posted October 21, 2024 06:49 PM            

Synastry: http://ibb.co/SwNDwYp (I'm inside, he's outside)

Composite: http://ibb.co/42g2Cy4

We "met" online when we were 14-15 and got into an LDR when we were 15 and 16 when he admitted he liked me and asked me if I felt anything. It was my first and his second relationship (his first straight relationship though, he used to feel he was bisexual), so there were tons of ups and downs naturally. I had no idea what I wanted out of a relationship or a boy; I was just a teenage girl who liked him and pined for him for almost a year because we liked the same music and interests lol. It lasted for about 4 years with many weeks and even months on and off (during which both of us had one other relationship, but eventually broke up and somehow got back together with each other) always because of him leaving after a fight. But he'd always come back begging, crying and even threatening. Always talking about how he could never love anyone else, how we're star crossed lovers, how he can't stop thinking or dreaming of me etc basically. I'd always take him back (except for one last time.)

We had so much in common and the intimate side was beyond-this-world passionate but also dark and tbqh super addictive (we liked it anyway, but I'm trying to deprogram myself of those desires/kinks). Because we were so young we pretty much moulded each other. It felt like the we almost always knew how to act for one another, almost like reading minds. Just electric. We know more about each other than anyone else had or probably will tbh.

Although I was the typical "crazy girlfriend" in the beginning, after a while he became very possessive, jealous of other men and obsessed, which I honestly loved and still do. When he'd come back after a breakup he'd sometimes talk about how he'd have thoughts of abducting me (impossible because we're in different countries although we did share addresses). Twice during arguments during the later years, he'd admit he wanted to hit or choke me. That got me really ****** and he was immediately super apologetic.

I kind of fell out of love towards the end and put him in a long friendzone for many months, at the end of which in late 2015 he got ****** and we blocked each other after some mutual harsh words out of nowhere. I kind of grew apart because I was getting into the real world, real responsibilities, and he refused to get even a GED or a stable job, refused getting mental health help, amongst other things, and I was 19-20, and other men started paying me attention and courting me for marriage (when we were broken up). So I put my foot down and didn't take him back for that one last time. I also craved physical touch and closeness (but not THAT kind; I'm somewhat religious and still celibate) and was tired of long distance; I wanted to be married and have kids, yet without a steady job it was impossible for him to do anything although we were e-"engaged" early on and talked about dying old together all the time. I have dated, no relationships though, but I have liked and cried over other men. So it's not like I can't like anyone else or see a marriage and kids with anyone else.
But my adult self feels bad for him and I empathise with him; he also had an unstable childhood like I did. I don't hate him or love him but I feel guilty for inflicting emotional pain through my harsh words that had an impact on his self esteem. I'll admit that I often wonder "what if" and also that the lust part creeps in, but only because it was extremely emotional. I crave intensity in all forms, and he offered it. That may also be because I have ADHD, idk; I am medicated, but I'm still the same old me, just better lol.

Lately I found myself thinking of him when a friend and I spoke about a band which he loved and this one song which was just soul crushing and I cried that day feeling bad/guilty. I was curious, because he was mentally unstable and I was always worried he'd harm himself. I found his new fb and thankfully he seems okay, at least he's alive and unharmed, also has had at least two, rather short, relationships that I can see. I even wrote poetry inspired by us. That was last year. I went thru his page every now and then out of curiosity. I shared a post to my fb 2 days ago and when I checked today...he shared the same post. I'm lowkey spooked but also... intrigued. Oh he's in a relationship (...with a 52 yr old woman old enough to be his mum). Can someone please look at our synastry and composite charts and shed light?

posted October 22, 2024 08:01 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Randall:
Remove the "s" after http for the link to work.

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