearhug.
I am so sorry about what you have to be going through.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Aubyanne:
Oh, sweetie! SATURN has just seriously been kicking your ass six ways. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this!

: big hugs :

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posted September 25, 2015 04:32 PM            

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Originally posted by Aubyanne:

Now, I'm not sure where we are. Schedules blew up (mostly on my end) and then the timing monster devoured us whole. We won't even be able to attempt again until this weekend -- oh, thank you, temps du mois! But it's already been three weeks, and before that it was three months.

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Similar scenario on my end too. I work too much, by the time I'm done I'm grumpy and tired lol. I rather crash at my house with my cat most of the days. I need the quiet.

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I shouldn't care. Hell, I'm asexual. I just know what's really going on here, and it's hardly about sex. It's about the profound level of relationship -- of true intimacy -- that we're able to experience in that moment of total freedom, abandoning all logic and the inhibitions that bind us to these roles we play, almost constantly.

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You hit the nail on the head! Yeah, it's not about sex in itself. I have hoped and wished to have that experience with him, that complete surrender of all thought and logic. Hasn't happened for us/me yet. But yeah, I fully relate. It's about sharing my wildest and rawest self with someone I trust completely. Sounds scary just thinking about it lol. No wonder I can't pull myself to do it.

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I know, I know. It just sounds dramatic. It probably is. I never felt that way before. I'd had plenty of sexual experiences -- including with him. But something happened late last month, and early this month. Something changed. Something became so powerfully real about us, and ... now all we do is run from it.

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This also sounds very familiar. But you know what, you can't live your life solely on emotional highs - I know for one that I can't. It would drain me fast. I also need the random and the routine, the domestic and the simplicity of a single affectionate gesture. Yet I can't stay in that state for too long either. I worry we become static. I'd resent that.

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I just wish that ... he thought of it. Even a little bit. He once thought enough of it that he desired it so deeply, as to be fetishistic. But, I'll confess -- so did I.

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Sweet anticipation - strongest aphrodisiac on the planet. lol I miss that.

quote:

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It's not the sex. It's the intimacy. That's the only way our intimacy is ever truly real. Otherwise, it's propriety and a wonderful, genuine friendliness. But that's the only time that I truly feel connected to him. And that ... that is such a phenomenal feeling.

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*Nods*. I hear you too. But I guess one difference is I DO feel connected to him without it. Not all the time, yes, and perhaps not at such a deep level. Hmm.. I do wish I were, though.

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I know the way it can leave you feeling so trapped. Even confused. And ... sad.

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Frustrated more than anything. I've always had issues with sex. I just want them fixed, now. Each time I try and fail it's more frustrating. Then it gets sad. Then I feel like I don't know if I want to try again. Not anytime soon, anyway.

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Maybe I just need to get it out. Let myself cry a little. Remind myself that it's okay to be sad when this happens.

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You should, if that's what you feel. It IS ok.

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I finally learnt how to lose control. And so did he. But only I've slowly taught myself to be able to accept it. He clearly hasn't.

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That is my issue, right there. Not only I have no idea how, I'm also unable to accept it if it happens. I'm not yet sure what is happening with him, he says it's mostly anxiety. I don't think it's about his performance, it seems more like a fear of rejection. *sigh* We have so much work to do on ourselves.

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But I don't think they're coming. Ever. I don't know what this is anymore. I know that our purpose for being together is so much greater than these 'small things', but a big part of healing our karma is finally, finally loving each other -- really, truly loving each other.

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I feel like that's the secret of it all. We think too much, trying to put everything in a nice, socially acceptable box, instead of just allowing ourselves to feel. Overthinking it seems like your (mine too) way of detachment. After my Mom's death, I found I was unable to detach anymore. Sure, I still want to analyse, but something happened, I can't avoid feeling anymore. It's.. weird. And way too intense. I do feel like dulling it at times. But OHHH, I remember depression, that big black hole of numbness. I don't ever want to go there again. I'll just have to educate myself to adapt to this new... feeling business.

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It doesn't fit my schema of boyfriend. I feel a bit ... disappointed.

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I can relate, actually. I can't shake it, I do feel disappointed. But for different reasons and especially when I try to insert our relationship in a more conventional social context. It just doesn't fit there. I'm not sure I am willing to take on the world by defending my choices. But outside any sort of pressure of fitting into a society, the relationship actually works like this. And I am happy in it, like this! Isn't that all that matters? We shouldn't care about terminologies and titles, nor about how others see us as a couple. Apparently, feeling is all that matters.

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Perhaps there's a thing such as exclusive friends-with-benefits? I feel that's what we are.

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posted September 25, 2015 04:48 PM            

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Originally posted by LaceyLeigh:
Can you post your Davison chart?

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I can, but Saturn is still in the 8th.

Here it is..