posted February 20, 2005 09:50 PM              

Hi Pixie

Well since I last wrote I've thought about some things differently and now my take on the subject of guys and their umm..sexuality affecting relationships has changed a bit. In my opinion... First off, there is no such thing as the typical guy because they are all very different and unique. I have met many guys who Do meet me with their sexual energy first and many who meet me with a more friendly, "wholesome", subtleness. I have always been drawn to the latter because I care very much for having a emotional, mental AND physical chemistry with a person. I find when I meet more sexually aggressive men (All this pertaining to the single me ) its harder to get to know them and act like myself. Granted whenever a girl needs an ego booster, you can always count on them to come to the rescue!!! haha But anyways yea it frustrates me when I'm first talking to someone who's obviously quite interested sexually or being stripped by one's eyes to feel they are genuine or care to know me. I can't help but get the impression that this guy is a player or is just consumed with sex and nothing else. To me that kind of suffocating sexuality is too much, it leaves no room for the sweeter, more subtle gestures of love or friendship. Well friendship is usually out of the question for them. Tell me you know which guys I'm refering to. Of course ya do, your also very alluring to the opposite sex. Anyways thats just not what I'm looking for in my life..so my choices are to let them bother me (because I feel uncomfortable) or excuse their behavior (as irrelevant to me and my life). I think I was taking it personally before, when it isn't personal at all. They will be what they are for whatever reason..my guess is they had no strong women role models and are therefore more susceptible to gender roles in media..and umm the internet "media" haha.

Also I think our perceptions are different because of our individual relationships. Like this problem of mine was really exaggerated with my current relationship. My exes had all treated me very differently (all being fire signs..this one is a virgo), they were all much more demonstrative and basically crazy about me giving me the upper hand. Though what I really want is equality. In this relationship my guy was very affectionate in the beginning to win my heart, but it seems once he had it..he thought he could take our relationship for granted. He is the type that just wants to be comfortable with the stability and convenience of Love without needing the perks of romance and heart to heart communion. My romance starved Leonine heart was very hurt by this. Then I saw him staring at girls when I moved here( I moved to CA to be with him in Jan 04, we had had a 6 mnth long distance thing) on top of feeling a bit neglected and unappreciated, so his looking made me feel undesirable. I connected those two things, he's looking at other girls and neglecting me..that means I'm not good enough for him and because of his sexuality, I will never completely have his whole heart. How could he have room for other girls too?? Then whenever I tried to leave, he would cry and ask, how could you not see my love??! I asked you to marry me! I call you 5 times a day! I dropped all my friends for you! and then I end up feeling guilty for thinking that and things got better for a while, but then I'd start feeling neglected again. Even after he has stopped looking so intensely at girls, I don't feel completely secure. So I've come to the conclusion that the amount of security you feel with someone greatly effects how jealous you are. That sounds like common sense but obviously not..sense many girls wonder why they are jealous and their friends aren't...including myself. Talking to you and Trillian, I was beginning to feel like I had this problem with jealousy, but I don't think we're that different after all. You said you had been jealous, but not in this relationship. Also I can't help but paint the picture of you having a bit more of the upper hand in the relationship. Correct me if I'm wrong. Because you said your off doing your thing and he wants you home more. And other similar things you've said. So naturally your take on guy's fascination with women will differ from mine. In your mind, other women just aren't a threat to your Love life. They really weren't in mine either, but they way my fiance was treating me vs them did threaten me and my sense of security. So I may have overexaggerated the male sexuality problem by selectively focusing on male s lut s, and everything relating to it. Its all around to see, but I was ignoring the other half of the world.

Now that my fiance and I are becoming much more loving to each other after so many bumps and bruises, I finally see the beauty of men all around me. I see the kind, caring, friendly ones. And I see my fiance is more than just his umm..genitalia haha. Honestly I forgot that for a while. He was this sexual, cave man who thought of nothing but boobs and butts all day. We seriously almost fell apart (believe it or not) because I forgot that I even loved him. I was sooo sick of men, sex, other women...suddenly the world was a sexual conspiracy plotting to ruin my life and make me insecure. Extreme I know, but thats where this whole thing took me. Not a fun place. But while I was there, I discovered things that are undeniable...things like gender roles, media roles, women's overall insecurity due to the constant scrutiny of ads, and men's "Visual natures", male sexuality dominance, etc.. I could go on forever. These things are there all around you if your eyes are open to it..and mine were WIDE open for a while.

I am finally in a better place in my relationship, so my glasses are not so tinted with all of those message bombardments. I finally see the sunshine again. And yes Trillian, it was because my perception changed. But does changing ones perception to an accepting, all encompassing view, make the world anymore fair than seeing it through critical, emotionally negetive lenses. Your bias either way, your only selective on what truths to pick out, no?

Well the moral of the story, men can be beautiful creatures who compliment our lives and bring us undescribable bliss with a strong sexuality that sends chills down your spine. Other times they can create insecurities in us by lusting after other women because they biologically can't help it, neglect our beauty, and miss the whole concept of two hearts beating as one, and fantasize about what they don't have with an insatiable appetite for more women and more sex. Both of these shades of men exist and then some shades in the middle. No man is the same. No woman is the same. And our perceptions have everything to do with it.

I hope that made some sort of sense to ya. Thanks for really thinking about what I said and I'm really sorry it took me so long to respond. Look forward to hearing what you think.

posted February 21, 2005 03:55 PM            

quote:

---

Other times they can create insecurities in us

---

I respectfully disagree. Men don't create insecurities in us. We create our own insecurities. Just as I create my own confidence, I create everything else about me. We either allow, or disallow, a man to affect how we feel.

Do I care if a boyfriend looks at other women? Nope. Do I care if he buys another woman a more expensive present than one he buys me? Probably. Doesn't make me feel insecure, but probably would p*ss me off and inspire me to reevaluate the relationship. That's my choice. Always my choice.

We can't rely on anyone but ourselves for our sense of well-being.

quote:

---

But does changing ones perception to an accepting, all encompassing view, make the world anymore fair than seeing it through critical, emotionally negetive lenses

---

Is making the world seem more fair your primary objective? How you see the world is always your choice. How you see it, is how it IS.

quote:

---

I embrace change in a more fixed way

---

posted February 21, 2005 09:48 PM              

I agree that whatever you see in the world does make it your particular, unique reality. You can make your world beautiful or ugly, kind of threatening..it IS our choice. BUT there are certain realities which are there whether we regard them or not. I have a very extreme example of a reality that could not be ignored..slavery. Would you tell the african slaves to change their percpective or would you tell them to change their world, and fight for their rights. All revolutionary change that has taken place has come about from people addressing the problems of society and fighting back. You for example think prostitution should be legal..you are finding fault with something in our culture. Am I any different for finding fault with the direction sexuality has taken in pop culture? I do believe though that its my choice to let it bother me and get me down, in that case it would be beneficial for me to accept things the way the are while being aware of how they could be...or why they are that way.

Hey Pixie

Yea I really have grown a lot in this relationship. Its definitely been a long bumpy, curvy..road, but I don't know if I would have learned so much without the challenges he has brought me. I've had to face a few of my biggest fears head on and see them for what they are. Moving across the country for him was a huge chance to take, but I guess that made it even more exciting for us. And it makes a beautiful love story I am actually a pretty spontaneous person, especially in my love life...which is kind of funny being a fixed Leo with Tuarus moon.

Thats a great attitude you have with your relationship, to always be open to growth. I believe that a healthy marriage nurtures that and does allow each person to pursue their own dreams and remain true to themselves while contributing their love and life's lessons to the other person. Your marriage seems to be a very nurturing environment for both of you. I'm sure with your encouragement, your hubby make more of a place of his own, so that your a little freer to blossom without guilt. It doesn't sound like a big deal for you guys though. Especially sense you can communicate with each other. Gosh communication is sooooooo important, when its there it makes things flow so much smoother and it really connects you. After having a nice heart to heart my babes, I feel like any tension we may have had just melts away and I can see his eyes clearly again and my love for him just rushes over me, leaving me so sure of us and our future. Its amazing what really opening up can do

You are very wise Pixie, I think that no matter what happens in your marriage, you and your hubby seem to have the right mentality to be able to handle it. Being so open with each other is a beautiful thing you guys have.

Monica

posted February 22, 2005 09:22 AM            

quote:

---

Would you tell the african slaves to change their percpective or would you tell them to change their world, and fight for their rights.

---

They did change their perspective, and they did change their world.

posted February 22, 2005 09:43 AM            

quote:

---

You for example think prostitution should be legal..you are finding fault with something in our culture. Am I any different for finding fault with the direction sexuality has taken in pop culture?

---

We are One, but we are not the same.

Do I find fault with something in our culture? Is that what I have done?

posted February 22, 2005 12:47 PM            

I agree with trillian. No matter what somebody tells you about yourself, in the end, it's up to you whether or not you believe them. And if you find yourself in an oppressive situation, it's still up to you to find your way out of it by realizing that you deserve better and by showing respect for yourself. Imagine how it could be first and then make it that way.

posted February 22, 2005 02:27 PM              

Yes the african slaves did change their percpective in order to find the courage or reason to make change. All I meant to imply was that not everything in the external world is as it should be and it is up to us to get "out of the oppressive situation" and pin down the reasons we are there.

Trillian by thinking prostitution should be legal, you are disagreeing with a common law. Is that not finding fault. There is nothing wrong with finding fault with certain things, we must think for ourselves and not always conform to the ways of the world. However we can accept them like I said in order to get along better and be happier with our lives.

Eleanore, I agree with you when you say that usually the insecurity starts within yourself and is only emphasized when others in your life mirror that insecurity. I didn't mean to imply otherwise. Yes the man I love did mirror some sort of insecurity, but it was also external because I did not agree with his attitude with women. And it did effect me. i didn't have to let it, but its very hard when your attached to someone that way to not let their attitudes effect you. I loved him and I had to choose which was more important or if he wanted to change or be open to my way of thinking on that particular subject. There are certain fundamental things that you just should have in common with your partner, and for me that was one of them. I need lots of attention and to know how beautiful I am to the man I'm with (inside and out), I need to be adored and adore them. I don't need it for survival, but I WANT it in my relationship. I love being really romantic and being smothered with attention, its just nice to have. He simply was not used to this way, but fortunately was very open to it and has met me in the middle. So I think it was a combination of things, I was facing a deep rooted insecurity, but I also faced it because of his behavior. My ex boyfriends had never made me feel that way, they showed me how crazy they were for me, so I never felt insecure with "our relationship". It doesn't always mean you are insecure with yourself either when something in the relationship makes you feel uncertain.

posted February 22, 2005 03:58 PM            

quote:

---

not everything in the external world is as it should be

---

I respectfully disagree. Everything is exactly as it is. And should everything change, everything will still be exactly what it is and should be. And by being, everything sanctions itself.

Change your perspective, and you change the world.

posted February 22, 2005 04:31 PM              

I'm glad we are handling this debate so well We are being respectful of each others feelings and not getting personal. Many can't do that, so thanks. I do have a lot of respect for you Trillian, your opinions are very thoughtful.

posted February 22, 2005 09:06 PM              

Sorry, I promised myself I’d shut up - but I need an excuse to stay away from my desk.

I hate to over simplify but here goes…

LSH, I feel your desire for attention is natural for a Leo. Not that I’m saying Leos are the only ones like that - my aunt ( she’s pretty young ) is a Leo. To her, being showered with attention is only a natural part of a healthy relationship. She also gives back this attention.

I know many Leos, and they’re only really happy when someone pays attention to them. I think every sign has a weakness in relationships - I guess this is the weakness of Leo. It could be worse - your weakness could have been jealousy or possessiveness.
Besides, everyone feels insecure once in a while, especially when young - it’s not like you have to see a psychiatrist

Of course you’re the Leo not me so please tell me if I said something wrong.

Change your perception, and you change the world.

The way you see the world is how it is. Not literally of course - I mean if someone thinks that they’re the centre of the Universe well then…it’s not gonna happen is it? Think of it this way - look at me, I’m positive and look at the world as a mostly good place with many good people, so this is what my world becomes. I know this girl who is soooo pessimistic, her world is filled with evil people, murders, war etc

Now both our worlds contain truths - only they’re exaggerated. I believe we create the world around us, your world can be positive, negative or both. What your world’s like depends on many things, including your own experiences. Then the way you view the world will then rub off on others, be it +ve or -ve.

“Success is a journey, not a destination.”

Sitting at home and “ thinking the world better ” will not make a change - and I pray no one is saying that. If Martin Luther King , Mandela, Ghandi and all the greats sat around and thought positively…well then, the world would be a mess. You have to decide how you’ll get there - not just what you want.

Change your perception, and you change the world.

This is the first step, not the only step. For you to succeed in anything you must start with your mind. If two athletes with equal talents are training for a race and the first thought “ I’m gonna win ” but the second thought “ this is too hard, I can’t do it ” who’s going to win? Sorry, I’m kind of stating the obvious here, lol, it’s late.

I’m not sure if this is what trillian meant by changing the world but this is what I got.

Don’t get me wrong, I do believe in positive energy. You know, if you think yourself better then you can heal. Unless you have a large scale of people thinking positively, it’s unlikely any one person or small group can make a change. Unless your mind or minds are super powerful.

I can understand why you see the world the way you do LSH. I think young people are too easily influenced by the media, including myself. The media is a business, they’ll do anything to sell - which explains the lack of morality. If raping was considered cool they’ll advertise it ( in a subtle way ). A lot of things advertised ( not all ) is aimed at white men, between the age of 18-45 ( or something like that ), who are from the first world, middle class or above and are straight. Maybe they consider everyone else to be the minority!!! Don’t let this depress you, the world is moving one step backwards and two steps forward - otherwise women would be in the kitchen and slavery would still be around. I know some of that still exists but at least the world is changing - compare fifty years ago to today.

OK it’s late and I have to go to bed and to you all. Oh! And if there’s something wrong with what I said feel free to say something - I’m always up for learning and growing

posted February 23, 2005 02:11 AM              

(I'd abbreviate, but I like that name haha)

I can't say much now because I have an exam tommorrow, but I had to write back. Yes I admit, I am a LEO at heart. I soak up attention and admiration, it is my achilles heal So yea you were right on when you said that. Luckily my Virgo baby has turned into an astro believer because he can't deny he IS the ESSENCE of a VIRGO!! So I bought him Sun Signs, upon his request and he has enlightened himself on the ways to a Leo's heart. Well the one way..hehe.

Yea I am in total agreement with you about the Perception thing. By changing your perceptive..you can make your world a sunnier place, you can create more opportunity for positive things to manifest, you can rub off on others, and your thoughts will contribute to the collective concious...but there are limitations. You cannot create massive change by thinking happy thoughts..alone. And we were not meant to embrace all the ways of the world, we were meant to think for ourselves..sometimes to change your percpective is to blind yourself to something that could or should be addressed. If you want change, you def have to put in the mental and physical effort.

I'm so glad you understand where I'm coming from on media's influence. I feel like so many women are being fed these images and are showing all the signs of being effected and yet deny that they could be susceptible. Granted some women are happy with culture, and it becomes their attitude so they are not lying when they say their ways are their own. However media's power is quite effective over us..especially when we're not aware of it...

I agree that the advertisers market straight males much of the time. Just look at all the sex symbols you see. Most of what is targeted at women is beauty enhancing products. So of course in order to sell these items, women must be made to feel insecure. That IS their strategy when they shove Tyra Banks or Giselle in your face. And lets ask why do women care so much about being fat...why do we torture ourselves in the mirror, spend so much on cosmetics and beauty??? hmmm The answer is right there in plain sight, if people would just look. Then being aware, we can filter it.

We hardly recieve exposed men in the ads targeted at us as men do with women. Why? Simply because we were repressed sexually for so long, many of us forgot what we find so irresistable about the male anatomy. And we aren't supposed to be so sexually inclined to objectify the bod so much. (though we sometimes do ) Also many magazine agencies and sex oriented companies admit that displaying men all over would create insecurity in them. Haaaaaaaaaa!! Men have been taught for ages how to turn females into sex symbols and use their beauty as a measuring stick for their worth. Also to see a female body has for so long been associated with SEX. Some men cannot look at it otherwise. To me that is sad. Now more and more women are literally selling their bodies to prove their attractive,and of course for the money. I have a friend who said if she has a son, she's going to teach him the word Vagina at a young age and educate him on all that is woman and her true essence, not to evaluate her on her Assets.

Oh and something that really comforted me today was turning on the Tv to see the end of One Tree Hill. One of the cool, hot girls on the show was actually giving a speech on the way women are expected to be in society and on the lost value of Love. It was so wonderful to hear that coming from a hit TV show shown to young, impressionable viewers. I almost wanted to cry. She was like " men can be fat, unattractive and ..sexual, but a female can't" and "what happened to treasuring true Love?" I can't reiterate it, but you get the idea. I just didn't know anyone else did.

I'm so sorry for rambling, I just couldn't stop once I got started. Its just nice to have someone to hear me. well nighty night, I'm going get some rest now..my last exam is tom! Talk to ya soon hun

posted February 23, 2005 09:38 AM            

quote:

---

. But not everything that is set in motion needs to be accepted and embraced.

---

It doesn't?

quote:

---

You were pretty much asking me to embrace the sexuality of this culture by advising me to change my perspective on it.

---

Was I?

quote:

---

The way you see the world is how it is

---

Indeed.

I enjoyed your thoughtful post, Neptune's Mermaid. My personal jury is still out on whether we can 'think' the world better. Perhaps we do every moment of every day. Perhaps we 'think' the world exacly as it is.

For by thinking that all is right with the world, both good and bad, then it is a step towards seeing all things as a perfect totality, All as One. That all things are a Piece of a Part of a Whole.

We love to say "All things happen for a reason." It's comforting, isn't it? And if it's true, there is no true right or true wrong in the world, there is only what Is and What Must Be. Who am I to determine the worth of another's life and karma? I can only experience my own.

Leo Sweetheart...I perhaps have challenged your view of the world, but I would defend to the end of days your right to see what you want to see.

quote:

---

And we were not meant to embrace all the ways of the world, we were meant to think for ourselves.

---

Are we not meant to embrace all the ways of the world?
Are these two things mutually exclusive?

But I always reserve the right to change my mind. About anything and everything.

posted February 23, 2005 09:41 AM            

quote:

---

. One of the cool, hot girls on the show was actually giving a speech on the way women are expected to be in society and on the lost value of Love. It was so wonderful to hear that coming from a hit TV show shown to young, impressionable viewers. I almost wanted to cry. She was like " men can be fat, unattractive and ..sexual, but a female can't" and "what happened to treasuring true Love?"

---

posted February 23, 2005 07:46 PM              

Monica

PS ~ I think we've been debating for a while now and I'm beginning to feel its useless, though it can be fun We both have great views and its not my intention to change your mind or mine.. Though I have learned a bit and maybe you as well, I'm starting to get a sense of being divided. I don't get on this site for that. I like the loving, happy atmosphere and this is getting too serious for me. Besides your making me think too much, that can't be good for me So I am going to gracefully bow my head and say: let's agree to disagree one last time. Let's be happy! I'm sure your not bothered but sometimes I get a little sensitive..thats just me.

posted February 25, 2005 10:24 AM              

I feel like a psycho stalking this thread I never leave

LeoSweetHeart, I think your posts are thoughtful They’re lovely to read. Yes you‘re right, lets agree to disagree and move on from this thread. It’s too serious - therefore not fun.

We should make up

posted February 26, 2005 09:24 PM              

I'm glad your stalking this thread, its nice to have you here. You can stalk me anytime hehe Yea very good idea to let this thread die..didn't you suggest that like a long time ago?? We should've listened to you.

Oh thanks for saying my responses were thoughtful. I needed to hear that, could you tell? Thats why I love you sensitive Pisceans. And your thoughts are always insightful too

Well see ya in another thread sweets