posted September 09, 2008 06:58 AM         

The problem is, I was hit rather frequently as a child and despised my mother for it. I decided to raise this child without hitting, although my husband disagrees and occasionally gives our son a slap on the hand or the foot (which KILLS me, I cannot even watch). Threatening to take away toys is the only thing that works (but only temporarily) with this child. He doesn't seem to learn his lessons and therefore repeats "no no" behaviors at home. He makes a mockery out of "Time Out", talking and laughing the entire time, and resists my comments to him to "stop talking and just sit there."

Last night he asked me to open the lid on a cup of yogurt for him. I didn't come fast enough, so he hurled the yogurt across the living room, aiming for the TV cabinet. Of course, it opened and I had yogurt splattered on everything. His answer: "It was the only way I could think to open it by myself." I had to try hard not to laugh, even though at the same time I was angry. So I did the time out thing, and he mocked it the entire time.

posted September 09, 2008 03:55 PM         

I'd say I don't know overall, but that others say you're creating a monster makes me think that maybe you are. That assumes that he acts out with them present as opposed that they hear you're a no-spank parent (but if the latter, then they're just being dogmatic--not ALL children need to be spanked, though some obviously won't respond to anything less).

And as for tip, yes I can help you with that. I was raised with my parents and my Granny. I got smacked around in both, and I still hold a grudge against my parents but love my Granny. The difference is that granny was tough but FAIR. Even when I saw her as wrong, I knew she TRIED to be fair and was fair to the best of her ability. In contrast, my parents didn't hit to discipline me, they hit because they had no impulse control. They weren't fair, they were hypocrites. The rules (and their consequences) weren't consistent with them so that I wasn't ever sure what I could do and what would happen to me as a result.

IOW, consistency is the most important thing--ie, not "laughing it off this time because I'm in such a good mood" or "normally I'd warn him, but he's such a brat I think I'll just whomp him now." You're the adult, so act like one and show discipline yourself. Also of extreme importance: be a good example. Do NOT practice the all too common parental philosophy of "do as I say, not as I do," or he won't respect you--and you won't deserve his respect anyway. Letting him know he's loved, even when he's being disciplined (including spanked) is important. Being fair to the best of your ability and trying to see things from his PoV is also important.

From my experience, Granny did all that I advise to do and I don't hold ANY grudges against her. My cousin lived with her a lot and she spanked and whipped him quite a bit and he doesn't hold any grudges either, even laughing about "how mad she was" (not that she was "out of control"). He'll also be the first to say he deserved it (most of the time--but he got away with more than he was caught for so he doesn't hold grudges over the few mistakes, either). He likes to brag that it helped toughen him up, too.

posted September 10, 2008 09:34 AM         

good luck

posted September 11, 2008 09:30 AM         

I'm no expert because I'm not a parent but one thing that stood out for me is this:

quote:

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He makes a mockery out of "Time Out", talking and laughing the entire time, and resists my comments to him to "stop talking and just sit there."

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Is it possible you could do a time out when you are close but not physically present for him to make a mockery of it? ie, around the doorway in another room? What he's doing by mocking you is attention seeking and if you are responding to the mockery by saying "stop talking and sit there" then he is winning the attention-seeking game. Maybe try a time out where you just ignore his behaviour until he calms down? It will require a lot of self-control, but hey, if it avoids a slap then great. I was slapped as a child, but only by my father "Wait til your father gets home" sort of thing, so he didn't have a full comprehension of why I required a slapping, he didn't see the scene. I still remember every single incident and still feel outraged!

posted September 25, 2008 06:56 AM         

It's important to use one place as the time-out place and stick to it. She calls it the 'Naughty Step', and uses the bottom of the stairs, which might not be suitable. A small chair would do. Don't know what I think about that phrase, but hey ho.

It's important not to overuse the time-out as a tool. Last resort, either for repeated warnings that get ignored, or if the issue is immediately serious (eg hitting a sibling/you or damaging something).

It's important that your child understands why you're doing a time-out. State clearly to him "You are having a time out because you did X and I don't like that behaviour and you will sit there for 3 minutes" Not that he would necessarily have a concept of 3 minutes but he need to know it's not forever. Remember that you should focus on "I". "I" don't like that behaviour, rather than the passive "That behaviour is bad".

If he gets up before the three minutes is up, put him back there again. Don't speak to him. If your child won't stay in the time out place you have to keep putting him back there, physically if you need to, but don't engage in conversation. This could go on for hours, you need to be prepared for it. Your will has to be greater than your childs.

If he manages to sit in the time-out as directed, go up to him, ask him to tell you that he is sorry. If he does that give him a hug and go and do something nice.

posted September 29, 2008 11:39 PM         

You survived the 'terrible twos', but by 3 and a half, I though there would be some settling into consequences by then.

Wheelofcheese's reference to Super Nanny's methods are ideal. Keep you own emotion out of it. Be quite cognizant when placing a child in Time Out (if you can).

Think of it as 'training'. Breaking in behaviour is like breaking in a horse. You must be firm and consistent, or risk being thrown off and not completing your goal.

Even though it is suggested that Time Out is equivalent to the age of the child eg, 3 years = 3 minutes, try to extend the time to another minute if the desired behaviour isn't presenting itself.

It is ideal that a child exits Time Out being calm and receptive, rather than mocking and antagonistic.

Also, it's necessary to show displeasure at undesirable behaviour. Once the child is calm and receptive, you may say in a stern voice "throwing yoghurt is the wrong choice. It makes a mess and it's something a boy who is nearly 4 doesn't do". That's all..!! Show your displeasure and then get on with a positive distraction.

Many parents these days are not wanting to spank due to a new look at parenting, peer pressure not to, and in some cases, legal retribution.

Here's some platitudes that I reflect on at times around children:

** spoil the rod, spoil the child
** walk away
** don't let a child rule the roost

Dr Stephen Poulter's book "The Mother Factor" states that mothers need to be mothers not friends to their children, otherwise their children become 'motherless'.

Author Rose Rock says in her book "Mama Rock's Rules":

quote:

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At no time should you let your children disrespect you or treat you like a buddy. Everyone wants their children to like them but parenting is not a popularity contest. I don't need to be a 12 year old's friend, but I do need to be their protector, guide and warden. Otherwise, it's a cop-out"

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Rose Rock is mother of 10 and has had 17 foster children.

Good luck - parenting looks like hard work!!!!

posted September 30, 2008 05:34 AM         

The thing I realized about time out is that you can't really let him know you're watching or paying attention. If you do, he'll act up more. Grab a timer and let him know that he's in there until it rings/beeps. And then ignore him (or pretend to) ... no talking, no eye contact, nothing. If he screams and cries and stands, it doesn't matter, so long as he stays in the designated area. Eventually, he'll realize that no matter what he does, he won't get the attention he wants. If he gets up, do put him back and walk away calmly and quietly.

Now, I have a friend whose 3yr old is decidedly more ... headstrong than mine. They do spank but only on very rare occassions and not violently or angrily (over the pants and underpants/diaper). But even the threat of a spanking is usually enough now to get him to stop and think for a second. Anyway, I realize many people think that goes too far so, when she doesn't resort to spanking, she lets him go off to a "safe place" of his own. Whether it's under the dining table or behind the couch or anywhere else quiet without toys/activities. He pretty much puts himself in a time-out to calm down. And it works. She used to struggle to put him in her "naughty corner" until she found that, when he's really pitching a fit, it just makes it worse. And by fit, I mean hitting, kicking, biting her and the like.

It's also really important to talk about what happened once everyone is calm. No long sermons or speeches because the attention span at this age is usually quite short. But a simple, "Do you know what you did wrong?" and "Next time think about this" is good. Always, imo, follow up with hugs and I love yous so that he learns that even if he is naughty, it's not the end of the world and that he'll get more and better attention by behaving well.

posted October 05, 2008 09:49 PM         

The tater tot hasn't thrown any more yogurt since then. He's a little better behaved at home. Interestingly enough, his new preschool teacher tells me he's one of the better behaved kids in the class, so I'm thinking he saves the acting out for me in particular (he's an angel with his Dad). Which I hear is common.

posted October 08, 2008 03:01 PM         

I find he plays up more when he is tired and copies new behaviour from other kids (as well as copying mum and dad). If he is at creche and another kid is playing up he might choose to do this also to see how effectual it is. He will do it at home with his mum because that the safest place to try it.

Just be strong, consistent and communicate with your partner
It's really better if you are both disiplining in the same way.

posted October 11, 2008 02:50 PM         

Okay, I'll get off my soap box lol...

Good luck!