posted November 10, 2014 03:14 PM            

God Be in my Head... and in my understanding
God Be in mine Eyes... and in my looking
God Be in my Mouth... and in my speaking
God Be in my Heart... and in my thinking
God Be at my End... and in my departing

Love is a cellular bonding agent...

When I use the phrase above, it is packed with significance for me. It is the nugget I came away with, that is based on a dream-experience I had on the morning of Monday, November 17, 1980.

In my Dream Journal, this entry was called "Ashram" Dream. In this dream I had an "ecstasy experience" in Consciousness. This dream-experience has been one of my backdrops of what I See when I use my Heart and my imagination to communicate my longings with other people who like to Listen in this kind of way. It is a part of who and what I Be and Am inside.

From the pages >

I'm walking among people in one of Ky's ashrams. People are very tall and dressed in lemon yellow color. There's a giant deep swimming pool in the middle of the place. I go swimming in it. I feel High [elevated in Consciousness], even though feeling also a little inferior; but nevertheless aware that I still was High [experiencing that Consciousness-expansion].

Another dream sequence goes by...

Now, I'm going back to this ashram-place, with Donald...

This is a person to whom I was engaged, but broke up with later that winter. He was violent, and had 'touched' my body in this manner and I IMMEDIATELY dropped him. Later I found out things that were very unsavory about this man. My two closest friends at the time said he had been cheating on me. (He was having sex with one of THEM!??? omg~ wha??? how could she DO that?? HE had been constantly barraging me with accusations that I was flirting with other men in a serious way (when I hadn't). The "truth" was that HE was the 'cheat' in what I thought was monogamous. This revealed-information had slipped out so easily and naively by my much-younger friend. The whole Moment was soooo bizarre to me that I instantly dropped it from my conscious facts in the mind, never to be discussed again, ever! I was just sooooo relieved to know the Facts. That held its OWN merit, out-weighing what my 'friend' had done. I almost married this creep. I hadn't yet made it 'up the aisle' but had had some near-misses before.)...

GOING ON with the dream >

I'm really excited about showing Donald this place I had found, but he refused to go inside with me. I made the subtle soft decision to go and do it "for me"...

I open an iron gate of tall black wrought-iron fencing. Looking inside, I could see all the monks and nuns are milling around. [I stepped over to inside the fenced perimeter.] Instantly!, I go into what I guess is "ecstasy." [NOW, in 2014, I know that this is what this type of experience is called.]

[This ecstasy experience was starting to accelerate, growing and swelling incrementally, with extreme and pleasant intensity.] ... But Donald starts complaining about the noisy level of the nuns inside, and that he feels overwhelmed [because it wasn't what *he* wanted to do, and authoritatively expected me to comply with HIS wishes only]. He wants us to get off the grounds of the ashram and go somewhere else on our travel tour...

Sidenote >

This was a "decision point" in Time: one wrong move that would, in effect, have robbed me of what waited there for me. It was strong yet so subtle. It was further calling me into pursuing. It was that Beautiful something-ineffable, that subtle Horizon, the drawing lure that had been all-the-while 'inviting' me to enter into It's Holy Self experience WHILE Letting me exist and watch and Be.

In the dream, Donald was crabbing, and in a heavy way was really putting the pressure on me to leave the threshold-place. But we were on this 'vacation' trip together, and we were no where near home or my friends. Basically, I felt stranded and tied.

HOWEVER! joyously for me, a breakthrough had been made; for, in the DREAM, THIS time, for the FIRST TIME in our relationship, I was deciding to choose what *I* wanted to do instead, in spite of my own idea of wanting to "share" this experience with some real other-body 'bonded' as a couple...

You/I cannot 'compromise' with a person who is NOT 'seeing' opportunity, and who is incapable of being able to know 'what-it-is' they are truly missing. ... they would not miss it at all, because they would need to be in that state of Perceiving what was there-- thought, being, and place. It was *I* who had wanted to have the joining-experience. Maybe it was selfish in a way? It wasn't selfish for me to delay gratification and wait to go find where he was and bring him to this threshold experience, and it 'broke some self-rules' for me to decide to have this experience 'all to my selfish selfSelf'...

I had halted what I could have "all to myself" in order that 'We' could have the CommonUnion Experience with the Divine-- In the Divine-- and for ourselves. I had misunderstood that I was NOT on the same-page as Donald. We spoke the same language (John of the Cross, contemplative philosophies), used the same vocabulary, which overlapped (paralleled) our interests--- but certainly, he had 'meant' that I was to be 'excluded' for the experience. I was inclusive; he was not. His wanting 'his own' experience did not have 'me' in the equation. It was 'just' for him, for he was that 'favored' male-gender. I was making a big mistake, an error in my judgment that I can easily forgive myself for because I know I approached "us" from the point of each searching for that Higher form of Love. But it was "different" for him. He and I both 'spoke' of wanting this kind of higher dimensional bonding and merging with The Beloved; but he was a gender-snob who was raised in older-generational environment that himself (being male gendered) meant that he was my superior, in all ways.

But I REALLY wanted the experience for my own self. I had delayed gratification in order to go get him, and bring him to this point WITH me, so that he could Taste this feast, too. .... But, he didn't want to go with me on this journey.

So! ... In the dream, I STEPPED across and INTO the Holy Boundary, the place of HolyOther... The experience Holy and wholly Other-Worldy:

BACK TO Dream >

Suddenly.... the intensity "becomes" 'my normal state of consciousness-- like all parts of the worldness inside me dissipated, and I am locked in, with every aspect, to this intense and extreme ecstasy state.

I walk to the shower rooms located beside the pool. They had those "typical" dull older pink tiles with the grout set in-between--- but now, even this "dull" wall fills me with such Intenseness [of appreciation and observation]. I am captivated solidly in this buzz, and am overwhelmed with and by The Love [that was] "IN" and holding the molecules of this [matrix] wall.

It was like I could see [expansion] the molecules that made up the tiles, and I "realized" as I saw this, that:

LOVE was the invisible collagen holding All things together. Love held the Matter. Love held Everything together... Love was the reason it could exist-- The reason that ALL could exist.

LOVE, Love made it all "Be". ...

TODAY!

There's a Mars-Pluto conjunction in Capricorn....
ON the degree of my asteroid 3241 Yeshuhua rx 11.32'37" Capricorn at the end of my H1 placidus (in H2 Koch).

This position of Capricorn is SEMIsextile my Sagittarian Asc 11.31. Pluto has been making a trine to my Venus Taurus.... A Chance.... A Beautiful Beautiful Chance to desire from my deepest Heart.

Also, this Mars-Pluto Capricorn conjunction is trine my asteroids Samadhi, Shakti, and Cohen (cjVenus) H5.

t-Saturn Scorpio in my H12 supports my Uranus-Jupiter H8.
t-Mercury Scorpio in my H11 is trine my MarsCancer H7.
t-Uranus Aries in my H4, conjunct asteroid 2365 Interkosmos 13.28' Aries, and trine "GreatAttractor" at 13.21' Sagittarius, near my Ascendant.

O yeh, my story-teller fantasy brain... .... So filled with Beautiful Illusion or delusion... But Whatever 'this' Holy thing may be, it is my DEEPEST most-profound wish for all today, that we be Mindful we live in a Shared Universal MindState, connected to a REAL planet, where many living souls are in dire needs. Consciousness and conscious living is comprised of Many Levels, Many Dreams; many people who want to live in such a way that we all can get what we came here to have. Some dreams come true, and some do not. That can be good or bad, depending on how High the sights are... and on whether we are climbing that Mountain based on the Molecules of LOVE that Hold it Together...

This 'electronic' Pink-Tile... This Beautiful LL-Box of mine is My Beautiful escape today... filled with my writing about the Dreams, about the dream.... and the dreamer.

May LOVE be your Collagen .... Love BE True for Everyone

(music) For The Beauty Of The Earth (John Rutter) [3:38] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PaMkj4_H8WM

{oops! CORRECTIONS made! 459pmET --
and re-made.... Mercury shadow???? almost over!! *laughing*

posted November 11, 2014 05:55 PM            

The dream sequence above was about my life back in the late 1970s through 1980s.

Obviously!!!!, if I HAD been fated to be a nun or a monk, then 'reason' would conclude here that I would still be there?! But (as things were) I fail at that.... It was something I tried to do before, and it's not exactly what I'm looking for right now. I would not be able, physically, to accede to such demands. And my Body is allergic to a lot of the 'health' regime foods they offer. Some of Nature's divine raw foods can cause anaphylactic reactions~~ MOST unpleasant and terrifying. Soy is MAJOR MIGRAINE trigger, as well as Fish, and certain grapes, etc, etc. I must choose foods carefully, and know how it was combined with other foods. I love liver and onions... but I've been in positions where 'that's all they served' for about a week.... and I could NOT eat, and I actually was thin and became even more starved. My stomach generates too much acid... and this has been life-long. If I cannot have a way to neutralize it (at whatever hour of night or day it happens), then there are consequences: painful painful ulcer-type thing ensues.

So! ... I guess bottomline is that my body is not PHYSICALLY able to endure any camper-type austerity. Some people 'try to do good' but don't pay attention to everything... yes, fits in one way but is physically imperiling in the other. I do have limitations that I wish I didn't have. Seems that money makes a barrier... for them.

I want a happy bunch of busy friends I can add my zest to. My PRIMARY focus is not employer-based or like I'm applying for business loan. Gently, no. A small group of REAL friends who are "able" and willing to reach out.... I needs 'real' hugs, 'real' hands. With the gift of unconditional Loving and acceptance (not faked) then limitations are lifted automatically. I need and want Mature Hearts, not curious fly-by. Nothing too shallow or strict beyond my ability to cope.

It's been so fascinating to watch the shiftings going on, and to see 'where' their priorities and securities lie.

so anyways........

Back ON THE HOME FRONT...... o yeah, I've got to vent for my ability to keep equilibrium going:

My computer still freezes up... can't stay too long on certain websites because it seizes up. I have not been able to do the study work normal.

Here's another monster that is resurfacing itself from about 4 or 5 years ago(?) >

ugh! ---- (sleep & rest deprivations... I do NOT want to deliberately be 'offending' anyone here, okay... I've got big-time distractions going on right now!, in the environment... Hoodlums~~ sheesh. Please I ask your forgiveness in advance, and ask extra indulgences as you strive to understand my circumstances. My Heart IS in the right places... Just ARGGGH about my Body-stuff, and my inner-frustrations. .... )

I'm being awakened at night, just as I am beginning to drop into sleep, by these really really FOUL smells in the air.... I can't 'identify' what those smells are (from nearby 'non-citizens' [yeah, they're yipping and yowling right now!! next-wall] who I guess are deep-frying "something~~" in rancid greases? I can't even really 'imagine' what it is they're trying to "cook"? I think to myself, could it be perhaps a 'whole small animal' (possoms, rats, hopefully not cats~~) being dropped into deepfry vats-- Burning hair-hyde and all, throw ingredients together with this that maybe COULD be a vegetable but I'm not really sure it's recognizable? Then there's the part of a really-off smelling odd almost spent-soapy sort of smell with it.

This is soooo 'offensive' to my nostrils.... I get up, shaking, and spray down my room, closet, and bathroom with deodorizer-sprays that don't seem to work long. There come fresh wafts, in layers: an 'expired-foul-grease-like'~whatever-stuff they're creating somewhere nearby, and it fills the air with its heaviness completely, and trumps, and penetrates the pores of whatever I try to do to mask or disguise what has wafted into my sanctuary-space.

This is the ONLY place I can call Home. It's the place "I'm supposed to" be able to re-energize and HEAL my body, and regenerate the mind and soul!

I think the worst part of it is that my brain 'can't identify' and categorize the smell. There's nothing in my 'reference' rolodex smell-brain that can match it then neutralize its attention-demanding effect.

It's like I barely start to fall asleep, and THEN the awful-smells start around 230~330 a.m. EST and persists and hangs-there until just past 4 am. Means that I get up later and later, feel yucky, and the sun goes down too quickly for me to get out-and-about any errands or business to transact.

soooo anyway. Gotta go buy incense at the cheapstore before all the sunlight leaves. This place is NOT where you want to be seen walking around, after-dark. .... be back later, if I can.

ADD 6:20!!! ~~ argh, too late....
I'll just have to burn some candles tonight.

*laughing*.... So here I am, trying to get-over my agitatedSelf here.... shnarlllll.

posted November 12, 2014 07:40 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Randall:
Snarler is a funny word.

---

^

Last night I guess the neighbors decided to do "take-out" instead?! There were no gross smells wafting through the room last night.

(Rm has been home today...)
I'd really like to work on improving or trying to establish better routines. Right now, it's not realistically possible, but is a goal to 'keep forward.' Eating that Elephant just one bite at a time.

Writing the above post was therapeutic... And I love finding ~whatever-humor while in difficult situations. After doing some self-soothing analysis, I realized the reason I was 'especially' upset was that I had set a goal to pay special attention to my night dreams this week. (Some astrologers were saying that aspects for receiving special guidance from dreams at night would be prominent this week.) --

hmmmm. Now that I think about it, in a sideways thought, I guess that "that" has been true: but it wasn't about the dream I would have this week-- It was about the one I "wrote about" in earlier posting! "Ashram Dream" ("pink-tile" Love Connection) Nov 17, 1980.

So! maybe? my subconscious 'didn't want to miss out on the special opportunity to dream.' ... Thought: If I don't get enough sleep, then I can't remember my dreams, which means that I can't access the special-guidance WITHIN my dreams. (But I also know there are a lot more ways for insights to come through.)

I had been 'thinking' about the "pink-tiles" symbology for a while now, and wanted to 'find' where I had recorded that dream in my journal. LL (in a broad way) is a concrete 'visual' real-world conscious reminder of this Love dream-experience. It bridges me to thoughts about the Love Connection we have, thanks to the internet-waves.

I had lost 'where' I put copies of certain dreams and experiences I've had. Had put them quickly into a smaller binder and hadn't labeled it, but it was 'right there' next to my water glass, near the projects I had been into during New Moon in Gemini.

I was shocked to see the date of November 17 on my journal page. (Almost the anniversary day.) Then I checked positions of planets on that day, and now. omg... There's a resonance going on in the sky for me again. So everything is being validated right now....

I recall a pastor who would remind us that God never speaks first to 'someone else' about something 'new' about your life. That God speaks to each of us, individually and 'personally' about it before another will say it. It's there residing already in our Heart. Sometimes Others can come along who re-Awaken what is 'already' there, and it resonates Truth... in the deepest parts of that Heart.

....
Eric Francis had an interesting program on his PLANET WAVES FM broadcast last night (Nov 11, 2014) regarding Media and "Marshall McLuhan" is intriguing! (There are some unique asteroids I'd like to check sometime that may relate in McLuhan's chart.)

posted November 14, 2014 05:33 PM            

(music) You Belong To Me! (Carly Simon, 1978) [3:58] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Zz8mbqtgO8

More of Beautiful Carly Simon.... Her deep and insightful unraveling of the past, peering through those nostalgic portals, I (we) can watch the parade of feelings we get in noting the past triumphs along with the things that failed. The time of judging, released 'like peeling back those onion layers' indeed *smile* .... It's comes back in time to Heal.

(music) That's The Way I Always Heard It Should Be (Carly Simon, 1971) [5:24] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ux7HgO9QhAc

Maybe we have these 'events' from childhood that cannot be undone, but they "add" and belong to and are a part of our overall human experience. Each event, each moment we live, is like Life's musical composition.... Two Hands--- one is mine, the Other belonging to the Maker and Lover of my Soul.

Time passes by, 'rewriting every line' (The Way We Were, Streisand) because we can't 'see' the whole-effect... only the matrix, as it shifts and forms new perceptions (and then behaviors), make 'flips and turns of the pages'... {Love and appreciation to those LL Poets in my life}

Sometimes it's not until we keep climbing up those stairs to 'becoming Older' that we can really appreciate and behold the depths in a long-look backwards and down. Even-deeper comes that still-enriching sense of history that "Life" brings us as we look Forward to the light in that hallway before us.

Life-itself keeps re-telling the story of 'who' we are-- We Be Fine and rich contrasting works. We are the one hand and the other is The Master's Hand. Taking turns together, WE work together at this great energetic loom. Every pain, every sorrow, every joy (possible to be Seen in those halted refreshing moments) is the 'color' in our Worlds .... to be richly appreciated and loved for what it is, and has been... in those places inbetween.

We "are" the Totality of Life's Experience-- made from the substances we haven't yet discovered and named. In my Heart I give thanks for these, and hug them within, and integrate lessons with the sincerest most-humble silent Blessing.

Learning from our Pasts and passing on to Futures yet Unseen... With Happiness

(music) Teach Your Children (Crosby Stills Nash & Young (from original LP) [3:34] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqHxqyO1oZ4

posted November 18, 2014 05:31 AM            

I've had so many breakthoughs during the weekend. It was very hard, but came to a resolution point after much questioning and pain of self. So many doubts?... It came to a crushing standstill. I realized and learned that I CAN trust my self! I may spend time standing in fogs, but I've really learned I can TRUST myself inside. I may make many mistakes, but I TRUST that I DO lean towards decisions that are not 'selfish' but ARE worthy.

I need to err towards the side of being more Self-ish (north node 1st, with a chart that is VERY mutable and service-oriented Other-oriented... I need to be mindful of others WHILE protecting my own energies too. I can be Good to Myself, AND Others, without fearing that I'm 'being selfish'... oh yeah, long battle, starting to Build and rebuild a life where it can ALL fit together so I get recharged in the process.

I work on balance of Receiving... I'm "medi-stating" on this.

It's like another stage of Miracle.... still wet behind the ears. The thing is that I'm "still standing" after everything I've been through. I'm seeing 'transits' of past years (suggested by some) and I 'see' that I AM making it. It "should" have fallen utterly down a while ago? But I was SPARED!! Working sooo hard but not really knowing if I was 'doing it' correctly. Thank GOD for great big Grace!! and the Hearts of Friends who may have been exasperated in the process. But I could NOT 'fake' knowing something that I KNEW I didn't know all-the-way. And I know there's SOOOO much more to learn, but I just couldn't fake-it-to-make-it past a certain point. Sometimes you need to sorta 'act' the part, but if it's not 'catching' then I go back to the point where I couldn't figure it out. Has to be Solid, or the whole effort would waste.

I feel sooooooo grateful. Yes, Everything has happened 'just as it should'... in spite of how hard I chomped-at-the-bit.

(There was an open vision I had in that Feb/Mar 2001 small conference I attended, where I had that first draught of feeling 'connected' to God that was unbreakable, no matter what I did-- I was His and I Belonged to Him.)

Perhaps with these transits I'm now beginning to awake to the second-installment and download-- I Belong to Others, AND!!!, I can Be who I really am because I was BORN to Live It... {Scripture, I forgot where?, right now}

Last Saturday, I went to buy some anointing candles and the incense. I wouldn't have gone had it not been that they were 'cooking' ~whatever-that-was... In the little book I purchased on Smudging, it described how this was used by Native Americans to also cover 'odors' ... I've been using sage (incense, candle), sweetgrass (candle), pine (incense), and frankincense... also a throat-chakra clearing items. And I listened to my Kirk Franklin Gospel Music CD, GP!, and cried and stomped and danced and worshiped and even 'nothing'... YES! Nothing. In fact, I indulged in NO work, JUST enjoyed pleasant thoughts as they came.... interspersed with the rains.

The 'testings' I've been going through have been very gritty. This may have been the first peek at light in the clouds. (Rm has been going through much as well-- good thing we have astrology. This too shall pass, but oooh and oh-my when the waves come.)

My Faith is Valuable.... for when I am weak, He is Strong!

(music) Stand (Donnie McClurkin) [5:20] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=odaF0NDlgWI

(music) I Never Lost My Praise (Tramaine Hawkins) [8:24] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOkwUKn_gfc

(music) Angels (Richard Smallwood & Vision, audio was fuzzy but worth the listen) [9:04] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xTDnbiN8xiU

posted November 18, 2014 08:15 PM            

(music) Hero (Mariah Carey, Live at Madison Square Gardens 1995) [4:16] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cd9rQ5pu3m8

(music) Sometimes When We Touch (Martin Nievera) lyrics [4:03] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Vb39Vm8byA

still forming, still growing....

I've always soared to the harmonies and creativity of this group of Christian singers... This song expresses the gratefulness and humbling thanks I feel for the gift of Faith in my lifetime. I wore out my tapes of this group! but was able to find their work later on CDs. (yeh, that's how long and important this kind of rich texture full-harmonies have been in my life. Their songs have taken me through many many deep dark nights in my life. This GLAD group song (with others they've produced) represented my self's being Present with Spirit, and anguishing in the pain of human losses, yet at the same time being filled with grateful marvel and mystery of Being and Belonging to part of a Universal Plan...

I'm not usually this almost-blatant about what has been most-important to my life and ability to survive, but I'm feeling a change... and I just want everyone to know more about what I feel, and how I feel it.

(music) Just As I Am (GLAD, acapella Christian) [2:57] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iusYVmuXwzA

(music) Up Above My Head I Hear Music! (Kirk Franklin) [4:12] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4RSou1C8Tdw

posted November 24, 2014 04:10 PM            

(music) The Best In Me (Marvin Sapp) [8:34] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-UAP_LMpqc

posted November 25, 2014 06:22 PM            

(music) There's A Hole In My Bucket Dear Liza! (English Nursery Rhymes, w lyrics) [3:01] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzm9urjQbWU

posted November 27, 2014 05:59 AM            

In my self 'mentoring' via astroaudios and vids, I was incredibly happy to discover that two sites who were offline have now come back up. I am sooo thrilled. Even IF it's 'only' for General focus, I find whatever I can use and put together (without the funds to do so). It's like a unique network of family, so many beautiful perspectives to meld and mine and make alchemical gold come. Inspiration through the ethers. (Oh, btw, I don't know actual 'real' alchemy, but I feel so at-home with the language... Must have been from all that steeping I had in the Cayce and Seth materials in my younger years. It's been a long time, then there was the addition of religious training. I can 'see' how it all combines and fits as one piece... !! I know it's hard to work the boots-part of a plan, but we need to pull up every once in a while to orient oneself again. Come back at things with renewed perspective. Different angles. It can be terribly discouraging and ravaging to feel frozen in that ultra-tight oscillation. That's where Faith pulls the stuck trains back up onto the platforms. (and yes of course, I'm preaching this one at myself too.... There have been a few times I've come back for renewal. But as the Master said, 'I have overcome the world'. )

So, I need a more body-protective sensory friendly place. My spirit is really good right now, but my body needs some wellness (and I need to go get a few hours of sleep-- rm's cooking today *big grin*... I'm the clean-up crew, afterwards).

I know that the mountain looks near, but that can be a deception. I want to remain in balance and in a prep-motion, instead of spinning my wheels without traction-- God-Willing and The Crick Don't Rise.

Here's a wish for good luck to all on this Holiday Weekend ... For all of you I am so truly Blessed.

posted December 04, 2014 07:33 PM            

(music) I Who Have Nothing (Candice Glover) [3:18] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VpgWD9SOsxo

How do I rebuild a World according to Love and to love

posted December 05, 2014 02:45 AM            

Blessings come. Tears may endure for a night, but the light returns with each New tomorrow. Stand...

After having done all you can stand, you just Stand.

(music) Stand (Donnie McClurkin) [5:20] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=odaF0NDlgWI

infinite strength, self-healing availble

Breaking it Out of the serious, and goin' Wild! Time for another dance? ChangeUP, Not going to hold this one back! ...