posted February 03, 2015 12:29 PM            

Listen to the sheer soaring Beauty and Elegance in this song... With All My (and your) Heart, HUG The Whole WORLD into your deepest chest and body, and send it into the Atmosphere!

(music) Upon This Rock (Dony McGuire, The Bride) [4:25] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0wds03yIJg4

This World has Hope in it, as we Gather in Love

posted February 03, 2015 12:43 PM            

Reba Rambo McGuire has one of the most powerful voices... She sings this one in The Bride. (The white satin cape she starts her performance in has a sorta creepiness to it, but once she takes down the hood, it looks a lot better.)

IN-Joy! ...

(music) When His Kingdom Comes (Reba Rambo McGuire, from The Bride) [2:59] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_KPJDwPxMZE

(music) Beulah Land (Good News Quartet, acapella) [3:14] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ce0vwcru3Q

(music) We Will Glorify [2:24] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIanNmNfqiM

(music) The Great Invocation (New Troubadors) [1:51] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iHUJQbGA9-c

(music) You Are The New Day (King's Singers) [2:55] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GeuVBc76jas

(music) Love Song (Elton John, Tumbleweed Junction) [3:41] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14nD-QMjFvI

posted February 03, 2015 03:39 PM            

(music) Ten Minutes Ago (Stuart Damon & Leslie Ann Warren, Cinderella, Rodgers & Hammerstein 1965) [3:41] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIe2Y5lgahQ

posted February 03, 2015 04:41 PM            

(music) Till There Was You (Shirley Jones, The Music Man) [4:16] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLDsLeVxOaU

(music) I'm In Love With A Wonderful Guy (South Pacific, 1958) [3:27] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xny7G9YrrBU

posted February 03, 2015 08:46 PM            

It took me posting those "silly" romantic videos above, and responding to all levels of love around me, to definitely bring me around to regarding myself as living and 'real' again.

I have a real heart, and that heart begins to mend. I sense such a deep deep love towards ineffable things (callings) that stir my consciousness to rise and feeling like there's an open Mind to things.

There are people I want to meet, and just look into their eyes, and regard their soul. So much thankfulness I feel. So many 'old aquaintances' to renew this lifetime for a Beautiful beautiful work. So many Precious ones in my life.... I honor you, and can't wait to meet. There are realms of Being There and Being Here at the same time. I feel that in me, and I believe that is one of the things I bring to the Grand Table. One step for us now, One Giant Leap towards a Future of Health & Joy for All.

(music) New World Coming (Mama Cass Elliot, 1970) [2:01] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfQsngNoV7I

posted February 04, 2015 05:11 PM            

What's been in my closet? What part of my self has been so 'unimportant' that it's had to hide?...

I guess that would be my sense of theatre. The absolute gut-wrenching super-thrill of being a part of something so elegant and beautiful as creating and acting out the slices of authentic specific human attributes, traits, and characters... The things that happen as windows into helping us all understand our own psyches, or that of someone living across the street, or on the other side of the world from us. Real life or fantasies... depicted or enacted by beautiful actors for us on the stages or in films. What a gift these people are to our lives! And I'm so glad this is being recognized in the special way that it is now in this very recent time of ours. And it's true that they make great sacrifices for us, in order to bring our lives and humanity right there in details for us, right in front of our eyes.

Some people say that we can learn much about ourselves when we begin to pay attention to thoughts we have while we THINK we're 'not-thinking' (heh, go zen that one! *laughing*)

I've stumbled onto old journal pages in recent months, where I was responding to the question of 'what did I want to be when I was growing up'? The first answer (before I learned how to 'shift' the order around because of 'disapproving' adults) was the primary one.

That core in me, the little girly-girl who sang her heart out on those swings and imagined things in her fantasies always felt like a little beautiful magical even divine musical, being the inspirational actress looking straight up into in God's Holy Spotlight.

All these musicals that I've been posting urls to? omg! Feel like I've had a whole decanter of expresso coffee, without drinking a drop. Even when I'd go to choir practices, I could show up half-feeling dead, and come out of rehearsal feeling like I'd never be able to fall asleep that night. When I used to rollerskate, that wind in my hair, and the mirror ball, and the speed and the music it was all so enrapturing. Even while typing this, my heart goes faster.

My heart was to act the beautiful moments of flow, that sweet-spot in the baseball bat connecting to the ball, and the great halt and suspension of time when that happens.

Heh, I even have the asteroid 12238 Actor on my Moon Virgo, near fixed-star Alkies... along with Beer!*grin*, and Maria (sound of music?), and Gaea (the vibrations of our Beautiful earth), and Saint Michel... all in 24+ degrees Virgo, ninth house, (7s from MC Libra) trine Ceres Cap, Taurus Amor, Pandora, DancingAngel; Sextile Uranus, Vertex, Angel; Semi-sextiles on either sides to Neptune, and to Pluto-PoF-Melpomene-DonQuixote. Oh oh.... Getting too detail-oriented again *LOL* (Like that funny script-sense in SaturdayNightLive routines, o god, I roar when they do that! I see myself in it.) Yep, I can get into analyzing the minutia of things to their extremest munchy-depths and ends!! WHICH!, of course, takes me away from being and sitting with my 'feelings'...... I am way intellectually-oriented. And I have a tremendously deep analytical philosophical core. Yes, that's a type of feeling, I guess. I feel Deeply, and I feel it intensely (my Saturn Scorpio).

And I care so Deeply about things about people, about the earth, about society.... That's what I see "actors" being and doing into right now. I have the highest regards for the penetrating overall work that I see happening with individuals in our music and art industries. I very deeply admire and uphold the types of things they do. They improve lives, the quality and breadth of lives.

I grew up with TV, born in 1955. My mother used to say that the only peace she could get in her day was when I'd stay riveted to the Arthur Godfrey variety show. I'd sit in my little bouncy-seat walker and stay absorbed the whole time. (I think the show went longer than an hour in the morning time, lucky-yay for mom being able to find her space for a while there. Moms deserve the break-times they can grab! It's grueling work, and men are just beginning to realize this contribution~~ made many times on the woman's part without financial recuperment in older females now who made that sacrifice, then the husband left her for some mid-life change. I've know many women who got the so burnt in life because of that.... too late when you feel so spent-out energetically.)

I recall watching those "Shirley Temple" movies! I 'felt' like the images she depicted. So kind, so beautiful innocent fiesty and daringly independent (laughing, my Aries IC). Oh hugs and love to her Soul. My mother got quite upset with me and finally told me to shut-up one day, when I kept telling her (at around age 4 or 5) that I was actually 'switched at birth' and that my 'real' parents lived in Scotland somewhere, and that these would be coming by to swap me out and correct that mistake any day now and for her not to be too upset when it happened... I remember her scream at me to 'shut up' about that and never say it anymore.

Sheesh?, okay mom. The things I used to say to her at that age would upset her. There was much abuse happening during that time for me. And it makes me also think of her, and the kinds of things that must have been happening in her life for her to be that way. She was a very young mother, and so was my dad. He was miserable. My heart today as an adult, goes out to them.

What our little ones say?... including my aliens on my walls at night? probably from her watching all those sci-fi horror movies. My mom was a HUGE fan of horror films... I wonder if that's how I got some of my horror imprints. You know, as an aside--- I think it's really stupid of parents to think that they can bring up an infant in all this screeching bloody horror ambient atmospheres, and "expect" that these babies and youngsters were NOT affected in some way unconsciously with this. I think that attitude and thought is horribly wrong, and perhaps in the future something can be done that will help filter some of this, as we move towards being more enlightened and aware social beings. I still recall horrible images, and the dark themes of the music of the old Perry Mason, the spray of machine guns in popular crime shows (Chicago gangs), and the pumping thrill of that theme for hit-show Hawaii 5-0-- all from back then at end of the 1950s.

The very first nightmare I still recall from age around 3 or 4 years old, involves being in a darkened theatre looking at a movie screen, which opens up with the music from one, synthesized with gunspray of another, and the voiced meme of 'the un.....touchables! too. It was a recurring nightmare. Would all start the same way, then I would become a character in that movie as it would unfold. {Interesting? Perhaps in all the real crime-and-dangers of this present neighborhood and area that I live in now, plus unique astrological transits, is awakening some of my earliest primal sensory-emotional imprintings? hmmmmm... }

But I guess that our culture is SO obtuse that they would never even WANT to think of such a thing. That wouldn't be feasible for them now, and certainly not for consumerism. Much psyche well-beingness has been sacrificed these days because we're just beginning to see and realize right NOW the results of what began as a curious and innocent toy, entertainment. Sometimes, we as society can take things too far without first investigating (or maybe realizing) that there is or are consequences~~ both positive, or negative. But I believe there's a correlation there... including the types of music we let our kids memorize and act-out on the street with each other. (My mom had to curb the watching of The 3-Stooges at our house until the brothers learned that the antics could have serious consequences. And, there was a shooting here recently, involving kids who 'acted out' lyrics to rap and didn't realize their gun was loaded.)

There's healthy music, and then the music that is "programming" people without realizing what they're doing to their lives. Mindsets of deprivations, terrible crimes, and living in abject cruel inner darknesses... that's another place my heart feels towards society. That's another place where theatre and art play important shaping and critical roles in our cultures and society.

My other stage-crush as I grew older was Ingrid Bergman, and all the versions of Joan of Arc. I had taken a commercials-course in Philadephia once. I definitely didn't like it when the man suggested people lying on their applications, and saying that they have 'experience' doing parts that they never acted. But this man told me for sure that I could lie and say I've done Joan of Arc. (I must have know her in a past life, yah? Her, and a host of others.)

Yes, there's the artistic expression of what lies in the dark recesses of unconsciousness, but then also, there is the 'opportunity' to counter-balance this with the brighter and more sublime images and sensory-imprintings. What fascinating futures we can have! We need to taste all of it-- these are the archives that tell us who we are and were, the remembraces. We need to steer ourselves into cosmic Balance, by realizing and USING the Power inherent in these malleable atmospheres with these tools.

Theatre and the arts play a vital role in our global survival stories... as MUCH as calculable-science does. Actually, for me, on some sort of weird cognitively-dissonant levels, I can sense how/where the two inter-relate in really strange ways--- just not all the way consciously, just yet. heh heh, my recollections of probable Lemurian Atlantean form-tapping here?... anyways. I remember learning history to songs in my 5th and 6th grades in school. Yup, I still remember that completely patriotic ideal inspiring George Washington song. o gosh, yeah, I can sing and cry to it! The Star Spangled Banner is another one of those... O soooo-silly me. Slobbering nose! just hand me that box of tissues over there! LOL ROF

I was a really cuddly girly-girl, when my mom was definitely NOT into it AT ALL. I was sorta disappointed when my own girls where not the cuddle-types, awww. Me? I love hugs, and I give some of the best healing loving hugs around.... I grew up around 'boys,' the ALL-boy boys. Became quite a tomboy. Actually had fun competing against these, but then if I got 'too good' at it, they'd throw me out 'for being a girl'... heh, yeah right! We all know better than that? Girls Rule!!!!

When my ex#1 had been doing things to inhibit my 'involvement' in our business together (without me being conscious that that's what was happening, so he could follow his own interests in secretly investing in collectibles~~ the amount of our mortgage on the house, I found, in the end).

He made me feel 'stupid' and confused all the time (besides my always feeling sick from pregnancy type hormones, and underactive thyroid). I was taking care of our baby and toddler at home, with eyes still aimed at doing the consulting work we were building and involved in.

When I wondered 'what else' I could do to 'prepare' myself for greater involvement in our future business life, I thought that it could be a break for me (from the babies) to take a modeling class. This could get me out of the house, while helping me to learn more about grooming for the world of bankers, corporations, and old-world executives we were involved with. (yes, my stellium 8th, with cappy 2nd, and scorpio 11th and 12th houses).

So I signed up for a program with Barbizon. And I was truly shocked at how well this flowed for me. I have a lot of charisma on stage, or at least a 'stage presence'. It's as though I could feel every square inch of it... I definitely enjoyed being my girly-gurl in fashions I got to wear in shows, making a splash. (But with ballerina-arches, it was hard to balance in those high heels. Noticed one time how I was running, literally running in my heels, wearing a suit, sporting my kids around, flying around town for lunches.)

Didn't get used to being in front of camera of ANY sorts.... I felt I was merely-lucky in photography prints in those days. That it was purely accidental when the teachers remarked that every single shot of me was deemed as 'usable' on my very first contact-sheets (I've forgotten what that's called). The flaws (at that time) were correctable with makeup. I have an ingénue look (a la Sally Field)... I recall also them saying amongst themselves that I had something sorta compelling in an undefinable exotic way (Hey, maybe it was the head tuban type thing I'd creatively arranged on my head? j/k). They wanted me to model a certain size, so it was bad if my weight dropped below that~~ although it was lucky that I had a smaller waist, especially when no one else could fit into this one gorgeous and exotic Italian suit. I was the one who could pull off that look correctly, heh heh. ANYTHING that was Liz Claiborne (at the time) looked wow, and absolutely-me. ...

Yes, I can say all that now while I'm looking to be 60 on my next birthday. I could have been quite a clothes-horse, as they say, if I'd had the money to spend on those types of things. I LOVE Quality!, and I can see it 'a mile away'... But I had to squash all that, because I believe in being a responsible person, and not living beyond my needs (or that of my family-income at that time. I was willing to wait for us to be securely established FIRST, then spend as over-income came. Live more luscious off the over-flow, not use what absolutely is needed just to live and survive.) So yes, my Venus Taurus 5th luvs quality, and could spend, but ONLY when the extra income has pooled a bit, then begins to run-off its fountain edges. That's when you can thriftily spend for quality and not outrageous and non-sensical. Even if you have a lot of money, why just waste it? Waste it in a way that does good for somebody, is what I would say. Just my philosophy here a bit. I'm conservative, but when let go? I can spend it too, but wisely I would hope.)

Let me tell you of the instance with my ex1, when he was actively behind the scenes working to dissolve our assets. He planned something to 'involve me' in some kind of culpable move. As "inviting" as it was, I took the more sensible route, rather than wildly dashing off financially to feed my lust. We were shopping for pianos April 1987. Went to a giant piano warehouse. (I touched at least 2,000 pianos till I 'heard' the right sound. Later when I HAD to sell it, the technicians said this was a valuable unique beautiful sounding instrument, more than others they had found.) There was a Bosendorf grand piano in the sales room. Cost around 20K. It would have fit in our living room, and certainly our income at the time suggested that we "could" afford this kind of luxury... BUT, for me? Our family was just getting started. We were in a starter home. Our business had a good reputation, and still had more to grow. We had thoughts about something big in the future to invest in, so I decided to go with the 2K piano intead. ..... well omg. Ex1 had just-before that made a mortal move involving the finances of our selves, and IF I had TAKEN the "bait" of this luxury that both salesperson & husband were SHOUTING at me to take. You realize that this BEAUTIFUL SOUNDING (like beautiful buttah, my FAVORITE piano) was heavenly ambrosia to my soul.~ But that 'practical' voice in me said 'wait'.... and I'm so glad I waited.

((( This is going to be one of my LONGER posts?... o w t heck! It's maybe the time for me to overly over-do some things, and perhaps, with very kind indulgences right now, you'll allow me this favor and edge. Thank you sooo much, in advance! The morning started-off bad sound-wise around here, and THIS is my escaping that right now.... thanks again. I've got errands to run, too-- so I won't be editing out big parts of this, as I would USUALLY do, after a typing-fest at the keyboard here. I know these paragraphs are a bit scattered, too. O for a computer with software, eh? )))

~
In spite of how I feel or don't feel it inside, people notice me. And I'm so glad that my overall heart is towards helping people, and being encouraging to them.

I don't think I'd be a good skyper... I PREFER staying 'background' position with this. My face does have that good symmetry required, so I {feel} my looks suck on camera. I like 'the stage' better, especially WITH script. So interesting to 'try on' different people, and different-yet-same attitude.

I was so very very very lucky to take part in an acting-class one weekend (1980s/early 90s) with Cliff Osmond. He honestly thought I had something, but I would have to overcome bad-acting-- which was to him (I think) when your mental-being is getting too out of range of your feeling-being. I already had realized that, but he was the first to so comprehensively explain it (LOVE it!). He said I had the ability to be soft and hard at the same time (I think that's my Venus opp Saturn?) and that this (at that time) would be my marketable quality. The biggest thing he said (that rang so true in me) is that I inhibit myself way too much. He said I had a Powerhouse in me, and if I were to learn to just let that go, I would be very much success. He said I need to let the Director scale me back, instead of my second-guessing what they want. Its much better to have too-much, than not-enough.... (like this post, I hope -- lmao)

As ugly as I always felt, and the stinging in my nerves when the camera was on me for that Cliff Osmond weekend, I was shocked when I viewed it. I recalled a few nights ago now, at how actually 'pretty' I looked in spite of 'what I thought' I looked like... (Guess he knew what he was doing~~ God rest his soul.) aw heck, I seemed to always think that the things that work out well for me, were that way as just 'an accident'... that I accidently looked good on the print page, or in Mr Osmond's filming, because I know how gosh-dern homely I can be too. Yes, now THAT'S perhaps the definition of being "vain", sadly. Basing worth and esteems on exteriors about me. I can reframe this as an idea that I have an array, or 'variety' of ways of being? {Seems I've mentioned this sort of thing before?... } I'm just going to continue here *ahem*...

{I think I'm more upset about that thought right now, because I cut my hair and made a mistake doing it! I could barely stand the 'extreme-vibes' hooting in my bathroom, and I should have never picked up the scissors in that state of 'omg'. Another thing is that I don't trust people with cutting my hair, o jeez, you're learning the mirage here-- yep, lots of trust issues, which I deeply-sincerely in my deepest heart want to overcome... or else I wouldn't be mentioning it!

FOR REAL..... I WANT to be that best-version of my self. And perhaps that's just me needing to realize, right now, how I already am-that fullness of me inside. Wholesome, ready, secure, trying to "allow' this to establish as my central-place inside. Try not to spin-out to the outer reaches of the spinning vinyl record, but maintain that tight almost non-moving place of stillness inside. Can watch it all with greater clarity there..... I feel more secure about that than ever before. I'm growing, and I want support for that. What a better time for me to peel away the layers of EVERYTHING that just doesn't fit me anymore. ..... I'm lovin' it! (errr, till the next time when I hate it, then return to the center again. LOL)

I think I've written elsewhere on LL how I just bawled my eyes out only having to walk around the room itself in that Barbizon course, in a line with others, and walking up the steps and being on that stage. (The other girls were soooo beautiful with me... no one breathed a word of unkindness. I am so grateful for those moments. It was truly an undressed moment, and very therapeutic for me back then (was in late 1980s). I felt ugly as hell, and awkward and clumsy....

That probably was thanks to being in a world of brothers and neighborhood boys who looked down at girls, and would only barrage me with comments that were extremely negative and uncomplimentary; and having a mom who was openly-jealous of me and told me I was ugly to my face as young teen; and being with a dad who used to tease me WAY too roughly and harshly, constantly telling extended family and his friends things like it's too bad I only had one daughter, and she had to turn out to be so ugly... Now actually, I think he was trying to compliment me, but in an off-handed way. I was insecure, and as I grew up, began to take that as literal fact. Later on in life, my mom used to tell me what a 'vain' child I was (outrageous saggi asc?), and how she felt that one of her missions in life was to 'keep me from' becoming 'vain'? (wha???? .... You know, in a way, I can see today how she could have been right? And yet, o god, the tender 'mistakes' that need to be corrected. I hadn't formed my floor, my proper stage, my identification in the world yet. We can make or break children by the things we do or not do (consciously / unconsciously) for them. Can have a wrongful toll on their primary formations in life and cripple innate abilities. It's not just the parents, it the whole village experience, I believe. Where one errs, the other brings corrections. It goes back and forth, until that child does it to themselves, or for themselves.

So all about celebrity life? I understand a lot about it, in the many many back-stage experiences I've had throughout my lifetime. I've watched, and seen-- from my home, to my siblings and their careers, my dad and his influential connections. I've been through the shock-of-sorts to my idealistic inner-self, of seeing that people in the public eye have 'roles' to play, and that doesn't mean that this is what they actually experience in the home's arena. ... I know that for ME, I strive to try to live that ideal personally, as much as I can. But there ARE those times where you just have to let that hair down, or you make that wrong-snip in your otherwise-Perfected hairstyle.

Again, I deeply root-admire the people who live their lives on that camera, trying to help others be the most they can be (or even, just beautifully distracted from stresses and helpfully amused, in a way that helps the watchers be able to grow somehow), especially ESPECIALLY when they themselves personally strive to live according to their own creed and heart-felt ideals.

So! Off to run some errands, with only one proofreading, at least I promise myself that!

This is PROBABLY my LONGEST POST EVUH!!!!?

Who better to end this post with, than her....

posted February 04, 2015 07:07 PM            

So I'm not going to touch up anything.

The 'hood is really really terrible... I get gooseflesh points on areas of my skin, and my insides are like a metaphor of boiling somehow-- so electrical-vibey.

This is pretty bad.... I was so very very lucky to enjoy a low-vibe day here on Full Moon Leo... But now it's BACK, and with even MORE concentration. New neighbors, means added additional huge systems, in tiny tiny space. It all collides here....

Pray for the insulation of my innerds, as I work out some kind of way to escape here! *wimpering* But I stay Fine, and have a happy state of being (besides the vibeys)!!!!!! I'll gently continue to hold out as long as it takes for me to find the solutions to get out of here .

posted February 05, 2015 03:57 PM            

I'll try to be shorter when the page turns here. That must have been my longest post evuh? .... o gosh. And just wait when Mercury goes Direct in Aquarius here in another week. Again with 'hood willin' I'll settle back down.

You know, I notice in my posts that you can 'almost' gauge the interference levels. Yesterday I was determined to 'make sense' while I went through it, but wound up with huge long post.... The hot`vibes were not abating, and I kept expecting they would!

Clickety click type type!!

Last night was rough until about ten minutes before 5:00 a.m. est. A certain piece of equipment was shut off right then, and the silence woke me all the way up! ahhhhhh, I noticed it. So gooood

Thought about my post about clothes.... I mentioned being a kind of girly-gurl, but just saying that I'm not a 'fluffy' dresser out in public. In the past I've sported a look that is more conservative, like a Scorpio-Capricorn type. I like the earth tones, and deep vivid jewel-colors.

Rachel Maddow is a look that I like...(she is sooo pretty!) She touts that 'professor' look. And I love the straight-forward quiet stated elegance of Angelina Jolie. And so! with great humor and over-imaginations?: if either of them be a size 8P *waving* and cleaning out their closet?...

*sigh* ... More the outer leather-type here, but I DO love the soft piles of laces I feel inside!

More romance for this page...

(music) Leather and Lace (Stevie Nicks) [2:10] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKvZzLJYgvc

posted February 06, 2015 03:16 PM            

O god, I wasn't expecting that! It's a Good laugh!

Releasing my inner fluffy-rodent!...

(music) I'm too sexy! (Alvin & The Chipmunks) [2:53] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iQF8iVMsAcE

Today t Mercury retro in Aquarius trines my MC and meets my asteroid Terpsichore, the muse of Dancing, yah!

Wish I could dance like this! She's awesome...

posted February 07, 2015 04:53 PM            

...

(btw, no vibeys right now, ty ty ty)

I was looking at my chart (and asteroids) this morning and omg all the 'possible' ways that these upcoming energies can play-out, and I wound up like that cute little squirrel!! But ah, I do so understand how t Neptune keeps a kind of suppression in the zodiac these days?... Hoping the Best for ALL of us.

And yes, I am very aware of how I keep drawing things back into myself, and with continuing the saga of telling my own story here--, (no matter how humanitarian my chart and inner-drives really are). I feel the need to talk about me, AS WELL as the more humanitarian / soapbox I incline to. I'm maybe doing a corrective over-balancing in order to steer weight more to the side of my north node Sagittarius--- because I do know myself in this part: I'd probably give away my last dollar and shirt and piece of good energy to fulfill the needs of others that I see in the moment. (eh... maybe keep the shirt on? but you know what I mean *grin*)

Right now, without actually knowing what's ahead, I err on the side of self, and I do believe I'm intuiting that, in one way. I can 'make a splash' when I want to, but I need people to know this has actually been sorta 'uncomfortable' to be this much in the wide-open about the more earthy-me---

Again, I've viewed myself as more 'background' player, a support, and not the one in the limelight.... Yet as I pause a moment, I sense an underneath strength there too, where I see myself talking from the bottom of my heart to the soul of people, delivering something specific and strong and healing to say, with soooo much flow of com-passion.... But I guess I'd have to figure that out: who is the audience?

On one hand it would sorta panic me? But as the walls would come down, and the heart connects to the Right message, there would be No Boundary felt. ...Maybe God can give me more 'vision' about what that is for me? Lord remove the scales from my eyes... I want to know.

Yes, my supreme task IS 'the patience' I need to KEEP applied right now.

In a strange other metaphor, I feel like mermaid, trying to get back to her primary elementals--- the spray and wind and sea rocks--- in order to access the ocean again.

I'm doing great at home right now with relationship. Rm and I spoke spontaneously and briefly earlier today. He definitely is aware of the pressure I put on myself all the time-- to go, to achieve. In extraordinary understanding and kindness, he reaffirmed that he does not mind at all that I use his computer. He's been going through his own personal frustrations, (and I try to make things be more fun and comfortable for him), but his woes are not 'me' (I just happen to be there). I am strong here, without the overtop outside shenanigans. The feral kitties, and kids are my big fans... So much love from so many here. (Criminals are just gonna have to learn to deal more quietly... for a while longer, LOL!)

So for NOW? My happy-task is to keep my inner-squirrel from driving itself nuts in that cage!

Breathe, breathe.... Calm inside.

posted February 10, 2015 04:01 PM            

This isn't going to be one of my inspiration posts... Focusing on the body, for right now. Who wouldn't want to 'leave' the body more than 'inhabit' it, when it seems to be the 'thing' you have to be 'stuck' in... Just kidding. I can hardly wait for my living situation to be remedied. I want that new start, and new life! {{hugging possibility }}

I'm aware of have a kind of "burnout" physically from the amount of stress this body has had to endure long-term in not-so-sensory-friendly environment.

There are subtle (and not so subtle) movements and beats all the time here, and I have to keep catching myself and bringing attention back to the moment (breaks efforts at concentration!!) so I don't give in to the tempos in the air. Many times beats are accelerated just slightly enough they escape my my conscious recognition, and pretty soon if I'm concentrating (like, on writing) my heartbeat has gone up, and I can feel a breathlessness (like I've been running, in a way). Yesterday (and right now) the 'knocking' beats seem on the level of the physical-heart organ, and I kept having to remind myself that it's NOT my heart, it's the 'beats' felt outside of it, around the organ. I'm sensitive to feeling soundwaves that penetrate my body from all around me... concentrated waves. I have to keep being so careful NOT to 'interpret' this as 'something wrong with the body' or I know that subconsciously the body will work it's way to manifesting that. I'm in a fight of health here, besides the 'usual' maladies that can occur from just being human. This is 'unnecessary' outside stress, that can add to debilitations and wearing.

I like it when I am a conscious 'participant' in the music audience, but this atmosphere has been wearing me OUT when almost over ~92%? of the time I'm being subjected to 'waves' that I didn't sign up for! ... except that I'm living here, and it sucks so much out, when 'being home' should feel replenishing. It's your oasis. It's the place you come to recharge and face that wonderful world out there. Hard to see it, when you're drained all the time. (That's when it's maybe good to see with rose-tints, otherwise you'd live in the blacky-blues emotionally.)

My essential-body power has been being more drained than replenished... And I have some 'physical' transits coming in the future. I have to be ready for this. This circumstance takes a toll on my body, and has been especially over this past year....

But I've also never felt more vibrant, solid and happy inside my self than I do right now in my overall spirits. I am just so excited believing in possibility to climb OUT of the rut I'd collapsed into, and I keep thinking those hopes of climbing up on a much more secure ledge for me. Yes, spread those feathered wings and let them feel that breeze, and get stronger and stronger. I want to do it! (I need brotherly-sisterly assistance, and that cheerful support. No emotional-verbal abuse-- has a counter-effect. Some people like those harsh-type coaches that are never satisfied~~ that's soooo wrong for me. I LOVE feedback, and want to improve myself, but not abused~~ mentally I can do a good-enough job of that as it is. And I'm working on that too~~ and happily, making good progress right now. {hug}) I keep encountering those 'ghosts of voices of past' (Dickens!) that say o nooooo it's naught but all doom! But I do know soooo deep inside, that 'this' IS my time of marvelous TRANSFORMATION now..... My asteroids even spell that out for me, if only I plug-in correctly. Need more information, which I know that time will tell it. O I'm soooooo grateful. I just want to do the right thing! ~~ Finally Lord! Finally thankyou soooo much. I want no more foodstamp living. I really really want to go back to making my life work, BETTER than it ever did.

I have to re-app for this right now, I should mail it, but the 'etheric atmosphere' feels like it's shifting so much. I "should" keep doing it, though I REALLY don't want to be 'identified' with that anymore.... It's not-me, and never has been. That was so discouraging to go through, when I first moved to this state.

I remember standing in a soup-kitchen line and just bawling my eyes out-- at everything! I looked at people hurting, at families there. I saw things. People shouldn't have to live that kind of experience for sooooo long. You can have ptsd from that if it be protracted. People need their dignity. It's self-respect.... Some cultures take care of each other, and they boost one another. I fell into the invisible hole. It gave me an appreciation of what people go through, but now the weights drag, and I'm swimming and treading water pretty hard... I congratulate myself for living through it, and being a survivor. I've paid my dues. ~~ And I pray for those unaccustomed to the shock of something like this when it happens to you, no matter how short or long term... It's definitely one of the harshest experiences that life offers.

The OTHER PHYSICAL thing I need to get to the bottom of is my body's neck-shoulder problem (I think the thyroid has found balance, hurray)... At least pain doesn't bother me at night anymore, so yay about that! But when I get into certain postures, it can hurt sharply.... especially with over-activity. And I love being active. Have had to curb this a lot!

I have NOT found the kind of medical expertise around here for my body. I've sorta experienced pretty bad-luck choosing and getting involved with doctors. Or maybe, it's just that I'm just not so good at communicating what's going on with me, physically. Not using the right language, somehow?

I think doctors should ALREADY be prepared about things like that! They have more exposure than we do to the variety of ways people use metaphors? Different ways of expressing how or what hurts (at least, they should). That's been soooo intimidating for me. I have not found a physician who 'speaks' my language.... I am an overly-compliant person~~ with a lot of bad experiences for 'trusting' them. (Willing to be proven wrong! in ANYTHING I say. I know I can state things pretty strongly at times? but I am a VERY reasonable person, as I hope I have demonstrated in the course of this thread... Willing to try things, but I keep getting road-blocks that I really think are solvable. I just need someone who 'really' knows... it may just be something super-simple that I've overlooked, and don't realize it. .... still looking for a big-bro or sis for advising 'how' on signups for other social media. I really look forward to that!)

The last physician I went to about the shoulder didn't even 'seem' to know 'where' to touch my body (including other-type exams he's done...). He last recommended going to a surgeon for some shots? Wha???? awwwww, like heck no??? What I'm afraid of is that here in the usa, if you have good insurance, *they* will "use" it, cash-in on it... I'm coming up on my Mars square Mars in a few weeks. To a surgeon? o drool!... *all is cutting* right? I'm scared!!! No Way.

I want a COMPETENT diagnosis, then would so-readily comply with the treatment for this. The physical therapist he sent me to in the begining? I went a few times, and the fella didn't 'know' what he was doing! He took me though heavier motions that caused more injury! The problem become even more acutely worse. I know the difference when things can feel worse or very sore until they repair in the therapy. (I 'understand' bodywork, and have intelligence about this, from long-time exposure to this field. I'd had much experience with these modalities.). No! The movements HE called 'massaging'?...well, is NOT "massaging." But HE really really thought that it was (and sheesh, he ran the place, a 'sports injury clinic').

That's "how" the young therapists and doctors are being trained right now....

Health care industry really really devolving in so many ways. Doctoring is not the same.
Honestly? I don't think they actually know what good-therapy is anymore.... (based on my REAL 'experience'~~ but always willing to be proved wrong here!)

And OMG about senior citizens having ACCURATE medical records on them. Another pet-peeve! We are in transition from a physical to electronic world, and seniors' lives are at stake here. Young people need to realize that!! My own health records are a living mess of errors!!!! Sometimes I freaked myself out with imagination of being found unconscious somewhere, and because no one seems to want to CORRECT the records (if it could be), then my life is at stake. When there's a note-flag on the records, medical people don't seem to want to go and read what the corections are! Does NOT make common-sense to me! So bewildering to LEAVE the mistake ON THE FACE, then refer to the BACK with the 'flags' that correct this? Incomprehensible and most-stupid way to set up medical people to make needless errors! duh??? (my virgo talking here!) errr, this patient can't take your category of drug!!? That should be CLEARLY posted.... oh welp, those gears are slow. They're making marvelous progress on young, but not the older people. (I remember Lexxi posting about that somewhere too?.... I'm definitely with ya, gal! SUPER BIG HUG!!!)

The last massive migraine I had was September 2009(?) [from food-reaction]... I decided to just try to relax and TRUST that they 'know' what they're doing, right? Well! they gave me a drug that is contra-indicated for me {I wouldn't have known it by brandname they used, but it was the wrong 'class' of drugs?}, THEN they put me through a jack-hammering MRI! I was shivering to the point I wondered if I was having seizure, but it wasn't? It was like feeling sooooo cold, like hypothermic!, and you chatter from it. They 'thought' I had MS because of the flares that were occurring. Nobody attributed it EVER to the 'wrong drug' they gave me. NNNope!, I didn't find out about it until several weeks afterwards! That is freakin scary....

{And oh yeah, doctor-trauma? I still live the 'nervousness' of having had inadequate anesthesia when I was in surgery at 4 yo, having my tonsils out! I had awakened a few times, even saw the operation floating behind the doctor. Went into 'shock' afterwards, and they had to take me back into surgery for hemorrhage... but the astrology of that was absolutely WOW-amazing!}

Reminds me... I still have to make that appointment at the dentist. And I'm so happy that I have no fear of this now. It's just timing concerns. Have that govt app to finish.

posted February 11, 2015 07:02 PM            

I am ever uber-grateful me for the privilege to post here... ). Sooo much to be thankful for! *angel*

posted February 12, 2015 04:00 PM            

{^ This feels sooo very vibey-yukky today, so please excuse me if I'm not so-ontarget, I'll try.}

I also pay much sharper attention when I can see faces and hear the inflections as that person communicates....

It's frustrating for me to be in a situation where I can't reverse to repeat what I thought I heard. But then, that's what happens in larger 'formal-classroom' situations where I can't raise my hand to ask questions. (And with my type of direct-probing mind, the questions I pose usually take conversations a bit deeper, when the usual-type teacher generally just wants to confine discussions to surface-levels. -- Although I am not averse to that at all.)
(Ah again, the blessings of the new educators of today, who are giving the students a much greater chance of success-- and I admire that.)

Gosh! I'm really 'feeling' that Saggi Moon conjunct Saturn? I was looking forward to 'feeling' what that would be like for me, as my Progressed Moon will become Sagittarius in a few months, then Saturn in reverse will come meet it.

Right now my Progressed MC is 3+ Sag... and will be Sag for the long-term of my life right now.

I also have a really sorta interesting 'progression' of planets going on right now, meeting at the end of Cancer and moving into Leo (progressed). Yep, I'm a ragin' LEO, Sun 4+ soon moving to 5+. My natal Sun is 'traditionally' unaspected, but WOW, I've got every planet but Pluto in aspect to that P'Sun! {yay, I am not alone! I've got the Universe there and I hug it!} So fascinating.... I DO take my Queenly 'LEO' responsibilities soooo seriously right now. My Heart is towards making the Right decisions in my life-- , and for the advancing of the lives of many others. I feel my limitations, but also my strengths-- I want to be able to use these for the Benefit of all-Kinds. (Lord, make me willing and useful.... and happy and playful while doing it! Remove every bit of self-blindness in my life. )

My progressed aqua ascendant at 11+ will be shifting to 12 pretty soon. Solar Arc MC has seemed perpetually at 29+ Scorpio (which seems to be a very important degree in my chart, as well as 29+ Capricorn for whatever reasons I have still to learn. Still have to learn Solar Arcing too! *laughing*).

So right now I'm trying to accustom myself to the 'feel' of the energies for today, because these will be important to the advancing of my life. Today also, Saturn is at the degree for my asteroid Hidalgo 4+ Sagittarius in the 12th House.

The story of Hidalgo the priest who broke traditions and played a pivotal role in Mexico's history is also important for me, and the dynamics playing in past life karmas (sorta obvious here, in my 'hood *lol*~~ such an attractive People) ...

I'm not talking about the literal person Hidalgo here, but the energies that played out in his life as we biographically note it today. I also strongly intuit lives I've had dealing with the betrayals that went on within the Mayan histories.

If I allow my imagination to 'use' those lives as playing a type of symbolism to my own? I first want to say that I believe that THIS life (in this second of realtime) is the culmination of all moments in the lifetime-- each pulse of it, each beat, each grain of sand... ~~ even if we live in inter-dimensionality. ((Wow, interrupt! I'm sorta spiritually-smelling frankincense right now, so I'm going to go literally light this... so pausing!!! I really should buy some of this oil I've heard of. *laughing*))

I feel on some levels that I am in contact with real people whom I have come to help make advances in spirit for the benefit of all... and I am so deeply grateful to partake in this opportunity once more ~~ speaking esoterically for non-spiritually oriented readers (but then I don't think there'd be too many of those who are attracted to stay with my posts). I am positive and happy to be making the re-aquaintances with these on the most mystical of levels in ether-worlds! *lol* I am so deeply stirred down in the bottom-most pit of my Being, and am incredibly humbled at being given my second-chance of a Lifetime. ((I refuse to die! hahah scripture: I shall live and not die, and declare the Works of the Lord!)) ... And fyi?... I think Santos Bonacci's thinking is totally cool-beans with me!... from one scripture-quoter to another! His body-theories make holistic sense to me... so I get it. *thumbsup*

In one way, I feel the limitation of my chronological age? Like, I don't want to die on people!! I just hurt thinking that there would be the chance of deep communion and intermingling, only for me to grow too old and to die on you. I bawl my eyes out thinking of that. I want to spare people 'the hurt' of losing someone they deeply, deeply Love. It's agony thinking about it, and makes me want to just run away... That's not a good hurt, and I'd want to spare you!

I know that many are much-older AND there also is a population of much-younger than I. In a clumsy cognitively dissonant and weird-stuff way, I know that I am aware that I Bridge these two generations together in my Being. (It's the mystical quality involved in understanding my chart!)... In my life (I have to laugh) I've been 'the shortstop' {baseball analogy}, and I've excelled at being a natural 'coordinator' {As aside here: HR could see it more plainly than me... I felt very bumbling inside~~ it was something I did (in the past) that was soooo naturally a part of me that I felt 'guilty' that I wasn't *grrrunt* worrrrking and feeling the anguishpains (pain? the sign that you're REALLY 'working', right? LOL).

There is working, then there is 'spiritual working'.... and I'm (in my own personal life) trying to find where these two things can meet for me.

Going back to 'education' ?

I saw an interview that Nadiya Shah did with UK teacher who uses generational planet positions to skew her lessons towards the little-tribe she has... (quickly looked but can't locate that url right now, sorry.) My inner Jupiter Cancer student just loves her! {{hug}}

I've been receiving phenomenally great advices (and 'general' coaching) through the incredibly-important innovation of youtubing.
((Thank you God for youtube!! I am sooooo grateful to these people {youtube corp AND the ones who utilize them, OMG!!}. This is an INCREDIBLE advancement for ALL of us in this techno-age. So incredibly grateful here, always always always.

I'm going to leave two VERY inspiring urls from two wonderful souls, Beautiful souls here, whose teachings and coachings and humanity I highly recommend.

Here are the two urls I'd like to present for today--

(topic) "Letting Go Into What Cannot Be Changed" (Tim Halloran, Risa-Lila Healing, Astrology Forecast February 11, 2015, Mercury Direct) [25:54] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ja1pbmhG-hY

(topic) Venus Retrograde, What Happens? (Nico, ScarletMoon, posted December 26, 2013) [12:24] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r98-A-Wo1B0

There are many others I admire too, and would love to leave 'favorites' for! You all have been playing a critical part in MY evolution, and spiritually on the planet. My NOT including your urls here today is not meant as a dis-inclusion of your Worthiness in my life.

If I were being 'forced' into a pick, I think you all already know... (it seems).
I am still looking at the south western California region {at this moment in time}... When I first mentioned my interest towards heading there geographically, I had a couple of people in mind, plus I know that it's a spiritual hub of types. And, it would be fun. At the moment I had mentioned, I INSTANTLY had felt a surge that I could definitely ADD to their businesses, in a super-fun team-way. It's FUN to make money! Money is EASY. I know I could probably sell the proverbial icecubes to penguins! But I don't want to do that in a mundane sense. I don't want to 'sell' in the harsh-tense. Yes that's natural-fun in me, to jump in, pitch in, and be harnessed to the plow...... After the experiences I've had with my two ex'ies, (AND!!other 'intimates') who deliberately harmed me, I was shocked at the hard coldness, where once they decided you were not for them they didn't care at ALL about your transitioning. They had no sense of morality. I tend to (perhaps unconsciously) get big misapprehensions about others who try to get too close, even though I deeply want that so much. It's like my protection, for I never want to be caught in that kind of situation ever again-- Want to be pattern-breaking this time, for real.

It HURTS so awfully bad sometimes (when I allow myself to 'remember' what happened). I'm willing to approach this from a NEW and different perspective now, as I know I have grown in so many ways. I would like support with that. And I wouldn't want anyone else to 'feel as though' I were merely taking any kind of financial advantage of them, because that causes me to want to shrink and run away really hard. In my DEEPEST heart, I am not like that (although I can see how it would make 'shallow' sense to think that, and I strongly admire the people who would be the friends of someone like that, who would be being 'targetted' as a mark in life for one's personal-advantage... in my deepest self, I'd rather die than have that be true if it were me). I've screwed myself in the past, by making the 'Right' choice of not making moral or spiritual fraud decisions, (at the expense of my own bodily-survival). Whoever I would hook-up with (right now), would have to have Knightly qualities and spiritual-motives in their own conditions... This is my fear: that I have a spiritual-power when it comes to the exchanging of monies. I *MUST* be considered INTO the equations-- otherwise it could turn catastrophic. {e.o. 8th House is Pluto} It could be catastrophe for the people I'm dealing with, or with my own financial situation. I've watched ministries collapse or dwindle down to just-dregs, after a time of them misusing my contributions-- whether they were physical labor, talents, or monies. I Believed in the Integrity of some who did NOT deserve it .... That's one of the reasons I've 'tended' to go the ways of barters-- If I can sorta laugh here? I feel like a holy-jinx (if I had to put it in some way of speech).

And I could be wrongly-correlating here with that-- wrong-coupling (forgot the psych term for that right now-- in research, ppl can couple items together and get a 'false' correlation that 'appears to be' truly connected-- statistics can "lie" like that! 'superstition' works the same way... and I know that for gemmies right now, energies lean strong towards that-- heck! I'm calling its bluff, a bold-thing to say).

I've personally watched people (bosses, associates) I've worked with get hauled off to jail because they weren't 'right' with using their monies, or the ways they were making their monies. I think the intention of the heart and hands that handle the finances matter heavily gravely-- and I think I have that kind of chart that draws energies that calls people to task about their spiritual 'representing' in public. If you say you are doing this for the spiritual realms, then you place that on the public altar.... where God also holds you accountable, for these are 'consecrated' parcels. Examine. We must examine ourselves.... Power of my chart. Which side, the money-maker, or the transformer? Yes, that's the way I've seen it. I'm 'afraid' of making money in one way... I've seen what happens to individuals and to groups, and to nations. I have an uber-strong business oriented chart.... And, I am FOR the business of improving lives everywhere they Be-- especially dealing with soul and metaphysical transformative, heavenhellheaven.

And maybe 'that's' one of the places I need Healing. ... I want to do the right thing with money. I have powerful feelings about it, about the comforts it can bring, and how it would 'match' the independencies in my person and spirit; but I am so personally powerfully aware at the 'bad' that can happen when my life joins with another, and of what happens when *they* {one person out of balance of the other} can't handle the prosperity that comes. Things spiral--- do you have your act together, moneywise? And can you handle someone who needs tender healing and compassionate attitudes when it comes to asserting herself. Can you handle the girth of reaction? How unconditional is this? How much mercy is there in the attitudes? Can you 'handle' me being so much older, or so much younger, and or sometimes just 'both'?

I Am, and I am your dignified humble Servant... I pray I may be worthy of the calling, and The Calling... The marriage in Spirit Life, with the Beloveds.

(music) "If Ever I Would Leave You" (Robert Goulet, 'Sir Lancelot' ) [2:23] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xL52hEArSfM

~~~~~~