posted October 30, 2015 05:06 PM            

{And as I've been processing this, by writing here, I'm getting some VERY valuable insights as to WHY I tend to keep more emotionally-distance from 'real' people. Story further down, in this post.)

There were two guys involved! *puts hands up, I'm a Gemmy-- we get complicated, LOL*--

The one was sooo much younger, and he has enormous potential-- I felt as though I would be holding him back, in that way. I would have died in a time of his life where he would have wanted to be more-settled, and enjoying his kids, and looking forward to grandkids. So, it wasn't 'his fault' that we BOTH fell in love (this was an online situation). There WAS a powerful creative-connection between us. I felt as though we made each other a more-enhanced version of ourselves. The pain I feel from that broken tie was one of 'sacrifice'-- I'm not a selfish person, and I wouldn't want to hold back his potential.

The other was more in the low age-range of what my old~fartish stricter inner-prude would consider as more-appropriate. But I began to suspected and detect (over a year's time) that there was a pattern to his nature where OUR relationship could have potentially turned towards a more-abusive type of relating-situation for me, emotionally.

I can have a strong tougher-seeming exterior, and (living with rm for ~9years) learned to tolerate a spectrum of many things...

But (in regards to that 2nd guy) there are times for me where I feel a whole-lot more-exposed and vulnerable than usual. Times like these (when they occur) make me judge myself as being 'defective' for 'feeling weaker and more-vulnerable.'

While writing this, I have clearer insight to 'how' this happened for me.

STORY---
One of the first 'serious' relationships I had was in college. The person I was living with (~7years?) was a severe alcoholic.

They would wake up in the morning with trembling in their hands and hard brown crusts glued to their lips. They took valium to keep the shaking controlled in order to go to work (professional job).

This alcoholic ripped and tore, and shredded me emotionally, over time, on more and more frequent occasions.

The shredding would go past the point of me becoming devastated and demolished, then suddenly all would stop! -- like clicking a light-switch off. They'd start laughing AT me with this really cruel laugh and look... It "pleased" them to find me in a smirched heaping mess on the floor.

This happened in my late teens through early 20s--- AFTER I had escaped from my dysfunctional mother's abusive home. I went from one emotional frying pan into the fire of the next. And THIS was my foundation for judging 'how safe' or not-safe I could be.

And after two failed early-marriages too, I just couldn't handle situations of close-Others because my more-traumatic first-introductions had formed a barrier that kept 'me' from 'being reached' with nurture I needed. Walls are good, but not when they block everything, like that.

So in one way, I can handle a lot because of the walls I had. Boundaries are good... And, people couldn't understand why their criticisms felt more like magnified character-slaughter to me.

Generally? I've identified now that it comes down to the 'tone of voice' they'd use when communicating what could have been valuable feedback. ....

In Society today, I think there are a lot of walking-wounded. They are the casualties of emotional abuse.

I see that kind of abuse SO OFTEN perpetrated on children that I see shopping in the stores with their parents-- or down the street in my 'hood.

I grieve and wince each time I see one of them abused.... It's abuse. You don't need to physically hit someone, to abuse them. (SONG, Evangeline, by Little Big Town**).

Emotional abuse is an invisible bruising of that precious individual's soul that was given to them 'on loan.' Those parents, caretakers, authority figures NEED to be held accountable and responsible for preparing these children and teens for handling Life and being able to be Self-sufficient emotionally as well. I weep for those, and for Society that encourages such *** -hard TOUGH Love that will not allow for any emotionally enriching experience for these.

I saw a woman recently who was so objectively dry and 'intellectually' oriented to her preteen/teen daughter as to completely miss 'how much' that daughter admired and loved her. (I recognized this, because I myself had had an emotionally unresponsive upbringing, and dearly loved my mom.)

I was so impressed with the Quality I saw in this child, that it moved me to get up from where I was sitting, to make a comment to the Mother about the Love and consideration I saw in this Child-- How lucky she was!
... The woman seemed pleased underneath, really. I could see/sense that she was proud of her daughter. And the Child brightened at what I said. However, the mother had no-exchange WITH the child. I was 'the third' who connected it.
... I sat back down, feeling satisfied that I had done a good and perhaps healing-thing for their relationship. I was hoping that 'later' the mother would come around to appreciating her a tiny bit more.

My hope and wondering was whether the girl had a Grandmother who was loving to her-- someone who filled in that gap the mother could not provide. (Grandmas.... are Important People in children's lives! *smile*... I do this for some of the children in my 'hood. )

But in the most-recent years, I've tried to let those walls down a little further in order to help change my life for the better.

So maybe my feeling of being Heart-broken right now is a sign that I'm healing inside. Had I not fallen in love, I wouldn't have felt so alive---

When you're truly alive and human, you have Feelings. *Welcome Back to the Human Race*

** (music) Evangeline (Little Big Town) [4:33] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w6R_A1X_cJI

One step closer... I'm a better person, more Healed for having Loved, and been Loved, by You.

posted November 02, 2015 08:37 PM            

What a storm that was! Like collision of so many layers that happened to break-open like one thing after another.

Ran some errands this morning, and on the bus around town, I started getting more insight into Awareness, and Consciousness, and the 'inversion' that Christ brought... and how 'sinfulness' is not like ~you're a bad person.

I'm not a master at consciousness like some teachers and gurus are... But for me, in my start of growing and understanding, it's the times when we (naturally, and humanly) can lose awareness of the completeness of being Awake.

Like our attention can wane or get sharpen during the day, like we NEED to sleep and cannot stay awake 24 hours a day (without becoming insane), as we 'live' the Human life, we cannot help letting go of degrees of 'staying' conscious of the Holy that we are a member of (in communion with others) inside. We are holy All the Time when we Belong to the Kingdom of Love/Peace/Righteousness, whether we are conscious of it or not. We all have shadows that are dark inside-- hopefully our dark will not be so dark the more we abide and get stronger in the Light.

And so.... as another wave of healing comes by.

I've already been studying astrology for a while. It's been good to DIG DOWN into some studying recently.

I still have the notion to study astrology MUCH deeper. Been having some cool experiences trying to delineate some people's charts.
.... I have WAY-MUCH to learn, but the tiny bit I DO know, I feel good when I use it. (Talk about feeling empowered there... Studying astrology can do that for me. It's a confidence builder.... And I believe I would very much enjoy learning how to teach a beginner's class in this, eventually--- Even have fun being part of a team that entertains at parties maybe-- but I have WAY MUCH to learn before I feel confident. I've had a 'taste' of that thought, when I was winging it with some people who ACTUALLY liked my 'reading'... Actually I felt like it shocked ME more that I could do it.)

I may purchase a book describing test for Certification. Would also have to explore the different organizations I could belong to. There's a few of them to decide between.

One step at a time... Studying what I can out of books I already have, but there are a couple I still need. Have to learn how to do the PayPal accounts types of things. Rm had problems with his before. I wonder about my having the same ISP... if it wouldn't work for two separate people on one ISP.

And yes, I need People to come into my life whom I can ABSOLUTELY Trust. I'm interested in furthering my life. As I said before things are a little murky for starters right now because of new ways that society operates in. Very dizzying...

I went to buy a monthly bus pass today, and even the woman at the sales counter was having a problem understanding something they just initiated (after years)----
... It used to be that license photo ID and signatures were checked against the bank card signature. NOW? ANYBODY could steal my card and buy what they wanted without her involvement... She is not 'required' to check the signature---- has to do with the new 'tap-chips' they're imbedding in the cards.

A bit disconcerting to us who were older and worked at being vigilant against thefts at point of purchase. It's making it WAYYY too easy for the criminals now.

hrmmp--- Thinking about criminals, as being "job creators"...

So much NEW stuff for me to Learn. New Life ahead. I'm trusting what's going on in the background. Staying with the moment... Expecting Miracles.

omg, Venus and Mars are conjunct IN the exact degree of my Virgo Moon. I'm ready.

Gotta pick yourself up,
take a deep breath,
dust yourself off,
and start all over again!

posted November 03, 2015 06:06 PM            

AS I write this, Venus and Mars are IN the degree of my moon in their final conjunction of three this year (sorta rare).

I had a post here--- and decided to remove what I was going to say. I'm in a SUSPENDED kind of state right now, and I'd like more clarity for Directions.

posted November 03, 2015 08:41 PM            

Venus-Mars exact conjunction happened ON the LL MC at 24.27'46" Virgo
{{my Moon 24.56! ~~ LL, I 'feel' you! }}

posted November 06, 2015 05:00 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Randall:
Throwing a party in year 20.

---

Okay... I'll try this one more time. I "self-poofed" about three different posts I tried to do in response. Dern, they were good too. I think my pinky-finger from a certain angle hit some key and it closes the tab-- hence, I lose my material.

This is the short-cut version of diva-length posts.

TODAY is the Anniversary of me Printing my First Natal Astrology Chart Wheel.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007, around noon.

VENUS was right where she is now. There was a New Moon in Scorpio on Nov 9 at 17+ degrees, as there is one coming on Nov 11, 2015 next Wednesday at 19 degrees Scorpio.

I want to take my education goals a step higher. I am interested in furthering in astrology, in healing myself and my body, then healing others from the bank of my life-experiences.

I want to express SUPREME thanks to EVERY person who had added to my Life -- every author, blogger, youtuber. I had made a VERY mushy post of thanks-- and I hope you caught it in the Ethers!

I am alive today, BECAUSE of my interest in astrology and the focus and guidance it gave me to begin to rise my life out of the pit and ashes. I am soooooo Grateful beyond what mere words can tell.

My time at this church I've been going to is almost up. I use it to get up and go socialize, but these are NOT 'my people'... They know I like the Inclusiveness and Love that Pope Francis espouses. They do NOT like him. I was fortunate to have found these at the New Moon 23 Cancer (July 19). There had been a visiting priest from India there, who DID resonate with the Pope's message of Love. The priest left shortly after the Aries Eclipse we had at 4 degrees on September 28 (which HAPPENS to be ON their Sun of the first-Mass event that birthed the congregation as a 'group').

There will be no love-loss there... I am just grateful for the opportunity I had to be 'reminded' of my roots, my past, the foundations that my original belief system was established on.

I had an Image today that describes some of the healing of past wounds that's been going on inside me.

Pain and tears have been flowing up from my body's belly, and releasing and releasing. Much like the process of 'clarifying' a substance (liquid), can lift the dross to the top, to be spilled out, leaving what is cleaner and more usable.

I thank God and The Universe for this Time I've had... I look towards meeting more-likeminded group, my soul group. I understand that I am becoming transformed, and I am open for it. Please please do not let my HEAVY Saturn have predominance. I NEED to let go and invite 'play' into my life before my own Saturnian narrowed confines kill me and any opportunity left to me.

I am not deliberately holding back or playing with individuals. THIS IS ME... Thank you to those who have 'recognized' and acknowledge how HARD I have worked to try to apply things and to try to Heal my own life.

Astrology brought this to me. I started healing and the process of turning my life around the day I printed that first chart. Little did I know... But the Universe guided me INTO it. I'd like to learn more.

As I heal myself inside, I Heal The Outside.

Again, sorry for the choppy-copy here. I've been typing for hours! and probably forgot some items... So I may be editing these in maybe. LOL

Now, let's see if I can post this without me poofing again... Here goes!

ADDING, --------------------------

Oh yes, the 'where' part--
There's a 'sense' of something there that has not been revealed all the way yet. I hope that during this coming week I will be supplied with any missing stories I need from what's going on in the background. This Virgo Moon is ready to get some planning in place so I can have that relief of something to work towards that actually will MOVE my life in the right direction now. Please have mercy... I am Touch-oriented. Reach out and Touch (as the old phone commercial used to say).

posted November 09, 2015 04:52 PM            

I'm trying to recover from this past weekend's PARTIERS. They left the 'hood in a bit of an unsightly mess. (That's what you get when you ignore background checks?.. gets bribed to do it. I suspect my rm 'pays' him separately to allow me to live here....?

What I feel, is that 'if' I ever get situated and start having some funds and property of my own?... I'm going to MAKE SURE that he has what HE needs as he retires.

I DON'T forget the people who have been Good to me. (And sometimes I go back in my memory and bless these people from decades past.)

I thought about scouring around to find a good reader around here-- I would asking for a super-VERY LOW to no-price reading, while having it in the back of my head that I WILL repay their kindness in some way in the future.... I am like that.

I have done very-small exchanges a long time ago--- but I tend to way out-give people. I don't have the material resources right now, but I ALWAYS 'mark' who my benefactors are, with thoughts towards any future prosperity I would ever have. That, or as they say, Pass it Forward...

Back in the late 70s, I remember suddenly having a financial problem that overwhelmed me. I was still learning how to manage finances... This Beautiful angel named 'Anne' took compassion on me. She had heard I needed money for my rent (I hadn't asked anybody). She came forward to give me the 400 (wow) that I needed then, saying that someone had done that for HER when she had been my age, and NOW she kept her Promise she made to 'pay it forward'...

(I've paid that Forward too, and in many ways rippling through my life... One gift, one kindness from her, multiplied.)

SO! ~~ I am still interested in working towards my Certification/education first in Classical astrology. Then branch from there, as I get needed feedback from teachers/mentors who would have a 'feel' for what I can do (as they would be mature and connected persons in whatever field of endeavor.) I "Hold Space" for this as Direction right now. I am open for suggestions, as always. I NEED some people I can REALLY trust and open up my life to.

I wanted to add too, that it's important to me that it would be better for me to have people who are BI-partisan, and not jihadists politically? I am a very broad person, could argue the good points of each political party.... but I've had 'experience' with some anti-astrology jihadists in town, and now IN that church I tried to become a part of.

I know NOW, through my near-church affiliation, that jihadist-right-wing narrow-minded extremists and I get along better at a distance.

And certainly, Astrologers are branded as unlovable sinners? *sigh* I was even 'criticized' when an older lady (w dementia?) was EVERY DAY giving me 'big hugs' in church, and in the parking lot. I don't think 'the critical-ones' realize that this older person had dementia. I figured it out, and a knowing-glance between myself and her daughter confirmed it.

But, ~how cruel?? really! I don't think they like little-Christs attending 'good-catholic' churches?

They are HARDCORE about their Brand. Good catholics shake hands in a sterile ritual fashion only AT the appropriate 30-seconds during mass, then it's hands-off otherwise. *Live and Learn* .... I'm a Hugger!!!

In fact, a little 4 or 5 year old boy saw me walking in the 'hood the other day, and he ran his little legs up to me and ASKED if he could HUG me?? Woah, how spontaneous and Delightful!! Of COURSE, I'll take (and give) a hug! ...

But after my experience with the Church (I basically called it quits when Venus went Libra and THE BUS never came by. Didn't go Sunday, and I left message to suspend all rides this week with my usual morning person.
... I figured that I'll see if anyone cares enough or is curious about my absence. But I suspect mutuality here.
... They don't like the Pope, and I do--- I've been negatively 'marked' on the count of that... so sad.

So! I'm feeling quite light-headed right now, from all the sonics in the air, all the disruptions. I REALLY hope this post makes sense!

I am STILL on-target with wanting to study astrology and work towards becoming Certified in the classical, then see what happens with what teachers/mentors would tell me.

I would love to be around a community that are enthusiasts about astrology and higher-spiritual dimensions.

I would love to have a little job I could do-- right place, right environment, right activities. My chief aim there is to stabilize somewhere, get life plans together, get my psychological woes & loops finished polished & wrapped up (Saturn through my H12, Uranus in my H4).

Oh!!! I could go on a LONG time right now about my transits, and the insights I have been receiving about my past, the DEEP traumas I've been through. Like finding the loops hanging off that should have been ON the knitting needle. Unraveling and correcting mistakes (I hope).

Working though a hoard of pain right now. But THANK GOD for astrology, and getting to 'figure it out'.... Those asteroid transits I get are pretty amazing.

Right now I'm having transits to parental asteroids for me... amazing. It jogs my psyche, and pain rises up.

I remember from psychology how depression can have anger under it. Well LOL, my asteroids Angrilli and Anga are telling big things for me about my psychology and how to remedy the grief.

I had had an experience from my father's spirit several years ago, where he apologized to me--- saying how 'clueless' he had been.

Suddenly those asteroid transits are back now, and with t Pluto in SAME degree as my dad's spirit-visit, are 'reminding' me that my dad was ANGRY about what happened in circumstances surrounding his death (and my not being included), and the asteroids are REMINDING me I have to take my power back AWAY from my BULLY-mom. That I have the right to Live.... and Be Prosperous. My dad would have WANTED that for me now that he sees the travesty of not teaching his girl HOW to be a winner, HOW to be Prosperous. The males in my family failed to teach, and the females (in-laws especially included) were guilty of tremendous cruelties towards me.

My life would have been SO DIFFERENT, had these realized everything I was going through inside, and Stepped up to the plate, and done the Right thing by me.

The abuse dug a deep pit. I have struggled INCREDIBLY hard to get to this point. So much weight to carry all by myself... alone.

No one understands the innerStruggle of someone who's had life-long abuse, except someone else who's been THROUGH it themselves, and with a Beautiful Firm and Loving Hand, Lifts and Lifts, until she's OUT-- and clean, and Magnificent.

Oy~~~ dizzy! Hope this post is a good one. Maybe I'll be able to delineate asteroids later. That would be a Wonder.

(If this didn't turn out, I'll come back to clean, edit, add.) ---

Please excuse my Mess, I AM almost finished being PLowed by PLuto in my H1-- t Saturn will arrive H1 at New Years, to begin to build the bones around a newer better Version of my self that will Match my Self.

posted November 10, 2015 04:40 PM            

Gotta Keep those Loving, Good Vibrations happening with her..

posted November 11, 2015 11:11 AM            

Yes, I Made It?!!! O P G, Hallelujah

So much to be thankful for!

Today is the NEW MOON in SCORPIO 19.01 (at 12:47pm here EST), in my 11th House.

Past my Saturn-rx 16.22 Scorpio is an "11" on 11/11
past 15230 Alona-rx 17.16rx,
23325 Arroyo-rx 17.54.
F.S.ZubenEschamali 18.45 {cj Saturn: Cautious, reserved, studious, economical, analytical, good chemist or detective, good judge of human nature, early losses never fully recovered, favorable for gain and domestic matters [Robson]; linked to Social Reform. Work on behalf of groups & associations to change things for the better.}

My asteroids 13226 Soulie 18.59rx
NEW MOON 19.01 SCORPIO
9 Metis 19.7'rx ... Wisdom, gut instinct, intelligence.
TRINE Cancer 8th 6130 Hutton 18.15, 33154 Talent 18.43, h56 Selena/WhiteMoon 18.34, 329 Academia 19.22', 4652 Iannini 19.32', 730 Athanasia 19.32'...
... I'm going to halt there, so many great connections to my 17 Vesta-Oken too. (It's all about Love.) I'm tempted to keep going.. but I need to go take care of myself here in a little bit.

I got sidetracked doing an asteroid-hunch this morning (opened my eyes at 4:44am with idea). I did the search at astro and it was SO EYE-POPPING right-on. That lead me from one thing to another very quickly. I'd love to spend part of the day looking up other asteroids that MUST be being stimulated too--- but I'm going to rest a bit, eat breakfast, etc.

Even going to my email-- Carter Center was saying it will "double" my donation if I give money to the "**Mobilizing Faith for Women and Girls Initiative**." I realize how the True South Node is entering Pisces today, to be ON my 10683 Carter asteroid at 29.11' Pisces.

I thought how 'perfect' it would be that my gift gets "doubled"... I'm going to give them an offering of $19.00 (for the degree of the New Moon). =$38.00... 3+8 is "11"!!

I'm applying it to the intention of letting go heartbreak of my past... lost fantasy of my F.O.O. and what I 'lost' in my early marriages. Applying it for completing the healing to my **innerGirl** who didn't get the Chances.

DP... You ARE a True Friend!! You (and others) have been more Family to me than my flesh and blood. I am SOOOOOO GRATEFUL for you.

Healing MASSIVE Hurts, Healing the Body

While I was doing the research earlier I came across a site having to do with holistic healing (that I'm sure LL Ceres_Moon will enjoy). I looked through their pages, and it's so consistent-- I NEED to learn solid things about Chakras, and learning how to balance myself. I am out of whack there (according to that site). If I work on that kind of etheric level, it could help my body naturally heal itself. (I have an awesome body, Lord. You made it to survive sooo many things, and THANKYOU I'm so grateful.)

SoCAL!!!! Is the relo spot I'm thinking about. DP, we have soooo much to catch up on.

I still have that burning interest in getting to a point of Certification in astrology. (Sometimes I feel intimidated by the abilities I see others have... But I'm not going to do this for others more than do it for myself -- because through me it's "automatic" to others, afterwards. I love sharing!!!)

And as someone else suggested, I am willing to work in whatever appropriate field there would be out there for me where I could do a great service to the community. Time to make it Real. I'm not sure if I actually posted it, but I thought I had before (maybe one of my poofers!)

I can scarcely believe the new transformation. Opening of new doors.

So instead of thinking thinking thinking, I'm using my asteroid Metis, gut instinct. {Hugs to Kelly and David}

(music) California Dreaming (The Beach Boys) [3:10] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oe3VBoE3g4k

posted November 12, 2015 01:11 PM            

Finding, my Voice here, Sooo Happy!!!!!

... It's about Loving who you ARE, and OWNing it! *snoopy dance*

posted November 13, 2015 03:24 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Randall:
Snoopy dance!

---

^ ....

You know what else makes me Happy?... It's some of the awesome and Beautiful young people right now whom I see standing up STRONGLY with each other with messages about effects of Bullying.

Huge Applause and special note of support for this particular Precious Soul who says that "Life is too Beautiful" to do something to hurt yourself (self-harm) just because of 'stupid-people'.

"You don't have to prove anything to anyone, except yourself and GOD."

That's Right, Miss Kenzie! And YOU are so Beautiful and Strong to say so.

For Kenzie today, and for everyone 'going through'--

(music) I Am Beautiful (Christina Aguilera, lyrics) [3:58] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfKnga-a-7Q